to a hypothetical you and the specific you
i'm writing all this here because you can't even bear to look at me, like a thing which should be despised. you don't have to take a single word here seriously. after all, you've already made your mind up about who you are, who i am and who everyone else is. i've been doing some thinking this week and here's what i figured whether you care to know or not.
i'm done with bashing myself up and apologising for not being the way you want me to be. you know what? too bad. go ahead, call me all sorts of things. push all the old buttons. try new ones if the old ones aren't getting you the results you want. tell another story about something which happened years ago even after we've apologised for the 587th time. and yes, do remind us about all the things you've done for us. then go out there and act like only your day's been ruined and it's everyone else's fault. really, go all out. tell everyone noone understands you and then, do nothing to understand others. blog about the injustices of the world against you. use all sorts of four-letter words on whoever you please and act as though the world has come crashing down on you when someone says it to your face. i'm serious, go out there and label everyone as you see fit. hypocrite, emotional, punkass, plastics, girl with a load of psychology bullshit, first child who gets everything, whatever you please. then explode like an atomic bomb when even just one is used on you. no, i mean it, just go ahead. after all, it's your life, your words, your actions, YOUR choices.
and YOUR consequences.
you see, but are you really looking? you're hurt, but can you really feel? it's easy to feel sympathy for lonely old people and the victims of the blood diamonds craze when it's not you we're talking about. when it's not you who's to be blamed. it's easy to be blinded by anger when it's you injustice has occured against. it's not easy to immediately put yourself in the shoes of the ones you rage against. but so what if it's easy, or not easy?
for years and years and years.
but no longer. no longer will i be there to take it all in. anymore. from anyone. i'll talk to you still. i'll choose to understand you still. i'll love you still with no condition. but don't talk to me if you cannot respect me (you don't even have to like me). oh, and there's a difference between plain respect and authority.
new beginning new freshness.
Friday, January 26, 2007
i fell
today, i had a meeting in school at 5 and made plans to drive there (free parking after 5) but due to unforeseen circumstances, i ended up taking a cab there and reached pretty late. on the way, mr taxi-driver gives me an education about the IT business and CPUs and taoist funeral traditions and clans and what-not. finally we reach SMU and i whip out a 50 cos i have no small change (with a 2-day week, i don't really get to spend alot). he waits for me as i scramble to the meeting room to get something smaller. as i walk down the escalator to the 1st floor, i slip! i slipped on the escalator! there were 2 guys infront of me and 1 girl behind me and i think they were pretty shocked cos i slipped down a few steps and they looked really stunned and so was i. it was like in slow motion as the beads from my slipper scattered in all directions. still stunned, i just continued walking to the cab to hand the driver his money and told him to keep the change because i just wanted to go somewhere and hide and regain my composure. that was a close call man. thank goodness i didn't hurt my back or anything. but i have blue-blacks on my knuckles. that's never happened before. i don't know why i'm blogging this.
today, i had a meeting in school at 5 and made plans to drive there (free parking after 5) but due to unforeseen circumstances, i ended up taking a cab there and reached pretty late. on the way, mr taxi-driver gives me an education about the IT business and CPUs and taoist funeral traditions and clans and what-not. finally we reach SMU and i whip out a 50 cos i have no small change (with a 2-day week, i don't really get to spend alot). he waits for me as i scramble to the meeting room to get something smaller. as i walk down the escalator to the 1st floor, i slip! i slipped on the escalator! there were 2 guys infront of me and 1 girl behind me and i think they were pretty shocked cos i slipped down a few steps and they looked really stunned and so was i. it was like in slow motion as the beads from my slipper scattered in all directions. still stunned, i just continued walking to the cab to hand the driver his money and told him to keep the change because i just wanted to go somewhere and hide and regain my composure. that was a close call man. thank goodness i didn't hurt my back or anything. but i have blue-blacks on my knuckles. that's never happened before. i don't know why i'm blogging this.
