today, no, not today, yesterday, a few hours ago, i was at a dinner which was held at my dad's friend's house. i don't know how but my brothers managed to get out of it, leaving me to do the dirty job of socialising. usually, my brothers and i just bunch up together at these things.

as expected, i went there surrounded by high-flying people who've all made it somewhere or a name for themselves. the children are all smart and confident and so are the children's friends. the adults were all talking about things i had no knowledge about nor was i interested in. so of course, i asked myself, what the hell was i doing there?

small talk scares me. to go through the whole process of repeating over and over again which school i'm in, what courses i'm doing, bla, bla, bla. i know that noone really cares. as long as they can escape the silence. and as i'm standing there, looking around and observing all these people, i realise that everyone is to some degree, awkward as well. i see them trying hard to think of a conversation topic or smiling excessively to make up for the deafening silence or looking at some imaginary person in the distance as though something were caught in their minds. and i thought to myself, how bizarre....

thus, i had come to a conclusion. that everyone was unsure and awkward and wary, some even shy. and that small talk did not interest them one bit. which thus led me to another conclusion. that being yourself and being honest is so important! what do i mean? i mean, we DON'T need to put up pretences and act because everyone is just as afraid.

i'm not saying that small talk is an entirely bad thing. however, i'm saying that we can be as vunerable and open as we can, unashamed of ourselves, when we are meeting new people. because that is the part that matters most. the part you take away with you to keep when you meet that new stranger for those 5 minutes in your life.

well, seems like that "tactic" worked. i didn't leave that party feeling lousy and out of place. i left it after having a good time and laughing and talking about things i love and remember, with people who were once strangers.

u see, we don't have to keep fighting. we don't have to keep proving things. we need to become little children, looking at everything in wonder and awe and trusting wholeheartedly that god knows what he's doing. yes, we're not meant to impress or judge but to wonder and marvel at everything that was the fruit of god's hands. and then, to embrace, accept and love it all.

days like the one before, i love them! they pull me out of my safety havens and broaden my circles and make me step back to admire everything and go "aaah". for a moment, i am falling without a parachute and my mind is racing and i feel as though i could die anytime. then it opens, and i know i will land on stable ground, and i do. the view is breathtaking and the experience fills up my senses and makes me feel so alive and in love!

did i forget to mention what an irrational thing worrying is? it is.

i've been thinking about death alot. not in a bad way though. in fact, it has made me wake up from this so-called sleepwalk through life. the all important question i ask myself all the time these days, "what if i were to die today?" and that puts everything in perspective.

my friends, life is that fragile. the waves just appeared from what seemed like nowhere and engulfed their lives in an instant. thousands of them. i wonder, did any of them know that they were going to breathe their last human breath that day?

if someone hurts you today, or makes you angry or hateful, especially someone you love, and you feel tempted to "make your point" or dwell in your black hole of emotions, just ask yourself, "what if i were to die today?" you'd realise that all this drama doesn't matter. i realised this and i also realised that i don't want to die a bitter and angry person. i want to die letting the people i love know just how much they are loved and how special they are. and thus comes the next all important question, "is it really worth it to be so angry? or miserable?" and it would snap me out of my "misery mode" and remove the blindfolds from my eyes.

so what does this mean? it means that we have to overcome fear, pride, vanity, even laziness. if you feel the urge to tell your mom just how beautiful she is but feel too afraid to let down that guard, ask yourself, "what if i died today?" and your ego wouldn't seem so important anymore.

it all boils down, again, to love, my friends. all that lasts and all that glitters, even until the last moment of this life, is love. i know that there is a time and season for everything. but i also know that love transcends all boundaries, be it time or space. it's human to fear, to feel angry and sad, to be jealous, but it's human to love too. and what a beautiful thing that is. so gentle and strong, it overcomes all, even death.

remember how we used to be told when young that honesty is the best policy? well, it really is no matter how scary and painful the truth is. a simple piece of knowledge can just change one's life forever, so it had better be true. how would you like to live your life knowing it was based on a lie? would true happiness be true if it was based on a lie? always search from the truth from all angles...

the truth really does set us free, from what i've learnt...

what on earth is she talking about today????

my finger is stained blue from holding the pilot pen too long without even realising it was leaking. after an 11hr plane ride, watching 4 movies and sampling many albums without catching 40, much less, a wink, i'm finally back home.

except that though it feels familiar and i know i'm home, i feel like a stranger. there's a nervousness i'm trying hard to shake off and i can't find the pieces to pick up from where i left them, like i was never even there. italy was beautiful. it was gorgeous and i couldn't ask for more. but at times, i longed for the familiar. and clung to the memories with a tinge of hope. i'm nervous now because i'm afraid that the memories are all i have and will remain as such. just memories.

like a new kid entering her new schoolbus on the way to her new school for the first time. but only this time, she kinda knows what to expect and so the excitement is partly replaced by fear.

i once met a marine biologist who travelled far and travelled wide and i envied her. i told her so and i told her about my dreams of travel and how my job would include lots of it in the future. and she had a distant look about her. she said that it was hard in a way because you never really get close with anyone. you make lots of friends, true...but they're all just fleeting moments. it only serves to amplify one's loneliness, especially at home.

ok, ok, sounds like i'm over-reacting. i haven't been away for even a month. i'm nervous and i'm just afraid of being disappointed and forgotten. i'm afraid of being disconnected. i want to run out and love everyone but at the same time, why am i suddenly so afraid of people?

the idealist in me believes this, though. that connections may take years to be formed but a moment is all it takes for some and can last an eternity. it's something deeper than our intellect and we will recognise it when it's there. and not even the oceans or the mountains or the stars in between will break it. it won't matter how far apart we are. the idealist in me believes in many beautiful ideals and believes they can all possibly exist. some people call them dreams. i believe it is a reality about to happen. the problem is, most of them seem to just remain as "realities about to happen." hope keeps me believing that i'm not kidding myself and reminds me to be patient. faith gives me such hope. take away my faith and i am nothing.

before i flew off to italy, i remember taking a nap one day. and i had a strange dream. i remember at one point, i had heard a familiar voice echoing in my house, ascending towards my room. i recognised it before i saw who it belonged to. in my dreams, i had opened my eyes and at my bedside was my little nephew from australia and i remember being in shock because noone told me they would be here.

surprise, surprise. i was in my room just now. my brother knocks on my door to tell me my cousin and her children are here( from australia). i don't believe him and as i walk downstairs, i hear the familiar laughter and i see my lil nephew ascending the stairs and as he reaches me, he starts showing off his new watch he got on the plane to me. they didn't even tell us they were coming! my, my, my dreams have taken on a prophetic quality about them.

i recognise this fear in me and accept it. now i must let it go. i must come to realise that every moment is new and unique and sacred and detach it from my past. i must be courageous and go forth into the world. i cannot let fear tie me down and suffocate all this love in me. take away my vanity and pride till only love remains. let it shine, let it shine....

i am here and the time is now.

ok today is the day for finishing unfinished business. it is the day for tying loose ends. it is not the day for prcrastination. and that is why i'm typing an entry today.

i'm flying off to italy in almost exactly 12 hours time and i feel like (as i've already mentioned to some people) it's my last day here on earth. i met a friend a few months ago. we were having lunch together, a bunch of us and i don't really know her very well. over lunch, we were exchanging really lame jokes and she wanted a list of them so i promised i would email her the list. it's been months and i haven't done so. but today, i got down to it and started. problem is, i can't remember the jokes! i can only remember one, my own...goes something like...

Why do cemeteries have fences????
Ans: Because people are just dying to get in.
Hair hair hair.

also, i met a missionary a few months ago too. she gave me her email and sent me an sms when she went back to new zealand. i promised i would email her and it's been months! and today, i finally did! (pat, pat on my back) i only met her once; i hope she still remembers me!

and well, another mail was due for quite a while too to another dear friend who knows who he is. and that's been done too. i do enjoy our email exchanges! =)

what else? what else? oh yes, playing my last game of tennis before i leave, visiting shivikaka in hospital (shivikaka, do take care! hope u'll be home soon to read this!!), going for my last weekday mass before i leave...blablabla.
(sorry to those who've heard/read this already!)

ok spending too much time on one unfinished business leaves less time for finishing another. so i have to end this entry...soon.

anyway, know how we always hear about how we should live everyday as though it was our last day here on earth? the reality of it just seems stronger today. not that i've ben diagnosed with a fatal disease or anything. for goodness sake, i'm just going on holiday for 12 days. but it feels good to know you did all you could while you could.

have a lovely day! ;)

sickness festers in secrets.

i was told it's not possible. but i want to reach the state where i won't have to hold any more secrets. why do secrets remain secrets? only because we are afraid to reveal them. does witholdding it give us some kind of power, make us feel less vulnerable?

well, i don't care if this sounds mad but it makes sense to me. only when i have no more secrets and am not afraid to reveal them will i have attained ultimate peace within myself. will i be vulnerable? of course. but the day i am not afraid to reveal these secrets is the day i will not be afraid of being vulnerable. and the freedom that comes with it will surpass all else. it's the day i have learnt to totally love and accept myself.

sickness festers in secrets. i just don't want to hide anymore, it's suffocating.

i've been pretty much cooped up at home though it's the holidays now. sheryl left for her sailing trip today. jac recited to me her whole schedule of tete-a-tetes with old friends in nice coffee places ( i don't drink coffee but i like hanging out in those places). another friend is resuming with driving lessons. another tells me how excited she is about her swimming session with her cousin. on and on and on. so you're wondering why am i stll cooping myself up at home?

i sprained my ankle last friday during a futsal competition in school. it was only the qualifying rounds. i had no school that day but had to rush down all the way only because of this. each round consisted 2 halves, each lasting 5 mins. we had only 2 games to play. during the second game, that's when it happened. i was going for a header, flying in the air, eyes on the ball when WHAM BAM BETCHA SAM i was knocked off my course of landing. a crick was heard as my left feet collided with the groud and i found myself rolling on the court, too traumatised to cry, breathing in and out like there was no tomorrow.

