turn the volume up now if you have not done so and let us give a warm welcome to singingfool on the right who has just moved in with us. yay!!
this week, singingfool will be playing for us 4 songs.
1) The Postal Service - We Will Become Silhouettes
2) Foo Fighters - Best of You
3) Foo Fighters - Learn to Fly
4) REM - Everbody Hurts
the first was the only postal service song singingfool had but i like it anyway. it is a crime to leave the jokers, foo fighters, out. and i like that REM video. if you want to hear them all, then you have to stay here till the end because i don't know whether there is any skin i can choose that will let you scroll to a particular song. i'll go explore. in the meantime, enjoy!!
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Monday, December 26, 2005
i'm not one who usually has the habit of regretting. like most things in life, i think regrets are just made up of stories we repeat to ourselves when we are not complete with something. and as i said before, i think incompleteness is also a state of a mind, and well, just a story too.
i don't know why i'm talking about this. i think it's because i'm trying not to regret. i don't know whether what happened was my fault. but i did remind him about what would happen. i did ask him many times whether he had told them. and every time, he said he had. when he said there was no reply, i knew something was not right. i don't know what further interrogation would have done so i just took his word for it though i really didn't. i don't know whether it was fear which stopped me. but once i stopped, i knew what was coming. and it came. perhaps, that is why i feel as though i'm on the verge of regret. should i have said something more? should i have made the phonecall which i didn't make? should i have let it go so easily? i know i wasn't the one who lied or the one who defied. but i feel like i am because i feel a sense of inauthenticity inside, having taken the easy way out. so yes, i am also one who has lied and defied by betraying what i knew had to be said and done. i don't know how much of this is just a story i spun but there are so many things i'm wishing. like...if only he didn't do what he did. if only i did what i should have done. but all these if only's are useless. and whatever happened, happened. and what is, just is. but this uneasy feeling inside bugs me. why?
today is the first anniversary of the tsunami that hit us the year before. as we go on with our lives today, and every other day, let us not forget that the victims of life's tsunamis, each and every one of us. let us always remind each other of goodness and hope so that we may never lose sight and regain our footing should these tsunamis sweep us off our feet and cause destruction in our lives. also, let it be a reminder to us to avoid making one of the biggest mistakes man has made throughout the centuries and milleniums, not living as though every second might be our last.
not everything was unpleasant today (sunday). i enjoyed reading my cards and it felt good celebrating with my relatives and friends. i really couldn't help but love them and keep smiling within. even when i kept getting nagged about not getting enough sleep and waking up late or about going out late. even when i got told off and vented upon for someone else's actions. i just can't help but feel that there is so much to be thankful for. not just so much, but everything in fact! well, i can only say it's all good.
i know there is still room for transformation. i know there are areas in my life where i am not complete with. i know a certain restlessness stirs within from time to time. i know there are people i should do more for. i know there are promises i have yet to fulfil. i know there are forms i have to fill in and places i have to go to. i know there are albums i should be recording and events i should be planning for. i know there is so much i still don't know or doubt. but i also know that it will be alright and all i have to do is keep walking and never lose sight and i know that if i do this, then sure enough, i will reach.
inhale. exhale.
i don't know why i'm talking about this. i think it's because i'm trying not to regret. i don't know whether what happened was my fault. but i did remind him about what would happen. i did ask him many times whether he had told them. and every time, he said he had. when he said there was no reply, i knew something was not right. i don't know what further interrogation would have done so i just took his word for it though i really didn't. i don't know whether it was fear which stopped me. but once i stopped, i knew what was coming. and it came. perhaps, that is why i feel as though i'm on the verge of regret. should i have said something more? should i have made the phonecall which i didn't make? should i have let it go so easily? i know i wasn't the one who lied or the one who defied. but i feel like i am because i feel a sense of inauthenticity inside, having taken the easy way out. so yes, i am also one who has lied and defied by betraying what i knew had to be said and done. i don't know how much of this is just a story i spun but there are so many things i'm wishing. like...if only he didn't do what he did. if only i did what i should have done. but all these if only's are useless. and whatever happened, happened. and what is, just is. but this uneasy feeling inside bugs me. why?
today is the first anniversary of the tsunami that hit us the year before. as we go on with our lives today, and every other day, let us not forget that the victims of life's tsunamis, each and every one of us. let us always remind each other of goodness and hope so that we may never lose sight and regain our footing should these tsunamis sweep us off our feet and cause destruction in our lives. also, let it be a reminder to us to avoid making one of the biggest mistakes man has made throughout the centuries and milleniums, not living as though every second might be our last.
not everything was unpleasant today (sunday). i enjoyed reading my cards and it felt good celebrating with my relatives and friends. i really couldn't help but love them and keep smiling within. even when i kept getting nagged about not getting enough sleep and waking up late or about going out late. even when i got told off and vented upon for someone else's actions. i just can't help but feel that there is so much to be thankful for. not just so much, but everything in fact! well, i can only say it's all good.
i know there is still room for transformation. i know there are areas in my life where i am not complete with. i know a certain restlessness stirs within from time to time. i know there are people i should do more for. i know there are promises i have yet to fulfil. i know there are forms i have to fill in and places i have to go to. i know there are albums i should be recording and events i should be planning for. i know there is so much i still don't know or doubt. but i also know that it will be alright and all i have to do is keep walking and never lose sight and i know that if i do this, then sure enough, i will reach.
inhale. exhale.