random things in random order
there are these swings i walk past whenever i walk through the park to get to my house. i love particularly one swing there because it is a good height above the ground, perfect for a big baby like me (only i can call myself that!), and when you swing forward and up, you get this beautiful view above the bushes of the field and the sky infront. as i walked past it for the gazillionth time, i decided today was the day (that day). it was the perfect moment. the park was empty, the evening was cool and still bright, and i pretty much had all the time in the world. i put my bag and laptop down and i was up, up and away. not more than a month ago, i was doing the exact same thing by lake michigan (looks more like michigan ocean). i took this picture while on those michigan swings.
i like to take pictures of my shoes in different places. these shoes have been many places and seen me through so much. italy, india, germany, czech, hungary, america and wherever else i've missed out. i should begin a photo album just for these shoes.
this was in prague last may while paddling on the river.
maybe i'll put a link or slideshow here of last summer's photos. and melt and reenie goes to wildwood has been left with a hanging storyline...hmmmm...
back to swings in michigan. papa, jeevan and i had taken a morning stroll to the lakeshore that friday (i think). we found these swings by the lake and hopped on. this is a funny shot of jeevan and me!
jeevan flying off the swings.
the rest of the pictures we took in new york and chicago can be found on these photo slideshows below (click on the links for the full album).
The Mahtanis in New York Dec ’06
The Mahtanis in Chicago, Dec 06
ok back to the swings nearer home. if you walked past those swings that day, you'd have seen a girl taking pictures of her feet while swinging like a mad monkey! and this is what she captured...
.jpg)
enough about swings. lets move on to museums. last wednesday, my brothers came to fetch me from school in the evening and wanted a tour. little did we know that the tour would bring us to (into) the newly-renovated national museum. we were really, really, really impressed. and furthermore, we got in for free. it was a darn good deal. here are some random pictures. here you go, prav.
in the fashion gallery...
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in the food gallery. the bottles contain all sorts of spices and if u see a flower like thing sticking out next to me, it's actually this cool contraption where you pull this ring and put your nose over the flower-looking thing and get to smell that particular spice.
.jpg)
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there were other really interesting stuff there as well and for a while, we felt like we were back at MoMA (museum of modern art) in new york. great job!
and yesterday, my mom got back from the states. she brought back a whole lot of goodies. she actually went there for work but on the way back, even her boss had to help her hand-carry some stuff onto the plane! madness! but it's all good! and here's one of the treasures she brought back, kindly donated by a couple in san francisco (maurice and seana, if you ever come here, thank you!).
we present to you...
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.jpg)
the TEN-POUND bar of belgium chocolate!!!
after deliberating for the longest time deciding what to do with it, we decided to eat it. we came up with an ingenius plan. we'd slice a few pieces each week and store the rest. i think this bar could last us till june!!! NOT!!! chocolate doesn't last long in the mahtani's fridge. we're like vultures around chocolate!
isn't this insane? with a chopping board and everything. it really takes alot of effort to do this...
.jpg)
aside from swings and museums and chocolates, i am feeling much better now. it's good that i realised the mess that was cluttering my mind and cleared it up. noone said springcleaning was easy.
there are these swings i walk past whenever i walk through the park to get to my house. i love particularly one swing there because it is a good height above the ground, perfect for a big baby like me (only i can call myself that!), and when you swing forward and up, you get this beautiful view above the bushes of the field and the sky infront. as i walked past it for the gazillionth time, i decided today was the day (that day). it was the perfect moment. the park was empty, the evening was cool and still bright, and i pretty much had all the time in the world. i put my bag and laptop down and i was up, up and away. not more than a month ago, i was doing the exact same thing by lake michigan (looks more like michigan ocean). i took this picture while on those michigan swings.
i like to take pictures of my shoes in different places. these shoes have been many places and seen me through so much. italy, india, germany, czech, hungary, america and wherever else i've missed out. i should begin a photo album just for these shoes.
this was in prague last may while paddling on the river.
maybe i'll put a link or slideshow here of last summer's photos. and melt and reenie goes to wildwood has been left with a hanging storyline...hmmmm...
back to swings in michigan. papa, jeevan and i had taken a morning stroll to the lakeshore that friday (i think). we found these swings by the lake and hopped on. this is a funny shot of jeevan and me!
jeevan flying off the swings.
the rest of the pictures we took in new york and chicago can be found on these photo slideshows below (click on the links for the full album).
