what on earth is she talking about today????

my finger is stained blue from holding the pilot pen too long without even realising it was leaking. after an 11hr plane ride, watching 4 movies and sampling many albums without catching 40, much less, a wink, i'm finally back home.

except that though it feels familiar and i know i'm home, i feel like a stranger. there's a nervousness i'm trying hard to shake off and i can't find the pieces to pick up from where i left them, like i was never even there. italy was beautiful. it was gorgeous and i couldn't ask for more. but at times, i longed for the familiar. and clung to the memories with a tinge of hope. i'm nervous now because i'm afraid that the memories are all i have and will remain as such. just memories.

like a new kid entering her new schoolbus on the way to her new school for the first time. but only this time, she kinda knows what to expect and so the excitement is partly replaced by fear.

i once met a marine biologist who travelled far and travelled wide and i envied her. i told her so and i told her about my dreams of travel and how my job would include lots of it in the future. and she had a distant look about her. she said that it was hard in a way because you never really get close with anyone. you make lots of friends, true...but they're all just fleeting moments. it only serves to amplify one's loneliness, especially at home.

ok, ok, sounds like i'm over-reacting. i haven't been away for even a month. i'm nervous and i'm just afraid of being disappointed and forgotten. i'm afraid of being disconnected. i want to run out and love everyone but at the same time, why am i suddenly so afraid of people?

the idealist in me believes this, though. that connections may take years to be formed but a moment is all it takes for some and can last an eternity. it's something deeper than our intellect and we will recognise it when it's there. and not even the oceans or the mountains or the stars in between will break it. it won't matter how far apart we are. the idealist in me believes in many beautiful ideals and believes they can all possibly exist. some people call them dreams. i believe it is a reality about to happen. the problem is, most of them seem to just remain as "realities about to happen." hope keeps me believing that i'm not kidding myself and reminds me to be patient. faith gives me such hope. take away my faith and i am nothing.

before i flew off to italy, i remember taking a nap one day. and i had a strange dream. i remember at one point, i had heard a familiar voice echoing in my house, ascending towards my room. i recognised it before i saw who it belonged to. in my dreams, i had opened my eyes and at my bedside was my little nephew from australia and i remember being in shock because noone told me they would be here.

surprise, surprise. i was in my room just now. my brother knocks on my door to tell me my cousin and her children are here( from australia). i don't believe him and as i walk downstairs, i hear the familiar laughter and i see my lil nephew ascending the stairs and as he reaches me, he starts showing off his new watch he got on the plane to me. they didn't even tell us they were coming! my, my, my dreams have taken on a prophetic quality about them.

i recognise this fear in me and accept it. now i must let it go. i must come to realise that every moment is new and unique and sacred and detach it from my past. i must be courageous and go forth into the world. i cannot let fear tie me down and suffocate all this love in me. take away my vanity and pride till only love remains. let it shine, let it shine....

i am here and the time is now.