sometimes, when i look deep in your eyes, i swear i can see your soul

you have to listen to this song by James. papa put the cd in the car and everytime i drive it these days, i play it on repeat. each time i listen to it, i fall in love with it more. and it doesn't help that it's been raining like mad too. and listening to it while driving in the rain and smiling through the tears, it just makes my heart burst. BURST!

and i love how they are all standing so upright and firm and strumming their guitars with a mission in their eyes.

p.s. you really have to listen to it!



There's a storm outside, and the gap between crack and thunder
Crack and thunder, is closing in, is closing in
The rain floods gutters, and makes a great sound on the concrete
On a flat roof, there's a boy leaning against the wall of rain
Aerial held high, calling "come on thunder, come on thunder"

Sometimes, when I look deep in your eyes, I swear I can see your soul
Sometimes, when I look deep in your eyes, I swear I can see your soul

It's a monsoon, and the rain lifts lids off cars
Spinning buses like toys, stripping them to chrome
Across the bay, the waves are turning into something else
Picking up fishing boats and spewing them on the shore

The boy is hit, lit up against the sky, like a sign, like a neon sign
And he crumples, drops into the gutter, cut strings, legs twitching
The flood swells his clothes and delivers him on, delivers him on

Sometimes, when I look deep in your eyes, I swear I can see your soul
Sometimes, when I look deep in your eyes, I swear I can see your soul

There's four new colors in the rainbow
An old man's taking polaroids
But all he captures is endless rain, endless rain, endless rain.
He says listen, takes my head and puts my ear to his
And I swear I can hear the sea

Somtimes, when I look in your eyes I can see your soul
(I can reach your soul)
(I can touch your soul)
Sometimes

- Sometimes by James

raw

i wonder, no. i know, that i seem to place a lot of importance in pleasing people. it's pretty funny, and maybe even pretty insane.

like take for instance, i was at this retreat from monday to wednesday at the canossian spirituality centre where i happened to pick up a few books from the library about dying. and some other books not about dying as well. took the whole stack and sat outside my room along the balcony/corridor facing the bukit batok nature reserve. the australian priest who stays there comes along as his office is nearby my chosen spot. he asks what book i'm reading and i tell him, "life after death" by raymond moody and he says something about how we should be reading books about and focusing on this life first and it's my response to this that perplexes me. i look like i'm there talking with evelyn and cheryl anne and we've gone on to other subjects and are laughing about other things and the priest has already gone into into his office but in my mind, i'm still stuck on the same one subject. "what's wrong with this book i'm reading? what's wrong with me? does the priest think i'm not very wise? i hate that he thinks i'm foolish. i hate that maybe i've been foolish all this while. i don't want to be foolish. i don't want him to think i'm foolish. i want him to think i'm special. i want him to like me. blablabla."

and then i started thinking, how nonsensical these thoughts are. firstly, i'm shireen. secondly, i'm interested in this dying thing, in those spectacular, intense, scary, beautiful, unpredictable moments separating one life from another and, so what? thirdly, why do i care so much about what this priest thinks about me? i am who i am and i love who i was made to be.

take another example for instance. i was leading praise and worship for session today and i was pretty nervous. i know i prepared and i prayed and i reflected. i know that what i typed out on those pieces of paper was real and genuine and not just plain fluff. then it was time to start. i stood there, looked around at the faces of my friends as i was sharing, praying, leading, and i would see what i thought was a blank face and i'd start thinking about what this person is thinking. "oh, why is she so long-winded? can she just get to the song already? i want to sit down. ok, good try leading, shireen. at least, she tried." and then i'd start thinking, "oh man, am i really lousy at this? do they think all i said is fluff? maybe it is. who i am kidding? it probably is. blablabla."

and then now i think about it. and it's just plain rubbish again. these thoughts. how sad it is that i discount my own experiences and identity because of the fear that others may not like or agree with me. these thoughts get so loud and in-my-face i sometimes get bored and nervous about the sound of my own voice when i'm talking to others.

see, it's not the priest. i have nothing against him. i rather like him, he could be santa if he had a long white beard and snowy locks. it's not my friends who just happened to look the way they do. it's just that i've been like this as far as i can remember. i want to please people. i want people to like me, to say good things about me....but ultimately, it's because i want to know i'm not wrong, that i didn't make the wrong choices, that i'm a good person, that i'm lovable. like, i have to be a certain way to be lovable, to prove to you that i'm lovable. which is just crazy because i know i'm a good person. i know who i am. i know i love who god has made me to be, just the way i am. i know this. and yet, why do i need to prove it to anyone?

i guess i'm beginning to understand why. i grew up like this. i don't blame anyone. but i somehow learnt that to avoid being blamed and hated and shunned and misjudged by the people closest to me, i had to make myself liked by them. because i paid a price when i was disapproved of. i found myself feeling guilty and disgusted with myself when i was disapproved of. maybe it was their words, maybe it was my need to feel loved and accepted, maybe it was their insecurities, maybe it was my need to prove to them i was a good person and they could trust and depend on me, that i wasn't the monster they said i was, that i didn't deserve to be called and labeled all the things they called and labeled me as, maybe i just wanted them not to give up on believing in life and its goodness. alot of maybes. i bent over backwards and bit my lip so many times for it. it ate me up inside. i could handle it though. i was strong. i trusted and believed. i loved.

