"A black hole is a massive but unseen celestial object that has such an intense gravitational pull that nothing - not even light - can escape from it."

one of the reasons why they fascinate me so much. and each time i read about black holes and the likes, i can't help but feel that the solar system is merely us personified to a more dramatic and exagerated extent. it seems that there are certain laws of the universe in which everything tends towards, be it the stars, mealworms or human beans. (i used to call human beings that when i was younger cos that's how it sounded like to me then and i didn't know how it was spelt anyway. the revelation of its true spelling and prenunciation was astounding to me and i used to feel much smarter than everyone else when i said it right. i felt as though i were an enlightened being who knew the actual truth, that it was human BEING and not human BEAN. and the other stupid kids did not. oh well.)

anyway, i'm at work now. skiving. as the guy opposite just said i was doing. and i can't really argue about that. but i've finished all my work. i'm bored. so i'm resorting to reading the papers online. something tells me i'll be a very up-to-date person if i stay here long enough. i like reading the news and knowing what goes on around the world, ahuh. but, sometimes, it's such a hassle flipping through those bulky papers with all the pages spilling out half the time, for me at least. so i'd rather watch cartoons on nickelodean instead, or stone. (disclaimer: i am not an airhead bimbo). then, i end up not reading the papers. and this can go on for days. one who meets me during those periods might think i just came back from a holiday from the stone ages, assuming there were no newspapers and internet then. ok, i may be exagerating but i've all the time in the world to spout all the crap i want to. so, give yourself a pat on the back for me from me if you're still reading by the end of this entry.

it's funny. for the average person, the longer you live, the more friends you will be sure to make because the more people you will be sure to meet. so why is it that the older we get, the less friends we have? huh? ok, maybe it's because as we get older, we have less time for friends and friends have less time for us. what better things could we possibly have to do???? ah yes, work. like that's a much better thing to do. (i'm not talking about the "as you grow older you'll know who is your friend and actually realise that you only had 2 friends all along" thing) i feel that ever since my friends and i started working, life isn't so sweet. ok, anyone can tell you that. but, what i mean is, it's not the work that i dislike. it's the fact that my life has been changed to one that i don't feel very satisfied with, like i've lost something. like something's missing. or that i'm missing something. i feel so far away from everyone. i know that being me, it's not something to rejoice about. but somehow, i don't feel lonely or depressed. which is quite surprising. however, in a way, i feel much closer to myself. i feel that maybe that's a good thing. but another part of me says, "so what? you're still alone and that's the fact." i wish i could shut that part of my mind up because i'm finally beginning to feel much at ease with myself when i'm with myself.

i'm aiming to get into a good university. apparently to create more options for my future. but, nowadays i wonder whether i'll actually be happy anywhere. will i actually be happy finally doing the things i love? or will i just get sick of it and try to run away like i seem to do for so many other things in my life? and where do i run away to anyway? i guess i already know the answer is that wherever i am and whatever i do is not temporary, which prepares me for the fact that i might forever be running. but i don't think i like harbouring the thought of having to run my whole life, and never really finding THE place.

i know that i'll ultimately reach that place someday ( i hope and pray) whether i run or walk or even crawl. but in the meantime....
you know what i mean?

it's funny. after such a long break from friends, i'm afraid to face them again. i know i should be excited and happy to. but i'm afraid. probably because i dread knowing how far apart we actually are and where i stand in their lives. i just don't want to see my fears spelled out in reality. that's why i want to know whether there really is goodness in hope. if my idea of hope is the right one. lets not even talk about expectations.

ok, i've decided to stop here. so now, you can give yourself that pat. well done!