shireen!

2011-10-10T21:44:00.000+08:00

thesis: brain apoptosis

so here we are. what a year it has been! and it hasn't even ended yet. right now, i can't afford to think about the past or the future. satori. this is what it means, huh? i can do this!

2011-09-24T15:20:00.000+08:00

infinity

surrounded by choruses of drunken flirtatious banter, we sat there, shielded by a deep unseen connection. she said many things, each word a source of fascination and rumination, a string of which stood out more than others.

"he wants your strength. he will try to take it. don't give him your power."

i sometimes wonder whether warnings are always meant to be unheeded so that we may recognise that they were in fact, warnings, legitimate ones, on hindsight. always on friggin' hindsight.

this was the one thing i did not dare tell you, the only bit i left out, the most important bit. that night, i teared on your chest while you wondered why i had stopped smiling. but you did not know it then. that for the first time, not only had i stopped smiling infront of you, but that i had also allowed myself to cry. my heart was full and breaking every time it was nearing the end. it was always going to be the last time, did you not see?

i now wonder whether it is too late. i'm not sure you deserve it. but this time, i say, i refuse to play the victim. this time, i say, i knowingly choose these things, and i will choose again. it just won't be you the next time, i always say, every time, every time, i drive away.

the truth is, i fear your world and i want to run as fast as i can, towards the other direction, into the arms of everything familiar and safe. but it was those very arms i had bolted from in the first place, sure never to return.

the truth is, the only running taking place is the one where we go round and round, in hopeless, never-ending circles.

2011-09-03T23:59:00.000+08:00

a dream

when all this over, no. before all this is over. i want to live in a little wooden house by the sea for a while. there will be a room with a keyboard, a guitar and my mac. windows facing the waves. the smell of coffee. a lighthouse in the distance. some days, the seas will be as grey as the sky. other days, impossible hues of pink, orange and purple. but at all times, extensions of the heart. song after song. unstoppable. until it is perfect (it can never be). until it is perfect. i'll sing as loud as i want. strum my heart out. whisper, scream, snap my fingers, who cares. i have to do this.

2011-08-20T14:53:00.000+08:00

-insert riff, play on repeat, tap feet-

treading ever so gently, so carefully and quietly. like a pleasant guitar arpeggio that masks the wounds contained by words. the glint in the eye, matching the smile. so easy to fool. "there's always a reason to laugh," i carelessly utter. let it all slide, it's all so calm. a certain lightness, so unbearably light it weighs down my bones, all the way to my feet and into the ground. float like a ghost, going nowhere. anti-gravity. where is home, the heart wants to know.

2011-08-13T15:05:00.000+08:00

and let me fall into the dream of the astronaut

our bodies say what our lips will never dare to utter. and when we're apart, the space becomes a vacuum, a vortex of our emotions, feelings and the things left unsaid, and we are the only two excluded, we choose it. we become two planets again, individual, alone, continuing along our original orbits. the light years may bring us together a few days later, what is time in this place? where is this place? who are you? a chaotic, insane collision amidst the deep blackness of the sky that surrounds us. we will never know the true colour of sky. brilliant lights, hot energy, a black hole. space.

2011-08-09T12:16:00.001+08:00

heart skipped a beat

5 years and 4 months. almost 2000 days of our lives. how all those hours disappear in a moment, a heartbeat. suddenly, you're not here. the ghost of your fingers through mine. i wore that ring you gave me to sleep the other night; time, circumstance, and place will never be able to understand nor contain this love we shared, share. i put the ring back in the box when i awoke and promised myself to never wear it again, until (if) we are brought together again in this life. you are up there, soaring above the clouds, just as i dreamed. just as you dreamed. you never really know how much love you are capable of, you never really comprehend love, until that moment when you set the one you love free. how funny that a tear can contain so much pain and joy all at once. don't turn back, my love. keep moving, keep walking, keep soaring. open wide your arms, embrace your dreams. and maybe one day, those arms will find me in them again. maybe. but for now, don't look back. fly.

2011-06-22T09:50:00.004+08:00

it stung like a violent wind, that our memories depend, on a faulty camera in our minds / the last moments

i came to say goodbye to you. as with most other goodbyes, i pray it isn't, it wasn't, the last. chatter steadily filled the room as more people entered. our conversation dissolved into theirs. they were asking me all these questions and i was giving them all these answers, but my gaze was on yours. yours was on things not seen, but most definitely felt. a tear broke free from your right eye and poetically traversed down the lines on your face. you summoned what little strength you had then and uttered the next few words slowly and purposefully.

"shireen. i feel very sad. you are leaving." i wiped your tear away, that precious tear, and told you that i would come back and that i would see you again.

"mmm," your standard reply as you signalled your acknowledgment. it took too much for you to talk these days, i treasured every word you spoke. i treasure every word you speak now.

the truth is, we both didn't know whether that was the truth. the truth is, my heart was breaking through my reassuring smiles. i don't know who i was trying to reassure.

but you let me go anyway and we promised to always say a prayer for each other. i gave you a hug and kissed you. it was time to leave, there were bags to pack and a plane to catch.

i replay this scene over and over in my head now, fiercely clinging onto, protecting, preserving, every moment we shared. time plays tricks on us and memories always seem to blur into one, but i resolve to never forget you.

i walked into a beautiful church the other day. i remembered your words. "light a candle for me whenever you enter a church." the grandeur of the church and the simple candle set alight, it couldn't have been more fitting. our insignificance is, in reality, surrounded by and drenched in divinity. a simple prayer for a beloved grandmother wafted into heaven then. three days later, they tell me you're unconscious and haven't stirred since. yet, there's a quiet calm because i know that heaven is with you in that silence.

but one thing is true and this is for certain. i love you, amama. thank you for everything. you couldn't have been more perfect and you did good. you did great.

i pray these words will somehow reach you. i pray that God preserves your beautiful heart, clothing it with peace and his glorious love, even as your life here slowly fades.

again, i love you. i love you. thank you.

2011-06-07T14:57:00.001+08:00

strength

i've learnt that feelings, no matter how intense, fade.

you, who made me think the world of you until i shrunk into myself. if i let the feelings pass on by, i will finally see you for who you are, and me, for who i am.

you, who disarmed me with your squinty eyes and broad, child-like smile till it was the only thing i saw when i closed my eyes. if i let these feelings pass on by, perhaps i will see that you are still a boy.

three seasons in a day today. the sudden bout of winter hail, gusts of autumn wind, the spring-like evergreen trees that line my street. summer sun, come warm these bones.

i get stronger everyday. i will.

2011-05-28T12:25:00.000+08:00

rock and water

it really blows, sitting here and waiting for you. sometimes, i wish i had no one to wait for. my love comes in glorious waves, ready to drench and overwhelm. it slams straight into the hardest wall you've ever seen and scatters into a million little droplets. broken, and the droplets are all mixed up. slowly, i ebb away and retreat into the vast expanse of insignificant little molecules. and as time goes by, i start to feel brave again. i think of what is waiting for me at shore. i gather strength, courage. the waves begin to crescendo, and with confidence, i head to shore to seek you and drench you with my love. and you're not there. just the hardest wall i'll ever meet. i become a million little droplets again and dissolve into myself. again.

perhaps you were never really there to begin with. my head hurts.

2011-05-18T14:26:00.005+08:00

lessons from running

the truth is, sometimes, it is best not to think of the finish line, especially when you're running a 21.1km race and you're at the 14.23948km point and everything in you and of you is screaming, "what the hell am i doing here? i don't think i really need this. i could be somewhere else, having a snooze, watching tv, having a nice sunday brunch, yadda yadda yadda..."

because in all honesty, at that point, sometimes the weariness, inertia and sense of defeat and discouragement you feel outweighs just about every promise of glory, joy, admiration and all that jazz.

rather, at that point, i have found that the best thing to do is to just, keep going, keep running, keep breathing. don't think about the finish line (it will feel unreachable then). don't think about the people around you running faster or slower than you. don't think about how unglamorous you look right then running lopsidedly, hair all over your sympathy-inducing face, your t-shirt drenched from inefficiently hydrating yourself at one of the water points earlier. don't think about who was not there for you. don't think about what you should do with your whole life after this. don't think. about anything else but that moment. just keep running. you already sorted out why you were doing this over and over again before, it's not the time to do that now. now is the time to just remember why, even if it sounds like nonsense, and run.

and before you know it, you'll be 2km away, and then 1, then 0.00032, and then 0.

i'm reaching the middle of my whole psychology honours year here in australia. i know there have been, and there are going to be way more challenging...things besides this that i will go through in my insignificant existence here. but right now, i'm a little tired, a little overwhelmed, and although i'm kind of going it alone, i'm somehow doing fine.

because at times like these, running taught me that all you can do is to just keep running despite of it all, at moments of disillusionment, weariness, jadedness and doubt, during the course of your mission and the fulfilment of your dreams.

2011-03-31T22:54:00.003+08:00

ships are launching from my chest

i need to write again, i need to sing, i need my voice to fly into an open space and resonate with the cries of my heart! i need my keyboard, i need to be astounded by the flurry of notes swimming inside, waiting to break through the surface to show me the immensity of my spirit. i need to break free from your hold on me, i'm so far away and yet i'm not free. i will be. i will be. i....

2011-03-13T13:13:00.000+08:00

my body, my wonderland

there is something therapeutic about physically grooming yourself. i imagine this akin to the benefits of gardening. the pruning is never complete, new weeds grow while you are plucking out old weeds, flowers fall to the ground as new seeds are being planted, a part of your white fence is browned and greyed by dust and rain as you touch up paint on some other parts.

i never really bothered about such things before, because i was vain about being vain perhaps? and also because i felt better use could be made of our limited time in this meagre existence. but as i grew older, as i am growing older,

as i grow older,

i start to take notice of my body more. what are these eyes that make up my vision? and look at these nails that cover the flesh on the tips of my fingers. oh, what is this blue black doing there? and the nail that fell off two months ago, it's growing, it's growing! and the little hairs on my skin, how they too grow (the weeds of my physical existence), i use my nifty lawnmover to eliminate them. and there they are, growing again. these lips, the softness and smoothness of them as they receive the conditioning they need from hydration. the cracked desert floors they resemble as they are abandoned to thirst. the war between fats and muscles and cellulite, the waist that expands or contracts depending on how much waste i welcome or expel.

my body is so alive, so strong and resilient, self-replenishing, self-regenerating. but yet, so fragile and sensitive to change. the pain in my left, second toe, did i injure a nerve while unknowingly kicking it into a...i wouldn't know, i was unknowing at the time. dark rings under my eyes, where the skin is so thin, because i spend hours staring at the computer or sleeping too little or dreaming with my eyes closed for too long. the tattoo on my right inner wrist that has become part of this body, how my body accommodates this change and the butterfly becomes a part of me.

i begin to enjoy this process of (rather tedious and never-ending) grooming, for now at least, for different reasons for sure. not so much because i desire to be desired, which i do of course (don't you?). but more so because, it allows me to take time to appreciate the details of my body, my gift. and the process of transforming, is somewhat liberating. as colour gets splashed on nails adding excitement to footsteps, as hair (weeds) get pulled off from their roots revealing the ebony of my skin, as hair (tendrils) gets combed or clipped into place, falling where they will, curling where they must, this body, my canvas, becomes my masterpiece, over and over again. what a strange and wonderful revelation.

i thank God for this body, his original masterpiece, and i make a little pact with Him to take better care of it simply because, it is His gift to me, and a very awesome one at that.

2010-12-02T02:44:00.003+08:00

remembering and forgetting

i don't have to be sad, i don't have to be like you, to feel like i love you, to show you that i love you. there's too much love out there, too much beauty and life and fun, too much awesomeness all around and within me, to be sad for more than an hour or maybe even thirteen minutes. eye-bags aren't that cool anyway and you can't put loose change or breathmints in them even, they serve no purpose other than to remind you that you've spent far too much time ignoring and avoiding total...awesomeness.

there's so much to say, but right now i feel that these things won't really matter for much longer. i cried for maybe sixteen minutes. it was highly necessary, the tears dissolved into a glorious epiphany, that i was wasting all these tears and time crying over...this. then I cooked the best baked alfredo pasta i had ever eaten, cleared the wardrobe which would've swallowed my room up in time, played lots of online poker and had the most refreshing shower ever.

i get so busy healing myself of you that i always forget who loved me first. when i remember, it changes everything and i don't have to be that scared little girl anymore.

2010-08-18T23:22:00.000+08:00

resplendent are we

well i can't really say whether my dilemma about mortality in the previous post has been solved but.

there are also these other days like today when i feel a little more courageous, a little more excited to, as they say with the fullness of latin gusto, seize the day. on days like these, i feel that this universe, this world, this life is my oyster or pizza base or whatever and nothing fabulous even has to happen to make me feel this hopeful. these moments surge through me like splendid little shooting stars in the deep and dark blue space of my spirit, little glimpses of eternity and heaven and perfection.

yet, with insufficient sleep and tired eyes, even smiling upon shooting stars can turn into such a chore! the time is near and now, i place my dreams in your hands and take off to sleep. goodnight. :)

2010-08-17T00:18:00.000+08:00

these sounds will never leave you, will be there to receive you

some days, every thing in my life seems to be slipping through my fingers like sand and it hurts to hold on to anything and anyone at all. i wrap myself in layers of solitude (so that i won't have to think about how much i love everyone and the eventual end that awaits us all and how someone will have to go through all my or your excessive amount of photos and clothes and that wooden box containing the shell of a soul i cherished and adored making its lonely sojourn into the merciless flames, oh it is all so final) and everything becomes two-dimensional and so, so unreal. i become merely a shell long before it is supposed to happen. i shiver in my bones from the fear of losing everything.

so, i dive deeper into everything, i give everything, i have numbed my mind, i don't feel loss. i don't feel love too.

and all i really want right now is to be madly in love and fearless, you know?

2010-05-22T02:44:00.002+08:00

do you like taylor swift?

do you ever find yourself getting bored by the sound of your own voice and then quickly trying to finish up what you're trying to say because you don't even know what is the point in what you're saying anymore and if you've lost it, what more the listener/s? i think i just lost you there and yet, proved my point.

so....

martin says: (AM 01:19:53)
do u like taylor swift

Shireen says: (AM 01:20:02)hmmm
Shireen says: (AM 01:20:05)ok la
Shireen says: (AM 01:20:12)i mean, neutral (trying to be polite, just in case martin likes her)

martin says: (AM 01:20:16)have u heard of this guy called victor wooten
Shireen says: (AM 01:20:27)no but he has a cool surname
Shireen says: (AM 01:20:37)who's that?

WHO'S THAT??? well, someone less boring than i am! just watch this!

and all done on a bass guitar, mind you.

and then, i found all these! (where have i been???)

one guy, TWO guitars. faint.

two guys, ONE guitar.

as for this next guy, in the words of a youtube user:
"Flagged for making all other youtube videos look like shit."

i apologise in advance if the above videos (and related ones) have reduced your productivity for the day due to you sitting in a shell-shocked state infront of your computer screen, wondering whether those fingers are really fingers and whether you should quit playing the guitar, or even bother learning, if you haven't started yet. :|

p.s.

Shireen says: (AM 01:54:45)and why the hell u ask me abt taylor swift
Shireen says: (AM 01:54:49)then ask me abt wooten???

martin says: (AM 01:55:02)learn pop songs is to bluff girls one

Shireen says: (AM 01:55:14)lol!

martin says: (AM 01:55:16)i wanna see can bluff u or not hahaha

2010-05-02T23:57:00.005+08:00

i am the most confusing person you'll ever meet

if you ever took a walk around my mind, you'd find me there right smack in the middle of the most monumental tug-of-war you'd ever see. maybe then you'd understand how anyone could be so...so quick to hate, then, so much in a hurry to love. so easily angered and moved to tears, then, so impatient to forgive. so hasty to drop everything, then, so eager to pick them up all over again. so, and so.

but that doesn't matter because you only need to know one thing:

the only side that ever wins is the good one and i never really give up, even when i break down.

my technicolour streaks of lightning amidst a vortex of swirling grey clouds. :)

yes, i actually did it! took the photo above with my e71 and bad room lighting since 2 bulbs have blown and i'm ever the procrastinator! ok shireen, you cannot be blaming the lousy camera or the bad lighting for your shoddy painting skills!
(look, i did say that i'm no picasso, so you were duly warned! and are only allowed to say nice things.)

goodnight!

2010-05-01T01:22:00.000+08:00

falling in love with the most unlikely subject

all said and done, i would still choose to be me if i had to live my life all over again. the flipside of those woeful emotions that befall me is an amazing richness and depth in the way i experience beauty, love, joy, faith, magic, peace, passion, life....and i wouldn't trade that for anything (well, hopefully with a little more self-control on the angry-sad-hate side). it's really a package deal, take it or leave it. but just so you know, i love myself, i love being me, and,

i actually don't think there's anything wrong with that.

2010-04-29T16:16:00.000+08:00

hey, what's going on?

my mind seems to have taken a vacation this week, alternating between thoughts of running and whether it is a form of laxative and the word "endure" in as many languages as i can think of, aeroplanes and trains, romance, and/or the lack of it, ugly betty, plans to paint technicolour streaks of lightning amidst a vortex of swirling grey clouds, fantasies about goodbyes and heartbreaks at the thought of them, reno, my little cottage in the future with trees and swings strewn all over (please don't ever use the words "hdb flat" in your sentence when you are asking for my hand in marriage, nothing against hdb flats, everything against practicality when it comes to eternal love), mental disorders, etc, etc. you know, normal stuff.

i guess we are all moving on with our lives and being all adult about it now.

Twenty - five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination

aunty just reminded me that she was married with three kids and working in singapore by my age (yes, i'm 25!). i'm a failure.

2010-04-28T12:04:00.001+08:00

sleepless beauty

luckily for me, i tend to like, get bored of stuff like, really easily, and like, need to try new stuff, like, after a while.

so all this sadness and being like a lost puppy whimpering in wait for a lucky break like some doggy treats or unconditional love is starting to lose its allure for me and i'm thinking of doing some new...things, today. and hey, it does feel like friday because i was on night shift last night and i'm usually on night shift on thursdays which gets me most of fridays off and i get the rest of today off pretty soon. so what the heck. TGIF!

lets see, i'm thinking of going for a run later and i'm hoping to break the 10km barrier today. i'm also thinking of getting a dress? well, that can be considered. oh! oh! i should paint! i mean, hell i'm no picasso but i bet picasso was also going, "hell, i'm no picasso, but heck, lets do this!" and look at him now! ok, i mean, god rest his soul he's dead but, you know what i mean. how about some spring-cleaning? i confess that my room has been in make-over mode for the past two or three years shame on me but, but, if there's a bustle in your hedgerow don't be alarmed now it's just a spring-clean for the may queen, and as led zeppelin put it so eloquently, spring-cleaning should only be done in may. i rest my case. i need to rest on my pillow case. i apologise for the travesty of a blog post this "thing" has become, it's the heavily disrupted, disintegrated, insufficient sleep talking. shireen has been kidnapped and tied up in a corner by the ants in her head, you can leave her a message after the beep.

oh and ugly betty will definitely get some air time today, as she has been getting the past few days, for successfully nursing my heart back to the colour of ridiculous hope and calm.

come on, look at that crazily optimistic smiling rainbow!

the end.

2010-04-26T12:29:00.003+08:00

those girls

there are these girls. the ones the whole world loves to love. they wear the right clothes, everything fits perfectly. they look great in every photo, without even trying. their make-up is just right, their shoes are perfect, they never seem to wear the same thing twice. they seem to float along, everyday, just floating, wondering which club to party at for TGIF, where to meet their girlfriends for lunch this tuesday, which clothes to sell at their garage sales to tame their exploding wardrobes full of glitter and glamour. their boyfriends (and their moms) think the world of them, showering them with gifts, shiny things, flowers, heart-felt compliments, like little boys seeing beauty for the first time. these girls never have to worry about those games boys play, they are too beautiful, too precious to risk losing. their facebook statuses are always about bitchy colleagues at work, a great weekend trying the best food with the best company, some awesome new acquisitions from recent shops-capades. they are not much acquainted with melancholy (it never lasts for more than two days) and sleep well at night. they are beautiful even when they sleep. they never need to try to be happy, it's just how they are at their rest state or equilibrium state or whatever.

then, there's me.

to be happy is like going for a swim in a stormy sea. i have to fight doubly, triply hard, much harder than others, just to be happy, and then, stay happy. the moment i lose focus, the moment i slack on my strokes or my arms or legs grow weary or water enters my goggles and i try to recover, i start to be pulled away by all these angry, vicious, vengeful currents. and before i know it, before i can even try to salvage the situation, i'm helpless. the waves are crashing repeatedly over my head and it's not even about swimming anymore. now, it's just about breathing, fighting for my life, fighting to stay alive. the temptation to give up is so intense, my panicked screams and cries are being replaced by desperate gasps for air. "you brought this upon yourself," chide the ones i call out to for help, and then they go on with their lives. i can't argue with their point though, can i? but why must it be so hard? it's not like i don't try. i try where others don't even need to try. why can't being happy just be as normal to me as breathing is? i don't blame you for wanting to stay away. i would stay away from me, it's like being with death.

i guess there's some beauty in walking on even when your heart is breaking...

into a million little pieces.

