it's incredible how much i've been changing everyday, and how much more i'm learning about the universe and its ways through these changes. i'm at a loss at what to make of all i've learnt and been told. but all of a sudden, the walls of my world have grown further apart and life seems more exciting. there's so much to explore and learn through experiences. and God is closer than i ever thought he was. they tell you God is everywhere but it's different when you can say it for yourself. which goes for almost everything else in life.
there's really nothing much to say now. it's time for me to listen. cos i just realised how much i do not know.
thank you, my angels.
Wednesday, December 31, 2003
Friday, December 26, 2003
i believe that some things we receive in life are truly graces from God. i believe that there's a fine line between letting go and giving up. i'm glad i let go but did not give up. i believe that below all our coping stances, emotions, yearnings and desires lies not original sin, but original goodness. i believe that we are enveloped by an immense love which no words can describe or do justice to, and which many things in this world blind us from seeing or feeling. i believe that we are all yearning, whether we realise it or not. yearning for God to fill that God-shaped hole in all our hearts which only God can fill. but we don't know that and fill it up with other things, which shut that yearning voice up, temporarily. before long, we start searching again. is that why we're never really contented?
i've been thinking....
oh yea, merry christmas, a day too late. ;)
i've been thinking....
oh yea, merry christmas, a day too late. ;)
Thursday, December 18, 2003
To noone in particular, and everyone concerned (huh?) :
I don't understand why you do the things you do.
but i'm trying to.
because i don't want to hate you.
i want to understand and move on.
but i guess not all of life's questions can be answered in a single moment. some questions are answered throughout the whole course of life's journey itself. others, at the final second. some, maybe not even in this life. but i believe they'll all be answered one day. for a question to exist, there must most probably be an answer already. patience.
i believe that one must have compassion to love. if i didn't try to understand why you do the things you do, and accept the fact that you're human and weak, and embrace it, i would have hated you long ago. i realise trying to change you was a mistake. it is not my role to play. i still don't understand you much. but i understand you're human and weak; frail. we all are. and so i love you inspite of that, and maybe, because of that.
I don't understand why you do the things you do.
but i'm trying to.
because i don't want to hate you.
i want to understand and move on.
but i guess not all of life's questions can be answered in a single moment. some questions are answered throughout the whole course of life's journey itself. others, at the final second. some, maybe not even in this life. but i believe they'll all be answered one day. for a question to exist, there must most probably be an answer already. patience.
i believe that one must have compassion to love. if i didn't try to understand why you do the things you do, and accept the fact that you're human and weak, and embrace it, i would have hated you long ago. i realise trying to change you was a mistake. it is not my role to play. i still don't understand you much. but i understand you're human and weak; frail. we all are. and so i love you inspite of that, and maybe, because of that.
Thursday, December 11, 2003
all my entries from now on are really long overdue.
lets see. we had our prom on monday. honestly, the moment i walked through the doors of ritz carlton, i wanted to turn around and run back out again. everyone was clad in their finest, flashes were going off here and there, and the whole scene just seemed to unnerve me. probably also because i couldn't seem to find a familiar face through all the make-up, dyed hair and glitter. but the rest of the evening proved to be a rather enjoyable one. yes, everyone was simply obsessed with taking snapshots together with their friends. i guess i was too. but at times, i was just contented sitting at the empty table where almost 80 times 10 buckeroos worth of food was being laid with noone to finish it up. haha. by the end of that evening though, my jaws were aching like mad. funny and stupid thing is, i look the same in every photo anyway. smiling the same way, posing the same way...haha..whatever it was, i'm glad i came for prom, even if some might beg to differ. and post-prom was just as fine too. =)
anyway, at this moment, i'm rather busy sorting out university applications. i really do want to fly away from here. not because i hate this place, but because i'm seeking change. i need a kick. and i need money too. sponsors, anyone? anyway, i procrastinated for God knows how long and i started getting desperate because only up till recently, i hadn't done a single thing for my future education. then all along, comes this old-time friend of mine who offers to help me...start from scratch. i don't know what i'd have done without you, phaemie. so now, i'll have to rush my applications like mad! and i still need to see my teachers for recommendations! oh boy! pray for me!!
and well, life suddenly seems brighter and filled with renewed hope. and sometimes, the most incredible things which we least expect to happen actually do. it seems that they only happen at the moment we finally choose to let go. when we finally choose to stop worrying about them. through the recent events that have occured in the past few days, i can genuinely vouch for that. when life takes away something from you and you feel that all is lost and you can't go on, just remember that something better is always about to come your way. it just takes a little faith. God takes things away only to replace them with something better. some may liken Him to a cruel witch who gives a child a sweet at one moment and takes it away from him the next. but hey, if we don't spit that pathetic little sweet out of our mouths, how are we gonna make room for the delicious chocolate cake? and if we don't get rid of that either, how are we gonna make space for that yummy ben & jerry's chocolate fudge brownie ice-cream? huh? huh?
well, as cliched as this may sound, i truly believe that there is a source behind all things, most of them invisible to the human eye but visible to the heart. and that source is love. and only good can come out of it. and it's this belief that allows my heart to keep on smiling even in the midst of all the pain that this life brings. am i just kidding myself? am i just consoling myself with such delirious delusions? whether i am or not, i choose to hold on to it anyway. what's the point of sulking? since we're already here anyway.
lets see. we had our prom on monday. honestly, the moment i walked through the doors of ritz carlton, i wanted to turn around and run back out again. everyone was clad in their finest, flashes were going off here and there, and the whole scene just seemed to unnerve me. probably also because i couldn't seem to find a familiar face through all the make-up, dyed hair and glitter. but the rest of the evening proved to be a rather enjoyable one. yes, everyone was simply obsessed with taking snapshots together with their friends. i guess i was too. but at times, i was just contented sitting at the empty table where almost 80 times 10 buckeroos worth of food was being laid with noone to finish it up. haha. by the end of that evening though, my jaws were aching like mad. funny and stupid thing is, i look the same in every photo anyway. smiling the same way, posing the same way...haha..whatever it was, i'm glad i came for prom, even if some might beg to differ. and post-prom was just as fine too. =)
anyway, at this moment, i'm rather busy sorting out university applications. i really do want to fly away from here. not because i hate this place, but because i'm seeking change. i need a kick. and i need money too. sponsors, anyone? anyway, i procrastinated for God knows how long and i started getting desperate because only up till recently, i hadn't done a single thing for my future education. then all along, comes this old-time friend of mine who offers to help me...start from scratch. i don't know what i'd have done without you, phaemie. so now, i'll have to rush my applications like mad! and i still need to see my teachers for recommendations! oh boy! pray for me!!
and well, life suddenly seems brighter and filled with renewed hope. and sometimes, the most incredible things which we least expect to happen actually do. it seems that they only happen at the moment we finally choose to let go. when we finally choose to stop worrying about them. through the recent events that have occured in the past few days, i can genuinely vouch for that. when life takes away something from you and you feel that all is lost and you can't go on, just remember that something better is always about to come your way. it just takes a little faith. God takes things away only to replace them with something better. some may liken Him to a cruel witch who gives a child a sweet at one moment and takes it away from him the next. but hey, if we don't spit that pathetic little sweet out of our mouths, how are we gonna make room for the delicious chocolate cake? and if we don't get rid of that either, how are we gonna make space for that yummy ben & jerry's chocolate fudge brownie ice-cream? huh? huh?
well, as cliched as this may sound, i truly believe that there is a source behind all things, most of them invisible to the human eye but visible to the heart. and that source is love. and only good can come out of it. and it's this belief that allows my heart to keep on smiling even in the midst of all the pain that this life brings. am i just kidding myself? am i just consoling myself with such delirious delusions? whether i am or not, i choose to hold on to it anyway. what's the point of sulking? since we're already here anyway.
Sunday, December 07, 2003
konichiwa.
i just returned from the land of the tamagotchi last thursday night.
japan is one helluva interestin place. there's so much to say i don't know where to start. lets see. people there speak japanese without any punctuations whatsoever. it's like a whole string of multiple-syllabled words with no pauses in between it leaves me, the listener, gasping for breath instead. and yes, the girls really do sound that cute. and look that cute too with their two ponytails and bangs and little eyes.
my gosh. almost everyone you come across in the streets is decked in branded goods. japanese lasses go to theme parks like universal studios and disneyland in burberry skirts and stiletto boots which reach up to their knees. and if your hair isn't died, you're considered to be a countryside folk. serious. and it's considered rude for girls not to wear lipstick and dress up when they step out of their houses, even when it's just to get a can of coke from a nearby drink machine. ahuh.
in fact they're so crazy over branded goods that when LV first opened or held a sale(can't recall which), women were queing up with their stools 3 days or so before. just sitting outside there on their stools while their hubbies brought them their lunches and dinners. ah yes, japanese seem to love queues. in fact the longer they queue, the longer it'll get. cos it must be that good right?
at the theme parks, queues stretched like there was no tomorrow. it was a culture shock man. in singapore, i can't imagine pple queuing up so patiently. ah yes, the japanese form a rather gracious society. it was so clean everywhere i went. when someone drops a piece of litter on the floor, he or she'd pick it up. if there's a lack of dustbins around, they'd simply put the trash in their pockets and throw it away later. even if they spilled a drink onto the ground, they'd whip out their tissue paper and wipe it up. yes, i witnessed it. and when we were watching the parade at disneyland, all those at the front would sit down on the ground without being told to do so, just so those at the back had a proper view.
but oh my. everything in japan is so friggin expensive. if i were to stay there any longer, i would've turned into a pauper soon enough. a bowl of plain rice cost almost S$4. can u beat that? for a family of 5 dining at MACS, the damage can reach up to S$60!! if you can afford to take the taxi there, you're a king or queen. it starts of with S$10. so u can imagine the rest! next time any of you wanna start a gp essay with "as standards of living in singapore are getting higher and higher...", just think about japan and shut up. pple there just spend and spend on the craziest things! in singapore, a table at a wedding reception probably costs say $500 or so. it'ss $500 a head there! just too many examples of why i'd be scrounging for your lose change if i were to live there. no wonder why the japanese go crazy when they go shopping in singapore. when i exitted the gate after our plane touched down in singapore, there were already japanese ladies rushing into a bally store at duty free.and i used to wonder who'd go to all these overly-priced stores.
one of the nights, my tour guide brought us to this really good japanese steamboat restaurant in shinjuku in tokyo. however, this restauant happened to be situated near a red-light district. my family finished dinner quite early so we decided to walk around and explore. we saw a building with the letters "HMB" lighted up and it looked exactly like the trademark "HMV" purple logo. so we walked closer to take a well..closer look. "HOT MEN BOX." hahaha.
there's this place in shinjuku where hopeful musicians go to strut their stuff and hopfully get talent-scouted by some big-shot producer. but instead of a big-shot producer, who should come along but the hottest babe ever clad in strips of cloth and stilletto boots and long flowing hair and perfectly flawless skin and a tattoo on her back. "She" starts flirting with the bunch of young musicians and then, struts down the street with the perfect swaying of hips alas, putting a catwalk model to shame.
japanese love to paste instuctions all over their shops. there was this McDonalds which we walked into which had a sign. "You are not allowed to come in just to use the toilet." i found that rather funny. there was also this tourist shop which had more instructions than souvenirs if you ask me. guess that's why everything seems so orderly there.
food there was great. i ate soooo much!! there was one night we went to a hot springs hotel and had a typical japanese dinner. we even had to dress up wearing our japanese "happy coats." it was my first taste of sake. potent stuff man. i drank the whole bottle. since you know, everything in japan is expensive and it would be a waste not to finish it. whoa. i puked my whole stomach and more out man!
ok i have so much more to type but...there's just too much and this is getting too long! so if you wanna know more, come ask me. japan in the eyes of a singaporean 18-yr-old girl.
i just returned from the land of the tamagotchi last thursday night.
japan is one helluva interestin place. there's so much to say i don't know where to start. lets see. people there speak japanese without any punctuations whatsoever. it's like a whole string of multiple-syllabled words with no pauses in between it leaves me, the listener, gasping for breath instead. and yes, the girls really do sound that cute. and look that cute too with their two ponytails and bangs and little eyes.
my gosh. almost everyone you come across in the streets is decked in branded goods. japanese lasses go to theme parks like universal studios and disneyland in burberry skirts and stiletto boots which reach up to their knees. and if your hair isn't died, you're considered to be a countryside folk. serious. and it's considered rude for girls not to wear lipstick and dress up when they step out of their houses, even when it's just to get a can of coke from a nearby drink machine. ahuh.
in fact they're so crazy over branded goods that when LV first opened or held a sale(can't recall which), women were queing up with their stools 3 days or so before. just sitting outside there on their stools while their hubbies brought them their lunches and dinners. ah yes, japanese seem to love queues. in fact the longer they queue, the longer it'll get. cos it must be that good right?
at the theme parks, queues stretched like there was no tomorrow. it was a culture shock man. in singapore, i can't imagine pple queuing up so patiently. ah yes, the japanese form a rather gracious society. it was so clean everywhere i went. when someone drops a piece of litter on the floor, he or she'd pick it up. if there's a lack of dustbins around, they'd simply put the trash in their pockets and throw it away later. even if they spilled a drink onto the ground, they'd whip out their tissue paper and wipe it up. yes, i witnessed it. and when we were watching the parade at disneyland, all those at the front would sit down on the ground without being told to do so, just so those at the back had a proper view.
but oh my. everything in japan is so friggin expensive. if i were to stay there any longer, i would've turned into a pauper soon enough. a bowl of plain rice cost almost S$4. can u beat that? for a family of 5 dining at MACS, the damage can reach up to S$60!! if you can afford to take the taxi there, you're a king or queen. it starts of with S$10. so u can imagine the rest! next time any of you wanna start a gp essay with "as standards of living in singapore are getting higher and higher...", just think about japan and shut up. pple there just spend and spend on the craziest things! in singapore, a table at a wedding reception probably costs say $500 or so. it'ss $500 a head there! just too many examples of why i'd be scrounging for your lose change if i were to live there. no wonder why the japanese go crazy when they go shopping in singapore. when i exitted the gate after our plane touched down in singapore, there were already japanese ladies rushing into a bally store at duty free.and i used to wonder who'd go to all these overly-priced stores.
one of the nights, my tour guide brought us to this really good japanese steamboat restaurant in shinjuku in tokyo. however, this restauant happened to be situated near a red-light district. my family finished dinner quite early so we decided to walk around and explore. we saw a building with the letters "HMB" lighted up and it looked exactly like the trademark "HMV" purple logo. so we walked closer to take a well..closer look. "HOT MEN BOX." hahaha.
there's this place in shinjuku where hopeful musicians go to strut their stuff and hopfully get talent-scouted by some big-shot producer. but instead of a big-shot producer, who should come along but the hottest babe ever clad in strips of cloth and stilletto boots and long flowing hair and perfectly flawless skin and a tattoo on her back. "She" starts flirting with the bunch of young musicians and then, struts down the street with the perfect swaying of hips alas, putting a catwalk model to shame.
japanese love to paste instuctions all over their shops. there was this McDonalds which we walked into which had a sign. "You are not allowed to come in just to use the toilet." i found that rather funny. there was also this tourist shop which had more instructions than souvenirs if you ask me. guess that's why everything seems so orderly there.
food there was great. i ate soooo much!! there was one night we went to a hot springs hotel and had a typical japanese dinner. we even had to dress up wearing our japanese "happy coats." it was my first taste of sake. potent stuff man. i drank the whole bottle. since you know, everything in japan is expensive and it would be a waste not to finish it. whoa. i puked my whole stomach and more out man!
ok i have so much more to type but...there's just too much and this is getting too long! so if you wanna know more, come ask me. japan in the eyes of a singaporean 18-yr-old girl.
Friday, November 28, 2003
ah freeeedom.....how sweeeeet the sound.
u know, it's so easy to create for ourselves a false sense of liberation. haha. like the man who chose not to drink in days, when the first drop of water brushed against his parched throat, how heavenly it felt. now we chose to sit for these As. yes, we did have a choice. (and consequences, haha.) weeks of condemnation to the books and the ten-year-series. no wonder i couldn't stop grinning and laughing like a crazy idiot the moment our freedom was declared!!
but alas, there are new things to worry about. things which i have lazily chose to postpone. sloth is a deadly sin.
i'm talking about the future. ok, i don't know which uni i want to go to. much less, which course i'm heading for. also, what job should i apply for? should i throw away all my notes? (don't throw away! or burn your notes and books! recycle, people!!) what if i wanna rip poor parents off their hard-earned cash and tutor their children? aaah, such difficult decisions i have to make. YAR RIGHT! but, it is difficult. it's not the first time i'm rambling on about this. it's just this stupid "grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side syndrome." it's probably just the fear of possibly having to face regret.
i really admire all those people who've had a childhood ambition since they were 2, and who lived their lives towards that dream and actually achieved it. maybe, i'm even a little envious too. but good on you people. what's my direction in life? what's my desire? what's my dream?
ok, let's talk about the immediate future. i'm leaving for japan tomorrow and i haven't packed yet!!! it's too stressful! haha.
i just, you know, don't wanna do anything. yuck. i'm disgusting.
u know, it's so easy to create for ourselves a false sense of liberation. haha. like the man who chose not to drink in days, when the first drop of water brushed against his parched throat, how heavenly it felt. now we chose to sit for these As. yes, we did have a choice. (and consequences, haha.) weeks of condemnation to the books and the ten-year-series. no wonder i couldn't stop grinning and laughing like a crazy idiot the moment our freedom was declared!!
but alas, there are new things to worry about. things which i have lazily chose to postpone. sloth is a deadly sin.
i'm talking about the future. ok, i don't know which uni i want to go to. much less, which course i'm heading for. also, what job should i apply for? should i throw away all my notes? (don't throw away! or burn your notes and books! recycle, people!!) what if i wanna rip poor parents off their hard-earned cash and tutor their children? aaah, such difficult decisions i have to make. YAR RIGHT! but, it is difficult. it's not the first time i'm rambling on about this. it's just this stupid "grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side syndrome." it's probably just the fear of possibly having to face regret.
i really admire all those people who've had a childhood ambition since they were 2, and who lived their lives towards that dream and actually achieved it. maybe, i'm even a little envious too. but good on you people. what's my direction in life? what's my desire? what's my dream?
ok, let's talk about the immediate future. i'm leaving for japan tomorrow and i haven't packed yet!!! it's too stressful! haha.
i just, you know, don't wanna do anything. yuck. i'm disgusting.
