love is watching someone die

i wish we wouldn't take all these seconds and minutes for granted, fighting, staying angry, waiting, waiting, and waiting, for what?

sometimes i feel like that little girl, trying to catch those bubbles. but they always burst, they never last, just like these minutes, just like these seconds. i catch them in vain, their remains an explosion of soap and water, memories, pain and joy, in my hands, while you just watch them float away, watch me run to catch the next one, and the next, and the next. i don't know why i do it, i just have to, and wonder why these bubbles burst so fast and violently.

so, who's going to watch you die?

And it came to me then
That every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU
That reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself
That I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD
Took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines
In a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend
On a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth
I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground
As the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous paces bracing for bad news
Then the nurse comes around and everyone lifts their head
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said
That love is watching someone die

So who's going to watch you die
So who's going to watch you die
So who's going to watch you die 

"What Sarah Said"

by

Death Cab for Cutie 

sometimes, it's almost hardly believable that there was life before me, before 1985. it seems that nothing is real unless i am there. that i am the only witness to everything in the history of the world from my first to last breath. and that everything will cease to be, when i am gone.

i mean, how would i know if there was REALLY life before me? how will i know if there will be life AFTER me? what if everything, even all the "proof", the photographs, skeletons, tombstones, movies and diaries, were all conjured up just for my lifetime? what if history and its stories, people, from babies to old people, were created just for this short span of however long i will be here, and what if that period is really, the only time this universe will ever exist? just like my dreams, alive and real when i close my eyes and forgotten even to myself when the sun finally wipes the sleep out out of my eyes.

indeed.

it's time to return!

taking a break. =)

fireflies in a jar

says everything about the courage and wisdom....i wish i had.

but i guess you don't really know about the courage and wisdom
you really contain,
not even while opening that jar,
not until that jar is
fully opened.

you know, i've often been told that i have attained a certain sense of self-awareness, one i thought i could take pride in. but you know what? self-awareness does not equal maturity, especially in actions, and definitely in love. some people manage to skip all that psycho-analysing of self and graduate with first class honours in loving maturely, and some others are excellent at all that thinking stuff in between but still have a long way to go when in comes to the bigness of their hearts (i guess i'm in the latter group of "some people"). it's not even about IQ vs EQ anymore. it's about EQ vs "actually loving". and that's just what amazed me about you from the start, it still amazes me. if only...

i mean, i could probably write a thesis on what perfect love should be, how an ideal relationship should work and why people would feel the way they do and i'm sure i could possibly impress a few people. but, you know what? so what?

if i speak in human and angelic tongues,
but do not have love,
i am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal.

and if i have the gift of prophecy
and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge;
if I have all faith so as to move mountains
but do not have love,
i am nothing.

if i give away everything i own,
and if i hand my body over
so that i may boast
but do not have love,
i gain nothing.

but no, i'm not going to beat myself up over this. i'm aware (there i go again) that this is just who i am and how big my heart really is now, and i know it's gonna take some stretching, major upheavals and a hell lot of growth pains before i release my hurricane of love to the world the way i was meant to! (drama!)

i just wish i didn't have to...to...i can't even bring myself to say it. it really stings.

waiting for m

like two lovers in a roomful of strangers, when their eyes first meet, time stands still, so they say. they are amongst the noisy banter, the listless search to fill voids unbeknownst to all, the harrowing task of bridging gaps and filling silences with small talk, and yet, they are not of it. and as i sit here at this empty busstop waiting for m, i gaze up at those clouds above. that's all i have to do each time i want to feel that life is bigger than all this, all this. i love how small the clouds make me feel. i love how such splendour and majesty is only a tilt of a head away despite the smallness that i am. i love how i am not only a witness to that greatness but also a part of it. oh, clouds never fail to astound me. those glorious wisps of white and grey, we make a connection now, those clouds and i. the music streaming through my earphones provides an apt soundtrack to our secret romance. the buses and cars continue to whiz by, guitar-toting teens yell out to each other as they run to catch a 103, the church infront of me has almost totally emptied itself of the 6pm mass attendees, but i'm with the clouds and time has stood still for us. we move to our own slow rhythm and we go where we please, stopping whenever we feel like it. i only have eyes for the clouds now. and for those few moments, i'm somewhere else, not here. and then, a few seconds later, i am again, somewhere else, not here. my heart felt good. i prayed i didn't forget. i wrote it down.