2010-04-22T13:11:00.000+08:00

"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe."

i know i might get shot for this, especially by all of you who are having nervous breakdowns about exams, deadlines, etc now, but....i'm so ready to study again! to enclose myself in the safety of a library, buried in books, poring over papers, searching for clues and lego pieces to give form, shape, substance to ideas and thoughts, to test and explore, to expand and renew, bombarding and being bombarded with questions to open doors to even bigger questions...aaargh, i can't wait!!

so where do i apply?

2010-04-20T21:40:00.003+08:00

a home for troubled cats

believe it or not, i carried a cat (kitten) for the first time in my life today! well, it's a big deal considering i'm so not a cat person and have no inclination whatsoever of giving them any portion of my undivided attention.

but i had no choice today. and it surprisingly felt, nice.

well, all the girls had gone for their run and i was busy speaking to one of their moms when the one they call "wang wang" kept cosying up to the mom. the mom was somehow totally freaked out by cats and refused to let us continue the conversation until wang wang was far far away. i tried to make funny sounds, snap my fingers, shake the chair, stamp my feet. the mom ran from one corner to the other. wang wang thought it was fun and started charging towards the mom all the more. sigh.

so i actually picked it up with my bare hands and brought it to the other end of the canteen. i could feel its heartbeat, its legs were swinging, trying to feel for ground, head turning about curiously. it must've thought the game had only just begun because as soon as i put it down, it ran all the way back to the mom with a dead-set purpose.

i ran after it, mom was still freaking out over the mischievous furry thing. again, with the same sense of "oh no..." in my heart, i picked up wang wang, brought it all the way to the front of the home, and prayed it would become curious about other things, or sleepy. those seem to be the only two ways to occupy a cat.

but just so you know, it really wasn't so bad. their moods, curiousity, stubbornness, uniqueness, playfulness, sleepiness, living as though they will never die (or have nine lives); sometimes i can't tell the difference between the girls and the cats (all 41320989182 of them).

***

update: ok just got back from the doctor. broke out in really bad rashes all over my face and body towards the end of my run just now. the only new thing i did today out of the ordinary was well, carry a cat! now i know why i instinctively avoid them. oh well!!!! all that previous gung-ho-ness is now but a flat tyre. oh well.

2010-04-03T16:30:00.003+08:00

valium in the sunshine

wow i feel like i've just gone around the world and back in the last 12 hours or so. at about 2am, whilst swimming in a whirlpool of memories, i chanced upon an email to a dear friend and discovered that once a upon a time, i had fallen in love with a musician and conveniently forgotten about him. i had spent the last 2 hours before that restless, itching for new music to blow my mind and the search bore fruit, very tasty ones, in the most unexpected way. how do i explain this? whenever i come across really good music, i really do feel like i'm in heaven, like i've found the most valuable thing ever. you don't know how happy it makes me. so, allow me to introduce you to...

Maps.

i really am not a fan of electronica, most of the time, and no, i'm not a music bigot. i'm just prejudiced towards the good ones. you know? but my, my. Maps' music is some kind of beautiful, really. and totally underrated.

i finally went to sleep at 430am, equipped with a kick-ass soundtrack for my dreams. oh my dreams, don't get me started. that was another adventure on its own! and for the record, there was really music in my dreams and i did feel like i was smiling! all rudely and abruptly halted by the phone.

i feel generous. how can i not share this especially? i'm going to leave you with some Maps tracks to savour through my ridiculous head-bobbing ninja player at the side! enjoy!

2010-04-02T13:17:00.004+08:00

hope

nothing beats waking up to a home filled with music.

i remember, when i was younger, i'd wake up to ottmar liebert's lively flamenco pieces which would accompany papa's breakfast before he went to work. on weekends, even till this day, as i'd trudge sleepily down the stairs in the mornings, that familiar sense of hope and peace would seep in as the likes of nick drake, enya, george harrison, neil young, pink floyd, etc, greeted my ears and as i saw papa having his morning breakfast and reading the newspapers in the garden outside. like today.

it is good friday. this morning, as i was reading the papers consumed with the strife of humanity, i was filled with, not gloom, but hope, so much hope. for in every article that was choked with suffering, the darling buds of human goodness were also found to be blooming through the crevices of darkness. there are always people who are fighting, raging against the dying of the light, and that gives me hope.

it was maundy thursday yesterday, the night jesus washed the feet of his disciples. the night he gave of himself. that same night, he experienced the depths of human loneliness in the garden of gethsamane. on this night every year, the holy eucharist is transfered to the altar of repose in all catholic churches to signify when jesus prayed and wept alone in the garden that night. it is a catholic tradition to spend some time at the altar of repose on maundy thursday, to "stay awake at least an hour with him."

as i spent some time at the altar, i realised that in that moment, noone could touch his loneliness, his great anguish. the airconditioning was ridiculously cold and i was shivering under my thickest (by singapore's standards) cardigan. i recalled the countless nights when i was in my very own garden of gethsamane, crying alone in the early hours of the morning in a park somewhere, skin all cold not because of the air but because i felt that i had lost everything. i felt that noone could touch my loneliness then. i remembered how i scratched myself to get the pain out and felt contented when i saw the angry marks on my skin.

and last night, as i recalled the moments of how my nails dug into skin, i would immediately have a vision of jesus bent double in agony at the same time, as though it was his skin i had dug into instead. and as i recalled the nights i spent praying for god to just not let me ever wake up again, daring him, challenging him, provoking him, i would instantly see that same image of the tormented christ again. i felt ashamed, that as he carried the weight of sin that night, for me, i wanted to destroy and only destroy, me, the very one he was dying to save.

i marveled at how even jesus had experienced what it felt to pray so hard for something only to be rewarded with more pain. he had prayed, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me; still, not my will but yours be done." he prayed so fervently that "his sweat became like drops of blood falling on the ground." yet, even after all that, he was betrayed, scourged, made to carry the cross, crucified on that very same cross between two criminals.

i had almost missed the point when i was reminded that the crucifixion had to come before the resurrection. i soon recalled the chain of events that transpired last year, at this very same time, that changed the course of my life drastically. it was a painful experience, filled with much rejection, uncertainty and confusion. it still stings, believe me. yet, if it did not happen, i would still be in a sorry state of succumbing to who i wasn't. i shudder to think what that would be like. for sure, i would have been totally off-course in the path of fulfilling my dreams.

totally.

2010-03-25T23:20:00.002+08:00

a semblance of an ordinary world

tennis was awesome yesterday. i felt so pumped up i'm not sure why. perhaps it was because of my annoying toothache. or the annoying traffic jam on the way(i hate all sorts of jams! blueberry jam, strawberry jam, silver berry jam, traffic jam, etc).

i felt like a cross between the williams sisters and a viking slaying dragons because every now and then, in between whacking the life out of those sorry green tennis balls, i was attempting to slay those irritating light flies (what do you call them?) with my tennis racket of a sword, swinging and slashing and prancing around. in between, i chased cute fat little frogs about, trying to veer them towards freedom (i.e. beyond the fences of the court). they were really cute. and fat. i was afraid they would end up in a squishy green glob of death.

finally found myself at a dental clinic today after god knows how many centuries. i was utterly shocked by the amount of blood i was spitting out as she polished and cleaned my teeth. bad news is it's only just started. worse news is i have to extract my erupting wisdom tooth in the very near future. good news is...well, i saw the dentist? and she graduated from otago! so we had some nice things to talk about. i really miss otago and my life there. it's one of those things i'm so glad i did. like really, shireen. at least one great choice you have made!!! oh dear, i'm talking to myself now, moving on...

so i'm at night shift now. feels good that i can finally spend more time with the girls instead of judges, officers, principals, reports etc. i love these girls the more i get to know them. they are really awesome, many times in ways i am not, and i hope i can help them all win.

i can smell the weekend already, i love fridays!

2010-03-23T22:41:00.005+08:00

spring is around the corner, baby!

i know, i know, i've been all sorts of emoish lately. we'll try to have less of that here, i promise! but every dog has its day and every girl has her...say? i know what you were thinking.

things have been looking up, or at least i have been. as much as my previous post seems to embody cynism, i assure you it is far from it. it's amazing what a sense of humour can do. it's amazing how a decision to just heck it and smilelaughguffaw actually makes you lighter as a person, to be, and to hang out with.

come on, shireen! you're back home "early" tonight! pack your stuff for tomorrow's tennis and swimming, take your shower, cuddle up into bed and put on some LOST!!!!

and i would still like to own a pet dragon.

New Jónsi Video - "Go Do" - Video - Stereogum
- Watch more Videos at Vodpod.

2010-03-23T02:29:00.001+08:00

ha ha

perhaps, in all that haste to turn everything into laughter, i'll find one that's really genuine. you know? the heartfelt kind that makes you feel like you're being continuously punched in the guts and turns on the waterworks? funny how the best kinds leave you in such pain, wanting more of the same. funny how a good laugh uncannily resembles a good cry. funny.

what's that? you're not going to be there again? i raise my eyebrows, shrug my shoulders, sing a tune, smile and walk on. it works. you love me better this way. i love me better this way.

2010-03-23T00:31:00.004+08:00

i need, i want, i have to own a pet dragon!

2010-03-20T23:58:00.002+08:00

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth

well, it's starting to sound more like noise. in other words, i honestly don't think i care. one day, it's not going to matter to me anymore. you can't hold ransom what really is free, can you?

one of these days. whoa-oh-oh!

-sings-

2010-03-17T23:00:00.004+08:00

what i do best

You grow, you roar
Although disguised
I know you

You'll learn to know

You grow, you grow like tornado
You grow from the inside
Destroy everything through
Destroy from the inside
Erupt like volcano
You flow through the inside
You kill everything through
You kill from the inside

You'll...
You'll learn to know

I wonder if I'm allowed ever to see
I wonder if I'm allowed to ever be free

You sound so blue
You now are gloom

You're now so blue
You now are gloom

I wonder if I'm allowed just ever to be

2010-03-16T22:52:00.001+08:00

2010-03-15T00:52:00.000+08:00

"status updates"

watched cop-out for the lack of a better available movie and i can now safely say i know at least 10,000,000 ways to annoy someone to his grave!!!

have started training at the gym and i love seeing the numbers go down, though it's not happening fast enough! also, i secretly love showing my trainer i'm tough stuff although i'm pretty much jelly and end up sheepishly grinning my resignation.

have finally decided to use ONE day of leave tomorrow (monday). i selfishly hoard my days of leave because i'm terribly optimistic i will be using it for a big road-trip sometime in the very near future.

discovered the joy of a helium can and letting go of heart-shaped balloons into the bottomless sky this afternoon. i felt a tinge of sadness as my very own purple balloon floated further and further away from me into those stormy grey clouds, carrying with it my cry of surrender of the things wrapped around my heart.

realised how utterly confused i truly can be. so totally sure one second, so totally not the next. i'm cool with it. i'm ready for the gunshot. bang!

:), i think.

wanna put my tender

heart in a blender

watch it spin 'round into a beautiful oblivion

- inside out by eve 6

2010-03-13T17:53:00.001+08:00

the movies

your hand reached down from the abyss out there into mine. the connection whizzed through my entire body and sent a jolt right through my heart. the dead skin, the heavy blubber surrounding my heart, all started to melt away under the heat of your never-changing love. then i could not ignore it any longer. now, it is clearer than ever before and i'm in shock. is this really happening? will i really choose this? somewhere inside, i know i must! but.

so now i've started to reel in my heart strings that have gotten themselves anchored in what seems like the wrong place, for so long. i feel my heart start to beat more easily and my guts relax as i pull those strings in. what an insane, beautiful, excruciatingly painful mess we would all be in if you knew just what made me pull in these strings. what a disastrous, historical, monumental tragicomedy we would all be in if i actually followed my heart unquestionably and completely.

i mean, it only happens in movies, right?

2010-02-21T22:40:00.005+08:00

to walk on water

i attended mass alone today, but somehow, i was everything but alone. i just knew.

my body felt totally ravaged, by all that movement, by all the noise, the abandonment, the tears, the anxiety, the thoughts, and even by my strange strange dreams. i wanted to stay in bed till late, avoid people in general, waste the day in a cesspool of self-pity, then trudge along to evening mass with my bleeding heart on my sleeve.

i don't know whether it was the fear of weirder dreams to come, or a sense of eldest-childlike responsibility towards mustard seed community, or an urge to be available in the evening to avoid catastrophe, or just because. but i got up, took a shower, emptied the wardrobe onto the floor because everything felt like nothing fit and made my way to the 11am mass at SFX.

i think that sometimes, God purposely wears you out till you can't fight anymore. and that is the moment when he takes over and tells you to shut up and just let him drive. by then, you're too tired to argue so you just do. no counter-thoughts, no "but what about....?" you just follow.

i just followed.

traffic was bad around serangoon garden way and i could have just turned around and gone the longer but less congested way. but i just "hecked it" and went along with it. reaching church, i looked around at the smaller lanes surrounding the area. i saw an empty lot somewhere but the car behind was approaching too fast, so i just "hecked it" and turned into the crowded church entrance. cars were fighting to get into the huge carpark, so i just "hecked it" and went along the side past the premium lots. and lo and behold, one huge empty premium lot is waiting for me there. i parallel park just fine into it, no car pressuring me from behind because all of them were still fighting to get into the huger carpark. seemed like all the "heck it" moments were like turns and bends guiding the flow of a river.

so by now, everything is starting to fit, the clothes on my body start to feel just right. i'm in church. but i'm still tired. i try to sing but i can't because breathing takes alot of effort on its own. my mind is empty because thinking is strenuous. as i am praying before i go up to receive communion, the whirlpool of thoughts spins into motion but comes to an abrupt pause when i feel Him say, "look at me!"

immediately, i see a stormy sea. and He says, "storms always come. but they always pass too. the thing is, are you going to sink or be washed away, or are you going to walk on water? it depends on what you choose to look at. peter started to sink when his eyes drifted from me to the storm."

and instantly, i started to see him in every situation i was in this week. His body, bruised, as people tore each other apart at home. His arms, enveloping each wounded soldier in the countless battles this week. His hand, on my shoulder, as i was reduced to my frightened 8-year-old self. His loving gaze, keeping watch by my bedside, as i curled under my cocoon of a blanket and cried myself to sleep alone. and now, in communion, in me.

then, mass ended and it was time to go for mustard seed's session. i was hungry to the point of an impending migraine. i drove down to serangoon gardens, where colin helped me to get a burger and coffee and drove back to church. session had started but i was so hungry i "hecked it" and sat out of session for a while to eat. when i went in, they began to sing these words:

Only by grace can we enter
Only by grace can we stand
Not by our human endeavor
But by the blood of the Lamb
Into Your presence You call us
Call us to come
Into Your presence You draw us
And now by Your grace we come

i immediately knew, just knew, that He had been everywhere with me on that lonely sunday morning. i wanted to kneel, i didn't know why. but i knew i had to. nevertheless, i didn't, well simply because nobody else did. then, jeanette flashed the next slide and it was a picture of jesus holding on to the arm of a man, i assume peter, sinking into the sea. and i immediately remembered the words that were spoken in my heart at mass earlier.

we then went into the next song, "heart of worship", and the urge to kneel became so strong. every act to resist it felt like i was holding back an entire ocean. i caved, and allowed my knees to buckle in resignation to the cold marble. and the tears, they just started to flow unceasingly!

i don't know how to describe it but i'll try.

it felt like i had finally fallen into the arms of God, the first lover of my soul, and He was letting me know precisely that, that it was His arms i was in, and it was His presence which filled that room, despite the disappointing turnout. as the tears fell, i felt as though every word i needed to speak, every ounce of hurt that was steadily muting my spirit, was finally released into the care of someone who actually knew, understood and loved me.

i got distracted after a while though. because my face was a mess and i badly needed to wipe my nose, a very unglamorous moment! i wanted to ask someone for a tissue but everyone was deep in prayer so i turned around to walk out the back door, albeit reluctantly. i wanted so much to stay in that presence! as if to let me know He was taking care of everything, from carparks to near-drowning experiences, lo and behold, there, on the table at the back, lay an open packet of tissue!

sigh. wow.

reminds me of a night back in time, one that i will never forget. perhaps a story for another day?

someone asked me how i was just now. i guess it would be summarised in the following:

"i'm doing ok. not everything is ok, but i feel strangely calm and very secure knowing jesus has my back. just feel extra sure of that today. :)"

2010-02-12T17:44:00.001+08:00

there goes a supernova, what a pushover.

yeah.

2010-01-29T16:34:00.005+08:00

don't you waste me in the ground

in these finite moments, i ask myself, what right do i have to deny my dreams from coming true? how dare i hold back this soul which is bursting at its seams? these songs, under what authority should i keep them muted, hidden, tell me! i imagine. soft, melodic riffs on guitars. smiles of loved ones by the seaside. long-flowing dresses. colours, lots of them. a never-ending sunset. you, faceless right now. us, defying the logics of love and reality, creating surges in hearts long after we're gone.

2010-01-24T15:00:00.003+08:00

unfailing love

i was out at sea yesterday, the wind tussling my hair and salt water lacing my lips. i lay down on the hull, my wine glass resting on my stomach, and flung my gaze into the stars, searching for the ones i could not see. i knew there was more, so much more. darkness does not seem so scary when you are assured of more stars than you could ever comprehend. i am not so afraid now, God.

2010-01-12T19:58:00.001+08:00

to love into change

on sunday, i was sitting at the feet of a wise man who had many wise things to say and i really wished you were there to listen. next, i sat at the feet of his wise wife and judged you for not being there to listen. but there is a reason why you aren't there these days, not even for your own sake. then, i felt ashamed for my judgments, for only judging and nothing else. the truth is, you are just as broken as i am. the truth is, you are far more beautiful than i know.

and i'm committed to loving you into change, into freedom. it's what changed me.

2010-01-09T12:07:00.002+08:00

my mind rebels at stagnation

while i have acquired a small collection of books to take care of a small part of this predicament called "stagnation", my mind and body are physically starting to recoil at the thought that this will be me and us for the rest of my life.

no, i will not allow it!

there is still much travelling to be done, more dancing to be learnt, then danced, more planes to jump out from, more mind-prickling conversations over coffee-shop tables and coffee cups to be participated in, more white sheets of paper to have paint splashed on them, more rain showers to swirl around in...no, i'm not ready for a full. stop. this pen has many more adventures to write before the ink of its youth runs out!

so, what do you say? shall we?

2010-01-06T22:05:00.003+08:00

why i blog (since i hardly hold a pen to write these days and type instead)

because, everywhere else, i am forced to write about what others want to read, to achieve some end, for someone else. here, i write anything i want, whenever i want, just for the heck of it, for the love of it.

to love writing, what does that mean? to love words? words lose their shapes and meaning and blend into meaningless noise and figures when you stare too long at them. rather, i like how these words flow from the ocean up here in my mind down to the tips of my fingers and out into the infinite expanse of this universe. i love how i can glide over words as i write (type) them, read them, glide over these shapes that make up letters that make up words that make up...all sorts of things! i like how i am carried from one word (and world) to another as i get upgraded to the status of a newborn, and everything is like the first time all over again (accidental pun, intended upon hindsight).

mother teresa once said that she was merely a pencil in the hand of God and i picture the words and visions that flow through me from that incredible fountainhead of love as i allow them to escape into, and find their place in the universe through my fingertips, my nostrils, my lips, my toes and hair (to name a few)!

eclipse of the mind has begun, i need sleep soon, which my dreams so often rob me of!

2009-11-26T20:05:00.000+08:00

love is watching someone die

i wish we wouldn't take all these seconds and minutes for granted, fighting, staying angry, waiting, waiting, and waiting, for what?

sometimes i feel like that little girl, trying to catch those bubbles. but they always burst, they never last, just like these minutes, just like these seconds. i catch them in vain, their remains an explosion of soap and water, memories, pain and joy, in my hands, while you just watch them float away, watch me run to catch the next one, and the next, and the next. i don't know why i do it, i just have to, and wonder why these bubbles burst so fast and violently.

so, who's going to watch you die?