Thursday, November 27, 2003
Monday, November 24, 2003
i love my tv!!!
i can just sit at home the whole day, letting my bum grow bigger, watching the magical box infront of me churn out mysterious holiday destinations, mesmerizing stories about other people's lives, silly, childish cartoons with profound philosophies(watch spongebob), music videos with half-naked ladies and gentle-fellas prancing around, shaking their bon bons. haha. aaaaah, tv is great. it's an excellent form of education and escapism. and it can also be the root of the downfall of my physics papers this week. i watched more tv than books the whole day!!
did i ever tell you how awesomely coooool ian wright is? lonely planet/globe trekker dude.
wowee they're playing coldplay's clocks on radio now. nowadays, whenever i hear a really nice song on radio, it feels like it's my day! like it's so rare to hear a nice song on radio. and sometimes, i purposely leave the radio on and put up with all the other trashy songs in the hope that they'll play the song i'm waiting for. of course, i could just turn on the com and play the mp3. but when it's played on radio, it's different. cos you're playing with chance.
oh yes, selamat hari raya to all my muslim friends!!! i'm quite amazed by all you who are so disciplined in fasting. i remember when i was in netball, our trainings were killer! and in the cruel harsh morning sun, every water break was NIRVANA. and while we were gulping down our ice cold water from our tumblers, the muslim girls would remain unfazed and resistant to temptation. they trained with us anyway. while fasting. takes real self-discipline and strength.
i wanna do so many things on thursday after the last paper, i don't know where to start. knowing me, i probably might end up not making any plans in the end! haha. whatever it is, i'm definitely going to get myself some real good books to read and hit the music stores and get tuna sushi. i probably won't go partying like a crazy animal. i just feel like bumming... properly. proper stress-free bummin!
a pretty interesting quote from a pretty old book:
"a cheerful person with a good attitude will have a good appetite and enjoy his food!" -sirach 30:25
i can just sit at home the whole day, letting my bum grow bigger, watching the magical box infront of me churn out mysterious holiday destinations, mesmerizing stories about other people's lives, silly, childish cartoons with profound philosophies(watch spongebob), music videos with half-naked ladies and gentle-fellas prancing around, shaking their bon bons. haha. aaaaah, tv is great. it's an excellent form of education and escapism. and it can also be the root of the downfall of my physics papers this week. i watched more tv than books the whole day!!
did i ever tell you how awesomely coooool ian wright is? lonely planet/globe trekker dude.
wowee they're playing coldplay's clocks on radio now. nowadays, whenever i hear a really nice song on radio, it feels like it's my day! like it's so rare to hear a nice song on radio. and sometimes, i purposely leave the radio on and put up with all the other trashy songs in the hope that they'll play the song i'm waiting for. of course, i could just turn on the com and play the mp3. but when it's played on radio, it's different. cos you're playing with chance.
oh yes, selamat hari raya to all my muslim friends!!! i'm quite amazed by all you who are so disciplined in fasting. i remember when i was in netball, our trainings were killer! and in the cruel harsh morning sun, every water break was NIRVANA. and while we were gulping down our ice cold water from our tumblers, the muslim girls would remain unfazed and resistant to temptation. they trained with us anyway. while fasting. takes real self-discipline and strength.
i wanna do so many things on thursday after the last paper, i don't know where to start. knowing me, i probably might end up not making any plans in the end! haha. whatever it is, i'm definitely going to get myself some real good books to read and hit the music stores and get tuna sushi. i probably won't go partying like a crazy animal. i just feel like bumming... properly. proper stress-free bummin!
a pretty interesting quote from a pretty old book:
"a cheerful person with a good attitude will have a good appetite and enjoy his food!" -sirach 30:25
Sunday, November 23, 2003
aaaaah....this is awesome. haha.
well, see, my com crashed recently. thanks to a beloved sibling. but hey, i'm bumming on my bed now, enjoying the laptop experience. first time ever, in the comfort of my own room, on my own bed....haha feels great. i'm lovin' it! maybe they should use me for one of those macs adverts they line the trays with haha. swaku, what to do?
"i am sam" is brilliant. never fail to cry everytime i watch it. (it's quite embarrassing when you're watching a movie alone on tv and ur younger brother walks in and finds you sniffling. it is!) i love everything about it. the story, the characters, the script, the music, the colours, the cinematography...aaah, such a beautiful story. won't be too long before i watch it again.
wide awake now cos i spent a major part of saturday sleeping, what with a blasting headache which refused to go away for a rather long time. well, it's gone now. but i fear. if i don't sleep soon, i'll spend a major part of today like yesterday...really, i should try to study when i have some free time. haha. =p
2 more papers!!! then total freedom! well, not totally. but aaaah, i can't wait. on friday, i was supposed to be studying in the morning for the afternoon physics papers but daydreams took over. what i'd be doing after the As....well, i daydreamed so much i was almost panicking while walking into the exam hall cos i hadn't finished studying all that i was supposed to. but it wasn't so bad in the end haha.
sometimes i wish i could switch off my mind. thinking and thinking and thinking. getting nowhere but down, down, down. stop thinking, mind!!!
sometimes, i look back at the things i've done, what i've achieved, songs i've composed or stories i've written. then i think to myself, how did i ever manage to do all those things? i tell myself i can't possibly do the same now. but that's what i told myself then. so sometimes, maybe it really is divine intervention. god planting his seeds in us. and we never really see the full glory and beauty of it until it's really over. but many a times, we choose to give up halfway, cos we lose sight so easily. it's such a waste. it's so sad. hopefully, i'll be able to see the big picture one day, after all this is over, and be able to smile and be thankful that i was granted the strength and grace not to give up, no matter how many times i've been tempted to.
i seem to have alot of things to say now. but it's all probably just gonna turn out like mindless ramblings i.e. the above.
thanks ruoxi and my annonymous friend for the shoutouts. have a lovely week ahead, you!
well, see, my com crashed recently. thanks to a beloved sibling. but hey, i'm bumming on my bed now, enjoying the laptop experience. first time ever, in the comfort of my own room, on my own bed....haha feels great. i'm lovin' it! maybe they should use me for one of those macs adverts they line the trays with haha. swaku, what to do?
"i am sam" is brilliant. never fail to cry everytime i watch it. (it's quite embarrassing when you're watching a movie alone on tv and ur younger brother walks in and finds you sniffling. it is!) i love everything about it. the story, the characters, the script, the music, the colours, the cinematography...aaah, such a beautiful story. won't be too long before i watch it again.
wide awake now cos i spent a major part of saturday sleeping, what with a blasting headache which refused to go away for a rather long time. well, it's gone now. but i fear. if i don't sleep soon, i'll spend a major part of today like yesterday...really, i should try to study when i have some free time. haha. =p
2 more papers!!! then total freedom! well, not totally. but aaaah, i can't wait. on friday, i was supposed to be studying in the morning for the afternoon physics papers but daydreams took over. what i'd be doing after the As....well, i daydreamed so much i was almost panicking while walking into the exam hall cos i hadn't finished studying all that i was supposed to. but it wasn't so bad in the end haha.
sometimes i wish i could switch off my mind. thinking and thinking and thinking. getting nowhere but down, down, down. stop thinking, mind!!!
sometimes, i look back at the things i've done, what i've achieved, songs i've composed or stories i've written. then i think to myself, how did i ever manage to do all those things? i tell myself i can't possibly do the same now. but that's what i told myself then. so sometimes, maybe it really is divine intervention. god planting his seeds in us. and we never really see the full glory and beauty of it until it's really over. but many a times, we choose to give up halfway, cos we lose sight so easily. it's such a waste. it's so sad. hopefully, i'll be able to see the big picture one day, after all this is over, and be able to smile and be thankful that i was granted the strength and grace not to give up, no matter how many times i've been tempted to.
i seem to have alot of things to say now. but it's all probably just gonna turn out like mindless ramblings i.e. the above.
thanks ruoxi and my annonymous friend for the shoutouts. have a lovely week ahead, you!
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
things are just the way they are. and we choose to see them the way we choose to see them. the world was bleak and pointless to me, yesterday, and maybe the former half of today. now, the world still seems pointless. BUT, it now seems filled with renewed hope. nope, nothing's actually changed. the situations are the way they have been. but my mindset has changed. and that's really all that matters.
i'm looking forward to the rest of the day and the life to come. i know i won't always be adopting such an attitude. and one upset would probably be enough to make me change my mind. but hey, can anyone or anything really MAKE us do anything? seriously, no. i sure hope i remember that.
Life is a state of mind.
i'm looking forward to the rest of the day and the life to come. i know i won't always be adopting such an attitude. and one upset would probably be enough to make me change my mind. but hey, can anyone or anything really MAKE us do anything? seriously, no. i sure hope i remember that.
Life is a state of mind.
isn't the sight of an abandoned blog such a sad one?
words are racing through my mind, sporadically. but none seem to stop for breath. so i'm just leaving sympathy words here for a decomposing blog, almost forgotten and covered in dust as life passes it by.
have you ever tried to cry just so that you'd know there was still something alive in you? just so you'd know that some things still touch your heart in the deepest crevices? to bleed just to know you're alive?
it's funny. things SEEM to tug at my heart's strings easily these days. but the tears just crystallise before they can ever come out. and i wonder whether i've grown cold. whether in psycho-ing myself into thinking i've become stronger, i've only just become frozen. it's scary. i don't want to be that way. it seems that if we can't feel anymore, we've more or less died. that's when everything seems empty. that's when the maggots in our minds devour us.
is it the exams that taint my vision with a tint of blue? why does everything....seem so sad? why does my heart....feel so bad?
words are racing through my mind, sporadically. but none seem to stop for breath. so i'm just leaving sympathy words here for a decomposing blog, almost forgotten and covered in dust as life passes it by.
have you ever tried to cry just so that you'd know there was still something alive in you? just so you'd know that some things still touch your heart in the deepest crevices? to bleed just to know you're alive?
it's funny. things SEEM to tug at my heart's strings easily these days. but the tears just crystallise before they can ever come out. and i wonder whether i've grown cold. whether in psycho-ing myself into thinking i've become stronger, i've only just become frozen. it's scary. i don't want to be that way. it seems that if we can't feel anymore, we've more or less died. that's when everything seems empty. that's when the maggots in our minds devour us.
is it the exams that taint my vision with a tint of blue? why does everything....seem so sad? why does my heart....feel so bad?
Friday, November 07, 2003
it's funny. the big As seem to be getting smaller the nearer they draw. everyone around me seems to be getting more and more uptight. as though they are about to enter into judgement day. they're getting all impatient and petty(over the smallest things) and jumpy and SUPER KANCHIONG. ok. it's not everyone. just a few. but i study with them often. and the more stressed they seem to be getting, the more relaxed i am finding myself to be.
i guess it's because i don't think it's all that big and scary a monster as i made it out to be at first. i guess it's because i know my whole life doesn't depend on it, though many would argue otherwise. but i'm not saying that this gives me a right to slack. cos hey, i'm in this already. and everything we do is a total waste of time and effort if we don't give it our best, right?
it feels good not to cling. clinging is really tiring. and boring. and the anxiety and waiting just kills us slowly. letting go is so much better. at least, we get somewhere. and when we let go with faith, there is no room for worry. just enjoy the ride on the way. worry is so tiring. it's just a waste of time and effort too. it does nothing but wear us out and weigh us down. maybe that's why i'm not getting that stressed. it's just too much trouble.
and as a proffesional bum, that's just a no-no. it's like waking up at 6am when you can wake up at noon. haha. err....
i guess it's because i don't think it's all that big and scary a monster as i made it out to be at first. i guess it's because i know my whole life doesn't depend on it, though many would argue otherwise. but i'm not saying that this gives me a right to slack. cos hey, i'm in this already. and everything we do is a total waste of time and effort if we don't give it our best, right?
it feels good not to cling. clinging is really tiring. and boring. and the anxiety and waiting just kills us slowly. letting go is so much better. at least, we get somewhere. and when we let go with faith, there is no room for worry. just enjoy the ride on the way. worry is so tiring. it's just a waste of time and effort too. it does nothing but wear us out and weigh us down. maybe that's why i'm not getting that stressed. it's just too much trouble.
and as a proffesional bum, that's just a no-no. it's like waking up at 6am when you can wake up at noon. haha. err....
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
it seems that the more happening life gets, the less i blog. and now as i'm blogging, i feel an obligation to. a whole episode has just passed me by. in the recent weeks.
i was happy. then i was sad. like a bubble a child blew just so he could marvel at it, but then decided to poke it before it rose too high and he couldn't reach it anymore. why can't we just let those bubbles be? but they burst anyway. because nothing is permament. it will all pass us by. knowing this and accepting it, i am able to let it all go and be happy again.
i learnt many things.
about the inconstant, rash, unpredictable and sometimes foolish human heart. as much as we can't help but fall in love with the beauty we see in others, we must always remember that. people fall. people change. people change their minds. people change their hearts. we can never fully depend on anyone. when we love, we are taking a giant leap of trust. of courage. yes, the heart is such a delicate, fragile thing. simple and yet, so complex, all at once. and understanding this, i have been able to find in my own heart, a place for forgiveness. and the strength to let go.
that there is no hurry. there is no rush. there is no room for worry. for there is a time for everything. and what we have, we should treasure and nurture. to throw it all away in one rash act, governed by desire...was it really worth it? it might have been. and it might have not. and knowing this too, i have been able to let go.
that when things are right infront of you at a particular moment, they may SEEM like the biggest things in your life. but do not be disillusioned. an illusion can be the mastermind of a really cruel game. and often is. knowing this, we must never lose sight of the things that matter most. even when we can't see it so well. or not even at all. it takes faith. and faith is more reliable than our own eyes.
that everything DOES happen for a reason. at the time it should happen. that there is a reason for all that heartbreak and distress. we should appreciate those painful moments. rising out of it, we become stronger than ever. and go through life more gracefully. sink in self-misery, self-pity, self-hate and self-everything, we fall deeper and deeper into our own black-holes. and what happens when you fall into a black hole?
i learnt that my heartbreak and distress could help me put a smile on someone else's face and make one believe that it's possible for things to actually get better. i learnt that someone else's heartbreak and distress could do the same for me. we aren't here just for ourselves.
that we can find solace in the most unexpected places. that things can turn out totally different from anything we'd ever expect. and the cool part is, they usually turn out better than we'd ever expect them to. if only we'd just try to see that and not be tied down by what WE want.
yes, i have learnt all this and much more. God works in the most mysterious ways, strange and wonderful, all at once. i'm truly amazed. and it's just awesome to be able to see magic in all things. yes, God's continuously working his miracles in all things. if only we could see.
and i learnt that at this moment, i have found myself to be hopelessly addicted to "hey ya" by outkast. anti-climax. haha. i'm sleepy!!
a long day looms ahead. and i should be in a foul mood if i've been robbed of precious minutes of sleep. later!
i was happy. then i was sad. like a bubble a child blew just so he could marvel at it, but then decided to poke it before it rose too high and he couldn't reach it anymore. why can't we just let those bubbles be? but they burst anyway. because nothing is permament. it will all pass us by. knowing this and accepting it, i am able to let it all go and be happy again.
i learnt many things.
about the inconstant, rash, unpredictable and sometimes foolish human heart. as much as we can't help but fall in love with the beauty we see in others, we must always remember that. people fall. people change. people change their minds. people change their hearts. we can never fully depend on anyone. when we love, we are taking a giant leap of trust. of courage. yes, the heart is such a delicate, fragile thing. simple and yet, so complex, all at once. and understanding this, i have been able to find in my own heart, a place for forgiveness. and the strength to let go.
that there is no hurry. there is no rush. there is no room for worry. for there is a time for everything. and what we have, we should treasure and nurture. to throw it all away in one rash act, governed by desire...was it really worth it? it might have been. and it might have not. and knowing this too, i have been able to let go.
that when things are right infront of you at a particular moment, they may SEEM like the biggest things in your life. but do not be disillusioned. an illusion can be the mastermind of a really cruel game. and often is. knowing this, we must never lose sight of the things that matter most. even when we can't see it so well. or not even at all. it takes faith. and faith is more reliable than our own eyes.
that everything DOES happen for a reason. at the time it should happen. that there is a reason for all that heartbreak and distress. we should appreciate those painful moments. rising out of it, we become stronger than ever. and go through life more gracefully. sink in self-misery, self-pity, self-hate and self-everything, we fall deeper and deeper into our own black-holes. and what happens when you fall into a black hole?
i learnt that my heartbreak and distress could help me put a smile on someone else's face and make one believe that it's possible for things to actually get better. i learnt that someone else's heartbreak and distress could do the same for me. we aren't here just for ourselves.
that we can find solace in the most unexpected places. that things can turn out totally different from anything we'd ever expect. and the cool part is, they usually turn out better than we'd ever expect them to. if only we'd just try to see that and not be tied down by what WE want.
yes, i have learnt all this and much more. God works in the most mysterious ways, strange and wonderful, all at once. i'm truly amazed. and it's just awesome to be able to see magic in all things. yes, God's continuously working his miracles in all things. if only we could see.
and i learnt that at this moment, i have found myself to be hopelessly addicted to "hey ya" by outkast. anti-climax. haha. i'm sleepy!!
a long day looms ahead. and i should be in a foul mood if i've been robbed of precious minutes of sleep. later!