but these days, every little sign of disapproval or disagreement or lack of interest in me seems to get me feeling edgy and worried, like i failed something. and i'm not so nice about it anymore. i don't just take it in anymore like i used to. initially, i still might, but then i hate patronising people and i hate living in a bubble of untruth. i want to make people pay for it, to show them that they made me feel this way, to make them feel the same way i feel, or just to assure me that i'm still loved. or i just believe what they say about me and fall deeper into my doubts about myself. i'm short on love and high on impatience and anxiety. i'm slow to love but fast to get angry and upset. i show everything opposite of what paul says about love in corinthians. impatient, rude, angry, jealous, insecure, keeps account of wrongdoings, you name it, you got it.

that's not all. i start to feel i've failed and not done my duty as a good person when i see all this suffering around me and can't do anything about it or don't know how to. i feel so disappointed in myself, i feel i don't have a right to be so happy, all these things. it all somehow links with all the misery i inflicted upon myself when others inflicted their own misery on me. i felt i didn't have a right to be so happy then. that if they were miserable, then i should be too. maybe all this, this whole post, it all sounds crazy. but i don't think i'm alone in having thoughts like these. i think we all have them, some of us, more, and some, not so much.

well not every uneasy feeling is bad. sometimes, restlessness is a sign that one needs to be spurred to take action about something important. but i won't talk about that now though some of the uneasiness i feel now is about that too. and some of the uneasiness i feel now also has to do with a whole lot of other stuff as well. but i'll probably never get round to sleeping and just end up with a very bad headache if i try to think it ALL out now...

well, at least now i can put a finger on it more clearly. i don't think i'm spiralling into a black-hole just yet. actually, i think i have been in one for some time (don't need to be surprised, most people never show it). but i guess i'm kinda trying to make my way out and i'm aware i am/was(?) in one. i think i've pretty much become a baby again, in loving, in believing. but i still love, and i still believe. i think i've fallen many steps behind but i know it's not the end, it's not everything and i know it's time to humble myself and take those baby steps. i feel like i am starting from the beginning all over again and progress is slow, oh how i stumble and fall again and again. how i throw my tantrums and become a lump of hopelessness (i'm sorry and thank you for your patience). but i am taking those baby steps determinedly, with thanks and praise in my heart. baby hope, baby faith. but still hope and faith nonetheless. don't let me let go.

last year, i was working in the same project group with a girl who had cancer. we weren't close at all and i only got to know her because we had to work together and she was in my class for that course. after a while, she started missing classes more and we had to take on some of her project parts, but she never failed to do up her parts and send them to us. she always dressed up and put on make up and she was pretty vocal in class, asking, answering question after question, and this was one girl class participation points wouldn't really have mattered to. she passed away some time this year or last, i no longer recall.

but i suddenly thought about her today and remembered that her msn contact is still on my contact list. how many months days hours has it been since she signed in for the last time? i thought about her and i wondered about her last months days hours since the doctors told her she was going to die. i wondered about the way she received love from her parents friends boyfriend. i wondered about how she loved them. her boyfriend. i wondered about her boyfriend and how he must have really loved her and the pains and the aches they both felt in those last months hours days which nothing could ever alleviate and how they wouldn't trade it for anything because it meant more months hours days seconds nanoseconds with each other. i wondered about how each waking hour appeared to her knowing she was going to die so soon. i wondered at the immensity of the ordeal she would have gone through and how that separated her from us, mere, ordinary students concerned with internships careers success magna cum laudes and how we would never know what it was to be her or her boyfriend or her parents or her brother or sister if she had any, well at least, for most of us. i smiled as i saw her msn nick a cute abbreviation for her name followed by "aka daddy's little girl" and i wondered about that. it's funny, we leave this world but when we do, we leave EVERYTHING behind, even our msn nicknames. traces of our existence strewn across the lives of others, people we met once, people we knew our whole lives, people we never met at all. i also wondered about the rest of my contacts on my contact list, some of whom whose identities now elude me. no, it's not an obsession with the morbid and yes, most of them are probably around my age but seriously, are all those people still alive? and i wonder about random blogs, facebook friendster whatever profiles we come across randomly, and it's just possible that perhaps some of those random ones you come across belong to people who aren't in this world any longer. i don't have a summary a conclusion or a point i'm trying to well, point out. but doesn't all this just make you...wonder?

there was this thing we did in queenstown called river surfing. you hang on to this board, try to latch on to the downstream current of the whitewater river and off you go! river surfing was pretty challenging for me. i don't know why but i felt paralysed in the flippers and kept getting sucked back into eddy currents. it was so hard to join the main flow of the river. and when i actually did, i would be cruising along just fine like a pro all the way until the guides made us catch an eddy current to wait for the rest. i hated those parts, catching those eddy currents. because 1. it was so hard for me to enter them 2. it was so hard for me to exit from them. by the end of the day, every muscle in my body had gotten a good beating and stayed that way for days.

coming home feels a bit like river surfing. the river is flowing as it should, as it always has been. and you are just thrown back into its flow. and it's a struggle entering into that main flow again. those eddy currents that pull you away. those eddy currents which don't let you come back. you're stuck between those eddy currents and the main flow and it's an agonising state of limbo as you watch your peers cruise by like pros. you try to kick harder but you're kicking wrongly and being pulled back even more.

see, when we look forward to coming home, we most often visualise images from the past and take comfort in them, looking forward to experiencing those moments again. and when we get back, we get a rude shock sometimes. because things change, people change, everything changes. and we find the real picture is vastly different from those we held in memories.