And it came to me then
That every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU
That reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself
That I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD
Took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines
In a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend
On a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth
I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground
As the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous paces bracing for bad news
Then the nurse comes around and everyone lifts their head
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said
That love is watching someone die

So who's going to watch you die
So who's going to watch you die
So who's going to watch you die

"What Sarah Said"

Death Cab for Cutie

2009-11-14T15:19:00.000+08:00

sometimes, it's almost hardly believable that there was life before me, before 1985. it seems that nothing is real unless i am there. that i am the only witness to everything in the history of the world from my first to last breath. and that everything will cease to be, when i am gone.

i mean, how would i know if there was REALLY life before me? how will i know if there will be life AFTER me? what if everything, even all the "proof", the photographs, skeletons, tombstones, movies and diaries, were all conjured up just for my lifetime? what if history and its stories, people, from babies to old people, were created just for this short span of however long i will be here, and what if that period is really, the only time this universe will ever exist? just like my dreams, alive and real when i close my eyes and forgotten even to myself when the sun finally wipes the sleep out out of my eyes.

2009-10-29T12:39:00.000+08:00

indeed.

it's time to return!

2008-12-16T20:52:00.003+08:00

taking a break. =)

2008-12-07T17:06:00.004+08:00

fireflies in a jar

says everything about the courage and wisdom....i wish i had.

but i guess you don't really know about the courage and wisdom
you really contain,
not even while opening that jar,
not until that jar is
fully opened.

2008-11-09T22:58:00.004+08:00

you know, i've often been told that i have attained a certain sense of self-awareness, one i thought i could take pride in. but you know what? self-awareness does not equal maturity, especially in actions, and definitely in love. some people manage to skip all that psycho-analysing of self and graduate with first class honours in loving maturely, and some others are excellent at all that thinking stuff in between but still have a long way to go when in comes to the bigness of their hearts (i guess i'm in the latter group of "some people"). it's not even about IQ vs EQ anymore. it's about EQ vs "actually loving". and that's just what amazed me about you from the start, it still amazes me. if only...

i mean, i could probably write a thesis on what perfect love should be, how an ideal relationship should work and why people would feel the way they do and i'm sure i could possibly impress a few people. but, you know what? so what?

if i speak in human and angelic tongues,
but do not have love,
i am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal.

and if i have the gift of prophecy
and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge;
if I have all faith so as to move mountains
but do not have love,
i am nothing.

if i give away everything i own,
and if i hand my body over
so that i may boast
but do not have love,
i gain nothing.

but no, i'm not going to beat myself up over this. i'm aware (there i go again) that this is just who i am and how big my heart really is now, and i know it's gonna take some stretching, major upheavals and a hell lot of growth pains before i release my hurricane of love to the world the way i was meant to! (drama!)

i just wish i didn't have to...to...i can't even bring myself to say it. it really stings.

2008-10-29T21:52:00.004+08:00

waiting for m

like two lovers in a roomful of strangers, when their eyes first meet, time stands still, so they say. they are amongst the noisy banter, the listless search to fill voids unbeknownst to all, the harrowing task of bridging gaps and filling silences with small talk, and yet, they are not of it. and as i sit here at this empty busstop waiting for m, i gaze up at those clouds above. that's all i have to do each time i want to feel that life is bigger than all this, all this. i love how small the clouds make me feel. i love how such splendour and majesty is only a tilt of a head away despite the smallness that i am. i love how i am not only a witness to that greatness but also a part of it. oh, clouds never fail to astound me. those glorious wisps of white and grey, we make a connection now, those clouds and i. the music streaming through my earphones provides an apt soundtrack to our secret romance. the buses and cars continue to whiz by, guitar-toting teens yell out to each other as they run to catch a 103, the church infront of me has almost totally emptied itself of the 6pm mass attendees, but i'm with the clouds and time has stood still for us. we move to our own slow rhythm and we go where we please, stopping whenever we feel like it. i only have eyes for the clouds now. and for those few moments, i'm somewhere else, not here. and then, a few seconds later, i am again, somewhere else, not here. my heart felt good. i prayed i didn't forget. i wrote it down.

2008-10-05T22:44:00.008+08:00

and isn't it ironic...don't you think?

an old man turned ninety-eight
he won the lottery and died the next day

it was just 2.5 seconds of vengeful gnawing and grating of that gate on the unsuspecting blue volvo and i didn't know whether to laugh or cry at it all!

the night before, i gave myself some pats on my back, pleased at the work i did and the hong bao (red packet used to present money in as gifts) i got for preparing a video and photo montage for a wedding that took place just a few hours before. that night, i lay in bed beaming to myself, recalling the smiles of the couple and their families and friends, replaying the praises and compliments lavished on me and of course, reminding myself that my bank account was going to be plumped up just a little bit more.

the next day, i woke up excited and slightly more hopeful about the future. i decided to go for a haircut. i walked out of the salon with bangs, having been successfully cajoled by the hairstylist.

then it happened, that very night.

i was driving into a certain place. (lets just call it that in case i get sued! though i stupidly complained about the accident to the boss of that place whom i personally know yes what a bimbo i am!). it was pretty dark, only one gate was opened, and i drove my dad's car in ever so slowly and even braked suddenly once, seeing how close my side view mirror was to the gate on my right. thinking the worst was over, i concentrated on turning in front instead. and that 2.5 seconds of turning my eyes away from that gate was all it took to cause a dent on the right rear door and a nice constellation of scratches to boot. immediately, i saw that big hong bao deflate, just like my balloon of joy a few moments before. poooooooooof!!

therein lay a few ironies....

irony 1. refer to alanis morissette's lyrics quoted at top of entry. fat hong bao today, skinny hong bao tomorrow.

irony 2: of all the days of my life, i chose to cut bangs on that fateful day, never daring to before, since i was 4? and for the first time since i started driving, i met my first...."bang", complete with dent and scratches!

irony 3: you can be soooooo damn cautious with everything in your life, trying to control every single part of it, but you're only human. you turn away for 2 seconds, and everything you've worked so hard for can just...disintegrate. just like that.

and i thought about the rat and the tooth he cracked the night before he was scheduled to go for his dental appointment. he brushes and flosses more than i ever do or ever will. he goes to the dentist more regularly than me (the last time i went was when i was in primary school or something??). and he had been postponing this particular appointment for a while and had finally made up his mind to go for it on this certain day. and the night before, while he was eating dinner with a friend, he suddenly felt this little piece swimming around with his food in his mouth and realised that one of his teeth was loose and jiggling. he had no idea what to make of this, especially because of the fact that he had finally decided to see the dentist the next morning, clearly not foreseeing this tooth-chipping incident. besides, its not like he even bit into anything hard and he had always taken such great care of his teeth!

when he told me the story, i swear my first response was amazement and awe. that his tooth could have chipped at any time but it did so only the night before his dental appointment, as though someone had foreseen this tooth-chipping thing and prepared so damn precisely the timing of his dental appointment! of course, the rat couldn't get past the fact that only bad things happen to him and he couldn't see or feel the amazement and excitement i felt at this realisation. how could he? he was in immense pain and discomfort, aggravated by burning, provoking questions about his life and the state of it.

then i thought about that car incident i had. how come i couldn't see it the same way i saw the rat's experience? why hadn't, or rather, WOULDN'T i see that i had gotten the money just when i needed it?? noone could have predicted this silly accident. and it's not like i even have a stable job at the moment. and yet, i had the cash on hand precisely when i needed it, no later, no earlier, just on time. but i refused to see it that way, no way. i was just mulling and fuming over how i had worked so hard to create that montage, how i could not show my parents that i was saving money and my bank account was really not that empty, how i was back to square one again, how of all the things i could have spent that money on, it would have to be on something as silly and mundane as repairing car damages that could have been avoided in the first place. hell, i didn't even plan on being in that place at all till the last minute that day, and only after much deliberation and finally, resignation. oh, all the what-ifs and whys!!

yea, just too busy pitying myself and worrying about things i never ever worried about before, like money. i mean, it's not that i take money for granted that i don't worry about it. rather, i'm immensely thankful for the comfortable and stable life my parents have provided for me so selflessly. it's just that, money has never been anywhere at the top of my list of priorities. when i was younger, and this could even be last year, i could foresee myself living with much less and being totally and unconditionally joyful! and then, with all this stress of getting a "proper" job and "doing something with my life", i can't help thinking that this means making lots of money to shut everyone up and show them that i can "do something with my life" and "get a proper job". i know, what a sellout.

which brings me to irony 4. of all days, i decide to start on yet another of paulo coelho's book (the valkyries) the afternoon i'm getting my haircut. and it's all about dreams, as are most of his books, and how almost all of us always end up killing the things we love most, like our dreams and the people closest to us. and that accident and my response to it just opened my eyes to the fact that i've been storing my riches in the wrong places, killing my dreams in the process.

but you can't see all this if you don't look into the distance, into the horizon, can you? as we grow older, we stop looking around, marvelling at how new and fascinating everything is, and we start to look inwards and wonder why our souls are shrinking. why wouldn't they be shrinking? it's like the universe only contains us and our rituals now and how alone we sometimes end up feeling. when we look into that horizon, we expand our universes and our souls have more room to grow, to feel, to see, to revel and explore! jesus said, "let the children come to me and do not stop them, because the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

and today as i was at mass, i asked myself, could i still sit here and praise and thank you, god, for everything in my life, even and especially for the things you took away? and now i can say, "you give and take away, still my heart will choose to say, blessed be your name."

who knew 2.5 seconds could teach someone so much? it could.

mr. play-it-safe was afraid to fly
he packed his suitcase and kissed his kids good-bye
he waited his whole damn life to take that flight
and as the plane crashed down he thought
"well isn't this nice..."
and isn't it ironic ... don't you think?

(disclaimer: the rat says i got the details wrong. he didn't chip his tooth during dinner and all the negative vibes come from me!! =P)

2008-08-17T00:07:00.014+08:00

glitter

it's like god accidentally knocked over a bottle of glitter while he was turning the lights off and he said, "ah heck, i'll clean it up in the morning," because he was so tired from just doing and doing and doing and thinking and thinking and thinking and everyone was always taking and taking and taking and "they're saying it's my fault now?" and "oh! look at what a mess i made made made...heaven?!!" and as he sighed in awe while his heart overflowed, his breath carried some of that bizarre glittery powder to the other corners of the universe that was his room.

i close my eyes now and remember that night. the silhouettes of the mountains in the distance, the sound of the gentle waves lapping onto the lake shore, the fact that it may only have been 10pm but it looked like the rest of humanity had vanished from the face of the earth, poof! i remember how still yet alive everything was, how my "hero" younger bro, pravin, was wearing a singlet and freezing to death, how my butt got a shock when it decided to make itself comfortable on a cold, cold bench. but mostly, i remember the stars. there were so many, too many! supernumerary (dictionary.com's word of the day)!! i mused about how anyone could ever have come up with the concept of "constellations" had they been staring into the crowded insanely beautiful mess i was staring at then. i think now, that if i ever become a psychologist, i'd use the cloudless night sky at te anau as my rorschach ink(glitter)blot test and i reckon that somewhere along the way in my patients' attempts to draw lines and forms in that mess, they'd surrender to the phenomenon of awe and wonder and forget why they were seeing me in the first place. oh, and i caught some shooting stars gliding slowly across the sky that night and i wondered whether the two of us were the only ones who saw them at that moment and i felt doubly, triply, quadruply lucky as i had always believed that to see even one in your life was a remarkable feat.

i think of the strange calm i feel now even as i know i may have messed up big time this time, again. a mess i knew i was making even while i was making it, a mess i just needed to make. it's like i was inside looking out and outside looking in all at once. i know i could have stopped myself but i also know that i couldn't. maybe one day i'll feel sorry. maybe. and now, i think of that sudden silence that shouldn't be there, that little empty space in that part of my universe tonight. it should make me anxious, it should make me pick up that phone and do something foolish and irrational. but i just look at that phone, that blank, blank screen, and i look away and marvel at how it is unusually quiet in my head. i think of god knocking over that bottle of glitter and thinking of the mess he was going to have to clean up and then looking around to discover that life was still beautiful, in fact, possibly more beautiful than ever. i think of that deeply silent night where my heart drummed loud and free to a tune only i could hear as i pondered that purposeful gleaming mess and how perfect it was knowing that i/we were the only one/s who could have been witnessing that spectacle together with those great, majestic, ancient mountains in the distance then. you were not there, life was more silent than usual....but it was all, amazingly okay.

i know i'll be okay. =)

2008-07-26T23:56:00.003+08:00

we're looking for the beach cafes as we walk along the sidewalks of cronulla, a beachside suburb in sydney. we meet a nice old lady who is everything a nice old lady can be.

"where are the beachside cafes?" we ask.

"i'm going towards them. you can walk with me," she says, with a welcoming smile and a soft, gentle voice. she interviews us and says, "welcome to australia," when she finds out we're not locals and were here for world youth day.

"coming home from work?" i ask, noticing her bag and the time of day.

"oh, no no. i was playing bingo with the other old ladies. we play bingo every monday. but my feet were sore and i decided to go for a walk." after which, she starts explaining bingo to us.

as we reach the first cafe, she bids us the kind of goodbye which you say to someone you've known for some time and you're seeing off at an airport or something and walks into the st vincent de paul store for a little afternoon shopping.

we walk down to the beach and it is, whats-the-best-word...pleasant. some young guys are playing some sorta rugby, it's almost sunset, we muse about how nice it is that there is a gym facing the sea and how the locals' equivalent of playing basketball on concrete between concrete in singapore is playing soccer on the beach surrounded by the waves and the majestic hues of the sunset sky every evening in cronulla.

and it's hard to imagine that just 2.5 years ago, racial riots occured here. and fast-forward to today, as i'm sitting in the car while we're on the way to dinner, i think about all this and my life and the lives of people i know while listening to the conversations going on around me about the strife and joys of other people. why do people do this? why do people tear at themselves and at each other when they have everything?

as the conversation in the car moves along, so do my thoughts. we're talking about the difficult yet necessary choices people have had to make. i breathe in deeper and my heart beats faster. will i ever dare to make those choices, at least one? a choice that will forever change the course of my life? while i was in sydney, we had a conversation about che guevera and the motorcycle diaries. his initial path was to be a doctor and a roadtrip changed his life forever. but the crucial step was allowing that change to take place. i know i've yet to be so much more, and i have the most ominous and pressing feeling that it will mean that my life will be forever changed and that makes me want to just be, well, not much. but then, boom boom boom like fireworks in my heart, these dreams rise up from time to time and send electric shocks through me. at these times, i feel like my heart would just burst through me any second if i sit here any longer. then, i just let the moment pass me by, i let the dreams grow smaller, i shrink with them. will these dreams forever pound against my chest, waiting to take flight, waiting to be..something? waiting?

i was watching a movie on my laptop with earphones plugged in when i heard the low and loud rumble of the fighter planes probably preparing for national day. i run to the window and look for them in the sky. this is my second favourite part of national day (first being fireworks, of course). and as i gazed at those planes, i was washed over by an epiphany. it's like you were in one of those planes, soaring, where you should be. i don't want your dreams to forever pound against your chest either.

i think about all this now. the collective pain and joy of this world. i think of how even the forgotten and the unlikely ones would each have their moments of glory and tragedy and romance and heartbreak and everything in between, how each one of us could have an epic movie made after us. and my gosh, it hits me that this world is so alive! all these desires, whether it is the desire to be with someone you love, the desire to end it all, the desire to have it all, all these desires that drive us, mould us, tear us apart and make us beautiful all at once, all these emotions and motions, all this...life!

try it, just zoom in to one person right now, anyone, and then imagine everything you can to the finest details about this person's life. i used to do that and still do sometimes. i'd be sitting in the bus, looking out of the window, and my eyes would zoom in onto the elderly man on his bicycle at the side of the road or the construction worker sitting at the back of a lorry. i'd start imagining what they were like as kids together with all the innocence and brutality of being a kid, the aches in their hearts as they remembered home and wives and girlfriends and lovers-who-never-were and their favourite food and their daily rituals, the pangs of loneliness that just couldn't be shaken off, did they lose someone they love? was this the life they imagined they would one day live? and the dreams they carried in their hearts, are they still pounding against their chests or have they been set free?

and it's funny because i realise now that the more i turn my eyes onto myself, the less i am aware that i am alive and have a mission and dreams. yet, the more i look at the world and the more i am a witness to the lives of others, the more i find this sense of hope and awe, and with that, the awareness that i am, indeed, more alive than ever and have a mission and purpose here.

do you dare do you dare do i dare?

2008-07-04T01:41:00.002+08:00

friction

so just now i was watching "what would happen if.." on the national geographic channel and there was this segment called "brain in a box" or something where these three smart dudes were discussing for 10 minutes about the importance of FRICTION. so fast-forward here, fast-forward there, my eyes glazing over and there i am zoning out when, after talking about cars and motion and particles moving, they finally reach a conclusion:

NO FRICTION = NO LIFE

wow, seriously, what a thing to say! according to the build-up of their conclusion, friction is the force which holds everything together, right down to the level of particles (hmmmmm). and how they ended up with "no friction = no life" will need alot more thinking , remembering (of my physics notes in days of yore) and research on my part to let that sink in. it's like comparing friction to oxygen, as though it were some sort of life force. or is it?

it got me thinking really. ideally, we'd all want smooth-sailing lives without inertia, without worry, without forces opposing our direct line of motion, the fulfilment of our dreams, etc. then, we have this bunch of guys coming in and saying that without friction, there can be no life and that friction is the force which holds everything together. so to even have a life which is ideal, there needs to be friction to even have life in the first place. BUT without friction, there can be no life, so there is no such thing as a life without friction in the physical universe because life cannot exist without friction??? something about "no friction = no life" somehow really fascinates me and i can't stop thinking about it.

i'm sorry to disappoint you but this post has no deep conclusion on my part. yet.

2008-05-31T18:58:00.002+08:00

this tiny heart, all neatly wrapped up and packaged in a confused haze. those hot tears have cooled; a thin layer of frost remains. and i know you still beat in your bruised state, i felt you resonate with the sunset. i know that given half the chance, you would burst right through me, your rays stretching to the horizons, even if just for a second. speak to me, oh my heart. what is god whispering to you in the stillness? what am i hearing but not listening to? what am i looking at but not seeing?

2008-05-08T03:36:00.001+08:00

the perfect remedy

as cheryl (probably heaven's salesgirl of the year) shared about how she shared her secret remedy to a woman whose husband was was in the pits of depression, going from doctor to doctor, trying to find something that would remove that heavy piece of stone from his heart, i couldn't help but feel inspired to try that remedy myself. it was a remedy i had once faithfully gone back to over and over again before disillusionment and cynicism drove me to dump it aside together with my bible for later use and occasional tuesday nights.

it's probably no longer a secret that i've been depressed for the longest time. where i once used to carry this heavy sadness in my heart, i now even wear it. it's not hard to tell really. the lack of energy and drive to do things, the tired eyes and old demeanor even though i've only just turned 23, the anti-social behavior, the short temper and excess of emotions, the resistance to forgive and let go, to hold on to every single grievance caused to me and remember it for dear life...what a load to carry around, no wonder this heart is so tired, no wonder death sometimes seems like such a welcome respite.

tonight was no different from the past few nights for the past few weeks. the usual upsets, the usual loneliness, the usual desire to want to curl up on my bed and cry to nobody. but then i thought about cheryl and how in the deepest darkest crevices of loneliness and pain she can find the grace to pray and pray and pray, how she can find it in her to love me and all the people around her, not just friends or family but complete strangers. and i felt inspired to pick up that remedy from that dusty shelf once more.

i can't begin to describe how beautiful it was. as i sat there and quietened myself, being mindful that i was tuning myself into god's frequency, i started to feel calmer and allowed myself to be vulnerable to god. even now as i close my eyes from time to time to recall that experience, a wave of calm washes over me. it makes me feel thankful for my humanity and the experience and purification of faith and love through it. the encountering of jesus through the depths of my human pain and the amazing love that greets me and transforms me.

at that point, i was struggling with anxiety and unforgiveness, my body felt bruised and battered because i was just so tired and anxious and sad. i now know that being old is not having lived a certain number of years or walking slower than before. being old is really being weighed down with disillusionment, unforgiveness, cynicism and sloth, to name a few. i picked up henri nouwen's "inner voice of love" which cheryl gave to me and read a chapter which spoke about the two selves, the one you left behind because you were fearful and the one you became to appear formidable and how while you long for your old, intimate self, you push it away just so you'd survive. but you were only surviving without living. that's really how i feel these days. from wanting to be "jesus" to everyone, i got tired of being trampled on and took on the opposite form, shooting my mouth as soon as i was hurt, harbouring unforgiveness like a sacred treasure and doing pretty much whatever the hell i wanted. i was rebelling with a vengeance. henri nouwen wasn't far off when he penned down this reflection. he noted how that little, fearful self shouldn't be forgotten and pushed away but be made to become part of us again and that if we only allow ourselves to live with it, how much we would learn, how we would find that jesus is dwelling in that weak, fearful, human self. with all these thoughts forming in my mind, i picked up my journal which i had neglected for almost a year and instead of penning things down, i started flipping through, and i was deeply awed. i had experience those same emotions, those same thoughts then, and through those writings and my little tete-a-tetes with god, i realised how much that old, fearful self had so much to teach my now "formidable" self, how you really are your closest and most intimate friend. i was tearing when i read about the sufferings of shireen then and how i wish i could have warned her, pulled her out of it but as i read on, i was more amazed by her faith, her eagerness to forgive, to obey and to love. and i was inspired once more.

prayer is a beautiful thing. through that little prayer time just now, i found myself transforming from a person of bitterness and anxiety to one of love and forgiveness. i found myself being able to separate myself from experiences and hurt and to forgive and love those who would not understand or love me the way i wanted them to. i found myself wanting to not only pray for myself but for others. each time i worried about the reactions of others at my attempts to make peace and forgive, thinking, what if they reject me or think me a fool, i was reminded that my inclination to forgive was really between me and jesus and not because of the person in question. his/her willingness to forgive would be between him/her and jesus too. so instead, i thanked jesus for the grace to forgive.

it was indeed a beautiful time of prayer as i just allowed myself to be still, to converse with god and to write as i once used to. i recalled the words of cheryl when i told her about how i marvelled that she was always praying. and she told me that she just felt that jesus had so much to tell her. and i'm smiling because i know jesus has so much to tell me too. i feel like i've found an old friend and it's great to be back again. i pray for the grace to be disciplined in sticking to this remedy. prayer really soothes the ailing heart like nothing else can. also, i actually feel my aches gone and i do feel lighter and a little stronger. i'm actually smiling! you gotta try it if you haven't!

p.s. thanks for that forgiveness "mail", papa.