Monday, October 20, 2003
Sunday, October 12, 2003
i am so amazed by the uncertainties and unpredictabilities of life. the way things work out in the least expected ways. and totally turn our worlds upside down and make us question all that we thought we once knew. and then, out of the blue, nothing is the same anymore.
i am in an utter state of confusion. a million and one things spinning through my mind, like a restless whirlwind.
is it A, B ,C or D? can i use my life-line? what about 50-50? what does the audience have to say about this?
then, without a clue whatsoever...
so, what about E?
E? what's that all about? you mean there's an E? could it be...E? is this for real???
it's chaotic. it's a lil sad. it's such a tease.
and strangely, it's also beautiful.
i am in an utter state of confusion. a million and one things spinning through my mind, like a restless whirlwind.
is it A, B ,C or D? can i use my life-line? what about 50-50? what does the audience have to say about this?
then, without a clue whatsoever...
so, what about E?
E? what's that all about? you mean there's an E? could it be...E? is this for real???
it's chaotic. it's a lil sad. it's such a tease.
and strangely, it's also beautiful.
Sunday, October 05, 2003
Friday, October 03, 2003
no i haven't died. and i haven't given up on blogging. ;)
just feeling so utterly tired nowadays. i don't know why. but i have this inkling that it's because i've been thinking way too much for my own good. about...things.
my soul seems heavy. it seems to take way too much effort to drag it around. as though i were heaving a rotting carcass on my back. it seems too tiring to live, to talk, to smile, to open my eyes, to sleep, to eat, to be.
i want to be so much more than i am now. i want to change so many things. i want to say so much. i want to go somewhere.
but i don't know how. either that, or i'm just too afraid to. day by day, i seem to be losing that spark in me. till i now wonder whether it was ever really there. there's only so much brands essence of chicken i can gulp down in a day, right?
it appears to me that i've been worrying too much. i seem to be losing faith. in myself, in people, in my life, in god. i seemed to have let doubt creep into the crevices of my mind and slowly, i'm losing trust in the most important things. the things that matter. what's happening? why?
it's funny that when i start losing sight of things, i start wondering whether they ever existed in the first place. but a tiny glimmer of faith still remains. and a dash of hope too. that those things have always been there. and i want to stop fighting this losing battle. with worry and anxiety, i can never win. it's a sure way to suicide, in all sense of the word. sometimes i wonder if at times, i turned my depression into my heroine. the perfect drug for self-destruction. something tells me that i should just let go. to stop clinging on to such things. to unlock the chains i chained unto myself and just float away into the new day....
and a nagging voice amidst all the chicken voices in my head tells me that i should get up off my fat ass and do something about IT. now.
and a beautiful song which says it all for the moment : Bigger than my Body - John Mayer
just feeling so utterly tired nowadays. i don't know why. but i have this inkling that it's because i've been thinking way too much for my own good. about...things.
my soul seems heavy. it seems to take way too much effort to drag it around. as though i were heaving a rotting carcass on my back. it seems too tiring to live, to talk, to smile, to open my eyes, to sleep, to eat, to be.
i want to be so much more than i am now. i want to change so many things. i want to say so much. i want to go somewhere.
but i don't know how. either that, or i'm just too afraid to. day by day, i seem to be losing that spark in me. till i now wonder whether it was ever really there. there's only so much brands essence of chicken i can gulp down in a day, right?
it appears to me that i've been worrying too much. i seem to be losing faith. in myself, in people, in my life, in god. i seemed to have let doubt creep into the crevices of my mind and slowly, i'm losing trust in the most important things. the things that matter. what's happening? why?
it's funny that when i start losing sight of things, i start wondering whether they ever existed in the first place. but a tiny glimmer of faith still remains. and a dash of hope too. that those things have always been there. and i want to stop fighting this losing battle. with worry and anxiety, i can never win. it's a sure way to suicide, in all sense of the word. sometimes i wonder if at times, i turned my depression into my heroine. the perfect drug for self-destruction. something tells me that i should just let go. to stop clinging on to such things. to unlock the chains i chained unto myself and just float away into the new day....
and a nagging voice amidst all the chicken voices in my head tells me that i should get up off my fat ass and do something about IT. now.
and a beautiful song which says it all for the moment : Bigger than my Body - John Mayer
Monday, September 29, 2003
can we ever really be free?
there is always something we're yearning for
love, happiness, a friend, a chocolate, a great figure, revenge, to feel....
we're so tied down by the shackles of desire and sometimes maybe greed.
there is always something left to be yearned for.
to be free is to want nothing.
for nothing can keep you captive no more.
"he who wants nothing is invincible."
(valuable quote from the corniest mexiCAN movie ever, Once Upon A Time In Mexico)
he is free.
but i can't imagine a life like that.
what we yearn for makes up the essence of who we are.
so maybe i don't want to be COMPLETELY and UTTERLY free.
so there'll always be something to look forward to.
freedom,how sweet the sound.
but it would mean absolute contentment.
and do i want that?
i really don't know...
"the seaweed is always greener, on somebody else's lake."
there is always something we're yearning for
love, happiness, a friend, a chocolate, a great figure, revenge, to feel....
we're so tied down by the shackles of desire and sometimes maybe greed.
there is always something left to be yearned for.
to be free is to want nothing.
for nothing can keep you captive no more.
"he who wants nothing is invincible."
(valuable quote from the corniest mexiCAN movie ever, Once Upon A Time In Mexico)
he is free.
but i can't imagine a life like that.
what we yearn for makes up the essence of who we are.
so maybe i don't want to be COMPLETELY and UTTERLY free.
so there'll always be something to look forward to.
freedom,how sweet the sound.
but it would mean absolute contentment.
and do i want that?
i really don't know...
"the seaweed is always greener, on somebody else's lake."
Saturday, September 20, 2003
results. we got them back yesterday. a sordid affair. so emotionally traumatising. before you can get over the trauma from one paper, another is thrown at you. they gave it ALL back at once.
"190!"
"here! what the..hey how much is this upon? oh my good..."
"190!"
"yes yes here! physics paper 3 shit have to go for the stupid saturday reme.."
"190!"
that was how it was like. (my index no is 190). hands shaking, eyes unblinking, heart thumping at 100 beats per second ready to jump out of my mouth...i was so totally overwhelmed i did not know which paper to start with first.
i really don't know what to make of these results. because i have never studied so hard in my life. i think. and i have to start thinking (should have started long ago) what the hell i'm supposed to do with my life. where....? what....? which...?
but i know that at the end of the day, this is all nothing. it will all fade away one day. that night, as i closed my eyes, the question was asked. "who do YOU say i am?" and at once, all i saw was darkness except a glimmer of light in the midst of it. only one thing will remain. YOU are everything. all others will cease to exist one day and fade into the blackness of nothingness. all except YOU, the everlasting.
so all you who feel despondent and discouraged cos of the results, dont be. it's nothing. nothing! why work so hard for it then? well, my reason is because we're already here. what's the point of trying then? if we'll reach the same end anyway? hey, what's the point of NOT trying?
"190!"
"here! what the..hey how much is this upon? oh my good..."
"190!"
"yes yes here! physics paper 3 shit have to go for the stupid saturday reme.."
"190!"
that was how it was like. (my index no is 190). hands shaking, eyes unblinking, heart thumping at 100 beats per second ready to jump out of my mouth...i was so totally overwhelmed i did not know which paper to start with first.
i really don't know what to make of these results. because i have never studied so hard in my life. i think. and i have to start thinking (should have started long ago) what the hell i'm supposed to do with my life. where....? what....? which...?
but i know that at the end of the day, this is all nothing. it will all fade away one day. that night, as i closed my eyes, the question was asked. "who do YOU say i am?" and at once, all i saw was darkness except a glimmer of light in the midst of it. only one thing will remain. YOU are everything. all others will cease to exist one day and fade into the blackness of nothingness. all except YOU, the everlasting.
so all you who feel despondent and discouraged cos of the results, dont be. it's nothing. nothing! why work so hard for it then? well, my reason is because we're already here. what's the point of trying then? if we'll reach the same end anyway? hey, what's the point of NOT trying?
Saturday, September 13, 2003
i wouldn't trade it for anything.
a holiday really does wonders for the mind, body and soul.
if you're feeling so utterly tired of life right now, if you're feeling as though you just need a break from the shit-hole you're living in, if you're feeling jaded by your monotonous way of life, it's your whole entire being telling you, "hey, it's time to go for a holiday." a proper one. and nope, i don't mean a permanent one, no.
club med's good. they should pay me. i've turned into a walking club med advertisement! woohoo!
really, there's just too much to say. i'm overwhelmed. come ask me personally if you wanna know more about it. anyway, school's starting soon. until then, not touching no books till monday. just gonna relax a bit, watch some tv, read a book, indulge in some good music...blabla.
it's your life. you can pretty much do just about anything you want with it, no?
a holiday really does wonders for the mind, body and soul.
if you're feeling so utterly tired of life right now, if you're feeling as though you just need a break from the shit-hole you're living in, if you're feeling jaded by your monotonous way of life, it's your whole entire being telling you, "hey, it's time to go for a holiday." a proper one. and nope, i don't mean a permanent one, no.
club med's good. they should pay me. i've turned into a walking club med advertisement! woohoo!
really, there's just too much to say. i'm overwhelmed. come ask me personally if you wanna know more about it. anyway, school's starting soon. until then, not touching no books till monday. just gonna relax a bit, watch some tv, read a book, indulge in some good music...blabla.
it's your life. you can pretty much do just about anything you want with it, no?
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
He's so amazing. In just 3 days, He can do all that to people. He listens to the smallest cries of distress, even when you think noone's listening or watching. and it doesn't go ignored. it's hard to worry when you know He's always here. He held my hand as i walked through new rough terrains where everyone was none but a stranger. and when He came into the room that night, my eyes did not see Him but my soul knew. and the tears just streamed down. and i knew. why He loves me so much, i still don't know. but thank you for loving me so much.
the words escape me. they do no justice anyway.
***
quick update: i was at a retreat from friday till yesterday. i went tired and with a heavy heart, wondering how i would get through it. i left with a smile on my face and a grin in my heart.
***
i'll be going to clubmed at bintan with sheryl tomorrow. which means that i'll be away from home for 3 days. again...i'm rather excited. but sheryl and i were wondering where to buy pep spray from. and we've been coming up with plans to avoid cuckoo stalkers in case there are any. and we're seriously hoping and praying there are no deranged bombermen there with no better way to dispose of their surplus explosives. my brother keeps insisting we should have gone for a cruise instead. actually i don't mind that too. anyway, hope we'll have a really fine time there. make our 4oo plus buckeroos worth it!!
now, what should i pack??
the words escape me. they do no justice anyway.
***
quick update: i was at a retreat from friday till yesterday. i went tired and with a heavy heart, wondering how i would get through it. i left with a smile on my face and a grin in my heart.
***
i'll be going to clubmed at bintan with sheryl tomorrow. which means that i'll be away from home for 3 days. again...i'm rather excited. but sheryl and i were wondering where to buy pep spray from. and we've been coming up with plans to avoid cuckoo stalkers in case there are any. and we're seriously hoping and praying there are no deranged bombermen there with no better way to dispose of their surplus explosives. my brother keeps insisting we should have gone for a cruise instead. actually i don't mind that too. anyway, hope we'll have a really fine time there. make our 4oo plus buckeroos worth it!!
now, what should i pack??
Thursday, September 04, 2003
have you had that feeling, how when you suddenly have so many things to do in your life, that you just don't feel like doing anything at all? or how when there are just so many people you have to meet, that you just don't feel like meeting anyone at all? or how when there's just so much to say, that you just don't feel like saying anything at all?
Monday, September 01, 2003
right now, it's 17 minutes into the new day. today marks a really important day in my life. a turning point. a decision i'm making for myself and which life has made for me. i tell myself it's all for the better, to snap me out of the staleness i've been living in for so long. but am i just kidding myself? am i just consoling myself for something i'm gonna lose? am i gonna lose something important to me because of this? i'm sad and i'm worried because it's not a sure thing. there are so many things i would've loved to have done to put a stop to this anxiety, such unnecessary anxiety. but i fear the regrets that might come thereafter. i'd rather live with the hope that all is not lost than know for sure that it is. but i guess that's the reason why it's all getting stale.
so, today is a turning point. whether i like it or not, i must move on. i must embrace the new day and the new life ahead of me. it's going to be tough. i know it is. even though i tell myself it's no biggie.
i hope an answer may come to me one day, that i'll find it. i hope i'll know what to do about this whole thing. i hope i'll get through this and live to tell it without shedding a tear too many.
Dear God, please help me. Thank you.
(p.s. no, i didn't break up or anything. so that means, i leave you clueless again. =P )
so, today is a turning point. whether i like it or not, i must move on. i must embrace the new day and the new life ahead of me. it's going to be tough. i know it is. even though i tell myself it's no biggie.
i hope an answer may come to me one day, that i'll find it. i hope i'll know what to do about this whole thing. i hope i'll get through this and live to tell it without shedding a tear too many.
Dear God, please help me. Thank you.
(p.s. no, i didn't break up or anything. so that means, i leave you clueless again. =P )
Thursday, August 28, 2003
OCTOPUSSES ARE AMAZING!!!
i was watching a documentary on them on national geographic just now. here's some of what i picked out. the males compete for their mates in really interesting ways. when a competitor comes along, they engage in a fight. how? they use intimidation by showing off the tentacles with their largest suction thingies. and when one of them realises his suction thingies are not as big, he just wanders off. haha. it's amazing! they actually know where their largest suction thingies are. and there are so many on each of their tentacles! how do they know? do they actually sit in one corner and examine all their tentacles to find the one with the largest suction thingies.(i'm sorry i can't remember the exact term used)
also, as some of you might have known before, octopusses can squeeze into anything! the smallest and narrows tubes and holes. on the show just now, there was a whole series of tanks connected to each other by tubes, straight ones and curly-wurly ones. and the strange thing is that these octopusses just go through each and every one of them without anyone telling them to do so! it's in the nature of octopusses. they have the tendency to explore every single place which is why they can be found in almost any place in the world's oceans. they can survive in the shallowest of waters and even in the deepest where the sun don't shine. some have really, really huge eyes, so that they can see in those really deep regions.
those look really amusing. and pretty scary. like ghosts with large eyes. cos they're all pale and white and flowy.
octopusses look really interesting...some have those tentacles with so many of those suction thingies while others have tentacles covered with strange little antennas(feelers). some have a blanket of skin joining all their tentacles. their skin is almost see-through. they look really awesome and beautiful! then there's even one who looks like an elephant, and it's nicknamed dumbo. there were so many others. there's something sacred and mystical about watching all those ocopusses, each kind distinct in its own way, floating mysteriously in the darkest and deepest of oceans. not all species of octopusses have been discovered yet. simply cos they can survive in the craziest places, places where no man has ever gone or can go to.
everything about octopusses is strange. their lives, their instincts, the way they adapt, the way they socialise....if one creature can be so amazing, imagine the rest of the world...just makes me feel so excited about living and going out there! have a nice day ;)
what's playing now : Beautiful by Belle and Sebastian
i was watching a documentary on them on national geographic just now. here's some of what i picked out. the males compete for their mates in really interesting ways. when a competitor comes along, they engage in a fight. how? they use intimidation by showing off the tentacles with their largest suction thingies. and when one of them realises his suction thingies are not as big, he just wanders off. haha. it's amazing! they actually know where their largest suction thingies are. and there are so many on each of their tentacles! how do they know? do they actually sit in one corner and examine all their tentacles to find the one with the largest suction thingies.(i'm sorry i can't remember the exact term used)
also, as some of you might have known before, octopusses can squeeze into anything! the smallest and narrows tubes and holes. on the show just now, there was a whole series of tanks connected to each other by tubes, straight ones and curly-wurly ones. and the strange thing is that these octopusses just go through each and every one of them without anyone telling them to do so! it's in the nature of octopusses. they have the tendency to explore every single place which is why they can be found in almost any place in the world's oceans. they can survive in the shallowest of waters and even in the deepest where the sun don't shine. some have really, really huge eyes, so that they can see in those really deep regions.
those look really amusing. and pretty scary. like ghosts with large eyes. cos they're all pale and white and flowy.
octopusses look really interesting...some have those tentacles with so many of those suction thingies while others have tentacles covered with strange little antennas(feelers). some have a blanket of skin joining all their tentacles. their skin is almost see-through. they look really awesome and beautiful! then there's even one who looks like an elephant, and it's nicknamed dumbo. there were so many others. there's something sacred and mystical about watching all those ocopusses, each kind distinct in its own way, floating mysteriously in the darkest and deepest of oceans. not all species of octopusses have been discovered yet. simply cos they can survive in the craziest places, places where no man has ever gone or can go to.
everything about octopusses is strange. their lives, their instincts, the way they adapt, the way they socialise....if one creature can be so amazing, imagine the rest of the world...just makes me feel so excited about living and going out there! have a nice day ;)
what's playing now : Beautiful by Belle and Sebastian
wooooh! what a sense of liberation. it feels as though the exams are over!!! but they're not.
we had physics paper 1 and 2 today. more horror stories! which idiot leaves blanks in the mcq part? well if i just called you an idiot, don't fret. i'm one too! it's funny how they announced that we should try not to leave blanks in our mcqs cos we have a 25% chance of getting the answer right ONLY WHEN ALL THE MCQ PAPERS HAVE BEEN DONE!!! haha, jokers.
also, i was fuming at the stupid compass. ok, smart compass. since mars lent it to me and i should be thankful for it. ( i swear there's some invisible monster in my house eating up my curve rulers and the contents of my geometry sets. they're empty! wonder if its name is pravin or jeevan(brothers)) anyway, this compass. it just wouldn't stay still. i had to keep re-drawing my magnetic fields. to make matters worse, low came to my desk and started hovering over me which was really stressful cos she's always so particular about whether your circle is a circle or your straight line is a straight line or your ass is an ass. was getting so stressed and pissed, then i just drew my magnetic field so horribly and flipped the page so she wouldn't have nothin to see anymore haha. damn.
and i have a complain. i hope an acjc teacher reads this. (be careful what you hope for, shireen) how are we supposed to finish so many questions which require so much content each in such short periods of time????? so demoralising! and so frustrating! the whole prelims have been one big exam to test how fast you can speed-write and speed-read. ok, maybe it's just me. yea, maybe. aaargh.