"oh my gosh! how's your head??"

"NOT MY HEAD, MY ANKLE!!!"

"oh man, did you hurt your head??"

"MY ANKLE, MY ANKLE!!"

"OH, her ankle!! ok,where's the ice??"

the team played again on monday and they got a 2nd overall. and i received a message asking me when i was free to collect my medal. haha.

i was very touched by the whole incident though. first of all, i was playing amongst a group of strangers. that day was the first time i had met my team. there were also a few people whom i had gotten to know the week before at women's soccer training. so many people were trying to help me, some i didn't even know at all. finally, when i had to get up to walk to the taxi, i found that i couldn't walk at all and ended up being carried! i didn't even get their names, all these people. but thank you, all of you! i appreciate it sooo much!

u know, spraining my ankle this time is very different. it's different from all the other times i've sprained my ankle/s. and believe me, i've sprained my ankle/s one time tooo many. i couldn't walk at all the whole weekend and had to use crutches. my room's on the third floor and everyday, i'd find myself hopping up and down 3 storeys on my right leg! but that's not why it's different. it was the fact that i was happy and finding the whole thing exciting and refreshing. yea, i was a bit pissed off in the beginning. but not for long.

u see, i realised that noone owed me anything. and yet, so many people came to my aid. be it holding the door open for me, risking back injury to carry me, getting me a piece of chicken wing, taking me to the sinseh....why? some might say people have their own agendas up their sleeves but what about those who'd only ever meet me once, which was the time they'd helped me? it's a beautiful experience. sometimes we wonder why this world is such a shithole. when i realised i'd sprained my ankle, i felt that way. but all i saw was more goodness that anything else.

also, i was filled with deep awe for the doctors who treated me. the sinseh (chinese physician) is psychic i tell you! i was just sooooo amazed!

another story. i was so afraid to walk for a while. everytime i wanted to, the pain would hit me hard and i'd be calling myself an idiot in all languages. after a while, i got so scared i didn't dare walk anymore. it was really tiring being on my right leg all the time. my armpits were seriously hurting from using the crutches. i was pretty much rolling around on my study chair most of the time. i felt so crippled but i didn't want to leave the comfort on not having to feel pain. then a thought occured to me. that it was possible i'd become the girl who never walked again...not because i could not but because i dared not. all because of a sprained ankle. the thought sounded awfully ridiculous and crazy to me, yet possible all at once.

oh gosh no, i thought to myself. that should never happen! and i took my first step and it hurt like mad but i managed to find a way to walk where it would not hurt too much. and i kept at it. then i realised, the more i walked, the less painful it became! it still hurts when i walk, right now as i type. but i know that pretty soon, i'll be walking freely again. even running and jumping for headers soon!

but what's the lesson here?? i learnt that many of us could possibly end up like the girl who would never walk again just because of a sprained ankle. we are so scared of the pain that comes from being separated from our crutches and wheelchairs and having to walk on our own two feet. the fear of the pain causes us to retreat to them. and everytime we want to try again, we're reminded of the fear and retreat again. till one day, we'd just never walk again. what crutches? what wheelchairs?

people who dive into one relationship after another looking for home, looking for security...people who fill themselves up with drugs, booze and nicotine and can't seem to live without them...people who are on a constant quest for money and power to feel a sense of worth...these are our crutches and our wheelchairs...

it will hurt when we start to walk. but it is the pain of separation. pretty soon, you find it no longer hurts that much. you find you're less crippled than when you first started out. you find that your fear has been turned into joy and love.

do you want your armpits to hurt forever or your right leg to grow bigger while your left turns flabby? or your ass to grow so heavy you'd never be able to get up again?? do you want to be crippled forever? you know what i mean. get up and walk. it takes faith and perseverance and patience.

"that was really good. but there's one thing i didn't like about it. too impatient!"

as the coach said that, i couldn't help but think that it was more than just about my soccer skills.

patience is a virtue is a gross understatement. we really underestimate the value of this virtue. faith, love and hope are the fruits of patience. when we are impatient, we jump of buildings, take drugs, divorce, kill, rape, fall into depression, run away from love....

there's too much for me to spill on the past few weeks so i'm just pouring out what's on my heart and in my mind at this present moment now. and i realise, like everything else, i have to accept this weakness in me before i can do anything about it. i gotta do something about it. i gotta stop running away...

it's not that life is stress-free. this week onwards, smu is gonna be such a killer. projects, assignments, presentations...pretty intimidating..

but somehow, i'm not anxious anymore. of course, there's that little bit of stress but that's healthy. in fact, these days, i just love being alive so much! if u ask me to tell u why, i'll probably explode. every moment is so awe-inspiring....god is a genius!

where do i begin?? i know how to end though. when you've only one breath left, use it to say "thank you". ever since i read that quote, i've held steadfast to it.

thank you, god!

p.s. i know this is a lousy update. but seriously...haha =P

i was walking back along the side of the field after walking sheryl to the bus-stop when i heard the loud "booms" which sounded like thunder and shifted my gaze to the sky far beyond and saw it illuminated. fireworks! but i couldn't see a single one.

i rushed to the end of the road but it didn't make a difference because my view was blocked by houses and more houses no matter how far i walked. "i'll be seeing you tomorrow," i said and turned around and walked home (i'm dragging my family to marina promenade tomorrow for the fireworks display). i love fireworks! one of the most beautiful inventions!

i'll be going to watch every one of the fireworks displays this month. my mom wants to go away for a holiday on national day but i said "NO!!!" because i don't want to miss the fireworks and she said that i can see it every year. but i told her that i might not live to see it next year and who knows? she scolded me for saying such a thing but added, "then you'll be seeing even bigger fireworks." she had a point.

today was my last day of work at the amazing star montessori house. what can i say? this was one bunch of kids i really grew to love. at first, they struck me as a bunch of spoilt brats with really rich parents. but i soon learnt that was not to be the case as i got a closer look at the whacky and amazing personalities of each and everyone one of them. i really didn't want to leave. i bought them sweets which made them happy but i don't think they understand why. they probably were more interested in the sweets. haha...

i had to say goodbye to jade. i told her i would not be coming back and she asked why and i said i had to go to school and she said "yar last time miss eileen told me u have to go to your school." and i said yea and i asked her to promise me she'd finish all her food quickly today and she did and showed me her empty bowl before putting it in the pail. i went around snapping shots of them all. but of course, jade had the most pictures on my camera. i even took a short video clip of her so i'd remember her voice and the funny things she says and her cheeky facial expressions and whatever i can grab hold of in those short 8 seconds. i keep talking abt jade and the kids non-stop, sending the photos and video clips to whoever i can. to the world, they're just a bunch of cute kids maybe. but to me, it's so much more! so i'm sorry if i've been forcing any of you to look at all the photos and watch the clip. it's just that it's like i've obtained this treasure i just want so much to share with the world! hehe...

before leaving, i sent her off to her schoolbus after putting on her jacket and her socks and shoes because she was the last one as usual and the bus aunty was rushing her (she can actually do all those by herself). before she left, i asked her for a hug though i usually don't really innitiate hugs and she gave me one and i breathed it in. as she left, she hopped off to her schoolbus and kept turning back to shout, "bye little miss shireen reeeeeeeen!!" and i replied with "bye little monkey jade!!" and then she was gone. slowly i got my bag and bid farewell to the teachers and little eden who was waiting for his mom and accident-prone sarah-ann who's always unintentionally getting into trouble and danette who's charming in her own ways and all the rest who i love so dearly! the 2 chef extraordinaires said i could come back to eat anytime because i told them how much i'm gonna miss their food and so i think i will.

it was only a month and yet it changed my life so much. though it's just so heartbreaking to leave and my heart aches everytime i watch the short video clip of jade and look at the photos of all the kids, i'm so grateful for even having this chance to stumble upon their extraordinary lives....

how do i live a normal life after this? the past few months of my life have been spent as though i were on a retreat from the world. many amazing things, through the grace of god, were revealed to me. but pretty soon, i've to go back out there again. and i've been getting sips of it from time to time recently, and i feel threatened. i know i should be more ready now and that all the things that happened to me in the past half a year happened to me for this moment, but it's just going to be so hard to leave that comfort zone. i don't know if anyone reading this might understand me but i can't imagine living a normal life again. i know i'm different now. i may crack the same silly jokes and wear the same clothes, but i know something big and drastic has happened. and it would be such a waste to let it all go to waste because of fear.

how broken we all really are. how we delude ourselves with illusions of joy which are ephemeral. how we make excuses for ourselves and run away. how blind and foolish we are. how imperfect. and how could anyone love us? but that is why love has been made perfect, through us, imperfect blemished and scarred creatures.

why do we look everywhere else? why do we refuse to believe? why do we wallow in self-pity and make it seem as though we are fighting alone, making ourselves appear as the victims? why can't we believe that something that good really could happen to us and for us? why do we shun and turn away from the only thing that can make us whole and truly loved?

the fact that you were born makes you worthy already. even the slightest and smallest raindrop, teardrop or dewdrop has a divine purpose which is rooted in love. and what more the miracle of your life? it is beyond our human understanding, at least beyond mine. but even the foolishness of god surpasses the wisdom of men. you can't put the whole ocean into a little pothole you dug in the sand.

it's not a comforting thought. when we get through one obstacle, it doesn't end. in fact, there are plenty more to come, harder ones. at least, it doesn't end until you're ready for it all to. it's how we grow and each is a step closer to heaven.

