i know and feel it's a blessing not to be in want of anything. it's one less shackle to tie me down with. i feel so contented with life now because it feels as though i have no commitments or responsibilities. of course i still do. but they don't seem like chores. and i still do dream, big and small. but i just don't seem to be in want. at least nothing too compelling. and this troubles me.

huh?

well, when i'm in want of something, there's something to look forward to, something to hope for, something to get a kick out of, something to dream about..... and when i'm not in want of anything, then what? life somehow seems more boring and the world somehow seems smaller. but when i'm in want, anxiety sets in after a while, then anger and perhaps, depression, assuming i'm still in want and haven't achieved or attained. and i'm troubled that i'm not in want. see how twisted we are? ok, i am?

but what's perplexing is...why am i not in want anyway??? maybe cos i feel that i don't need? or i've psyched myself into thinking i don't need cos i hate the hassle of needing and wanting? so maybe i still do want but i'm suprressing it to save the hassle? and just hoping that it'll all eventually die down? so then, am i really free? or just disillusioning myself?

am i thinking or analysing too much or making this into too much of a big deal for my own good and yours???

i won't ask whether i'm mad though. i already know the answer.