Friday, December 23, 2005
got back this morning and it felt like i had never left at all. india was already beginning to fade away as the cab pulled up infront of my house. i came in, patted reno and cooed at his cuteness, said hi to aunty as though i had just come back from school or the shop and went to the fridge to get some cookies to eat. for the past 16 days, it's like i went on without life and life went on without me but i didn't really mind.
well, well...what to say? you know how it is...for the things that really hit home in your heart, words are always insufficient and only scratch the surface if they scratch anything at all. i could write for a hundred years, a thousand words each day...but words are just shells. and that's one of the most important lessons i've learnt during this time. words are like containers and containers, well, contain. water takes the form of the container when it is contained and it flows freely, only as far as the walls of the container allow it too. water could take many other shapes but it only takes one when you put it in that one container. that's the consequence of judgement, when we put love in a box or in the shape of a heart or a diamond. it's all related in case you're wondering how "judgement" came into the picture. just as an example. you eat an ice-cream and in eating that ice-cream, experience a whole phletora of experiences which are infinite and ultimately, all one experience. but you say, "oh, the ice-cream was refreshing!" but the fact is that, that one word, 'refreshing", doesn't sum it all up. neither would using more words say it all. in fact, if anything, all you did was "contain" the experience. and the danger in that is that you distort the actual experience and grow to believe in the distorted one instead (if you are not conscious of this). then, instead of believing in the actual experience, you start believing in merely the word. it's like playing with the box and falling in love with it when you get a present. how's that for missing the point?
ok, so what's my point? nothing much. i'm just trying to say that the more i experienced, the harder it was for me to put them all into words. each moment was so profound and intense that i didn't ever want to forget so i kept a journal throughout. and i took lots of photos. alot!! meanwhile, i knew that the photos, the words, were all just...photos and words. and the only way i could really fully own those moments was by totally BEing in them. not to create stories about them, not to put a judgement or caption on them, but to just totally love and accept everything the universe was giving to me as a gift and to appreciate and be grateful for that gift. the moment i stopped doing that and started comparing one town to another and deciding where i was happier (be it between singapore and india or delhii and dharamshala), i had constricted the flow of love and the breath of god in me and it made me feel bitter and frustrated, choked up.
but those times when i was simply in awe and in love, with no or little room for fear, i felt truly alive and present, even in the midst of poverty, traffic jams, piss and pollution. and really horny cars which never fail to piss the shit out of me! hahaha.
just before i left for india, i was at the national library in singapore browsing for books to borrow. i happened to chance across a book about the philosopher, hegel, and thought of a friend. so i picked it up and randomly turned to a page and it talked about how in order to know something, you have to experience it. and yes, spouting profounds thoughts will never let me know god. only when i experience god can i truly know god. and the only way i can experience god is by living. even "god" is just a word. but if you strip away all the words, you'll find that everything is really all one and that there is only one word.
i know there are many religious people in the world. and there are also people who religiously make it a point to condemn religion. but i perceive that whether you profess to have a religion or not, you really do have one. ultimately, isn't that alot like us humans? our souls are infinite, and ultimately, all part of the same one god and yet, we were put into different bodies. our bodies are just shells to house our divine nature in the material realm. the thoughts and beliefs we hold on to and the structures we create which govern our lives are simply just the boxes we have created to contain that one big thing.
so ultimately, there is only that one thing which is the ultimate truth. and everything else, is well, an illusion or a manisfestation (or maybe, both) of it. religion is an inevitable part of life. it is our "zahir". each and every one of us lives according to some kind of "zahir", something your whole existence propels around. some of us try to fight it, to not have a religion, to break out of structures, but that fight then becomes our zahir. i was at the osho ashram bookshop in pune, india, reading an article about freedom. it spoke of 3 types of freedom namely, "freedom from", "freedom for" and "freedom". the first is negative freedom, the second is positive and the last, the highest form, just IS.
ok what are you saying, shireen???
well, i'm not really sure. i just know that all these rivers (whatever shape, length or size) lead to this one ocean and my purpose is to flow as one with them and empty out myself into this ocean.
i actually have so much to say about india. and i have so much more to say about everything i have just said. but i am hungry and am going to eat.
well, well...what to say? you know how it is...for the things that really hit home in your heart, words are always insufficient and only scratch the surface if they scratch anything at all. i could write for a hundred years, a thousand words each day...but words are just shells. and that's one of the most important lessons i've learnt during this time. words are like containers and containers, well, contain. water takes the form of the container when it is contained and it flows freely, only as far as the walls of the container allow it too. water could take many other shapes but it only takes one when you put it in that one container. that's the consequence of judgement, when we put love in a box or in the shape of a heart or a diamond. it's all related in case you're wondering how "judgement" came into the picture. just as an example. you eat an ice-cream and in eating that ice-cream, experience a whole phletora of experiences which are infinite and ultimately, all one experience. but you say, "oh, the ice-cream was refreshing!" but the fact is that, that one word, 'refreshing", doesn't sum it all up. neither would using more words say it all. in fact, if anything, all you did was "contain" the experience. and the danger in that is that you distort the actual experience and grow to believe in the distorted one instead (if you are not conscious of this). then, instead of believing in the actual experience, you start believing in merely the word. it's like playing with the box and falling in love with it when you get a present. how's that for missing the point?
