i'm not one who usually has the habit of regretting. like most things in life, i think regrets are just made up of stories we repeat to ourselves when we are not complete with something. and as i said before, i think incompleteness is also a state of a mind, and well, just a story too.

i don't know why i'm talking about this. i think it's because i'm trying not to regret. i don't know whether what happened was my fault. but i did remind him about what would happen. i did ask him many times whether he had told them. and every time, he said he had. when he said there was no reply, i knew something was not right. i don't know what further interrogation would have done so i just took his word for it though i really didn't. i don't know whether it was fear which stopped me. but once i stopped, i knew what was coming. and it came. perhaps, that is why i feel as though i'm on the verge of regret. should i have said something more? should i have made the phonecall which i didn't make? should i have let it go so easily? i know i wasn't the one who lied or the one who defied. but i feel like i am because i feel a sense of inauthenticity inside, having taken the easy way out. so yes, i am also one who has lied and defied by betraying what i knew had to be said and done. i don't know how much of this is just a story i spun but there are so many things i'm wishing. like...if only he didn't do what he did. if only i did what i should have done. but all these if only's are useless. and whatever happened, happened. and what is, just is. but this uneasy feeling inside bugs me. why?

today is the first anniversary of the tsunami that hit us the year before. as we go on with our lives today, and every other day, let us not forget that the victims of life's tsunamis, each and every one of us. let us always remind each other of goodness and hope so that we may never lose sight and regain our footing should these tsunamis sweep us off our feet and cause destruction in our lives. also, let it be a reminder to us to avoid making one of the biggest mistakes man has made throughout the centuries and milleniums, not living as though every second might be our last.

not everything was unpleasant today (sunday). i enjoyed reading my cards and it felt good celebrating with my relatives and friends. i really couldn't help but love them and keep smiling within. even when i kept getting nagged about not getting enough sleep and waking up late or about going out late. even when i got told off and vented upon for someone else's actions. i just can't help but feel that there is so much to be thankful for. not just so much, but everything in fact! well, i can only say it's all good.

i know there is still room for transformation. i know there are areas in my life where i am not complete with. i know a certain restlessness stirs within from time to time. i know there are people i should do more for. i know there are promises i have yet to fulfil. i know there are forms i have to fill in and places i have to go to. i know there are albums i should be recording and events i should be planning for. i know there is so much i still don't know or doubt. but i also know that it will be alright and all i have to do is keep walking and never lose sight and i know that if i do this, then sure enough, i will reach.

inhale. exhale.