don't laugh. i mean it. according to yesterday's post, i should be in dubai by now, probably. so can someone tell me why i'm sitting on my bed at home in our not-very-sunny-nowadays island of singapore???

ok i'll tell you.

yesterday morning, i woke up and glanced at my handphone to read an sms from mervin asking what the transport plans to the airport at night were gonna be like. so i called up my mom..

me: mom, how are we going tonight?
mama: where are we going tonight?
me: what do you mean "where are we going tonight"?? aren't we flying off later??
mama: no lar, tomorrow night lar!
me: what! no 21st 1am right??
mama: ok now you're making me worried. go check the tickets...

little miss not-so-smarty pants shireen got the wrong date. but let me give you a prelude. yesterday morning, when i woke up, the first thing i did as i always do was to look at the clock on the wall. and it showed 1240!! i was extremely puzzled because i couldn't figure how i could've slept that long and was trying to figure out whether i had woken up in between to go back to sleep. worse, i was panicking because i really really believed i was leaving that night and there was tons to do now. that's when i checked my phone to read my smses and saw something else that puzzled me even further. my phone clock showed 930am! it took me a while to try to figure out which timezone i was currently in and was relieved that it really was 930am. it's like time had turned back 3 hours for me.

and so, when i found out that we were really leaving the next day (which is tonight as i type this), i was even more relieved. it's like a doctor telling you today is your last day to live and then you are given another day more to live! haha. i was immediately reminded of veronika in veronika decides to die. the doctor told her she was going to die (when she was perfectly ok) and even gave her a timeframe. such that each day after she passed that timeframe, she couldn't believe she was still alive and lived and rejoiced as though she was going to die the next day. and funny that i just blogged what i did last night as well. and here i was now, with all the time in the world (ok just one more day) to do all my "last things" without the panicky "last things" feeling.

i got to visit uncle ishu, get my pedicure and hair treatment, go for mass, have a nice dinner and evening with mervin (especially after my foul mood last night)...

i even had time to go see jeremy and joyce off at the airport.


i didn't have a chance to see them before that. and they're gonna be away for soooooo long!!! so, seriously, thank god for the extra day!

you'd think that at 1130pm, time would no longer play mid-december-fool jokes on me. but noooooooooo, you are sooooooooo wrong. so there i was with mervin, just talking and enjoying the seabreeze, and i remember glancing at my watch and realising it was only 1130pm. ok, i thought. quite a while passed and decided it was time to look at the watch again. mervin said something about it coming close to 1210am. i was kinda puzzled again because my watch read 1130. i didn't know what to make of it. i mean, how many times in a day??? what were You trying to tell me??

i guess Time was your gift to me yesterday. i mean, it's your gift to me everyday, but even more so yesterday. and i remember, yesterday, as i was hailing a cab by the side of the road, the thought crossed my mind that it was really so easy for me to throw my days away procrastinating. and i was thinking, if god had given me one more day to live, it would really be so easy for me to give up when something takes too much effort and then make up a really solid excuse for it. and seriously, what a sad waste that would be.

and it's funny i say "if god had given me one more day to live". because, what am i thinking?? everyday i wake up, god IS giving me one more day to live. so what am i doing with my life??

head knowledge. head knowledge. i need all this to singe my heart.

(wednesday 1am, actually)

i wonder, if everyone were to blog about goodbyes, would it all read the same? would we all write about how everything seems brighter, bigger, happier, sadder...? would we talk about all the "last times", last breakfast, last walk to the grocery store, last kiss, last bus ride, last swim, last....whatever? would we all talk about the things our hearts left behind and the things they now carry forward? i figure it would all sound the same, especially at that "final goodbye".

please excuse me. reading about z's last days on exchange, recollecting my own in wildwood, jeremy and joyce leaving tomorrow, fanglong leaving next month, me leaving tomorrow night (only for 2 weeks lar), people dying...it all just, you know, makes me wonder...

on another note, it has been raining incessantly! and now, there's this hole in my ceiling and the rain has sneakily found its way there. and THROUGH there. i realised putting a pail underneath would be pretty futile because the water splashes in all directions once it gets through that hole. so, little miss smarty pants shireen decided to put a plastic bag right under the hole, with the help of jeevan MUTTON-NI!


here's a close-up of the ingenius contraption.


a blue plastic bag and a whole army of wristbands from moreys piers. god only knows how useful those things were.


and we can only hope that as i sleep tonight, the bag will not come loose and release a torrent of cold rainwater onto my face. tonight, the wristbands of morey's will be put to the test. yes, tonight, we will see.

alright, time to sleep. think i should be able to blog from the states. pravin, be good. i'll miss you. seriously.

you wait for this day for the longest time, enduring 15 weeks of hell just to get there. and when it finally comes, you're left clueless about what to do with it. maybe it's because there's so much you want to do, and you don't know where to start. maybe it's because there's so much you suddenly have to do, and you don't want to start. or maybe it's because you finally get to spend time with who you love, but it seems like the world has got other plans up its sleeve.

are you telling me something, god? so, what's the plan?

Howard Hughes: Does that look clean to you?
Ava Gardner: Nothing's clean, Howard. But we do our best, right?
(from The Aviator)

friends and family still backstab each other, masking their devious intentions with sugary smiles. man and wife still hurt each other for years, each too proud and/or too afraid to apologise and give in. the children still sleep in though the sun has risen 3 hours ago. a strawberry falls to the floor but it's the last one left and the 3-second rule is evoked. girl falls in love with a boy and gives her whole heart to him only to have it returned in a mushy mess. the world around you is obsessed with superficiality while all you want is an ounce of truth. you slog your way through a project, an assignment, an exam and even when you are handing it in, you shake your head sadly at its lack of excellence. so should we bubblewrap our hearts and our minds? should we live in despair, struggling in the hollow, suffocating gap between dreams and reality?

are there little perfectionists in each one of us in some area of our lives where even a little imperfection is intolerable? areas which we struggle so hard to protect that we don't give others or even ourselves room to breathe? nothing's clean and that's the law of nature. a baby is born a rightful mess. it doesn't come into the world smelling like johnson's baby bath all wrapped up in warm towels. the amazon does not look like the botanical gardens with trimmed lawns and neatly arranged orchids. the clouds don't have taps to hold the water back when they are full. a downpour is released whenever, wherever, on whoever and whatever they please.

in this world, there is no perfect beauty, perfect intelligence, perfect hair, perfect painter, perfect song because perfection is not just the best, it is something that is infinite. and if infinity is not governed by concepts or walls, then all things perfect are infinite and thus one. only one is perfect, the source of creation. and creation is but the offspring of love. and if the source is infinite, then it is love that is infinite and who is that love but god who gives of himself in every creation?

nothing's clean. so what? even the most perfect unblemished one chose to dwell amongst the unclean. because perfect love makes no such distinction, and if perfection is to be strived for, then it should be love that is strived for.

hey, nothing's clean, but we try our best right?

witchi-tai-to, gim-mie-rah
whoa-rah-nee-ko, whoa-rah-nee-ko,
hey-ney, hey-ney, no-wah

water spirit feeling springin' round my head
makes me feel glad i'm not dead.

my exams will begin in slightly more than 12 hours. and yet i can't help but recall how beautiful this sunday was. i know i told mervin that i was tired and it seems like all i do is run around on sundays. what happened to sunday afternoon siestas? but thinking back now and running through the snapshots in my mind of the day gone by, i'm happy. from the moment i woke up this morning to the time i went to bed (i'm typing this from my bed now), all i've done is spend time with people i love. here are some of the scenes that were etched in my heart throughout the day...

after morning mass, we headed over to my grandma's house to celebrate grandparent's day (pravin says its another excuse for hallmark to make money) and the twin's birthday (a very early celebration).

godmama eileen with her beautiful new-born baby girl, sarah-ann, in a deep, peaceful sleep. babies, the smallest, most fragile things...yet, kings and queens amongst us, served hand and foot, dawn till dusk, and dusk till dawn...

lil samuel marching around in my grandma's slippers like some very important person with a very important mission. like? he is!

some kinda jamming session going on. the father-and-son pair (jodhi and samuel) and raj attempt to wow us with their impromptu "emo" ruckus...

the ladies (my aunt on the left and my mom on the right) busy serving us cake. women; always the ones to get things going around here. haha.

my uncle, joe. he's the man. you can't help but smile (or laugh till you tear) listening to the funny things he does without even intending to be funny.

my grandma (amama). they made me do my emo thing today (refer to "shireen is emo" link on sidebar) and amama got a shock. she thought that i was really crying (i was actually acting all "emo" over some chocolate cake nonsense (i couldn't think of anything better to talk about on the spot) which i shan't bother to elaborate now). we had a good laugh about that.

we also celebrated the twin's 25th birthday. little samuel helped to blow the candles off. didn't we all just love to do that like it was the most important thing in the world when we were young? haha. i still do.

so after amama's, it was off to mervin's for my usual sunday afternoon visit. the only photo i took with him just now turned out like this...