ok, so what's my point? nothing much. i'm just trying to say that the more i experienced, the harder it was for me to put them all into words. each moment was so profound and intense that i didn't ever want to forget so i kept a journal throughout. and i took lots of photos. alot!! meanwhile, i knew that the photos, the words, were all just...photos and words. and the only way i could really fully own those moments was by totally BEing in them. not to create stories about them, not to put a judgement or caption on them, but to just totally love and accept everything the universe was giving to me as a gift and to appreciate and be grateful for that gift. the moment i stopped doing that and started comparing one town to another and deciding where i was happier (be it between singapore and india or delhii and dharamshala), i had constricted the flow of love and the breath of god in me and it made me feel bitter and frustrated, choked up.
but those times when i was simply in awe and in love, with no or little room for fear, i felt truly alive and present, even in the midst of poverty, traffic jams, piss and pollution. and really horny cars which never fail to piss the shit out of me! hahaha.
just before i left for india, i was at the national library in singapore browsing for books to borrow. i happened to chance across a book about the philosopher, hegel, and thought of a friend. so i picked it up and randomly turned to a page and it talked about how in order to know something, you have to experience it. and yes, spouting profounds thoughts will never let me know god. only when i experience god can i truly know god. and the only way i can experience god is by living. even "god" is just a word. but if you strip away all the words, you'll find that everything is really all one and that there is only one word.
i know there are many religious people in the world. and there are also people who religiously make it a point to condemn religion. but i perceive that whether you profess to have a religion or not, you really do have one. ultimately, isn't that alot like us humans? our souls are infinite, and ultimately, all part of the same one god and yet, we were put into different bodies. our bodies are just shells to house our divine nature in the material realm. the thoughts and beliefs we hold on to and the structures we create which govern our lives are simply just the boxes we have created to contain that one big thing.
so ultimately, there is only that one thing which is the ultimate truth. and everything else, is well, an illusion or a manisfestation (or maybe, both) of it. religion is an inevitable part of life. it is our "zahir". each and every one of us lives according to some kind of "zahir", something your whole existence propels around. some of us try to fight it, to not have a religion, to break out of structures, but that fight then becomes our zahir. i was at the osho ashram bookshop in pune, india, reading an article about freedom. it spoke of 3 types of freedom namely, "freedom from", "freedom for" and "freedom". the first is negative freedom, the second is positive and the last, the highest form, just IS.
ok what are you saying, shireen???
well, i'm not really sure. i just know that all these rivers (whatever shape, length or size) lead to this one ocean and my purpose is to flow as one with them and empty out myself into this ocean.
i actually have so much to say about india. and i have so much more to say about everything i have just said. but i am hungry and am going to eat.
Monday, December 12, 2005
the wonders of technology! i'm on a mountain in manali, india blogging using my brothers hi-tech handphone. good going pravin! someone just rang our doorbell and when we opened it, there was only a plastic bag containing pair of slippers. strange.
but well, there's been nothing ordinary about this trip since we landed. no, actually even before we landed. it's been amazing! nothing but.
gotta run....god bless!!
but well, there's been nothing ordinary about this trip since we landed. no, actually even before we landed. it's been amazing! nothing but.
gotta run....god bless!!
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
"...some days are diamonds
some days are rocks..."
walls by tom petty. thanks to jerel who will probably never read this but those words have gotten me on a roll. i think this is the most country song i have on my playlist now. haha.
tuesday started out as a rock but i just knew, know, that eventually, this mysterious and beautiful power transforms my rocks into diamonds (that's what i love about life!). i was holding out for that diamond. and here it is. i'm sitting back now to admire it with a contented smile on my face. aaah....
handing in my forms for work and travel was gentler than a breeze. i managed to buy my film because i needed to use the toilet and happened to walk past a film shop at novena square. i found a bus to take me to the library where i got to return my book which i never read because i had no time. i couldn't leave empty-handed, could i? so i got carried away and ended up carrying 5 books to the borrowing counters. the maximum was 4 so i thought i could make a decision there and then which to discard. lo and behold, there is a message at the counter saying we can borrow up to 8 during this holiday season! so i got to borrow them all but after that, my right shoulder got the work-out of its life haha. and what do you know? i ended up going shopping for a present for papa because i was so late for mass. after walking around for ages with my right arm about to be dislocated, i finally found one! by then, i had to take a cab cos i was running late for advent evening in church. when the cab reached my house, i literally had to dig my wallet for money cos i had so little left. thank goodness i collect old $1-notes which i never use because they're so rare. i used them this time. and...my mom let me take the car out! i was late for advent evening but it was really nice. it's been a long time since i've been for a tuesday night sharing and this came close enough. and i was pleasantly surprised to meet my aunty there. she came to say hi to me after the whole thing. and after she walked away, i suddenly had a strong urge to run after her and pour my heart and tears out to her. and she so patiently sat with me and talked with me. she's really helped us so much and i'm so thankful for her in my life. you have no idea. sam, terence, jude and celine joined us for supper and i felt really happy they did because it won't be long before it becomes a rarity. i really love them and hope the best for them when they leave. i enjoyed having supper with the rest of the usual suspects too. and some of the younger ones bumped into us and i just felt like, wow, nice cosy little neighbourhood. haha. then, melt, merrill, smelly and i stayed back for a while talking, after which i sent them home. and i loved sending them home because it made me feel so important haha. it was really such an honour. and when i got back home, i parked the car without any instructions from anyone because i was alone and... it was perfect! and my dad was waiting in the hall watching and i was so happy to see him smile and it felt like old times. i went up to see my mom and she was in a good mood too and i was happy to see her smile. and well, of course i boasted to her about my driving and parking haha.