i was hoping for so much. i was holding out for so much.

as i always say, oh. well.

today's song is dire strait's "so far away". i love it! the starting bassline, the way the chorus comes in, the deep vocals, the instrumentals, the lyrics. it has this really classic, carefree, bittersweet feeling and like new order songs, brings me back to sunday afternoon drives. papa always plays these cds and the music resonates through the speakers straight into my heart. and when i called home just now, he told me that he had another version of eleanor rigby which he would let me hear soon and was listening to currently. i wonder just how many versions there are. i was looking for it on youtube and heard all sorts of versions ranging from pop rock to jazz to heavy metal and techno. amazing.

my last few days in dunedin, today will be my second last and i'll spend it with pravin who'll be touching down in dunedin in approximately 12 hours or so. can't believe it. my life in singapore is like a whole other world and it'll be so strange to have someone cross over from that world into this one. it'll be strange to see him walking the streets of dunedin, sitting in my car, staying in backpackers together. it just feels like it's been forever since i was here and yet, i will be home in about a week or so.

shanny and i were just reflecting today sometime in the middle of our bimbo tai tai escapade (hey it's possible alright!) today that we might be thinking right now about how we wish we had done so many things earlier or more often or both. but we agreed that it was not really about that. the fact is, things always feel different in the last few moments. every moment takes on a different, more brilliant hue. there's a sense of urgency, revelation, intensity, a certain burst of energy and life, and no matter how many times you've touched the mimosas and watch them close as you stroll on the fields on your way home, no matter how many times you've held the hand of the one you love, no matter how many times you've sat at the same spot staring out of your window at the cars and the trees and the clouds and the people each day, these moments will still feel different when you become aware that those moments may be one of the last ones you'll have.

we were also thinking about how the most intense and extreme experiences are necessary in order for life to progress. we might be mothers one day and we might have to experience labour and the pains of childbirth to bring another life into the world some day. i can't imagine it and yet, it's universal. everyone will have to die one day, and what is more extreme than death in this life? just think about it, as insane and intense as these experiences may seem, everyone must and will go through them. you can choose to skydive, you can choose to bungy, but you can't choose to not die, which is way scarier and more thrilling than any other activity you can conjure. and no coward or hero can ever run away from that.

i know i keep getting all emo and blogging about goodbyes and the last moments and life and death. it's just that these moments inspire me the most, they awaken something in me, they teach me so much more, they put music in my heart and paint all sorts of colours i've never seen before but continually fall in love with. and i want to share this with whoever i can. grab hold of these moments, think about the awesomeness and fragility of this beautiful transient existence and what a miracle each day, each breath is. no matter how boring you feel your life is, no matter how sad an existence you think you lead, no matter how hopeless your future may seem, no matter how mundane your days have been, look beyond it all, be thankful for each and every moment you are presently in. (i really believe that a joyful heart is one that is sincerely thankful.) and love like there's no tomorrow. love like your heart is on your fire and you could just explode from it.

well, i haven't been updating much recently and i doubt i might in the near future since i'll be leaving dunedin this sunday for good, after which i will be roadtripping with pravin and shanny. and soon, i'll be back home. people keep asking me, am i sad to leave? i have this to say. i'm happy i was here. i'm happy i'm here. i'm happy i'll be home soon. i don't wish anything different from what is given to me now. in fact, i'm grateful and i trust even more that i don't have to wish things to be different at all, ever, simply because i know that i'm always given what's best for me. love always wants the best for us. and i trust completely in that love. and if i ever forget, which i so often do, please be patient with me and remind me. shake me up and pinch me silly if you have to, just don't ever let me forget.

all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

the beatle's eleanor rigby has been playing on repeat in my head. i wake up in the morning, walk to school for my pricing exam and i'm singing, "all the lonely people, where do they all belong?" i'm walking around after my paper, waiting to pass henry back his book, i'm singing, " all the lonely people, where do they all belong?" i come home, watch the notebook, clean my car and take a nap. and in my sleep i'm singing, "all the lonely people..yadda yadda.." and then i'm on the way to church and i'm still singing it and so it goes. then after supper at a jap bar after a night of jazz at robert burns, we are about to walk to the car. but i hear a bassline which i can't resist and follow the music as though it has cast an invisible spell on me. a band all dressed in black is playing outside lemon room at the octagon in the crisp, cool, midnight air. the old fogeys here dressed in black leather jackets and jeans holding beer bottles and cigarettes in their hands are a world apart from the old fogeys at robert burns which make you feel like you've just entered a scene from the notebook plus (quite) a couple of years later. up till the next moment, the song is perfect but unrecognisable. i sit on a bench and listen as the lead sings the last few lines of the song which brought me there, "all the lonely people, where do they all belong?"

continuities

nothing is ever really lost, or can be lost,
no birth, identity, form--no object of the world.
nor life, nor force, nor any visible thing;
appearance must not foil, nor shifted sphere confuse thy brain.
ample are time and space--ample the fields of nature.
the body, sluggish, aged, cold--the embers left from earlier fires,
the light in the eye grown dim, shall duly flame again;
the sun now low in the west rises for mornings and for noons continual;
to frozen clods ever the spring's invisible law returns,
with grass and flowers and summer fruits and corn.