i smiled too big and showed off my chubby cheeks. he looked like he was preparing to eat me up or something. well, whatever. haha. where does all that time go when i'm with you???

next up was sheryl's birthday party...on a boat! haha. she wanted to share with us one of the things she loved most, the experience of being out at sea. see, the day still went on. obviously no studying was done today.

so here's sheryl. 21, at last. she's making a wish that all those who came even though they had exams the next day would get A+ for all their papers this week (that's what she claims).

here's a group shot of all of us. well, i didn't really know anyone before i got on that boat. but somehow, we had a lovely time and some interesting conversations. food was great too! see, i look like i'm ready to pounce on the cake even.

one of my oldest, and best, friends. look, we're even coordinated in our dressing without planning to be. i've done some really adventurous and exciting things with sheryl in the course of my life since i met her. i love her!

here's a tired but excited shireen, steering back to shore (i just wanted to pose with it but the captain/chef ordered me to turn it to park the boat seeing that i was already there and in the way of his job. one of my dreams came through, alas, for a few seconds).

the day began with a prayer. dear god, the day looks long and tiring but i praise and thank you for it and i know you'll bring me through and make it all good. good? it was more than great! just before diving into the heat of exams, i'm reminded of the most important things in life. i don't want to forget.

we really should have a proper closure for melt and reenie go to wildwood. i mean, if we ever go back there. then we can have another blog entitled, "melt and reenie go to wildwood again" or something like that. soon, soon.

i was eating my dinner just now, a pretty late one, and i was watching this show on channel 5 after the news. it was talking about near death experiences. it's funny because there i saw father mike sitaram and dr. ang yong guan, amongst others. one catholic priest, one buddhist monk, one muslim cleric and one psychiatrist. dr. ang yong guan exlained near death experiences by describing the functions of each of the 3 parts of the brain and what happens when we are in a state of unconsciousness in near death experiences. the muslim cleric talked about divine intervention. the buddhist monk talked about karma and how near death experience is still not yet death. father mike talked about how he kept having dreams about playing basketball though he never did much in real life. dr. ang pointed out a freudian slip and they laughed. what do you do? what if you thought you saw heaven and it was not? what if you never believed in heaven and saw it? what do you do?

following that, i watched castaway from start to finish for the first time. it was so painful to watch for the most part of it. what do you do? what do you do when for 4 years, all you did was to think of the love of your life, gazing upon her face in a little photograph, day and night, fighting for the will to survive, only to come back and lose her...again? what do you do?

smashing pumpkin's appels + oranjes says it pretty eloquently.

what if the sun refused to shine?
what if the clouds refused to rain?
what if the wind refused to blow?
what if the seas refused to wave?
what if the world refused to turn?
what if the stars would hesitate?

what if, what is isn't true?
what are you going to do?
what if, what is isn't you?
does that mean you've got to lose?
digging for the feel of something new

what if the silence let you dream?
what if the air could let you breathe?
what if the words would bring you here?
what if this sound could bring you peace?

what if, what is isn't true?
what are you going to do?
digging for the feel of something new
what if, what is isn't you?
does that mean you've got to lose?

it came from your thoughts, your dreams and visions
ripped up from your weeks and indecisions

what if the sun refused to shine?
what if the clouds refused to rain?
what if the world refused to turn?
what if the clocks would hesitate?

what if, what is isn't true?
what are you going to do?
what if, what is isn't you?
does that mean you've got to lose?
digging for the feel of something new

does that mean you've got to choose?
the feel of something new
does that mean you've got to lose?
the thoughts you cannot lose
what are you gonna do?

sometimes, knowledge disappoints me. because sometimes i want so much to believe in some kind of magic. but magic is really, the consequence of deception, right? will dr. ang look at me now and say there's a freudian slip over here? will a real castaway somewhere still believe in life and love?

i would have probably been telling you all this if you were with me right now. and you would be listening to me like it's the most important thing in the world, no matter how silly, no matter how crazy and warped it all sounds even to myself. and then you'd smile or laugh with me or wipe away my tears should it sadden my heart so. and if you couldn't hear it, you'd tell me to write it all down because you don't want to miss anything. and i can't begin to describe how the goodness of your heart and the way you love me touches me so. i can't talk to you tonight. or tomorrow night. or tomorrow tomorrow night. i hope you're ok. i hope you're well. i miss you.

there i was, you know, studying for my consumer behavior test like any other tortured smu soul on a regular saturday afternoon and you wouldn't believe who came online on msn!!!



miss vasantham! i kid you not, dear reader. miss vasantham! for those out of the know, miss vasantham was a beauty pageant screened on vasantham central. so there she was, chatting with me! on msn! she's really hot and drop-dead gorgeous. unfortunately, she pales in comparison to reno rally royal. personally, i think he, i mean, she, is jealous of reno.

however, disturbed by the amount of attention she was getting(the fans were disturbed too), she immediately changed her msn nickname back to her original alter ego name, MP.

it's good to have you back. =)

somehow, i stopped sharing directly about important things over here. i seem to have become aware that people actually might be reading this. and i think, what if they know that what i really want most in life is to love god? what if they think i'm foolish for thinking and feeling the things i do? what if they call me a drama-mama and find me too intense? what if i said over here that i loved mervin? would they make fun of me? what if they know that i have insecurities from time to time about the way i look? what if they know i can be such a hypocrite sometimes? what if i said that sometimes i just don't care at all? what if i said that sometimes i did hate and get angry? what if i said that i'm afraid to raise my hand in class sometimes? what if they knew my thoughts could be dark and dangerous as well? would they run away from me?

but those are the things i really want to share, besides the doses of humour and randomness, which i also don't ever want to stop sharing; that's me as well. but just one side of. but if i only share just half or a quarter, this blog is nothing but some cnn or bbc website. why on earth do i want to maintain and upkeep a stage?? there are so many more important things to do!! so goodbye to all that i say. here's what i want to share today...

last week, i tried on mervin's glasses and the bitter realisation hit me that i've been seeing things more blurly than they appear. i didn't want to wear glasses, i thought. i didn't want to see my world through a frame, i whined inside. ok, so there was contacts but isn't it great to just open your eyes first thing in the morning and be able to see? so i was on the 147 going to school last week and i was looking out of the window and i thought, what if i go blind right here right now? who would help me? if i called my mom, how could she help me? i wouldn't even know where i was. then, i started thinking further. if i had gone blind there and then, the last time i ever saw the ones i love would be the last time i ever saw them, literally. and should i have a child next time, how sad it would be that i would never be able to see him/her. even the simple things. like not being able to watch a movie again, read, surf the net, or even just gaze at life outside the windows of a bus. it made me feel so sad i tell you. i reached school feeling like it was my last day to live because i suddenly had no idea whether i would be able to see my whole life.

it's funny though. i've been really frustrated last week. pms? i don't know. i know i was getting super pissed off with one of my project groups. it's funny the kind of holes we dig and bury ourselves in and feel justified for doing so. i was disappointed and upset easily. i had strong inclinations to block off the world and hide in my room, even from mervin whom i was waiting the whole week to see. all ths coupled with my sudden fear of going blind (imustsoundreallyneurotic(maybeiam)).

and then there i am sitting alone at mass on sunday morning and the gospel is read out and jesus heals the blind man who can't see yet recognises him. i feel a jolt because well, there's that connection. the night before i'm sharing my fear of going blind with mervin, and the next morning, of all the readings in the world, there you have it. jesus healing the blind man. but i still don't understand. what were you trying to tell me?

as the church emptied out after mass, i stayed back to pray for a while and this thought just hit me. that the greatest tragedy was really being blind to love. it was a "whoa" moment. like something breaking through the ice around my heart the past few days. the blind man was only sightless, but he was not blind in his faith. he recognised his savior.

but still, i started the week cold. monday was shit. everything succeeded in rattling me. at night, i was in church and we were shifting our stuff to the new room and i picked up this small little book from our so-called msc library. "prison or praise". i took the book and left the room. cue: "to be continued.." of a serial you're watching where a twist happens in the end.

so i started reading this book and it amazed me how someone could not grow tired in being thirsty for god. i was amazed by how people listened and had their eyes well up in tears when he spoke such simple words. but didn't jesus speak such simple words too? isn't there alot of common sense in the bible which we can get from "real life" anyway? what is it that transforms lives and makes people go down on their knees and give up everything for this one thing? could it be....cognitive dissonance? maybe, for some people. but what about those who've been cold and dead for years and are resurrected suddenly?

then last night, i was reading an sms i had sent to mervin back in march. i was reminded of a time when i had been in such a spiritual drought. it was a time when i really wanted to pray but couldn't and it was painful. i remember how afraid i was. i remember the dreams i had where i woke up in misery and despair thinking i had lost my lord forever. i remember feeling there was nothing more if i was lost from god. and i remember how much i had thirsted for god, even when i couldn't believe. and as i read that sms last night, i started to wonder, what happened to that thirst? i mean, i could still love, i could still feel. but somewhere, i had grown lukewarm again.

and just as well, last night we went to meet aunty marifei, this amazing lady from philippines who took care of us the last time a bunch of us were there. she had come to singapore for a few days. she's going back tonight. anyway, these days i just don't have the drive to go out for social stuff during weekdays anymore. it's just work, work, work. but i decided to go anyway(somehow, despite the mountainload of work piling up, i seem to have time and energy for other things). and what a meeting. i think of her and i think of tom petty's "walls".