2008-05-03T02:14:00.007+08:00

the shrinking heart

sometimes, i get this feeling that my heart used to be really big...not just big but..huge! i feel this because i sometimes feel this gaping hole where love used to reside, like i'm becoming more of a shadow and less like light. i don't think it's hindsight bias, i think i used to generally love everything and everyone. it was just easy for me to and i couldn't, wouldn't have it any other way. jesus, to me, was the coolest guy. not just a fantasy, not just a myth, not just a historical figure or a far-fetched legend. fully divine but also FULLY HUMAN, he was my role model, the coolest hippie around who didn't just sing songs about making love not war while smoking weed in a corner nor having long discussions with family and friends bitching about everyone and everything while doing nothing about it. he went out there and loved the rejected and the ostracized, the freaks and the goons, the sinners and the forgotten, consoling where consolation was needed and putting right things that were wrong. every moment was a mission to love, to give and to grow. suffering was a means for love and faith to be purified and life itself was a prayer and communion with the divine.

that was what and who i aspired to be. life was beautiful no matter what and i was always thankful for what little or alot i had. black holes would come and go but i got out pretty fast, forgave pretty quick, loved like there was no tomorrow and was driven to live every moment like it might have been my last. i carried my hopes, my dreams, my resilience where i went, staying true to them. people said i was naive and used whatever other adult-words they could find to describe the ignorance and persistence of youth but i was undaunted, steadfast and resolved to live the life i dreamed.

then, bit by bit, this big heart, this bright mind, started shrinking like a helium balloon that had flown too high and too long. i don't know how it started or why but one day, i knew these had grown awfully small when i realised that i didn't care whether i lived or died anymore, whether i hurt myself and others or not. i decided others could live the "jesus dream" because i was too weak, too broken and too unworthy to do so anymore. yes, instead of the light, i was quickly becoming the shadow, sucked into the darkness and hollowness of my own existence. could i blame anybody? it didn't matter whether i could or not, i started lashing out at the world who didn't get me, didn't allow me to breathe. i lashed out at god many times, asking him why i was still here, night after night as i lay my head on my pillow, eyes wide open in the dark, anxious about how i would ever get through another night like this. i "recommended" to god the neatest, most hassle-free ways to cease my existence in this world so that i could just disappear and be gotten over with "just as i deserved". suicide was out of the question and will NEVER be an option so you could say i was just, waiting.

i broke down many times, losing control of my emotions and impulses, easily triggered by attacks which i perceived, were to my self-worth. i felt really alone, not being understood by the people whom i really wish would understand instead of judging me so quickly. i hurt myself and others immensely. i felt i was such a "gone-case" that...so what? so what about world hunger or marginalisation or poverty? i couldn't even help myself. that's how absorbed i became, how small and shrunken this existence spiralled towards being.

what's happening? why? i can't really say. i type in past tense above but in reality, it's an ongoing battle i face. maybe i'm crazy for feeling those things, maybe i'm crazy for splashing these feelings across this page...but don't tell me i'm the only one. i know that there are many out there who have ("had" is merely an illusion) so much to give and who yearn to live and love big but now, only mourn for the death of their hearts. life for them, for us, sometimes is this big black question mark which sucks you in deeper and the more you struggle, the more you sink, like quick sand.

then there are people like lydia gouardo who are what they are and say what they say and totally blow my mind, removing the "cataracts" from my eyes and giving me a good shake-up , like being thrown into a pool of icy water first thing in the morning. my heart blooms again in these moments and becomes filled with hope and dreams once more. and the cycle repeats, wilting heart, blossoming heart, wilting heart, blossoming heart, only with greater intensity each time.

this video below speaks volumes and says very concisely and strikingly what all these paragraphs are trying to decode about the state of my heart. the important thing is, i'm still alive. and while i'm alive, i still have a shot. you do, too!

(p.s. stop the music at the right-hand side before playing the video, unless you want to create some kinda funky remix version of either song)

2008-05-03T01:39:00.005+08:00

mama, harold and kumar

i swear my eyes are gonna pop out from playing this crazy "who has the biggest brain" game on facebook. i can feel it. i'm slowly turning into a zombie, with my eyes all spaced-out, staring in one direction, transfixed and relentless! so much for school being out, i'm drowing myself in math and memory tests!

watching harold and kumar with mama was so much fun! how it all started was hilarious. we were sitting side by side getting our pedicures done on thursday when i told her i was arranging with some of the msc dudes to watch harold and kumar the next day to which she replied, like a needy teenage girlfriend (yes, my mom), "i also want to watch!!!", complete with furrowed brows and pout. she had gotten the idea that it was going to be one of those chevy chase national lampoon kinda movies, don't ask me why. pravin and jeevan had come back with raving reviews about it and she decided this was a show she couldn't pass up on. now, any kid would say no to watching such shows with his or her mom, riiiiight?

wrong! before i found out (after the movie was over) that she thought it was a national lampoon knock-off, i genuinely thought that my mom was starting to become more adventurous. i mean, she seemed to be living out her second teenagehood these few days, sometimes to the point where i'd feel i was more like the mother and she, the daughter. it got me really curious as to how my mom would react to such a show and i immediately said yes! and she told me just now before leaving work, she was actually boasting to her colleagues that she was going to watch "harold and kumar!"

so we just watched the show a few hours ago and it was so incredibly fun watching with her! she was actually laughing hysterically. at some scenes though, she would go, "you mean jeevan (my youngest bro turning 18 in a few days time) watched this?? how can jeevan watch this??" of course, she came out shaking her head but i'm sure she secretly enjoyed it and i told her so.

i have more things to say. but i'm going to put it in the next post, right after this one! now!

p.s. i actually thought the "square root of three'' poem was pretty smart. i loved it! here it is! don't read on if you want to preserve the surprise factor!

The Square Root of 3 by Dave Feinberg

I’m sure that I will always be
A lonely number like root three

The three is all that’s good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath the vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine

For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic

I know I’ll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality

When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three

As quietly co-waltzing by,
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands

Our square root signs become unglued
Your love for me has been renewed

2008-04-30T14:40:00.009+08:00

i gotta get me one of those!

Messerschmitt KR201 1958great family car, huh? like the jetsons in the 1950s.

Inter 175A Microcar

i adore this. like driving a mini boat on land. it's so tiny that with one little headlight at the front, this car could probably be mistaken for a torch light.

1956 Avolette Record De Luxe

is it me or does this car just make you happy?

1958 Goggomobil Transporter
(you have to check out the other automobiles at this site!!)

seriously, all vans should look like this.

1958 Heinkel

super stylo!

BMW Isetta 250

if all police cars looked like this, criminals would be on-the run...towards them instead.

Honda Puyo

click the link and read about it! it's really funny. trust the japanese! =)

Brutsch Mopetta

swooooooooooon!!!

and yes, they're real cars.

2008-04-30T14:04:00.004+08:00

these eyes

so there are actually other people who see this static. it's called "visual snow". i only see it in the dark but according to that website, there are people who see it all the time. i do sometimes experience those increased afterimages or trails though. they seem to float up and down for a while, longer than they should according to what i read about persistence of vision and the sensory memory in my cognitive psych text. i find these trails quite fascinating. and do you sometimes see a black spot that seems to be in the centre of vision wherever you look? i do and it seems like i'm not alone.

and you know what's funny? i made a disclaimer in the post below that i wasn't on lsd. the visual snow website indicates that phenomena associated with visual snow also occurs in people who are on certain drugs, including lsd. =O

in other news, i'm sure by now you must have heard or read about the austrian man who locked his daughter up in a hidden cellar in his house and fathered seven children with her? in the papers today, lydia gouardo, a french woman, describes how she suffered a similar ordeal for 28 years, but what blows my mind is what she says at the end of that article and i am immediately ashamed of myself for not wanting to wake up in the morning sometimes, for wishing death or wasting my life away in despair.

Barely literate, unemployed, she hides her burn scars under long-sleeved clothes - but says she is happy to have survived.

"When I think of what I've been through, I wonder how it's possible. Every day when I open the front door, I take a deep breath.

"I live from day to day. But I love life. When people complain, I say life is beautiful," she told RTL.

"I am fighting back now. When a bill comes through the door, I am happy. I am here, I exist."

what grace she must have to say such a thing. those such as her, they are our real-life everyday heroes.

2008-04-28T02:06:00.003+08:00

lying in bed with the lights off and the curtains open, i stare up at the ceiling, wondering whether if i try hard enough, i can see colours in the dark, whether i can see an invisible world parallel to the one i'm in. and for the first time i noticed that in the dark, everything looks like it is covered by static, infinite specks of black and white. amazed by this new discovery, my eyes dart around the room, from the walls to the cupboard to my blanket to the space in between everything and the "static" is still there. is this normal? do you see the same thing lying on your bed with the lights off and the curtains open, staring at your ceiling?

and no, i'm not on lsd or whatever. goodnight!

2008-04-26T13:34:00.003+08:00

dear god,

thank you for the Dark Night. without it, i cannot know faith. and whilst i cry out for a hand to hold on to and keep me from drowning in despair, i know that i can never fully know faith like this if i am not alone. many times, i cry out to you, asking you when this will end. i lash out against the people who i love and who love me, asking why they were not there. but today, i have woken up to a new day and you allowed my eyes to pour over the words of a simple book you led me to and i am affirmed, encouraged, to not give up, to not lose hope, and to embrace my Dark Nights. to not know what should happen next and yet move forward with courage. to love without fear. i surrender this day to you. be with me in my choices.

love,
reenie

2008-04-26T02:45:00.003+08:00

i can't sleep.

i sometimes wonder, what is it like to go to sleep with a big smile on my face? i'm sure i must have done so before. but it feels like it's been too long, so long that i've forgotten what it's like.

as i lay my head on the pillow, i wonder whether i will get lonelier and lonelier from this day on. i start planning when i want to secure a job and what i should do for income till then and then i'm hit with the realisation: who am i going to enjoy with? i think about what i'm going to do when (if) i wake up tomorrow and i can't even get past the morning without feeling empty. bit by bit, i feel the walls caving in on me till it is just me. no voices, not even the sound of static or the universal hum. just my breathing.

some people said today (not for the first time), "i come to your blog, i read the first line and i want to off my computer," as a humour-intended passing comment about the length of my posts. "i don't understand what you are writing, i don't know whether you are happy or sad". i don't know either sometimes. but the irony of their jabs, what they didn't know, and will never know, because they probably never will get to this line, is that that's pretty how much i feel about my life these days. i feel like i'm just shrinking, shrinking, shrinking. till i'm not even worth a glance or ear anymore.

i could probably get used to it. i don't think so. i'm gonna try to get some sleep.

2008-04-25T00:27:00.007+08:00

"baby's black balloon makes her fly..."

on sunday, i was at a workshop (vocation discernment tools) and to keep awake, i started doodling in my notebook. it started with your normal average garden, which suddenly started spouting balloon plants (the "flowers" were balloons and the "leaves" were ribbons), one of which was then given by a boy to his lover, who then floated into the sky together, further boosted skywards by a whole bunch of balloons which had gathered below their feet. the doodling took on a life of its own to create a whole balloon planet whose occupants had wandered towards other parts of the universe. for example, there was a man (holding on to a bunch of balloons) walking his dog on, i don't know, jupiter? and of course, you can't leave out saturn because it has so much character (my favourite planet!). on one of its rings, a lone young man (holding on to a bunch of balloons) sits pondering, watching his planet far below him. a young lady (holding a bunch of balloons) hangs on to a star, which does not burn in her hands. a couch potato (with balloons tied to his couch) floats across the sky watching the best show of his life. as these ideas flowed out of my pen, i grew to love it more and more and decided that it would be my first paint "masterpiece".

the next day, i got to work. after having meticulously transfered my doodle onto the nervous new sheet of paper, i began my quest to become the next monet. not that i'm a huge fan of water colours but that's what papa got me so i was determined to kick some water colour ass! since monday, painting has taken on a whole new meaning for me. and i don't think i would have experienced this if i had not started with water colours. you see, painting with water colours (lets call it WC, haha) is really tedious. if its too watery, you smudge other parts. you can't paint your background first because it would be hard to paint things on top of it. because of that, you have to be so so careful when painting around all your people and balloons and trees and boats and whatever during the background stage. and then there's the issue of painting the little things. like the little people or the little ribbons (leaves of the balloon flowers) or the doggie's little face and for something so small and perhaps insignificant to an observer, it sure takes your utmost concentration. which was an experience of awe and wonder for me. it made me ponder the conception and creation of my very own existence.

i mean, like me, i'm sure you might sometimes look into the sky or at the sea and be blown away by the vastness and immensity of this universe and for that moment be throughly overwhelmed by the smallness of your being. how out there, here, in this universe, you must be nothing but a mere speck of dust (from dust we come and to dust we shall return). all these feelings that drench you, all these moments that create the life you live, all these words you say, all those thoughts, all these attempts to survive, to find meaning, to discover truth, to fight for what you love and believe in...how small they all must seem!

but why don't you try painting small people in WC? why don't you try painting little ribbons attached to strings attached to balloons in WC? and then, instead of despairing or belittling the smallness of your being, you will be overwhelmed by it instead! because sweeping a crimson-stained brush across a sunset sky is NOTHING compared to painting the whiskers on a little doggie. marvel at the precision and care that was taken for you be created exactly the way you are, whether you are a shireen or a joyce or a nash or a reno (if you see your name here, it's probably a result of divine inspiration or erm, sporadic thought!) of course, do not then scoff at sunsets and seas and stars and saturn! let the colours, the vastness and the brilliance sweep you off your feet. wonder at how they're never the same each moment and yet beautiful all the same.

well, now that pravin is back from new zealand, he's introduced me to the world of acrylics and of course, put an end to my delusions of being some kind of artistic prodigy! while painting now seems more daunting than ever, especially in the presence of someone worthy of the title, "artist", it's also really refreshing to learn about the variety of colours, strokes and techniques one can use with just a few tubes of paints and a couple of brushes. rather impressive even! i can't wait to wake up in the morning and try it all out! i didn't just now because when i started, the sheet fell of the easel and toppled the cup of water which spilled all over the floor which sent me into a panicked frenzy to save my painting and the floor! haha. also a sign to stop because i was really tired and pravin had just said before that, that painting while you are tired subconciously makes you bo chap (can't be bothered) and can be seen in your painting. painting, though releasing and random, is indeed a deliberate and intense process. the story of creation.

if you've succeeded getting to this part of the post, you sure won't regret it. here's why. i mentioned at the start of this post that i had been doodling this picture on sunday, and to add on, during the sleepiest parts of a sunday afternoon. now, today i'm scanning the papers, and i read about this catholic priest from brazil who, to raise funds, tied himself to a humongous bunch of helium-filled balloons and flew up, up , up into the sky to beat his previous record of flying with 600 balloons. the priest is now LOST!!! here's a scary fact, the priest flew up into the sky on sunday, the same day i had the mad inspiration to draw a pageful of people flying across the sky hanging on to balloons!! i didn't know whether to laugh or cry reading this article. this priest had actually shown that this crazy dream of mine was possible and not trivial enough to not be attempted (i'm sure others must have tried this but i haven't come across their stories yet). i really do hope that he is safe and does get found though! you can read about it here.

p.s. a select few will be privy to the finished piece and if it's GOOD, you guys MAY get to see it here. =P
p.s.2. go to flickr.com, search "balloons" and be blown away!
p.s.3. i finally figured out a way to stop kings of convenience from always receiving the spotlight on this blog!!! enjoy the songs. will add more soon.

2008-04-18T13:47:00.002+08:00

a good kind of ache

Let me sail, let me sail, let the Orinoco flow,
Let me reach, let me beach on the shores of Tripoli.
Let me sail, let me sail, let me crash upon your shore,
Let me reach, let me beach far beyond the Yellow Sea.

From Bissau to Palau - in the shade of Avalon,
From Fiji to Tiree and the Isles of Ebony,
From Peru to Cebu fear the power of Babylon,
From Bali to Cali - far beneath the Coral Sea.

From the North to the South, Ebudae into Khartoum,
From the deep sea of Clouds to the island of the moon,
Carry me on the waves to the lands I've never been,
Carry me on the waves to the lands I've never seen.

We can sail, we can sail...
We can steer, we can near with Rob Dickins at the wheel,
We can sigh, say goodbye Ross and his dependencies
We can sail, we can sail...

Orinoco Flow by Enya

2008-04-17T00:01:00.004+08:00

you know, i just love this space. from the photo above to the music to the colours to the words. don't get me wrong. i'm far from eloquent with a limited lexicon and my photography skills are probably in want and the music must seem so yesterday and my design skills are....what design skills. but all this together, it's just so...me. =)

well, if you really know me, at least the way i know me, then you'll understand.

in a few hours, i'll be back at shokudo. i'm definitely going for the sashimi and the bacon-wrapped asparagus. and i'll probably try something new. aaargh, what a headache. can't decide.

and oh yes, in a few hours, i'll be done with my final exam of my smu life. studying for cognitive psychology is pretty funny because in a way, you are kind of studying about how your mind absorbs, retains and processes things. so technically, it's like studying about how to study and then taking an exam on it. seriously, you have topics like memory, problem solving, reasoning and decision making....

ah, can't wait can't wait. to get round to serious business. like the beach holiday i've been drooling over. like playing ALOT of tennis. like going back to beautifying my purple room. like cooking. like reading storybook after storybook. like resuming my kampung cycling-swimming regime. like learning to do things like meditating, cooking (new stuff) and brushing up on my video editting. like spending more time with people i care about. like splashing some colours on the canvas lying beside my bed (papa et al. gave me a paint set, complete with easel and all for my birthday =D and yes, too much research proposing and psychology mugging has left the habit of going so-and-so et al firmly ingrained in me, ah my education!). and sooooo much more. and yea, i guess looking for a job as well.

ok i'm getting incoherent and carried away. and as i say this, i start to think about something i read in my language chapter for cog psych. well, this Grice fellow stated that there were 4 maxims for a conversation. quantity (keep it short and sweet), quality (self-explanatory), relevant (keep to the topic) and manner (to communicate in an orderly, coherent fashion). and as i appear to be failing to meet all 4, it's time to end this post. goodnight.

p.s. thank you for the surprise chocolates, mr pope groupie. you really learn fast (from papa M). chocolates are the cure and opium for all illnesses and dire circumstances. since i started with a smile, i shall end with one too, though that doesn't make sense. nothing does in this post. =)

2008-04-13T02:13:00.007+08:00

the best birthday gift - learning to love

one of the most beautiful things about loving somebody is dying to yourself. it's times like these you realise that you're stronger than you know, that your frail and meager heart is capable of something bigger than you can ever imagine and that love indeed empties, heals, nourishes, fills, strengthens, emboldens, illuminates, cleanses, transforms, creates, soothes....frees. it's not easy, noone ever said it was. it's one of the most painful things you may encounter and you may want to give up halfway, even to the point of wishing you would die. but, there's nothing more important. nothing worth more. than to love and to forgive. every. chance. you. get. which is all the time, here and now. i wish i did it sooner. but i'm excited and looking forward now, to love, love, love!

p.s. this doesn't mean letting go of your self-worth and allowing yourself to stay trapped in a situation or relationship which batters it.

