Howard Hughes: Does that look clean to you?
Ava Gardner: Nothing's clean, Howard. But we do our best, right?
(from The Aviator)

friends and family still backstab each other, masking their devious intentions with sugary smiles. man and wife still hurt each other for years, each too proud and/or too afraid to apologise and give in. the children still sleep in though the sun has risen 3 hours ago. a strawberry falls to the floor but it's the last one left and the 3-second rule is evoked. girl falls in love with a boy and gives her whole heart to him only to have it returned in a mushy mess. the world around you is obsessed with superficiality while all you want is an ounce of truth. you slog your way through a project, an assignment, an exam and even when you are handing it in, you shake your head sadly at its lack of excellence. so should we bubblewrap our hearts and our minds? should we live in despair, struggling in the hollow, suffocating gap between dreams and reality?

are there little perfectionists in each one of us in some area of our lives where even a little imperfection is intolerable? areas which we struggle so hard to protect that we don't give others or even ourselves room to breathe? nothing's clean and that's the law of nature. a baby is born a rightful mess. it doesn't come into the world smelling like johnson's baby bath all wrapped up in warm towels. the amazon does not look like the botanical gardens with trimmed lawns and neatly arranged orchids. the clouds don't have taps to hold the water back when they are full. a downpour is released whenever, wherever, on whoever and whatever they please.

in this world, there is no perfect beauty, perfect intelligence, perfect hair, perfect painter, perfect song because perfection is not just the best, it is something that is infinite. and if infinity is not governed by concepts or walls, then all things perfect are infinite and thus one. only one is perfect, the source of creation. and creation is but the offspring of love. and if the source is infinite, then it is love that is infinite and who is that love but god who gives of himself in every creation?

nothing's clean. so what? even the most perfect unblemished one chose to dwell amongst the unclean. because perfect love makes no such distinction, and if perfection is to be strived for, then it should be love that is strived for.

hey, nothing's clean, but we try our best right?

witchi-tai-to, gim-mie-rah
whoa-rah-nee-ko, whoa-rah-nee-ko,
hey-ney, hey-ney, no-wah

water spirit feeling springin' round my head
makes me feel glad i'm not dead.

my exams will begin in slightly more than 12 hours. and yet i can't help but recall how beautiful this sunday was. i know i told mervin that i was tired and it seems like all i do is run around on sundays. what happened to sunday afternoon siestas? but thinking back now and running through the snapshots in my mind of the day gone by, i'm happy. from the moment i woke up this morning to the time i went to bed (i'm typing this from my bed now), all i've done is spend time with people i love. here are some of the scenes that were etched in my heart throughout the day...

after morning mass, we headed over to my grandma's house to celebrate grandparent's day (pravin says its another excuse for hallmark to make money) and the twin's birthday (a very early celebration).

godmama eileen with her beautiful new-born baby girl, sarah-ann, in a deep, peaceful sleep. babies, the smallest, most fragile things...yet, kings and queens amongst us, served hand and foot, dawn till dusk, and dusk till dawn...

lil samuel marching around in my grandma's slippers like some very important person with a very important mission. like? he is!

some kinda jamming session going on. the father-and-son pair (jodhi and samuel) and raj attempt to wow us with their impromptu "emo" ruckus...

the ladies (my aunt on the left and my mom on the right) busy serving us cake. women; always the ones to get things going around here. haha.

my uncle, joe. he's the man. you can't help but smile (or laugh till you tear) listening to the funny things he does without even intending to be funny.

my grandma (amama). they made me do my emo thing today (refer to "shireen is emo" link on sidebar) and amama got a shock. she thought that i was really crying (i was actually acting all "emo" over some chocolate cake nonsense (i couldn't think of anything better to talk about on the spot) which i shan't bother to elaborate now). we had a good laugh about that.

we also celebrated the twin's 25th birthday. little samuel helped to blow the candles off. didn't we all just love to do that like it was the most important thing in the world when we were young? haha. i still do.

so after amama's, it was off to mervin's for my usual sunday afternoon visit. the only photo i took with him just now turned out like this...

i smiled too big and showed off my chubby cheeks. he looked like he was preparing to eat me up or something. well, whatever. haha. where does all that time go when i'm with you???

next up was sheryl's birthday party...on a boat! haha. she wanted to share with us one of the things she loved most, the experience of being out at sea. see, the day still went on. obviously no studying was done today.

so here's sheryl. 21, at last. she's making a wish that all those who came even though they had exams the next day would get A+ for all their papers this week (that's what she claims).

here's a group shot of all of us. well, i didn't really know anyone before i got on that boat. but somehow, we had a lovely time and some interesting conversations. food was great too! see, i look like i'm ready to pounce on the cake even.

one of my oldest, and best, friends. look, we're even coordinated in our dressing without planning to be. i've done some really adventurous and exciting things with sheryl in the course of my life since i met her. i love her!

here's a tired but excited shireen, steering back to shore (i just wanted to pose with it but the captain/chef ordered me to turn it to park the boat seeing that i was already there and in the way of his job. one of my dreams came through, alas, for a few seconds).