Cause you got a heart so big
It could crush this town
And I can't hold out forever
Even walls fall down

and meeting her and listening to her share further reminded me of that thirst. neil young wrote about how he had been searching for a heart of gold. and here it was, embedded in this little lady who couldn't stop hugging us and telling us she loved us and blowing us flying kisses as we parted ways last night. she's simple, she speaks common sense, and yet why does she move us so?

I want to live,
I want to give
I've been a miner
for a heart of gold.
It's these expressions
I never give
That keep me searching
for a heart of gold
And I'm getting old.
Keeps me searching
for a heart of gold
And I'm getting old.

I've been to Hollywood
I've been to Redwood
I crossed the ocean
for a heart of gold
I've been in my mind,
it's such a fine line
That keeps me searching
for a heart of gold
And I'm getting old.
Keeps me searching
for a heart of gold
And I'm getting old.

Keep me searching
for a heart of gold
You keep me searching
for a heart of gold
And I'm getting old.
I've been a miner
for a heart of gold.

so well, it's one tragedy to be blind to love. and it's another to withhold love. that's what i'm trying to say in this one long post.

i love god, i love my family, i love mervin, i love my friends, i love aunty, i love reno and i don't want it to stop there. so much in this world misses love, has lost love, craves love. and i want to love with every fibre of my being and with all my heart, all my mind, all my soul and all my strength. no more crawling back into holes and hiding just because i'm afraid the world will reject me. seriously, there's so much loving to do! i'm not ready for the world? maybe. or maybe, the world's not ready for me. =)

i say the word "whatever" because i don't want to and so that i don't have to...care. do you? it's a terrible word, a terrible attitude, a terrible way of life.

if everyone said "whatever", what ever shall we become of us?

lord of the rings, harry potter, the da vinci code....bah! i say. say hello to M.D.! i say. merrill john dookie d. the visionary of the 21st century and beyond!

-->shireen<-- says:
so why were u in dog heaven
HippoBum says:
do u really want to know
-->shireen<-- says:
yes please
HippoBum says:
ok here goes :
HippoBum says:
I dreamt a dream , but it was nothing like i'd ever dreamed before . There were poodles , lassie and St bernard at the door . So I went up to him and said , what am i doing here and St bernard replied ' there are somethings you need to find out for yourself ' . So i patted him on the head and i walked on straight in , and there i saw . Every dog , and i'm telling you every dog
HippoBum says:
was eating an ice-cream with its little paws . Yes believe you me , and so I walked around for a little bit , and there I saw a dog in the corner , biting away his toe . Out of curiosity , more than of kindness I went forward to look at him . I bent forward and asked him what his name was and what he was doing . He told me his name was Beno NAthani . I said to myself , doesn't that ring a familiar
HippoBum says:
bell , so I checked again . Beno was all there looking alone and lost and licking his dog toe . I sat against the wall , and decided to find out more about Beno and why he wasn't having an ice cream .
HippoBum says:
Beno told me that all the other dogs discriminated him because he was fat . I wanted to check him and say , are u sure man - you're more like obese . But then i realised it was insensitive , perhaps obesity runs in the family . Beno said that all Beno could eat was a packet of Ginger and Garlic M&M's . I felt angry, i felt enraged - I turned purple . It's possible to turn purple in dog heaven
HippoBum says:
Then i asked the JApanese Chim who was passed out direction . ' Ohio gonzaimas , hold it there u slinky-eyed mutt !!!! What is the meaning of this ??? Why can't poor Beno have an ice-cream like every other dog '
HippoBum says:
Then the Japanese Chim , bowed in his little doggies way and replied ' Sensei , ohio Toyota Cars Make very good these days ' . I was goddammed pissed and i had a right to be . ' What the hell are you talking bout doggie . You better talk some sense before I tell fat man and little boy '.
HippoBum says:
he replied ' I tell u brown man whose face is purple in colour , Beno here can't eat ice cream because he's too fat . Too fat , i tell you , We wan't not him to pai pai '
HippoBum says:
'Pai pai , i asked ' . Yes Pai pai , from what i learnt later from a Kerry Blue Terrier , who was a practioning medical nurse who in his previous life was the 'jaga' at the dog clinic in sembawang road , and i guess that qualifies him that much - he said that pai pai is to reach an unconscious state from having too much ice-cream . I was shocked , but it came to my sense . These dogs had good
HippoBum says:
intentions they cared about Beno . They didn't want Beno to suffer again . After all , what would happen to Beno if he had ' pai-pai-ed' . I left the Jap mutt , and I turned to Beno . I asked him as I realised my time was up . Was there anything , I could do to help him feel better ? He told me ' Reach out to my brother Reno Mathani . When he comes to dog heaven , I want him to have all the
HippoBum says:
ice-cream in the world . All the multi-flavoured , double-scoop , tripple scoop and make me proud . I knew finally , my purpose of being in Dog heaven . I knew what I was supposed to do .
HippoBum says:
That's it , so now u know . And i'm sure you know what to do :)

wow. that. was. so. awe-some!

paradigmatic investigation...dyadic social interaction...go shireen go! 12 papers to be read and analysed before you sleep tonight, filled with such fancy, mind-stopping (literally) lingo such as yours truly's introduction to this post. i love what i'm studying, i really do! i just need more time!!! and eyes!!! and brains!!! and shireens!!!

hmmm, the simpsons will be on in 5 minutes followed by malcolm in the middle. hmmmm indeed...

i want to remember this:

sunday afternoons, lying down on the car seat. the car window seemed much bigger then. turning my gaze skywards, watching the tops of trees and white wispy/fluffy clouds whiz by against the blue sky. sun shines brightly and it's probably hot out there but we're safe and cool in the car, on the way back from lunch, and i'm wishing the ride never ends. and all the while, papa's put on new order's "regret" and i'm wishing the song never ends too though i'm too young to really know or care what it's about. we're all in a good mood.

new order's "regret" always reminds me of those fresh and dreamy sunday afternoons. perhaps that's why i decided to make it my new ringtone, besides the fact that it sounds really good! only problem is, i take longer to answer the phone now.

woohoo! added links on the sidebar! -->

and i did it ALL BY MYSELF!

so if i start to get boring, which is impossible, there are some alternatives which i have kindly provided. and some which i am still in the process of getting licenses for. haha.

but seriously, click on them. someone might have something to tell you which you need to read today.

next step: radioblog! or something like that...

it's a drizzly sunday morning. papa just finished bathing reno, and in my sleepy daze, at papa's request, i took videos of him cleaning reno's ears, brushing reno's teeth and combing reno's hair. as usual, reno tries to eat anything that comes into contact with his mouth (don't worry, he doesn't bite) so, as you can guess, he was trying to lick all the toothpaste up. it was a pretty funny sight, but reno is always doing these weird idiosyncratic things that only a reno does.

sometimes do you wake up really tired after dreaming? i feel awake but somewhat tired from the adventures my dreams took me on before i woke up this morning. they were so vivid, so strange, so crazy, so perplexing and so....real.

now i'm plonked down at the dining table which has become my new haven for studying, if one can even have a haven for studying. there's nothing much else to do but study really. i could go for a run, i could watch tv, i could read the papers...and i could think of you. i think i'll just study.

i have so many dreams, all these big plans swimming in my mind. sometimes, i feel excited when i study the things i study and i think about what all these things could do for life, for the world, and that i have access to this knowledge. and my gosh, all the things i could do! me, small little me, i could make a difference somewhere and for a while, i am smiling inside, excited as hell, devouring the pages. but the moment i look away, i get distracted and tired. just like when my stomach feels queasy and i start to eat and it doesn't feel so queasy when i eat but the moment i stop, it's queasy as hell. i don't know if that's an appropriate analogy but it's more or less the same feeling.

roxette's "listen to your heart" is playing right now and somehow, everytime i listen to this song, i feel a whole lot of feelings. they used to play this alot in morey's piers and it seemed to match my thoughts at the time too (so drama!). and everytime this song came on, it would be pretty surreal. people would still be screaming, doing silly things outside your booth, deciding what to buy. sometimes, some of the associates would walk by and smile, clean your window, whatever. and all this while you're sitting there behind that glass window, in your own world, watching the world outside go by, but with everything and everyone seeming to take on a different hue. i think this song will never be the same for melt and me. =)


view of mariner's landing from the back of adventure pier at night

And there are voices that want to be heard
So much to mention but you can't find the words
The scent of magic, the beauty that's been
When love was wilder than the wind

p.s. happy children's day!

this is just something jeevan and i came up with for fun. we were pretty inspired by hope. this is what happens when we study together. our outlets for stress take on pretty creative (nonsensical) forms. anyway, enjoy. and if you find it lame, well, in the words of hope, whatever. haha.

click here!

silly billy.

sometimes, all it takes is a few words to make you want to climb into a little hole where noone can see you and where you don't ever have to emerge from again. once, you laugh it off. and one turns into two, then, three times. then you begin to wonder whether these words hold truth, and you eventually start to believe they do. it cuts, especially when these words come from the people you love most in the world.

it makes me feel a little less loved, a little more judged, and mostly, pretty lousy and unworthy.

i woke up feeling gorgeous this morning....

