i gotta get me one of those!

Messerschmitt KR201 1958great family car, huh? like the jetsons in the 1950s.

Inter 175A Microcar

i adore this. like driving a mini boat on land. it's so tiny that with one little headlight at the front, this car could probably be mistaken for a torch light.

1956 Avolette Record De Luxe

is it me or does this car just make you happy?

1958 Goggomobil Transporter
(you have to check out the other automobiles at this site!!)

seriously, all vans should look like this.

1958 Heinkel

super stylo!

BMW Isetta 250

if all police cars looked like this, criminals would be on-the run...towards them instead.

Honda Puyo

click the link and read about it! it's really funny. trust the japanese! =)

Brutsch Mopetta

swooooooooooon!!!

and yes, they're real cars.

these eyes

so there are actually other people who see this static. it's called "visual snow". i only see it in the dark but according to that website, there are people who see it all the time. i do sometimes experience those increased afterimages or trails though. they seem to float up and down for a while, longer than they should according to what i read about persistence of vision and the sensory memory in my cognitive psych text. i find these trails quite fascinating. and do you sometimes see a black spot that seems to be in the centre of vision wherever you look? i do and it seems like i'm not alone.

and you know what's funny? i made a disclaimer in the post below that i wasn't on lsd. the visual snow website indicates that phenomena associated with visual snow also occurs in people who are on certain drugs, including lsd. =O

in other news, i'm sure by now you must have heard or read about the austrian man who locked his daughter up in a hidden cellar in his house and fathered seven children with her? in the papers today, lydia gouardo, a french woman, describes how she suffered a similar ordeal for 28 years, but what blows my mind is what she says at the end of that article and i am immediately ashamed of myself for not wanting to wake up in the morning sometimes, for wishing death or wasting my life away in despair.

Barely literate, unemployed, she hides her burn scars under long-sleeved clothes - but says she is happy to have survived.

"When I think of what I've been through, I wonder how it's possible. Every day when I open the front door, I take a deep breath.

"I live from day to day. But I love life. When people complain, I say life is beautiful," she told RTL.

"I am fighting back now. When a bill comes through the door, I am happy. I am here, I exist."

what grace she must have to say such a thing. those such as her, they are our real-life everyday heroes.

lying in bed with the lights off and the curtains open, i stare up at the ceiling, wondering whether if i try hard enough, i can see colours in the dark, whether i can see an invisible world parallel to the one i'm in. and for the first time i noticed that in the dark, everything looks like it is covered by static, infinite specks of black and white. amazed by this new discovery, my eyes dart around the room, from the walls to the cupboard to my blanket to the space in between everything and the "static" is still there. is this normal? do you see the same thing lying on your bed with the lights off and the curtains open, staring at your ceiling?

and no, i'm not on lsd or whatever. goodnight!

dear god,

thank you for the Dark Night. without it, i cannot know faith. and whilst i cry out for a hand to hold on to and keep me from drowning in despair, i know that i can never fully know faith like this if i am not alone. many times, i cry out to you, asking you when this will end. i lash out against the people who i love and who love me, asking why they were not there. but today, i have woken up to a new day and you allowed my eyes to pour over the words of a simple book you led me to and i am affirmed, encouraged, to not give up, to not lose hope, and to embrace my Dark Nights. to not know what should happen next and yet move forward with courage. to love without fear. i surrender this day to you. be with me in my choices.

love,
reenie

i can't sleep.

i sometimes wonder, what is it like to go to sleep with a big smile on my face? i'm sure i must have done so before. but it feels like it's been too long, so long that i've forgotten what it's like.

as i lay my head on the pillow, i wonder whether i will get lonelier and lonelier from this day on. i start planning when i want to secure a job and what i should do for income till then and then i'm hit with the realisation: who am i going to enjoy with? i think about what i'm going to do when (if) i wake up tomorrow and i can't even get past the morning without feeling empty. bit by bit, i feel the walls caving in on me till it is just me. no voices, not even the sound of static or the universal hum. just my breathing.

some people said today (not for the first time), "i come to your blog, i read the first line and i want to off my computer," as a humour-intended passing comment about the length of my posts. "i don't understand what you are writing, i don't know whether you are happy or sad". i don't know either sometimes. but the irony of their jabs, what they didn't know, and will never know, because they probably never will get to this line, is that that's pretty how much i feel about my life these days. i feel like i'm just shrinking, shrinking, shrinking. till i'm not even worth a glance or ear anymore.

i could probably get used to it. i don't think so. i'm gonna try to get some sleep.