The Mahtanis in New York Dec ’06
The Mahtanis in Chicago, Dec 06
ok back to the swings nearer home. if you walked past those swings that day, you'd have seen a girl taking pictures of her feet while swinging like a mad monkey! and this is what she captured...
.jpg)
enough about swings. lets move on to museums. last wednesday, my brothers came to fetch me from school in the evening and wanted a tour. little did we know that the tour would bring us to (into) the newly-renovated national museum. we were really, really, really impressed. and furthermore, we got in for free. it was a darn good deal. here are some random pictures. here you go, prav.
in the fashion gallery...
.jpg)
.jpg)
in the food gallery. the bottles contain all sorts of spices and if u see a flower like thing sticking out next to me, it's actually this cool contraption where you pull this ring and put your nose over the flower-looking thing and get to smell that particular spice.
.jpg)
.jpg)
there were other really interesting stuff there as well and for a while, we felt like we were back at MoMA (museum of modern art) in new york. great job!
and yesterday, my mom got back from the states. she brought back a whole lot of goodies. she actually went there for work but on the way back, even her boss had to help her hand-carry some stuff onto the plane! madness! but it's all good! and here's one of the treasures she brought back, kindly donated by a couple in san francisco (maurice and seana, if you ever come here, thank you!).
we present to you...
.jpg)
.jpg)
the TEN-POUND bar of belgium chocolate!!!
after deliberating for the longest time deciding what to do with it, we decided to eat it. we came up with an ingenius plan. we'd slice a few pieces each week and store the rest. i think this bar could last us till june!!! NOT!!! chocolate doesn't last long in the mahtani's fridge. we're like vultures around chocolate!
isn't this insane? with a chopping board and everything. it really takes alot of effort to do this...
.jpg)
aside from swings and museums and chocolates, i am feeling much better now. it's good that i realised the mess that was cluttering my mind and cleared it up. noone said springcleaning was easy.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
there's a line from ub40's higher ground that keeps resounding in my mind. the more i learn, the less i know about before. these days, i feel lost. i feel like my magic carpet's been swept from under my feet and i'm the process of falling, floating between the sky and the ground and i haven't hit my head or cracked my ass yet on the cold concrete.
i realised that i have this constant need to know whether the things i've done are right or wrong. i need validation always. and what happens when validation differs from one person to another? what if i'm invalidated and told i should be someone else i find so hard to be? world, do you know what i've been doing? i make myself wrong and apologise for who i am. and with everyone telling me so many different things, can you just imagine how many times and for how many things i've apologised for? do i have a right to be angry? or am i wrong to be angry? do i have a right to say anything i want? or am i wrong for not considering that the one thing i say might hurt you as harmless as it seems to me. should i do this? or should i not? right wrong right wrong.
and what really is bugging me right now is this. without all these validations from all these validating people, who is shireen? what would shireen do? what would shireen choose? it's a scary thought.
and the other thing that bugs me is this. i could swallow all my pride, go to the ends of the earth for someone, allow someone to push my buttons like mad and call me all sorts of things and when i make one mistake or have a flaw pointed out to me of which i can do nothing about, at the end of the day, i find myself apologising for EVERYTHING, really believing that i was wrong all along. i gather evidence to prove it even. how crazy is that?
i am feeling very tired now. lost. confused. stoned out. and very alone. i don't know who to tell all this to. it's one of those days i really am not so sure who i am. and i have all these decisions to make. internships, exchange, my future, what i want. i don't really feel like being around anybody. i'm sick and tired of validating myself by other people's yardsticks. and you know what, i can even imagine right now certain people who might be reading this post later (if ever) who might be shaking their heads at how weak and emotional and silly i am, telling me this is all my fault, but you know what, i don't really feel like caring about what you think right now. just let me be.
yet, as angsty as this post may seem, i'm also thankful for these "jagged little pills". alanis couldn't have put it better. and now, time for some ub40 to end of this post on a bittersweet note.