....and now i just feel plain ugly.

you take my breath away!

this is reno. reno rally royal. he is taking a saturday afternoon nap. on jeevan's shoe. MELT. not mel tan melt. wicked witch of the west in wizard of oz melt. awwwww.....

"looks like some people don't know what the phrase "let sleeping dogs lie" means...pffft."

it's fascinating watching reno sleep. how can anyone sleep so much? and today, he was fast asleep but his legs were twitching and i concluded that he was chasing rabbits in his sunday afternoon dream.

going for the geeky hunk look. melt.


reno is one of those dogs you meet once in a lifetime. and will remember forever. what a character, what a dog!

reno, you never fail to melt my heart. i love you!

we slapped, punched, kicked and screamed at each other. pulled each others hair out, had batteries thrown at our brows, told on each other ("aunty! look at akka (big sister)!!") , had the contents of our private diaires exposed....oh who knows where it ends? but i can't imagine life without us 3 together. the cycling adventures, the silly games, spj museum, the holidays, the jamming sessions, the concerts, the magazines and newspapers...oh who knows where that ends either? but most importantly, it's that unspeakable connection. where we laugh at the same things and know why, understand why one of us is so upset, know what songs and movies to recommend to each other, know what food each other would find appealing or disgusting, and where does that end? we're so different, the 3 of us, and yet, we're all the same. world, meet spj pte ltd.

we were having supper on friday night, a few of us, after the day was over for this retreat i was facilitating at. one of the musicians joined us and he was asking all these funny questions like is it possible to have a perfectly square house with all four walls (the outside) facing the north pole or whether it was possible to be the day before and after yesterday. the latter, we concluded, was possible and he asked because he was marvelling at the fact you could be in two states at once. maybe he should have met me earlier. anxious, scared, inspired, happy, contented, insecure, restless. that's like, a few states at once. and just in case you're wondering the answer to his first question..yes it's possible if the house is on the south pole.

"Our hearts were made for You, O Lord, and are restless until they rest in You." -St. Augustine

it's been far too long and about time! it was sweet meeting up with you again, addie. just like old times, you always feel like home. you're crazy and funny and lame and selfless and kind and i love you just the way you are. dear god, thank you for addie. amen. =)
(i think you can fry an egg on my forehead! eeeeeee!)

fireworks. boom! like a million little stars exploding from the nothingness of a black sky, fading away slowly and silently while they fall towards the earth and the sea and the people. does that ever happen to your heart?

i thought 2 months would crawl by painfully, slowly. i thought the 16th of july would never come. but now, i feel like veronika with her last 5 days left and i wonder whether i should be a little crazier. the world will go on without me whether i like it or not. as i walk along the boardwalk later, noone will know how numbered my days here are. and when i leave on friday, the piers will still be open. the seagulls will still continue to swoop down and steal exposed pizzas and funnel cakes. people will go to michael's to party like there's no tomorrow every other night. there will be new cashiers sitting where i use to sit. people will still go up to the booths to ask how many tickets the great white costs or where the nearest restroom is. but then, life will never be the same for the few who i mattered to. life will never be same for me.

saying goodbye never seemed so hard before...

someone stuck a piece of a wristband on some part of the window pane of my ticket booth today and it was blank and i was bored and i wrote the all too familar verse by blake on it.

"to see the world in a grain of sand,
and heaven in a flower;
hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
and eternity in an hour."

and then i go back to reading "veronika decides to die" by paulo coelho and then read a paragraph about Infinity and Eternity and my heart stops and then starts, but only this time, it beats with a new vigour. is it a coincidence or merely the language of the universe? i'm not too sure about coincidences these days.

sometimes, alot of times these days, i feel sad during the nights or in the mornings when i'm alone. i don't know how i got this way because i used to love these moments. and today, i felt sorry for myself when i caught myself trying desperately to fill up the empty spaces of the day with people and activities to battle the time alone. then we sang a line of a verse of a song today..

"are you sinking in your sorrow?"

and i thought to myself, hell yeah.

and then...

"come spend some time with me, come away.."

such simple words. spoke volumes to me. why do i desperately try to fill up the loneliness and then crumple into a heap of despair after that feeling tired and angry that it's reached such a state? no really...the question is..why do i need to? is it a form of indulgence? is it my pride? or is it that i just forgot?

alot of times, i feel alot of things. things touch me in so many ways and i can't tell you i'm happy i can't tell you i'm sad but i can tell you i'm happysadmadglad and a whole lot more, if a whole lot more could say the whole lot. i can feel joy the way a perfect sunset brings joy in the midst of profound sadness that only sunsets can bring and i can feel profound sadness amidst the happiest day in the world. now tell me, am i crazy or am i alive? or are they the same?

ok, i guess it's been a pretty long time since i last blogged here. well, i've been moving around alot i guess. first, i was moving around germany as part of a course in school. then, i moved on to czech and hungary. and after that, new jersey, where i am now. it's been almost 2 weeks that i've been here in wildwood, new jersey. and i'm here working in a theme park called moreys piers. well, what can i say? i mean, the past month has resulted in ALOT of things worth blogging about. so much randomness and spontaneity and risks and adventures. so many lessons learnt. so many people i've met, friends i've come to know. you get the idea...i might talk about those times another time.

but for now, i will be blogging here most of the time. that's the blog melt and i created to last us our stay and travels here in the states till we get back to singapore. but melt is so lazy, she's not postin anything! might come back here sometimes when i feel like it though...later!

so exam week so aptly fell right smack onto holy week, and what do you know? my very own walk down calvary. and aptly so, i finally break free from the reins of exams on saturday morning. funnily, it's business processes, my cross for almost every monday night of the term!! (long story). and on saturday night, i will celebrate the easter vigil mass. and it'll be kind of like a resurrection for me too.

this whole period of lent. wow. really zoomed by just like that. sundays during lent, i'm sitting in church. it's the 1st sunday of lent. and suddenly it's the 5th. then suddenly, palm sunday comes and we're all holding up our palms (as in the leaves, the really poky ones) and kids are poking their parents and siblings with them and lent is over. just like that.

yet, as i look back over these weeks of lent, so much has happened, within and without. and it's amazing how it all happened in like what, 6 weeks?? how a prayer answered turned my world upside down and left me feeling almost totally deserted at some point and then, soon enough set my heart burning more than it ever did before. yes, in a way, it was my own 40 days in a desert. my own journey like the shepherd boy in the alchemist. the desert...has always fascinated me. how something so barren can enrich and nourish the soul. have you ever seen a desert? for real? i think i mentioned before that i once did. from the plane. and i was totally in awe. because seeing it from that level allowed me to see just how vast and bare it was. it was an awesome sight. like a golden ocean that stretched forever. i could see no beginning and no end. i'm learning to appreciate the beauty of the deserts in my life. there is nothing there, and yet it is ALL there.

so straight after this period of recharging my ammo and this whole process of discovery begins another. again, so apt. a new adventure if i may call it so. next wednesday, i leave for germany. and then, the states. that's 4 months away from home! and my whole summer vacation! i am scared, excited, sad, relieved, stressed, happy, apprehensive, curious, one helluva rojak inside! oh, all the things i have to pack!!!

you know, when i was young, and when we said all those "when we grow up things", i said i wanted to be an adventurer. when i made my brothers act in little skits we put up for fun, i always played the adventurer. shireen the adventurer. i guess i never left that behind. and now i'm 21, an adult so they say, but i'm still shireen the adventurer. and everyday, is nothing short of an adventure. some people ask me how's my day. and if you really got me talking, it's hard fo me to tell you it was just great or ok. so much goes on in a day, in me, around me. by the end of each day, i'm full of stories to tell, as though i just came back from some long expedition. everything has the power to inspire, to speak to me and touch something in me. especially when i let my heart be open. she told me, that my heart, my mind, my life were flowers, all the same one flower. she told me to let it open and see how beautiful it was. i recall that message from time to time and everytime i recall it, i learn something new because of all that has gone on in between.

today, i got home and they said i had a parcel. i was sooooo happy. i love it when i get mail. except that i hardly ever do! except for bank statements. and well this time, i didn't just get a postcard or one of those. i got a parcel!!
all the way from japan! thanks (japan) adrian!! i will not throw away the parcel wrapper for sure!!

ok i want to go on and on and on because my mind is so alive now and i want to talk about everything! but it's 346am and a little (not that little maybe) chimpanzee-by-day-werewolf-by-night might end up looking like a panda because of me if i don't sleep now!

so.......i won't hold these thoughts. i'll let them go for now. but should they ever come again...

