i really hate editting. i think editting is such a hassle! right now, i have to edit my analytical skills individual assignment. 5-6 pages report where i'm supposed to critically analyse an essay and determine how sound or valid or logical it is. so last saturday, i overcame the strong repulsive forces of inertia which kept me procrastinating on this assignment for so long. so i finally managed to churn out my 5 pages of two-cents worth on what this dude called michael levin thought about torture.

i have to hand in my assignment tomorrow but i realise i have sooo much to edit because i typed my report out in a very messy and illogical way. looks as though i dropped my brain there with its contents and it went splat. and two days ago, i typed out my part for our MA group project and i just spit whatever i could out but editting after that was a chore which drove neil mad. thus, this is what i conclude.

if we do things with 100% effort and live as if we are determined to get it right the first time and not take time and second chances for granted, we would most probably be able to avoid this arduous task of editting. i should have kept this in mind when i started out my report instead of throwing out every single thing. i should have editted there and then after each sentence. that's the problem with procrastination and when it becomes a habit, it eats into everything. you let the mess pile up so much that cleaning up later is one big headache, or a few.

editting is a necessary part of life and perhaps i wouldn't have hated it so much if i did it more frequently. cut it away the moment i see it growing. add it the moment i know it should be there. when we wait too long, sometimes we don't even know where what is anymore and so it's hard to see what's wrong but we know it doesn't seem right overall. it's too much trouble to find all those small little mistakes so we just leave them there longer and longer. it's a vicious cycle. the only way to break it is to have one big overhaul. one big spring-cleaning session. empty out the whole wardrobe of crumpled clothes and fold each one nicely again.

ok back to my assignment. i must finish this! i must!

sometimes, in order to let go of the big things, we have to let go of the really small things. and i mean really, really small things. who would've thought something so small could cause your heart to stop for a few seconds? and it's painful to watch as the old life you once craved and perhaps still hold on to fades away bit by bit. and you feel really helpless and sad knowing all you can do is watch because holding on won't do you any good. the only good part about all this is hope. in the fact that all this is for some greater good and that if we trust and obey the flow, this river will lead us to something much more beautiful and lovely.

it feels like a punch in my stomach but i got through the toughest part so i'll get through this too....

u know how they say you're enjoying life when time just races past you? seems like time is breaking records in my life. however, there are some exceptions. see, at first i thought it was because i was really enjoying my days. (i am, actually)

BUT.

but i also think it's because there is just so much to do now. but that's not the reason. the reason is my terrible habit of procrastinating which i am not proud of at all. sometimes i procrastinate just to pass the time because i have lots of it. but now, i DON'T have lots of time but the habit has stuck and i am just counting the seconds till i'm done for if i don't do something. didn't someone say sloth was a deadly sin?

yesterday i almost choked and died while having dinner because of joyce. i can't help it. everytime i look up and see her whacko face or hear anything that comes out of her mouth, i am possessed by laughter. and why does it always have to happen when my mouth is full? it's painful! and there am i was trying to finish my food fast because all their parking coupons were expiring, and there they were trying their best to make sure i laugh my whole stomach out! evil!

and today at lunch, she was about to pull the same stunt again. i gave her a stern warning.

this morning when i woke up, i just lay on my bed for a really long time. there is just so much to do this week and the thought of all the things i had to finish just paralysed me and i lay like a vegetable on my bed. then i got up.

i'm sitting at my little cubicle on the library's 2nd floor by myself once again, lost in my own lttle "other world." imagine how many little "other worlds" there must be in this place, each separated by the wooden dividers that separate one cubicle from another. these "other worlds" aren't even that little if you ask me. they're infinite, as infinite as the universe because each is like a whole universe on its own. my gosh! that means that this place is really way bigger than it seems. it definitely stretches further than the white walls surrounding us and the low ceiling hanging over our heads. i want to get lost in everyone and find myself in them. i want to see the stars that light up their galaxies and the planets full of life that revolve around their hearts and pull them out of their black holes and swim in their oceans and...

ah, how i love these cubicles. these cell-like-looking things....they really set us free and allow us to be how we want to be and where we want to be, in a way...don't you think? =)

when you're in love, your world gets turned upside-down. your schedule goes haywire. your priorities get all mixed up. your heart always seems to be in knots. it's as easy to make you cry as it is to make you smile. you don't even see right anymore. basically, you get all messed up and undone inside.

so why do people keep falling in love anyway?

life was so much simpler and neater when we were all just friends. it was...easier! yet, why aren't we contented just being friends? why, when we already know the mess that will be created and the pain we will not be able to avoid if we do otherwise? what is it with us?

is it the law of the universe? entropy? everything tends to chaos? and yet everything tends to stability? huh? so is it in chaos that we are stable? free radicals zooming past each other at high speeds, then colliding into each other, till we get all charged up again? and then it repeats over and over again?

it's so strange, don't you think? reminds me of that song, Buses and Trains by Bachelor Girl some few years back. getting hit by buses and trains and wanting to do so again simply because it felt so good. whacked, huh?

relationships are one of the most perplexing and intriguing things i have ever come across. i'm world-class aunt agony for affairs of the heart but when it's my heart that's involved.....

ok it is time to start getting serious again. no more procrastinating! hello to early nights and lots of rest and no wasting time and picking up the books! goodbye to long afternoon naps and helpless drowsiness in class and crazy weekends! it's time to focus and put first things first.

econs. business law. managerial accounting. (analytical skills?) here i come. to attack all of you! attack!!!

from next week onwards, school will turn into my resort again and the old faithful library cubicle will become my hotel room once more. we will chill out at the vietnamese cafe during breaks and take short siestas after a chapter or two of pure blissful reading (mugging) and go for long walks in the beautiful gardens surrounding us (quadrangles and botanical gardens). aaaah, the joys of studying!

i'm sorry but i just have to be boring for a while. =P

aaargh!!! so sleeepy! i want to sleep! oh hurry hurry hurry!! only 4 hrs left to sleep!!! please let me sleep soon! please oh please oh please!!!!

u know...sleep deprivation is a form of torture. do you know how torturous it is to pretend to be awake and alert when you are dying to sleep? know how terribly strenuous it is to try to look really interested when all you wanna do is run to the toilet to steal a few minutes of sleep? oh sleep oh sleep oh sleep....please let me have some of you!