the day began with a prayer. dear god, the day looks long and tiring but i praise and thank you for it and i know you'll bring me through and make it all good. good? it was more than great! just before diving into the heat of exams, i'm reminded of the most important things in life. i don't want to forget.

we really should have a proper closure for melt and reenie go to wildwood. i mean, if we ever go back there. then we can have another blog entitled, "melt and reenie go to wildwood again" or something like that. soon, soon.

i was eating my dinner just now, a pretty late one, and i was watching this show on channel 5 after the news. it was talking about near death experiences. it's funny because there i saw father mike sitaram and dr. ang yong guan, amongst others. one catholic priest, one buddhist monk, one muslim cleric and one psychiatrist. dr. ang yong guan exlained near death experiences by describing the functions of each of the 3 parts of the brain and what happens when we are in a state of unconsciousness in near death experiences. the muslim cleric talked about divine intervention. the buddhist monk talked about karma and how near death experience is still not yet death. father mike talked about how he kept having dreams about playing basketball though he never did much in real life. dr. ang pointed out a freudian slip and they laughed. what do you do? what if you thought you saw heaven and it was not? what if you never believed in heaven and saw it? what do you do?

following that, i watched castaway from start to finish for the first time. it was so painful to watch for the most part of it. what do you do? what do you do when for 4 years, all you did was to think of the love of your life, gazing upon her face in a little photograph, day and night, fighting for the will to survive, only to come back and lose her...again? what do you do?

smashing pumpkin's appels + oranjes says it pretty eloquently.

what if the sun refused to shine?
what if the clouds refused to rain?
what if the wind refused to blow?
what if the seas refused to wave?
what if the world refused to turn?
what if the stars would hesitate?

what if, what is isn't true?
what are you going to do?
what if, what is isn't you?
does that mean you've got to lose?
digging for the feel of something new

what if the silence let you dream?
what if the air could let you breathe?
what if the words would bring you here?
what if this sound could bring you peace?

what if, what is isn't true?
what are you going to do?
digging for the feel of something new
what if, what is isn't you?
does that mean you've got to lose?

it came from your thoughts, your dreams and visions
ripped up from your weeks and indecisions

what if the sun refused to shine?
what if the clouds refused to rain?
what if the world refused to turn?
what if the clocks would hesitate?

what if, what is isn't true?
what are you going to do?
what if, what is isn't you?
does that mean you've got to lose?
digging for the feel of something new

does that mean you've got to choose?
the feel of something new
does that mean you've got to lose?
the thoughts you cannot lose
what are you gonna do?

sometimes, knowledge disappoints me. because sometimes i want so much to believe in some kind of magic. but magic is really, the consequence of deception, right? will dr. ang look at me now and say there's a freudian slip over here? will a real castaway somewhere still believe in life and love?

i would have probably been telling you all this if you were with me right now. and you would be listening to me like it's the most important thing in the world, no matter how silly, no matter how crazy and warped it all sounds even to myself. and then you'd smile or laugh with me or wipe away my tears should it sadden my heart so. and if you couldn't hear it, you'd tell me to write it all down because you don't want to miss anything. and i can't begin to describe how the goodness of your heart and the way you love me touches me so. i can't talk to you tonight. or tomorrow night. or tomorrow tomorrow night. i hope you're ok. i hope you're well. i miss you.

there i was, you know, studying for my consumer behavior test like any other tortured smu soul on a regular saturday afternoon and you wouldn't believe who came online on msn!!!



miss vasantham! i kid you not, dear reader. miss vasantham! for those out of the know, miss vasantham was a beauty pageant screened on vasantham central. so there she was, chatting with me! on msn! she's really hot and drop-dead gorgeous. unfortunately, she pales in comparison to reno rally royal. personally, i think he, i mean, she, is jealous of reno.

however, disturbed by the amount of attention she was getting(the fans were disturbed too), she immediately changed her msn nickname back to her original alter ego name, MP.

it's good to have you back. =)

somehow, i stopped sharing directly about important things over here. i seem to have become aware that people actually might be reading this. and i think, what if they know that what i really want most in life is to love god? what if they think i'm foolish for thinking and feeling the things i do? what if they call me a drama-mama and find me too intense? what if i said over here that i loved mervin? would they make fun of me? what if they know that i have insecurities from time to time about the way i look? what if they know i can be such a hypocrite sometimes? what if i said that sometimes i just don't care at all? what if i said that sometimes i did hate and get angry? what if i said that i'm afraid to raise my hand in class sometimes? what if they knew my thoughts could be dark and dangerous as well? would they run away from me?

but those are the things i really want to share, besides the doses of humour and randomness, which i also don't ever want to stop sharing; that's me as well. but just one side of. but if i only share just half or a quarter, this blog is nothing but some cnn or bbc website. why on earth do i want to maintain and upkeep a stage?? there are so many more important things to do!! so goodbye to all that i say. here's what i want to share today...