so goodnight, world! :)

i was at the stations of the cross yesterday. a few things struck me...

usually, a feeling of weariness and impatience creep over me even before the stations begin. i just think about all the kneeling and the standing that is to come and how it is not just one but FOURTEEN stations i have to go through. i think about the seeming dreariness of it all and what i'll be doing after that as a reward for going through it. something like the feeling i used to have before netball trainings, just that the only difference was, for stations, i still WANTED to go back. i wanted to go back not because anyone forced me to or i felt obligated to. i want to go back...only because i am in love.

and there i am, sheltered from the rain in an air-conditioned church. the bright lights above illuminate our little stations books so that we read out his passion. cushioned pews make kneeling slightly more merciful. and for 30 minutes, just 30 minutes, i relive his passion, trying to see what he saw, what he heard, how he felt...what they saw, what they heard, how they felt. except that, i was not the one who felt the stinging blows of the cruel whip, who wore that crown of thorns,who carried that cross, who fell three times, who sipped the vinegar, who spilled crimson as the nails tore into flesh and bone. no, i was not the one who hung there, stripped and emptied. what is my tiredness? what is my feeling of dread?

and i think to myself. what if i were there then? would i have shook my head sadly as i looked at that man with those crazed eyes, burning like fire? would i have been one of those who said, "ah, poor, crazy man. he was a nice guy. if only someone had talked him into his senses. all these son of god stories. ah, what a crazy world"? and then, would i have just walked on home, be sad for a while about the state of things in the world outside, and then just gone on with life, tending to my sheep or drawing water from a well? the way i do when i watch CNN and get greeted by statistics about fatalities of a bomb explosion in iraq?

or would i have followed this man, with those eyes burning like fire, even unto the folly of the cross?

it was one helluva gamble he took. who would have taken him seriously? would i have? are you kidding? what a crazy thing he said! what a crazy thing he did! things! but...i have fallen in love nevertheless. he loved me first, even before i knew him.

and this love, it defies all reason. reason is only as far as i can see. it limits life, and my view of it. love is infinite and has no boundaries.

i look upon the love of my parents for me and how they knew and loved me even before i saw their faces in my human form. how they were with me, whether i was bathing in the glory of my successes or rolling in the mud of my defeats. and there, i see how he has loved me.

a boy looks at a girl and feels her eyes connect to everything in him and his heartbeat falls into a beautiful and chaotic rhythm. and there, i feel his infinite power and love in his one infinite gaze.

a man dies on a cross for someone who doesn't even care. oh, the folly of that cross. and there, i see how love has conquered death and all logic.

birds do it, bees do it,
even educated fleas do it,
lets do it, lets fall in love!

because we can't help but fall in love. so stop trying to resist! hee. =)

the smallest things can trigger memories of ancient times. ok, maybe not ancient, considering i'm just shy of turning 21.

small things, like taking a walk in a familiar park i used to frequent with my family when i was younger. bishan park. on weekends, we'd go there. my brother/s and i would try to outbeat each other and be the "leader" on our 4-wheel bikes, which we would spend time choosing carefully at the bicycle kiosk. and we'd make stopovers at the 2 different playgrounds and when we ended our journey and reached the bicycle kiosk, we would wait there for papa to finish his jog. and then, i also recalled the time when papa first taught us how to ride a 2-wheel bike. i remember the adrenaline rush and the fear. but most of all, i remember how he ran alongside us, holding on to the bike, sweating like mad but determined that we ride that bike. i wonder how he felt when he first saw me ride that bike without him having to hold on to it. i know that after that, riding a bicycle was never the same again. it was a whole new experience, one that was worth every fall and drop of fear.

you know, small things, little things like drinking this bottle of lime juice now. not just any lime juice but "RIPE" lime juice (RIPE is a brand by the way). it brought me back to those evenings when i'd just suddenly decide i wanted to go for a run. and just like that, i'd get off the couch or away from the window i was staring out from for the past hour, change into some running attire, put on my shoes, stretch a bit and be on my way. i didn't run for health reasons, though it may have been a side-effect. i ran because i wanted to, because i needed something to hit me and wake me up, something to make me feel alive. the aches, the panting, the sweat, the mental and physical agony. i wasn't sure where i would run to but i knew i would get somewhere. i'd take my buscard along with me in case i ran too far or got lost or injured. sometimes i just put a few coins in my shoe or in my shorts pocket. and when i thought i had run far enough, i would usually take a very slow walk back, looking at life and all the living going on around me as the day drew to a close and the sun was setting. and the lime juice. i'd usually run various long-winded, exciting routes that ultimately brought me to serangoon gardens. and when i reached, i would buy RIPE lime juice from NTUC or Shell's Select and savour it as i walked back home. you can't imagine how good RIPE's lime juice tasted at those points in time. like little drops of heaven to my parched mouth. but that whole experience of the run, the walk, the lime juice, the thoughts, the things i saw, the things i heard, the tiredness, the exhiliration, the....they were like drops of heaven to my parched soul then...funny how a sip of lime juice can rekindle so strongly those days. i'd still like to do it again sometime.

and as i started this post, funny how a familiar song in a foreign language started playing from my media player...

vaase to
ghade ye bargam
pishe to
razi be margam

...bringing back soooooo many beautiful memories, but mostly in the form of words, cos that's really all that kept it alive, whatever it was. will there be just one more word? or was that the last? i really don't know.

it was the last day of lessons for the term today and we were the last group to present in class. it's not over yet though. there are still at least 3 reports to complete and there are the exams coming up. and immediately after, i'll be leaving on a jet plane. my bed at home will not be slept on for about 4 months as i hop from place to place...germany, czech, hungary, US. it all seems like such a blur now. this sunday's party will go by as fast as it comes. the study break will come and go. then holy week will arrive, bringing with it the agony and excitement of exams and 3 days later, i'll be watching the street lights of singapore shrink to little specks and disappear as the plane carries me away. i can't deny i feel a bit sad because i have been recently overwhelmed with a wave of love for all the people in my life, old and new. but i am thankful, always thankful. and i would rather leave drenched with this love than the lack of it. i will carry it with me and i hope i never forget it or leave it behind.

this term has been amazing, nothing short of. with all my heart, thank you.

I'll lose some sales and my boss won't be happy
but I can't stop listening to the sound
of two soft voices blended in perfection
from the reels of this record that I've found

every day there's a boy in the mirror asking me:
what are you doing here?
finding all my previous motives growing increasingly unclear

I've traveled far and I've burned all the bridges
I believed as soon as I hit land
all the other options held before me
would wither in the light of my plan

so I'll lose some sales and my boss won't be happy
but there's only one thing on my mind
searching boxes underneath the counter
on a chance that on a tape I'd find

a song for someone who needs somewhere to long for
homesick because I no longer know where home is

-Homesick, Kings of Convenience

just got back from the kings of convenience concert, dinner, a chat, a drive and some quiet time at the ado.

the lone drive home with a familiar song (not the one above) being resurrected through the speakers made my mind drift off to another place and another time. i paused to wonder for a while, but a voice said, drive on. i drove on. but the thoughts darted furiously nevertheless. patience, have faith, it said again. and i told myself to breathe.

i hope you are ok. if not, you know what to do...

love may be severe, but never cruel...i think these are the words i've been searching for these past few days. too many times, i do not where to draw the line. i think i am being kind but i confuse "niceness" with "kindness". i'm sorry if i've patronised anyone. i'm sorry if i said yes to anyone with skewed intentions. i really am.

a familiar restlessness stirs in me again telling me that in spite of all the late nights of sharing that's been going on and all the time i've spent in church, i still seem to be kind of missing the point. i don't think i'm being too hard on myself, maybe too soft even.

is it because i have become lukewarm? i can't bear to be lukewarm. the more stagnant these waters become, the more torrential the rains become inside.

moments of inspiration burst forth like lightning, enlightening and lightening. but as fast as lightning fades, so do they. but to leave a scar on my heart forever, lightning must pierce it. it may singe initially, but i know it's worth it. love may be severe, but never cruel.

it feels like i'm trying to win back something i keep losing. i don't know why i need to do that. i don't even want those things. but i am proud and weak. sometimes, i allow desire to get the better of me and i create and play games where i feel the need to win, just so that i will not feel so lousy about myself. i am scared of losing again but why should i be when there was no game to play in the first place? and the games i lost were the ones i created anyway. the real game is in fighting the urge to create these games and play them (i think that is what i'm trying to fight so hard right now). yet, i create them as though i were giving myself another chance to win. like a compulsive gambler who doesn't know when to stop, thinking to himself, just one more, give me just one more shot, this might be the one i win! and who knows whether he'll treasure his winnings or not. he just needs to know that he wasn't that unlucky, that life wasn't at odds with him, that even he had a shot. but it's not going to stop, it's not going to stop till i wise up (thanks miss aimee mann). i will keep fighting and keep losing, keep fighting and keep losing, again and again, until i learn, until this lesson pierces my heart (and not just my thoughts); that i don't have to play that game and i don't have to prove that i am not lousy and that i am worthy. it will never stop until these words are engraved deep into my heart and not just rolling freely from the tip of my tongue or fingers....