- walt whitman

everything's been squashed into such a short span of time i almost forgot about toroa's farewell dinner and horse-riding! but fortunately (or unfortunately, because it means another long draggy post), i remembered to attend them. for those not in the know, toroa international house is the residential college where i'm living in over here. i will still be here for another half a month (crap, that's FAST) but we had the farewell now because exams were starting soon, after which, everyone would be gone in their own time. the dinner was yummy albeit too much bready stuff. like the toroa ball, it was photos galore seriously. if you ask me, i would really like to just sit down, enjoy the food and have pretty decent conversations with people i've known and yet to know. however...there's really no point sitting down at your table. everyone is helter-skelter taking photos with everyone and anyone and the food's taking so long to come anyway. so ended up with a whole bunch of photos with a whole bunch of people and i think it wouldn't have made a difference if i super-imposed by face on every one of them. but it's all good i would say. who knows when i'll ever seen these people again?? how transient this life over here is. like the one in jersey last year. in those moments, everything is as real as real gets. but when it's all over, as cliched as it sounds, it feels like a distant dream from another life. yet, there will be those little reminders popping up every once in a while, telling you it was real, telling you never to forget how beautiful life can be and has yet to show itself to be.

and yes, as the picture below states, for old time's sake, the infamous paparazzi shots series...
the following day saw a bunch of us riding horses along deborah bay in dunedin. we had signed up for the hare hill horse treks, hoping it would satiate our lord of the rings fetish. however, it was not as fast-paced and exciting, though relaxing and refreshing nonetheless.

the night before, i was telling shanny how i couldn't wait to meet my horse. and rightly so, because horse-riding isn't just getting onto any horse and riding it just like that. it's about forming a relationship with the horse as well. the experiences with the horses that day reinforced my conviction that animals are so much like humans, with their own idiosyncrasies and habits and expressions. or maybe it's the other way round. i mean, you know how we transfer all our weight onto one leg when we stand sometimes, and kinda lift the other leg so it's toes are only touching the ground? yeap, the horses were doing that. and they would make these funny noises from time to time to clear their throats. and they would nudge you with their noses when they want their face to be scratched. they loved being stroked. some like it on their face or necks. some love being stroked on their bums. and each of the horses have such unique characters as well.

summer was really the cutest if you ask me. she was the smallest horse and of course, went to bavani. they made such a lovely pair, just look at that picture above! summer even had her own hairband, so sweet! my horse was anna, and she was the daughter of gavin's horse, shannon, and the youngest one in the whole lot. she liked banging into other horse's butts and using her head to nudge the owner who got so angry with her after a while. sometimes, she would follow really smartly. sometimes, she got a bit cranky. when all the other horses were busy gorging on grass, she would just stare out into the bay, as though she were in her own world, dreaming. but who knows right?

dias' horse was really funny. from the beginning, dias knew he had found his match. all the other horses were obeying instructions and obediently walked down the slope. dias' horse parted with the rest of us, wandered over to a patch of grass and suddenly walked down a flight of stairs infront of the whole group. everyone was puzzled and deeply amused. this horse, like dias, had to take the road less travelled. snow, that's the name, was one really hungry horse. he couldn't stop eating, while walking, and of course, while resting. at one point of time, during the break, we were given some fruit to feed the horses. snow was busy munching on grass and when the fruit was brought near its mouth, with his mouth still full of grass to the extent that it was sticking out and overflowing from its mouth, it still gobbled up the fruit and went back to munching and munching and munching. reminds me of reno! haha.

speaking of reno, i met a dog there named tigger. just like all the other animals on that farm, he had his own character too. while i was stroking him, he would roll over onto its back with a smile, waiting for me to tickle him. reminded me of reno. he was a very alert dog. when something was coming along the driveway, he would immediately get into alert mode and run to the gate to investigate the situation. if not, he would be smiling and walking from person to person to share his joy and simplicity of being with them.

after all that, attempted to study because my first paper is in two day's time on thursday. 23-24 chapters of abnormal psychology to fit into my meager brain. however, in between, we managed to squeeze out some time for a pot luck and it was nice that everyone managed to attend and everyone actually cooked something! everything tasted really good. sadly, the cake i baked kinda sunk. i have to practice more. need to prove myself when i get back! haha. but look at the amount of food! we actually managed to finished most, if not all. we had shepherd's pie (eugene), pork ribs (leonard), mustard chicken (shanny), baked spinach with cheese (gavin), minced beef and vege stew (dias), fried rice (bavani), pizza and wedges (johnson) and tim tam cappucino chocolate butter cake (shireen).

here's a group shot of us.

during the potluck, i got a phone call from news 93.8 in singapore! haha, it wasn't a surprise. melt set me up for it because she works there now doing her own talk show! anyway, her colleague on edutalk was interviewing singaporean students on exchange and in overseas universities and was looking for people to speak on the show. it was a conference call between the host, jeremy, and another exchange student from SMU, jesse james (who is in mexico, where i really would've loved to go if they had non-business courses offered), and me. it was really nice listening to jesse's experiences, he really speaks well. i think i must have sounded like a rich spoilt kid next to him! haha. anyway, if you're interested, it's on thursday morning and night, 910am and 910pm respectively. and on saturday, 8 something in the morning, i forgot. thanks melt, for giving me my virgin experience of being on air! in accordance with shanny, some part of me will be in singapore even though i'm really here. amazing, isn't it? if you really think about it.