and isn't it ironic...don't you think?

an old man turned ninety-eight
he won the lottery and died the next day

it was just 2.5 seconds of vengeful gnawing and grating of that gate on the unsuspecting blue volvo and i didn't know whether to laugh or cry at it all!

the night before, i gave myself some pats on my back, pleased at the work i did and the hong bao (red packet used to present money in as gifts) i got for preparing a video and photo montage for a wedding that took place just a few hours before. that night, i lay in bed beaming to myself, recalling the smiles of the couple and their families and friends, replaying the praises and compliments lavished on me and of course, reminding myself that my bank account was going to be plumped up just a little bit more.

the next day, i woke up excited and slightly more hopeful about the future. i decided to go for a haircut. i walked out of the salon with bangs, having been successfully cajoled by the hairstylist.

then it happened, that very night.

i was driving into a certain place. (lets just call it that in case i get sued! though i stupidly complained about the accident to the boss of that place whom i personally know yes what a bimbo i am!). it was pretty dark, only one gate was opened, and i drove my dad's car in ever so slowly and even braked suddenly once, seeing how close my side view mirror was to the gate on my right. thinking the worst was over, i concentrated on turning in front instead. and that 2.5 seconds of turning my eyes away from that gate was all it took to cause a dent on the right rear door and a nice constellation of scratches to boot. immediately, i saw that big hong bao deflate, just like my balloon of joy a few moments before. poooooooooof!!

therein lay a few ironies....

irony 1. refer to alanis morissette's lyrics quoted at top of entry. fat hong bao today, skinny hong bao tomorrow.

irony 2: of all the days of my life, i chose to cut bangs on that fateful day, never daring to before, since i was 4? and for the first time since i started driving, i met my first...."bang", complete with dent and scratches!

irony 3: you can be soooooo damn cautious with everything in your life, trying to control every single part of it, but you're only human. you turn away for 2 seconds, and everything you've worked so hard for can just...disintegrate. just like that.

and i thought about the rat and the tooth he cracked the night before he was scheduled to go for his dental appointment. he brushes and flosses more than i ever do or ever will. he goes to the dentist more regularly than me (the last time i went was when i was in primary school or something??). and he had been postponing this particular appointment for a while and had finally made up his mind to go for it on this certain day. and the night before, while he was eating dinner with a friend, he suddenly felt this little piece swimming around with his food in his mouth and realised that one of his teeth was loose and jiggling. he had no idea what to make of this, especially because of the fact that he had finally decided to see the dentist the next morning, clearly not foreseeing this tooth-chipping incident. besides, its not like he even bit into anything hard and he had always taken such great care of his teeth!

when he told me the story, i swear my first response was amazement and awe. that his tooth could have chipped at any time but it did so only the night before his dental appointment, as though someone had foreseen this tooth-chipping thing and prepared so damn precisely the timing of his dental appointment! of course, the rat couldn't get past the fact that only bad things happen to him and he couldn't see or feel the amazement and excitement i felt at this realisation. how could he? he was in immense pain and discomfort, aggravated by burning, provoking questions about his life and the state of it.

then i thought about that car incident i had. how come i couldn't see it the same way i saw the rat's experience? why hadn't, or rather, WOULDN'T i see that i had gotten the money just when i needed it?? noone could have predicted this silly accident. and it's not like i even have a stable job at the moment. and yet, i had the cash on hand precisely when i needed it, no later, no earlier, just on time. but i refused to see it that way, no way. i was just mulling and fuming over how i had worked so hard to create that montage, how i could not show my parents that i was saving money and my bank account was really not that empty, how i was back to square one again, how of all the things i could have spent that money on, it would have to be on something as silly and mundane as repairing car damages that could have been avoided in the first place. hell, i didn't even plan on being in that place at all till the last minute that day, and only after much deliberation and finally, resignation. oh, all the what-ifs and whys!!

yea, just too busy pitying myself and worrying about things i never ever worried about before, like money. i mean, it's not that i take money for granted that i don't worry about it. rather, i'm immensely thankful for the comfortable and stable life my parents have provided for me so selflessly. it's just that, money has never been anywhere at the top of my list of priorities. when i was younger, and this could even be last year, i could foresee myself living with much less and being totally and unconditionally joyful! and then, with all this stress of getting a "proper" job and "doing something with my life", i can't help thinking that this means making lots of money to shut everyone up and show them that i can "do something with my life" and "get a proper job". i know, what a sellout.