Moon and stars sit way up high
Earth and trees beneath them lie
The wind blows fragrant lullaby
To cool the night for you and I
On the wing the birds fly free
Leviathan tames angry sea
The flower waits for honeybee
The sunrise wakes new life in me.
And every hour of every day I'm learning more
The more I learn, the less I know about before
The less I know, the more I want to look around
Digging deep for clues on higher ground
The fishes swim while rivers run
Thru fields to feast my eyes upon
Intoxicated drinking from
The loving cup of burning sun
In dreams I'll crave familiar taste
Of whispered rain on weary face
Of kisses sweet and warm embrace
Another time another place
And every hour of every day I'm learning more
The more I learn, the less I know about before
The less I know, the more I want to look around
Digging deep for clues on higher ground
i realised that i have this constant need to know whether the things i've done are right or wrong. i need validation always. and what happens when validation differs from one person to another? what if i'm invalidated and told i should be someone else i find so hard to be? world, do you know what i've been doing? i make myself wrong and apologise for who i am. and with everyone telling me so many different things, can you just imagine how many times and for how many things i've apologised for? do i have a right to be angry? or am i wrong to be angry? do i have a right to say anything i want? or am i wrong for not considering that the one thing i say might hurt you as harmless as it seems to me. should i do this? or should i not? right wrong right wrong.
and what really is bugging me right now is this. without all these validations from all these validating people, who is shireen? what would shireen do? what would shireen choose? it's a scary thought.
and the other thing that bugs me is this. i could swallow all my pride, go to the ends of the earth for someone, allow someone to push my buttons like mad and call me all sorts of things and when i make one mistake or have a flaw pointed out to me of which i can do nothing about, at the end of the day, i find myself apologising for EVERYTHING, really believing that i was wrong all along. i gather evidence to prove it even. how crazy is that?
i am feeling very tired now. lost. confused. stoned out. and very alone. i don't know who to tell all this to. it's one of those days i really am not so sure who i am. and i have all these decisions to make. internships, exchange, my future, what i want. i don't really feel like being around anybody. i'm sick and tired of validating myself by other people's yardsticks. and you know what, i can even imagine right now certain people who might be reading this post later (if ever) who might be shaking their heads at how weak and emotional and silly i am, telling me this is all my fault, but you know what, i don't really feel like caring about what you think right now. just let me be.
yet, as angsty as this post may seem, i'm also thankful for these "jagged little pills". alanis couldn't have put it better. and now, time for some ub40 to end of this post on a bittersweet note.
Moon and stars sit way up high
Earth and trees beneath them lie
The wind blows fragrant lullaby
To cool the night for you and I
On the wing the birds fly free
Leviathan tames angry sea
The flower waits for honeybee
The sunrise wakes new life in me.
And every hour of every day I'm learning more
The more I learn, the less I know about before
The less I know, the more I want to look around
Digging deep for clues on higher ground
The fishes swim while rivers run
Thru fields to feast my eyes upon
Intoxicated drinking from
The loving cup of burning sun
In dreams I'll crave familiar taste
Of whispered rain on weary face
Of kisses sweet and warm embrace
Another time another place
And every hour of every day I'm learning more
The more I learn, the less I know about before
The less I know, the more I want to look around
Digging deep for clues on higher ground
Friday, January 19, 2007
yesterday, i was on the train and i heard the opening guitar riff of this song before my ipod died on me. snow patrol's somewhere a clock is ticking. the song died before the words could be sung and i found myself continuing the song in my head. only thing was, i was singing one line over and over again...