BIG YAWN over there just now. hope nothing flew in. i have nothing to do but talk crap now because i can't sleep yet. no it's not that i CAN'T sleep. but that i can't sleep because i have to wait for something. ok do you get it?

so well, this will be a very inane post. a very sleepy girl is typing this. lets see. well i got some of my hair chopped off a few hours ago. feels different. guess it feels lighter. but i feel more exposed. cos i always used to use my long hair to hide my face. it's pretty useful you know. like if you want to hide your laughter or cover your crying eyes or spy on people. made you feel less exposed cos it covered so much. my hair isn't that short now. i think he probably just chopped off like...an inch plus? don't think anyone would notice anyway.

ok the thing is i have a presentation in a few hours. i want to sleeeeeeeep. but i'm staying up to wait for prof lai. the poor girl, she's been doing so much and then just yesterday she was in school till 4am in the morning finishing up ANOTHER project. really gotta hand it to her. we gotta treat her to tony romas or something. but PROF LAI, have mercy on me and my guilty conscience and go to sleep! i am talking nonsense and wasting the time of whoever is reading this and if you have already reached this part of the post, then bravo, bravo!

the end.

p.s. i want to sleep!

p.p.s. i never really use to p.s. but i think it's a pretty lovely thing. the afterthought. the by the way. the "hey, nothing much really, was just thinking about you and how special you were". the out of point statements. no link.

the end. again.

for the first time in a long time, i did something rare today. i stayed home on a sunday morning. i do enjoy all my other busy sunday mornings, always bustling with activity. but this is a nice change too. for the first time in a long time, i am waking up without a worry. this is really how a sunday should be, don't you think?

i wanted to type a really long post because of the many enriching, disillusioning and powerful experiences i have had this past week. everytime i start, i can't continue. don't want to waste whatever i have left of this lovely sunday so think i shall just bask in its splendour instead....

may all of you have a lovely sunday too!

jeremy and i rushed off in a cab from school so that i would make it in time for my driving lesson. it was raining pretty hard. i was taking lessons for a while last year and then got lazy because school started and i managed to find a gazillion reasons not to go for lessons. i don't know why i did that because driving lessons are quite fun. the feeling of being in control is scary and exhilirating all at once and sometimes, aunty helen and i will hum together to the song playing on radio and it's pretty nice.

it's something about me and making commitments i guess. i hate it whenever i make a commitment to something because the very first thing i always want to do after making a commitment is to run away. it makes me feel like i've chained myself to the ground, whether it is taking up dance lessons, joining some activity in school, signing up for a course or a camp or something fun, getting a job....it's not that i even hate the things i made a commitment to. i made a commitment to them in the first place because they were things i clearly thought i would enjoy doing. but the fact that i have to make a commitment to them just makes me feel like backing out all at once. no wonder i leave so many things half-done in my life and so, what does that say about me?

anyway, after many months of disappearance, i finally appeared infront of aunty helen today, even braving the rain and splurging on cabfare. lo and behold, she refused to let me drive! but it was not her fault. i had waited so long till my pdl (provisional driving license) expired and i could not renew it at the centre because now, we have to go to the post office and obviously there were none around. and i just wasn't bothered about that cos i was getting drenched in the rain, umbrellaless. so, there was nothing much i could do. i just continued walking in the rain, since i was already dripping and took the bus home.

strange. something about the rain and me too.

so many questions till race through my mind from time to time. why? what if? would you? too many. but i decided that even if they were answered, things would still never be the same again. i thought that perhaps the answers would give me a sense of closure. but i realised that there are some things i already feel and know that are enough for closure and these answers alone will not change anything. no more questioning, no more wondering....

i'm really starting to see these things very differently now. i definitely hope it's not spiralling into a certain kind of cynicism but i do not take it so seriously anymore. perhaps i have been disillusioned. perhaps i am tired. perhaps it is a wake-up call. what if i am already awake? how many wake-up calls does one need then? it's like the persistent ringing of an alarm clock you can't shut up though you've been awake for hours. perhaps it works in reverse and if i fall asleep, it might shut up. maybe that's the problem with me; constantly fighting inside. "just give it a break, shireen..." oh yes.

have i ever mentioned that i can't stand wednesdays? well, i do not particularly like wednesdays. when i wake up on wednesday mornings, a wave of nausea hits me and i know it's the wednesday blues. wednesdays are the longest days in the week. and wednesdays reek of painful memories. wednesdays begin with a gruelling 3-hour econs lesson where i just wanna run away from and never come back but i am not brave or foolish or intelligent enough to do so. so, right now, i'm still sitting in my introduction to economics class typing out this sad, sad post.

it rained quite a bit last night. i was struggling to sleep and for the first time in a long time, i heard thunder. i guess i didn't mind because it's been a while since i heard that familiar sound. it made me feel snug and safe in my bed but why does "it" always have to be at the back of my mind? why can't i just forget? i'm ok throughout the day i guess. it's just the mornings and nights, where i'm alone with my thoughts and can't escape the ghost of it all.

walking on water and if i don't take the next step with faith, i will surely sink. faith is all that can keep me afloat.