which brings me to irony 4. of all days, i decide to start on yet another of paulo coelho's book (the valkyries) the afternoon i'm getting my haircut. and it's all about dreams, as are most of his books, and how almost all of us always end up killing the things we love most, like our dreams and the people closest to us. and that accident and my response to it just opened my eyes to the fact that i've been storing my riches in the wrong places, killing my dreams in the process.

but you can't see all this if you don't look into the distance, into the horizon, can you? as we grow older, we stop looking around, marvelling at how new and fascinating everything is, and we start to look inwards and wonder why our souls are shrinking. why wouldn't they be shrinking? it's like the universe only contains us and our rituals now and how alone we sometimes end up feeling. when we look into that horizon, we expand our universes and our souls have more room to grow, to feel, to see, to revel and explore! jesus said, "let the children come to me and do not stop them, because the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

and today as i was at mass, i asked myself, could i still sit here and praise and thank you, god, for everything in my life, even and especially for the things you took away? and now i can say, "you give and take away, still my heart will choose to say, blessed be your name."

who knew 2.5 seconds could teach someone so much? it could.

mr. play-it-safe was afraid to fly
he packed his suitcase and kissed his kids good-bye
he waited his whole damn life to take that flight
and as the plane crashed down he thought
"well isn't this nice..."
and isn't it ironic ... don't you think?

(disclaimer: the rat says i got the details wrong. he didn't chip his tooth during dinner and all the negative vibes come from me!! =P)

glitter

it's like god accidentally knocked over a bottle of glitter while he was turning the lights off and he said, "ah heck, i'll clean it up in the morning," because he was so tired from just doing and doing and doing and thinking and thinking and thinking and everyone was always taking and taking and taking and "they're saying it's my fault now?" and "oh! look at what a mess i made made made...heaven?!!" and as he sighed in awe while his heart overflowed, his breath carried some of that bizarre glittery powder to the other corners of the universe that was his room.

i close my eyes now and remember that night. the silhouettes of the mountains in the distance, the sound of the gentle waves lapping onto the lake shore, the fact that it may only have been 10pm but it looked like the rest of humanity had vanished from the face of the earth, poof! i remember how still yet alive everything was, how my "hero" younger bro, pravin, was wearing a singlet and freezing to death, how my butt got a shock when it decided to make itself comfortable on a cold, cold bench. but mostly, i remember the stars. there were so many, too many! supernumerary (dictionary.com's word of the day)!! i mused about how anyone could ever have come up with the concept of "constellations" had they been staring into the crowded insanely beautiful mess i was staring at then. i think now, that if i ever become a psychologist, i'd use the cloudless night sky at te anau as my rorschach ink(glitter)blot test and i reckon that somewhere along the way in my patients' attempts to draw lines and forms in that mess, they'd surrender to the phenomenon of awe and wonder and forget why they were seeing me in the first place. oh, and i caught some shooting stars gliding slowly across the sky that night and i wondered whether the two of us were the only ones who saw them at that moment and i felt doubly, triply, quadruply lucky as i had always believed that to see even one in your life was a remarkable feat.

i think of the strange calm i feel now even as i know i may have messed up big time this time, again. a mess i knew i was making even while i was making it, a mess i just needed to make. it's like i was inside looking out and outside looking in all at once. i know i could have stopped myself but i also know that i couldn't. maybe one day i'll feel sorry. maybe. and now, i think of that sudden silence that shouldn't be there, that little empty space in that part of my universe tonight. it should make me anxious, it should make me pick up that phone and do something foolish and irrational. but i just look at that phone, that blank, blank screen, and i look away and marvel at how it is unusually quiet in my head. i think of god knocking over that bottle of glitter and thinking of the mess he was going to have to clean up and then looking around to discover that life was still beautiful, in fact, possibly more beautiful than ever. i think of that deeply silent night where my heart drummed loud and free to a tune only i could hear as i pondered that purposeful gleaming mess and how perfect it was knowing that i/we were the only one/s who could have been witnessing that spectacle together with those great, majestic, ancient mountains in the distance then. you were not there, life was more silent than usual....but it was all, amazingly okay.

i know i'll be okay. =)

we're looking for the beach cafes as we walk along the sidewalks of cronulla, a beachside suburb in sydney. we meet a nice old lady who is everything a nice old lady can be.