ANYWAY. as i was saying quite a while ago, it feels like the exams are over. cos the pain in the asses are over. the big ones. they're not all over. but at least, the finishing line doesn't seem so far anymore. it's just how i finish it now. haha. so to celebrate the "exams-are-almost-over-day", i shall not study today. oh no. but everyday is an "exams-are-almost-over-day" from now on! ok. today shall be "7-days-till-exams-are-over-day". there. better. what a waste of time and space this paragraph is. let me put an end to it and start a new one.
ok people. you should all go and check out olivia lee's website if you haven't yet. click on OLIVE'S link at the top and go check out her online scratchpad ver 2.0. it's all original and it's full of surprises. ollie is very talented. she's amazing. oooh, how jealous i am. quick!!! stop reading my stupid blog and go check it out!!! now!!!
(another song : Numb by U2)
we had physics paper 1 and 2 today. more horror stories! which idiot leaves blanks in the mcq part? well if i just called you an idiot, don't fret. i'm one too! it's funny how they announced that we should try not to leave blanks in our mcqs cos we have a 25% chance of getting the answer right ONLY WHEN ALL THE MCQ PAPERS HAVE BEEN DONE!!! haha, jokers.
also, i was fuming at the stupid compass. ok, smart compass. since mars lent it to me and i should be thankful for it. ( i swear there's some invisible monster in my house eating up my curve rulers and the contents of my geometry sets. they're empty! wonder if its name is pravin or jeevan(brothers)) anyway, this compass. it just wouldn't stay still. i had to keep re-drawing my magnetic fields. to make matters worse, low came to my desk and started hovering over me which was really stressful cos she's always so particular about whether your circle is a circle or your straight line is a straight line or your ass is an ass. was getting so stressed and pissed, then i just drew my magnetic field so horribly and flipped the page so she wouldn't have nothin to see anymore haha. damn.
and i have a complain. i hope an acjc teacher reads this. (be careful what you hope for, shireen) how are we supposed to finish so many questions which require so much content each in such short periods of time????? so demoralising! and so frustrating! the whole prelims have been one big exam to test how fast you can speed-write and speed-read. ok, maybe it's just me. yea, maybe. aaargh.
ANYWAY. as i was saying quite a while ago, it feels like the exams are over. cos the pain in the asses are over. the big ones. they're not all over. but at least, the finishing line doesn't seem so far anymore. it's just how i finish it now. haha. so to celebrate the "exams-are-almost-over-day", i shall not study today. oh no. but everyday is an "exams-are-almost-over-day" from now on! ok. today shall be "7-days-till-exams-are-over-day". there. better. what a waste of time and space this paragraph is. let me put an end to it and start a new one.
ok people. you should all go and check out olivia lee's website if you haven't yet. click on OLIVE'S link at the top and go check out her online scratchpad ver 2.0. it's all original and it's full of surprises. ollie is very talented. she's amazing. oooh, how jealous i am. quick!!! stop reading my stupid blog and go check it out!!! now!!!
(another song : Numb by U2)
Tuesday, August 26, 2003
when we were young, many of us took the school bus to school. i was gazing out of the wondow of the 147...and my gaze met the sight of a school bus. in it was a lone young boy in his primary school uniform, gazing out of his schoolbus window too. he was the only one left. which started me wondering, how does the last kid left on the bus feel everyday? after the second last kid has left? after the games have ended? after the last sandwich has been shared? after the laughter and chatter have ceased? how does it feel to go through that everyday? and how was it the first time?
then it got me thinking even further. and my thoughts drifted to a time when i was eight and had just moved house. moving house meant i had to change school bus. on the first day of taking the new bus to school, i was scared. it meant i had to start all over again. the whole schoolbus thing. the people. the school bus etiquette. as predicted, i got on the bus in the morning and was greeted by strangers. everyone was sleeping, since it was still so early in the morning. i took my seat and stared out of the window all the way to school. and i survived. it wasn't that bad.
when school ended that day, i had to take the same bus home. i walked to where all the buses were. and i couldn't find the right bus. they all looked the same. unlike my previous school bus which was so easy to spot. so when i finally found the bus that looked like the one i was supposed to get on,i got on. the moment i got on, i had a strange feeling. the faces looked so foreign. i dismissed that as me being not observant enough in the morning to bother putting into memory anyone's face. the other girls started getting on. they didn't recognise me. neither could i recognise them. then the bus driver got on. he couldn't recognise me. and i couldn't recognise him. he spoke to me. i forgot what he said. but i just sat still and kept quiet. i don't know why it never occured to me to ask him where he was going. or why i didn't call home to find out what the bus license plate number was. i just sat silently and looked out of the window. he drove to foreign places, neighbourhoods i'd never seen before. all along, i just kept silent. i always gave everything the benefit of the doubt. but in my mind, i knew something was wrong.
it was getting late, and there was still no sign of home. the second last kid was going to be dropped off and i was gonna be the last girl left. my heart was thumping, but still i said nought. i never spoke much then. was too scared. too timid. too shy. the whole speaking thing was too unnerving. and it just seemed better to stay quiet and not be noticed.
before dropping the last girl off, he gave me 10 cents to go make a call at a public phone booth in a deserted park in a strange housing estate. i obeyed. i got down and walked to the phone booth. and he drove away! i put the coin in and dialled the familiar 7-digit number. the moment i heard my mom's voice, i cried with relief. all the panic and fear in me suddenly seemed to explode from within, after being suppressed for so long.
how was i ever gonna get back? i had no idea where i was. the bus driver had driven away. when my mom asked me where i was, all i could do was say, "i don't know!" and cry even more. just when i thought all hope was lost, the bus returned, empty. the bus driver got off and took the phone from me and exchanged a few words with my mom. then, he told me to get on. and of course, i obeyed. i always obeyed strangers because i was too scared to protest. so anyway, i got on.
this time, i was the last girl left on the bus. it felt strange. i missed the old school bus so much. i didn't know where the driver was taking me. and i just sat silently. after a long while, the bus finally pulled up at my doorstep. and boy was i relieved. can't describe it. so yes, i had taken the wrong bus. my mom eventually had me change school bus the next day. and i had to go through the same whole school bus initiation thing again. but this time, i didn't take the wrong bus home.
the year after, the same thing happened again. when i took my first public bus. that was quite funny. but that's a whole other story. another long story on its own. i'll spare you. haha
so maybe i should write a book then. "the last girl left on the school bus" or "taking the wrong bus" or something. it's the realisation that hits you like a brick when you know you're lost. and when you can't ask anyone for help simply cause you were too afraid they'd hear your voice. that's when the utter sense of hopelessness hits you. things have changed i guess. though talking to strangers might still unnerve me at times, it's not such a bad thing anymore. it's experiences like the one above that have thought me that when all hope is lost and when you can't find your way, never doubt the power of a stranger's kindness. i might talk about that in another entry.
song : Some Voices by Pinback
(pretty groovy)
then it got me thinking even further. and my thoughts drifted to a time when i was eight and had just moved house. moving house meant i had to change school bus. on the first day of taking the new bus to school, i was scared. it meant i had to start all over again. the whole schoolbus thing. the people. the school bus etiquette. as predicted, i got on the bus in the morning and was greeted by strangers. everyone was sleeping, since it was still so early in the morning. i took my seat and stared out of the window all the way to school. and i survived. it wasn't that bad.
when school ended that day, i had to take the same bus home. i walked to where all the buses were. and i couldn't find the right bus. they all looked the same. unlike my previous school bus which was so easy to spot. so when i finally found the bus that looked like the one i was supposed to get on,i got on. the moment i got on, i had a strange feeling. the faces looked so foreign. i dismissed that as me being not observant enough in the morning to bother putting into memory anyone's face. the other girls started getting on. they didn't recognise me. neither could i recognise them. then the bus driver got on. he couldn't recognise me. and i couldn't recognise him. he spoke to me. i forgot what he said. but i just sat still and kept quiet. i don't know why it never occured to me to ask him where he was going. or why i didn't call home to find out what the bus license plate number was. i just sat silently and looked out of the window. he drove to foreign places, neighbourhoods i'd never seen before. all along, i just kept silent. i always gave everything the benefit of the doubt. but in my mind, i knew something was wrong.
it was getting late, and there was still no sign of home. the second last kid was going to be dropped off and i was gonna be the last girl left. my heart was thumping, but still i said nought. i never spoke much then. was too scared. too timid. too shy. the whole speaking thing was too unnerving. and it just seemed better to stay quiet and not be noticed.
before dropping the last girl off, he gave me 10 cents to go make a call at a public phone booth in a deserted park in a strange housing estate. i obeyed. i got down and walked to the phone booth. and he drove away! i put the coin in and dialled the familiar 7-digit number. the moment i heard my mom's voice, i cried with relief. all the panic and fear in me suddenly seemed to explode from within, after being suppressed for so long.
how was i ever gonna get back? i had no idea where i was. the bus driver had driven away. when my mom asked me where i was, all i could do was say, "i don't know!" and cry even more. just when i thought all hope was lost, the bus returned, empty. the bus driver got off and took the phone from me and exchanged a few words with my mom. then, he told me to get on. and of course, i obeyed. i always obeyed strangers because i was too scared to protest. so anyway, i got on.
this time, i was the last girl left on the bus. it felt strange. i missed the old school bus so much. i didn't know where the driver was taking me. and i just sat silently. after a long while, the bus finally pulled up at my doorstep. and boy was i relieved. can't describe it. so yes, i had taken the wrong bus. my mom eventually had me change school bus the next day. and i had to go through the same whole school bus initiation thing again. but this time, i didn't take the wrong bus home.
the year after, the same thing happened again. when i took my first public bus. that was quite funny. but that's a whole other story. another long story on its own. i'll spare you. haha
so maybe i should write a book then. "the last girl left on the school bus" or "taking the wrong bus" or something. it's the realisation that hits you like a brick when you know you're lost. and when you can't ask anyone for help simply cause you were too afraid they'd hear your voice. that's when the utter sense of hopelessness hits you. things have changed i guess. though talking to strangers might still unnerve me at times, it's not such a bad thing anymore. it's experiences like the one above that have thought me that when all hope is lost and when you can't find your way, never doubt the power of a stranger's kindness. i might talk about that in another entry.
song : Some Voices by Pinback
(pretty groovy)
Sunday, August 24, 2003
Please beware of them that stare
They'll only smile to see you while
Your time away
And once you've seen what they have been
To win the earth just won't seem worth
Your night or your day
Who'll hear what I say.
Look around you find the ground
Is not so far from where you are
But not too wise
For down below they never grow
They're always tired and charms are hired
From out of their eyes
Never surprise.
Take your time and you'll be fine
And say a prayer for people there
Who live on the floor
And if you see what's meant to be
Don't name the day or try to say
It happened before.
Don't be shy you learn to fly
And see the sun when day is done
If only you see
Just what you are beneath a star
That came to stay one rainy day
In autumn for free
Yes, be what you'll be.
Please beware of them that stare
They'll only smile to see you while
Your time away
And once you've seen what they have been
To win the earth just won't seem worth
Your night or your day
Who'll hear what I say.
Open up the broken cup
Let goodly sin and sunshine in
Yes that's today.
And open wide the hymns you hide
You find reknown while people frown
At things that you say
But say what you'll say
About the farmers and the fun
And the things behind the sun
And the people round your head
Who say everything's been said
And the movement in your brain
Sends you out into the rain.
-Things Behind the Sun by Nick Drake
They'll only smile to see you while
Your time away
And once you've seen what they have been
To win the earth just won't seem worth
Your night or your day
Who'll hear what I say.
Look around you find the ground
Is not so far from where you are
But not too wise
For down below they never grow
They're always tired and charms are hired
From out of their eyes
Never surprise.
Take your time and you'll be fine
And say a prayer for people there
Who live on the floor
And if you see what's meant to be
Don't name the day or try to say
It happened before.
Don't be shy you learn to fly
And see the sun when day is done
If only you see
Just what you are beneath a star
That came to stay one rainy day
In autumn for free
Yes, be what you'll be.
Please beware of them that stare
They'll only smile to see you while
Your time away
And once you've seen what they have been
To win the earth just won't seem worth
Your night or your day
Who'll hear what I say.
Open up the broken cup
Let goodly sin and sunshine in
Yes that's today.
And open wide the hymns you hide
You find reknown while people frown
At things that you say
But say what you'll say
About the farmers and the fun
And the things behind the sun
And the people round your head
Who say everything's been said
And the movement in your brain
Sends you out into the rain.
-Things Behind the Sun by Nick Drake
Saturday, August 23, 2003
spent the whole day at sheryl's. lately, i've been spending more time at other people's houses than my own...eating their food, watching their tv, using their tables to study, taking naps on their beds, bla bla. like i don't have a house or something. haha. big thanks to these people. but nothing beats coming home. sleeping on your own bed, eating your own home food, finding your fave food and drinks in the fridge, sitting as unpleasantly as you want on your own sofa with your legs everywhere, messing your room and the dining table as much as you want to with your notes, playing the type of music you like as loud as you want, watching all the tv shows You want to watch......just goes on and on and on..this list.
anyway at sheryl's, in between studying, we decided to treat ourselves to the korean movie, "the way home". (we spent quite a while fixing up the vcd player which turned into a tay family affair) this movie was really very heartwarming. slow-moving, somewhat, but heartwarming. initially i wanted to blog about it. but i'm getting sleepy now. and so the moment to blog it has passed. so too bad, folks. check it out if you'd like.
you know. studying isn't really that bad. alot of things we're learning now, many might say they're useless. just wasting our time and brain RAM. but i choose to think otherwise. all this physics, all this chemistry...if i can actually try to tahan it, i actually find that all i'm stuffing into my brain is actually causing me to appreciate the world even more. it's just so amazing how everything in this world has been worked out to the most minute detail. that nothing's not important enough. that it's all been taken care of. the smallest things. and if on this planet alone, there's so much to be learnt and so much left to be learnt, what more the rest of the universe! just makes me marvel at the mind of God even more. like..god is sooo smart..?!
know how science and spirituality have always clashed. i choose to believe that they tie in together. that by trying to uncover the secrets and the workings of this universe, we are in a way, doing the same to ourselves, taking a peek into the mind of god and reminding ourselves that there are some things bigger than the little worlds we choose to live in; the little bubbles of delusional joy or misery or hate we choose to wrap ourselves in.
which is why i want to travel. i want to see every damn thing there is to be seen. i want to experience everything. i want to go to the poorest town in the world and the wealthiest ones as well. i want to know what it's like to live in a war-torn country. i want to fall from a a great height without taking my life(guess i could bungee-jump or go free falling). i want to be an austronaut and fly into space and be surrounded by stars. i want to go under the sea and see the brilliant colours of the luminous corals and the fish with their funny expressions. i want to know what it's like to be part of a tribe. i want to know what it's like to be..say, my mom or my brother or my dog or a jock or a rockstar or the outcast(i'm sure many of us have experienced this before) or the one who's forgotten(and this too) or maybe even you who are reading this. i want to be there when a volcano erupts. or when the earth quakes. (but the destruction i do not desire)
i guess our books just bring us a step closer to all these experiences. but nothing beats being there yourself.
so as i was saying, about studying. sometimes i wonder what i'm studying so hard for.(am i studying hard??) i guess, it's for the grades, yes. for the exams. but i guess i do feel smarter now. haha. the way your body feels when you've had a good workout. that's my brain after a good day of studying. accomplished. and growing. don't get me wrong. i'm not addicted to studying, no. far from. lack the focus and attention span. but if you ever feel like giving up on studying, maybe what i have just said might help make studying a more meaningful affair. at least, that's what it's done for me...
just my two-cents worth for the coming exams. haha. don't worry, pple. remember. "Worry gives a small thing a big shadow". read that once in the mrt on my way home. ok, 'nuff said.
anyway at sheryl's, in between studying, we decided to treat ourselves to the korean movie, "the way home". (we spent quite a while fixing up the vcd player which turned into a tay family affair) this movie was really very heartwarming. slow-moving, somewhat, but heartwarming. initially i wanted to blog about it. but i'm getting sleepy now. and so the moment to blog it has passed. so too bad, folks. check it out if you'd like.
you know. studying isn't really that bad. alot of things we're learning now, many might say they're useless. just wasting our time and brain RAM. but i choose to think otherwise. all this physics, all this chemistry...if i can actually try to tahan it, i actually find that all i'm stuffing into my brain is actually causing me to appreciate the world even more. it's just so amazing how everything in this world has been worked out to the most minute detail. that nothing's not important enough. that it's all been taken care of. the smallest things. and if on this planet alone, there's so much to be learnt and so much left to be learnt, what more the rest of the universe! just makes me marvel at the mind of God even more. like..god is sooo smart..?!
know how science and spirituality have always clashed. i choose to believe that they tie in together. that by trying to uncover the secrets and the workings of this universe, we are in a way, doing the same to ourselves, taking a peek into the mind of god and reminding ourselves that there are some things bigger than the little worlds we choose to live in; the little bubbles of delusional joy or misery or hate we choose to wrap ourselves in.
which is why i want to travel. i want to see every damn thing there is to be seen. i want to experience everything. i want to go to the poorest town in the world and the wealthiest ones as well. i want to know what it's like to live in a war-torn country. i want to fall from a a great height without taking my life(guess i could bungee-jump or go free falling). i want to be an austronaut and fly into space and be surrounded by stars. i want to go under the sea and see the brilliant colours of the luminous corals and the fish with their funny expressions. i want to know what it's like to be part of a tribe. i want to know what it's like to be..say, my mom or my brother or my dog or a jock or a rockstar or the outcast(i'm sure many of us have experienced this before) or the one who's forgotten(and this too) or maybe even you who are reading this. i want to be there when a volcano erupts. or when the earth quakes. (but the destruction i do not desire)
i guess our books just bring us a step closer to all these experiences. but nothing beats being there yourself.
so as i was saying, about studying. sometimes i wonder what i'm studying so hard for.(am i studying hard??) i guess, it's for the grades, yes. for the exams. but i guess i do feel smarter now. haha. the way your body feels when you've had a good workout. that's my brain after a good day of studying. accomplished. and growing. don't get me wrong. i'm not addicted to studying, no. far from. lack the focus and attention span. but if you ever feel like giving up on studying, maybe what i have just said might help make studying a more meaningful affair. at least, that's what it's done for me...
just my two-cents worth for the coming exams. haha. don't worry, pple. remember. "Worry gives a small thing a big shadow". read that once in the mrt on my way home. ok, 'nuff said.