but how it all tugs at my heart now. the skies were clear, for a while.

i was taking a nap for a while and i get the weirdest dreams only during afternoon naps. it's so weird i don't know where to start! what does it all mean?

it started with me being on a field trip with a group of people in a really cold place which was dark most of the time with snow everywhere. i know for sure sheryl was there because when we stepped out of the building to join everyone for dinner, it was so dark we didn't know where we were going and slipped into a giant snowball that was actually a giant cake. the lights came on and we found ourselves surrounded by angry eyes all ready to start dinner and we had just ruined their dessert. so we went into a building which looked like a hotel. i wasn't with sheryl anymore but with mel tan. the hotel was very grand and oppulent and from the features and accents of the employess, i was probably somewhere in the middle-east and was thinking to myself how the grandest of places can be found here. i went into one room and found that it was the toilet. i went into another which i thought was the toilet but it turnd out to be a room to put bags in and powder up your face and some other crap. then i entered another room and was with sheryl again. only it was a GIANT hall. i saw acrobats and they were really high up. the background seemed to be the sky. everyone was enthralled by the acrobats but i was looking at the sky beyond. and saw a rainbow. it kept appearing and disappearing. it's colours were brilliant and irridiscent. then the whole sky was flashing with colours, on and off, streaks of light of all colours. i was mesmerised and kept pointing at it and crying in delight, asking everyone to look. but everyone was so caught up with the acrobats. then i realised that the sky was actually just the ceiling of the big hall i was in and the lights and the rainbow were just laser beams shone onto it. but i was mesmerised neverthelss. next thing i know i was strapped onto a board, hanging upside down. then i was hoisted up until i was at the same level as the acrobats and was allowed to watch the whole show from there. i was estatic. when the show was over, i was brought down to ground level again and all the lights came on and i was unstrapped and left and just, walked home.

but home wasn't the cold place i described before. it was in another country. wait, it was a house somewhere in the middle-east i think. but it looked like a singaporean housing estate. i was staying with uncle manu and family and a few friends. i can't remember what happened at this house. all i know is that uncle manu's family disappeared for a day and came back the next. aunty asha came to speak to me and told me they went to say prayers for dheeraj. (my little cousin who passed away some few years ago. she told me they had to keep repeating this line. i can't remember what the exact line was but it went something like, "i'm in so deep." she said that if we kept repeating it, satan couldn't get through. and she started talking about jesus and mary. and i started crying. but the wierd part is that they're not even close to being a christian. i couldn't comprehend and was so astounded that i cried. and that's when i realised it was all a dream.

i'd kill to go to prison!

pun intended.

i'm a teacher in a childcare centre now and i have to tell kids not to run around and climb everywhere and to finish their food and to play toys the way they're supposed to be played. and this concerns me because i've always believed in allowing children to express their creativity. and when they draw their strokes for the alphabets in the "wrong" order and i correct them because i'm supposed to and they ask me why they can't draw it that way, you know what? i can't give them an answer because i'd also like to know why it can't be drawn that way. or why the toy has to be played a certain way. it's quite ironic that the quickest way to stop being childlike is by being a pre-school teacher. but of course, i shall not allow that to happen for being childlike is really the secret to living a fulfilled and joyful life. so to make up for my school teacher demeanor, i secretly play "nonsensical" games with the kids and join in their whacked conversations and games. i don't want to forget that we have much to learn from children even though we're "the educators". though we may teach them math, english and the rules, they're the ones who constantly remind us of how life should be lived; to be free-spirited, transparent, vulnerable, honest and to enjoy every moment of it. seriously, just let them and every thing can be turned into a game or something to laugh about. the simplest things are a cause for amusement and wonderment.

there is one girl. her name is jade and i'm smitten. she's different from the other kids. she's about 3, and boy is she one small 3-year-old. she has short hair and looks like a pixie. in the mornings, when i walk through the gates, she comes up to me shyly, but one can see the glint of mischief in her eye and her cheeky smile. "ms shireen," she says softly and hangs around for a while. then she walks around observing what the other kids are doing, occasionally joining in bouts of laughter started by other kids or starting one herself. (she finds everything funny.) then she comes up to me again and reports an amusing discovery she's made. (sometimes it's from out of her imagination.)

now jade is one helluva slow eater! she's always the last one to finish and i'm always the one who stays behind to make sure she finishes her food. all along, i've been feeding her because when she puts a spoonful of food into her mouth, she starts daydreaming and stops chewing, forgetting she's got food in her mouth. i have to keep making deals with her and sometimes end up begging her and it gets really tiring. so on tuesday, after lunch, i gave her a lecture. yes i gave a 3-year-old this really long lecture about how "i was very very very very very tired of her giving me so much trouble at lunch and making everyone wait for her" and "was it fair to keep the aunty waiting for her so she could clean up or me?" and blablabla. (i knew she'd understand. she's a smart girl.) and after the lecture she agreed to finish up her food more quickly from the next day onwards. so yesterday, wednesday, before she went for lunch, she saw me reading a book to a boy named eden who's about 2 and is very mischievous too. but somehow, books have this calming magical effect on him as i've found out recently. so jade brought another book from the rack and wanted me to read it to her though everyone else had gone off for lunch. so i made a deal with her. i asked her if she remembered what i said to her the day before and asked her whether she would eat "like a good girl" if i read her the book and she said yes. and you know what? not only did i not have to feed her but she finished it so much faster! and for each spoonful that she took, i praised her and said something like "very good jade!" and "wow, jade!" or something like that.

the next took me by surprise. kids just know how to melt hearts. there i was busy nagging other kids and giving out apples for dessert and she said "ms shireen look at me." but i was busy so i couldn't really give my full attention to her. then she said, "ms shireen, look at me because.." and she said the next so softly.."because i love you."

i just felt so touched by her. not just because she said that she loved me but because she took me seriously and kept her promise to me. and i'm also touched by the way she says hello to me each morning. other kids run up to the teachers and hug them and scream their teachers' names. those are cute. but she's different. she just walks up to you quietly but her face speaks a thousand words and her smile a million more. she can be naughty and maybe she finds "too many" things funny, but i can't stay mad at her for long because she's just so pure and lovely. jade is not mushy or clingy. she's very smart and her imagination is just plain wild. (she likes to eat hair, thinks she's a monkey, likes to catch elephants and bathe with them, scares birds and talks to them, wears stickers on her forehead, etc, etc.) she's always bouncing around and ready to help others. she doesn't stay mad for long and i've never seen her cry. if the other girls don't share their toys with her, she's still happy. but she's always ready to share and never makes anyone feel unwanted or unwelcome (as kids are known to cruelly do at times.)

we have a really special friendship and i'll be sad when i stop working there at the end of the month. will she forget me? (kids have short-term memory.) will i ever see her again? who will read her stories and talk crap with her during lunch when she's the last one left? i know i sound like i'm one of her classmates or something but she's won me over with her charm.

lovely jadey jade (i call her that). she's a rare one.

Hello everybody...

today, we're gonna explore words. yes, this whole entry will be dedicated to words. i found the following rather....interesting.

i mean, who would've thought that the word for throwing a person out of the window would be the number one favourite word?

and there's actually a group called the Plain English Campaign which "campaigns against clichés, jargon, and obfuscation, particularly in official and public documents." which brings us to the list of the most cliched words and phrases. (i'm guilty of using the first one too much, haha. what? i can't help it if it's becoming a growing trend among guys these days.)

and "singing from the same hymm sheet" and "move the goal post" are considered to be amongst the most irritating cliched phrases used??

ah well, just some fun facts. i hope you haven't been discombobulated by this plethora of wordy issues. it's no big deal; don't have to be a flibbertigibbet and create a big kerfuffle!

helllo!!!! "she's alive!!! alive!!!" yes i am.

actually, i've been alive for quite a while. just been sprinkling my thoughts, emotions and experiences all over the place, everywhere but here.

actually in 2 weeks, soooo many things have changed. i have actually got 2 posts i've saved as drafts and i've a feeling they'll remain that way. why? cos they don't apply anymore. everyday is soooo different, that i just don't have the passion to write about yesterdays. i feel like a new person each new day, these days. when i wake up in the morning, i just don't what to expect and at the end of the day, i replay the events of the day back and go "wow". you see, i'm just so amazed by life. i know i've said this a million times. but i'm so amazed but how everything has a greater divine purpose. it's reached the point where i see a cat by the side of the road and think to myself, that cat was to be here in the whole intricate and divine plan of life. it could've been anywhere else but it is here now. and there's a whole story behind it all which links to us all. the interconnectivity of all our lives. i don't know about you but looking at life in that way seems to make everything and everyone glow with some kinda mysterious light. everything just radiates.

also, i've learnt to view "suffering" in a different light. not that i've "suffered" alot, but these new eyes have been found through a particular book (St. Therese of Lisieux) i've been reading while i happened to be going through a dark period in my own life (which reminds me of how you can read a book at so many points in ur life but only read it at that particular time!). i find now that "suffering" is really a step closer to perfection (ultimate unity with and in God). i've repeated this so many times so if u're reading or "hearing" this again, too bad! haha. but looking at suffering with these new eyes, i say "bring it all on!". no, i'm not being a sadomasochist. i just want to reach that state of heaven faster. yes, i believe heaven is a state. but of course, if we don't learn through all our suffering (as we're meant to), i don't think we'll be reaching that state anytime soon. you see, i believe suffering is meant to purify us. lets look at religion. for the buddhists and hindus, there's cause and consequence, karma, kinda like to make up for sins in a "past life". for catholics, there's purgatory, which i believe is really a state. it's where we are "purged" from our sins so that when we can reach the state of heaven to be one with god, where we were meant to be. am i just saying all this to console us all for the shithole we say life is? NO. i firmly believe it and can feel myself resurrecting to new life and changing into a new person through each suffering i've gone through and risen out of. and i'm just as human as you and you and you.

also, i've learnt so much about prayer. that when we pray, we should totally surrender and trust. which reminds me of this line from the song Resist by Rush. "You can surrender without a prayer but never really pray, pray with surrender." why ask someone to do something if you're not sure he/she is going to do it? u know, i believe our prayers are truly heard and answered, in ways better than we expect, the best ways! because god is perfect and he knows better than us and has views of the situation from ALL angles! i know that god's listening. you know why? because he does answer my prayers and he has granted me the awarenes of that. which has led me to believe that god really listens. which leads me to the wonderful revelation that everytime we pray, we are establishing a wonderful and divine connection with god! how beautiful is that?

you see, friends, i can go on and on and on and on and on and...and you'd all just think i was mad or over-exagerating or whatever, but really, i can't TELL you about these things. i can't make them seem logical to you in the worldly sense. (though i've seemed to find my own logic in it anyway) it's gotta be experienced, all of it. that's why we have life!

you know, i'm not more special than anyone and noone is more special than me. god doesn't just listen to my prayers. it's not just me whom he grants graces to to get through "suffering". we're all meant to be glorious!

i still have much to learn and i know i've only barely scraped the tip of it all. and i can't wait to learn and experience the rest of it!!