"baby's black balloon makes her fly..."

on sunday, i was at a workshop (vocation discernment tools) and to keep awake, i started doodling in my notebook. it started with your normal average garden, which suddenly started spouting balloon plants (the "flowers" were balloons and the "leaves" were ribbons), one of which was then given by a boy to his lover, who then floated into the sky together, further boosted skywards by a whole bunch of balloons which had gathered below their feet. the doodling took on a life of its own to create a whole balloon planet whose occupants had wandered towards other parts of the universe. for example, there was a man (holding on to a bunch of balloons) walking his dog on, i don't know, jupiter? and of course, you can't leave out saturn because it has so much character (my favourite planet!). on one of its rings, a lone young man (holding on to a bunch of balloons) sits pondering, watching his planet far below him. a young lady (holding a bunch of balloons) hangs on to a star, which does not burn in her hands. a couch potato (with balloons tied to his couch) floats across the sky watching the best show of his life. as these ideas flowed out of my pen, i grew to love it more and more and decided that it would be my first paint "masterpiece".

the next day, i got to work. after having meticulously transfered my doodle onto the nervous new sheet of paper, i began my quest to become the next monet. not that i'm a huge fan of water colours but that's what papa got me so i was determined to kick some water colour ass! since monday, painting has taken on a whole new meaning for me. and i don't think i would have experienced this if i had not started with water colours. you see, painting with water colours (lets call it WC, haha) is really tedious. if its too watery, you smudge other parts. you can't paint your background first because it would be hard to paint things on top of it. because of that, you have to be so so careful when painting around all your people and balloons and trees and boats and whatever during the background stage. and then there's the issue of painting the little things. like the little people or the little ribbons (leaves of the balloon flowers) or the doggie's little face and for something so small and perhaps insignificant to an observer, it sure takes your utmost concentration. which was an experience of awe and wonder for me. it made me ponder the conception and creation of my very own existence.

i mean, like me, i'm sure you might sometimes look into the sky or at the sea and be blown away by the vastness and immensity of this universe and for that moment be throughly overwhelmed by the smallness of your being. how out there, here, in this universe, you must be nothing but a mere speck of dust (from dust we come and to dust we shall return). all these feelings that drench you, all these moments that create the life you live, all these words you say, all those thoughts, all these attempts to survive, to find meaning, to discover truth, to fight for what you love and believe in...how small they all must seem!

but why don't you try painting small people in WC? why don't you try painting little ribbons attached to strings attached to balloons in WC? and then, instead of despairing or belittling the smallness of your being, you will be overwhelmed by it instead! because sweeping a crimson-stained brush across a sunset sky is NOTHING compared to painting the whiskers on a little doggie. marvel at the precision and care that was taken for you be created exactly the way you are, whether you are a shireen or a joyce or a nash or a reno (if you see your name here, it's probably a result of divine inspiration or erm, sporadic thought!) of course, do not then scoff at sunsets and seas and stars and saturn! let the colours, the vastness and the brilliance sweep you off your feet. wonder at how they're never the same each moment and yet beautiful all the same.

well, now that pravin is back from new zealand, he's introduced me to the world of acrylics and of course, put an end to my delusions of being some kind of artistic prodigy! while painting now seems more daunting than ever, especially in the presence of someone worthy of the title, "artist", it's also really refreshing to learn about the variety of colours, strokes and techniques one can use with just a few tubes of paints and a couple of brushes. rather impressive even! i can't wait to wake up in the morning and try it all out! i didn't just now because when i started, the sheet fell of the easel and toppled the cup of water which spilled all over the floor which sent me into a panicked frenzy to save my painting and the floor! haha. also a sign to stop because i was really tired and pravin had just said before that, that painting while you are tired subconciously makes you bo chap (can't be bothered) and can be seen in your painting. painting, though releasing and random, is indeed a deliberate and intense process. the story of creation.