"i may be able to speak the languages of human beings and even of angels, but if i have no love, my speech is more than a noisy gong or a clanging bell. i may have the gift of inspired preaching; i may have all knowledge and understand all secrets; i may have the faith needed to move mountains - but if i have no love, i am nothing. i may give away everything i have, and even give up my body to be burned - but if i have no love, this does me no good.

love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. love never gives up; and its faith, hope and patience never fail.

love is eternal. there are inspired messages but they are temporary; there are gifts of speaking in strange tongues, but they will cease; there is knowledge, but it will pass. for our gifts of knowledge and of inspired messages are partial; but when what is perfect comes, then what is partial will disappear.

when i was a child, my speech, feelings and thinking were all those of a child; now that i am an adult, i have no more use for childish ways. what we see now is like a dim image in a mirror; then we shall see face-to-face. what i know now is only partial; then it will be complete - as complete as god's knowledge of me.

meanwhile, these three remain; faith, hope and love; and the greatest of these is love."

wow, i was merely thinking about how love is not jealous or proud or conceited (the way i feel so tempted to be these days and yet have the nerve to think i am not) and thought about this passage. and as i was typing it out, every line captured perfectly the thoughts darting fast and furiously in my mind these past few weeks. the restlessness that stirs from the nothingness of my being where love is lacking. the selfish pride that consumes me at times. even the blissful thoughts i described to be like lightning, only temporary. the partiality of all i know or want to know. and yet, possessing the hope that stems from my conviction that all that is hidden will be revealed.

i'm not sad but i sense a nudge, or a tug on my sleeve prompting me to tense my muscles that are slackening. it usually comes in the form of this restlessness and i am always thankful for these moments.

but it doesn't end there. how can one not be in awe? how can one not be touched? as i was typing the previous paragraph, i suddenly remembered something i had read in one of my currently overdue library books, "manual of the warrior of light" by paulo coelho. and as i was randomly flipping through the book looking for the line i wanted to recall, every single page i randomly flipped to seemed to reflect everything i was thinking and/or typing here, in the exact words as they were in my head. and i am filled with a certain conviction that my prayers never go unheard no matter how small and trivial or how dramatic and complicated and that my questions will all be answered in time. we can hear this voice of love, speaking through us through all of creation for what is creation but an act of love.

i could go on and on, i really could! where could i run where i cannot feel your love? don't let me start with the miracle of the taxi this morning where with a really doubtful heart, i prayed against all odds and the peak hour traffic and the unstrategic location i was waiting at, uttering only the first few words of my prayer before seeing a taxi suddenly swerve from the third to the first lane while approaching the traffic light in the distance and finally stop right infront of me without me hailing it. or about how you taught me, patiently and persistently, through all the moments of my life, leading to this moment, how to finally say no and find the courage to tell the truth. you had to be severe, but you remained faithful still. and the people, oh how you loved me through them and how you nourished me with that love to help me grow. some of them had to be the bad guys, and while it was a lesson in their own journeys, it was also one in mine. how ingenius! those eyes blazing like fire, your voice like a roaring waterfall...

"warriors of light always have a certain gleam in their eyes.

they are of thisworld, they are part of the lives of other people and they set out on their journey with no saddlebags and no sandals. they are often cowardly. they do not always make the right decisions.

they suffer over the most trivial things, they have mean thoughts and sometimes believe they are incapable of growing. they frequently deem themselves unworthy of any blessing or miracle.

they are not quite sure what they are doing here. they spend many sleepless nights, believing their lives have no meaning.

that is why they are warriors of light. because they make mistakes. because they ask themselves questions. because they are looking for a reason - and they are sure to find it."

i think we are all called to be warriors of light. i am constantly searching, i get tired and restless, i fight many battles day in day out, dark rings form under my eyes, but there is a gleam in those very same eyes. i am hopeful always, i am rejoicing always. is it my way of lying to myself just to console myself? am i in denial? maybe, once upon a time, when i forgot everything. but now, i'm starting to remember.

and well, i think i should end this post for today. but before i do, this is my prayer. jars of clay, i hope you don't mind...

I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nail that still remains
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
Battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain,
And wash my feet and cleanse my pride
Take the selfish, take the weak,
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
My sin-soaked heart - make it yours
Take my world all apart,
Take it now, take it now
And serve the ones that I despise
Speak the words I can't deny
Watch the world I used to love
Fall to dust and blow away
I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nail that still remains
Steal my heart and take the pain
Take the selfish, take the weak
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
Take my world apart
Take my world apart
And I pray, and I pray, and I pray
Take my world apart
Worlds apart

-Worlds Apart, Jars of Clay

well, well, i was just about to start this post after a sudden burst of inspiration which came forth from the 4 walls of my tv set and was all set to start typing when....

when i heard that familiar and heart-stopping noise. the sound of a beetle and if you know me, you'll know that i can't sleep knowing there's a beetle in my room because i mean, what if it makes a temporary home in my hair while i sleep? and the sound it makes, oh i can't begin to describe how it makes me feel. ihwejkjrekfb!!!! so i devised all sorts of plans to get it out..i rolled up balls of paper, and got myself into my ready stance, one hand holding the crushed up paper aimed at the beetle and the other on the light switch (i had already switched on the lights outside). i focused and with bated breath, i said "chaaarge!" in my mind and threw the paper at the beetle, switched off my room light and ran outside...but, the stupid beetle didn't move!!!! from being scared, i became bewildered instead. what a lazy beetle!!! so i repeeated my tactic a few more times, and still the beetle was unfazed. i finally decided it was time to use the cat stuffed-toy. i said a little prayer and with a sweep of the cat against the wall, i switched off the light again and ran outside. but i heard no sound, no beetle making awful beetle noises. no beetle flying out towards the light...so i peeked inside, all the while praying the beetle would not suddenly fly straight into my nose or something. and, the beetle was gone from the wall. but that made me worried because now i had no idea where it was....so i went back into the room and switched on the light and saw that, it had landed right next to where i was standing outside!!!! after a momentary gulp, it was time for the next move. to make sure the beetle didn't crawl back under my room door and also, i had to switch off the light outside. so mr. cat to the rescue again. i swept the beetle away with the cat, watching it slide just a few cm forward on the floor, sprinted to the light switch across my room for the lights outside, then raced back into my room without ever turning back. and only when i shut my door did i breathe a sigh of relief! turehjglkgedgfkldlm,fs!!!!

so anyway. this wasn't the reason why i turned on my com. as i said, i was inspired. i was having my dinner just now after returning from school (1 plus am mind you, but that was my doing...so..well..)and i was desiring the company of a good tv program for my stoned out mind but there was nothing good to watch! and then i switched to national geographic and saw that the title of the documentary was "dehli in flames". the title alone was enough to interest me considering i had just been to dehli only 2 months ago but watching the way the firefighters had to deal with all the different situations in dehli left me transfixed for that half an hour or so. the way they had to battle the heavy (CRAZY) dehli traffic (it's no joke i tell you, and even the fire engines meet with accidents themselves!), search every nook and corner of the dehli train station and trains and the thousands of people there (that's also no joke!) when alerted of a bomb threat only to find that there is none and zoom off to the next scene of fire. and the way they had to go deep into buildings in extreme conditions to trace the source of fires and put them out from inside. and slums, the slums are the worst! paths not big enough for a fire-engine to pass through, hazardous flammable materials covering every surface, fire-traps in every corner, people uneducated about how their actions can lead to fires...and it's usually these places that experience the worst devastation when it comes to fires. and these firemen have seen it all first-hand and they know how merciless the fires can be then. so their best defence or offence is prevention and they walk through these slums educating the people and advicing them and pointing out to them what they should replace or change to prevent fires. their depth of wisdom concerning fires were really amazing. these firemen work 24-hour shifts on alternate days of the week, do yoga together about once a week or so, go through intensive training...simply amazing. what's more is that they don't even have the best equipment to fight fires especially in a place like dehli but they are amazingly resourceful and courageous and i guess, i'm just...inspired!

and also, really sleepy. night!! =)

it's a funny situation if i think about it.

i'm sitting on the floor on the third floor of the accountancy block (because i'm too tired to stand) trying to finish my quantitative methods coursework. i'm supposed to help poor old mr ted wasser decide what to do with the 140,000 square metres of land he bought. personally, i think he should build a mansion with water-slides all over the place, all for me (which is one of my crazy dreams...just a dream!!)

however, dreaming aside, say hello to reality. i'm sitting on the floor of accountancy because i couldn't find a single study room just now after they kicked us out of the library because it was closing!! and i thought i was the only one without a life and that everyone would be partying at the rock concert going on downstairs for patron's day or at home watching tv or something. people walk past and can't fathom what i'm doing on the floor. i can't either considering there are now empty study rooms since an hour has passed. a guy saw me and walked over to tell me i could use his room because he was done. and i thanked him politely but my butt stayed glued to the ground. then a few minutes later, i heard someone call my name. it was kelly, but for a few moments, my mind just couldn't register who it was! then she came over with her friend and they offered to help me move to one of the many empty GSRs (group study rooms), but i declined graciously and am still here on the floor. bands have gone on and off the stage blasting U2, guns n roses, skid row and what have you and i have been here listening to every single hit belted out, and also to the noisy emcees shouting their hearts out!!