i wanted to say so many things though. like i was sharing with johnson, it's hard. it's hard to give an answer just like that when you're asked point blank "what did you gain?", "what were the highlights?", etc, etc. because the list is endless, believe me. before this, i hardly cook at home, i don't even clean my own bathroom at home or do my own laundry. i don't do chores every weekend, like cleaning the kitchen or vacuuming. i'm doing groceries and accounts as well. i've never pumped petrol on my own at the petrol station. c'mon, i've never been in charge of my own car even. i've tried so many new things without a blink of hesitation which i'll never regret but won't list out now. and oh yea, this is the first time, i've come to a place all alone. i mean, morey's was similar but i had friends beforehand who were there with me and i don't think we did that much chores and it was just different, though a great experience nonetheless. yea, the list is endless. and the thing is, i feel like i'm where i should be because though i never really expected or anticipated most of the things that have come my way throughout this whole experience, they feel like the most normal things in the world to me, like i was ready for them anyway.

then, there were all those things i saw, things i felt, things that inspired me. just stepping out of the laundry room, looking at the green hills beyond, fills me with something good. can you imagine the rest of it all? i could've said so much, but i didn't. especially the most important things. i wanted to thank my parents, my family and all the people who have been supporting me, over here, back in singapore, from all the different parts of the world, but i didn't either. (i wanted to advertise for my car also haha.)

really, each experience is so unique. you have these 4 months, 5 months, so what are you gonna do with it?

oh, oh, there was an earthquake last night. i was sitting on my bed and studying and then felt the whole bed vibrating! i thought i must've been shivering but i was pretty warm and cosy. then i saw the standing light shaking and the water in the water-bottle on my table moving from side to side, like in jurassic park, when the t-rex was approaching. it was so cool! then it stopped. apparently there were 5 after-shocks after that but i was too deep in sleep to notice. mansi did and i asked her why she didn't tell me (c'mon, singapore is so flat and we're never in the thick of action) and she said she wanted to scream and she was so scared the floor would crack open! haha, mansi, mansi! and she was so appalled when i kept saying how cool it was we were experiencing this and she said, "cool? we are going to die!!" faint.

the earth is just so alive here! and johnson thinks it's us leaving a trail of doom and gloom wherever we go. we went to north island, near mount raupehu, and 2 weeks or so later, it erupted. we went to milford sound 2 weekends ago and the earthquake was reported to have occurred 60km off milford sound. johnson predicts that after we go to the glaciers, they'll crack open. let's hope otherwise.

here's a sneak peak at some part of my room. i love beds by the window and i always go for window seats, unless it's too hard to the toilet. and yea, i use 2 thick blankets and it does the trick so yea. my new study spot is on the bed against that pillow against the wall.


and a short reflection before i end. i was sitting in church on sunday, and i was suddenly thinking about my room at home. i had got it refurnished and repainted before i left. i was imagining the day i would be spending time in it again, sleeping on my new bed, playing my keyboard or guitars, staring out of the window from my bed, taking my shower with the new shower head, looking into my cupboard to find clothes to wear. and while i was over here, that room was still waiting for me and there were people preparing it for me. like the contractor who fixed my bathroom shower holder or aunty and the cleaning lady who dusted in once in a while. and people who occasionally slept in there from time to time in the wake of my absence would know it was mine. my period in dunedin was only temporary and i would be going back to that room soon and i just had to find my way home again. and it struck me it was a clear reflection of this life. this whole life on earth, is just one really long roadtrip, longer for some, shorter for others. we travel by different means, through our own unique routes, staying in different places, for some of us, maybe a villa, for some of us, maybe a crowded backpackers. some of us meet new people, grow to love them, but then have to leave them because our routes just diverge. some of us, meet new people, grow to love them, and find that our routes converge till we finally reach home. some of us have experienced more earlier on in our journey than others, and we have to be thankful for this, rather than angry at those who can't and won't understand; they have their own lessons to learn, just as you still have more to come. some of us haven't experienced the same things others have, and we have to be thankful for this, not bitter that we "weren't as lucky," in our own words. ultimately, when we've done and seen and felt and tasted and whatever all that we set out for, we find our way back...home.

i was talking to a friend online and told him that now i had done pretty much everything i wanted to do, i could die happy now. then, i immediately retracted that statement. because no, going home and being with my family and loved ones is also part of this whole travelling thing. just like i know for certain (though nothing is certain), that there is a room definitely waiting for me back in my earthly father's mansion, there is one waiting for me in my heavenly father's mansion and it is being prepared lovingly in the anticipation of my homecoming. and that itself is a clear reminder of where we come from and where we belong.

"there are many rooms in my father's house, and i am going to prepare a place for you. i would not tell you this if it were not so. and after i go and prepare a place for you, i will come back and take you to myself, so that you will be where i am. you know the way that leads to the place where i am going." - john 14:2-4

johnson the rat's been warning me to update because he's on the verge of drowning the waterbaby. take a chill pill, shireen's been busy!! she blames it on the super-addictive 24 (please don't watch it if you have a life). but she also blames it on her rushing assignments, cooking to fill her perpetually-growling tummy, planning trips as travelling ranks high in priority, chatting because she misses you and you and you, watching a drunk guy try to pick up eugene and dias at the oldest bar in dunedin and oh yea, driving to queenstown to bungy and river-sledge, braving all sorts of climates to pay homage to the incredible milford sound and getting lost in the hugest maze in the world and lying down on benches and boardwalks and rocks against the backdrop of mountains and blue skies under a thin ozone layer where the sun turned her into crisp at wanaka amongst many other things. so give her a break will ya???