last week, i tried on mervin's glasses and the bitter realisation hit me that i've been seeing things more blurly than they appear. i didn't want to wear glasses, i thought. i didn't want to see my world through a frame, i whined inside. ok, so there was contacts but isn't it great to just open your eyes first thing in the morning and be able to see? so i was on the 147 going to school last week and i was looking out of the window and i thought, what if i go blind right here right now? who would help me? if i called my mom, how could she help me? i wouldn't even know where i was. then, i started thinking further. if i had gone blind there and then, the last time i ever saw the ones i love would be the last time i ever saw them, literally. and should i have a child next time, how sad it would be that i would never be able to see him/her. even the simple things. like not being able to watch a movie again, read, surf the net, or even just gaze at life outside the windows of a bus. it made me feel so sad i tell you. i reached school feeling like it was my last day to live because i suddenly had no idea whether i would be able to see my whole life.

it's funny though. i've been really frustrated last week. pms? i don't know. i know i was getting super pissed off with one of my project groups. it's funny the kind of holes we dig and bury ourselves in and feel justified for doing so. i was disappointed and upset easily. i had strong inclinations to block off the world and hide in my room, even from mervin whom i was waiting the whole week to see. all ths coupled with my sudden fear of going blind (imustsoundreallyneurotic(maybeiam)).

and then there i am sitting alone at mass on sunday morning and the gospel is read out and jesus heals the blind man who can't see yet recognises him. i feel a jolt because well, there's that connection. the night before i'm sharing my fear of going blind with mervin, and the next morning, of all the readings in the world, there you have it. jesus healing the blind man. but i still don't understand. what were you trying to tell me?

as the church emptied out after mass, i stayed back to pray for a while and this thought just hit me. that the greatest tragedy was really being blind to love. it was a "whoa" moment. like something breaking through the ice around my heart the past few days. the blind man was only sightless, but he was not blind in his faith. he recognised his savior.

but still, i started the week cold. monday was shit. everything succeeded in rattling me. at night, i was in church and we were shifting our stuff to the new room and i picked up this small little book from our so-called msc library. "prison or praise". i took the book and left the room. cue: "to be continued.." of a serial you're watching where a twist happens in the end.

so i started reading this book and it amazed me how someone could not grow tired in being thirsty for god. i was amazed by how people listened and had their eyes well up in tears when he spoke such simple words. but didn't jesus speak such simple words too? isn't there alot of common sense in the bible which we can get from "real life" anyway? what is it that transforms lives and makes people go down on their knees and give up everything for this one thing? could it be....cognitive dissonance? maybe, for some people. but what about those who've been cold and dead for years and are resurrected suddenly?

then last night, i was reading an sms i had sent to mervin back in march. i was reminded of a time when i had been in such a spiritual drought. it was a time when i really wanted to pray but couldn't and it was painful. i remember how afraid i was. i remember the dreams i had where i woke up in misery and despair thinking i had lost my lord forever. i remember feeling there was nothing more if i was lost from god. and i remember how much i had thirsted for god, even when i couldn't believe. and as i read that sms last night, i started to wonder, what happened to that thirst? i mean, i could still love, i could still feel. but somewhere, i had grown lukewarm again.

and just as well, last night we went to meet aunty marifei, this amazing lady from philippines who took care of us the last time a bunch of us were there. she had come to singapore for a few days. she's going back tonight. anyway, these days i just don't have the drive to go out for social stuff during weekdays anymore. it's just work, work, work. but i decided to go anyway(somehow, despite the mountainload of work piling up, i seem to have time and energy for other things). and what a meeting. i think of her and i think of tom petty's "walls".

Cause you got a heart so big
It could crush this town
And I can't hold out forever
Even walls fall down

and meeting her and listening to her share further reminded me of that thirst. neil young wrote about how he had been searching for a heart of gold. and here it was, embedded in this little lady who couldn't stop hugging us and telling us she loved us and blowing us flying kisses as we parted ways last night. she's simple, she speaks common sense, and yet why does she move us so?

I want to live,
I want to give
I've been a miner
for a heart of gold.
It's these expressions
I never give
That keep me searching
for a heart of gold
And I'm getting old.
Keeps me searching
for a heart of gold
And I'm getting old.

I've been to Hollywood
I've been to Redwood
I crossed the ocean
for a heart of gold
I've been in my mind,
it's such a fine line
That keeps me searching
for a heart of gold
And I'm getting old.
Keeps me searching
for a heart of gold
And I'm getting old.

Keep me searching
for a heart of gold
You keep me searching
for a heart of gold
And I'm getting old.
I've been a miner
for a heart of gold.

so well, it's one tragedy to be blind to love. and it's another to withhold love. that's what i'm trying to say in this one long post.

i love god, i love my family, i love mervin, i love my friends, i love aunty, i love reno and i don't want it to stop there. so much in this world misses love, has lost love, craves love. and i want to love with every fibre of my being and with all my heart, all my mind, all my soul and all my strength. no more crawling back into holes and hiding just because i'm afraid the world will reject me. seriously, there's so much loving to do! i'm not ready for the world? maybe. or maybe, the world's not ready for me. =)