And now it's time to say
What I forgot to say
Baby, baby, baby,
C'mon what's wrong?
It's a radiation vibe
I'm groovin' on
Don't it make you wanna get some sun
Shine on, shine on, shine on
-Radiation Vibe by Fountains of Wayne

i woke up and my eyes were aching and my jaws were tired from clenching them too hard and i just lay in bed wanting not to get up again to face the day. but i did eventually, and spent the day in my own world. it was too depressing and it seemed as though i was punishing myself more than anyone else. so a thought occured to me to paint a picture. and believe me when i say i'm no artist. but there i was, lugging my art folio i used to use since i was 8 and a whole lot of other arty stuff 3 storeys down to the dining area. and when i passed my mom's room and she asked me where i was going, i couldn't help but smile and say "i'm going to paint a picture" even though i was supposed to be giving everyone the silent treatment. (yes, i wanted to be childish and i wanted to sulk. haha sounds silly now.)

i wanted to paint an angry picture. but pretty soon, it was starting to look like a child's dream, colourful and pleasant, nothing angry about it. the single stroke of lightning actually looked friendly.

i also did something i have negelected doing for a while. i finally took my bike out for a spin and cycled to the park i had found one day while on one of my "exploring expeditions." sitting there, i felt so fortunate and felt that this park, the lake/pond, the beautiful landscape, the trees, the sky; they were all mine and i was meant to find them one day some few months ago. and so i just sat there and revelled in my gem of a discovery. to the rest of the world and residents of that neighbourhood, it was just their normal park in the backyard. and i was glad i was me and not them because it made a few minutes in that park magical and refreshing.

i was pretty much angry with the world today and i wanted to run away and not face anyone. but you can't ever run away that easily. and eventually, i had to come out of that shell and face it all. which actually proved that it wasn't so bad after all and i was just being a sulk and i was just overwhelmed by an emotion which now reminds me how blinding emotions can be which now further reminds me never to dwell too much in them. i look forward to waking up to a better day in the morning now.

my youngest brother just returned from his st. john's camp today which lasted for 4 days 3 nights. he claims he slept only 4 hours in all! without a sleeping bag and on his towel because to his unpleasant surprise when he opened the sleeping BAG, it contained a jacket instead of a sleeping bag. anyway, there he was in the living room just now, fast asleep, while life bustled around him. he must have been having a really nice dream for i saw a smile on his face and wondered where most of it went. and i felt envious seeing one so immersed and peaceful in sleep because sleeping's becoming more of a challenge for me these days. i like sleeping but i seem to be getting less and less of RESTFUL sleep. and i'm actually really thankful every morning when i wake up feeling like i've had a really good, uninterrupted sleep. believe me, it's one of the best gifts god can give me these days. seriously. we just take too many things for granted.

And if the night runs over
And if the day won´t last
And if your way should falter
Along the stony pass
It´s just a moment
This time will pass
(Stuck in a Moment by U2)

i just sat there yesterday, silent as a stone. voices, noises, exchanged and thrown. i felt sad and i missed you so much. you would have been my only friend then. noone saw and noone knew. seems people only piss on others simply because they can. that's why the good guys always die first. i'm angry and sad and need you to know. i speak in codes on a webpage which you might never see (and i kinda hope you never do) while others pass it by and wonder what's up with this silly girl.

p.s. you is not you.

i guess embracing the unpredictability of life comes with embracing that an unpleasant turn of events is just as likely to happen as a pleasant one. would i still love life then? it's been something i've been thinking about.

so then, loving life really should depend not on the events. even if life should be so predictable that i should wake up every morning to listen to the same news, eat the same food, wear the same clothes, go to the same places, i should/could still be able to love it. even if a *peep* comes along and tries to storm on my perfectly sunny day, i should/could still be able to love it. and even if...

well, i'm thinking right now about many things. what if i were a prisoner, locked behind four walls in a dark room for years? what if i were a child who only woke up to abuse and went to sleep with a few more scars each night? what if i lost someone i loved? would i still be able to see any beauty and goodness which made me love life in the first place?

is there something i'm forgetting? is life meant to be loved? since we have to leave it? then again, i should be asking, why love anyone, since everyone will leave? but if life is more than this? am i loving life for the true reason it should be loved?

this entry started out with me fuming. which got me thinking how unpredictable again life was, that i should be smiling one minute and in tears, another. then i started thinking about how i said i loved the unpredictability of my life now and started wondering whether i would love it then in the midst of all my frustration, sadness or disappointment.

i know that i should just be. that all the above really seems like a waste of time now. the 3 words my mind finds so hard to follow though my heart really wants to...

be. here. now.

mmm mmm mmm mmm>>Try Not to Breath by R.E.M.

i love life now! yesterdays are always so far away and everyday is a totally different experience from the day before and i just don't know what to expect but wait eagerly like a kid waiting for santa's reindeer bells on christmas to accept enthusiastically what life has in store for me each new day. worry? what's worry? i wont pretend; i do worry. but i'm finally beginning to trust more in the fact that there's nothing to worry about and that it's all good or gonna be. simply because that's really how it is.

why does it have to ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ? why couldn't it be ACHYTBJSLOX.....? why does it have to be in that order? why does "B" sound like "bee" and not "see"? "B" is really just a shape, innit? just a random thought....

yesterday i met up with sheryl who just returned from her lovely holiday in cairns, australia. she went bungee-jumping, whitewater-rafting, sky-diving and swimming with fishies in the beautiful great barrier reef. snippets of our conversation...

shireen: so how was sky-diving?? so jealous!! aargh!!
sheryl : it was ok lar. not as great as i expected.
shireen : (dumb-struck look)

shireen : so how was white-water? aargh wish i was there!
sheryl : it was ok lar. not that great!
shireen : (dumb-struck look)

shireen : ok, so how was the great barrier reef?
sheryl : hmmm, not that great.
shireen : (dumb-struck look bordering towards why-am-i-not-surprised look)

shireen : so how was bungee??
sheryl : oh that was the best!

finallY!!! some people have all the luck! but sheryl really did have a good time. she only had a chance to do the beginner stuff for most of the activities that in my book, are supposed to be exciting. that's why it was "not that great" in her words. the conversation then changed course to the dreaming up of our new zealand holiday next year hopefully. we're still dreaming about it. and what with the antartica cruise at the end of the year, which i am still dreaming about. sheryl's totally serious about it. she's got the cash. me? i'd need to rob a bank cos i was too lazy and contented to get off my ass to work for a few more months! haha.

and yesterday, i was all set and dressed and ready to go for dance lesson. dear mel calls me to say she's got free tickets to the horror-themed restaurant igor's! so i grabbed the opportunity and went for it. dance could wait till next week. hope they didn't teach too many new steps. but igor's was fun! i won't say more lest you have not gone and wish to. wouldn't wanna ruin the surprise/shock factor! well, this is what i mean by the unpredictability of my life at the moment!

alanis morissette said something cool on mtv. i've probably seen that clip a million times but never heard this part. she said that now she was beginning to see things as more sacred than precious. more sacred than precious. she has yet to fail me!

staring at the word "precious" too long till now it looks funny. i'm smiling! goodbye!

anyway, it's time for an update. the past few days or weeks have been speckled with many beautiful moments, each an intimate experience with god and a glimpse into his astounding mind. god is soooo smart, i don't know where to begin....

what has happened to make me feel and think this way, one might wonder. honestly, i'd really like to share. but i can't and won't for a few reasons. firstly, some of them are too personal to the people involved. though they may never read this blog, i feel it is not in my place to expose it on the world wide web nevertheless. secondly, it's like chewing a piece of tasteless gum. yes, gum is banned in singapore. and yes, i'm always using the tasteless chewing gum as an analogy for alot of different things. anyway, what i mean is, if i repeat my stories too many times, it won't be so special and meaningful anymore, though it's still the same story. as i said in a previous post, "repetition seems to make meaing fade." thirdly, i'm sleepy.

good night.

p.s. if you really would like me to share, then you could contact me. if you'd like to sponsor a clubmed maldives trip for me, you can and may also contact me!