Friday, August 22, 2003
plus. just came out from a shiokeedoo refreshing bath.
minus. think i'm coming down with the cold.
plus. stuffed my brain with some useful knowledge today.
minus. feeling confused and slightly anxious about it.
plus. it doesn't matter. i'm happy.
minus. both my practicals were DISASTERS. (what's new?)
plus. maths was slightly better.
minus. been eating too much chocolates.
plus. they were good chocolates.
minus. there's still alot more in the fridge.
plus. there's still alot more in the fridge.
minus. so many exams next week.
plus. exam time isn't that bad.
minus. don't know what to do with my life later on.
plus. got a good book to read.
plus. it's funny.
plus. finally getting some time to waste.
minus. wasting time.
plus. looking forward to sleeping.
minus. still need to fry..i mean..dry my hair.
plus. the night is lovely.
plus. and it's mine.
plus. i'm free today.
plus. nice music to listen to.
plus. i am loved.
plus. i am blessed.
plus. i am more fortunate than i know.
plus. so are you.
minus. i can't think of any more minuses.
plus. i can't think of any more minuses.
plus. to infinity.
minus!!! i forgot to call sheryl!!! later, folks!
minus. think i'm coming down with the cold.
plus. stuffed my brain with some useful knowledge today.
minus. feeling confused and slightly anxious about it.
plus. it doesn't matter. i'm happy.
minus. both my practicals were DISASTERS. (what's new?)
plus. maths was slightly better.
minus. been eating too much chocolates.
plus. they were good chocolates.
minus. there's still alot more in the fridge.
plus. there's still alot more in the fridge.
minus. so many exams next week.
plus. exam time isn't that bad.
minus. don't know what to do with my life later on.
plus. got a good book to read.
plus. it's funny.
plus. finally getting some time to waste.
minus. wasting time.
plus. looking forward to sleeping.
minus. still need to fry..i mean..dry my hair.
plus. the night is lovely.
plus. and it's mine.
plus. i'm free today.
plus. nice music to listen to.
plus. i am loved.
plus. i am blessed.
plus. i am more fortunate than i know.
plus. so are you.
minus. i can't think of any more minuses.
plus. i can't think of any more minuses.
plus. to infinity.
minus!!! i forgot to call sheryl!!! later, folks!
Sunday, August 17, 2003
my youngest brother is sitting cross-legged on the floor just behind me. every once in a while he calls me and i turn around to look at another one of his houses of cards. now he's just built a new one. pathway to the joker's house, he calls it. interesting. "at a blink of an eye, look what happened to everything," he says. i turn around again. this time it's just become one huge mess on the ground. but he's starting on another one.
found myself heading towards woodlands library today. mars recommended it. it was quite an experience man. the four of us were waiting outside woodlands library amidst the throngs of people waiting for the gates to open at 12noon. i was bewildered and totally amused at the number of singaporeans who were so desperate to study! as we were waiting, my friend told me that sometimes people would even crawl under the gates while they were opening. and just to prove mars and the others right, when the gate opened, people just RAN in. i'm serious. everyone was running to get themselves a good table to study. it was chaos. it was insane. well, i just strolled behind everybody, sipping on the cup of water i'd help myself to at macs earlier on while waiting for this classic moment. i didn't have much to worry about you see. cos mars and her bf had already run in and were well on their way to getting us a good table. we had a good lunch at pizza hut. but i think cheeze and pepsi really retard one's mind. the ride home on the mrt was pretty pleasant. the view is really nice between ang mo kio and woodlands. it's crap after that. i'm still recovering from the shock at 12noon at the woodlands library entrance. the last i ever saw such madness was probably when i was at the wallstreet stock exchange centre in washington. papers just flying everywhere. people holding a COUPLE of phones to their one pair of ears. alot of yelling as well. ok i'm exagerating. woodlands library wasn't that bad. mobs are pretty interesting.
read about the great blackout in the states and canada. whoa. no other word to describe it. imagine all those people stuck in the lifts and in the tube tunnels in their trains. all those human and traffic jams. all the people waiting for buses. 500 at a stop according to one man who had to wait 4 hrs before getting on a bus. a whole lot of other things as well. 50 million people. what do you expect?well, some people took the liberty to enjoy a nice candlelight dinner and finish up all their ice-cream and fine food which needed refrigerating. throw away the bad. pick out the good.
haha i appeared AGAIN on tv today and i missed it AGAIN. but i got yun to tape it for me. raymond got a few people too. haha. but how disappointing. we got the dates mixed up and thought the ndp second telecast would be screened tomorrow! thank goodness for sheryl tay who called me and told me that ndp was on tv then. thanks sheryl! who prob doesn't read this anyway. haha.
ok as much as i'd like to ramble on, i'd like to take a bath even more. kinda got a bit wet in the rain on my way home....even with an umbrella. it's a lovely, rainy evening....have a good day... ;)
song : Bermuda Highway by My Morning Jacket
found myself heading towards woodlands library today. mars recommended it. it was quite an experience man. the four of us were waiting outside woodlands library amidst the throngs of people waiting for the gates to open at 12noon. i was bewildered and totally amused at the number of singaporeans who were so desperate to study! as we were waiting, my friend told me that sometimes people would even crawl under the gates while they were opening. and just to prove mars and the others right, when the gate opened, people just RAN in. i'm serious. everyone was running to get themselves a good table to study. it was chaos. it was insane. well, i just strolled behind everybody, sipping on the cup of water i'd help myself to at macs earlier on while waiting for this classic moment. i didn't have much to worry about you see. cos mars and her bf had already run in and were well on their way to getting us a good table. we had a good lunch at pizza hut. but i think cheeze and pepsi really retard one's mind. the ride home on the mrt was pretty pleasant. the view is really nice between ang mo kio and woodlands. it's crap after that. i'm still recovering from the shock at 12noon at the woodlands library entrance. the last i ever saw such madness was probably when i was at the wallstreet stock exchange centre in washington. papers just flying everywhere. people holding a COUPLE of phones to their one pair of ears. alot of yelling as well. ok i'm exagerating. woodlands library wasn't that bad. mobs are pretty interesting.
read about the great blackout in the states and canada. whoa. no other word to describe it. imagine all those people stuck in the lifts and in the tube tunnels in their trains. all those human and traffic jams. all the people waiting for buses. 500 at a stop according to one man who had to wait 4 hrs before getting on a bus. a whole lot of other things as well. 50 million people. what do you expect?well, some people took the liberty to enjoy a nice candlelight dinner and finish up all their ice-cream and fine food which needed refrigerating. throw away the bad. pick out the good.
haha i appeared AGAIN on tv today and i missed it AGAIN. but i got yun to tape it for me. raymond got a few people too. haha. but how disappointing. we got the dates mixed up and thought the ndp second telecast would be screened tomorrow! thank goodness for sheryl tay who called me and told me that ndp was on tv then. thanks sheryl! who prob doesn't read this anyway. haha.
ok as much as i'd like to ramble on, i'd like to take a bath even more. kinda got a bit wet in the rain on my way home....even with an umbrella. it's a lovely, rainy evening....have a good day... ;)
song : Bermuda Highway by My Morning Jacket
Saturday, August 16, 2003
a whole day of studying tomorrow. i shouldn't be up now. i'm damn sleepy and i couldn't sleep much last night for some reason. but, i was sitting on my toilet bowl just now, and for the first time ever, in MY toilet....i saw a.....COCKROACH!!! aargh!! disgusting, yucky, fowl thing!
i was doing my usual past time before my shower. just sitting on the toilet bowl and letting my mind wander. then i see this thing moving amidst my clothes on the floor. i think..must be my imagination. but i see it moving again. then the movement takes a form and it turns out to be a bloody baby cockroach. oh yuck, gross!!! don't dare go back to my room now. how am i going to sleep tonight? oooooh, God, why do cockroaches exist? they always appear at the weirdest times when i stand alone. like fear. at least it wasn't a huge flying one like the last time i went down in the middle of the night to get some water. oh great, there's a stupid bug on my monitor now. go away! can u read? i'm telling u to go away! apparently not.
too sleepy to blog anything sensible. later!
i was doing my usual past time before my shower. just sitting on the toilet bowl and letting my mind wander. then i see this thing moving amidst my clothes on the floor. i think..must be my imagination. but i see it moving again. then the movement takes a form and it turns out to be a bloody baby cockroach. oh yuck, gross!!! don't dare go back to my room now. how am i going to sleep tonight? oooooh, God, why do cockroaches exist? they always appear at the weirdest times when i stand alone. like fear. at least it wasn't a huge flying one like the last time i went down in the middle of the night to get some water. oh great, there's a stupid bug on my monitor now. go away! can u read? i'm telling u to go away! apparently not.
too sleepy to blog anything sensible. later!
Tuesday, August 12, 2003
i'm thankful yesterday sucked. really. it motivated me to make the extra effort to ensure that today was a day well-spent. i hate waste. i really do. and sometimes, i get so fed up with myself cos i find myself just wasting away. and the worst part is, i know it doesn't have to be that way. well, i guess that's also the best part too.
i've come to the conclusion, quite long ago actually, that one cannot really depend on people for joy. people are always gonna let us down. that's a fact. cos we all falter and we all fall. and i guess, sometimes i just put alot of unsaid expectations on my friends and the people i love. it's no wonder disappointments aren't rare. why doesn't she know i feel left out? or why doesn't he know that this really gets me down? or i would have done that for me if i were them. things like that. but not everyone is me. and sees things the way i do. so i guess i gotta give them room to breathe.
but does that mean that i'm allowing them to step all over me and not even know it? i guess the problem is, i always wait for them to turn around and see the footprints they left all over me. but is that the way? nope. not anymore. i'm not saying i'm going to grow old. no way. i couldn't possibly take it myself. i tried it before. it's called apathy. it's the poison of silent anger.
the root of it all is really me. i can control whether i want them to affecct the way i think, the way i feel. i can determine whether they're even going to step all over me in the first place. and if they do step all over me, it doesn't hurt to just tell them straight. actually, it might sting a bit. for both of us. but it's just like applying antiseptic on a wound, innit? it's tough to do all this. to find joy deep inside and not just through what's right infront of me. but i guess, once you find that joy inside, it's yours to keep and noone can take it away from you. yes, there are living testimonies to this. i know it's possible.
now, if only i had the courage and confidence.....
just gotta keep trying.
i've come to the conclusion, quite long ago actually, that one cannot really depend on people for joy. people are always gonna let us down. that's a fact. cos we all falter and we all fall. and i guess, sometimes i just put alot of unsaid expectations on my friends and the people i love. it's no wonder disappointments aren't rare. why doesn't she know i feel left out? or why doesn't he know that this really gets me down? or i would have done that for me if i were them. things like that. but not everyone is me. and sees things the way i do. so i guess i gotta give them room to breathe.
but does that mean that i'm allowing them to step all over me and not even know it? i guess the problem is, i always wait for them to turn around and see the footprints they left all over me. but is that the way? nope. not anymore. i'm not saying i'm going to grow old. no way. i couldn't possibly take it myself. i tried it before. it's called apathy. it's the poison of silent anger.
the root of it all is really me. i can control whether i want them to affecct the way i think, the way i feel. i can determine whether they're even going to step all over me in the first place. and if they do step all over me, it doesn't hurt to just tell them straight. actually, it might sting a bit. for both of us. but it's just like applying antiseptic on a wound, innit? it's tough to do all this. to find joy deep inside and not just through what's right infront of me. but i guess, once you find that joy inside, it's yours to keep and noone can take it away from you. yes, there are living testimonies to this. i know it's possible.
now, if only i had the courage and confidence.....
just gotta keep trying.
Monday, August 11, 2003
oh man. sometimes i make really stupid decisions. and i really don't think. i skipped physics tutorial today and i didn't even bother doing anything to cover it up. and now low's damn pissed or so i heard. i always thought she didn't really notice the girls in class. i thought she only gives her attention to the guys. i was wrong. damn damn damn. somehow perrin's statement has kept playing in my mind since the day he said it. " i believe that life comes around in one full circle. you'll never always get away with things. they'll come back one day." or something like that. i hope it doesn't turn out so bad. i'm sorry. *crosses fingers and toes*
i feel i kind of wasted today. and i came home pissed though i started the day really happy. i wish it didn't have to be so. i wish i knew how to make better decisions. i wish i didn't have to be so naive and soft. i thought i'd gotten over being naive and soft. guess not. gotta make up for all the lost time now. really don't know why i did the things i did, but sitting around and moping and groaning about it will just give me more things to mope and groan about later. so i gotta just try to SNAP OUT of this shitty mode and get back to living.
wonder what's cooking, or getting cold....
i feel i kind of wasted today. and i came home pissed though i started the day really happy. i wish it didn't have to be so. i wish i knew how to make better decisions. i wish i didn't have to be so naive and soft. i thought i'd gotten over being naive and soft. guess not. gotta make up for all the lost time now. really don't know why i did the things i did, but sitting around and moping and groaning about it will just give me more things to mope and groan about later. so i gotta just try to SNAP OUT of this shitty mode and get back to living.
wonder what's cooking, or getting cold....
Sunday, August 10, 2003
oooh...had my 5 seconds of fame today. they love me! they really do!!
ndp was so fun! kick ass! but i guess i really enjoyed it cos i was on tv!! close-up! for a few seconds! i'm a star! yes, you can kiss my....
ok, i'm aching all over. all those queues! all the walking! won't miss those! in fact i was so happy i had to go through the bag-check cos i got a few seconds in that air-con tent! after the parade was torture...carrying all these heavy bags and goody bags and walking through all those people...crowds really frustrate me. i hate walking in the wisma,taka underpass on sat afternoons. sometimes i wonder where all these people come from. my gosh. i feel like punching everyone in front of me. i get these really violent instincts. i swear a monster is released in me everytime i'm in a crowd. and boy is it tough keeping it at bay. good thing about the crowds today though..they moved. haha. whatever. bottomline...stay away from crowds....unless it's worth it. =P
sometimes it's really hard to stay positive when people around you are not. and you know they have a point. so you try to look at things in their way and you realise, there is some truth in theirs. then you start questioning your own. and then you start doubting everything. but then, you come across people who remain unfazed and positive even in the midst of all this negativity and hate and bitterness. and you realise, hey, it's possible. there's still some truth in your truth. you can still be happy and you can still love in such a crazy, angry, hurtful world. cos it's not them. it's you. so i'd like to thank and commend all these people who, consciously or unconsciously, inspire me and constantly remind me to appreciate the art of appreciation and gratitude. all it takes is a snap of the fingers. -snap-
snap out of it.
ndp was so fun! kick ass! but i guess i really enjoyed it cos i was on tv!! close-up! for a few seconds! i'm a star! yes, you can kiss my....
ok, i'm aching all over. all those queues! all the walking! won't miss those! in fact i was so happy i had to go through the bag-check cos i got a few seconds in that air-con tent! after the parade was torture...carrying all these heavy bags and goody bags and walking through all those people...crowds really frustrate me. i hate walking in the wisma,taka underpass on sat afternoons. sometimes i wonder where all these people come from. my gosh. i feel like punching everyone in front of me. i get these really violent instincts. i swear a monster is released in me everytime i'm in a crowd. and boy is it tough keeping it at bay. good thing about the crowds today though..they moved. haha. whatever. bottomline...stay away from crowds....unless it's worth it. =P
sometimes it's really hard to stay positive when people around you are not. and you know they have a point. so you try to look at things in their way and you realise, there is some truth in theirs. then you start questioning your own. and then you start doubting everything. but then, you come across people who remain unfazed and positive even in the midst of all this negativity and hate and bitterness. and you realise, hey, it's possible. there's still some truth in your truth. you can still be happy and you can still love in such a crazy, angry, hurtful world. cos it's not them. it's you. so i'd like to thank and commend all these people who, consciously or unconsciously, inspire me and constantly remind me to appreciate the art of appreciation and gratitude. all it takes is a snap of the fingers. -snap-
snap out of it.