if you've succeeded getting to this part of the post, you sure won't regret it. here's why. i mentioned at the start of this post that i had been doodling this picture on sunday, and to add on, during the sleepiest parts of a sunday afternoon. now, today i'm scanning the papers, and i read about this catholic priest from brazil who, to raise funds, tied himself to a humongous bunch of helium-filled balloons and flew up, up , up into the sky to beat his previous record of flying with 600 balloons. the priest is now LOST!!! here's a scary fact, the priest flew up into the sky on sunday, the same day i had the mad inspiration to draw a pageful of people flying across the sky hanging on to balloons!! i didn't know whether to laugh or cry reading this article. this priest had actually shown that this crazy dream of mine was possible and not trivial enough to not be attempted (i'm sure others must have tried this but i haven't come across their stories yet). i really do hope that he is safe and does get found though! you can read about it here.

p.s. a select few will be privy to the finished piece and if it's GOOD, you guys MAY get to see it here. =P
p.s.2. go to flickr.com, search "balloons" and be blown away!
p.s.3. i finally figured out a way to stop kings of convenience from always receiving the spotlight on this blog!!! enjoy the songs. will add more soon.

a good kind of ache

Let me sail, let me sail, let the Orinoco flow,
Let me reach, let me beach on the shores of Tripoli.
Let me sail, let me sail, let me crash upon your shore,
Let me reach, let me beach far beyond the Yellow Sea.

From Bissau to Palau - in the shade of Avalon,
From Fiji to Tiree and the Isles of Ebony,
From Peru to Cebu fear the power of Babylon,
From Bali to Cali - far beneath the Coral Sea.

From the North to the South, Ebudae into Khartoum,
From the deep sea of Clouds to the island of the moon,
Carry me on the waves to the lands I've never been,
Carry me on the waves to the lands I've never seen.

We can sail, we can sail...
We can steer, we can near with Rob Dickins at the wheel,
We can sigh, say goodbye Ross and his dependencies
We can sail, we can sail...

Orinoco Flow by Enya

you know, i just love this space. from the photo above to the music to the colours to the words. don't get me wrong. i'm far from eloquent with a limited lexicon and my photography skills are probably in want and the music must seem so yesterday and my design skills are....what design skills. but all this together, it's just so...me. =)

well, if you really know me, at least the way i know me, then you'll understand.

in a few hours, i'll be back at shokudo. i'm definitely going for the sashimi and the bacon-wrapped asparagus. and i'll probably try something new. aaargh, what a headache. can't decide.

and oh yes, in a few hours, i'll be done with my final exam of my smu life. studying for cognitive psychology is pretty funny because in a way, you are kind of studying about how your mind absorbs, retains and processes things. so technically, it's like studying about how to study and then taking an exam on it. seriously, you have topics like memory, problem solving, reasoning and decision making....

ah, can't wait can't wait. to get round to serious business. like the beach holiday i've been drooling over. like playing ALOT of tennis. like going back to beautifying my purple room. like cooking. like reading storybook after storybook. like resuming my kampung cycling-swimming regime. like learning to do things like meditating, cooking (new stuff) and brushing up on my video editting. like spending more time with people i care about. like splashing some colours on the canvas lying beside my bed (papa et al. gave me a paint set, complete with easel and all for my birthday =D and yes, too much research proposing and psychology mugging has left the habit of going so-and-so et al firmly ingrained in me, ah my education!). and sooooo much more. and yea, i guess looking for a job as well.

ok i'm getting incoherent and carried away. and as i say this, i start to think about something i read in my language chapter for cog psych. well, this Grice fellow stated that there were 4 maxims for a conversation. quantity (keep it short and sweet), quality (self-explanatory), relevant (keep to the topic) and manner (to communicate in an orderly, coherent fashion). and as i appear to be failing to meet all 4, it's time to end this post. goodnight.