the above paragraph must look like one big incoherent mess but what i'm really trying to say is that...i'm just happy right now. oh no, i sound so joyce-ish! haha...
without rocks, there'd be no diamonds.
some days are rocks..."
walls by tom petty. thanks to jerel who will probably never read this but those words have gotten me on a roll. i think this is the most country song i have on my playlist now. haha.
tuesday started out as a rock but i just knew, know, that eventually, this mysterious and beautiful power transforms my rocks into diamonds (that's what i love about life!). i was holding out for that diamond. and here it is. i'm sitting back now to admire it with a contented smile on my face. aaah....
handing in my forms for work and travel was gentler than a breeze. i managed to buy my film because i needed to use the toilet and happened to walk past a film shop at novena square. i found a bus to take me to the library where i got to return my book which i never read because i had no time. i couldn't leave empty-handed, could i? so i got carried away and ended up carrying 5 books to the borrowing counters. the maximum was 4 so i thought i could make a decision there and then which to discard. lo and behold, there is a message at the counter saying we can borrow up to 8 during this holiday season! so i got to borrow them all but after that, my right shoulder got the work-out of its life haha. and what do you know? i ended up going shopping for a present for papa because i was so late for mass. after walking around for ages with my right arm about to be dislocated, i finally found one! by then, i had to take a cab cos i was running late for advent evening in church. when the cab reached my house, i literally had to dig my wallet for money cos i had so little left. thank goodness i collect old $1-notes which i never use because they're so rare. i used them this time. and...my mom let me take the car out! i was late for advent evening but it was really nice. it's been a long time since i've been for a tuesday night sharing and this came close enough. and i was pleasantly surprised to meet my aunty there. she came to say hi to me after the whole thing. and after she walked away, i suddenly had a strong urge to run after her and pour my heart and tears out to her. and she so patiently sat with me and talked with me. she's really helped us so much and i'm so thankful for her in my life. you have no idea. sam, terence, jude and celine joined us for supper and i felt really happy they did because it won't be long before it becomes a rarity. i really love them and hope the best for them when they leave. i enjoyed having supper with the rest of the usual suspects too. and some of the younger ones bumped into us and i just felt like, wow, nice cosy little neighbourhood. haha. then, melt, merrill, smelly and i stayed back for a while talking, after which i sent them home. and i loved sending them home because it made me feel so important haha. it was really such an honour. and when i got back home, i parked the car without any instructions from anyone because i was alone and... it was perfect! and my dad was waiting in the hall watching and i was so happy to see him smile and it felt like old times. i went up to see my mom and she was in a good mood too and i was happy to see her smile. and well, of course i boasted to her about my driving and parking haha.
the above paragraph must look like one big incoherent mess but what i'm really trying to say is that...i'm just happy right now. oh no, i sound so joyce-ish! haha...
without rocks, there'd be no diamonds.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
cryptic (not so), sarcastic sms attacks,
angry voices booming through walls,
slamming of doors and crashing things,
they get me down, but only for a while,
i got plenty of reasons to smile.
it's so stupid how all of this started. please excuse me because i can't think of any less intelligent word besides "stupid". really, get over it. you don't even have tourettes, you weren't born with mermaid feet, you don't have cancer, you weren't made homeless by a hurricane, your dad didn't abandon you when you were a kid, you aren't poor. in fact, all that happened were...tantrums that were blown out of proportions.
let me tell you what's happening. noone knows how to talk to each other. the same things can be said without the vulgarities, with less accusations and name-calling, with non-dramatic words and with softer voices. and we wonder why noone listens or understands.
lets get this straight. firstly, even if you were all those things above that i said you weren't, you still have NO excuse to treat people like shit, just like there is no excuse for anyone to treat you like shit. i repeat, there is no excuse for that. secondly, stop waiting for other people to apologise or to make up for their "sins" before you do. otherwise, what's so much more sincere about your apology? and what makes you so right in the first place? thirdly, how the hell is your pride more important than this?
i'm not going to reciprocate. if you find me annoyingly nice or unmoved by the tantrums, it's because i am. simple as that. sometimes, words just don't provide the solution.
we're leaving for india tomorrow and i am going to enjoy every moment of it. i am really thankful for this opportunity. and i know i am blessed. i don't think you are a money-making machine or a doormat, you are my wonderful father. i don't think you are a naggy old hag, you are my beautiful mom. i don't think you are problem kids, you are my beloved brothers. and i love each and every one of you. i'm shireen but i'm not sweet by nature as my name professes me to be. but here i have been, baring my heart for you, because you're one of the rare few things that really matter..to me.
angry voices booming through walls,
slamming of doors and crashing things,
they get me down, but only for a while,
i got plenty of reasons to smile.
it's so stupid how all of this started. please excuse me because i can't think of any less intelligent word besides "stupid". really, get over it. you don't even have tourettes, you weren't born with mermaid feet, you don't have cancer, you weren't made homeless by a hurricane, your dad didn't abandon you when you were a kid, you aren't poor. in fact, all that happened were...tantrums that were blown out of proportions.
let me tell you what's happening. noone knows how to talk to each other. the same things can be said without the vulgarities, with less accusations and name-calling, with non-dramatic words and with softer voices. and we wonder why noone listens or understands.
lets get this straight. firstly, even if you were all those things above that i said you weren't, you still have NO excuse to treat people like shit, just like there is no excuse for anyone to treat you like shit. i repeat, there is no excuse for that. secondly, stop waiting for other people to apologise or to make up for their "sins" before you do. otherwise, what's so much more sincere about your apology? and what makes you so right in the first place? thirdly, how the hell is your pride more important than this?