Saturday, August 09, 2003
a few more hours to fireworks and jetplanes and parachutists...have i ever mentioned that one of my dreams was to fly over singapore on national day in one of those jets? every time i see them on national day, i'm filled with such awe...the intensity of it is whoa! some anti-singapore people are probably groaning. do i care?! no. haha. and another dream, to be one of those parachutists.
oh guess what? you know those giordano "i love singapore" t-shirts? yes, i got myself one. but wait. guess where they're made? yeap, MALAYSIA! haha. hmmm....
oh yea, that icq thing on top? it's really cool. try it! oh and it made me realise how stupid my profile looks on the icq unified messaging centre. i hope it's been updated! haha. my brother and i were laughing our heads off. i was utterly disgusted.
i need to go to the loooooooo. so i can't say all that i'd like to say now. too bad.
anyway, on a sidenote, i think it's funny how things turn out, sometimes. it's funny, the things you gain through the things you lose when you choose to let go...
oh guess what? you know those giordano "i love singapore" t-shirts? yes, i got myself one. but wait. guess where they're made? yeap, MALAYSIA! haha. hmmm....
oh yea, that icq thing on top? it's really cool. try it! oh and it made me realise how stupid my profile looks on the icq unified messaging centre. i hope it's been updated! haha. my brother and i were laughing our heads off. i was utterly disgusted.
i need to go to the loooooooo. so i can't say all that i'd like to say now. too bad.
anyway, on a sidenote, i think it's funny how things turn out, sometimes. it's funny, the things you gain through the things you lose when you choose to let go...
Tuesday, August 05, 2003
today was the last chem prac ever. i'm so glad it ended well. chem pracs are always disasters for me. always end up copying cos all my results are always screwed up, probably due to last weeks dichromate still in my test-tubes or something. and whether i copy or not, i'm always one of the last left in the lab. yes, sad, i know. so i was determined to make this my best prac ever, and it was! i could come up with something for planning. i didn't screw up my QA. it was quite good actually. i didn't even make any of my usual messes(except maybe consistently getting NaOH on myself a ccouple of times, so soapy!) and guess what? she didn't even collect it!! damn damn damn. nvm. what matters is that it ended on a good note. need some confidence here man. confidence plays a big part in being successful at anything.
i just watched this news snippet. the marriott in jakarta was bombed or something. four singaporeans were victims. and to think my dad's been staying opposite there weekly and didn't go this week. whoa. and what's wrong with these pple? stop throwing your bombs like kids throwing paper balls at each other in class. they do more than bruise!
i need new headphones. will someone please get me a pair? thanks.
"i wish i was a bird, so i can fly over the fireworks. but i'd want a human brain and not a bird brain. otherwise, i'd fly straight into the fireworks and explode." -my youngest brother.
there's something magical about fireworks. there was something magical that saturday when we stood on the roof top and watched the sparkles glitter down after each brilliant burst. and that magic didn't die as we danced like fools infront of the line-dancers with those earnest looks on their faces keeping up to the melody and rhythm which raymond lee was churning out of his lil keyboard.
we went to watch the fireworks for the ndp preview last, last saturday. it was a mad evening. it was fun. i took part in ndp last year. it was my first time ever being at one and i was right in the middle of it! and there were so many magical moments. but one thing i'll never forget: the fireworks.
god bless his soul, he who invented fireworks! after all, what's life without a bit of fireworks, aye?
i just watched this news snippet. the marriott in jakarta was bombed or something. four singaporeans were victims. and to think my dad's been staying opposite there weekly and didn't go this week. whoa. and what's wrong with these pple? stop throwing your bombs like kids throwing paper balls at each other in class. they do more than bruise!
i need new headphones. will someone please get me a pair? thanks.
"i wish i was a bird, so i can fly over the fireworks. but i'd want a human brain and not a bird brain. otherwise, i'd fly straight into the fireworks and explode." -my youngest brother.
there's something magical about fireworks. there was something magical that saturday when we stood on the roof top and watched the sparkles glitter down after each brilliant burst. and that magic didn't die as we danced like fools infront of the line-dancers with those earnest looks on their faces keeping up to the melody and rhythm which raymond lee was churning out of his lil keyboard.
we went to watch the fireworks for the ndp preview last, last saturday. it was a mad evening. it was fun. i took part in ndp last year. it was my first time ever being at one and i was right in the middle of it! and there were so many magical moments. but one thing i'll never forget: the fireworks.
god bless his soul, he who invented fireworks! after all, what's life without a bit of fireworks, aye?
Saturday, August 02, 2003
confusion.
i'm walking deeper and deeper into this enchanted forest, where no moon or sun beam penetrates and where all paths have ceased.
i could turn back and run away to the streams which might lead me to some other where, some other forest?
but i need to know what's hidden deep inside...
curiousity killed the cat.
something would have, eventually, anyway.
so was it worth dying for?
i'm walking deeper and deeper into this enchanted forest, where no moon or sun beam penetrates and where all paths have ceased.
i could turn back and run away to the streams which might lead me to some other where, some other forest?
but i need to know what's hidden deep inside...
curiousity killed the cat.
something would have, eventually, anyway.
so was it worth dying for?
Friday, August 01, 2003
well, everyone's doing it, so why not..i?
another one of my self-declared study leaves today proved effective. though i'm afraid i might be too slow. will the prelims wait for me? it's been a while since i listened to much music. so many mp3s and no time to enjoy them. they're becoming dusty...
well, i'm indulging in some light-hearted, guitar-filled songs this afternoon. it's a beautiful day! what i'm listening to. take a listen if you'd like...
dishwalla - counting blue cars (all time fave)
beatles - norwegian wood
idlewild - live in a hiding place, american english
nick drake - things behind the sun
nickel creek - this side
the breeders - cannonball
the strokes - hard to explain
feeder - forget about tomorrow
spiderbait - calypso
tom mcrae - a day like today,
placebo - english summer rain
biffy clyro - 57
tom mcrae - stronger than dirt
dave matthews band - #34
the smashing pumpkins - appels + oranjes
sigur ros - track 6 of some album
roxette - she's got the look ;)
donovan - mellow yellow ;)
loreena mckennit - the mummer's dance
ladytron - startup chime
some pretty different sounds there. back to the books. maybe a run later. it's nice when the day belongs to you and not a school's time table. ;)
another one of my self-declared study leaves today proved effective. though i'm afraid i might be too slow. will the prelims wait for me? it's been a while since i listened to much music. so many mp3s and no time to enjoy them. they're becoming dusty...
well, i'm indulging in some light-hearted, guitar-filled songs this afternoon. it's a beautiful day! what i'm listening to. take a listen if you'd like...
dishwalla - counting blue cars (all time fave)
beatles - norwegian wood
idlewild - live in a hiding place, american english
nick drake - things behind the sun
nickel creek - this side
the breeders - cannonball
the strokes - hard to explain
feeder - forget about tomorrow
spiderbait - calypso
tom mcrae - a day like today,
placebo - english summer rain
biffy clyro - 57
tom mcrae - stronger than dirt
dave matthews band - #34
the smashing pumpkins - appels + oranjes
sigur ros - track 6 of some album
roxette - she's got the look ;)
donovan - mellow yellow ;)
loreena mckennit - the mummer's dance
ladytron - startup chime
some pretty different sounds there. back to the books. maybe a run later. it's nice when the day belongs to you and not a school's time table. ;)
Thursday, July 31, 2003
i've never been so uptight about ANY exam in my life before. i've never drawn up a study plan for ANY exam in my life before. i've never started studying for ANY exam one month or more before it. for ANY exam until the one coming up ahead...PRELIMS.
maybe i didn't do all that before cos i was scared that if i studied too hard and still did badly, i'd be SORELY disappointed. but. i can't take chances now. i have to give it my all. i don't know where i'm gonna be at this time next year if i'm still breathing but i want to be somewhere. so i have to give it all i've got.
i don't want to give myself an excuse for screwing up, especially if i can help it. i know i hate choosing, but i hate feeling trapped even more. so i have to work hard so that i'll have more opportunities and choices at this time next year. so that i won't be stifled. so that i'll be able to get up and go. somewhere.
i'd fly above the trees
over the seas
in all degrees...
...to any where i please....
maybe i didn't do all that before cos i was scared that if i studied too hard and still did badly, i'd be SORELY disappointed. but. i can't take chances now. i have to give it my all. i don't know where i'm gonna be at this time next year if i'm still breathing but i want to be somewhere. so i have to give it all i've got.
i don't want to give myself an excuse for screwing up, especially if i can help it. i know i hate choosing, but i hate feeling trapped even more. so i have to work hard so that i'll have more opportunities and choices at this time next year. so that i won't be stifled. so that i'll be able to get up and go. somewhere.
i'd fly above the trees
over the seas
in all degrees...
...to any where i please....
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
don't you just love a day riddled with good hearty laughs? don't you just love it when you can come home late and not have your mom smsing or ringing you every few secs? don't you just love a day which ends in pleasant surprises? don't you just love it when your friend willingly lends you a 7250 for a few days so you can take cute pictures of your doggie??
hey, today wasn't really the best day ever. 1st, i had to go to school on my own. my parents are out of town. yea, i know. some pple have to go to school by themselves everyday. but hey, i live an hour away or something. at least i had sheryl to give me a lift from her house bus-stop. haha. and i was so damn sleepy too! went to watch a movie last night and came home at nearly 12. ok yea dunno what i was thinking. finally slept at 2. i don't know why. so i was just falling asleep everywhere today. chem prac was as terrible as always. it's so demoralising.and i always cannot finish gp essays on time! and there's chem test tomorrow which i've to START studying for. and i'm feeling pretty anxious about SO MANY THINGS which i really don't want to be anxious about but can't help it. and there was a big moth in my room just now which brushed against my leg! aaargh!!
but hey, my day WAS riddled with good hearty laughs. i DID come home late without my mom smsing and ringing me every few secs. i DID receive some pleasant surprises in the evening. and i DID take some really cute pics of my doggie together with me using the 7250 my friend lent me. my uncle once sent me one of those cliched smses.
"if you have a hundred and one reasons to cry, find a million and one reasons to smile."
but why do i feel so anxious?
hey, today wasn't really the best day ever. 1st, i had to go to school on my own. my parents are out of town. yea, i know. some pple have to go to school by themselves everyday. but hey, i live an hour away or something. at least i had sheryl to give me a lift from her house bus-stop. haha. and i was so damn sleepy too! went to watch a movie last night and came home at nearly 12. ok yea dunno what i was thinking. finally slept at 2. i don't know why. so i was just falling asleep everywhere today. chem prac was as terrible as always. it's so demoralising.and i always cannot finish gp essays on time! and there's chem test tomorrow which i've to START studying for. and i'm feeling pretty anxious about SO MANY THINGS which i really don't want to be anxious about but can't help it. and there was a big moth in my room just now which brushed against my leg! aaargh!!
but hey, my day WAS riddled with good hearty laughs. i DID come home late without my mom smsing and ringing me every few secs. i DID receive some pleasant surprises in the evening. and i DID take some really cute pics of my doggie together with me using the 7250 my friend lent me. my uncle once sent me one of those cliched smses.
"if you have a hundred and one reasons to cry, find a million and one reasons to smile."
but why do i feel so anxious?
Saturday, July 19, 2003
as the prelims draw nearer, it's starting to weigh down more on me. not the prelims, but the big question/s. what next? where to? and what the hell do i do with my life? it's really hard for me to make decisions cos the grass always seems so much greener on the other side. it seems like no matter which side i'm on, i'm always looking everywhere else except at where i am. maybe i should just enjoy the flowers where i am. but what if there were nicer ones some other where? get what i mean? and this "what ifs" have been speckling my life to a great extent, which usually just leaves me in stagnant water. yes, i've said it before. the perfect breeding ground for bloodsuckers.
so whenever i need to make a decision, even if it's just deciding which extra value meal to buy at macs, i pull my hair out over it. i mean, the doublecheese might be more worth it that the mcnuggets, right?
oh help. haha. SOMETIMES i wish i didn't have decisions to make and choices to choose from. it's just too much of a headache. but right now though, i choose to listen to some basketcase by green day. toodles!
do you have the time
to listen to me whine
about nothing and everything
all at once
i am one of those
melodramatic fools
neurotic to the bone
no doubt about it!!! ;)
so whenever i need to make a decision, even if it's just deciding which extra value meal to buy at macs, i pull my hair out over it. i mean, the doublecheese might be more worth it that the mcnuggets, right?
oh help. haha. SOMETIMES i wish i didn't have decisions to make and choices to choose from. it's just too much of a headache. but right now though, i choose to listen to some basketcase by green day. toodles!
do you have the time
to listen to me whine
about nothing and everything
all at once
i am one of those
melodramatic fools
neurotic to the bone
no doubt about it!!! ;)
Sunday, July 13, 2003
Smack, crack, bushwhacked.
Tie another one to the racks, baby.
Hey kids, rock and roll.
Nobody tells you where to go, baby.
What if I ride? What if you walk?
What if you rock around the clock?
Tick-tock. Tick-tock.
What if you did? What if you walk?
What if you tried to get off, baby?
haven't heard this in a while. then, my dad played it in the car. an old REM song. drive. love it. michael stipe's voice is really good. finally listened to U2's zooropa after a long time! sounds really good. it's ingenious, isn't it? amazing, how we actually have this thing called music. and how we never seem to run out of tunes to sing and play. and how it can really penetrate into the core of your being.
let's face it. we don't need music like we need oxygen. we can survive 5, 10 mins without music, but we'd die without air. probably. and yet, God saw to it that we got that kick in life which we needed. he gave us music. how ingenious is that. to come up with music of all the things he could come up with. and now, i think, music is definitely oxygen for the soul. i fear the prospect of never being able to hear again. i don't know what i'd do.
so i really thank God for giving us the ability to make music and for blessing me the gift of hearing. i guess i could put up with all the nagging and the fights i have to hear with the consolation that i've got music as medicine for my ears.
Tie another one to the racks, baby.
Hey kids, rock and roll.
Nobody tells you where to go, baby.
What if I ride? What if you walk?
What if you rock around the clock?
Tick-tock. Tick-tock.
What if you did? What if you walk?
What if you tried to get off, baby?
haven't heard this in a while. then, my dad played it in the car. an old REM song. drive. love it. michael stipe's voice is really good. finally listened to U2's zooropa after a long time! sounds really good. it's ingenious, isn't it? amazing, how we actually have this thing called music. and how we never seem to run out of tunes to sing and play. and how it can really penetrate into the core of your being.
let's face it. we don't need music like we need oxygen. we can survive 5, 10 mins without music, but we'd die without air. probably. and yet, God saw to it that we got that kick in life which we needed. he gave us music. how ingenious is that. to come up with music of all the things he could come up with. and now, i think, music is definitely oxygen for the soul. i fear the prospect of never being able to hear again. i don't know what i'd do.
so i really thank God for giving us the ability to make music and for blessing me the gift of hearing. i guess i could put up with all the nagging and the fights i have to hear with the consolation that i've got music as medicine for my ears.
Saturday, July 12, 2003
Confusion never stops
Closing walls and ticking clocks
Gonna come back and take you home
I could not stop but you now know, singin'
Come out upon my seas,
Curse missed opportunities
Am I a part of the cure
Or am I part of the disease, singin'
love that song. clocks by coldplay. but hey, don't you think the last part sounds very U2? the "nothing else compares" part?
the meeting ended really late last night. and frankly, i felt it was a great mistake going to school today. spent the day in a sleepy state of mind. physics prac was more screwed up than it usually is. 4 periods of lecture in lt1 is a real butt-killer, and a sure way of freezing to death. i couldn't even hold my pen or turn my lecture notes by the 4th lecture period! and the 3 free blocks i thought i'd use to study...i fell asleep. but i guess that's ok. i survived!
anyway, i went to meet delaine(laney) after school. one of my really good friends who went overseas to study. and made a new friend as well. was interesting, really, to see how different the teen culture in singapore is compared to that in london. they're so havoc! haha. i sometimes wonder what i'd be like if i went overseas to study. would i join in and become part of the local culture? or would i sorely stick out like a sore thumb or hide in a little corner? what would i do?? i've yet to find out....
the busride back home was a killer. the jam was horrible. i took a nap.
oh no i've just realised something. the purpose of my blog isn't really to summarise what i've done everyday. but to type out my thoughts and feelings about stuff. but reading too much of other pple's blogs, i've sub-consciously been changing my blogging-style. how easily i waver! haha.
ok i'll get back on track soon. right now, i'm too sleepy to do anything about it. no biggie. have a nice day =)
Closing walls and ticking clocks
Gonna come back and take you home
I could not stop but you now know, singin'
Come out upon my seas,
Curse missed opportunities
Am I a part of the cure
Or am I part of the disease, singin'
love that song. clocks by coldplay. but hey, don't you think the last part sounds very U2? the "nothing else compares" part?
the meeting ended really late last night. and frankly, i felt it was a great mistake going to school today. spent the day in a sleepy state of mind. physics prac was more screwed up than it usually is. 4 periods of lecture in lt1 is a real butt-killer, and a sure way of freezing to death. i couldn't even hold my pen or turn my lecture notes by the 4th lecture period! and the 3 free blocks i thought i'd use to study...i fell asleep. but i guess that's ok. i survived!
anyway, i went to meet delaine(laney) after school. one of my really good friends who went overseas to study. and made a new friend as well. was interesting, really, to see how different the teen culture in singapore is compared to that in london. they're so havoc! haha. i sometimes wonder what i'd be like if i went overseas to study. would i join in and become part of the local culture? or would i sorely stick out like a sore thumb or hide in a little corner? what would i do?? i've yet to find out....
the busride back home was a killer. the jam was horrible. i took a nap.
oh no i've just realised something. the purpose of my blog isn't really to summarise what i've done everyday. but to type out my thoughts and feelings about stuff. but reading too much of other pple's blogs, i've sub-consciously been changing my blogging-style. how easily i waver! haha.
ok i'll get back on track soon. right now, i'm too sleepy to do anything about it. no biggie. have a nice day =)
Thursday, July 10, 2003
i am super super super HAPPY! haha. being swaku really elevates one's elated state of being sometimes. alot of times.
i only found out today that the poolside cafe sells jap food and has sofas!! haha cos i've hardly been to that vicinity of my school for a long time, you know..the sports complex? haha. it was nice wasting my free blocks there. didn't seem so wasted after all. but i ate alot, maybe too much. unagi...mmmmm....the creatures i recently dreamt of, with rice and mushroom and stuff. was pretty good. though i wish there was cold soba noodles. yum. also shared spicy chicken drumlets with jac. she drowned our fries in a dead sea of salt when she said she'd only add..a little. clever girl, jac. that was the first wonderful revelation. the second was music to my ears.