You are you when you are at peace with who you are not.

it's like teaching an eaglet to fly...then chopping its wings off when it starts to soar freely. and why?

just because it flies far and spends less time in the nest, it doesn't mean it is disinterested in you or loves you less. you taught it to fly the way it does now. the rest of the world and newer skies await it. but they may have to wait forever if you don't let go now.

it's time to.

i know and feel it's a blessing not to be in want of anything. it's one less shackle to tie me down with. i feel so contented with life now because it feels as though i have no commitments or responsibilities. of course i still do. but they don't seem like chores. and i still do dream, big and small. but i just don't seem to be in want. at least nothing too compelling. and this troubles me.

huh?

well, when i'm in want of something, there's something to look forward to, something to hope for, something to get a kick out of, something to dream about..... and when i'm not in want of anything, then what? life somehow seems more boring and the world somehow seems smaller. but when i'm in want, anxiety sets in after a while, then anger and perhaps, depression, assuming i'm still in want and haven't achieved or attained. and i'm troubled that i'm not in want. see how twisted we are? ok, i am?

but what's perplexing is...why am i not in want anyway??? maybe cos i feel that i don't need? or i've psyched myself into thinking i don't need cos i hate the hassle of needing and wanting? so maybe i still do want but i'm suprressing it to save the hassle? and just hoping that it'll all eventually die down? so then, am i really free? or just disillusioning myself?

am i thinking or analysing too much or making this into too much of a big deal for my own good and yours???

i won't ask whether i'm mad though. i already know the answer.

wowee this new blogger setting is rather interesting. it's like moving into a new house and walking around in it for the first time. exciting!

to the lover of my soul, and of yours:

it's just so easy to doubt you. it's even harder to understand why you do the things you do. but i know. and so i can't tear the eyes of my heart away from you anymore. transfixed by this thing called love, the source of all your goodness. transfixed by this whole beautiful divine mystery.

please help me never to lose sight.

i have an ulcer. it is expanding. it is painful. it tastes funny.

i love chocolate. chocolate aggravates ulcers.

i ate too much chocolate.



ouch.

p.s. i'm not drunk.

Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Feathers on my breath

i just watched the movie, beautiful boxer, yesterday. just so happend that a week or two before, i had watched a documentary about transvestites on the national geographic channel. it sent alot of sparks racing through my mind which got me thinking. it got me thinking again about how complicated people are. i can't even begin to understand what's happening in the minds of the above-mentioned group of people. so when others slam them or diss them, i get angry. i really can't take a stand in issues such as these. i can't say whether it is right or wrong and i somehow don't feel that it is in my place to. then as i was praying, i started thinking. whatever i do or think, let it be out of love. as long as i have that beautiful, divine and mysterious connection with god, i know that i will be guided to act out of his amazing love. actions not based on books or words of famous people or teachers, not on mere human judgement, but actions based entirely on the love of god.

i just read the book, the screwtape letters, by c.s. lewis. it's a gem of a book. i borrowed it from my new-found library but i think i shall go buy it cos i'll definitely be refering to it every now and then from now on. you know, i'm one of those who always settles for mediocrity despite my big dreams and idealistic aims and expectations. i get contented too easily and think it's ok to be mediocre as long as i'm somewhere. but you know what? it's not ok. we were meant to become something so much bigger!

i would have had much more to say but talking to too many people has left me with nothing more to blog here today. repetition tends to make the real meaning fade, i find. hmmm...

i like alanis morissette. do you think she'd stand a chance in american idol? just wondering....

anyway, i feel like talking about depression today. no, i'm not depressed right now. just some thoughts.

case 1: i think many people, me included, indulge in depression. yes, indulge. it's an excuse we wear. we sink into it and refuse to get out of it. it's like our comfortable water bed and we just want to lie in it till...

we sink into the habit of not wanting to do anything at all. just staring into a wall or the ceiling. we drown in our thoughts and don't want to stop. we ignore or snap at everyone. we are so self-absorbed in the moment we don't care. it seems like an excuse for us not to care. "i'm depressed, go away." "i'm depressed. i don't want to go to school anymore." "i'm depressed, i need to swear and shout." "i'm depressed, bla bla bla."

case 2: many others, they wear depression as though it's the new black. the "in" thing. perhaps these think that being labeled as depressed might give them a profound aura, that others might see that they're too deep or too good for this stupid, sucky world. saying "life sucks" is cool. it shows non-conformity and rebellion. it's just as good as going goth, smearing on eyeliner and black lipstick.

case 3: well, then there are others who seriously are depressed maybe due to chemical imbalance or crazily intense circumstances that seem just to hard to deal with. they don't know that they're going through "depression," in the clinical sense. they carve themselves silly and still don't think they have a problem, unlike case 1 and 2 who show it freely to the world.

case 1 is a coping stance of those who'd rather run away than face up to reality. we're not really that hopelessly depressed. we're just scared, tired or maybe, just plain lazy.

case 2 is a coping stance for people who seek attention and recognition. these want to stand out and be admired. they don't want to be admired the way the popular people do. they feel threatened or angered by these people. they rebel. their actions are a protest against society, the people who make them feel lousy or put them down. they cope by saying "everyone sucks, this world sucks." till they actually believe it.

case 3 is not really a coping stance. it's a condition.

the above are just examples to prove just how complicated humans really are. can we ever fully understand ourselves? psychological theories are forever changing. we can analyse everything else in this world. but who can analyse us perfectly? can we really judge anyone if we don't even understand or know all the answers??

anyway, i can go on and on about this. but what the hell, it's 2.07am as i type this sentence.

crazy is just you and me amplified.

listening to ben folds five "magic", the piano, violin and sadly beautiful lyrics tugging at my heart strings. nar, i'm not blue. in fact, i'm feeling great. finally really happy and just not anxious, the way i feel most of the time i think. well, maybe i'm a little disturbed abt something but it's not in my face right now and i know it can be dealt with.

isn't it funny? ignorance saves, wisdom condemns. ever wondered why there are so many sad, intelligent people around?

check these musical cows out. click on all 4 of them. they actually sound pretty good if u ask me. a friend sent this to me last night.

now, try to get yourself out of this room. another friend sent this to me.

who comes up with all these websites???

last night, i went to the night safari with my brother and a friend. i love going there!

on our way there, my friend told us that once he had visited the night safari with a group of swedes. as they were walking in the mangrove(bat) walk, one of the swedes, this lady, had decided to pause right beneath a bat. next thing she knew, the bat had peed all over her!

so last night, as we were walking through that path (it's this enclosed place with lotsa bats hanging and flying ard), we made sure that we did not get stuck beneath any hanging bats. i think i made quite a good joke which i only caught myself much later after telling it. haha. seee, there was alot of noise inside and my brother was asking who was making the noise. so i replied that it was the bats. they were gossiping abt the latest hangout. hangout. get it? haha. ok, never mind.

moving on...so there we were looking at those cute mysterious little bats when one suddenly opens its wings and decides to fly over our heads. i freaked! i mean, i didn't want bat pee all over me. and when the bat opened its wings, it wasn't so cute and little anymore. it's wings are really wide that it's rather intimidating. anyway, pretty soon, one or two more started flying above our heads. then, one decided to hang upside-down right above the centre of the path-way. i swear what he did next was on purpose. there he was, the centre of attraction, (and i'm sure i caught a grin on its face!) and, he unleashes a waterfall of pee! my friend who told us the story abt the swedish lady was by then gagging on his own laughter. my brother and i were gaping in disbelief at the manners of this cheeky and sly bat with a bad attitude. before long, the bat started to spread its wings again and was flying towards the branch just above me and my bro. i tell you, we didn't give a damn abt anything else after that. we just fled the trail. haha. and during the rest of the night, my brother kept feeling these mysetrious drops of water plopping on his head. talk abt being paranoid. haha..

and why do bats hang upside-down anyway?

the next highlight of our visit to the night safari were the sea otters!! they're a noisy and animated bunch i tell you. one of them was doing this really cool dance where his head does a wave from side to side while he's standing up. i think that's where that dance move originated from. cute fella man. ok, the rest of the sea otters were like possessed or something. making all these weird noises. the ones you hear when you squeeze those stuffed toys causing them to make this high-pitched squeak. that's what i'm talking abt. and they kept crawling all over each other and swimming from one end of their little private pool to the next. they looked like a bunch of chatty, shrilly school girls chattering, gossiping, bitching and bickering among themselves. my description is limited by my sparse vocabulary. you have to see them to experience them!

and have you seen leopard cats? not, leopards. leopard cats. they're really beautiful..not that i love cats but they look like very elegant house cats. i don't know what they're doing in the night safari.

the funny thing is that i was able to make a connection for each and every animal i saw to Reno Rally Royal(my dog, for the benefit of the lesser-read). it's like Reno is all animals in one. when i saw the leopards lazing abt, i thought abt Reno. when the guide said that lions laze abt 20 hours of the day and look for food in the remining 4 hrs, i thought abt Reno who sleeps the whole day. when we passed by these goats or deer (not sure which) with legs which looked like they were wearing 2 pairs of white socks, i thought abt reno and his stumpy white paws. everything just reminded me abt Reno and made me love him more! haha.

but oh my gosh, have you tried the bongo bongo burgers at the night safari?? you should. i'm salivating thinking abt them now. ok, i'm not. but, not worth a miss, that's for sure...

hmmm, maybe i'll go the the zoo next week...

i suddenly realised that there's really no need to worry! one of those moments when the obvious just becomes....really obvious..haha

see, there i was taking a nice hot shower just now. except that it was full of interruptions cos i kept getting calls on my handphone. all of them were from private numbers. one was from my aunty asking me what i wanted for lunch. another was from my friend, cheryl, who wanted to know when my uncle would be going over to her house to collect the AMI tape which she so kindly recorded for him (long story). and every single time it rang, i kept hoping that it would be a call from SMU (Singapore Management University). i mean, everyone around me has been getting THE CALL, except me! but alas, until this moment as i type, no call has arrived yet.