2008-04-09T01:44:00.006+08:00

i'm kinda getting obsessed with that cloud thing. who wouldn't? after looking at this? i am inspired!

(a little preview)

2008-04-08T16:23:00.006+08:00

part 1: scruppy

little scruppy the puppy will be returning home to his rightful owners tomorrow. he belongs to my cousin who went on a holiday with his family. little scruppy, what can i say? never has reno felt further and closer all at the same time as i bend down to ruffle his fur, pour water into his bowl, take him for walks.

and once again, i'm reminded of the beautiful warm feeling of returning home to a dog. the unconditional love! every time scruppy sees me, he welcomes me and goes totally wild like it's the first time every time! he jumps up, balancing on his two hind feet (which makes him look like a little toddler learning to walk) as his two front paws struggle to hold on to me, after which he goes into a licking frenzy. when i walk away, he lets out a torrent of high-pitched puppy yelps and attempts to bulldoze his way through the fence. every. single. time.

having scruppy stay with us these few days has brought back some colour into my life (he's really a wacko and immensely entertaining and eventually, highly lovable), given me one more lovely reason to wake up in the morning and come home in the evening, and taught me about accepting new events and people and things in my life. that nothing can ever replace what is gone (like my wonderful reno), but that everything and everyone is in fact unique and yet all one at the same time. none is better than the other. beauty lies in the perfection of all things, all perfect in itself and the whole.

part 2: from the second i hit the "publish post" button for this post...

from the second i hit the "publish post" button for this post, i will no longer go on facebook or msn for a week, maybe more. you can still contact me by email and sms though. and i will still blog here if i feel like it.

from the second i hit the "publish post" button for this post, i will withdraw into my cave for a week, maybe more. not forever, just for a while. while driving home in the rain just now, clarity washed over me. i need to be silent for a while. and for that, i will avoid being in positions where i so easily react. i know i said something like this a few posts ago, but well, it didn't really happen. i always give in at the last second. well, i'm going to try again. and succeed.

from the second i hit the "publish post" button for this post, i will clear up the junk yard that is my room and restore it to its initial glory, exuberating warmth and purple and me.

from the second i hit the "publish post" button for this post, i will put my mind to better use, such as studying for my exams next week, instead of picking at the scabs of my wounds.

alright, am i missing anything? well, if i am, i'll just add it to the chalkboard on my wall.

ok, lets go!

2008-04-08T02:38:00.008+08:00

see the bedouin fires at night, see the oil fields at first light, see the bird with a leaf in her mouth, after the flood all the colours came out...

i want to disappear for a while, to evaporate and become a cloud, high above, illuminated in pink, blue, green, magenta, orange and gold by spectacular sunsets, floating on by around the world, away from everything, from words, angry silences, work, standards, boundaries, hurt, blame, anxiety, confusion, disillusionment, thoughts, cigarette fumes, mosquitoes, shavers, clothes, weighing scales, desires, restlessness, sighs. everything. to roll over mountains and rivers and deserts and oceans. to be closer to the stars, away from all the bright lights and computer screens. it would be so quiet up there, everything would be so so small and all i might hear is the wind. and i would just close my eyes and smile as the wind gently delivered me on, from one place to the next. i would probably start to miss home, crave company and feel restless again. i'd start thinking and wondering, have things changed? are you thinking of me? then i'd rain down, drop by drop, falling down down down, to the rooftops and car hoods and the pavements and the trees, seeping into drains, rivers, soil. and then, i will miss the sky and wish to be a cloud again. such is the cycle of tears, salty and intense. i long for the sea.

p.s. what a wonderful idea! i just saw this a few fridays ago and ran to the window screaming, "look at the clouds, look at the clouds!!!" for anyone and everyone who cared. i didn't know these had a name. iridescence. lovely. =)

2008-04-07T20:37:00.004+08:00

in slow motion, the blast is beautiful

"I've got this feeling that there's something that I missed
(I could do most anything to you...)
Don't you breathe
Something happened, that I never understood
You can't leave
Every second, dripping off my fingertips
Wage your war
Another soldier, says he's not afraid to die
Well I am scared
In slow motion, the blast is beautiful
Doors slam shut
A clock is ticking, but it's hidden far away
Safe and sound"

- somewhere a clock is ticking by snow patrol

like a short-circuit. like an atom bomb. like fire crackers. it only takes a few seconds for sparks to fly. it only takes a few words to sink a ship or bomb a whole country to smithereens. or even worse, to break a heart. bang bang, we danced round each other, with a rhythm noone understood, to a song noone heard, except us. there's no meaning for it, just sounds and motions. bang bang, it was only a few seconds stretched out to what seemed like an eternity.

and all i really wanted to do was just put my arms around you and tell you that everything is ok. i know, yes i am aware. that i was the one who fired the first shot. i am deeply sorry.

2008-04-06T00:10:00.004+08:00

to float away...

sometimes do you wonder
what is real strength of character
to stay or to run?

will the sun rise tomorrow? probably. will i rise to greet it? who knows.

why can't i feel it in my bones? i see flashes, glimpses from time to time. it makes me gleam inside. i go to bed with a smile. but, why have i never felt it in my bones? why has it always been merely a yearning to feel? i felt it in my bones once.

it's like being tossed about in a psychedelic spin of a never-ending circus full of pirouettes and prances, carousels and clowns. what is real?

i sometimes feel like i am not part of my body. during these times, i look at everyone, and i know they are not their bodies and suddenly, i feel as connected to a stranger or to my boss as i am to myself and to my mother or father. and then i think of you and everything becomes as real as it looks, encapsulated by bodies, jars, doors, once again. because you became distinct. and then, so did i. how should it actually be? i'm tired of trying to live according to what it should be. i just want to be. to be nothing and everything. to be so empty that i'm bursting with life, with love. to be a little speck of light and a big bright beam with my smile floating like a thin film over everyone and everything, over my lover and my friends and my family and all i've ever known and loved.

what will i do if i should greet the sun in the morrow? my eyes hurt.

2008-04-01T00:35:00.003+08:00

april's fool

glancing at my handphone, a grin crept onto my face as i was on the 147 to school. "Tue 1-Apr-2008," it read. how could i forget, i thought. i can't let this day go by without playing a prank or five!

me (in an sms to melt): We got into amazing race! They just called!!

and then, i looked at my phone again and realised that it wasn't tuesday. oh s*it!

melt (in a phonecall like 1 minute later): (something along the lines of) are you serious?? oh my gosh!!!
me: (something along the lines of) you know what? happy april fools'. but actually i thought it was already 1st of april. i got the date wrong.
melt: (something along the lines of) raaarrrgh! my colleagues said it was probably an april fools' prank being the eve of april fools but aargh!
me: yar, so dumb! ok i'll tell you again tomorrow.
melt: no! it's ok!

how are we going to join amazing race??? already getting dates wrong and two hours in the sun is enough to melt us. i can't use the word, "melt", without having the image of melt (the person) conjured up.

ah, i am april's fool indeed. and i have company. happy birthday, eugene (the one voted on facebook as most likely to corrupt the minds of young children, not an exageration!)!!! have a good one! ;)

2008-03-31T01:29:00.005+08:00

SHIOKudo!!!

i was in heaven today, or at least tasted it.

why didn't anyone tell me about shokudo earlier??? for those of you as ulu-fied (living on another planet) and swaku-fied (ignorant) as me, it's this japanese version of marche at raffles city and i think i almost cried when i stepped inside today. all things japanese and yummy (and whale-less) under one roof! it's really dangerous though. they give you this card when you step inside so that every time you order something at any one of the stalls, they scan your card and key your order in (like marche). and with the amount of good food in that little place, you could get carried away with all that swiping and go into an epileptic fit when you present your card to pay. i had salmon sashimi, cha soba, yakitori and i stole some of jeevan's rosti and papa's yummy vege thingy and his waffle with ice cream and everything was sooooo good. even now, i'm just dreaming of the yakitori asparagus wrapped in bacon in my mouth and i'm going weak in the knees. aaargh! i wanted to order so many more things like the unagi and the omelette thingy and the japanese pizzas and alot of sushi and i am going mad thinking about it. my goodness, to think it was a stone's throw away from school and low-life-no-life-shireen-who-scrams-from-school-whenever-she-can only just discovered it like...NOW??? 3 weeks before my SMU school life ends??

ok, shokudo has got to be my favourite restaurant for now. it's just really fun having such a wide selection of (quality) japanese food and i don't think any other restaurant has ever got me this lovesick after being separated from it. oh that asparagus wrapped in bacon and that salmon sashimi. just gotta have it. NOW!

my goodness, what a frivolous decadent post. how ar. week 13. 2 research proposals, 2 presentations, 1 quiz, 2 exams, 1 community service report (overdue by 4 years), internship research and meeting with boos, left to go. how ar, how ar, how ar! i hope i can go back there to eat soon. wanna join me?

mmmmmmm...asparagus...bacon......night night.

2008-03-30T01:56:00.000+08:00

with my eyes closed and my heart wide open.

2008-03-29T16:27:00.004+08:00

i love mac. i seriously do.

why am i blogging one-liners these days, you ask? well, i blog here sometimes too. perhaps, i'll double-post my entries there over here as well in the future.

week 13, the dreaded week 13, is arriving. cowabunga! lets go!

2008-03-24T23:46:00.000+08:00

a substitute and a shell.

2008-03-18T01:07:00.000+08:00

cheated.

2008-03-10T16:46:00.003+08:00

it's a different kind of conversation....

....in our coke heads

had an interesting conversation just now. something about it makes me cringe and yet laugh because it's just so nonsensical. people are people are people.

_: there's coke?
me, in jest: eh *, hurry pour for me before _ finishes it all!
_: i haven't had dinner the last four days!
me, perplexed: what's that got to do with coke? (and i was seriously wrecking my aching brain)
_, immediately: bla yaddea (some thing along those lines in some strange tongue in an attempt to shut me up)
me, still perplexed, but even more so after the burst of tongues: what's that got to do with drinking coke?
_: bla yaddea chika muka (more tongues followed by the silent treatment)

oh and by the way, this wasn't a conversation between two 5-year-olds. that may have been a little more intelligent. chika muka yalalalalalalalala!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-03-10T02:22:00.003+08:00

caught broken social scene's concert at the esplanade just now. reached pretty late because i was stuck in an insane jam at orchard. jams. gross. ended up sitting alone which was really fine by me because i was aching too much inside out, in every way possible, in every muscle i can think of, the heart included, and even those tiny ones on your eyelids, to do anything else other than sit down and stone. a concert hall full of people jumping up from their seats and screaming sweet nothings to their idols on stage and then there's little miss oldielocks sitting in a corner, giving herself a neck massage. haha.

i wish they played more echoey stuff. i love strings and base. ambient, but not too much. it needs to have soul, and bass gives some soul because of its depth. the trumpets and sax were a nice touch. and the way they used their instruments to do stuff were pretty creative.

a classic line when the lead singer forgot what was the next chord in one of the songs.

"i don't feel bad that i forgot the song. i know you expect me to but i don't feel bad. i'm over it. are you?"

to which the crowd gleefully laps it all up and gives a resounding "of course we're over it" in the form of some kinda...noise.

and another.

"this is not a scary place. don't be afraid, it's not scary...you have those pictures of a man pointing a gun at another man's back (refering to signs in singapore at restricted areas)...hey that's art man!!"

to which the crowd begins to hail him as their guru with another throng of woohoos and whoas and yeas and aaaahs.

but well, as much as i'm trying to sound enthusiastic, i'm actually really tired. and my heart just wasn't completely there. it couldn't really be now, could it?

goodnight anonymous readers of skunkeroonie. god bless you.

2008-02-29T23:02:00.002+08:00

it's a different kind of conversation.....

......your blue room.

excuse the dearth of entries. it happens when i need an escape. i need new experiences to release some epinephrine and norepinephrine a.k.a. happy juice. i need a jolt, an electric shock, a splash into the deep, a boost into the cosmos.

u2's "your blue room" is an amazing song in every sense. it's one of those songs that's hard to get sick of even if you listen to it over and over again. the worse thing i can do is to pick it apart and analyse it.

i wonder, if you manage to pick apart something totally, you'd be left with these little pieces. atomised; electrons, protons, neutrons and is there anything smaller than that? do we know for sure? isn't the beauty in how it all comes together in different combinations? the whole? isn't that what makes you marvel at the tiny details in the first place? that something so glorious emerged from their insignificance?

or look at a human face. we see a perfectly pretty face and try to pick it apart. ok, ugly nose. hmmm, eyes are too small. ok mouth is too big. cheeks a bit chubby? you reduce a perfectly pretty face to a few adjectives about its different parts, forgetting that the whole was in fact beautiful and how every feature came together so perfectly. you forget about the way it touched your heart and jolted your senses.

and here i am analysing what it is to analyse. my life pretty much spirals into a paradox these days. like how i sometimes feel/know i'm living a lie, admitting truthfully that i am, thus in a way, being true and honest with myself. this is all so tripped.

back to my psychology books, the mother of human analysis.

...

2008-02-29T14:22:00.004+08:00

must be the leap year

remember my musings about how art/entertainment imitates life and/or vice-versa? since wednesday, it just went up a notch. strange things have been happening since wednesday.

the head of jemaah islamiah (supposedly a terrorist organisation), mas selamat, escaped from the ISD's whitley road detention centre on wednesday. as i picked up the papers yesterday morning and saw his face there with the accompanying headlines, i was just shocked. how could this happen? apparently, he had asked to go the toilet during a family visit or before and that's when he fled. that sounds too easy. watching too much 24 set my brain ticking, as i tried to play detective figuring out how a high profile criminal like him who poses a big threat to so many people could have escaped so easily? going to the toilet?? hello??! next thing we know, the military, police, airforce, they're all over scouring the roads, coasts, borders, homes, schools on a major manhunt for mas. meanwhile, all the possible plots are flooding my mind. insider job? an excuse to put him down? plain stupidity and carelessness???

i was having lunch just now and looking at my gate and i started to imagine mas running into my house to take refuge. i imagined i was on the stairs looking down and he couldn't see me. i tried to plan what i would do, how i would outsmart him, get him caught. but he must have had alot of training in combat so that would be tricky. i imagined him going to the kitchen and knew that if he got himself a knife, it would be too late. i imagined aunty sitting in her room, oblivious that a man, now armed, was just outside her room. i imagined how i'd save her, how i'd knock him out cold with a vase or something. it's not highly impossible. i imagine that having nowhere to run, it could turn into a hostage situation. but if it's an insider job, there are probably more people involved, planning his whole escape route. watch 24 season 3 if you don't believe me!

then, last night, i was at the park near the main road beside my house. mutu and i were talking when we heard a loud sound. i remember the first thought that ran through my head, "motorcyle!" after a moment's hesitation (we hesitated because it seemed like noone was stopping, there was no shouting, and everyone seemed to be going on with their life normally), we decided to go out and see what it was. when we caught our first glimpse of the road, we saw a man lying flat in the middle of the road, knocked out cold! we walked over to where he was. 3 other people were there, but they were passerbys. noone saw what happened to him. but from what i heard, he was definitely hit. and whoever hit him had scrammed. it was an old man. there was a cut on his left leg and his right elbow was dislocated (it was a horrible sight to see his arm dangling from the elbow!). his newspaper and wallet lay a distance from him. one slipper was still on his right foot or nearby, i forget, and the other one lay some distance away. thank goodness he was still breathing. he looked as though he were sleeping. one of the bystanders smelt his breath and realised he had been drinking himself. someone called for the ambulance and the rest of us stood there not knowing what to do, afraid that by moving him, we might aggravate an unknown injury. just then, a woman came by and started yelling instructions to us. a few of us followed her instructions and carried him to the pavement. the ambulance and police came and by that time, the guy had already woken up. he was struggling and trying to get up from the stretcher! he just wanted to go home!! can you believe this guy? he didnt have an IC or anything with him, not even a phone. and he refused to let us call anyone. well, mervin and i left after the paramedics and police came but i guess the guy is probably ok. i just don't get how you can hit someone and drive off, even after hearing the thud and the screams and watching the person's body squirm on the ground or lay motionless. i wonder how you can live with yourself. or are you "used" to it? i guess i can understand but it really shows some kind of poverty somewhere. fear stinks. it reeks. but i think, nonchalance is worse.

then, there's this dog. he has a collar so i think he belongs to someone around here. but he keeps walking around freely on my lane. this morning, when i was in the bathroom, i heard the dogs in this lane creating a racket! they were howling away and barking. and amidst their howls, i heard the squeaks and yelps of another dog. i ran out of the bathroom to the window, afraid that something bad was happening but i couldn't see where that yelping bark came from. i did see the wandering dog but he seemed to be looking at something in my neighbour's house. when i got back just now, that dog was still outside my neighbour's house!!! it looked like he'd been waiting there the whole time. i asked aunty why he was there and aunty said, he must be waiting for "ginger", the neighbour's dog. but i didn't see ginger anywhere. i've never seen ginger in my life! it's so strange.

i think what makes these 3 separate incidents very strange is that there are so many missing links in these stories, thus enshrouding them in mystery. how did mas escape and where is he now? who hit the old man? why does the old man want to remain anonymous? why was that dog yelping today and why were all the dogs howling? why was the wandering dog stationed outside my neighbour's house for such a long time??? so strange...

update: the wandering dog is ginger's lover. the howling this morning was because they were "at it", through the gate. gosh. haha. and then, the neighbours took ginger inside and ever since then, wandering dog has been sitting there at the gate waiting for his lover the whole day! he's still waiting there!!! sigh.

2008-02-20T00:49:00.002+08:00

thank god i'm finally on my bed. everything's aching like mad i'm getting old it's not funny. some days, even a minute seems too long and you want the whole week to fast forward. then there are some day where even 24 hours is not enough. but i say, if a day was longer than 24 hours, we'd be very tired people, i think. or maybe just me. a very tired old aching person. cultural psych exam on thursday with 6 research papers to digest and pick apart (it's an online exam in class and so i have to look for a laptop with windows!! actually my mac has one but i decided i didn't want to use it anymore and i think i deleted bootcamp.). filming for amazing race asia audition tape, which has to be done by friday because melt is going to climb kinabalu and we'll have no time after that (melt and reenie are trying their luck! will talk more about it after the application deadline. can't let our brilliant ideas leak out to our competitors, can we? we have to get in! i can't stop dreaming about it!!!). video-editting is gonna take forever. and there is cognitive psych exam coming up too. and oh, internship work. and of course, decisions to make and things to plan and you know what, i'm gonna sleep. goodnight!

2008-02-17T01:08:00.004+08:00

building a mystery

i love you.

pause. why?

what do you mean?

pause. why do you love me? (why would you love me?)

i don't know. i just love you.

pause. why?

when i look at you, i just want to love you.

silence. why me? why not anyone else?

pause. why do you love me?

i don't know, i just do.

you see!

when she fell silent, she was already convinced. that was the difference between the pauses and the silences. his one-liners always stunned her; they were always perfectly simple and simply perfect. most importantly, they were from his heart. love uncomplicated itself in his presence. it was just...love. but she never told him so, told him that she believed. she always added an extra "why?" for good measure, to make sure that it wasn't a mistake. she didn't have to. noone could have said it better, something so simple and true.

"when i look at you, i just want to love you."