haha. well, for MONTHS since the beginning of the year, thursdays have been really shitty. lessons until 11.40am. FOUR FREE BLOCKS. then one stupid physics tutorial, not always productive, after which we finally get dismissed at 3. BUT NOW, our phys is at ONE so we get dismissed at ONE FORTY. oh mama, life is sweeeeeeet. actually i came home straight after school to do work. ahem. shireen, why are you here? got to go for a meeting at 8.30. gonna miss CHEMISTRY, the series. yes i do watch that shit. haha.
yesterday was a great day too. short school day. went to play tennis immediately after school. it was one of my better games and it was really fun. though sheryl tay and mr ray hit a couple of home runs haha. and the monfort sec boys who came to train were laughing at us what the hell. bugger off haha. well, the weather was so tempremental. it was blazing hot one minute, pouring the next. the rain was so refreshing! so anyway, we gathered round the vending machine and there was this drink called "MYSTERY DRINK" haha. curious, we decided to try our luck. first drink, mirinda cherry. quite safe. so we decided to try again, with my money of course. SOME STUPID BLACK SOY WHATEVER DRINK with a smell that i'll never forgot. mr ray drank it all up! gross. stupid mystery drink. moral of the story. always use your friend's money when you want to try a mystery drink.
after that, we went to the chen su lan methodist children's home to check it out cos we've been thinking of volunteering there. however, due to our impending dooms (exams), we couldn't commit entirely to the prog. so we're not doing com service there. BUT, it was nevertheless, a visit unwasted. learnt alot of stuff. and finally got a chance to look around and observe the home and the children, the home i've been jogging past ever so often, hidden in the outskirts of serangoon gardens. so well, we had dinner after that and hung around a bit. then headed home in time to watch true courage cos my friend was appearing on it and i missed it the first time. daryl lim. his mom is gladys lim, the lady who was in ICU for 53 days and who woke up on easter. amazing. miracles.
zixiang, read your blog. i'll link you, and alot of other pple, when my brother gets down to it. haha. just reminded me that i still have one more gp essay to write too!! what priorities would you advise a 21-year-old to have in life? i couldn't choose anything else. damn. i took 4 days to write the 1st one!
actually i wanna say alot of other things that are probably more worth mentioning than whatever else i've typed out for this entry. but time's slipping through my fingers, so another time! tata!
i only found out today that the poolside cafe sells jap food and has sofas!! haha cos i've hardly been to that vicinity of my school for a long time, you know..the sports complex? haha. it was nice wasting my free blocks there. didn't seem so wasted after all. but i ate alot, maybe too much. unagi...mmmmm....the creatures i recently dreamt of, with rice and mushroom and stuff. was pretty good. though i wish there was cold soba noodles. yum. also shared spicy chicken drumlets with jac. she drowned our fries in a dead sea of salt when she said she'd only add..a little. clever girl, jac. that was the first wonderful revelation. the second was music to my ears.
haha. well, for MONTHS since the beginning of the year, thursdays have been really shitty. lessons until 11.40am. FOUR FREE BLOCKS. then one stupid physics tutorial, not always productive, after which we finally get dismissed at 3. BUT NOW, our phys is at ONE so we get dismissed at ONE FORTY. oh mama, life is sweeeeeeet. actually i came home straight after school to do work. ahem. shireen, why are you here? got to go for a meeting at 8.30. gonna miss CHEMISTRY, the series. yes i do watch that shit. haha.
yesterday was a great day too. short school day. went to play tennis immediately after school. it was one of my better games and it was really fun. though sheryl tay and mr ray hit a couple of home runs haha. and the monfort sec boys who came to train were laughing at us what the hell. bugger off haha. well, the weather was so tempremental. it was blazing hot one minute, pouring the next. the rain was so refreshing! so anyway, we gathered round the vending machine and there was this drink called "MYSTERY DRINK" haha. curious, we decided to try our luck. first drink, mirinda cherry. quite safe. so we decided to try again, with my money of course. SOME STUPID BLACK SOY WHATEVER DRINK with a smell that i'll never forgot. mr ray drank it all up! gross. stupid mystery drink. moral of the story. always use your friend's money when you want to try a mystery drink.
after that, we went to the chen su lan methodist children's home to check it out cos we've been thinking of volunteering there. however, due to our impending dooms (exams), we couldn't commit entirely to the prog. so we're not doing com service there. BUT, it was nevertheless, a visit unwasted. learnt alot of stuff. and finally got a chance to look around and observe the home and the children, the home i've been jogging past ever so often, hidden in the outskirts of serangoon gardens. so well, we had dinner after that and hung around a bit. then headed home in time to watch true courage cos my friend was appearing on it and i missed it the first time. daryl lim. his mom is gladys lim, the lady who was in ICU for 53 days and who woke up on easter. amazing. miracles.
zixiang, read your blog. i'll link you, and alot of other pple, when my brother gets down to it. haha. just reminded me that i still have one more gp essay to write too!! what priorities would you advise a 21-year-old to have in life? i couldn't choose anything else. damn. i took 4 days to write the 1st one!
actually i wanna say alot of other things that are probably more worth mentioning than whatever else i've typed out for this entry. but time's slipping through my fingers, so another time! tata!
Monday, July 07, 2003
a whole weekend and a monday has passed. i reserved today for work and revision, more like for sleeping and eating and watching tv. but hey, some good came out of it...watching tv, that is.
some of you might not know this but...i watch alot of oprah on starworld, every weekday at 1pm. during the hols or on self-declared hols at least. hey, it's not as bad as those freaks(pardon me) who are hooked onto days of our lives! ANYWAY, today's show was on miraculous coincidences, or rather, DIVINE INTERVENTION. spectacular! there were so many stories. maybe i'll just share a few.
there was this pregnant lady who woke up one day with great pains in her womb. she immediately felt as though something was terribly wrong and her mom rushed her down to the hospital. there, her baby was delivered, dead. no breathing, no pulse, just dead dead. frantic, the doctors tried resuscitating the baby girl but to no avail. for half an hour at least. with all hope lost, they let the mother carry the baby girl in her arms to bid her last goodbyes. the mother then asked for the baby to be baptised and was holding her in her arms, saying her goodbyes when suddenly, the baby just gasped for air!! 65 min after dying, the baby literally returned to life! but that wasn't the end of the story. the baby was found to be severely brain-damaged. no sense of touch, nothing. and so they decided to take her off life support. she wasn't responding to the sense of touch and whatnot. then, she suddenly grabbed hold of someone's finger and she was able to suck from her milk bottle. she was coming back as a perfectly normal child! from being dead to being pronounced severely brain-damaged to growing up as a perfectly healthy child. she's 3 years old now. she's a miracle from above.
another story. this guy had been looking for his birth parents for 20 years. he was given up for adoption. when his adopted parents died, he started really looking for the birth parents for 7 years but to no avail, after which he stopped. he decided to move on. even got himself a new job. at his new job, he went to a nearby food outlet at a nearby walmart 3 times a week at least cos he was really fond of the food there. there was always a lady at the counter who was always very friendly and loving to him.
so anyway, one day, he decided to just key in the name of his mother again and search for her on the internet. and lo and behold, he actually got a match. so he sent an online msg to her but it was his sister to had received the message, a sister who never knew he existed. so, she called him up and they started talking. and guess what she told him!
his birth mom had been working in that walmart he went to for lunch for a couple of years now and she worked at the counter of the food outlet there! the same woman who had been serving his lunch 3 times a week for 2 years was actually his very own mom! wonderful how God works isn't it? he decided to stop searching and move on with his life. but God didn't give up. he was led directly to his mom instead. and he just never knew.
there were so many other stories. everyday examples of miracles. we pray for things for so long and sometimes wonder why they never turn out the way we want to or why they never happen at all but hey. God works in his own time, mate. and if we let him do his thang, we can see that the outcomes are beyond what we've ever imagined, better than what we even dreamed off. sometimes, all we really need is just need is a little bit of faith. that's all.
i've said it before and i'll say it again. there really is some good in tv.
some of you might not know this but...i watch alot of oprah on starworld, every weekday at 1pm. during the hols or on self-declared hols at least. hey, it's not as bad as those freaks(pardon me) who are hooked onto days of our lives! ANYWAY, today's show was on miraculous coincidences, or rather, DIVINE INTERVENTION. spectacular! there were so many stories. maybe i'll just share a few.
there was this pregnant lady who woke up one day with great pains in her womb. she immediately felt as though something was terribly wrong and her mom rushed her down to the hospital. there, her baby was delivered, dead. no breathing, no pulse, just dead dead. frantic, the doctors tried resuscitating the baby girl but to no avail. for half an hour at least. with all hope lost, they let the mother carry the baby girl in her arms to bid her last goodbyes. the mother then asked for the baby to be baptised and was holding her in her arms, saying her goodbyes when suddenly, the baby just gasped for air!! 65 min after dying, the baby literally returned to life! but that wasn't the end of the story. the baby was found to be severely brain-damaged. no sense of touch, nothing. and so they decided to take her off life support. she wasn't responding to the sense of touch and whatnot. then, she suddenly grabbed hold of someone's finger and she was able to suck from her milk bottle. she was coming back as a perfectly normal child! from being dead to being pronounced severely brain-damaged to growing up as a perfectly healthy child. she's 3 years old now. she's a miracle from above.
another story. this guy had been looking for his birth parents for 20 years. he was given up for adoption. when his adopted parents died, he started really looking for the birth parents for 7 years but to no avail, after which he stopped. he decided to move on. even got himself a new job. at his new job, he went to a nearby food outlet at a nearby walmart 3 times a week at least cos he was really fond of the food there. there was always a lady at the counter who was always very friendly and loving to him.
so anyway, one day, he decided to just key in the name of his mother again and search for her on the internet. and lo and behold, he actually got a match. so he sent an online msg to her but it was his sister to had received the message, a sister who never knew he existed. so, she called him up and they started talking. and guess what she told him!
his birth mom had been working in that walmart he went to for lunch for a couple of years now and she worked at the counter of the food outlet there! the same woman who had been serving his lunch 3 times a week for 2 years was actually his very own mom! wonderful how God works isn't it? he decided to stop searching and move on with his life. but God didn't give up. he was led directly to his mom instead. and he just never knew.
there were so many other stories. everyday examples of miracles. we pray for things for so long and sometimes wonder why they never turn out the way we want to or why they never happen at all but hey. God works in his own time, mate. and if we let him do his thang, we can see that the outcomes are beyond what we've ever imagined, better than what we even dreamed off. sometimes, all we really need is just need is a little bit of faith. that's all.
i've said it before and i'll say it again. there really is some good in tv.
i finally stepped into the esplanade concert hall today. more importantly, i finally saw the pipe organ. went there for a pipe organ recital cos it was free admission. an acjc girl was one of the 3 playing by the way. i was awestruck! it was such a sacred sight. all those beautiful pipes with music echoing from them and around the hall. brought to life by the fingers and the feet of the organist. the organists played facing the pipes, with their backs to the audience. it strongly reminded me of the way mass was said in the past, the priests facing the altar with their backs to the congregation. likewise, with no intention of blaspheming here, the organist offered up the musical notes to the pipes, the grand altar infront, his(her) back facing the audience. this rather added on to the sacred effect. however, if i come tothink about it now, the whole thing seemed rather peculiar and amusing.
i fell asleep at many a times though. the organ pieces were lulling me into a deep slumber; what with it being a sunday afternoon and a readily available comfortable chair and lack of sleep from the nightS before.
whatever it is, i have yet another dream. i dream of playing on that oragan one day. it's gorgeous. and i don't care whether it's to give a performance or just to fool around by some pretty good luck. i just know that i long to run my fingers on the keys and trot on the pedals and admire the magnificent sounds produced from a few gentle touches.
speaking about dreams, i dreamt about eels the other day. in this dream, i was on my way home to get dressed for someone's wedding. not sure whether it was mine or not. next thing i know, i was in some really snenic place. felt like china or mongolia though there was really no way to tell. i just knew. next thing i know, i was at the edge of some lake or pond or something and staring into it, with my feet in the water. i saw something but couldn't make out what it was. as it started becoming more defined, i realised it was an eel but i didn't bother to move away. but when it touched me, i panicked and tried to move away but it started coiling itself around my legs and worked its way up, coiling around the rest of my body. then, i saw another eel emerging from the water and slithering over to me. it seemed like these two eels had a certain bond with each other and could never part. what one did, the other would do.
then somehow, someone came along and told me to shake alot as shaking would scare the eel away. i was scared to at first. but decided to follow his advice. i started shaking and shaking as though i was possessed. the eel uncolied itself and quickly slithered away back into the water. the other eel followed suit naturally. the two eels would never dream of parting.
well i can't remember what happened after that. does this mean anything? well, i thought of something. i used to watch alot of the little mermaid when i was young and there were 2 eels in it. then quite recently, i was reading harry potter and something coiled around someone and lets see. my cousin's getting married next year. and earlier in the day, i did watch a movie with scenic backgrounds except that i don't remember seeing any gigantic lakes like i saw in my dream. so maybe, everything became rojak in my mind? past movies, current events, familiar stories and past dreams all rolled into one?
oh and that movie with the scenic background...it's called mr. and mrs. iyer. it's set in india but the script is mostly english. really interesting. it touched on the issues of caste system and religious animosity in india which makes india as segregated as it is. it touched on other things as well. fear, love, sacrifice, priorities,basic human kindness. at the beginning of the movie, there was a verse that was quoted and it really struck me. i can't quote it word for word for memory fails me. but it's something like this:
"where shall i wield my knife?
from what shall i take it out of
or plunge it into?
for you are the whole world my lord"
makes sense to me.
i fell asleep at many a times though. the organ pieces were lulling me into a deep slumber; what with it being a sunday afternoon and a readily available comfortable chair and lack of sleep from the nightS before.
whatever it is, i have yet another dream. i dream of playing on that oragan one day. it's gorgeous. and i don't care whether it's to give a performance or just to fool around by some pretty good luck. i just know that i long to run my fingers on the keys and trot on the pedals and admire the magnificent sounds produced from a few gentle touches.
speaking about dreams, i dreamt about eels the other day. in this dream, i was on my way home to get dressed for someone's wedding. not sure whether it was mine or not. next thing i know, i was in some really snenic place. felt like china or mongolia though there was really no way to tell. i just knew. next thing i know, i was at the edge of some lake or pond or something and staring into it, with my feet in the water. i saw something but couldn't make out what it was. as it started becoming more defined, i realised it was an eel but i didn't bother to move away. but when it touched me, i panicked and tried to move away but it started coiling itself around my legs and worked its way up, coiling around the rest of my body. then, i saw another eel emerging from the water and slithering over to me. it seemed like these two eels had a certain bond with each other and could never part. what one did, the other would do.
then somehow, someone came along and told me to shake alot as shaking would scare the eel away. i was scared to at first. but decided to follow his advice. i started shaking and shaking as though i was possessed. the eel uncolied itself and quickly slithered away back into the water. the other eel followed suit naturally. the two eels would never dream of parting.
well i can't remember what happened after that. does this mean anything? well, i thought of something. i used to watch alot of the little mermaid when i was young and there were 2 eels in it. then quite recently, i was reading harry potter and something coiled around someone and lets see. my cousin's getting married next year. and earlier in the day, i did watch a movie with scenic backgrounds except that i don't remember seeing any gigantic lakes like i saw in my dream. so maybe, everything became rojak in my mind? past movies, current events, familiar stories and past dreams all rolled into one?
oh and that movie with the scenic background...it's called mr. and mrs. iyer. it's set in india but the script is mostly english. really interesting. it touched on the issues of caste system and religious animosity in india which makes india as segregated as it is. it touched on other things as well. fear, love, sacrifice, priorities,basic human kindness. at the beginning of the movie, there was a verse that was quoted and it really struck me. i can't quote it word for word for memory fails me. but it's something like this:
"where shall i wield my knife?
from what shall i take it out of
or plunge it into?
for you are the whole world my lord"
makes sense to me.
Sunday, June 29, 2003
i was at borders on friday, before meeting with a bunch of old pals to watch the three sexy angels kick ass and show how stupid guys are! haha. (lucky shoutouts are closed for maintenance) anyway, at borders, i picked up some trashy funny novel that i wanted to read but just couldn't find a damn sofa anywhere! (do you know that tagboard bans the word "damn"?) so anyway, i finally found a space on a bench at the photography/art section which i don't usually go to. but as i sat down there, a book caught my eye...two actually. photography books. one on love. one on family. yea know what you're thinking. soppy, mushy stuff yuck. well...you are...RIGHT! haha. cos some pictures really turned me into mush. and i never got down to reading that stupid trashy novel haha.
some quotes i liked. i can't put the pictures up here sorry. go look out for them if u're lucky enough to find those books.
also, just found my tom mcrae songs again and started listening to them. blogged abt his songs last time. go check them out. or ask me for reccos if u want. i'll leave you with some of those quotes...meanwhile, have a nice day. =)
Children's faces looking up, holding wonder like a cup. - Sara Teasdale
There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread, but there are many more dying for a little love. - Mother Teresa
some quotes i liked. i can't put the pictures up here sorry. go look out for them if u're lucky enough to find those books.
also, just found my tom mcrae songs again and started listening to them. blogged abt his songs last time. go check them out. or ask me for reccos if u want. i'll leave you with some of those quotes...meanwhile, have a nice day. =)
Children's faces looking up, holding wonder like a cup. - Sara Teasdale
There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread, but there are many more dying for a little love. - Mother Teresa
Friday, June 27, 2003
wow. i've been talking so much! just talking and talking and talking and tal...
stayed over at sheryl's after tuition yesterday. we went for supper and only came back to her place at..3? yea we were just talking and talking and talking and tal...decided we should leave gardens and start heading back ard 2 and we decided to walk all the way to her house. pretty nice walk.long walk. so we did more talking and talking and talking and tal...and when we reached her place we decided to cook our own instant noodles...mmmm...ramen! it was (shameful, shameful) our first time cooking our own instant noodles. yes i always prepare my own cup noodles. but this is different! it required alot of teamwork mind you! finally went to sleep at 5. and that's how my nights have been the rest of the week. earliest i've slept this week..3? seems to be hittin alot of pple too.
anyway after sheryl's, met my godma for tea today and got down to more talking and talking and talking and tal...and then i walked up to church and met some friends as well and there was more yea u guessed it. talking.
maybe that's why i'm so thirsty today. but they were all fantastic conversations. they say silence is golden. they say people shouldn't talk too much. i say a good conversation is priceless.
stayed over at sheryl's after tuition yesterday. we went for supper and only came back to her place at..3? yea we were just talking and talking and talking and tal...decided we should leave gardens and start heading back ard 2 and we decided to walk all the way to her house. pretty nice walk.long walk. so we did more talking and talking and talking and tal...and when we reached her place we decided to cook our own instant noodles...mmmm...ramen! it was (shameful, shameful) our first time cooking our own instant noodles. yes i always prepare my own cup noodles. but this is different! it required alot of teamwork mind you! finally went to sleep at 5. and that's how my nights have been the rest of the week. earliest i've slept this week..3? seems to be hittin alot of pple too.
anyway after sheryl's, met my godma for tea today and got down to more talking and talking and talking and tal...and then i walked up to church and met some friends as well and there was more yea u guessed it. talking.
maybe that's why i'm so thirsty today. but they were all fantastic conversations. they say silence is golden. they say people shouldn't talk too much. i say a good conversation is priceless.
