today, no, not today, yesterday, a few hours ago, i was at a dinner which was held at my dad's friend's house. i don't know how but my brothers managed to get out of it, leaving me to do the dirty job of socialising. usually, my brothers and i just bunch up together at these things.

as expected, i went there surrounded by high-flying people who've all made it somewhere or a name for themselves. the children are all smart and confident and so are the children's friends. the adults were all talking about things i had no knowledge about nor was i interested in. so of course, i asked myself, what the hell was i doing there?

small talk scares me. to go through the whole process of repeating over and over again which school i'm in, what courses i'm doing, bla, bla, bla. i know that noone really cares. as long as they can escape the silence. and as i'm standing there, looking around and observing all these people, i realise that everyone is to some degree, awkward as well. i see them trying hard to think of a conversation topic or smiling excessively to make up for the deafening silence or looking at some imaginary person in the distance as though something were caught in their minds. and i thought to myself, how bizarre....

thus, i had come to a conclusion. that everyone was unsure and awkward and wary, some even shy. and that small talk did not interest them one bit. which thus led me to another conclusion. that being yourself and being honest is so important! what do i mean? i mean, we DON'T need to put up pretences and act because everyone is just as afraid.

i'm not saying that small talk is an entirely bad thing. however, i'm saying that we can be as vunerable and open as we can, unashamed of ourselves, when we are meeting new people. because that is the part that matters most. the part you take away with you to keep when you meet that new stranger for those 5 minutes in your life.

well, seems like that "tactic" worked. i didn't leave that party feeling lousy and out of place. i left it after having a good time and laughing and talking about things i love and remember, with people who were once strangers.

u see, we don't have to keep fighting. we don't have to keep proving things. we need to become little children, looking at everything in wonder and awe and trusting wholeheartedly that god knows what he's doing. yes, we're not meant to impress or judge but to wonder and marvel at everything that was the fruit of god's hands. and then, to embrace, accept and love it all.

days like the one before, i love them! they pull me out of my safety havens and broaden my circles and make me step back to admire everything and go "aaah". for a moment, i am falling without a parachute and my mind is racing and i feel as though i could die anytime. then it opens, and i know i will land on stable ground, and i do. the view is breathtaking and the experience fills up my senses and makes me feel so alive and in love!

did i forget to mention what an irrational thing worrying is? it is.

i've been thinking about death alot. not in a bad way though. in fact, it has made me wake up from this so-called sleepwalk through life. the all important question i ask myself all the time these days, "what if i were to die today?" and that puts everything in perspective.

my friends, life is that fragile. the waves just appeared from what seemed like nowhere and engulfed their lives in an instant. thousands of them. i wonder, did any of them know that they were going to breathe their last human breath that day?

if someone hurts you today, or makes you angry or hateful, especially someone you love, and you feel tempted to "make your point" or dwell in your black hole of emotions, just ask yourself, "what if i were to die today?" you'd realise that all this drama doesn't matter. i realised this and i also realised that i don't want to die a bitter and angry person. i want to die letting the people i love know just how much they are loved and how special they are. and thus comes the next all important question, "is it really worth it to be so angry? or miserable?" and it would snap me out of my "misery mode" and remove the blindfolds from my eyes.

so what does this mean? it means that we have to overcome fear, pride, vanity, even laziness. if you feel the urge to tell your mom just how beautiful she is but feel too afraid to let down that guard, ask yourself, "what if i died today?" and your ego wouldn't seem so important anymore.

it all boils down, again, to love, my friends. all that lasts and all that glitters, even until the last moment of this life, is love. i know that there is a time and season for everything. but i also know that love transcends all boundaries, be it time or space. it's human to fear, to feel angry and sad, to be jealous, but it's human to love too. and what a beautiful thing that is. so gentle and strong, it overcomes all, even death.

remember how we used to be told when young that honesty is the best policy? well, it really is no matter how scary and painful the truth is. a simple piece of knowledge can just change one's life forever, so it had better be true. how would you like to live your life knowing it was based on a lie? would true happiness be true if it was based on a lie? always search from the truth from all angles...

the truth really does set us free, from what i've learnt...

what on earth is she talking about today????

my finger is stained blue from holding the pilot pen too long without even realising it was leaking. after an 11hr plane ride, watching 4 movies and sampling many albums without catching 40, much less, a wink, i'm finally back home.