(but anyway, there's always shanny's blog!)

it was quite a mad rush as we were leaving for queenstown because i was watching as much of 24 as i could to the last second before we had to leave and i had to go fetch everyone. i'm feeling so lazy i don't feel like posting up every single detail of the trip. so...i'll just talk about a few things.

thursday, 4th oct 2007: dunedin - queenstown

we left for queenstown on thursday evening. in my car were johnson and bavani, the two littles sickies, while shanny and gavin tagged along in dias' car. the drive there was really beautiful and the dark clouds added to the darkly mysterious ambience that enshrouded the route. somehow, the grey skies make the grass greener and the mountains and rocks a bolder grey. there is a certain stillness in the car but you know out there, everything is subject to the whims and fancies of nature. and if i can put a finger on it, that's what i love about new zealand, amongst many other things. people make way for nature. we have to build around it, walk around it, drive around it. those mountains and hills that have existed for thousands of years, the temperamental weather, the raging white waters, the unpredictable and forceful avalanches, the volcanoes who choose to wake from their slumber whenever they feel like...you know what i mean. and i think it's really commendable how kiwis take extra good care of these treasures and try their best to preserve them.

after 4 to 5 hours of driving with a pit-stop at alexandra in between where we had a nice outdoor dinner by the river, we arrived at pinewood lodge in queenstown where we immediately set off from to end up at minus 5, a bar made out of ice. i'm not kidding. everything in the bar was made out of ice except the floor. the seats, the tables, the sculptures, the bar, the glasses. i ordered some peachy thing with vodka served in an ice-glass and it tasted soooo good! it's just funny how we put on these coats, got ushered into the bar (just the 6 of uss and our very own bartender), took alot of photos, tried to dance to some music, crashed our glasses into a bin (that's how we were told to dispose of them) and were out in half an hour. something really strange about that.

i was really tired, having slept at 5am the day before (or rather, the same day, don't ask why) and yet i couldn't recover my sleep debt properly (the story of my sleeping-life for the days to come) because, lets just say, i'm a light sleeper and it takes time for me to knock out.


friday, 5th oct 2007: queenstown - milford sound - queenstown

next morning (friday), we headed off to milford sound, johnson, bavani, shanny and me. the sky looked alright in queenstown but a while later in the midst of our journey, these looming dark clouds greeted us and refused to take a hike, taking a piss on us from time to time. can't say i complained much though. 1. i'm used to getting assaulted by all sorts of weather in just two layers of clothing by now. 2. it made everything alternate between looking like we were in narnia and the lost world and middle earth. at times, it snowed, at times it rained. one moment, we're beside a lake in te anau with moutain ranges as the backdrop. and another, we're on the plains of mosburn where the winds are so strong the branches of trees are perpetually pointed in one direction. and if we're not in those places, we are somewhere in the middle of jungles that make you feel not far from the amazon or between snow-covered fjords with (countless!!) waterfalls trickling down the sides of the steep and unbelievably huge mountains (the expanse is breath-taking i'm not exagerating, it makes you feel sooooo small and overwhelmed, just how i like it) and the threat of avalanches being very real. our guide, big D (i told him i'd remember him as the guide with the best music selection to which he replied that was a really long name), had to stop the coach from time to time to fit on chains and then take them off because the temperamental weather kept changing (i think the weather is like a guy with andropause). being in new zealand is your geography classroom expanded to a billion times its size and talk about hands-on, the world is your lab. you can be a doctor, a farmer, a barber, a housewife, a porn star, but you can't not learn something here and be amazed. you are a part of it and maybe, even at mercy to it. earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, tsunamis, hail, snow storms...the threats are real and can happen anytime because the earth is so alive here, and because of that, more beautiful than ever. how is it that every corner you turn, in the remotest of areas, in your own backyard, that may be the mountains, lakes, sea cliffs, you find a surprise always waiting for you? a part of this earth, a part of life you've never seen before? and even more astounding is the fact that while you only just discovered it, it has been there for generations after generations. your life is just a mere speck compared to its own. and if you find yourself silent in its presence, rightly so you should be as you venerate creation and the creator who makes himself known through it.

if you think i'm meandering from the post, well, meandering is part of the plan here when i travel. the meandering which brings inspiration, thrills the spirit and makes the heart sing, cry, laugh, rage and soar. now, lets meander back to milford sound.

we had to kill one hour at milford sound(what will we do without google and wiki? seriously.) as our ferry was delayed. i was so bored i read every exhibit and looked at every picture at the visitor centre. we had a nice view while waiting though. you never run out of fantastic treats for the eyes over here. because of the dark weather, there were countless of waterfalls once again. after gulping my roll down hungrily, i ventured to the top open-air deck, braving the wind and the occasional rain. i love to stand on the decks of ships, especially in slightly rocky waters; it makes me feel like i'm on an adventure (if you ask me, most of the adventures are in my head but this is how i make my own fun haha). i found a spot for one right in the middle at the front of the ship which even had a space for me to sit and planted myself there for almost the rest of the ride, greeting each new waterfall and cliff and valley head-on. i took countless of photos to capture the moments but looking back, they all look the same but don't feel quite the same. there was a bunch of american tourists hovering near me and they were saying the most ridiculous things which made me laugh ("and on your right is fall 6281" or "and from here on, that fall will be called, 'bob-the-pain-in-the-ass falls'"), but also made me wish that i was on a kayak alone paddling through this misty, mysterious fjord. actually, ever since the day i saw the scene of the man kayaking in milford sound alone on lonely planet months ago, that has been one of my dreams; to do the same. i wonder whether i ever will get that chance to.