i'm not going to reciprocate. if you find me annoyingly nice or unmoved by the tantrums, it's because i am. simple as that. sometimes, words just don't provide the solution.
we're leaving for india tomorrow and i am going to enjoy every moment of it. i am really thankful for this opportunity. and i know i am blessed. i don't think you are a money-making machine or a doormat, you are my wonderful father. i don't think you are a naggy old hag, you are my beautiful mom. i don't think you are problem kids, you are my beloved brothers. and i love each and every one of you. i'm shireen but i'm not sweet by nature as my name professes me to be. but here i have been, baring my heart for you, because you're one of the rare few things that really matter..to me.
i am so tired i can run forever.
i don't know what else to say. sometimes, this blog itself challenges me.
it's not just you, my friend.
believe me. sometimes, i too wish i could just strap each and everyone of you to a chair and gag your mouths so that the only thing you all can do is to just shut up and listen. for once. i guess i could but i guess i can't. well, at least, here, noone can shout or snap at me before i finish (or sometimes, even start) saying what i want, hang up the phone after a flurry of angry words (which you can't do here for obvious reasons) or tear up my letter because there is none to tear. yea, yea, there are other ways but i can't have everything, right?
but hey, this isn't about me. i don't want to tell you how it's affecting me. i really don't care about that. i just want you all to see what you are doing to each other. i want you all to stop blaming, stop shouting, stop the threats, stop hurting each other, stop cursing, stop taking all your issues out on everyone else, stop living in the past which is irrelevant, stop victimising yourselves, stop attacking...just stop it! just shut up and listen for once and you'll realise how STUPID AND WORTHLESS all this is.
it's tiring and draining. absorbing it, trying to diffuse it, trying to stay afloat when the whole ship is sinking. in the past, i used to just surrender immediately and say it's beyond hope but not now. because there's always hope. no, i won't give in now. i won't give in to becoming THAT. there are a million and one things i'd rather do right now (believe me, i REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY want to be selfish so much that it hurts). but i am not doing them because i want to be here. for US. because this is NOT worthless.
it's not all that bad. there have been so many good times. not everything was done out of spite or anger. many things were done out of pure love and kindness. but why, oh why, are we only looking at the darkness? THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE IN DARKNESS. that's why it looks like there's nothing here and that's why we think we're as good as dead.
i am willing to fight for us all and i have hope that we will be better. we have to try at least. no, we must! please don't let me do this alone. you know i'll break.
i don't know what else to say. sometimes, this blog itself challenges me.
it's not just you, my friend.
believe me. sometimes, i too wish i could just strap each and everyone of you to a chair and gag your mouths so that the only thing you all can do is to just shut up and listen. for once. i guess i could but i guess i can't. well, at least, here, noone can shout or snap at me before i finish (or sometimes, even start) saying what i want, hang up the phone after a flurry of angry words (which you can't do here for obvious reasons) or tear up my letter because there is none to tear. yea, yea, there are other ways but i can't have everything, right?
but hey, this isn't about me. i don't want to tell you how it's affecting me. i really don't care about that. i just want you all to see what you are doing to each other. i want you all to stop blaming, stop shouting, stop the threats, stop hurting each other, stop cursing, stop taking all your issues out on everyone else, stop living in the past which is irrelevant, stop victimising yourselves, stop attacking...just stop it! just shut up and listen for once and you'll realise how STUPID AND WORTHLESS all this is.
it's tiring and draining. absorbing it, trying to diffuse it, trying to stay afloat when the whole ship is sinking. in the past, i used to just surrender immediately and say it's beyond hope but not now. because there's always hope. no, i won't give in now. i won't give in to becoming THAT. there are a million and one things i'd rather do right now (believe me, i REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY want to be selfish so much that it hurts). but i am not doing them because i want to be here. for US. because this is NOT worthless.
it's not all that bad. there have been so many good times. not everything was done out of spite or anger. many things were done out of pure love and kindness. but why, oh why, are we only looking at the darkness? THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE IN DARKNESS. that's why it looks like there's nothing here and that's why we think we're as good as dead.
i am willing to fight for us all and i have hope that we will be better. we have to try at least. no, we must! please don't let me do this alone. you know i'll break.
Monday, December 05, 2005
nothing that sunny about this sunday, though one of the hottest ever, and not just in terms of degrees celsius.
i sometimes joke with adrian (japan) about how i fly to school on my broomstick whenever he teases me about my driving (though he's never seen me drive). today, he told me that while he was walking around in japan today, he saw a really nice broomstick and thought of me. that would be a nice early christmas gift, a broomstick which i could really fly away on sometimes.
so many walking bombs ticking away around us. you never know who or when but they've stored up the ammo and if you're accurate enough (which is easier than you think), you might just about push the right button/s or worse, be caught in the direct line of fire because you were the innoncent bystander at the wrong place at the wrong time (though i'm not sure whether there really is a wrong place and a wrong time).
everyone's been getting on everyone else's nerves today over the smallest things. and i mean SMALL. my mom was parking the car and i can't remember what she or anyone else was tensed about then but there it was, "Good Cheer Pub". just randomly appeared out of nowhere. next to a another pub called "i love happy daze".