however, while showering, my mind was really troubled. so, i decided to pray. in the shower. i just closed my eyes, made the sign of the cross and prayed, with hot water pelting off my back. and suddenly, it became clear to me. the obvious. that there was nothing to worry about. because i know i've done what i can. and now i just have to trust. cos i know that life will lead me to where i am to go. knowing that i can't see the big picture because i'm in it, i can safely say that i do not know what really is the best choice for me. but someone close to me knows and has my best interests at heart and is watching out for me, providing me with little stepping stones to guide me. there might be detours, there might be dead-ends. but they're all still part of the big picture. and i know that at the end of the day, if i just have a little faith, i'll be fine. worry is just a total waste of time and energy. which is why these days, i usually pray for the patience and grace and a calm heart to get through things instead.

many questions still race through my puny mind. so are our fates sealed? why is there even a big picture in the first place? why did anything ever have to exist? why couldn't there just be nothing? (but there has to be something for nothing to exist, no?)

these will probably be questions i'll always wonder about. but i believe that they'll all be answered one day. every single question that we've ever asked. but in His own time...cos He knows us best, better than we know ourselves.

as a sidedish, i really love my dog..RENO RALLY ROYAL. haha. he's this round, roly-poly thingy on stumps for legs. but he has the most disarming smile ever. and he winked (yes, winked) at me 2 days ago. (he does it every once in a while.) i just melted. let me tell you more about Reno Rally Royal. he's very lazy and sleeps the whole day. he's only active when food's near at hand or when you mention the word "walkie." he likes to play hard-to-get sometimes. for example, he won't look at you but you know he wants you to stroke him and is actually looking at you from out of the corner of his eye. and he doesn't like going up stairs. he has to mentally prepare himself and/or gain momentum by running around before tackling the stairs. when we go for walks, he loves sabo-ing me by picking fights with much bigger dogs! rottweilers included. and when i take him for walks, i usually end up being taken for walks. he's like this ball of fur gone out of control, wild and delirious with joy, when we go on our walks/runs. he's also very useful; i call him my personal vacuum cleaner. whenever i drop any crumbs or food on the floor, all i have to do is shout "Reno!!", and it's all cleared up after that. of course, you'll have to pardon the residual saliva. haha. there's so much to say about Reno. i was just thinking about him, that's all.

ok.

a miracle occured yesterday. wait, flashback to monday. i stepped out of my instructor's car after driving, my wallet flipped open after parting with my 25 buckeroos. next thing i know, my brand new debit card i had just received through the mail like 2 days earlier was lying on the cement in front of me! i almost walked off without picking it up. but luckily, i did! on the way to meet sheryl after that, i had a feeling that something else was missing from my wallet. i opened it and indeed, something was missing. a club membership card of mine. i had just walked away from the scene without even checking my wallet to see whether everything was in place!

anyway, yesterday i had a driving lesson again and thought that after the lesson, i'd just skim the same area of pavement again. i was secretly hanging on to the hope of a miracle, that i'd find the card on the ground staring right back at me. but who would've thought that the next would happen? there i was searching the ground intently like a chicken looking for worms when i heard a honk on my left. i looked up to see a guy in a car by the pavement looking at me. at frist, i thought, is this guy trying to pick me up or what? but the next thing i saw left me brimming with gratitude after that. the guy in the car was flashing my gold membership card right at me!! how did that happen? anyway he said that he had found it on the ground and kept it. he must have been a driving instructor and the whole area was riddled with driving instructors and students. so, he'd probably have guessed that i was a student who would be frequenting the place quite often. whatever it was, it was more that the miracle i had hoped for. i was just in total disbelief after that..AMEN!

anyway, i seem to have fallen back deeper into the old habit of procrastiantion. it's really bad! now, i just feel sick and giddy from doing nothing. too much bumming can kill!

eerrghh....

thank you for giving me hope. thank you for not letting it all end in your death. thank you for still loving me despite the the nails i drive into your heart. thank you for never taking your eyes off me even when i turn away from you. thank you for subjecting yourself to the lowest of the lowest.

i still cannot comprehend or grasp it, that you, a king, would do all this for me. it's too awesome to be true. you're such a mystery. everything about this is. human reason, they say, can't logic everything out. is it an excuse? but you were smart. you realised that even with signs and wonders, people would still be blind. i don't know how you will win. but i know you will.

i struggle so much. i give up when it gets tough. i hate because i'm scared of what love might get me into. but i realise that it's at those times when i struggle the most that i need to try to love and forgive the most. you did. and it amazes me how anyone could have done what you did.

i'm doubtful and in awe all at once. it's just too incredible. the greatest love story ever told. i've heard it all before, one time too many...and i never realised it until now.

sidenote: i was just telling my friend that i think God uses songs to talk to me. a few moments ago, it was alanis morissette. now, he used the beatles. i was changing the settings of my comments box and was just thinking of the words "like endless rain into a papercup." so i looked for the beatle's across the universe and decided that for zero comments i'd used the line "nothing's gonna change my world." then it suddenly hit me that it was totally related to the post i just posted about change! amazing! so God's also into the beatles i see...God and i should have tea together some time. only thing is, i don't drink coffee or tea. so boring, right?

obladi oblada in this life, change is a constant bla bla bla.

i like change. or maybe it's because i keep contracting the "grass-is-always-greener-on-the-other-side" syndrome. whatever it is, right now, i'm not coping with change too well.

not too long ago, i was feeling very down and i stated all my symptoms and upsets to a friend. i said that maybe i needed change. and he said, "i suspect that it's too much change for your liking." i thought, nar....

but now i think, yar...

everything's changing. it's like, the older u get, the more exponentially the amount of change in your life increases. and sometimes, it's just too much at one go. i'm just coping rather badly. i feel misunderstood. but i also feel that i may be misunderstanding some things that are important. it's really frustrating. and what makes me feel even more frustrated is my sense of helplessness, the fact that it's all happening at once and i can't stop or change any of it. how do you deal...

i guess i can try to change my attitude towards these changes instead. it's hard though. you might know what i mean. i guess only only one thing is constant. God. it's only our perception of him and his existence that changes just like everything else. sometimes, i just don't know whether to trust my thoughts or feelings, since they change so often too. so what or who can i trust? surely i must believe in something? oh gosh, now i'm totally confusing myself! help! good night!

hahahahahaha bah.

WOW! (oh damn, the link's gone. it's the theory about how everything in the universe will one day split into its simplest constituents, to put it simply)

Can you imagine what that must be like? everything exploding and falling apart, literally, around you...imagine, in slow motion, all you know just disintegrating into nothing, even the earth you walk upon...and to know you're not going to be spared. and would you try saving yourself? knowing that even if you did, there'd be nothing left, or worse, noone?

but think of it this way, we are not that much different from the ever-so-brilliant stars; we're made of the same stuff. and if the above were to happen, we'd die the same way as they do. supernovas. moby knew what he was saying when he said we're all made of stars.

at the moment i'm typing all this out, i'm listening to "save me" by kevin max. it's a beautiful song and somehow really compliments this entry, music and lyrics and all... haha. i strongly recommend it as a listen! go get it now!!!!

Sunrise, sunrise
Looks like morning in your eyes
But the clock's held 9:15 for hours

Sunrise, sunrise
Couldn't tempt us if it tried
'Cause the afternoon's already come and gone

And I say hooooo, oooooo, oooooo, oooooo
hooooo, oooooo, oooooo, oooooo
hooooo, oooooo, oooooo, oooooo
Do you?

i was sitting outside the interview room on thursday. i got a call from phaemie out of the blue in the morning to go down for the interview. but i was feeling lazy and didn't bother calling. then, i remembered my dreams of the maldives (or something like that) and how i would need money for it. so i left in the midst of the pouring afternoon rain, in a cab which swallowed up $11.70 worth of solid survival cash for the week. so, as i was saying, there i was sitting outside the interview room. and i couldn't help but sing norah jones "sunrise" over and over again. (i only know a few lines by heart. )
and wherever i went that whole day i just kept singing it. it's got this really cheerful effect over me in that, just singing it cheers me up! and it takes the seriousness out of life's "serious situations." for me at least!!

ah yes, yesterday was results day. i really didn't have much feelings about it prior to collecting that result slip. i came from work together with phaemie, who's now my colleague. she was really scared. so i told her to sing a song on the way to school and not think about it. so she started singing a song. haha. and i decided to do the same for myself while waiting for mars at the station. when she came, she told me that she had gotten a call from a teacher to say that she was going to be interviewed by berita harian(malay newspaper). i was like...this sounds familiar. in sec 4, nurul was sitting next to me, one of my best friends in class too. and she got interviewed as well(top malay student). i wonder what it is with me that my best friends always clinch some top student award or interview or something...don't you just wish to be my best friend? i'm like a muse or something man...haha. please disregard this crap.

i guess i'm happy with my results. don't shoot me but i think that it's not such a big deal. i mean, results aren't such a big deal. to me. probably why i'm not like estatic with joy right now or even was yesterday. well, yea, i was in temporary bliss yesterday but only temporarily. and hey, to those of you who aren't happy with your results, don't pull your hair out or kill yourself over it ok? results don't define who you really are. not to a large extent. and this education is only a minute fraction of the true education of our lives. and what matters is that we do not give up hope in ourselves because the big guy up there isn't going to anytime soon. cos he can see the big picture and we can't. and if you ask me, i think it's all good. and if it's not good now, don't worry! it's going to get better! trust me even if i don't know you and you don't know me and you happen to be reading this....i believe that there's always a way, even if you can't see it...life will bring you there, all we got to do is trust and move forward and never look back and dwell in the past. the future is an open white slate full of possibilities...don't deny yourself opportunities by dragging past concepts, impressions or situations into it! ok, i'm getting preachy but i hope you know what i mean. just never lose faith! it's ok to be upset for a while, disappointed even. but, just walk on after that. U2 has great songs for moments like these. haha and the soundtrack in my mind always plays them automatically when i'm down. go listen to them if you feel hopeless! "walk on" and "stuck in a moment." or just sing "sunrise"! haha...actually there are alot of things to do to remind ourselves of the goodness in a world like ours. it's whether we want to be reminded or not.

