i've been sleeping pretty much the whole day. was awake for maybe like 4 hours and the rest was spent drifting in and out of sleep. i don't know why i'm so tired. maybe it's the hangover from last night. but i don't think i drank so much, did i? i overslept bigtime and missed my jc class reunion. my head still hurts and my jaws are aching and my left shoulder needs a good massage. was i wrestling yokozuna in my sleep or what??

"come waste your time with me...."

that song (waste) by phish is stuck in my head and i can't, for the life of me, get it out!!

i'm so glad i told the truth. the truth really sets us free and love delights in truth. i feel more free than i've felt in a long time. i still think about alot of stuff but not in a way that entraps me anymore. i feel as though my heart can finally fly for the first time in a long time. the cage was always open. i just never knew i could fly away..ain't that always the case?

so once again, the night is an open slate. i love this open space. the loneliness and the quiet seem almost sacred. where shall i go? what shall i do?

you can take away anything you want from me. you can take away my clothes, my money, my heart sometimes. but you can never take away my self-worth. i will always have that. i will always be a child of god. i will always be who i am inside, where god lives in me and where he is the only constant. he lives in my middle and this is why i have purpose and truth and love, just like all else.

i think wisdom is wisdom only if it is rooted in love. on sunday evening, jeevan (my brother) seemed to have been transformed right there in front of me, or maybe, my eyes were being opened. or both. either way, god was making his power known to us through love that evening and as i sat there listening to my brother because there was nothing else i could do but listen, i was in awe of how love had transformed him and made him wise beyond his years. and i was humbled at once, realising how much i didn't know.

it's a really long story. jeremy said he should film a video of my family but as i told him, i think the most beautiful moments in life are usually never really caught on video. like the time i was in thailand, diving into the waterfall. or the time i was dangling my legs over the edge of the boat as the waves splashed below my feet. or like the time i was flying to italy and saw the most stars i had ever seen in my life. or the times when i cycled or jogged to my secret river (which isn't really a secret). and those times when i take reno for walks in the nights, singing to the stars. or those times at night when it is all quiet and i am just about to sleep and i look out of the window and see the most beautiful moonrise...and especially those times in life when you are with certain people and there is that spark or connection and your heart bursts, and those times of deep prayer and that mysterious but magical connection with god...noone can ever get those on tape. we could try but we wouldn't get too far and too near the experience. and those are the moments i will always try to remember and carry in my heart.

was chatting with a friend whom i hadn't spoken to for a while and he was saying how some of the things which feel so natural can feel so wrong and forbidden. and i told him i understood because that's how i'm starting to feel. but i don't say this with a heavy heart. i say it with a confused one. i keep telling myself the door is closed and it's all over and there is no chance. but why do i feel that the opposite is happening? like the gate has been unlocked but the door is still shut tightly except that once i knew it was locked but now i'm not so sure anymore. maybe the opposite really is happening but i know that it probably won't get far because i've been building my walls by the minute. and as what i thought would never happen seems to be happening, i'm further reinforcing the walls. because i don't even dare think about what i'm tempted to think. i don't read so much into anything, or even at all. like i've learnt how to put it all aside. but that small little voice whispering in me...it's starting to become more than a whisper...not sure what all this means. so that's all i'm gonna say about it for now.

phaemie, you probably know what i mean. can't wait..