"i think we all need to go down to good cheer pub," i said. it's funny i've never noticed these pubs before but when i finally did, it was for a good cause. i could feel a smile creeping upon the car for some moments and thank god!
and thank god for sending me adrian before i even had a chance to wallow in self-pity for the rest of the night! while talking to him, i realised i was simply justifying my desire to be indifferent and angry. people may be ticking bombs or choked up toilet bowls. but just as there are the wrong buttons to push and the wrong things to throw in, there are also the right ones. to fear or to love? that is the question.
bombs can be detonated. clogged up toilet bowls can be fixed and cleared. and scrooges can be loved.
well, the sunday has started to get a bit breezier. and though night has fallen, it does seem a bit sunnier now. i guess my thoughts and feelings do change as fast as the weather in singapore these days. =P
i sometimes joke with adrian (japan) about how i fly to school on my broomstick whenever he teases me about my driving (though he's never seen me drive). today, he told me that while he was walking around in japan today, he saw a really nice broomstick and thought of me. that would be a nice early christmas gift, a broomstick which i could really fly away on sometimes.
so many walking bombs ticking away around us. you never know who or when but they've stored up the ammo and if you're accurate enough (which is easier than you think), you might just about push the right button/s or worse, be caught in the direct line of fire because you were the innoncent bystander at the wrong place at the wrong time (though i'm not sure whether there really is a wrong place and a wrong time).
everyone's been getting on everyone else's nerves today over the smallest things. and i mean SMALL. my mom was parking the car and i can't remember what she or anyone else was tensed about then but there it was, "Good Cheer Pub". just randomly appeared out of nowhere. next to a another pub called "i love happy daze".
"i think we all need to go down to good cheer pub," i said. it's funny i've never noticed these pubs before but when i finally did, it was for a good cause. i could feel a smile creeping upon the car for some moments and thank god!
and thank god for sending me adrian before i even had a chance to wallow in self-pity for the rest of the night! while talking to him, i realised i was simply justifying my desire to be indifferent and angry. people may be ticking bombs or choked up toilet bowls. but just as there are the wrong buttons to push and the wrong things to throw in, there are also the right ones. to fear or to love? that is the question.
bombs can be detonated. clogged up toilet bowls can be fixed and cleared. and scrooges can be loved.
well, the sunday has started to get a bit breezier. and though night has fallen, it does seem a bit sunnier now. i guess my thoughts and feelings do change as fast as the weather in singapore these days. =P
Sunday, December 04, 2005
exams finally ended today (saturday). i don't know how i'm going to do for them but not expecting the best. not even going to expect because i'm not even going to think about them. don't know what got into me..haha..
just got back from my cousin's wedding reception. so many cute kids!!! all my little cousins and nephews!! at one point in time, i felt like i was a shepherd with many little sheep around my ankles. ok, they're not that small. but they were so funny and cheeky. pulling my scarf. giving me taps on my shoulder and running away. trying to scare me. showing off their "tattoos". telling me they want to go "shi shi". (i know what SOME of you reading are thinking, shhhh) haha...
the littler ones were in their own little worlds where they were the centres. when the photo montage was being screened, little joashie went up to the front and started dancing as though all the attention were on him. but that kid seriously knows how to groove! the 2-t0-4-year-olds were all acting grown-up around the babies, patting the babies' heads and rocking their baskets, talking to them in only words they could understand and screaming in their faces to wake them up and, beat this, putting their chests on the faces of the babies! (must be to try to breast-feed them or something!!! oh my gosh! these kids!!)
surjit is one funny guy. he always has a crazed look in his eyes. he took off his vest and put it on my head. then he ran away. his sister came and took the vest back to his mom. when surjit came back, he started asking around with a really bewildered and blur expression, "where is my raincoat??" raincoat! haha.
i remember there was once when these 3 siblings, surjit, sunil and sumeeta, came over to my house. their parents wanted to talk with my parents downstairs so i was entrusted to take care of them. i didn't know what to do so i whipped out the video cam and let each of them do some filming while the rest of us just jumped around shouting like hooligans and making monkey faces at the camera. i had to jump around and do all those stupid stuff too (cos i initiated it haha) and you could see by the end of that video, i was almost dead...but those kids, do kids ever get tired?? whenever i watch that video, i always shake my head at how silly we looked but inside, i'm really smiling and glad i captured this memory. who knows? ten to fifteen years down the road one day, one of them might be getting married, and this video might just appear on the screen at one of their wedding receptions. i bet when they are 27, they might have forgotten how crazy they used to be, how free..and when they watch it, they'll cover their faces under their napkins but i know that deep inside, they will be smiling too, as they remember how carefree and silly they used to be and that they once had that in them...
reminds me of one of my childhood videos. not sure whether i posted about this before. pravin and i were in our pyjamas and there was this little elephant playing drums (very noisily) and there we were "dancing". pravin used to follow whatever i did. jeevan wasn't born at that time. i was jumping around like mad, with my hair all over the place, shaking like crazy. and pravin followed suit. and those smiles on our faces! (we were too breathless to laugh out loud i think, or if we did, we laughed breathlessly.) and whenever i think about that clip, i feel happy. because it reminds me that times like those existed in my life where i was so free and so happy and so crazy and young. makes me know i had it in me once and perhaps, still do.
i seem to be very reminiscent in these past few entries, huh? but it's nice to remember, sometimes. i don't want to let these memories slip away. as i grow older (i know i'm only 20), i realise how much easier it is to forget. we start getting so caught up with school, with our careers, with making impressions, getting the right contacts, bla, bla, bla...and we just forget. i know i've been forgetting alot.
and now remembering alot. it's all come at a really apt time. just as another insane term at smu was being wrapped up, the termites which ate up the cabinet forcing us to take out the old photos and albums, the death of a strange old man, the reminder from ofotos.com threatening to terminate my account, an email typed late one night, a wedding and god knows what else all converged to take me back to who i am. to take me back home...