so anyway, for those in the dark, i lost my handphone! i left it in a cab on the way to my granduncle's wake/funeral. and i left it off! and i didn't know i left it in the cab until a few minutes later while emptying the contents of my bag to get it out for my lil cousins to play games on it. (boy were they upset with me!) anyway, so naturally, i didn't take the down the taxi number or the driver's name! all i know is that he had a booking for shenton way at 12.30pm on wednesday, 3rd march! i've called all the numbers i can call, but i haven't heard the good news yet! so i'm praying that the person who has my handphone is reading this right now and is going to send me an icq message to say that he/she is going to return me my phone! please!!! haha, it's really quite annoying because i have alot of contacts in there, especially with old friends...may God touch the heart of whoever has my phone and prickle his/her conscience till he/she returns it back to me! =p

And now the night
Will throw its cover down
mmmmm, on me again
Ooooh, and if I'm right
It's the only way to bring me back

hooooo, oooooo, oooooo, oooooo
hooooo, oooooo, oooooo, oooooo
hooooo, oooooo, oooooo, oooooo
Do you?

i went to the adidas warehouse sale on sunday. i couldn't find much stuff worth buying cos i came too late so i bought a hat and a shirt. The hat is too big for me. half my face is covered when i wear it. so i've been walking ard at home with this blue hat on my head trying to make the money spent on it worth something. the shirt i bought looks like something i'd wear for bowling. only thing i realised after i got home, it's a men's shirt. but who cares....it looks pretty girlish for a guy to wear anyway.

so well now, i'm still wearing my hat as i type. and it feels good walking ard the house wearing a hat such as this. makes a usual day bumming at home a bit more different and interesting. oh yes, you might be wondering why i'm bumming at home...i resigned from my job last friday. so that means i'm looking for another job. so i'm back to my favourite past time which is only my favourite when i'm at work or school. things are always my favourite when i don't get to do them or have them all the time.

i borrowed some vcds to watch over the weekend last. watched one just now, white oleander. it's ok. the book's far better though and i loved it...but i like the song at the end of the movie. >>> Safe and Sound by Sheryl Crow

haha silly me. i seem to miss my workplace now. but it all seems so far away already. my heart's always where i'm not. no wonder i'm always dreaming.

"A black hole is a massive but unseen celestial object that has such an intense gravitational pull that nothing - not even light - can escape from it."

one of the reasons why they fascinate me so much. and each time i read about black holes and the likes, i can't help but feel that the solar system is merely us personified to a more dramatic and exagerated extent. it seems that there are certain laws of the universe in which everything tends towards, be it the stars, mealworms or human beans. (i used to call human beings that when i was younger cos that's how it sounded like to me then and i didn't know how it was spelt anyway. the revelation of its true spelling and prenunciation was astounding to me and i used to feel much smarter than everyone else when i said it right. i felt as though i were an enlightened being who knew the actual truth, that it was human BEING and not human BEAN. and the other stupid kids did not. oh well.)

anyway, i'm at work now. skiving. as the guy opposite just said i was doing. and i can't really argue about that. but i've finished all my work. i'm bored. so i'm resorting to reading the papers online. something tells me i'll be a very up-to-date person if i stay here long enough. i like reading the news and knowing what goes on around the world, ahuh. but, sometimes, it's such a hassle flipping through those bulky papers with all the pages spilling out half the time, for me at least. so i'd rather watch cartoons on nickelodean instead, or stone. (disclaimer: i am not an airhead bimbo). then, i end up not reading the papers. and this can go on for days. one who meets me during those periods might think i just came back from a holiday from the stone ages, assuming there were no newspapers and internet then. ok, i may be exagerating but i've all the time in the world to spout all the crap i want to. so, give yourself a pat on the back for me from me if you're still reading by the end of this entry.

it's funny. for the average person, the longer you live, the more friends you will be sure to make because the more people you will be sure to meet. so why is it that the older we get, the less friends we have? huh? ok, maybe it's because as we get older, we have less time for friends and friends have less time for us. what better things could we possibly have to do???? ah yes, work. like that's a much better thing to do. (i'm not talking about the "as you grow older you'll know who is your friend and actually realise that you only had 2 friends all along" thing) i feel that ever since my friends and i started working, life isn't so sweet. ok, anyone can tell you that. but, what i mean is, it's not the work that i dislike. it's the fact that my life has been changed to one that i don't feel very satisfied with, like i've lost something. like something's missing. or that i'm missing something. i feel so far away from everyone. i know that being me, it's not something to rejoice about. but somehow, i don't feel lonely or depressed. which is quite surprising. however, in a way, i feel much closer to myself. i feel that maybe that's a good thing. but another part of me says, "so what? you're still alone and that's the fact." i wish i could shut that part of my mind up because i'm finally beginning to feel much at ease with myself when i'm with myself.

i'm aiming to get into a good university. apparently to create more options for my future. but, nowadays i wonder whether i'll actually be happy anywhere. will i actually be happy finally doing the things i love? or will i just get sick of it and try to run away like i seem to do for so many other things in my life? and where do i run away to anyway? i guess i already know the answer is that wherever i am and whatever i do is not temporary, which prepares me for the fact that i might forever be running. but i don't think i like harbouring the thought of having to run my whole life, and never really finding THE place.

i know that i'll ultimately reach that place someday ( i hope and pray) whether i run or walk or even crawl. but in the meantime....
you know what i mean?

it's funny. after such a long break from friends, i'm afraid to face them again. i know i should be excited and happy to. but i'm afraid. probably because i dread knowing how far apart we actually are and where i stand in their lives. i just don't want to see my fears spelled out in reality. that's why i want to know whether there really is goodness in hope. if my idea of hope is the right one. lets not even talk about expectations.

ok, i've decided to stop here. so now, you can give yourself that pat. well done!

i got the day off today. cos i'll be sitting for my basic theory driving test at night. so well, i did what i miss doing. sat down infront of the tv, with the newspapers infront of me and channel-switched till i found the right channel.

first, i was captivated by egypt and her middle-eastern counterparts on globe trekker on the travel discovery channel. then, i switched to cinemax and my eyes were transfixed. the acting wasn't superb, at times, even bad. if you ask me. not that i can do a better job. even the storyline was getting a bit cliched/far-fetched, however you see it. but i still couldn't change the channel. i was watching the movie "PUmpkin" and for some reason, i found myself so immersed in it. believe it or not, i even cried. it was different in a way. in a rather tame and mild way, it spoke about conformity, about how systems are built to make some people feel better than others, about those of us who pretend to rebel or grumble all day and yet still choose to conform, and about those who conform, psychoing themselves in to thinking it's the way, to avoid complications. and i cried because of the hopelessness i felt for the protagonist when she tried to change the world around her but was herself run over. of course, as i said, it wasn't a great movie, but it held an important message, at least, for me. i know i'm not actually saying what it was. but lets just say, sometimes watching a movie is more of an experience than anything. and rather than talk about it too much, sometimes i just wanna say a few brief words about it and let the rest of it dwell in me.

anyway, there were a few nice songs in the movie but i liked the last song the best! it's a very simple song.

"The Bees in the Trees" performed by Jonny Corralitos.

ok, better recap stuff for the test. later!

i know i'm being cruel. but i fear that if i grow soft and let my guard down, things will never change. i just don't know if it's worth it.

so what do you think of this?

"i came up with a new game show idea recently. it's called, "The Old Show". you get 3 old guys with loaded guns on stage. they look back at their lives, see who they were, what they accomplished, how close they came to realising their dreams. the winner is the one who doesn't blow his brains out. he gets a refrigerator." - Chuck Barris, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

is hope really a good thing?

the more i go through life, the less i believe in the goodness of hope. or have i distorted my idea of what hope really is?

i took my dog for a walk just now. he charged towards the gate of a house, to confront a german shepherd twice his size barking its head on the other side of it. in the process, i twisted my ankle. but i was just too nonchalant and numb to bother giving him a piece of my mind.

life throws shit at me nowadays. and i just take it.

i'm just too bored and fed up to do anything about it. after a while, it's all the same and i get used to it.

i know i'll change my mind about what i'm saying now later or tomorrow. cos life isn't as bad as it appears in these words.
but life, in my state of mind, seems to be so.

if only we could all embrace life just as it is, and not how it looks through our filtered lenses. but emotions get in the way...all the time. and we can't wish them away. we need them to experience life.

i never thought i'd say this but...ah, whatever...

i don't have much time left to sleep. and i'm feeling really tired. so this is gonna be short. i don't know about sweet.

first day of work today. it's so strange sitting infront of a desk the whole day. surrounded by people doing the same. it appears like a very ordinary normal human thing to do. but to me, it's just plain strange.

and i miss bumming! i never hated it. it's funny how i was so envious of them who had jobs. but i can't complain now because i made this choice because i felt i had to. but it just seems so....stupid. i have no better word. or range of vocabulary. which is also true.

the only unfun thing about bumming now is that there are very few bummers left. and i have just reduced the bumforce. i'm sorry!

another strange day at work doing strange human things tomorrow. i might be coming down with the peter pan syndrome. hmmmm....