what a strange, strange situation i am in. rock concert with crazy (drunk, tipsy people high on free beer (i didn't miss out on mine!)) downstairs, shireen with laptop and notes all over the floor upstairs.

ok, back to the reality of reality....

i can't believe a week has passed already and yet it feels more like a year. like a bolt of lightning, like a car crash, like an electric shock, like a twist at the end of an m. night shyamalan movie...that's what some days are like...

sometimes, we want so much to believe that something really is the way it is and then, the truth (i don't say reality) jolts us and sweeps the magic carpet from under our feet and we lose our balance. and the few seconds of free falling dash by so fast and before you know it, you've hit the ground. but as you are falling and as you finally lie on the ground, you begin to see things from new perspectives. and so now, you wipe the dust from the past off and walk off in a new direction. it feels weird at first because everything feels new and unfamiliar, but you have to keep going, you must. your friends might think you're suffering from multiple-personality disorder, your brother might think you've really lost it this time, your cousins are not used to you actually talking about something besides music, your neighbour isn't used to you smiling at her, your parents are worried when you start asking them weird questions...it's unnerving alright, not just for them, but especially for you. you might find yourself clawing back for the old because it is so tempting to want to go back to the old life. isn't it amazing the things people can get used to, the way darkness can feel like home? time to move house, baby...

and you know what else? don't be surprised to find yourself all alone when you fight these battles. the toughest and most real battles of our lives are fought inside and they are fought alone. your mother, your best friend, your coach....they may be there cheering you on, waving the poms poms or giving you advice, but ultimately, noone is going to fight that battle but you. fear is not your friend, but love will see you through. love is truth and is perceiving something just as it is, it is devoid of illusion. isn't that actuality? (and there is only one who is totally in a state of actuality and the one who is with you always) fear, fear is full of illusions, it deceives. and as i am typing these thoughts, i get a message from a dear friend who quotes a line in star wars: fear, makes cold colder and makes dark darker.

so i thank you for this week, for the solitude, for the moments of contemplation, for the pain, for the things you have chosen to reveal, for the love you have blessed me with, for the honesty, for the trials and temptations, for the confusion and disillusionment, for the tears, for the turmoil, for the shocks, and also, for the beautiful walks home and the golden hue of sunset upon the trees and fields, for the song-filled busrides, for the books so rich, for the lovely dinners cooked by my mom, for the messages of care and concern and warmth, for the good cheer of friends and family, for the tuesday night sky sprinkled with stars, for the kind samaritan soul of my brother with a cast on one arm who brought an umbrella to the busstop to shelter me from the rain, for every single moment that i breathe, every single beautiful moment in which love is brought to perfection.

you know my heart. you know i am fearful and anxious about so much, far too much. but you know how much i hope in you and your goodness and how my heart yearns to trust in you. and with this hope, you know how my heart rejoices every moment, through gentle breezes and stormy weather. teach me, mould me, use me, guide me. i surrender this week and all it holds. i surrender this heart and all it holds.

this post is long overdue and yet too pre-mature and definitely far too short and incomplete. nevertheless, i dedicate this to my mom who knows no limit or end when it comes to giving....

when i was younger, i used to be scared of her. she had a stare that could send shivers down your spine (she still does, ask some of our friends =p) and her words could be sharp. but somewhere at some point in time, i stopped being so scared of her and learnt to appreciate her for who she was. in my eyes, she ceased to be the woman who said "no" to everything and spoilt our fun. instead, i saw this brilliant woman who had a very free and adventurous spirit, something that she carried in her since she was a child. she saw me through, breakdown after breakdown, as i poured out to her my tragic tales of love and life, and she amazed me with her depth of wisdom and understanding...and her resilience. whenever we were sick or needed something, she would run (or rather, drive) all over the place for us without hesistation. even if she hesitated, she would think of us first. sometimes, she did so much until she got so tired. that's the thing...what amazes me most about this woman is how she can keep giving and giving!

recently, aunty (my maid) went back to india for 2 weeks to look after her mother who was sick. and my mom decided to look after us and the whole house...and she did it so well! even when i wanted to help, i would find things were done already! well, that's something inherent in her, the need to keep everything in order and be busy haha. and on sunday, i had gone through a pretty rough time and she sat with me and tried to console me even though my actions had caused so much trouble for her. and i noticed that whenever i got back from school this whole week, i would find my room really neat! and every morning, she would pack a nice breakfast for me. and she'd drop me in school, knowing how tired i was, and even when i wasn't. and on monday night, she even called me when i was having dinner after staying back to finish my reports and drove all the way to school to fetch me. she was just giving and giving and giving. and she didn't complain and didn't ask for anything in return, it was as though she just wanted us to be happy! what is that if it is not love? it's really sad that sometimes she gets so much crap from us in return whenever she makes a slight mistake, that is such a crime! shame on us!

and what inspired me to put a post about this right now even though i've so much to study for my BP exam tomorrow (exam on a sunday!) is the phonecall i received from her just now. she went to buy dinner for me and called me to ask whether i wanted sushi after she bought my dinner. and i felt so touched that she wanted to do that for me knowing how much i liked tuna sushi. it was such a simple thing but i'm talking about a woman who does things like this all the time!!

she may be impatient at times, too harsh with her words, say the wrong things sometimes, become depressed at other times....but don't we all? even in spite of all this, her love and resilience shine through and you wonder what you did to deserve it and your heart is bursting with millions and billions and gaijllions of songs of praise and thanks...

thank you, mama....you know i love you!! =)

my heart is bursting!

(i shall quote myself from my dialogue with prof mel.)

sometimes, no, not sometimes. always. the simplest and most obvious things always blow our mind and make us go WHOA! philosophers formulate and put forth arguments century after century in search of these things. thick, complex books with big words (sometimes too big for my baby mind) ironically are attempts to strip away the utter complexities of life in search of these most obvious and simple things. people go through mid-life crises and give up whole fortunes and empires for these (i use "these" but it could very well just be "this", as i am leaning towards believing). monks meditate on mountaintops in solitude and the harsh, cold, biting winds to seek IT (so, i chose "this" after all.) people have killed themselves because they didn't know where or how to find it. people fall in and out of relationships in a certain desperation for it. i guess you get the idea...

the strangest (and yet, not even strange at all) thing is that IT is right in our faces! why is there suffering? what is life? what is love? what is my purpose? these are questions as old as time, and as young, for time exists forever and yet doesn't exist at all. consider this, what if all these questions ultimately lead to one answer? what if this one answer was the solution to all equations? and if this is the solution to all equations, then it is EVERYWHERE! because all things are equations containing this..thing. and that's what we're doing, trying to solve equation after equation in an attempt to figure IT out. in the process, sometimes the equation gets factorised and simplified and sometimes, it gets even more complicated and it seems as though there are a billion solutions. sometimes, we think we've found an answer only to realise that it doesn't work. and sometimes, we even have to change our whole way of tackling the equation and it gets tough because we got so used to one way and we wanted so much to believe it was right and oh my gosh how would we face the world if we admit we were actually wrong from the start??

so, why do we even need to solve the equation? do we even have to? well, if you ask me, i'd tell you right now that no, we don't have to. but to me, that would mean we'd have stopped living because we were just standing outside and looking at all these equations. so, all we'd be doing is looking but when we're not engaged in them, we're as good as dead. we find the need to solve these equations because we are ultimately seeking for that thing which makes us all ONE and WHOLE. that is the solution to the seemingly incomplete equations of our own lives. and we can't solve the equation by looking at it, we have to get wholy into it and do our workings, some erasing here, some additions there, some factorising here, some calculations there, some subtraction here, some multiplication there....

so if it is right in our face, why do we have to search so hard and work so hard to find it?? i'm not so sure. but maybe it's because we don't know how to see it? or have merely forgotten how to? or is it that we have built equations after equations over those that already exist? or did we have the solution all along, from the beginning, only to forget where we placed it? you do the math.

well, i was walking past this bookshelf which i always walked past and wanted to stop at but never did while walking to my new favourite place in the SMU library to wait the rain out. only this time, i stopped. and i picked out some books and one of them was about st. augustine and his works. i was just browsing through the introduction and my eyes chanced upon these paragraphs. i didn't read more before or after it but it seems to say alot about what i'm (not very concisely) trying to say.