2008-02-16T02:37:00.004+08:00

till today, i had forgotten how i much i loved long, lonely busrides home at night. till just now, i had forgotten how music can take me away to another place where everything makes sense, where pain is fully acknowledged and experienced but does not sting and does not need to be hidden, where i can celebrate the sacredness of my being and the essence of my soul.

some days, i go to the movies. i pay about $7-9 for a ticket and sit tight for 2.5 hours watching people laugh, cry, fight, make love, lose, win, sleep, eat, drive, hide, die, date, break up, dance, turn into a total mess, lose faith, kill, steal, watch tv, stare into space, pump petrol, dream, sigh, put on make up and comb their hair, only in different combinations. some days, i think, how my life seems to have jumped straight out of a movie, or did movies, as incredible and unrealistic as they seem, jump straight out of life itself? (well, the truman show illustrates this really well) i replay memories in the screen of my mind, which only i can see, these memories that i never dreamt i would one day have, and wonder that maybe, just maybe, people might actually pay $7-9 for this. but noone ever will, because noone will ever know. i wonder, will these memories die with me. these stories, these moments, will they just cease to exist? or did they die the moment they were born?

i attempted to begin writing a script for a movie two days ago after listening to my grandma recount snippets of her life to me. as she spoke, my mind was a giant projector. i added music and colour, visualised the characters, imagined how the scenes would connect between past and present and finally, the inevitable future. it started to look like the epic of the century up there and i was really serious about it. it wouldn't be for money, it would be a tribute to life and death, a tribute to memories, a tribute to humanity and its beauty, a tribute to amama. i didn't know what spurred me then (i don't just go writing scripts on a whim!) but i think it's the sudden desperation to grab all you can of what's left of those moments, and then, the memories, before you lose them forever. it suddenly hits you, you could lose it forever and you think that perhaps, just perhaps, you could just immortalise some part of it.

i should be sleeping. i did something stupid today. like one of those stupid girls in one of those stupid horror movies who stupidly walks straight into trouble and makes you feel like slapping her silly. or one of those stupid girls in one of those stupid chick flicks who can't see what's good infront of her and walks away from it and makes you feel like shaking her silly so she'll wake up her friggin' idea. sigh.

nobody said it was easy,
no one ever said it would be so hard.
oh take me back to the start.

2008-02-02T11:40:00.000+08:00

i need a break. i need to put myself around people who care and are not reckless with my heart. i need to stop being around people whose hearts i'm reckless with, at least until i learn how to stop being reckless with their hearts. i need to take myself out of situations where i have to pretend and end up feeling confused about who i am and utterly empty and alone inside. i definitely need to distance myself from triggers until i learn how to be calm. of course, i'll still have to go to school and meet my boss and get work done and blablubleah, but i will need to be more discerning regarding my socialising and activities.

sometimes, you have this bad feeling about things, but you just do it anyway, and it really turns out bad? some people call it the self-fulfilling prophecy or the workings of the laws of attraction, others call it intuition or gut feeling. well, i think it doesn't matter what it's called. if the feeling is there, i'm going to trust it for now. think about it. if it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, and you feel bad about it thereby causing it to turn out bad, would it change if you felt "good" about it? perhaps. but would you be able to change your mind to feel genuinely good about it. perhaps, with the help of cognitive dissonance or something. but i don't really buy that. if you feel bad about it, you just do, because some part of you is screaming no to it. and if that part is not resolved, it's going to screw everything up thus fulfilling your self-created prophecy. you can apply cognitive dissonance tactics on yourself, but you're just bullshitting yourself really. so the other scenario, gut feeling or intuition. well, if it really is and it really works, what have you got to lose? so i say, no point rushing into things, changing your feelings to suit the occasion instead of dealing with why it's even there (it'll come back with a vengeance!). instead, i will just say no when those bad feelings come and deal with them slowly and steadily. even if it means staying home on a friday night or breaking a daily routine.

i think i'm ready to leave my room today. i don't know how it'll be tomorrow. let's just take on today for now.

2008-01-16T12:19:00.000+08:00

i was on the way to school this morning and the bus was passing this motor parts store along jalan besar (???), the one with the mannequins dressed in motor sportswear standing on top of the roof in poses too cool for school. so here's what tickled me today right. there was this guy (a mannequin) with a really long beard and a really long mustache dressed in his finest qing dynasty gear frozen in a chinese opera stance inviting passerbys to enter the store. then i glanced up on the roof right. and the mannequins who were usually decked in mini skirts and funky jackets were now in their finest chinese new year clothings ready to go to their uncles and aunties to collect their new year hong bao (red packets (money envelopes)). it just cracked me up! then i started wondering about them standing up there rain or shine, and lately, alot of rain. and i was like, oh what a pity! their new year clothes! then i was wondering further, maybe someone goes up on the roof to wear raincoats on them and place umbrellas over them when it rains. or maybe, they are brought in or stripped or i don't know? i wonder if there is a special job for that. hmmm. whatever.

so then, i was sitting on the second deck of the double-decker bus and still looking outside and General Wu Tang was now somewhere far behind when i noticed the outer casing of the red light camera and i don't know why but my first instinct was to check that i had my seatbelt on. the only thing is, buses don't have seatbelts and for a few seconds, i was wondering where i was. have you ever had that feeling of losing the sense of where you are physically? like when you wake up after an afternoon nap and it's evening and the sun is almost down or already gone, and you feel disoriented and puzzled about time and space? or when you sit down and keep still for a while and suddenly you feel like you've floated away from your body? like your arm or leg doesn't belong to you anymore? i don't know, it just happens.

i don't know why but despite all my fellow year 4 friends telling me they don't see people they know around in school very much already, i keep seeing them all the time. however, i feel a strong urge to remain unnoticed, unrecognised, invisible. when i choose a place to sit, i'm hoping it's the most obscure (but comfortable) place. or if i'm walking, i've decreased my range of visibility to like right infront of me, trying not to turn my head left and right too much though i love to look at things. i don't know why. perhaps it's just a phase. perhaps i'm scared that i'm really forgotten, unnoticed, invisible and don't want to know it for sure. it's pretty silly but that's me right now. shireen the recluse. the hermit. the whatever. maybe i should read that exchange manual that OIR sent for students coming back from exchange. i don't know. i think i'll concentrate on finishing this mushroom spaghetti that tastes like phlegm and get down to work. irk.

2008-01-13T17:51:00.000+08:00

talk

i suddenly feel so tired. so tired of small talk. so tired of all talk. talking about internships talking about cute guys and summer scandals and exchange, about injustice and hurt and blame. i'm tired of talking about my problems and dreams, about love about life, about things i know nothing about, about the things of my secret garden as though they were merely weeds to be trampled on, ordinary, meaningless, mere coincidences. tired of talking about why i'm sad, about what makes me happy, about myself, about you, you and you. tired of talking to fill up the space, talking to connect, to belong, to be noticed, to not be alone. man i'm tired of talking about talking. i'm just so. tired. of. talking. what's the point.

it's funny, it really is, how you sound sick, like you've got a cold, when you've lost all drive to talk.

2008-01-10T02:59:00.000+08:00

out to get you

another brilliant song by james. out to get you. check out their live performance on one of their gigs during their last tour. amazing! excuse the glitches and jokes in the first part, just adds to their charm and simplicity. so just plug in your earphones, stick them into your ears, play this video and be blown away, gradually but eventually. mind you, this is just the live performance, raw and uneditted. and i particularly enjoyed watching tim booth (vocals) spinning around and flailing his arms in a trance.

besides that, =).

2008-01-05T14:15:00.000+08:00

bigger than my body

my pinchable cheeks have always been one of my trademarks. "oh hey look at shireen. let's pinch her cheeks yay!" that kinda nonsense. so imagine my joy when mutu (M.P.) tried to pinch my cheeks and realised he couldn't pinch them anymore. hooray for weight loss yay because no matter how heck care you are about your weight, and if you are a girl and not terribly skinny, you can't deny that a tiny grin finds its way onto your face or you get a little light-headed with a sense of victory when someone says, "wow, you've lost a lot of weight ar?" and then, that little modest angel in you goes, "aw, nar.." or "what? you mean i was so fat last time.." and then the complimenter thinks, "man, girls are hard to please!"

so anyway, the point is, my cheeks are once again pinchable!!! shock horror gasp faint!! and my dear mother does not fail to point this out to me by laughing at the roundness of my face in the middle of giving me some instructions for whatever. in fact, a few days ago, i was looking in the mirror and marvelling at my cute little small mouth (also my trademark), only to realise it was cuter and smaller perhaps because my face was rounder! shock horror gasp! take me back to new zealand so that i can grimace at the high prices of restaurant food and washing dishes and survive on a staple diet of tuna sushi and a measly amount of something else which would constitute my two meals a day and a hell lot of walking from anywhere to anywhere you name it! aaargh!

what can i do? christmas, new year, holiday, ice-cream and chocolates, cheap hawker food everywhere, public transport, cars, taxis, oh my! so i tried to almost starve yesterday in my panic and today i helped myself to a nice bowl on ben n jerry's ice cream.

i can't believe i dedicated a whole or half post to food and weight-loss shame on you shireen.

oh bother, school is starting again soon. it makes me think about my days in otago last semester. well, about the days i did actually go for classes and study in the library. i liked it. i loved going to the music lab underground with windows near the top where you could see the feet of people walking by while trying to churn out a piece of music that would rock the instructor's socks off. it was like my secret dungeon, which opened up to a whole other universe once you were in it. i wish i had my own lab like that in my room with maybe just one mac desktop and one keyboard. for that one semester at least, i could do something i really loved without writing essays and whatever and actually be graded for it (with an A by the way!). but who's gonna care right? just me.

when i was on exchange, i actually found a new sense of confidence in myself. besides all the other stuff that comes with the package when you live independently, i was actually doing really well in school without the stress! or if there was stress, it would be the night before a big roadtrip where i was rushing to finish a bunch of essays beforehand so that i could enjoy the roadtrip with no dark clouds looming ahead. the end result, a bunch of As and well, one B+ but hey, all my essays and projects came out with As and A+s. and what's more, i thoroughly enjoyed myself and did almost everything i ever wanted to on my little getaways! and i remember thinking to myself, i am shining over here! i am a nobody but i am shining!

then i got back home, and it meant coming back to the reality of internships and grades and class participation points. pui! so anyway, to my horror, i realised that i would only be able to graduate with a merit, not even a cum laude, no matter how many A+s i get next sem! my grades in otago didn't matter because you only get pass/fail for your exchange credits (which i knew from the start, but wanted to shine, well, just because i could and for myself). and i thought about the hordes of other students who were aiming for their magnas and summas and i recalled my conversations with my career counselor months ago and how discouraged i felt after every session, feeling lousy, not-good-enough, a jack-of-all-trades, mediocre and lackluster. but see, something didn't add up. all my talents, my achievements, my character and personality reduced to one or two pieces of paper and a number? ah, what a waste i thought, what a waste. there's so much more!! way too much!

and so while i go on with life back here in singapore, joining in the crowds in the buses and trains and hunting for internships and preparing for classes and wondering about my future and all that jazz, i'm not entirely what you see. you may see me in the crowds, you may not. i may be invisible and insignificant, my presence just a feather floating from one point to the next. i may be just like any other girl you see, worrying about her weight and her looks, unpredictable and confusing, wearing hoop earrings and flip flops and talking about the most mundane things like the weather and heroes season 2 and whatever. ah, but what you can't see is this.

"Here is my secret. It is very simple: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." (from the little prince) in me lies another universe where i see things in different colours and where possibilities are infinite and where memories carry me far, far away and help me believe in miracles. these thoughts i carry, these things i see, these things i've done, these places i've been to, these emotions i've experienced, there are some things noone can ever understand or experience the way i do and in that loneliness, it is untouched and sacred.

i just need to smile more.

"Bodies. Oh, groan. I've always just wanted to leave this body of mine. What a treat that would be. To be a beam of light, a little comet, jiggling itself loose from these wretched bones. My inner beauty could shine and soar! But no, my body is my test in life."
- Eleanor Rigby by Douglas Coupland

2007-12-24T01:40:00.000+08:00

sometimes, when i look deep in your eyes, i swear i can see your soul

you have to listen to this song by James. papa put the cd in the car and everytime i drive it these days, i play it on repeat. each time i listen to it, i fall in love with it more. and it doesn't help that it's been raining like mad too. and listening to it while driving in the rain and smiling through the tears, it just makes my heart burst. BURST!

and i love how they are all standing so upright and firm and strumming their guitars with a mission in their eyes.

p.s. you really have to listen to it!

There's a storm outside, and the gap between crack and thunder
Crack and thunder, is closing in, is closing in
The rain floods gutters, and makes a great sound on the concrete
On a flat roof, there's a boy leaning against the wall of rain
Aerial held high, calling "come on thunder, come on thunder"

Sometimes, when I look deep in your eyes, I swear I can see your soul
Sometimes, when I look deep in your eyes, I swear I can see your soul

It's a monsoon, and the rain lifts lids off cars
Spinning buses like toys, stripping them to chrome
Across the bay, the waves are turning into something else
Picking up fishing boats and spewing them on the shore

The boy is hit, lit up against the sky, like a sign, like a neon sign
And he crumples, drops into the gutter, cut strings, legs twitching
The flood swells his clothes and delivers him on, delivers him on

Sometimes, when I look deep in your eyes, I swear I can see your soul
Sometimes, when I look deep in your eyes, I swear I can see your soul

There's four new colors in the rainbow
An old man's taking polaroids
But all he captures is endless rain, endless rain, endless rain.
He says listen, takes my head and puts my ear to his
And I swear I can hear the sea

Somtimes, when I look in your eyes I can see your soul
(I can reach your soul)
(I can touch your soul)
Sometimes

- Sometimes by James

2007-12-03T00:01:00.000+08:00

raw

i wonder, no. i know, that i seem to place a lot of importance in pleasing people. it's pretty funny, and maybe even pretty insane.

like take for instance, i was at this retreat from monday to wednesday at the canossian spirituality centre where i happened to pick up a few books from the library about dying. and some other books not about dying as well. took the whole stack and sat outside my room along the balcony/corridor facing the bukit batok nature reserve. the australian priest who stays there comes along as his office is nearby my chosen spot. he asks what book i'm reading and i tell him, "life after death" by raymond moody and he says something about how we should be reading books about and focusing on this life first and it's my response to this that perplexes me. i look like i'm there talking with evelyn and cheryl anne and we've gone on to other subjects and are laughing about other things and the priest has already gone into into his office but in my mind, i'm still stuck on the same one subject. "what's wrong with this book i'm reading? what's wrong with me? does the priest think i'm not very wise? i hate that he thinks i'm foolish. i hate that maybe i've been foolish all this while. i don't want to be foolish. i don't want him to think i'm foolish. i want him to think i'm special. i want him to like me. blablabla."

and then i started thinking, how nonsensical these thoughts are. firstly, i'm shireen. secondly, i'm interested in this dying thing, in those spectacular, intense, scary, beautiful, unpredictable moments separating one life from another and, so what? thirdly, why do i care so much about what this priest thinks about me? i am who i am and i love who i was made to be.

take another example for instance. i was leading praise and worship for session today and i was pretty nervous. i know i prepared and i prayed and i reflected. i know that what i typed out on those pieces of paper was real and genuine and not just plain fluff. then it was time to start. i stood there, looked around at the faces of my friends as i was sharing, praying, leading, and i would see what i thought was a blank face and i'd start thinking about what this person is thinking. "oh, why is she so long-winded? can she just get to the song already? i want to sit down. ok, good try leading, shireen. at least, she tried." and then i'd start thinking, "oh man, am i really lousy at this? do they think all i said is fluff? maybe it is. who i am kidding? it probably is. blablabla."

and then now i think about it. and it's just plain rubbish again. these thoughts. how sad it is that i discount my own experiences and identity because of the fear that others may not like or agree with me. these thoughts get so loud and in-my-face i sometimes get bored and nervous about the sound of my own voice when i'm talking to others.

see, it's not the priest. i have nothing against him. i rather like him, he could be santa if he had a long white beard and snowy locks. it's not my friends who just happened to look the way they do. it's just that i've been like this as far as i can remember. i want to please people. i want people to like me, to say good things about me....but ultimately, it's because i want to know i'm not wrong, that i didn't make the wrong choices, that i'm a good person, that i'm lovable. like, i have to be a certain way to be lovable, to prove to you that i'm lovable. which is just crazy because i know i'm a good person. i know who i am. i know i love who god has made me to be, just the way i am. i know this. and yet, why do i need to prove it to anyone?

i guess i'm beginning to understand why. i grew up like this. i don't blame anyone. but i somehow learnt that to avoid being blamed and hated and shunned and misjudged by the people closest to me, i had to make myself liked by them. because i paid a price when i was disapproved of. i found myself feeling guilty and disgusted with myself when i was disapproved of. maybe it was their words, maybe it was my need to feel loved and accepted, maybe it was their insecurities, maybe it was my need to prove to them i was a good person and they could trust and depend on me, that i wasn't the monster they said i was, that i didn't deserve to be called and labeled all the things they called and labeled me as, maybe i just wanted them not to give up on believing in life and its goodness. alot of maybes. i bent over backwards and bit my lip so many times for it. it ate me up inside. i could handle it though. i was strong. i trusted and believed. i loved.

but these days, every little sign of disapproval or disagreement or lack of interest in me seems to get me feeling edgy and worried, like i failed something. and i'm not so nice about it anymore. i don't just take it in anymore like i used to. initially, i still might, but then i hate patronising people and i hate living in a bubble of untruth. i want to make people pay for it, to show them that they made me feel this way, to make them feel the same way i feel, or just to assure me that i'm still loved. or i just believe what they say about me and fall deeper into my doubts about myself. i'm short on love and high on impatience and anxiety. i'm slow to love but fast to get angry and upset. i show everything opposite of what paul says about love in corinthians. impatient, rude, angry, jealous, insecure, keeps account of wrongdoings, you name it, you got it.

that's not all. i start to feel i've failed and not done my duty as a good person when i see all this suffering around me and can't do anything about it or don't know how to. i feel so disappointed in myself, i feel i don't have a right to be so happy, all these things. it all somehow links with all the misery i inflicted upon myself when others inflicted their own misery on me. i felt i didn't have a right to be so happy then. that if they were miserable, then i should be too. maybe all this, this whole post, it all sounds crazy. but i don't think i'm alone in having thoughts like these. i think we all have them, some of us, more, and some, not so much.

well not every uneasy feeling is bad. sometimes, restlessness is a sign that one needs to be spurred to take action about something important. but i won't talk about that now though some of the uneasiness i feel now is about that too. and some of the uneasiness i feel now also has to do with a whole lot of other stuff as well. but i'll probably never get round to sleeping and just end up with a very bad headache if i try to think it ALL out now...

well, at least now i can put a finger on it more clearly. i don't think i'm spiralling into a black-hole just yet. actually, i think i have been in one for some time (don't need to be surprised, most people never show it). but i guess i'm kinda trying to make my way out and i'm aware i am/was(?) in one. i think i've pretty much become a baby again, in loving, in believing. but i still love, and i still believe. i think i've fallen many steps behind but i know it's not the end, it's not everything and i know it's time to humble myself and take those baby steps. i feel like i am starting from the beginning all over again and progress is slow, oh how i stumble and fall again and again. how i throw my tantrums and become a lump of hopelessness (i'm sorry and thank you for your patience). but i am taking those baby steps determinedly, with thanks and praise in my heart. baby hope, baby faith. but still hope and faith nonetheless. don't let me let go.

2007-11-28T21:31:00.000+08:00

last year, i was working in the same project group with a girl who had cancer. we weren't close at all and i only got to know her because we had to work together and she was in my class for that course. after a while, she started missing classes more and we had to take on some of her project parts, but she never failed to do up her parts and send them to us. she always dressed up and put on make up and she was pretty vocal in class, asking, answering question after question, and this was one girl class participation points wouldn't really have mattered to. she passed away some time this year or last, i no longer recall.

but i suddenly thought about her today and remembered that her msn contact is still on my contact list. how many months days hours has it been since she signed in for the last time? i thought about her and i wondered about her last months days hours since the doctors told her she was going to die. i wondered about the way she received love from her parents friends boyfriend. i wondered about how she loved them. her boyfriend. i wondered about her boyfriend and how he must have really loved her and the pains and the aches they both felt in those last months hours days which nothing could ever alleviate and how they wouldn't trade it for anything because it meant more months hours days seconds nanoseconds with each other. i wondered about how each waking hour appeared to her knowing she was going to die so soon. i wondered at the immensity of the ordeal she would have gone through and how that separated her from us, mere, ordinary students concerned with internships careers success magna cum laudes and how we would never know what it was to be her or her boyfriend or her parents or her brother or sister if she had any, well at least, for most of us. i smiled as i saw her msn nick a cute abbreviation for her name followed by "aka daddy's little girl" and i wondered about that. it's funny, we leave this world but when we do, we leave EVERYTHING behind, even our msn nicknames. traces of our existence strewn across the lives of others, people we met once, people we knew our whole lives, people we never met at all. i also wondered about the rest of my contacts on my contact list, some of whom whose identities now elude me. no, it's not an obsession with the morbid and yes, most of them are probably around my age but seriously, are all those people still alive? and i wonder about random blogs, facebook friendster whatever profiles we come across randomly, and it's just possible that perhaps some of those random ones you come across belong to people who aren't in this world any longer. i don't have a summary a conclusion or a point i'm trying to well, point out. but doesn't all this just make you...wonder?