"let the children come to me and do not stop them, because the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."
i am. home. heaven. god. hmmm....
just got back from my cousin's wedding reception. so many cute kids!!! all my little cousins and nephews!! at one point in time, i felt like i was a shepherd with many little sheep around my ankles. ok, they're not that small. but they were so funny and cheeky. pulling my scarf. giving me taps on my shoulder and running away. trying to scare me. showing off their "tattoos". telling me they want to go "shi shi". (i know what SOME of you reading are thinking, shhhh) haha...
the littler ones were in their own little worlds where they were the centres. when the photo montage was being screened, little joashie went up to the front and started dancing as though all the attention were on him. but that kid seriously knows how to groove! the 2-t0-4-year-olds were all acting grown-up around the babies, patting the babies' heads and rocking their baskets, talking to them in only words they could understand and screaming in their faces to wake them up and, beat this, putting their chests on the faces of the babies! (must be to try to breast-feed them or something!!! oh my gosh! these kids!!)
surjit is one funny guy. he always has a crazed look in his eyes. he took off his vest and put it on my head. then he ran away. his sister came and took the vest back to his mom. when surjit came back, he started asking around with a really bewildered and blur expression, "where is my raincoat??" raincoat! haha.
i remember there was once when these 3 siblings, surjit, sunil and sumeeta, came over to my house. their parents wanted to talk with my parents downstairs so i was entrusted to take care of them. i didn't know what to do so i whipped out the video cam and let each of them do some filming while the rest of us just jumped around shouting like hooligans and making monkey faces at the camera. i had to jump around and do all those stupid stuff too (cos i initiated it haha) and you could see by the end of that video, i was almost dead...but those kids, do kids ever get tired?? whenever i watch that video, i always shake my head at how silly we looked but inside, i'm really smiling and glad i captured this memory. who knows? ten to fifteen years down the road one day, one of them might be getting married, and this video might just appear on the screen at one of their wedding receptions. i bet when they are 27, they might have forgotten how crazy they used to be, how free..and when they watch it, they'll cover their faces under their napkins but i know that deep inside, they will be smiling too, as they remember how carefree and silly they used to be and that they once had that in them...
reminds me of one of my childhood videos. not sure whether i posted about this before. pravin and i were in our pyjamas and there was this little elephant playing drums (very noisily) and there we were "dancing". pravin used to follow whatever i did. jeevan wasn't born at that time. i was jumping around like mad, with my hair all over the place, shaking like crazy. and pravin followed suit. and those smiles on our faces! (we were too breathless to laugh out loud i think, or if we did, we laughed breathlessly.) and whenever i think about that clip, i feel happy. because it reminds me that times like those existed in my life where i was so free and so happy and so crazy and young. makes me know i had it in me once and perhaps, still do.
i seem to be very reminiscent in these past few entries, huh? but it's nice to remember, sometimes. i don't want to let these memories slip away. as i grow older (i know i'm only 20), i realise how much easier it is to forget. we start getting so caught up with school, with our careers, with making impressions, getting the right contacts, bla, bla, bla...and we just forget. i know i've been forgetting alot.
and now remembering alot. it's all come at a really apt time. just as another insane term at smu was being wrapped up, the termites which ate up the cabinet forcing us to take out the old photos and albums, the death of a strange old man, the reminder from ofotos.com threatening to terminate my account, an email typed late one night, a wedding and god knows what else all converged to take me back to who i am. to take me back home...
"let the children come to me and do not stop them, because the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."
i am. home. heaven. god. hmmm....
Friday, December 02, 2005
i went to pick up my cousin, her husband and their kids (my nephews) from the airport on tuesday night. they flew down from austalia to attend my cousin's wedding which is taking place tomorrow. i keep thinking about those kids...jesse, joash and josiah. they're so lovable and adorable and so full of colour and character! i wish i could spend some time with them...
i was thinking about photographs last night. i don't know why. and then it occured to me my account online was going to be deleted soon and i had better save all my photos. and i started thinking about the ones that i really cherished, which made me think about the photos i took at the childcare centre. i started thinking about those photos and each of the little kids there. i realised that it's been more than a year but i still miss them. each of them was so unique and crazy and i just loved them! and i started thinking about jade. the way she said hi to me in the mornings, the long lunches (i loved those lunches), her smallness, her imagination, the way she put the stickers on her forehead, the way she skipped, her big eyes, her dreaminess, her sensitivity, the way she hugged me on the last day after i put on her shoes for her and just before she ran off to her schoolbus...
i also thought about eden. the seemingly uncontrollable crazy lil boy whom i later found out could be calmed down by reading him storybooks. it all happened when i told jade to promise me she would finish her lunch quickly if i read her a storybook. and little eden started bringing me books from the shelf to read to him as well. and he would actually sit still and watch me and listen to me, his eyes all lit up, as i sat there and read stories. more and more kids started bringing books to me to read to them. it got a bit tiring. but it was nice. what's funny is they never got bored of the stories and always brought the same ones and would react as excitedly to them each time. it was amazing!
i thought about keefe and daniel, the two most difficult kids, who ended up being each other's companion. always fighting, and always playing together, and always fighting because of it. one was overfed, the other just had to get his way all the time. but they were sweet in their own ways.
