i am so tired i can run forever.

i don't know what else to say. sometimes, this blog itself challenges me.

it's not just you, my friend.

believe me. sometimes, i too wish i could just strap each and everyone of you to a chair and gag your mouths so that the only thing you all can do is to just shut up and listen. for once. i guess i could but i guess i can't. well, at least, here, noone can shout or snap at me before i finish (or sometimes, even start) saying what i want, hang up the phone after a flurry of angry words (which you can't do here for obvious reasons) or tear up my letter because there is none to tear. yea, yea, there are other ways but i can't have everything, right?

but hey, this isn't about me. i don't want to tell you how it's affecting me. i really don't care about that. i just want you all to see what you are doing to each other. i want you all to stop blaming, stop shouting, stop the threats, stop hurting each other, stop cursing, stop taking all your issues out on everyone else, stop living in the past which is irrelevant, stop victimising yourselves, stop attacking...just stop it! just shut up and listen for once and you'll realise how STUPID AND WORTHLESS all this is.

it's tiring and draining. absorbing it, trying to diffuse it, trying to stay afloat when the whole ship is sinking. in the past, i used to just surrender immediately and say it's beyond hope but not now. because there's always hope. no, i won't give in now. i won't give in to becoming THAT. there are a million and one things i'd rather do right now (believe me, i REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY want to be selfish so much that it hurts). but i am not doing them because i want to be here. for US. because this is NOT worthless.

it's not all that bad. there have been so many good times. not everything was done out of spite or anger. many things were done out of pure love and kindness. but why, oh why, are we only looking at the darkness? THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE IN DARKNESS. that's why it looks like there's nothing here and that's why we think we're as good as dead.

i am willing to fight for us all and i have hope that we will be better. we have to try at least. no, we must! please don't let me do this alone. you know i'll break.