2007-11-15T16:54:00.000+08:00

there was this thing we did in queenstown called river surfing. you hang on to this board, try to latch on to the downstream current of the whitewater river and off you go! river surfing was pretty challenging for me. i don't know why but i felt paralysed in the flippers and kept getting sucked back into eddy currents. it was so hard to join the main flow of the river. and when i actually did, i would be cruising along just fine like a pro all the way until the guides made us catch an eddy current to wait for the rest. i hated those parts, catching those eddy currents. because 1. it was so hard for me to enter them 2. it was so hard for me to exit from them. by the end of the day, every muscle in my body had gotten a good beating and stayed that way for days.

coming home feels a bit like river surfing. the river is flowing as it should, as it always has been. and you are just thrown back into its flow. and it's a struggle entering into that main flow again. those eddy currents that pull you away. those eddy currents which don't let you come back. you're stuck between those eddy currents and the main flow and it's an agonising state of limbo as you watch your peers cruise by like pros. you try to kick harder but you're kicking wrongly and being pulled back even more.

see, when we look forward to coming home, we most often visualise images from the past and take comfort in them, looking forward to experiencing those moments again. and when we get back, we get a rude shock sometimes. because things change, people change, everything changes. and we find the real picture is vastly different from those we held in memories.

i was hoping for so much. i was holding out for so much.

as i always say, oh. well.

2007-11-02T20:06:00.000+08:00

today's song is dire strait's "so far away". i love it! the starting bassline, the way the chorus comes in, the deep vocals, the instrumentals, the lyrics. it has this really classic, carefree, bittersweet feeling and like new order songs, brings me back to sunday afternoon drives. papa always plays these cds and the music resonates through the speakers straight into my heart. and when i called home just now, he told me that he had another version of eleanor rigby which he would let me hear soon and was listening to currently. i wonder just how many versions there are. i was looking for it on youtube and heard all sorts of versions ranging from pop rock to jazz to heavy metal and techno. amazing.

my last few days in dunedin, today will be my second last and i'll spend it with pravin who'll be touching down in dunedin in approximately 12 hours or so. can't believe it. my life in singapore is like a whole other world and it'll be so strange to have someone cross over from that world into this one. it'll be strange to see him walking the streets of dunedin, sitting in my car, staying in backpackers together. it just feels like it's been forever since i was here and yet, i will be home in about a week or so.

shanny and i were just reflecting today sometime in the middle of our bimbo tai tai escapade (hey it's possible alright!) today that we might be thinking right now about how we wish we had done so many things earlier or more often or both. but we agreed that it was not really about that. the fact is, things always feel different in the last few moments. every moment takes on a different, more brilliant hue. there's a sense of urgency, revelation, intensity, a certain burst of energy and life, and no matter how many times you've touched the mimosas and watch them close as you stroll on the fields on your way home, no matter how many times you've held the hand of the one you love, no matter how many times you've sat at the same spot staring out of your window at the cars and the trees and the clouds and the people each day, these moments will still feel different when you become aware that those moments may be one of the last ones you'll have.

we were also thinking about how the most intense and extreme experiences are necessary in order for life to progress. we might be mothers one day and we might have to experience labour and the pains of childbirth to bring another life into the world some day. i can't imagine it and yet, it's universal. everyone will have to die one day, and what is more extreme than death in this life? just think about it, as insane and intense as these experiences may seem, everyone must and will go through them. you can choose to skydive, you can choose to bungy, but you can't choose to not die, which is way scarier and more thrilling than any other activity you can conjure. and no coward or hero can ever run away from that.

i know i keep getting all emo and blogging about goodbyes and the last moments and life and death. it's just that these moments inspire me the most, they awaken something in me, they teach me so much more, they put music in my heart and paint all sorts of colours i've never seen before but continually fall in love with. and i want to share this with whoever i can. grab hold of these moments, think about the awesomeness and fragility of this beautiful transient existence and what a miracle each day, each breath is. no matter how boring you feel your life is, no matter how sad an existence you think you lead, no matter how hopeless your future may seem, no matter how mundane your days have been, look beyond it all, be thankful for each and every moment you are presently in. (i really believe that a joyful heart is one that is sincerely thankful.) and love like there's no tomorrow. love like your heart is on your fire and you could just explode from it.

well, i haven't been updating much recently and i doubt i might in the near future since i'll be leaving dunedin this sunday for good, after which i will be roadtripping with pravin and shanny. and soon, i'll be back home. people keep asking me, am i sad to leave? i have this to say. i'm happy i was here. i'm happy i'm here. i'm happy i'll be home soon. i don't wish anything different from what is given to me now. in fact, i'm grateful and i trust even more that i don't have to wish things to be different at all, ever, simply because i know that i'm always given what's best for me. love always wants the best for us. and i trust completely in that love. and if i ever forget, which i so often do, please be patient with me and remind me. shake me up and pinch me silly if you have to, just don't ever let me forget.

2007-11-01T21:32:00.000+08:00

all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

the beatle's eleanor rigby has been playing on repeat in my head. i wake up in the morning, walk to school for my pricing exam and i'm singing, "all the lonely people, where do they all belong?" i'm walking around after my paper, waiting to pass henry back his book, i'm singing, " all the lonely people, where do they all belong?" i come home, watch the notebook, clean my car and take a nap. and in my sleep i'm singing, "all the lonely people..yadda yadda.." and then i'm on the way to church and i'm still singing it and so it goes. then after supper at a jap bar after a night of jazz at robert burns, we are about to walk to the car. but i hear a bassline which i can't resist and follow the music as though it has cast an invisible spell on me. a band all dressed in black is playing outside lemon room at the octagon in the crisp, cool, midnight air. the old fogeys here dressed in black leather jackets and jeans holding beer bottles and cigarettes in their hands are a world apart from the old fogeys at robert burns which make you feel like you've just entered a scene from the notebook plus (quite) a couple of years later. up till the next moment, the song is perfect but unrecognisable. i sit on a bench and listen as the lead sings the last few lines of the song which brought me there, "all the lonely people, where do they all belong?"

2007-11-01T11:27:00.000+08:00

continuities

nothing is ever really lost, or can be lost,
no birth, identity, form--no object of the world.
nor life, nor force, nor any visible thing;
appearance must not foil, nor shifted sphere confuse thy brain.
ample are time and space--ample the fields of nature.
the body, sluggish, aged, cold--the embers left from earlier fires,
the light in the eye grown dim, shall duly flame again;
the sun now low in the west rises for mornings and for noons continual;
to frozen clods ever the spring's invisible law returns,
with grass and flowers and summer fruits and corn.

- walt whitman

2007-10-16T11:52:00.000+08:00

everything's been squashed into such a short span of time i almost forgot about toroa's farewell dinner and horse-riding! but fortunately (or unfortunately, because it means another long draggy post), i remembered to attend them. for those not in the know, toroa international house is the residential college where i'm living in over here. i will still be here for another half a month (crap, that's FAST) but we had the farewell now because exams were starting soon, after which, everyone would be gone in their own time. the dinner was yummy albeit too much bready stuff. like the toroa ball, it was photos galore seriously. if you ask me, i would really like to just sit down, enjoy the food and have pretty decent conversations with people i've known and yet to know. however...there's really no point sitting down at your table. everyone is helter-skelter taking photos with everyone and anyone and the food's taking so long to come anyway. so ended up with a whole bunch of photos with a whole bunch of people and i think it wouldn't have made a difference if i super-imposed by face on every one of them. but it's all good i would say. who knows when i'll ever seen these people again?? how transient this life over here is. like the one in jersey last year. in those moments, everything is as real as real gets. but when it's all over, as cliched as it sounds, it feels like a distant dream from another life. yet, there will be those little reminders popping up every once in a while, telling you it was real, telling you never to forget how beautiful life can be and has yet to show itself to be.

and yes, as the picture below states, for old time's sake, the infamous paparazzi shots series...
the following day saw a bunch of us riding horses along deborah bay in dunedin. we had signed up for the hare hill horse treks, hoping it would satiate our lord of the rings fetish. however, it was not as fast-paced and exciting, though relaxing and refreshing nonetheless.

the night before, i was telling shanny how i couldn't wait to meet my horse. and rightly so, because horse-riding isn't just getting onto any horse and riding it just like that. it's about forming a relationship with the horse as well. the experiences with the horses that day reinforced my conviction that animals are so much like humans, with their own idiosyncrasies and habits and expressions. or maybe it's the other way round. i mean, you know how we transfer all our weight onto one leg when we stand sometimes, and kinda lift the other leg so it's toes are only touching the ground? yeap, the horses were doing that. and they would make these funny noises from time to time to clear their throats. and they would nudge you with their noses when they want their face to be scratched. they loved being stroked. some like it on their face or necks. some love being stroked on their bums. and each of the horses have such unique characters as well.

summer was really the cutest if you ask me. she was the smallest horse and of course, went to bavani. they made such a lovely pair, just look at that picture above! summer even had her own hairband, so sweet! my horse was anna, and she was the daughter of gavin's horse, shannon, and the youngest one in the whole lot. she liked banging into other horse's butts and using her head to nudge the owner who got so angry with her after a while. sometimes, she would follow really smartly. sometimes, she got a bit cranky. when all the other horses were busy gorging on grass, she would just stare out into the bay, as though she were in her own world, dreaming. but who knows right?

dias' horse was really funny. from the beginning, dias knew he had found his match. all the other horses were obeying instructions and obediently walked down the slope. dias' horse parted with the rest of us, wandered over to a patch of grass and suddenly walked down a flight of stairs infront of the whole group. everyone was puzzled and deeply amused. this horse, like dias, had to take the road less travelled. snow, that's the name, was one really hungry horse. he couldn't stop eating, while walking, and of course, while resting. at one point of time, during the break, we were given some fruit to feed the horses. snow was busy munching on grass and when the fruit was brought near its mouth, with his mouth still full of grass to the extent that it was sticking out and overflowing from its mouth, it still gobbled up the fruit and went back to munching and munching and munching. reminds me of reno! haha.

speaking of reno, i met a dog there named tigger. just like all the other animals on that farm, he had his own character too. while i was stroking him, he would roll over onto its back with a smile, waiting for me to tickle him. reminded me of reno. he was a very alert dog. when something was coming along the driveway, he would immediately get into alert mode and run to the gate to investigate the situation. if not, he would be smiling and walking from person to person to share his joy and simplicity of being with them.

after all that, attempted to study because my first paper is in two day's time on thursday. 23-24 chapters of abnormal psychology to fit into my meager brain. however, in between, we managed to squeeze out some time for a pot luck and it was nice that everyone managed to attend and everyone actually cooked something! everything tasted really good. sadly, the cake i baked kinda sunk. i have to practice more. need to prove myself when i get back! haha. but look at the amount of food! we actually managed to finished most, if not all. we had shepherd's pie (eugene), pork ribs (leonard), mustard chicken (shanny), baked spinach with cheese (gavin), minced beef and vege stew (dias), fried rice (bavani), pizza and wedges (johnson) and tim tam cappucino chocolate butter cake (shireen).

here's a group shot of us.

during the potluck, i got a phone call from news 93.8 in singapore! haha, it wasn't a surprise. melt set me up for it because she works there now doing her own talk show! anyway, her colleague on edutalk was interviewing singaporean students on exchange and in overseas universities and was looking for people to speak on the show. it was a conference call between the host, jeremy, and another exchange student from SMU, jesse james (who is in mexico, where i really would've loved to go if they had non-business courses offered), and me. it was really nice listening to jesse's experiences, he really speaks well. i think i must have sounded like a rich spoilt kid next to him! haha. anyway, if you're interested, it's on thursday morning and night, 910am and 910pm respectively. and on saturday, 8 something in the morning, i forgot. thanks melt, for giving me my virgin experience of being on air! in accordance with shanny, some part of me will be in singapore even though i'm really here. amazing, isn't it? if you really think about it.

i wanted to say so many things though. like i was sharing with johnson, it's hard. it's hard to give an answer just like that when you're asked point blank "what did you gain?", "what were the highlights?", etc, etc. because the list is endless, believe me. before this, i hardly cook at home, i don't even clean my own bathroom at home or do my own laundry. i don't do chores every weekend, like cleaning the kitchen or vacuuming. i'm doing groceries and accounts as well. i've never pumped petrol on my own at the petrol station. c'mon, i've never been in charge of my own car even. i've tried so many new things without a blink of hesitation which i'll never regret but won't list out now. and oh yea, this is the first time, i've come to a place all alone. i mean, morey's was similar but i had friends beforehand who were there with me and i don't think we did that much chores and it was just different, though a great experience nonetheless. yea, the list is endless. and the thing is, i feel like i'm where i should be because though i never really expected or anticipated most of the things that have come my way throughout this whole experience, they feel like the most normal things in the world to me, like i was ready for them anyway.

then, there were all those things i saw, things i felt, things that inspired me. just stepping out of the laundry room, looking at the green hills beyond, fills me with something good. can you imagine the rest of it all? i could've said so much, but i didn't. especially the most important things. i wanted to thank my parents, my family and all the people who have been supporting me, over here, back in singapore, from all the different parts of the world, but i didn't either. (i wanted to advertise for my car also haha.)

really, each experience is so unique. you have these 4 months, 5 months, so what are you gonna do with it?

oh, oh, there was an earthquake last night. i was sitting on my bed and studying and then felt the whole bed vibrating! i thought i must've been shivering but i was pretty warm and cosy. then i saw the standing light shaking and the water in the water-bottle on my table moving from side to side, like in jurassic park, when the t-rex was approaching. it was so cool! then it stopped. apparently there were 5 after-shocks after that but i was too deep in sleep to notice. mansi did and i asked her why she didn't tell me (c'mon, singapore is so flat and we're never in the thick of action) and she said she wanted to scream and she was so scared the floor would crack open! haha, mansi, mansi! and she was so appalled when i kept saying how cool it was we were experiencing this and she said, "cool? we are going to die!!" faint.

the earth is just so alive here! and johnson thinks it's us leaving a trail of doom and gloom wherever we go. we went to north island, near mount raupehu, and 2 weeks or so later, it erupted. we went to milford sound 2 weekends ago and the earthquake was reported to have occurred 60km off milford sound. johnson predicts that after we go to the glaciers, they'll crack open. let's hope otherwise.

here's a sneak peak at some part of my room. i love beds by the window and i always go for window seats, unless it's too hard to the toilet. and yea, i use 2 thick blankets and it does the trick so yea. my new study spot is on the bed against that pillow against the wall.

and a short reflection before i end. i was sitting in church on sunday, and i was suddenly thinking about my room at home. i had got it refurnished and repainted before i left. i was imagining the day i would be spending time in it again, sleeping on my new bed, playing my keyboard or guitars, staring out of the window from my bed, taking my shower with the new shower head, looking into my cupboard to find clothes to wear. and while i was over here, that room was still waiting for me and there were people preparing it for me. like the contractor who fixed my bathroom shower holder or aunty and the cleaning lady who dusted in once in a while. and people who occasionally slept in there from time to time in the wake of my absence would know it was mine. my period in dunedin was only temporary and i would be going back to that room soon and i just had to find my way home again. and it struck me it was a clear reflection of this life. this whole life on earth, is just one really long roadtrip, longer for some, shorter for others. we travel by different means, through our own unique routes, staying in different places, for some of us, maybe a villa, for some of us, maybe a crowded backpackers. some of us meet new people, grow to love them, but then have to leave them because our routes just diverge. some of us, meet new people, grow to love them, and find that our routes converge till we finally reach home. some of us have experienced more earlier on in our journey than others, and we have to be thankful for this, rather than angry at those who can't and won't understand; they have their own lessons to learn, just as you still have more to come. some of us haven't experienced the same things others have, and we have to be thankful for this, not bitter that we "weren't as lucky," in our own words. ultimately, when we've done and seen and felt and tasted and whatever all that we set out for, we find our way back...home.

i was talking to a friend online and told him that now i had done pretty much everything i wanted to do, i could die happy now. then, i immediately retracted that statement. because no, going home and being with my family and loved ones is also part of this whole travelling thing. just like i know for certain (though nothing is certain), that there is a room definitely waiting for me back in my earthly father's mansion, there is one waiting for me in my heavenly father's mansion and it is being prepared lovingly in the anticipation of my homecoming. and that itself is a clear reminder of where we come from and where we belong.

"there are many rooms in my father's house, and i am going to prepare a place for you. i would not tell you this if it were not so. and after i go and prepare a place for you, i will come back and take you to myself, so that you will be where i am. you know the way that leads to the place where i am going." - john 14:2-4

2007-10-09T17:05:00.000+08:00

johnson the rat's been warning me to update because he's on the verge of drowning the waterbaby. take a chill pill, shireen's been busy!! she blames it on the super-addictive 24 (please don't watch it if you have a life). but she also blames it on her rushing assignments, cooking to fill her perpetually-growling tummy, planning trips as travelling ranks high in priority, chatting because she misses you and you and you, watching a drunk guy try to pick up eugene and dias at the oldest bar in dunedin and oh yea, driving to queenstown to bungy and river-sledge, braving all sorts of climates to pay homage to the incredible milford sound and getting lost in the hugest maze in the world and lying down on benches and boardwalks and rocks against the backdrop of mountains and blue skies under a thin ozone layer where the sun turned her into crisp at wanaka amongst many other things. so give her a break will ya???

(but anyway, there's always shanny's blog!)

it was quite a mad rush as we were leaving for queenstown because i was watching as much of 24 as i could to the last second before we had to leave and i had to go fetch everyone. i'm feeling so lazy i don't feel like posting up every single detail of the trip. so...i'll just talk about a few things.

thursday, 4th oct 2007: dunedin - queenstown

we left for queenstown on thursday evening. in my car were johnson and bavani, the two littles sickies, while shanny and gavin tagged along in dias' car. the drive there was really beautiful and the dark clouds added to the darkly mysterious ambience that enshrouded the route. somehow, the grey skies make the grass greener and the mountains and rocks a bolder grey. there is a certain stillness in the car but you know out there, everything is subject to the whims and fancies of nature. and if i can put a finger on it, that's what i love about new zealand, amongst many other things. people make way for nature. we have to build around it, walk around it, drive around it. those mountains and hills that have existed for thousands of years, the temperamental weather, the raging white waters, the unpredictable and forceful avalanches, the volcanoes who choose to wake from their slumber whenever they feel like...you know what i mean. and i think it's really commendable how kiwis take extra good care of these treasures and try their best to preserve them.

after 4 to 5 hours of driving with a pit-stop at alexandra in between where we had a nice outdoor dinner by the river, we arrived at pinewood lodge in queenstown where we immediately set off from to end up at minus 5, a bar made out of ice. i'm not kidding. everything in the bar was made out of ice except the floor. the seats, the tables, the sculptures, the bar, the glasses. i ordered some peachy thing with vodka served in an ice-glass and it tasted soooo good! it's just funny how we put on these coats, got ushered into the bar (just the 6 of uss and our very own bartender), took alot of photos, tried to dance to some music, crashed our glasses into a bin (that's how we were told to dispose of them) and were out in half an hour. something really strange about that.

i was really tired, having slept at 5am the day before (or rather, the same day, don't ask why) and yet i couldn't recover my sleep debt properly (the story of my sleeping-life for the days to come) because, lets just say, i'm a light sleeper and it takes time for me to knock out.

friday, 5th oct 2007: queenstown - milford sound - queenstown

next morning (friday), we headed off to milford sound, johnson, bavani, shanny and me. the sky looked alright in queenstown but a while later in the midst of our journey, these looming dark clouds greeted us and refused to take a hike, taking a piss on us from time to time. can't say i complained much though. 1. i'm used to getting assaulted by all sorts of weather in just two layers of clothing by now. 2. it made everything alternate between looking like we were in narnia and the lost world and middle earth. at times, it snowed, at times it rained. one moment, we're beside a lake in te anau with moutain ranges as the backdrop. and another, we're on the plains of mosburn where the winds are so strong the branches of trees are perpetually pointed in one direction. and if we're not in those places, we are somewhere in the middle of jungles that make you feel not far from the amazon or between snow-covered fjords with (countless!!) waterfalls trickling down the sides of the steep and unbelievably huge mountains (the expanse is breath-taking i'm not exagerating, it makes you feel sooooo small and overwhelmed, just how i like it) and the threat of avalanches being very real. our guide, big D (i told him i'd remember him as the guide with the best music selection to which he replied that was a really long name), had to stop the coach from time to time to fit on chains and then take them off because the temperamental weather kept changing (i think the weather is like a guy with andropause). being in new zealand is your geography classroom expanded to a billion times its size and talk about hands-on, the world is your lab. you can be a doctor, a farmer, a barber, a housewife, a porn star, but you can't not learn something here and be amazed. you are a part of it and maybe, even at mercy to it. earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, tsunamis, hail, snow storms...the threats are real and can happen anytime because the earth is so alive here, and because of that, more beautiful than ever. how is it that every corner you turn, in the remotest of areas, in your own backyard, that may be the mountains, lakes, sea cliffs, you find a surprise always waiting for you? a part of this earth, a part of life you've never seen before? and even more astounding is the fact that while you only just discovered it, it has been there for generations after generations. your life is just a mere speck compared to its own. and if you find yourself silent in its presence, rightly so you should be as you venerate creation and the creator who makes himself known through it.

