"update your blog!!!" and so i am doing so now, phaemie. haha. but you must know, the only update this blog ever gives is just the present state of my thoughts. and even that is not very reliable for my thoughts are constantly changing and flowing like water, with no definite shape or form.

yay! i got the window seat! i'm sitting in the library right now. i don't know how it happened. i never used to sit in school libraries. i used to HATE staying back after school was over. i thought it was such a silly thing to do. i thought people who did such things were crazy and needed a life. but i seem to be finding myself here almost everyday, and in the same location. the cubicles on the 2nd floor. i really love this place and the time i spend here. it's when i can have my own quiet time and be absorbed in my own world, listening to music, surfing, reading, studying, whatever...and well, now, i got the seat right next to the window in the corner and i like it...

we were flying to italy and it was nighttime. everyone was sleeping. i arose from my slumber and sneaked a peek out of the window as i customary did from time to time because when you get the window seat, that's what you should do or you might as well not sit there at all. so i turned my head and pressed my nose against the window and i looked away. then i looked back outside again. so i really wasn't dreaming! we were literally surrounded by stars! millions! uncountable! the most i'd ever seen right infront of me for real! i sat there for a while, astounded and in awe of how such beauty can ever exist. i felt as though it was all for me. everyone was sleeping or watching their movies in the darkness and stillness of the night, and there was shireen with her whole face squashed against the window, her mind already wandering far from her aeroplane seat.

i had to tell someone. i had to tell the world! i woke my whole family up. blurry-eyed, disoriented and slightly irritated, i made each one of them go to the window and look outside and i know all who saw were left in awe and wonder of those things that were beyond what they could ever fathom.

we were returning from italy. i was watching some movie and it was day time, so i pulled down the shades to block out the reflection on my tv screen. but that's so NOT what a window-seated person should do! being knocked to my senses, i pulled up the shades and my first reaction was, "is it real?!!" below me, mountains and glaciers and snow and ice were stretched out in all directions and pretty much resembled what a vanilla ice cream planet covered in chocolate sauce would look like to me. again, i made my whole family get up and take a look.

the next time i peeked outside, i again had to ask myself whether i was seeing right. but by then, i should have been used to such surprises. far below was just plain desert, desert and more desert! i have never seen a desert in my life, besides on tv and in magazines, etc, etc. i never knew it was so beautiful. the folds and contours, the brilliance of the golden sand, the vastness of the desert to the extent you could not see where it started and ended just simply left me breathless and gasping for air.

sometimes when i'm in my room at home, i sit by the window and just stare outside, observing the people walking in my lane, the cars on the main road, the traffic lights changing colour, the clouds, the birds on the rooftops and antennas, the sunset sky, the moon when it's really late at night, the kids sneaking out of their houses, the couple walking their dog, the maids washing the cars. you get a room with a window with a view, you better look out of that damn window as often as you can. or else you might as well not live in it at all.

windows are meant to at least be looked out from, if not to be opened. our eyes, ears, sense of touch, our whole body are windows for our soul to "look" out from and for others to look into, to experience life in this form. we have to pull apart the curtains from time to time.....

right now, there's really nothing much happening outside my window though. there's still the same tree, the same beige building, the same sky though perhaps the clouds have shifted making way for others...but i still make sure i take a glance out regularly from time to time. that's what you do when you get the window seat.you don't want to miss a thing....

for some time, i started to forget who i was. i started to stop seeing the beauty in me, only black holes filled with demons that would haunt me and others around me every second. i could not find anything redeeming about myself in your eyes. i felt myself just crumbling into nothingness infront of you as i tried desperately to find something to say, something to do, that would make you see i was worth it.

then i got tired and i stopped and took a look around, inside, outside. saw the mess i had left behind from some sort of sick self-mutilation with a foolish purpose behind it. realised how silly i was. no, actually, you didn't do anything to make me feel this way. i just kept feeling that i needed to prove something. then again, maybe if you had actually done something, it might have helped.

but it's ok. i don't hate myself anymore, even when i'm infront of you. i know that the fact i was born makes me worthy because nothing is a coincidence and god does not make mistakes. i am not angry and i don't hate you. i just got lost so much in you for a while that i forgot.

i don't really understand how these things work. i don't understand how alot of things work actually. but i'm trying to and i'm getting stronger and braver. and i don't fear you that much anymore and i want to know you more and love you....

***

you = people i used to be afraid of. sometimes, i just get so scared of people. i hate that feeling. fear is so crippling and so frustrating. there's so much love to give and it's frustrating cos it'll only ever remain inside because of fear, which is essentially the consequence of obsession with meaningless, irrational thoughts. i think i'm getting better...

***

i feel really good today. a certain sense of liberation. some days, my heart is heavy, filled with anxiety and worry. my mind is continuously troubled and i cannot see a happy ending. then all of a sudden, a thought springs into my mind and it makes everything else dissolve into nothingness. "what are you so afraid of? what do you fear? what IS there to fear?" and at once, a certain sense of calm and peace fills me. i don't know how to describe it well enough so you'd understand. it's like one moment you're falling helplessly in a whirlpool of life's complications, your heart beating with fear and anxiety as you anticipate the pain when you crash down at the bottom. then, suddenly, everything around you vanishes and it's all clear and calm. and instead of falling, you are now floating. you're being lifted up but you can't see by what or whom. you don't feel scared anymore. all you feel is pure bliss. it's just this sense of wonder and awe and complete trust. and you know you're a child again.

i look forward to these experiences in life. they're like random little pieces of heaven which occur when you least expect it them to. i know i can do this. i know i will get through it all.