"in slow motion, the blast is beautiful.."
like a record that got stuck somewhere and kept repeating a particular line over and over again.
the day still looked gorgeous and i couldn't wait for the rest of it. perhaps i'd go play on the swings before i walk home, maybe wave at mervin as his bus passes me by, even a nice drive with amama and my brothers later on, followed by a nice chat with mervin later...
then, i really have no idea how it got so bad. i didn't want it to get so bad. the only thing i wanted was for you to stop. i didn't care about the car anymore. i didn't know why you were saying the things you did and you could see it was making me mad but you just didn't stop. i threw the plate on the floor (i didn't want to throw it at you, i just needed to bang something, make a loud noise), i shouted a string of words of which i don't remember a single one except F and i ran out of the house.
"in slow motion, the blast is..."
i just wanted you to stop. your words really cut me, they were so uncalled for. it was just a bloody car. but still, i could have handled it better. i already said it to you but i'll say it again. i shouldn't have thrown that plate, i shouldn't have used vulgarities and now, i think, i shouldn't have run away. i acknowledge what i've done. and i acknowledge that because of what happened, a line of other upsets occured of which i really never intended to happen. while i am sorry for the things i've done, you know that all our hands are stained in this because not one of us chose to be loving or gracious. and right now, it really doesn't matter anymore who's right and who's wrong because at the end of the day, you'll believe what you believe and i'll believe what i believe and he'll believe what he believes. peace won't be attained through persuasion and blame. only through building bridges together. whether it is the iraq war or just a stupid petty sibling fight over some metal and leather.
what happened has already happened. i can't take back my disgusting words or rewind the motion of the metallic plate hitting the marble with the mutton bones flying everywhere. you can't take back your words or your actions either. life is not a blog where we can delete a badly-written post. things happen and people are the way they are and the grass is green the way it is green. i accept everything you are and are not. lets be friends (all of us). i'd love you to be mine.
p.s. and to mervin, papa, jeevan and aunty who were also upset as a result of all this and my actions, i am truly sorry and thank you for being so patient with me.
"in slow motion, the blast is beautiful.."
like a record that got stuck somewhere and kept repeating a particular line over and over again.
the day still looked gorgeous and i couldn't wait for the rest of it. perhaps i'd go play on the swings before i walk home, maybe wave at mervin as his bus passes me by, even a nice drive with amama and my brothers later on, followed by a nice chat with mervin later...
then, i really have no idea how it got so bad. i didn't want it to get so bad. the only thing i wanted was for you to stop. i didn't care about the car anymore. i didn't know why you were saying the things you did and you could see it was making me mad but you just didn't stop. i threw the plate on the floor (i didn't want to throw it at you, i just needed to bang something, make a loud noise), i shouted a string of words of which i don't remember a single one except F and i ran out of the house.
"in slow motion, the blast is..."
i just wanted you to stop. your words really cut me, they were so uncalled for. it was just a bloody car. but still, i could have handled it better. i already said it to you but i'll say it again. i shouldn't have thrown that plate, i shouldn't have used vulgarities and now, i think, i shouldn't have run away. i acknowledge what i've done. and i acknowledge that because of what happened, a line of other upsets occured of which i really never intended to happen. while i am sorry for the things i've done, you know that all our hands are stained in this because not one of us chose to be loving or gracious. and right now, it really doesn't matter anymore who's right and who's wrong because at the end of the day, you'll believe what you believe and i'll believe what i believe and he'll believe what he believes. peace won't be attained through persuasion and blame. only through building bridges together. whether it is the iraq war or just a stupid petty sibling fight over some metal and leather.
what happened has already happened. i can't take back my disgusting words or rewind the motion of the metallic plate hitting the marble with the mutton bones flying everywhere. you can't take back your words or your actions either. life is not a blog where we can delete a badly-written post. things happen and people are the way they are and the grass is green the way it is green. i accept everything you are and are not. lets be friends (all of us). i'd love you to be mine.
p.s. and to mervin, papa, jeevan and aunty who were also upset as a result of all this and my actions, i am truly sorry and thank you for being so patient with me.