"A black hole is a massive but unseen celestial object that has such an intense gravitational pull that nothing - not even light - can escape from it."

one of the reasons why they fascinate me so much. and each time i read about black holes and the likes, i can't help but feel that the solar system is merely us personified to a more dramatic and exagerated extent. it seems that there are certain laws of the universe in which everything tends towards, be it the stars, mealworms or human beans. (i used to call human beings that when i was younger cos that's how it sounded like to me then and i didn't know how it was spelt anyway. the revelation of its true spelling and prenunciation was astounding to me and i used to feel much smarter than everyone else when i said it right. i felt as though i were an enlightened being who knew the actual truth, that it was human BEING and not human BEAN. and the other stupid kids did not. oh well.)

anyway, i'm at work now. skiving. as the guy opposite just said i was doing. and i can't really argue about that. but i've finished all my work. i'm bored. so i'm resorting to reading the papers online. something tells me i'll be a very up-to-date person if i stay here long enough. i like reading the news and knowing what goes on around the world, ahuh. but, sometimes, it's such a hassle flipping through those bulky papers with all the pages spilling out half the time, for me at least. so i'd rather watch cartoons on nickelodean instead, or stone. (disclaimer: i am not an airhead bimbo). then, i end up not reading the papers. and this can go on for days. one who meets me during those periods might think i just came back from a holiday from the stone ages, assuming there were no newspapers and internet then. ok, i may be exagerating but i've all the time in the world to spout all the crap i want to. so, give yourself a pat on the back for me from me if you're still reading by the end of this entry.

it's funny. for the average person, the longer you live, the more friends you will be sure to make because the more people you will be sure to meet. so why is it that the older we get, the less friends we have? huh? ok, maybe it's because as we get older, we have less time for friends and friends have less time for us. what better things could we possibly have to do???? ah yes, work. like that's a much better thing to do. (i'm not talking about the "as you grow older you'll know who is your friend and actually realise that you only had 2 friends all along" thing) i feel that ever since my friends and i started working, life isn't so sweet. ok, anyone can tell you that. but, what i mean is, it's not the work that i dislike. it's the fact that my life has been changed to one that i don't feel very satisfied with, like i've lost something. like something's missing. or that i'm missing something. i feel so far away from everyone. i know that being me, it's not something to rejoice about. but somehow, i don't feel lonely or depressed. which is quite surprising. however, in a way, i feel much closer to myself. i feel that maybe that's a good thing. but another part of me says, "so what? you're still alone and that's the fact." i wish i could shut that part of my mind up because i'm finally beginning to feel much at ease with myself when i'm with myself.

i'm aiming to get into a good university. apparently to create more options for my future. but, nowadays i wonder whether i'll actually be happy anywhere. will i actually be happy finally doing the things i love? or will i just get sick of it and try to run away like i seem to do for so many other things in my life? and where do i run away to anyway? i guess i already know the answer is that wherever i am and whatever i do is not temporary, which prepares me for the fact that i might forever be running. but i don't think i like harbouring the thought of having to run my whole life, and never really finding THE place.

i know that i'll ultimately reach that place someday ( i hope and pray) whether i run or walk or even crawl. but in the meantime....
you know what i mean?

it's funny. after such a long break from friends, i'm afraid to face them again. i know i should be excited and happy to. but i'm afraid. probably because i dread knowing how far apart we actually are and where i stand in their lives. i just don't want to see my fears spelled out in reality. that's why i want to know whether there really is goodness in hope. if my idea of hope is the right one. lets not even talk about expectations.

ok, i've decided to stop here. so now, you can give yourself that pat. well done!

i got the day off today. cos i'll be sitting for my basic theory driving test at night. so well, i did what i miss doing. sat down infront of the tv, with the newspapers infront of me and channel-switched till i found the right channel.

first, i was captivated by egypt and her middle-eastern counterparts on globe trekker on the travel discovery channel. then, i switched to cinemax and my eyes were transfixed. the acting wasn't superb, at times, even bad. if you ask me. not that i can do a better job. even the storyline was getting a bit cliched/far-fetched, however you see it. but i still couldn't change the channel. i was watching the movie "PUmpkin" and for some reason, i found myself so immersed in it. believe it or not, i even cried. it was different in a way. in a rather tame and mild way, it spoke about conformity, about how systems are built to make some people feel better than others, about those of us who pretend to rebel or grumble all day and yet still choose to conform, and about those who conform, psychoing themselves in to thinking it's the way, to avoid complications. and i cried because of the hopelessness i felt for the protagonist when she tried to change the world around her but was herself run over. of course, as i said, it wasn't a great movie, but it held an important message, at least, for me. i know i'm not actually saying what it was. but lets just say, sometimes watching a movie is more of an experience than anything. and rather than talk about it too much, sometimes i just wanna say a few brief words about it and let the rest of it dwell in me.

anyway, there were a few nice songs in the movie but i liked the last song the best! it's a very simple song.

"The Bees in the Trees" performed by Jonny Corralitos.

ok, better recap stuff for the test. later!

i know i'm being cruel. but i fear that if i grow soft and let my guard down, things will never change. i just don't know if it's worth it.

so what do you think of this?

"i came up with a new game show idea recently. it's called, "The Old Show". you get 3 old guys with loaded guns on stage. they look back at their lives, see who they were, what they accomplished, how close they came to realising their dreams. the winner is the one who doesn't blow his brains out. he gets a refrigerator." - Chuck Barris, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

is hope really a good thing?

the more i go through life, the less i believe in the goodness of hope. or have i distorted my idea of what hope really is?

i took my dog for a walk just now. he charged towards the gate of a house, to confront a german shepherd twice his size barking its head on the other side of it. in the process, i twisted my ankle. but i was just too nonchalant and numb to bother giving him a piece of my mind.

life throws shit at me nowadays. and i just take it.

i'm just too bored and fed up to do anything about it. after a while, it's all the same and i get used to it.

i know i'll change my mind about what i'm saying now later or tomorrow. cos life isn't as bad as it appears in these words.
but life, in my state of mind, seems to be so.

if only we could all embrace life just as it is, and not how it looks through our filtered lenses. but emotions get in the way...all the time. and we can't wish them away. we need them to experience life.

i never thought i'd say this but...ah, whatever...

i don't have much time left to sleep. and i'm feeling really tired. so this is gonna be short. i don't know about sweet.

first day of work today. it's so strange sitting infront of a desk the whole day. surrounded by people doing the same. it appears like a very ordinary normal human thing to do. but to me, it's just plain strange.

and i miss bumming! i never hated it. it's funny how i was so envious of them who had jobs. but i can't complain now because i made this choice because i felt i had to. but it just seems so....stupid. i have no better word. or range of vocabulary. which is also true.

the only unfun thing about bumming now is that there are very few bummers left. and i have just reduced the bumforce. i'm sorry!

another strange day at work doing strange human things tomorrow. i might be coming down with the peter pan syndrome. hmmmm....