"two realities dwell in the center of augustine's thinking: blessedness (beatitudo) and word (verbum). it is commonly recognised in augustinian scholarship and evident in augustine's writing that blessedness is a, if not the, magisterial idea. but before blessedness is an idea, thought or a word spoken, it is the object of irrestible, universal human desire. human spiritual life is at center, for augustine, a matter of will; and will is first of all desire. and finally, the willing or desiring of blessedness is so central and all pervasive that it informs and drives every single act of willing or desiring. whatever and whenever, according to augustine, we desire, we seek blessedness. human becoming is desiring; and all desiring, wittingly or unwittingly, is the desiring of blessedness, namely of human-being. desire, then, is equivalent with human activity in time, and both are defined by their inevitable and only appropriate object; blesseedness. so, too, word is quivalent with human activity. augustine imagines every human activity, which is to say, every human willing and desiring as the uttering of the word. human becoming in all its moments and metamorphoses unfolds toward these two realities: blessedness and the word. "

and somewhere else on the same page...

"blessedness, as aristotle understands it, is inseparable from being, and being is inseparable from activity. to be blessed is simply to BE full, to be fully real in accord with one's nature. to be blessed is to be bless with and in the fullness of one's being, the fullness of one's reality. becoming represents a condition of desire, unreality, and possibility; noone is blessed within the condition of becoming. to be blessed is to be fully actualised, to be without desire in the midst of one's full human realisation. blessedness is being and being is being-in-act (energeia). thus these three question - what is human blessedness? what is human being? what is human activity? - are all one convergent central question for aristotle."

ok, then it goes on to talk about all those questions. and a whole lot of other things....well, it does lead me to another thought. that, what if we have been given the solution time and again? but perhaps, why we still don't know it is because we are not experiencing it..? and as a school of thought flows, to know something is to experience it. so, perhaps it is not just discussing the solution or formulating theories about it (though i believe they are nevertheless significant). it is fundamentally about, well, experiencing it...to BE.

well, i really have to go pee because i've been controlling like crazy in the process of typing this loooooooong (perhaps the longest i've ever posted) post so...the end. thank you for reading!

god BLESS!

Goodnight, to every little hour that you sleep tight
May it hold you through the winter of a long night
And keep you from the loneliness of yourself
Heart strung, is your heart frayed and empty
’cause it’s hard luck, when no one understands your love
It’s unsung, and I say

Goodnight, my love, to every hour and every day
Goodnight, always, to all that’s pure that’s in your heart

Goodnight, may your dreams be so happy and your
Head lite with the wishes of a sandman and a night light
Be careful not to let the bedbugs
Sleep tight nestled in your covers

The sun shines, but I don’t
The silver rain will wash away

And you can tell, it’s just as well

Goodnight, my love, to every hour and every day
Goodnight, always, to all that’s pure that’s in your heart

-Farewell and Goodnight by The Smashing Pumpkins

i like this pumpkins song. boy do they know the perfect recipe for melancholy.

but mopey melancholy aside, this song brings to mind the little child in each of us who so foolishly believes in and hopes for a better world, a world where everything is pure and good and malice is nowhere to be found. and so that child in us closes its eyes to the world and with this lullaby, is carried away by its dreams into a perfect one, one that is good and whole.

did i say "foolish"? yes, it may be foolish to believe in such a world but i know it exists (was that a circular argument?). perhaps the real foolishness comes when i choose to close my eyes to what is. but today, i think i just want to sleep. and when i close my eyes, i don't want to be angry anymore. begone you bugs of misery nestled in my hair. when i close my eyes, i just want to remember all that is pure that is in my heart.

thy kingdom come, thy will be done.

stocks. growth rate. growth opportunity. retained earnings. 20%. discount rate. dividends. yadda yadda. ying yang wala wala bing bang. EPS. earnings per share. crick crack neck cracking. oh my gosh what is going on. oh my gosh i can't wait to go home and sleep in my bed in....TWELVE HOURS time!!!!!!

my future clearly does not lie in finance. that's the only thing i'm sure about in finance class right now.

questions...

when does too much become too much and an overkill? is it really just me? why couldn't my heart stay where it should have stayed? why can't my mind be where it should be? why do i feel so scared to fulfil "yes"'s which i so bravely said? will we ever really know? how will i get through the week...no, today? when can i ever read these books? i want to do them more than all these other things. why didn't you? why did i? what do i do now? what do i wear tomorrow? what should i bring to school? what should i pack? what do i do when i first wake up later? will i have time to do everything? when should i call them? where should i go? what is the restlessness saying to me? am i walking towards another deadend? am i forgetting someone or something? can i still remember my salsa steps? what about finance and MPW? why do i do the things i do or say the things i say? what am i waiting for? why am i still waiting? why do i ask these questions and run away from the answers?

because deep down inside, i know they're already there...but i'm afraid to see them.

(and yet, i must)

so happy chinese new year to all my chinese friends out there!!

so i guess it's a bit belated but chinese new year seems to go on for days anyway. singapore practically shuts down! serangoon gardens and many other parts of singapore turn into ghost towns and it's just a sprinkling of cars on the road. it's just...so strange. but cool, somehow.

chinese new year was fantastic for me this year (though i'm not chinese haha but what the heck, just another excuse to celebrate. that's the great thing about singapore!). while everyone was having their reunion dinners, my family decided we would have our own too and so i drove them down to holland village where we had some italian food. i had a chillian cod which was supposed to be chef's recommendations but it tasted like it wasn't cooked! and to think we paid a bomb for it! probably paid for the nice arrangements of the beans and carrots surrounding it. pffft! but the white wine was good. i gulped it down too fast cos they wanted to leave and was a bit woozy while walking out. haha.

after that, we decided to go to tcc for some desert and i had an oreo cheese cake. we shared quite a few laughs and it was nice considering it's been a while my family and i have really hung out since the india trip. i can't remember what we laughed about but it was all good and it's good to have my dad back after he was away working hard in australia for so long. seems people keep leaving out of the blue. you just never know. aunty (my maid) just suddenly left on sunday for india because her mom had a heart-attack and she'll be gone for 2 weeks at least, i think. i miss her already though it's been only one day. i think reno (my dog) really misses her too. so i try to shower as much love as i can on him. pravin will be leaving for the states this weekend too. he's going for a holiday there (good riddance!). hey, just kidding bro!

well, after desert, pravin decided he wanted to go to novena church for mass at 1030 (we were still at holland village at 1025). i aleady went for mass that evening but i chose to go again with him. i never knew they had such a mass at such a time on chinese new year. and i can say it was one of the most joyful masses i've ever been to! from start to end. the church was full so we sat outside under the stars and the night sky. for some reason, everything was sung out of tune and though it was supposed to be a holy and sacred one hour, pravin and i spent alot of it trying to stifle our laughter or stop it. and during the our father, pravin was just uncontrollable and probably giving the guy next to him a fright. he was shaking madly trying to stop his laughter and decided to pretend he was high on the holy spirit so that the guy whose hand he was holding wouldn't think he was mad and unruly. but pravin, you ARE mad! towards the end of mass, it was time for blessing of oranges. pravin and i didn't have oranges. then, they announced that they would be giving out free oranges before the blessing. so pravin and i, the only two non-chinese, walked up to the front to get our share. we didn't want to be left out! haha. somehow, everything about that mass was beautiful, because so many of us gathered there together, chinese or not, with good singing voices or none, with new clothes or old, with oranges or none..and we came together in one communion of love for...love!

and after mass, there was a lion dance in the church compound and it was the most elaborate and longest lion dance performance i've ever seen. but really interesting. pravin and i climbed up on to a platform so we could see the whole thing. and as we watched the lion, we kept cooing at it as we talked about how it reminded us of reno. it seems every animal reminds us of reno. even when we were in india, we would play with and pat stray dogs and coo at cows and goats and horses we saw on the roadside because they all reminded us of reno! i love reno! do you?

the lion dance was really interesting. and at one point, a really fat guy wearing a safron or yellow robe with a really funny-looking mask and holding a fan came out and started throwing oranges at people. we wanted one and were just waving for fun when he threw one towards us but the people infront were all stretching out for it so we didn't bother to catch it. and it landed with a splat right infront of us! and while we were laughing, some of the people infront rushed to get it.

after that, we met pravin's friends, and adjourned to liquid kitchen in serangoon gardens, where i hung out with them. and it didn't seem weird until i realised i was OLD! they were all about 17 or 18..and me, i won't be a teen anymore this year!! but it was alright. they're quite fun and funny people and i had a pretty nice time. =)

next day, we had lunch with some of my relatives. and as usual, alot of laughs were shared. that's what happens when you are with the pillais, especially in the company of the infamous twins! the sunday afternoon was spent lazing. and at night, jeevan and i went for dinner and decided to catch up on our bowling after dinner. i was doing great in the first round. but slacked in the second as jeevan caught up. sucky for me but i'm glad jeevan did well.

well, amidst all the hong bao giving and stuffing our faces silly, we should remember that ultimately it's a celebration of life and love and the people in it, a chance and a reminder to be thankful for all that we've been given and to give just as we have been, to love just as we have been loved...

very relaxed and joyful chinese new year for me (and i got my bak gwa!) but now, i am feeling slightly overwhelmed by the amount of work waiting for me to do!! there are just tooo many distractions all around me. songs! library books! vcds! bed! guitar! keyboard! internet! emails! my window! people! oh, who is in the mood for textbooks and homework??