another endearing thing about this fjord is that you can find penguins, seals and even dolphins here. the weather was bad though but i think i caught a glimpse of a baby seal or baby dolphin, i will never know.

towards the end, the ferry neared a waterfall on the way back. and we insisted on going as near as possible to it, sacrificing our cameras, our minimal layers of clothing and for some of us, our already poor health to photo-whore. we ended up with a bunch of really misty, wet photos with really drenched and cold people as the subjects.

we slept almost all the way back to queenstown and were welcomed home by a really heartening meal cooked by dias and gavin, god bless you guys!! i remember bursting through the doors, shouting "i love you!!!" to the guys upon seeing the food and then trying to avoid looking at the other guests whose presence i just took notice of after that. cheers to another sleepless night, though i was so tired, i knocked out amidst the uncoordinated symphony at one point.

saturday, 6th oct 2007: queenstown - wanaka

another early start to the day, breakfast more rushed as each day passes, i still don't have the capacity to gulp down hot coffee in a few seconds and with an unwilling heart, emptied the remainder into the sink. dias, johnson and i then proceeded to "the station" to register for our bungy jumps. johnson did the kawarau one alone though i kept trying to persuade him to do the nevis highwire, the highest one in new zealand, with dias and me. he wouldn't budge though, he's a stubborn rat.

the moment we reached the nevis place, i was wondering why the hell i ever signed up. just thinking about it the past few days, weeks was frightening enough, the part between staying and jumping into nothingness. how do you stand on that ledge and keep your eyes open? and then, how do you jump off from it after that, by yourself? we started off by putting on our harnesses and were then carted off in a little cable-car thingy (the scariest one i've ever taken, it's open air which means if u lean too far, u can fall out and that's why we need harnesses to ride in it, and if you move too much in it, it could stop in the middle and it would take alot of effort and according to our guide, $10,000 to come fetch us) to the bungy platform suspended in the middle of two cliffs, 134m over the nevis river below. i can't explain to you the fear i was feeling, just looking down and looking at the ledge i would be jumping off from and looking at the view beyond that ledge. the first person jumped, then the second and everytime they left the ledge, my heart would skip a beat. third person, oh that's me. each penguin step (because of the way our legs were harnessed together) i took to the ledge was accompanied with a rising fear within me. i finally reached it and looked out and was told to look back and smile for some photos (yes, when my feet are at the tip of this ledge, i don't know how i managed to smile even). "1, 2, go!" and i jumped and i screamed like i probably never have, my arms outstretched, my eyes looking forward and suddenly i was going down, down, down and the screaming stopped to give way for silence as the realisation hit me, i did it. and as i bounced around at the bottom, i was smiling to myself like a crazy goon. as they pulled me back up, i just sat on my harness and took a look around, reveling at the fact that i did it, reveling at hanging there alone, reveling at the raindrops falling in slow motion (they really look different from there). and then i was up and when i was able to put my feet onto the platform, i realised my legs were totally shaking. was it because of the cold? was it because of the intensity of the moments before? i don't know. but how apt that during the whole time, there was a full rainbow just infront of us. rainbows are like free here, just like the mountains and the rivers; you don't need to go looking for them.

dias jumped last. you know him, he craves challenge, adventure, thrills, anything that forces him to the extremes. here i am thinking about how i'm ever gonna jump off that ledge and there he is thinking about what to shout on the way down (he decided to shout "yee-ha") and what actions to do (when he jumped of the aukland tower, he looked like a frog swimming in the sky). there were 6 of us that morning, 5 jumpers and 1 spectator. it was a nice, cosy group and everyone was really supportive of each other. we took a photo together to mark this short journey together.


you can watch the video here! i look genuinely afraid and and at one point, i'm walking like a cross between a geisha and a penguin! and turn down your speakers! don't say i didn't warn you.



by the time we got back to queenstown, i was starving (i'm always hungry these days, even now!). johnson recounted to us his amusing bungy experience as we headed to fernburger (he claims he loves me, he as in fernburger la, not johnson the mean rat) where i gobbled down the hugest burger i've ever eaten. tried venison, never really tried it before. tasted quite good, and the thai sweet chilli sauce probably contributed to its yumminess. they called it "sweet bambi". we finally met up with the rest of them who went for a long morning hike to the gondolas and dias, shanny, gavin and i headed off for river-sledging while bavani and johnson went jet-boating.

river-sledging gave me the workout of my life, and we did it twice. i totally sucked i tell you. i just couldn't get the hang of swimming in flippers and ended up looking like a dysfunctional frog most of the time, totally unglam. because of the weird eddy currents and whatever other currents, i kept being sucked away into places i didn't wanna be in and the guides had to keep swimming over to save me. my crazy kicking (dias couldn't understand why i was kicking so hard and fast haha) didn't help either and kept pulling me back instead. i take my hat off to the guides, their fitness level and skills in tackling those currents and saving my life and others at the same time, impeccable. i think i'll never do this again, at least until i know how to swim well with flippers. gavin claims he drank 2 litres of water. dias was like a happy frog. shanny was like a towel in tumble-dry. as i told shanny, this was a day of many firsts for me. bungy, river sledging, drinking hot orange juice (which tasted good surprisingly and helped to warm us down) and going commando style teeheehee. i don't mean to sound kinky but it's become so normal to do everything in public now. pee outdoors, change outdoors, you really get the hang of living it wild here. i love it. and i don't feel so conscious anymore, at least not conscious enough to retard my experiences.