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
OH DEAR GOD PLEASE HELP ME!
i'm doing a gp essay now. i'm supposed to pick from a choice of 11 topics. so i picked, "Do you agree that copyright laws make life BETTER for everyone?" and i wrote the introduction, on what a copyright is. i'm trying to research on how drug patents have brought about negative consequences on third-world countries now. i need concrete evidence! why am i making so much effort? cos i really can't stand to see those sucky gp grades vandalising my essays anymore! but i just can't concentrate. and i'm getting drowsy with boredom. it's only a gp essay.
i really hate making decisions. what clothes to wear. what gp essay topic to write on. where i should hail a taxi from. which shampoo to buy. which event to go for. what food to choose from the menu. what to do with my life..???!!
it's only a gp essay. get a grip.
i'm doing a gp essay now. i'm supposed to pick from a choice of 11 topics. so i picked, "Do you agree that copyright laws make life BETTER for everyone?" and i wrote the introduction, on what a copyright is. i'm trying to research on how drug patents have brought about negative consequences on third-world countries now. i need concrete evidence! why am i making so much effort? cos i really can't stand to see those sucky gp grades vandalising my essays anymore! but i just can't concentrate. and i'm getting drowsy with boredom. it's only a gp essay.
i really hate making decisions. what clothes to wear. what gp essay topic to write on. where i should hail a taxi from. which shampoo to buy. which event to go for. what food to choose from the menu. what to do with my life..???!!
it's only a gp essay. get a grip.
Monday, June 23, 2003
Thursday, June 19, 2003
well...not sure what to blog now. seems to be the case nowadays. no matter what happens during the day. explains my so-called blog stagnantation. ok i got it! well just now, i was actually writing in a diary. well it's not really a diary. it's more like a book of letters addressed to God. special personal feel to it. and i guess i might just share bits of what i penned down...
ok, today, i was walking down the hill from my church.
i was supposed to go for tuition. but my mom encouraged me to skip it and go for dinner with the family. something we haven't done in a while. so immediately after mass, i left. as i was walking away from church, i felt the raindrops. it was a drizzle only. i thought i could brave a drizzle. i started praying for the rain to stop. the more i prayed, the more it rained. it was a few drops. i heard it coming before i felt it. the aluminium roofs were reverberating with the sound of raindrops pelting down on it. all at once the heavens unleashed its fury on me. i only had a measly plastic file to cover my just re-rebonded hair! the hair-dresser said i couldn't wash it for 3 days! haha. and i was supposed to go out for dinner! by the time i reached the hill, i was soaking wet! and the farther i walked, the harder it rained. there was no shelter nearby. well, save for all the houses i was walking by. irony.
lo and behold, i heard a honk. a taxi mysteriously appeared. and i immediately got in. instead of meeting my mom or going for tuition, i went straight home.
God works in mysterious ways.
i mean, there i am praying so hard for a drizzle to stop. then, it suddenly pours like crazy. but i wouldn't have gotten into that taxi if i wasn't soaking wet. i would have dismissed it if i was only slightly wet. the cabbie really seemed glad to come to my aid. he was a nice guy. but i could tell, he was thankful, even for a soaking wet customer to come into his taxi dripping rainwater all over the seats. so i went home and had to change. but my sudden change of plans and the sudden change of circumstances which brought me home made me change into a shirt my father had bought me from indo and a pair of shoes he'd bought me before. cause basically, everything i was wearing was soaking wet. i also got a chance to collect his father's day present and card which we couldn't give him on fathers day cause he was in indo. then i joined my family for one of the more peaceful meals together in a long time. and it was turned into a nice belated fathers day celebration. peaceful.
so you see. i got drenched. bummer. but i still had a nice dinner with my family. the cabbie got more money. the flowers were watered after enduring the scorching afternoon weather. it's amazing how God actually planned the time each water droplet would evaporate into the sky to become part of a cloud such that each would fall as rain at that certain time they were meant to to cause a phenomenon in one's life. it's amazing how i decided to go to church today and walk down the hill at that time. it's amazing how when i really needed help, a taxi was suddenly conjured.
what i'm saying is that next time life throws shit in our faces, we should try and find the magic in it. how god creates perfection in imperfection.it makes life more fun and bearable. it actually makes one look forward to living.
it makes one smile even when one is soaking wet in a terrible downpour.
ok, today, i was walking down the hill from my church.
i was supposed to go for tuition. but my mom encouraged me to skip it and go for dinner with the family. something we haven't done in a while. so immediately after mass, i left. as i was walking away from church, i felt the raindrops. it was a drizzle only. i thought i could brave a drizzle. i started praying for the rain to stop. the more i prayed, the more it rained. it was a few drops. i heard it coming before i felt it. the aluminium roofs were reverberating with the sound of raindrops pelting down on it. all at once the heavens unleashed its fury on me. i only had a measly plastic file to cover my just re-rebonded hair! the hair-dresser said i couldn't wash it for 3 days! haha. and i was supposed to go out for dinner! by the time i reached the hill, i was soaking wet! and the farther i walked, the harder it rained. there was no shelter nearby. well, save for all the houses i was walking by. irony.
lo and behold, i heard a honk. a taxi mysteriously appeared. and i immediately got in. instead of meeting my mom or going for tuition, i went straight home.
God works in mysterious ways.
i mean, there i am praying so hard for a drizzle to stop. then, it suddenly pours like crazy. but i wouldn't have gotten into that taxi if i wasn't soaking wet. i would have dismissed it if i was only slightly wet. the cabbie really seemed glad to come to my aid. he was a nice guy. but i could tell, he was thankful, even for a soaking wet customer to come into his taxi dripping rainwater all over the seats. so i went home and had to change. but my sudden change of plans and the sudden change of circumstances which brought me home made me change into a shirt my father had bought me from indo and a pair of shoes he'd bought me before. cause basically, everything i was wearing was soaking wet. i also got a chance to collect his father's day present and card which we couldn't give him on fathers day cause he was in indo. then i joined my family for one of the more peaceful meals together in a long time. and it was turned into a nice belated fathers day celebration. peaceful.
so you see. i got drenched. bummer. but i still had a nice dinner with my family. the cabbie got more money. the flowers were watered after enduring the scorching afternoon weather. it's amazing how God actually planned the time each water droplet would evaporate into the sky to become part of a cloud such that each would fall as rain at that certain time they were meant to to cause a phenomenon in one's life. it's amazing how i decided to go to church today and walk down the hill at that time. it's amazing how when i really needed help, a taxi was suddenly conjured.
what i'm saying is that next time life throws shit in our faces, we should try and find the magic in it. how god creates perfection in imperfection.it makes life more fun and bearable. it actually makes one look forward to living.
it makes one smile even when one is soaking wet in a terrible downpour.
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
haha blog stagnantation alert?! ok i guess.
alot has happened in the week. a bunch of words on a blog just isn't how i wanna summarise it all. and maybe, i'm just a tad too lazy to. in fact, there's so much i wanna share but i just don't know where to start and how much to share. presently, i'm in an elated state of being and yet, my heart seems to be heavy at the same time about something. a certain uneasiness, a certain anxiety.
i think, at this moment, i'm just a colourful tie-dye shirt in a washing machine on full spin. and the colours are running. and i'm drowning in bubbles of joy. and i'm gagging on bitter soapy water. and i'm swirling in a whirlpool of confusion.
and my hair's getting wet. damn.
a wishy washy wishing washing machine.
alot has happened in the week. a bunch of words on a blog just isn't how i wanna summarise it all. and maybe, i'm just a tad too lazy to. in fact, there's so much i wanna share but i just don't know where to start and how much to share. presently, i'm in an elated state of being and yet, my heart seems to be heavy at the same time about something. a certain uneasiness, a certain anxiety.
i think, at this moment, i'm just a colourful tie-dye shirt in a washing machine on full spin. and the colours are running. and i'm drowning in bubbles of joy. and i'm gagging on bitter soapy water. and i'm swirling in a whirlpool of confusion.
and my hair's getting wet. damn.
a wishy washy wishing washing machine.
Friday, May 30, 2003
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anyway, worth a listen. if one digs placebo. english summer rain and sleeping with ghosts. i didn't catch a chance to check out the rest of the album cos i had to run. the guitar riffs in english summer rain are pretty good. an urgent and yet calm feel to it.
had a good day again...i guess i need to record down the good days and not just complain about the bad days simply cos sometimes, i just need to remind myself that life really doesn't always suck. it's the simple things..the simple things...just gotta remember the simple things...the little souvenirs of a terrible year..
anyway, worth a listen. if one digs placebo. english summer rain and sleeping with ghosts. i didn't catch a chance to check out the rest of the album cos i had to run. the guitar riffs in english summer rain are pretty good. an urgent and yet calm feel to it.
had a good day again...i guess i need to record down the good days and not just complain about the bad days simply cos sometimes, i just need to remind myself that life really doesn't always suck. it's the simple things..the simple things...just gotta remember the simple things...the little souvenirs of a terrible year..
Thursday, May 29, 2003
i was beaming from ear to ear even before she said pens down. i was laughing at every small little silly sound i heard the other students making, irritated at themselves. everything didn't fail to amuse me. i finished the paper earlier than expected and nothing could turn the corners of my mouth down. THEN.....
then, after gleefully handing in the paper, i found out that i had just broken the guinness world record for the most number of careless mistakes in an exam ever. YOU GO GIRL! haha. all those marks, just thrown away like that, blown all over the place like dust in the wind. BUT...
but, i was still soooooo happy that a few, ok, alot, of marks, blasted away like that, failed to bring me down, down, down. i was elated. i was too damn happy. i just couldn't stop smiling. and i just couldn't help it. (head and shoulders advert, goosebumps) a whole bunch of us went for a really good lunch at magic wok. then a few of us went shopping. then i rushed down to PS as fast i could, was too carried away shopping. i don't even like shopping, but finally got myself some cash. as i was saying, rushed down to PS to....
to watch animatrix! and immediately after that, matrix reloaded. i thought both shows were really really awesome. but alot of pple don't seem to share the same sentiments as me. oh well. i still think it was damn bloody rawkin! anyway after that, i had to rush down again to...
to my house. haha. only to change and grab my tennis raquet and rush out again to meet a few friends for tennis. i even forgot to eat. at this moment, i still haven't eaten my dinner. but i'm not that hungry. sleepy i guess. what do u expect? i watched 2 movies straight...2 really zombifying movies!
i guess i've had a pretty satisfying day all in all. i actually wanted to type about something else. i don't know why i had this need to type out what i did today. i'll type out what i wanted to type out another day. basically cos i gotta run now. BUT...
but i was soooo happy that nothing oh nothing could bring me down, down, down.....
then, after gleefully handing in the paper, i found out that i had just broken the guinness world record for the most number of careless mistakes in an exam ever. YOU GO GIRL! haha. all those marks, just thrown away like that, blown all over the place like dust in the wind. BUT...
but, i was still soooooo happy that a few, ok, alot, of marks, blasted away like that, failed to bring me down, down, down. i was elated. i was too damn happy. i just couldn't stop smiling. and i just couldn't help it. (head and shoulders advert, goosebumps) a whole bunch of us went for a really good lunch at magic wok. then a few of us went shopping. then i rushed down to PS as fast i could, was too carried away shopping. i don't even like shopping, but finally got myself some cash. as i was saying, rushed down to PS to....
to watch animatrix! and immediately after that, matrix reloaded. i thought both shows were really really awesome. but alot of pple don't seem to share the same sentiments as me. oh well. i still think it was damn bloody rawkin! anyway after that, i had to rush down again to...
to my house. haha. only to change and grab my tennis raquet and rush out again to meet a few friends for tennis. i even forgot to eat. at this moment, i still haven't eaten my dinner. but i'm not that hungry. sleepy i guess. what do u expect? i watched 2 movies straight...2 really zombifying movies!
i guess i've had a pretty satisfying day all in all. i actually wanted to type about something else. i don't know why i had this need to type out what i did today. i'll type out what i wanted to type out another day. basically cos i gotta run now. BUT...
but i was soooo happy that nothing oh nothing could bring me down, down, down.....
Saturday, May 24, 2003
it's like an everlasting sauna, i tell you. these past few nights of may, my pyjamas cling to my sweaty body as i toss and turn on my bed, trying to find the coolest position to sleep in. the fan's on at full blast, but what use is a blast of hot wind on a hot tuesday night, or wednesday night, or thursday night?? yes, all the nights i haven't been able to sleep well. i turn on the aircon and switch off the fan. it's still too hot, something's wrong with the aircon. i switch both on. too cold, too thirsty! the aircon's too drying.. i sleep on the opposite end of the bed. nar, just not it. sleep has been a torturous affair, i tell you. sleep and i, we've been having a love-hate relationship. i really want to sleep, but it's such a nightmarish affair! i hope i'll be able to sleep well tonight. i really miss sleep! i really miss sleep sleep. the overwhelming number of waking hours are driving me insane, causing me to have a perpetual frown or squint or whatever, simply because i'm struggling to keep my eyes open, my eyes which are but mere slits now. oh gosh. i need to sleep so desperately. good night!
Saturday, May 10, 2003
life seems so diiferent through my eyes as the days pass me by this week. i don't know. i feel less scared of being alone now, maybe. i don't really bother being too fussy about who i'm with anymore. it just hasn't mattered too much to me this week. i feel more free. i feel different. light. (could still lose a coupla pounds or more.) sailing through life like a feather in the wind. something's definitely brewing in me. something wonderful.
there are days when i walk alone. when i have to take the train home alone. when i have to spend a free period or two in school alone. or whatever. it doesn't bother me so much anymore. the result of faith? perhaps.
i found myself in borders today browsing through the poetry of shel silverstein. a childlike voice at the heart of each poem. so simple yet so profound. and at times, just plain silly. so there i was, sitting on a bench there, scribbling down profusely poem after poem which i enjoyed in my notebook. here's one i rather liked. i liked alot actually. but well, this is kind of related to today's blog topic. it's called NOBODY.
Nobody
Nobody loves me,
Nobody cares,
Nobody picks me peaches and pears.
Nobody offers me candy and Cokes,
Nobody listens and laughs at my jokes.
Nobody helps when I get into a fight,
Nobody does all my homework a night.
Nobody misses me,
Nobody cares.
Nobody thinks I'm a wonderful guy.
So if you ask me who's my best friend, in a whiz,
I'll stand up and tell you that Nobody is.
But yesterday night, I got quite a scare,
I woke up and Nobody just wasn't there,
I called out and reached out for Nobody's hand,
In the darkness where Nobody usually stands.
Then I poked through the house, in each cranny and nook,
But I found somebody each place that I looked.
I searched till I'm tired, and now with the dawn,
There's no doubt about it -
Nobody's gone!
i think it's so true. it makes so much sense. if you ask me, i think loneliness is just a state of mind.
there are days when i walk alone. when i have to take the train home alone. when i have to spend a free period or two in school alone. or whatever. it doesn't bother me so much anymore. the result of faith? perhaps.
i found myself in borders today browsing through the poetry of shel silverstein. a childlike voice at the heart of each poem. so simple yet so profound. and at times, just plain silly. so there i was, sitting on a bench there, scribbling down profusely poem after poem which i enjoyed in my notebook. here's one i rather liked. i liked alot actually. but well, this is kind of related to today's blog topic. it's called NOBODY.
Nobody
Nobody loves me,
Nobody cares,
Nobody picks me peaches and pears.
Nobody offers me candy and Cokes,
Nobody listens and laughs at my jokes.
Nobody helps when I get into a fight,
Nobody does all my homework a night.
Nobody misses me,
Nobody cares.
Nobody thinks I'm a wonderful guy.
So if you ask me who's my best friend, in a whiz,
I'll stand up and tell you that Nobody is.
But yesterday night, I got quite a scare,
I woke up and Nobody just wasn't there,
I called out and reached out for Nobody's hand,
In the darkness where Nobody usually stands.
Then I poked through the house, in each cranny and nook,
But I found somebody each place that I looked.
I searched till I'm tired, and now with the dawn,
There's no doubt about it -
Nobody's gone!
i think it's so true. it makes so much sense. if you ask me, i think loneliness is just a state of mind.