A Tribute to Rain

i was in the car with my parents on saturday night, on the way to dinner. it was raining. i can't remember when the last sunny day was. and my dad had an ominous foreboding. "it's gonna rain for 40 days and 40 nights," he said casually. of course, my first instinct was to brush that comment aside as a joke. but another part of me was actually afraid that this passing trivial sentence would actually be the truth.

and it seems so too. it's been raining EVERYDAY since...i can't remember when. as i said, i can't remember when the last sunny day actually was. and every morning when i wake up and look out of my window and gaze at the pouring rain, the sentence keeps replaying in my head. "it's gonna rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

it's such a bummer. it's such a drag going out because:
1) you have to bring an umbrella.
2) you have to carry around a wet, dripping umbrella when you're indoors.
3) you have to take the loner routes instead of cutting across fields to avoid caking your beautiful shoes, feet and pants in mud.
4) you will get wet anyway. no point in looking good before you leave the house.
5) you might get splashed by cars causing an unexpected tsunami while walking along the road.

and you can't do so many things. i mean, you could if you wanted to but you'd just get drenched and maybe fall sick too. on monday, we had planned to go cycling at 7am. but it was raining. so we waited until 10.30. it was raining. but we psycho-ed ourselves into thinking it was getting lighter. it was so frustrating being cooped up like that when we had been really looking forward to this cycling date. so yes, we went ahead anyway. after cycling at the most, 200m, the heavens unleashed its fury on us. we could hardly open our eyes. and had to turn back. and we took shelter at my house. my friends were busy jamming in my room while i was entertaining a call from my grandma. i feel bad, and yet i'm still not making the effort. she's getting old. old = lonely, cynical and insecure. wow, that sounds alot like alot of pple. means i'm getting as old as the next person is. haha.

well, the rain did stop for a while and we immediately grasped the opportunity to proceed on our lil expedition. it was worth going after all. =)

actually, i didn't mind cycling in the rain. i don't really mind the rain, especially if i'm doing things like cycling or running. i'd do them anyway. it's better than spending a dull day at home doing nothing. but if i were going out shopping or to the movies, i'd probably give it a miss if i had to leave the house while it was raining. think you know what i mean. i still enjoy taking my dog for a walk in the rain under the umbrella. and you'll probably know why because of one of the past entries.

walking under the umbrella when it's raining is fun. it's raining all around you and you get to be part of it, without being affected by it, or only slightly. it's magical. and i love singing in the rain too, especially under my umbrella. and of course, all songs about rain will immediately come to mind. especially one, these days. "flood" by "jars of clay."

you know, i was just thinking the other day. when it's raining, people would all the more stay home and order pizzas and blah. especially when the rain gets heavier. but can you imagine what the poor delivery guy on his motor-cycle has to go through??? but it's on days like these when home delivery is required. so, then what? i suggest they invest in vans or cars for rainy days.

i don't have much complains about the weather yet though. i don't hate it or despise it. i love that it's much cooler these days, and really pleasant in the evenings when the rain has subsided for a while. it's so SHIOK sleeping at night too. it's just more difficult waking up in the morning because the rain makes the bed so cosy you just wanna stay in there all day! and it's not all that bad getting drenched in the rain sometimes. maybe even refreshing, until you start shivering. i'm ok with the rain. it doesn't affect my mood really. because i'm still smiling at the end of the day. there's really nothing happening that's bringing me down. but at the same time, i guess the lack of things happening in my life is not a reason for celebration too haha.

i admit i'm getting lazier. but that's because i have nothing to do. well i just started on a book today. jude the obscure by thomas hardy. i lied that i had read it in one of my uni applications cos i was filling up the forms when my friend was with me and she threw me that title. so now, i'm really reading it. so, in a way, the "lie" was just a truth waiting to happen. haha. i'm probably starting on a job this weekend or tuesday next. i think that once i get a job, i will snap out of being as lazy as i am now. it's true, the more things you have to do, the more organised you'll be, simply because you have to be.

american idol was hilarious by the way. it's unfortunate that we derive entertainment and amusement by indulging in the embarrassment and shame of others. but, oh well, WHAT WERE THEY THINKING??? it gets quite painful sometimes. sadly, watching it brightened up my evening. haha. i think i wouldn't be any better if i took part. simon would probably go, "you'd make a better siren for a fire-engine," or the likes. he's mean, but i respect him for his honesty. and hey, what would the show be without him? his words cut alright, totally slash pple's self-esteem to SHREDS...but oh well.

anyway this entry is supposed to be a tribute to rain. and i guess i've nothing much else to say except, appreciate all the sunny days you have now. and appreciate the rainy days too! each makes you love the other more and more. and there's beauty and joy to be found in both, despite the fact that you might be scorched or drenched. and you know i'm talking about more than just the sun or the rain. ;)

i don't feel like updating. though i've actually got stuff worth putting down here. haha. so, too bad.

but let me tell you, things are not what they seem alright. some swans, i assure you, are NOT graceful. they attack you and walk like ducks, but only worse. unfortunately, only a few people will understand and laugh about it with me when i mention "black swans" or "the farm". haha, the silly moments like those are what makes life worth living. the silly, simple moments...

Anger opens the mouth and shuts the mind.

couldn't agree less.

ah yes...happy chinese new year to all my chinese friends out there. i'll be awaiting my bak kuah and ang pows. haha! spread the festive joy around!! c'mon, sporting a bit man...

gong xi fa cai!!!! ;)

so i finally watched it. lord of the rings: return of the kings! i loved it! despite the fact that it just seems to go on for like..forever! there just seemed to be so much in the show which i could identify with too. however, in consideration for those who haven't watched it or read it and do not wish their experienced to be marred because they accidentally stumbled upon some crap blog entry, i shall refrain from commenting further on this topic.

lets move on. so, i'm still jobless. but then again, i'm also fussy. but hey, i don't wanna spend these last few months of my last real long breaks before i enter into the "realer" world being stuck in a job i hate. i really do want to work, though i'm not really in a desperate situation now. ok, who's not doing it for the extra bucks? but i also want to do it for experience. so i feel that i have a right to be fussy to some extent. not everyone thinks so. but who cares? haha. this is me. at this moment.

ah yes, met my ex-netball coach on the way out of the theatre just now. i used to be so afriad of her. in fact, when i was in netball in sec school, i really wanted to quit to join softball because i really loved softball. but i just didn't have the guts to face the coach to tell her i wanted to quit...but she heard rumours! and she confronted me abt it one day. i was shivering in my bones man. but she was really nice abt it. she didn't force me to stay. but she showed me how much she believed in me. and i just felt that i couldn't let her down. and so i stayed till the end. and never did join softball. don't get me wrong, the netball experiences were worth it. we went further than i ever thought we would. whether others would beg to differ or not, i thought she was a really good coach. once, when i sprained my ankle at training, she drove me to the sinseh and accompanied me. i think the best kind of coaches are those who do not just discuss game strategies but life strategies as well.

i didn't give up my softball dream though. i swore to myself i'd join softball when i left secondary school and got into jc. and that's exactly what i did. but it was short-lived. i had to leave rj and go to ac after the fist 3 months. i was devastated mostly because my softball dreams had been dashed, just like that. and so my cca for my whole jc life was really screwed up and one helluva mess. there was just nothing else i was really interested in. i ended up joining and quiting so many. i don't know whether i'll ever get to join softball again, but i'm still holding on to that dream. cos it ain't over till it really is.

i realised that ever since i started blogging, my writing style has become very..extremely disorganised, almost as bad as my mind. and today, as i was practising for my SAT II writing which i'll be sitting for this sat, it was more apparent than ever. so many random thoughts and ideas, i just keep going, and there's no stopping. and noone will understand what i'm saying other than myself. it's probably the same for this blog.

u know i feel that i'm learning and changing so much inside these days. i feel like i'm starting to see things so differently from how i used to see them before. i still crack the same jokes. i still do the same old things. i still feel i'm the same shireen as before. but not really the same. and i want to share so much and tell u so much but i'm afraid it'll only be in vain. because u haven't seen or experienced or felt what i have. (i don't really know who this "you" is. ) and so, i feel so helpless that though i know and understand what you're going through or feeling, i can't help you or tell you what you need to know. because you can't and won't be able to see it. so i just sit there and listen and take it all in. i try to say part of what i need to tell you but i realise these words are merely words to you, all futile. so then, maybe it's not my place to tell you all these but for you to learn the lesson you must learn yourself. i feel like a bird trapped in an open cage. (yea, i ripped that line off U2's "walk on") that i can fly away, but i'm still shackled here. by what, i don't know. ok, i do know.

if you understand what i'm trying to say, you who read this, my my , i applaud you. i'm not really typing out everything i really need to say. there's too much and what does it matter anyway, all these words...

anyway here's a pretty neat song. with pretty..interesting lyrics. by a pretty cool geek rock band. the kinda song which says hey so the world's all weird and screwed-up but i don't care i'm just gonna sit here and drink my mexican wine cos nothing's that serious and life's still sweet.

ah this entry's turning out like crap and it's misery and humiliation should be put to an end. and shireen should actually try to sleep.

but in the meantime, here's fountains of wayne's "mexican wine".

He was killed by a cellular phone explosion
They scattered his ashes across the ocean
The water was used to make baby lotion
The wheels of promotion were set into motion

(chorus)
But the sun still shines in the summer time
I'll be yours if you'll be mine
I tried to change but I changed my mind
Think I'll have another glass of mexican wine

She lived alone in a small apartment
Across the street from the health department
She left her pills in the glove compartment
That was the afternoon her heart went

(chorus)
And the sun still shines in the summer time
I'll be yours if you'll be mine
I tried to change but I changed my mind
Think I'll have another glass of mexican wine
Think I'll have another glass of mexican wine

I used to fly for United Airlines
Then I got fired for reading high times
License expired in almost no time
Now I'm retired and I think that's fine

(chorus)
Because the sun still shines in the summer time
I'll be yours if you'll be mine
I tried to change but I changed my mind
Think I'll have another glass of mexican wine
(repeat 2x)

Think I'll have another glass of mexican wine
Won't you have another glass of mexican wine