if you think i'm meandering from the post, well, meandering is part of the plan here when i travel. the meandering which brings inspiration, thrills the spirit and makes the heart sing, cry, laugh, rage and soar. now, lets meander back to milford sound.

we had to kill one hour at milford sound(what will we do without google and wiki? seriously.) as our ferry was delayed. i was so bored i read every exhibit and looked at every picture at the visitor centre. we had a nice view while waiting though. you never run out of fantastic treats for the eyes over here. because of the dark weather, there were countless of waterfalls once again. after gulping my roll down hungrily, i ventured to the top open-air deck, braving the wind and the occasional rain. i love to stand on the decks of ships, especially in slightly rocky waters; it makes me feel like i'm on an adventure (if you ask me, most of the adventures are in my head but this is how i make my own fun haha). i found a spot for one right in the middle at the front of the ship which even had a space for me to sit and planted myself there for almost the rest of the ride, greeting each new waterfall and cliff and valley head-on. i took countless of photos to capture the moments but looking back, they all look the same but don't feel quite the same. there was a bunch of american tourists hovering near me and they were saying the most ridiculous things which made me laugh ("and on your right is fall 6281" or "and from here on, that fall will be called, 'bob-the-pain-in-the-ass falls'"), but also made me wish that i was on a kayak alone paddling through this misty, mysterious fjord. actually, ever since the day i saw the scene of the man kayaking in milford sound alone on lonely planet months ago, that has been one of my dreams; to do the same. i wonder whether i ever will get that chance to.

another endearing thing about this fjord is that you can find penguins, seals and even dolphins here. the weather was bad though but i think i caught a glimpse of a baby seal or baby dolphin, i will never know.

towards the end, the ferry neared a waterfall on the way back. and we insisted on going as near as possible to it, sacrificing our cameras, our minimal layers of clothing and for some of us, our already poor health to photo-whore. we ended up with a bunch of really misty, wet photos with really drenched and cold people as the subjects.

we slept almost all the way back to queenstown and were welcomed home by a really heartening meal cooked by dias and gavin, god bless you guys!! i remember bursting through the doors, shouting "i love you!!!" to the guys upon seeing the food and then trying to avoid looking at the other guests whose presence i just took notice of after that. cheers to another sleepless night, though i was so tired, i knocked out amidst the uncoordinated symphony at one point.

saturday, 6th oct 2007: queenstown - wanaka

another early start to the day, breakfast more rushed as each day passes, i still don't have the capacity to gulp down hot coffee in a few seconds and with an unwilling heart, emptied the remainder into the sink. dias, johnson and i then proceeded to "the station" to register for our bungy jumps. johnson did the kawarau one alone though i kept trying to persuade him to do the nevis highwire, the highest one in new zealand, with dias and me. he wouldn't budge though, he's a stubborn rat.

the moment we reached the nevis place, i was wondering why the hell i ever signed up. just thinking about it the past few days, weeks was frightening enough, the part between staying and jumping into nothingness. how do you stand on that ledge and keep your eyes open? and then, how do you jump off from it after that, by yourself? we started off by putting on our harnesses and were then carted off in a little cable-car thingy (the scariest one i've ever taken, it's open air which means if u lean too far, u can fall out and that's why we need harnesses to ride in it, and if you move too much in it, it could stop in the middle and it would take alot of effort and according to our guide, $10,000 to come fetch us) to the bungy platform suspended in the middle of two cliffs, 134m over the nevis river below. i can't explain to you the fear i was feeling, just looking down and looking at the ledge i would be jumping off from and looking at the view beyond that ledge. the first person jumped, then the second and everytime they left the ledge, my heart would skip a beat. third person, oh that's me. each penguin step (because of the way our legs were harnessed together) i took to the ledge was accompanied with a rising fear within me. i finally reached it and looked out and was told to look back and smile for some photos (yes, when my feet are at the tip of this ledge, i don't know how i managed to smile even). "1, 2, go!" and i jumped and i screamed like i probably never have, my arms outstretched, my eyes looking forward and suddenly i was going down, down, down and the screaming stopped to give way for silence as the realisation hit me, i did it. and as i bounced around at the bottom, i was smiling to myself like a crazy goon. as they pulled me back up, i just sat on my harness and took a look around, reveling at the fact that i did it, reveling at hanging there alone, reveling at the raindrops falling in slow motion (they really look different from there). and then i was up and when i was able to put my feet onto the platform, i realised my legs were totally shaking. was it because of the cold? was it because of the intensity of the moments before? i don't know. but how apt that during the whole time, there was a full rainbow just infront of us. rainbows are like free here, just like the mountains and the rivers; you don't need to go looking for them.

dias jumped last. you know him, he craves challenge, adventure, thrills, anything that forces him to the extremes. here i am thinking about how i'm ever gonna jump off that ledge and there he is thinking about what to shout on the way down (he decided to shout "yee-ha") and what actions to do (when he jumped of the aukland tower, he looked like a frog swimming in the sky). there were 6 of us that morning, 5 jumpers and 1 spectator. it was a nice, cosy group and everyone was really supportive of each other. we took a photo together to mark this short journey together.

you can watch the video here! i look genuinely afraid and and at one point, i'm walking like a cross between a geisha and a penguin! and turn down your speakers! don't say i didn't warn you.

by the time we got back to queenstown, i was starving (i'm always hungry these days, even now!). johnson recounted to us his amusing bungy experience as we headed to fernburger (he claims he loves me, he as in fernburger la, not johnson the mean rat) where i gobbled down the hugest burger i've ever eaten. tried venison, never really tried it before. tasted quite good, and the thai sweet chilli sauce probably contributed to its yumminess. they called it "sweet bambi". we finally met up with the rest of them who went for a long morning hike to the gondolas and dias, shanny, gavin and i headed off for river-sledging while bavani and johnson went jet-boating.

river-sledging gave me the workout of my life, and we did it twice. i totally sucked i tell you. i just couldn't get the hang of swimming in flippers and ended up looking like a dysfunctional frog most of the time, totally unglam. because of the weird eddy currents and whatever other currents, i kept being sucked away into places i didn't wanna be in and the guides had to keep swimming over to save me. my crazy kicking (dias couldn't understand why i was kicking so hard and fast haha) didn't help either and kept pulling me back instead. i take my hat off to the guides, their fitness level and skills in tackling those currents and saving my life and others at the same time, impeccable. i think i'll never do this again, at least until i know how to swim well with flippers. gavin claims he drank 2 litres of water. dias was like a happy frog. shanny was like a towel in tumble-dry. as i told shanny, this was a day of many firsts for me. bungy, river sledging, drinking hot orange juice (which tasted good surprisingly and helped to warm us down) and going commando style teeheehee. i don't mean to sound kinky but it's become so normal to do everything in public now. pee outdoors, change outdoors, you really get the hang of living it wild here. i love it. and i don't feel so conscious anymore, at least not conscious enough to retard my experiences.

after a quick illegal shower, we headed off for some heavenly hot chocolate. i had the dark chocolate one. someone had lavender, i think dias. i felt like i was drinking aromatherapy. go there if you want to drink delicious water.

random picture in queenstown. no matter how random, there's always a good view to boot! not just the subject in the photo la! focus! haha. ;)

isn't this picture so goondoo?? i love it! good job, bav!!

we finally headed off to wanaka, and by then i was so exhausted. johnson drove and i just relaxed and enjoyed the amazing view on the way and serenaded bav and johnson together with my ipod. it was really an amazing drive there. the good views are just for free. you can pee while looking at them, have a sandwich and look at them, randomly stop somewhere for a drink and you'll still see them. as long as your eyes are open. we finally reached wanaka where we had an amazing dinner at a seafood restaurant. thinking about it now makes me hungry all over again. dias, johnson and i shared the seafood platter for two. it was more than enough and i was a very happy girl. shanny had the most interesting looking dish. a special thank you to johnson and bavani for helping me to locate a church to go for mass the next day. i had the most amazing sleep that night (just us three girls and the amazing sound of silence amidst the pouring rain) albeit a bit too short.

dias' car peeps. shanny, dias, gavin.

my car kakis till wanaka. johnson, shireen, bavani. (johnson, beware!)

sunday, 7th oct 2007: wanaka - dunedin

managed to wake up for mass. in my really tired state, it was still great being there. the eucharist on my left, the lake wanaka and the mountains on my right. met up with the others at i-site and we really had no idea what to do because it was too windy for water activities. we decided to head off first to puzzling world. we started off by going through this giant maze. something about the new zealand sun, it's just too piercing. it doesnt make you sweat but the ozone layer is really thin here, literally. this, coupled with the fact that i was starving, and also coupled with the fact that i was roaming around in that maze for the longest time ( must have walked like hell), i was knackered by the end of it. we proceeded inside for more puzzling discoveries and i was most amazed by the mirrors room where you felt you were falling uphill and the laws of gravity were broken. far from it really, gravity was working just as it should. illusions were as well.

after a really puzzling morning, we headed off for lunch. we chose to sit outside braving wind and sun under perfectly blue skies. i gobbled down my baked potato and bacon and milkshake and we went wandering around, still unsure about what to do. i just knew i wanted to sleep. badly. by then, i was feeling sooooo exhausted and dehydrated. i don't know why. but we ended up taking a looong walk by the lake. whenever we stopped, i promptly sought out a place to take a power nap on. the water looked so shioook i tell you. i wish i could have jumped in, so clear and inviting. i watched a documentary where the host was invited to drink the water straight from lake wanaka because it was sooo clean. i didn't get a chance to though. i didn't wanna drink the water nearer the shore. chicken, chicken. whatever. haha.

after that, because there really wasn't much else to do, shanny and i proceeded back to dunedin while the others headed on to fox glaciers. we didn't make one stop and ended up in dunedin by 745, making a bee-line straight for japanese food at minami where i struggled very hungrily with a very bony fish. i knocked out that night. it was all good. next up, horse-riding, taieri gorge trainride and catlins! but for now, it's back to the books, if the serials don't swallow me up first.

papa, mama, don't worry, i'm finishing my assignments on time and studying! =p jeevan, study hard, you can do it! i know it! aunty, can't wait to eat your mee goreng! pravin, looking forward to our roadtrip as well!! love you guys! =)

2007-09-22T14:00:00.000+08:00

waterbaby!

finally woke up in time for farmers market after about 3 months of trying to! reminded me of a church fun-fair where everyone knows everyone and these little tents are set up for the different stalls and you can buy a pork roll and a coffee and sit at a table and have breakfast or walk around and browse the wares or listen to buskers (the coffee shop aunty was clearly showing her irritation with the boy playing the same songs on his trumpter or clarinet (i forget) over and over again (haha can you imagine calling a kiwi a coffeeshop aunty? but she was selling coffee...shrug)).

i didn't buy a single thing to bring home, only stuff to gorge my mouth with on the spot.

and because i woke up so early, i didn't know what to do for the rest of the day. walk? but it was getting cloudy and cold. then i thought about swimming and starting searching the net and decided to head down to the moana swimming complex, mostly because it had waterslides, followed by jacuzzis. waterfalls, rapids, wave pools and whatnot. all restless and agitated and determined not to wait (i'm not gonna wait anymore), i put on my swimming costume and hopped in the car and drove down to the place. it was quite expensive to get the swim and slides package..$9. but i did it anyway! after asking the lady whether i was too big for the slides and getting a negative. woohoo!

the laps pool looked half the length of a normal pool or maybe a bit less, so i told myself that if i didn't finish 40 laps, there'd be no waterslides for me. finally cleared them all and went to get a massage in the jacuzzi before heading off to the slides. fun! despite the fact that water suddenly shoots up through your nose and knocks you out in certain parts of the slide. and despite the fact that there were all these little kids slightly taller than my knee-level scurrying up to the slides and sliding down like 3 at a time.

went to the rapids too. and the wave pool where everyone just bounced ridiculously, riding the waves. and the waterfalls. i was happily sitting under one of the waterfalls and these itchy-finger kids just kept coming every once in a while and adjusting the pressure of my waterfall and turning it on and off. it was quite annoying but then who was i to say anything? i was in their territory!! lol.

on the way back after my swim, saw some pretty interesting places along the route and realised just how much i haven't been discovering. shireen, you have a car! do what you love to do when you have a car! drive! explore! while you can!

my eyes are all red and tired now. swam without goggles. can someone at home reading this please check whether they're still hanging behind my bathroom door?? if not, they must be somewhere in my room in haka.

going for the south pacific christianity conference now at elim. just heard about it half an hour ago from kevin so i'll be heading down with some of them later. don't really know what i'm going for! haha.

enjoying my freedom while i can, hence i'm trying not to keep stagnant too much. out!

2007-09-21T13:50:00.000+08:00

i've seen and done some crazy things but i think this takes the cake.

i was taking my shower this morning, sometime near noon i think. i heard a really really loud sound and i thought to myself, wow that's really loud thunder. and after a while, wow, really long thunder and simultaneously, hey there's no thunder in new zealand (i haven't heard thunder once since i arrived) and then, hey why did the thunder cause the cars to horn so crazily?? and why does the horn sound like it was coming from right outside my bathroom?? and then i turned off the shower for a while, and then i thought, i better get out of here! and turned on the shower again to wash off all the soap on me, wrapped myself in a towel and ran out where i saw winnie running towards me telling me a car had crashed. no, not infront of our house, but behind! in that 2m-wide alleyway! we walk to the kitchen window (mind you i'm still dripping wet in a towel) and see these 2 guys (or was it one? i only saw the driver) staring at us from behind their cracked windscreen, airbags all puffed up. they were alright after all that, the airbags saved their lives man!

what are the chances of that happening man?? the car had turned in to the driveway one level above us (the street is sloped), went out of control and spun left towards the fence, crashed into it and plunged down straight outside our kitchen, caught between the wall and our house. i mean, just look at this. yes, the picture is the right way up.

the place started getting crowded and everyone was out in their pyjamas and it felt like a saturday morning. yes, 12pm on a friday and everyone's still in pyjamas with that just-got-out-of-bed-what-the look. soon, the ambulance, fire-engines, police-cars, tow-trucks and reporters were at the scene. everyone had their own version of the story to tell. we all know mine now and how if it had crashed any further, the drivers might have gotten a mini free show of a hysterical girl in a shower! haha.

and then there was mykhail from the flat above who woke up, and then went back to sleep!!

and caesar was on his laptop and felt everything shake and probably thought it was an earthquake.

and the girls in bavani's flat were cooking when they watched open-mouthed as the whole scene unfolded in slow-motion in front of them.

and vani, she was supposed to meet the guys in the car at night n' day (a convenience store outside toroa) and wondered why there were not there yet. she walked back up and imagine her shock when she saw the car in that state! apparently, those guys had been watching cricket till 6am and were damn hero driving around on pure adrenaline since they had no food in their stomach and no sleep to boot!

funny how it said "angel with attitude" below the license plate number! funny how a whole big bunch of indians suddenly turned up at the scene and were making the most noise (the driver was indian).

oh and mansi just came in my room and she was telling me the driver was actually sitting next to us during indian cultural night but i couldn't recognise him because he was in a dhoti and looked like a 50-year-old man that night haha.

we had to be evacuated from our flat when they were towing the car out just in case it came crashing back into our flat again. so, this was some footage taken outside our flat while waiting.

crazy.

2007-09-19T17:25:00.000+08:00

day 8 & day 9, 31st august - 1st sep 2007: waitomo to new plymouth to wellington, jump around! jump around!

so the memories are getting more and more dissolved with each day i procrastinate. and i'm not happy i had to bathe in cold water just now! what's up with that!

we started the day with QUADBIKING!! oh my gosh it's so fun! mervin prakash you would love this! again we had to dress up like bob the builder without the wet suits this time oh thank god i would rather have frozen to death than wear those again!

we quadbiked up and down hills, revving especially in the mud puddles. i stopped doing that after some time cos i realised that a hell lot of smoke came out from my bike everytime i did it and i think the mud flew up to my face once!

oh you should have seen the faces of those sheep and cows. a little lamb saw us approaching and started crying hysterically, struggling to get up on its feeble legs. there was this moment where we stopped next to a herd of cows. and you should have seen them, all standing in a line, all in a different colours. but most of all you should have seen their faces. they were staring at us so carefully, negotiating their next move. i purposely revved my engine and approached a little closer and each time i did it, they moved back a few steps, still looking cautiously at the bunch of us. i think animals are so human-like sometimes. reno was. or maybe, it's the other way round huh?

after taking a good bath in the mud, we finally headed off for lunch in the next town and then proceeded on to new plymouth, where you can find the 2518m volcano named mt taranaki. did you know....

...that the last samurai had scenes filmed here because it was found to resemble mt fuji in japan? yes ladies, tom cruise was here. not that i care really. haha.

i think my favourite part about this leg of the journey was the spontaneity that came along with it, though that really was the case for most of the trip. you see, we stopped at some little town for a toilet break and next thing i know, we're all on the see-saws, slides, and whatever our big bums could fit. after laughing alot, as we did throughout the trip, we headed on to new plymouth.

at our holiday park at new plymouth, there was a trampoline. and ladies and gentlemen, nothing compares to the thrill of bouncing on a trampoline and laughing till you could die of it. we were like little kids, bouncing and bouncing and bouncing. we couldn't stop.

but we had to...to catch the sunset. nothing beats that either, watching the last few waking seconds of the sun for the day. just like watching a shooting star, you know you're witnessing the last few seconds of its glorious existence.

the picture at the top of my blog right now was taken at the beach in new plymouth where we went to witness the sunset. we saw people parasailing into the sunset and i thought they were giant kites at first and got so excited i started running to the beach, not without slipping down a hill first. only gavin saw that..haha. gavin (high-pitched voice), where are you??

anyway i got so excited because believe it or not, in my 22 years of existence, i've never flown a kite. attempted once unsuccessfully, just got my slippers stuck in mud. and i really wanted to fly a kite before i left singapore. it was on my list of unfinished business. and then as i was getting serious about it and asking around about where to get kites from, pravin told me that he had just watched a documentary that new zealand was one of the kite-flying capitals of the world. yea right! i haven't seen a kite flown once here since i arrived!!!

so we got back to the holiday park and i just felt that we couldn't waste a second not playing ping pong (it's been a while!!) or bouncing on the trampoline. so while waiting for leonard and gavin (high-pitched voice) to prepare dinner, we played table tennis in KING fashion. i was queen for a while and then we started taking turns haha. reminded me of the times i played with my family. we take king very seriously. this coming from a family who has bowling championships amongst ourselves and trophies to boot! when we got tired, we went off to bounce on the trampoline some more in the dark. we made dias take out all his light gizmos. you should have seen him wearing his headlight and bouncing. totally blinded me and i got so disoriented i kept falling!

next morning, we woke up, we went to bounce somemore. but before everyone came, i managed to get it alone and bounced and bounced and bounced to my heart's content with noone to disrupt my momentum and make my knees buckle and cause me to sink down again! and boy did i jump! and when i got tired i fell again and lay on my back as i watched the clouds whiz by above me, or was it me whizzing by? as i lay there with the wind caressing my face that saturday morning, it was the most perfect feeling in the world. of course, the rest of the kids came along and we had fun too. i wish i could show you the video. it's crazy!! haha.

we had to leave eventually. and after visiting the visitor centre where dias, gavin and i wondered into a theatre with glowing seats which changed colours, we headed off to climb mount taranaki!

yes, yes, sounds impressive but we just did like a 2 hour trek. with alot of uphill oh gosh. we finally reached wherever we were supposed to reach and took some crazy photos and went back down again. haha. i make i sound so exciting right? c'mon, it would have been way more exciting if the volcano was erupting or smoking or something!

after that, it was a long, long drive to wellington. the joke of the day (as usual) was bavani for thinking that we were still somewhere at palmerston north when the signs all around showed we were clearly in wellington. ah, bavani. so anyway, upon checking in, we finally settled at a moroccan restaurant for dinner. i was actually quite insistent on it because the signs outside promised belly-dancing! little did i think WE would be the ones belly-dancing. oh i saw sides of these people i've never seen before. oh gosh. should i be mean and upload all the videos? i shall! cya! don't wanna be ya!