can we ever really be free?
there is always something we're yearning for
love, happiness, a friend, a chocolate, a great figure, revenge, to feel....
we're so tied down by the shackles of desire and sometimes maybe greed.
there is always something left to be yearned for.
to be free is to want nothing.
for nothing can keep you captive no more.

"he who wants nothing is invincible."
(valuable quote from the corniest mexiCAN movie ever, Once Upon A Time In Mexico)
he is free.

but i can't imagine a life like that.
what we yearn for makes up the essence of who we are.
so maybe i don't want to be COMPLETELY and UTTERLY free.
so there'll always be something to look forward to.

freedom,how sweet the sound.
but it would mean absolute contentment.
and do i want that?
i really don't know...

"the seaweed is always greener, on somebody else's lake."

results. we got them back yesterday. a sordid affair. so emotionally traumatising. before you can get over the trauma from one paper, another is thrown at you. they gave it ALL back at once.

"190!"

"here! what the..hey how much is this upon? oh my good..."

"190!"

"yes yes here! physics paper 3 shit have to go for the stupid saturday reme.."

"190!"

that was how it was like. (my index no is 190). hands shaking, eyes unblinking, heart thumping at 100 beats per second ready to jump out of my mouth...i was so totally overwhelmed i did not know which paper to start with first.

i really don't know what to make of these results. because i have never studied so hard in my life. i think. and i have to start thinking (should have started long ago) what the hell i'm supposed to do with my life. where....? what....? which...?

but i know that at the end of the day, this is all nothing. it will all fade away one day. that night, as i closed my eyes, the question was asked. "who do YOU say i am?" and at once, all i saw was darkness except a glimmer of light in the midst of it. only one thing will remain. YOU are everything. all others will cease to exist one day and fade into the blackness of nothingness. all except YOU, the everlasting.

so all you who feel despondent and discouraged cos of the results, dont be. it's nothing. nothing! why work so hard for it then? well, my reason is because we're already here. what's the point of trying then? if we'll reach the same end anyway? hey, what's the point of NOT trying?

i wouldn't trade it for anything.

a holiday really does wonders for the mind, body and soul.

if you're feeling so utterly tired of life right now, if you're feeling as though you just need a break from the shit-hole you're living in, if you're feeling jaded by your monotonous way of life, it's your whole entire being telling you, "hey, it's time to go for a holiday." a proper one. and nope, i don't mean a permanent one, no.

club med's good. they should pay me. i've turned into a walking club med advertisement! woohoo!

really, there's just too much to say. i'm overwhelmed. come ask me personally if you wanna know more about it. anyway, school's starting soon. until then, not touching no books till monday. just gonna relax a bit, watch some tv, read a book, indulge in some good music...blabla.

it's your life. you can pretty much do just about anything you want with it, no?

He's so amazing. In just 3 days, He can do all that to people. He listens to the smallest cries of distress, even when you think noone's listening or watching. and it doesn't go ignored. it's hard to worry when you know He's always here. He held my hand as i walked through new rough terrains where everyone was none but a stranger. and when He came into the room that night, my eyes did not see Him but my soul knew. and the tears just streamed down. and i knew. why He loves me so much, i still don't know. but thank you for loving me so much.

the words escape me. they do no justice anyway.

***

quick update: i was at a retreat from friday till yesterday. i went tired and with a heavy heart, wondering how i would get through it. i left with a smile on my face and a grin in my heart.

***

i'll be going to clubmed at bintan with sheryl tomorrow. which means that i'll be away from home for 3 days. again...i'm rather excited. but sheryl and i were wondering where to buy pep spray from. and we've been coming up with plans to avoid cuckoo stalkers in case there are any. and we're seriously hoping and praying there are no deranged bombermen there with no better way to dispose of their surplus explosives. my brother keeps insisting we should have gone for a cruise instead. actually i don't mind that too. anyway, hope we'll have a really fine time there. make our 4oo plus buckeroos worth it!!

now, what should i pack??

have you had that feeling, how when you suddenly have so many things to do in your life, that you just don't feel like doing anything at all? or how when there are just so many people you have to meet, that you just don't feel like meeting anyone at all? or how when there's just so much to say, that you just don't feel like saying anything at all?

right now, it's 17 minutes into the new day. today marks a really important day in my life. a turning point. a decision i'm making for myself and which life has made for me. i tell myself it's all for the better, to snap me out of the staleness i've been living in for so long. but am i just kidding myself? am i just consoling myself for something i'm gonna lose? am i gonna lose something important to me because of this? i'm sad and i'm worried because it's not a sure thing. there are so many things i would've loved to have done to put a stop to this anxiety, such unnecessary anxiety. but i fear the regrets that might come thereafter. i'd rather live with the hope that all is not lost than know for sure that it is. but i guess that's the reason why it's all getting stale.

so, today is a turning point. whether i like it or not, i must move on. i must embrace the new day and the new life ahead of me. it's going to be tough. i know it is. even though i tell myself it's no biggie.

i hope an answer may come to me one day, that i'll find it. i hope i'll know what to do about this whole thing. i hope i'll get through this and live to tell it without shedding a tear too many.

Dear God, please help me. Thank you.

(p.s. no, i didn't break up or anything. so that means, i leave you clueless again. =P )