except that though it feels familiar and i know i'm home, i feel like a stranger. there's a nervousness i'm trying hard to shake off and i can't find the pieces to pick up from where i left them, like i was never even there. italy was beautiful. it was gorgeous and i couldn't ask for more. but at times, i longed for the familiar. and clung to the memories with a tinge of hope. i'm nervous now because i'm afraid that the memories are all i have and will remain as such. just memories.

like a new kid entering her new schoolbus on the way to her new school for the first time. but only this time, she kinda knows what to expect and so the excitement is partly replaced by fear.

i once met a marine biologist who travelled far and travelled wide and i envied her. i told her so and i told her about my dreams of travel and how my job would include lots of it in the future. and she had a distant look about her. she said that it was hard in a way because you never really get close with anyone. you make lots of friends, true...but they're all just fleeting moments. it only serves to amplify one's loneliness, especially at home.

ok, ok, sounds like i'm over-reacting. i haven't been away for even a month. i'm nervous and i'm just afraid of being disappointed and forgotten. i'm afraid of being disconnected. i want to run out and love everyone but at the same time, why am i suddenly so afraid of people?

the idealist in me believes this, though. that connections may take years to be formed but a moment is all it takes for some and can last an eternity. it's something deeper than our intellect and we will recognise it when it's there. and not even the oceans or the mountains or the stars in between will break it. it won't matter how far apart we are. the idealist in me believes in many beautiful ideals and believes they can all possibly exist. some people call them dreams. i believe it is a reality about to happen. the problem is, most of them seem to just remain as "realities about to happen." hope keeps me believing that i'm not kidding myself and reminds me to be patient. faith gives me such hope. take away my faith and i am nothing.

before i flew off to italy, i remember taking a nap one day. and i had a strange dream. i remember at one point, i had heard a familiar voice echoing in my house, ascending towards my room. i recognised it before i saw who it belonged to. in my dreams, i had opened my eyes and at my bedside was my little nephew from australia and i remember being in shock because noone told me they would be here.

surprise, surprise. i was in my room just now. my brother knocks on my door to tell me my cousin and her children are here( from australia). i don't believe him and as i walk downstairs, i hear the familiar laughter and i see my lil nephew ascending the stairs and as he reaches me, he starts showing off his new watch he got on the plane to me. they didn't even tell us they were coming! my, my, my dreams have taken on a prophetic quality about them.

i recognise this fear in me and accept it. now i must let it go. i must come to realise that every moment is new and unique and sacred and detach it from my past. i must be courageous and go forth into the world. i cannot let fear tie me down and suffocate all this love in me. take away my vanity and pride till only love remains. let it shine, let it shine....

i am here and the time is now.

ok today is the day for finishing unfinished business. it is the day for tying loose ends. it is not the day for prcrastination. and that is why i'm typing an entry today.

i'm flying off to italy in almost exactly 12 hours time and i feel like (as i've already mentioned to some people) it's my last day here on earth. i met a friend a few months ago. we were having lunch together, a bunch of us and i don't really know her very well. over lunch, we were exchanging really lame jokes and she wanted a list of them so i promised i would email her the list. it's been months and i haven't done so. but today, i got down to it and started. problem is, i can't remember the jokes! i can only remember one, my own...goes something like...

Why do cemeteries have fences????
Ans: Because people are just dying to get in.
Hair hair hair.

also, i met a missionary a few months ago too. she gave me her email and sent me an sms when she went back to new zealand. i promised i would email her and it's been months! and today, i finally did! (pat, pat on my back) i only met her once; i hope she still remembers me!

and well, another mail was due for quite a while too to another dear friend who knows who he is. and that's been done too. i do enjoy our email exchanges! =)

what else? what else? oh yes, playing my last game of tennis before i leave, visiting shivikaka in hospital (shivikaka, do take care! hope u'll be home soon to read this!!), going for my last weekday mass before i leave...blablabla.
(sorry to those who've heard/read this already!)

ok spending too much time on one unfinished business leaves less time for finishing another. so i have to end this entry...soon.

anyway, know how we always hear about how we should live everyday as though it was our last day here on earth? the reality of it just seems stronger today. not that i've ben diagnosed with a fatal disease or anything. for goodness sake, i'm just going on holiday for 12 days. but it feels good to know you did all you could while you could.

have a lovely day! ;)