i thought about sarah and her "o"-shaped mouth and her loudness and missing teeth. the poor girl, she never really meant to hurt anyone but she always got into trouble, like a little miss calamity jane. her grandpa would come and fetch her and her brother home everyday.
little danette was quiet but sweet. she always listened to me and did her work well. we loved fixing puzzles together after everyone had left and her brother liked to come in and show off but he was cute too.
josita was dreamy and blur and did crazy, random things which sometimes resulted in a mess.
there was also tristan, the mini big boss with the really cute, crackling voice. he had a very shy smile but he was like one of the regulars and the leader of the pack.
there was weiling, the quiet, shy and scared little girl. i remember her smile because it was so rare and it really brightened up her face and mine.
zylia was sometimes like a grown-up woman and sometimes like her 3-year-old self. when she cried, it was really quite deafening but other than that, she was really sweet and dependable.
ryan and his sister looked alike. when they smiled, their eyes disappeared. all the teachers loved ryan because he was so sweet and loony and his voice was one of a kind.
i remember the rides i got from eileen (my godma) to work each morning and how i'd run to the busstop every morning because i always woke up at the last minute. and the walk out to the gardens busstop after work, bumping into occasional friends or going to ntuc or something like that. i can't remember what i did for the rest of the day each day though.
i think i must've used "cute" a bajillion times in this post. don't know whether i missed out any kids. but these were mostly the kids i taught and worked with.
i still haven't started my revision for tomorrow's exam! research methods in social science. god bless me!
leaving for india in a few days. i hope merrill remembers to pass me his slr. i want to take my own pictures when i'm there. i don't really like being the video cam girl, it's so stressful! haha. i only like being the video cam girl when i make people do crazy things so i can film short crazy clips and laugh at them later. photos are different. there's just something magical about a photograph.
i spent some time talking to god last night (thanks for the contact, jeevan) and i found him really annoying. but addictive. haha. talk to him at your own risk. he can be quite sarcastic.
must. focus. FOCUS! (not the slr, my revision lar, haha.)
i was thinking about photographs last night. i don't know why. and then it occured to me my account online was going to be deleted soon and i had better save all my photos. and i started thinking about the ones that i really cherished, which made me think about the photos i took at the childcare centre. i started thinking about those photos and each of the little kids there. i realised that it's been more than a year but i still miss them. each of them was so unique and crazy and i just loved them! and i started thinking about jade. the way she said hi to me in the mornings, the long lunches (i loved those lunches), her smallness, her imagination, the way she put the stickers on her forehead, the way she skipped, her big eyes, her dreaminess, her sensitivity, the way she hugged me on the last day after i put on her shoes for her and just before she ran off to her schoolbus...
i also thought about eden. the seemingly uncontrollable crazy lil boy whom i later found out could be calmed down by reading him storybooks. it all happened when i told jade to promise me she would finish her lunch quickly if i read her a storybook. and little eden started bringing me books from the shelf to read to him as well. and he would actually sit still and watch me and listen to me, his eyes all lit up, as i sat there and read stories. more and more kids started bringing books to me to read to them. it got a bit tiring. but it was nice. what's funny is they never got bored of the stories and always brought the same ones and would react as excitedly to them each time. it was amazing!
i thought about keefe and daniel, the two most difficult kids, who ended up being each other's companion. always fighting, and always playing together, and always fighting because of it. one was overfed, the other just had to get his way all the time. but they were sweet in their own ways.
i thought about sarah and her "o"-shaped mouth and her loudness and missing teeth. the poor girl, she never really meant to hurt anyone but she always got into trouble, like a little miss calamity jane. her grandpa would come and fetch her and her brother home everyday.
little danette was quiet but sweet. she always listened to me and did her work well. we loved fixing puzzles together after everyone had left and her brother liked to come in and show off but he was cute too.
josita was dreamy and blur and did crazy, random things which sometimes resulted in a mess.
there was also tristan, the mini big boss with the really cute, crackling voice. he had a very shy smile but he was like one of the regulars and the leader of the pack.
there was weiling, the quiet, shy and scared little girl. i remember her smile because it was so rare and it really brightened up her face and mine.
zylia was sometimes like a grown-up woman and sometimes like her 3-year-old self. when she cried, it was really quite deafening but other than that, she was really sweet and dependable.
ryan and his sister looked alike. when they smiled, their eyes disappeared. all the teachers loved ryan because he was so sweet and loony and his voice was one of a kind.
i remember the rides i got from eileen (my godma) to work each morning and how i'd run to the busstop every morning because i always woke up at the last minute. and the walk out to the gardens busstop after work, bumping into occasional friends or going to ntuc or something like that. i can't remember what i did for the rest of the day each day though.
i think i must've used "cute" a bajillion times in this post. don't know whether i missed out any kids. but these were mostly the kids i taught and worked with.
i still haven't started my revision for tomorrow's exam! research methods in social science. god bless me!
leaving for india in a few days. i hope merrill remembers to pass me his slr. i want to take my own pictures when i'm there. i don't really like being the video cam girl, it's so stressful! haha. i only like being the video cam girl when i make people do crazy things so i can film short crazy clips and laugh at them later. photos are different. there's just something magical about a photograph.
i spent some time talking to god last night (thanks for the contact, jeevan) and i found him really annoying. but addictive. haha. talk to him at your own risk. he can be quite sarcastic.
must. focus. FOCUS! (not the slr, my revision lar, haha.)