p.s. thank you for the surprise chocolates, mr pope groupie. you really learn fast (from papa M). chocolates are the cure and opium for all illnesses and dire circumstances. since i started with a smile, i shall end with one too, though that doesn't make sense. nothing does in this post. =)

the best birthday gift - learning to love

one of the most beautiful things about loving somebody is dying to yourself. it's times like these you realise that you're stronger than you know, that your frail and meager heart is capable of something bigger than you can ever imagine and that love indeed empties, heals, nourishes, fills, strengthens, emboldens, illuminates, cleanses, transforms, creates, soothes....frees. it's not easy, noone ever said it was. it's one of the most painful things you may encounter and you may want to give up halfway, even to the point of wishing you would die. but, there's nothing more important. nothing worth more. than to love and to forgive. every. chance. you. get. which is all the time, here and now. i wish i did it sooner. but i'm excited and looking forward now, to love, love, love!




p.s. this doesn't mean letting go of your self-worth and allowing yourself to stay trapped in a situation or relationship which batters it.

i'm kinda getting obsessed with that cloud thing. who wouldn't? after looking at this? i am inspired!

(a little preview)

part 1: scruppy

little scruppy the puppy will be returning home to his rightful owners tomorrow. he belongs to my cousin who went on a holiday with his family. little scruppy, what can i say? never has reno felt further and closer all at the same time as i bend down to ruffle his fur, pour water into his bowl, take him for walks.

and once again, i'm reminded of the beautiful warm feeling of returning home to a dog. the unconditional love! every time scruppy sees me, he welcomes me and goes totally wild like it's the first time every time! he jumps up, balancing on his two hind feet (which makes him look like a little toddler learning to walk) as his two front paws struggle to hold on to me, after which he goes into a licking frenzy. when i walk away, he lets out a torrent of high-pitched puppy yelps and attempts to bulldoze his way through the fence. every. single. time.

having scruppy stay with us these few days has brought back some colour into my life (he's really a wacko and immensely entertaining and eventually, highly lovable), given me one more lovely reason to wake up in the morning and come home in the evening, and taught me about accepting new events and people and things in my life. that nothing can ever replace what is gone (like my wonderful reno), but that everything and everyone is in fact unique and yet all one at the same time. none is better than the other. beauty lies in the perfection of all things, all perfect in itself and the whole.

part 2: from the second i hit the "publish post" button for this post...

from the second i hit the "publish post" button for this post, i will no longer go on facebook or msn for a week, maybe more. you can still contact me by email and sms though. and i will still blog here if i feel like it.

from the second i hit the "publish post" button for this post, i will withdraw into my cave for a week, maybe more. not forever, just for a while. while driving home in the rain just now, clarity washed over me. i need to be silent for a while. and for that, i will avoid being in positions where i so easily react. i know i said something like this a few posts ago, but well, it didn't really happen. i always give in at the last second. well, i'm going to try again. and succeed.

from the second i hit the "publish post" button for this post, i will clear up the junk yard that is my room and restore it to its initial glory, exuberating warmth and purple and me.

from the second i hit the "publish post" button for this post, i will put my mind to better use, such as studying for my exams next week, instead of picking at the scabs of my wounds.

alright, am i missing anything? well, if i am, i'll just add it to the chalkboard on my wall.

ok, lets go!

see the bedouin fires at night, see the oil fields at first light, see the bird with a leaf in her mouth, after the flood all the colours came out...