"where are the beachside cafes?" we ask.

"i'm going towards them. you can walk with me," she says, with a welcoming smile and a soft, gentle voice. she interviews us and says, "welcome to australia," when she finds out we're not locals and were here for world youth day.

"coming home from work?" i ask, noticing her bag and the time of day.

"oh, no no. i was playing bingo with the other old ladies. we play bingo every monday. but my feet were sore and i decided to go for a walk." after which, she starts explaining bingo to us.

as we reach the first cafe, she bids us the kind of goodbye which you say to someone you've known for some time and you're seeing off at an airport or something and walks into the st vincent de paul store for a little afternoon shopping.

we walk down to the beach and it is, whats-the-best-word...pleasant. some young guys are playing some sorta rugby, it's almost sunset, we muse about how nice it is that there is a gym facing the sea and how the locals' equivalent of playing basketball on concrete between concrete in singapore is playing soccer on the beach surrounded by the waves and the majestic hues of the sunset sky every evening in cronulla.

and it's hard to imagine that just 2.5 years ago, racial riots occured here. and fast-forward to today, as i'm sitting in the car while we're on the way to dinner, i think about all this and my life and the lives of people i know while listening to the conversations going on around me about the strife and joys of other people. why do people do this? why do people tear at themselves and at each other when they have everything?

as the conversation in the car moves along, so do my thoughts. we're talking about the difficult yet necessary choices people have had to make. i breathe in deeper and my heart beats faster. will i ever dare to make those choices, at least one? a choice that will forever change the course of my life? while i was in sydney, we had a conversation about che guevera and the motorcycle diaries. his initial path was to be a doctor and a roadtrip changed his life forever. but the crucial step was allowing that change to take place. i know i've yet to be so much more, and i have the most ominous and pressing feeling that it will mean that my life will be forever changed and that makes me want to just be, well, not much. but then, boom boom boom like fireworks in my heart, these dreams rise up from time to time and send electric shocks through me. at these times, i feel like my heart would just burst through me any second if i sit here any longer. then, i just let the moment pass me by, i let the dreams grow smaller, i shrink with them. will these dreams forever pound against my chest, waiting to take flight, waiting to be..something? waiting?

i was watching a movie on my laptop with earphones plugged in when i heard the low and loud rumble of the fighter planes probably preparing for national day. i run to the window and look for them in the sky. this is my second favourite part of national day (first being fireworks, of course). and as i gazed at those planes, i was washed over by an epiphany. it's like you were in one of those planes, soaring, where you should be. i don't want your dreams to forever pound against your chest either.

i think about all this now. the collective pain and joy of this world. i think of how even the forgotten and the unlikely ones would each have their moments of glory and tragedy and romance and heartbreak and everything in between, how each one of us could have an epic movie made after us. and my gosh, it hits me that this world is so alive! all these desires, whether it is the desire to be with someone you love, the desire to end it all, the desire to have it all, all these desires that drive us, mould us, tear us apart and make us beautiful all at once, all these emotions and motions, all this...life!

try it, just zoom in to one person right now, anyone, and then imagine everything you can to the finest details about this person's life. i used to do that and still do sometimes. i'd be sitting in the bus, looking out of the window, and my eyes would zoom in onto the elderly man on his bicycle at the side of the road or the construction worker sitting at the back of a lorry. i'd start imagining what they were like as kids together with all the innocence and brutality of being a kid, the aches in their hearts as they remembered home and wives and girlfriends and lovers-who-never-were and their favourite food and their daily rituals, the pangs of loneliness that just couldn't be shaken off, did they lose someone they love? was this the life they imagined they would one day live? and the dreams they carried in their hearts, are they still pounding against their chests or have they been set free?

and it's funny because i realise now that the more i turn my eyes onto myself, the less i am aware that i am alive and have a mission and dreams. yet, the more i look at the world and the more i am a witness to the lives of others, the more i find this sense of hope and awe, and with that, the awareness that i am, indeed, more alive than ever and have a mission and purpose here.

do you dare do you dare do i dare?