i want to disappear for a while, to evaporate and become a cloud, high above, illuminated in pink, blue, green, magenta, orange and gold by spectacular sunsets, floating on by around the world, away from everything, from words, angry silences, work, standards, boundaries, hurt, blame, anxiety, confusion, disillusionment, thoughts, cigarette fumes, mosquitoes, shavers, clothes, weighing scales, desires, restlessness, sighs. everything. to roll over mountains and rivers and deserts and oceans. to be closer to the stars, away from all the bright lights and computer screens. it would be so quiet up there, everything would be so so small and all i might hear is the wind. and i would just close my eyes and smile as the wind gently delivered me on, from one place to the next. i would probably start to miss home, crave company and feel restless again. i'd start thinking and wondering, have things changed? are you thinking of me? then i'd rain down, drop by drop, falling down down down, to the rooftops and car hoods and the pavements and the trees, seeping into drains, rivers, soil. and then, i will miss the sky and wish to be a cloud again. such is the cycle of tears, salty and intense. i long for the sea.

p.s. what a wonderful idea! i just saw this a few fridays ago and ran to the window screaming, "look at the clouds, look at the clouds!!!" for anyone and everyone who cared. i didn't know these had a name. iridescence. lovely. =)

in slow motion, the blast is beautiful

"I've got this feeling that there's something that I missed
(I could do most anything to you...)
Don't you breathe
Something happened, that I never understood
You can't leave
Every second, dripping off my fingertips
Wage your war
Another soldier, says he's not afraid to die
Well I am scared
In slow motion, the blast is beautiful
Doors slam shut
A clock is ticking, but it's hidden far away
Safe and sound"

- somewhere a clock is ticking by snow patrol

like a short-circuit. like an atom bomb. like fire crackers. it only takes a few seconds for sparks to fly. it only takes a few words to sink a ship or bomb a whole country to smithereens. or even worse, to break a heart. bang bang, we danced round each other, with a rhythm noone understood, to a song noone heard, except us. there's no meaning for it, just sounds and motions. bang bang, it was only a few seconds stretched out to what seemed like an eternity.

and all i really wanted to do was just put my arms around you and tell you that everything is ok. i know, yes i am aware. that i was the one who fired the first shot. i am deeply sorry.

to float away...

sometimes do you wonder
what is real strength of character
to stay or to run?

will the sun rise tomorrow? probably. will i rise to greet it? who knows.

why can't i feel it in my bones? i see flashes, glimpses from time to time. it makes me gleam inside. i go to bed with a smile. but, why have i never felt it in my bones? why has it always been merely a yearning to feel? i felt it in my bones once.

it's like being tossed about in a psychedelic spin of a never-ending circus full of pirouettes and prances, carousels and clowns. what is real?

i sometimes feel like i am not part of my body. during these times, i look at everyone, and i know they are not their bodies and suddenly, i feel as connected to a stranger or to my boss as i am to myself and to my mother or father. and then i think of you and everything becomes as real as it looks, encapsulated by bodies, jars, doors, once again. because you became distinct. and then, so did i. how should it actually be? i'm tired of trying to live according to what it should be. i just want to be. to be nothing and everything. to be so empty that i'm bursting with life, with love. to be a little speck of light and a big bright beam with my smile floating like a thin film over everyone and everything, over my lover and my friends and my family and all i've ever known and loved.

what will i do if i should greet the sun in the morrow? my eyes hurt.

april's fool

glancing at my handphone, a grin crept onto my face as i was on the 147 to school. "Tue 1-Apr-2008," it read. how could i forget, i thought. i can't let this day go by without playing a prank or five!

me (in an sms to melt): We got into amazing race! They just called!!

and then, i looked at my phone again and realised that it wasn't tuesday. oh s*it!

melt (in a phonecall like 1 minute later): (something along the lines of) are you serious?? oh my gosh!!!
me: (something along the lines of) you know what? happy april fools'. but actually i thought it was already 1st of april. i got the date wrong.
melt: (something along the lines of) raaarrrgh! my colleagues said it was probably an april fools' prank being the eve of april fools but aargh!
me: yar, so dumb! ok i'll tell you again tomorrow.
melt: no! it's ok!

how are we going to join amazing race??? already getting dates wrong and two hours in the sun is enough to melt us. i can't use the word, "melt", without having the image of melt (the person) conjured up.

ah, i am april's fool indeed. and i have company. happy birthday, eugene (the one voted on facebook as most likely to corrupt the minds of young children, not an exageration!)!!! have a good one! ;)