after a quick illegal shower, we headed off for some heavenly hot chocolate. i had the dark chocolate one. someone had lavender, i think dias. i felt like i was drinking aromatherapy. go there if you want to drink delicious water.

random picture in queenstown. no matter how random, there's always a good view to boot! not just the subject in the photo la! focus! haha. ;)

isn't this picture so goondoo?? i love it! good job, bav!!

we finally headed off to wanaka, and by then i was so exhausted. johnson drove and i just relaxed and enjoyed the amazing view on the way and serenaded bav and johnson together with my ipod. it was really an amazing drive there. the good views are just for free. you can pee while looking at them, have a sandwich and look at them, randomly stop somewhere for a drink and you'll still see them. as long as your eyes are open. we finally reached wanaka where we had an amazing dinner at a seafood restaurant. thinking about it now makes me hungry all over again. dias, johnson and i shared the seafood platter for two. it was more than enough and i was a very happy girl. shanny had the most interesting looking dish. a special thank you to johnson and bavani for helping me to locate a church to go for mass the next day. i had the most amazing sleep that night (just us three girls and the amazing sound of silence amidst the pouring rain) albeit a bit too short.

dias' car peeps. shanny, dias, gavin.

my car kakis till wanaka. johnson, shireen, bavani. (johnson, beware!)

sunday, 7th oct 2007: wanaka - dunedin

managed to wake up for mass. in my really tired state, it was still great being there. the eucharist on my left, the lake wanaka and the mountains on my right. met up with the others at i-site and we really had no idea what to do because it was too windy for water activities. we decided to head off first to puzzling world. we started off by going through this giant maze. something about the new zealand sun, it's just too piercing. it doesnt make you sweat but the ozone layer is really thin here, literally. this, coupled with the fact that i was starving, and also coupled with the fact that i was roaming around in that maze for the longest time ( must have walked like hell), i was knackered by the end of it. we proceeded inside for more puzzling discoveries and i was most amazed by the mirrors room where you felt you were falling uphill and the laws of gravity were broken. far from it really, gravity was working just as it should. illusions were as well.

after a really puzzling morning, we headed off for lunch. we chose to sit outside braving wind and sun under perfectly blue skies. i gobbled down my baked potato and bacon and milkshake and we went wandering around, still unsure about what to do. i just knew i wanted to sleep. badly. by then, i was feeling sooooo exhausted and dehydrated. i don't know why. but we ended up taking a looong walk by the lake. whenever we stopped, i promptly sought out a place to take a power nap on. the water looked so shioook i tell you. i wish i could have jumped in, so clear and inviting. i watched a documentary where the host was invited to drink the water straight from lake wanaka because it was sooo clean. i didn't get a chance to though. i didn't wanna drink the water nearer the shore. chicken, chicken. whatever. haha.

after that, because there really wasn't much else to do, shanny and i proceeded back to dunedin while the others headed on to fox glaciers. we didn't make one stop and ended up in dunedin by 745, making a bee-line straight for japanese food at minami where i struggled very hungrily with a very bony fish. i knocked out that night. it was all good. next up, horse-riding, taieri gorge trainride and catlins! but for now, it's back to the books, if the serials don't swallow me up first.

papa, mama, don't worry, i'm finishing my assignments on time and studying! =p jeevan, study hard, you can do it! i know it! aunty, can't wait to eat your mee goreng! pravin, looking forward to our roadtrip as well!! love you guys! =)

=)

waterbaby!

finally woke up in time for farmers market after about 3 months of trying to! reminded me of a church fun-fair where everyone knows everyone and these little tents are set up for the different stalls and you can buy a pork roll and a coffee and sit at a table and have breakfast or walk around and browse the wares or listen to buskers (the coffee shop aunty was clearly showing her irritation with the boy playing the same songs on his trumpter or clarinet (i forget) over and over again (haha can you imagine calling a kiwi a coffeeshop aunty? but she was selling coffee...shrug)).

i didn't buy a single thing to bring home, only stuff to gorge my mouth with on the spot.

and because i woke up so early, i didn't know what to do for the rest of the day. walk? but it was getting cloudy and cold. then i thought about swimming and starting searching the net and decided to head down to the moana swimming complex, mostly because it had waterslides, followed by jacuzzis. waterfalls, rapids, wave pools and whatnot. all restless and agitated and determined not to wait (i'm not gonna wait anymore), i put on my swimming costume and hopped in the car and drove down to the place. it was quite expensive to get the swim and slides package..$9. but i did it anyway! after asking the lady whether i was too big for the slides and getting a negative. woohoo!

the laps pool looked half the length of a normal pool or maybe a bit less, so i told myself that if i didn't finish 40 laps, there'd be no waterslides for me. finally cleared them all and went to get a massage in the jacuzzi before heading off to the slides. fun! despite the fact that water suddenly shoots up through your nose and knocks you out in certain parts of the slide. and despite the fact that there were all these little kids slightly taller than my knee-level scurrying up to the slides and sliding down like 3 at a time.

went to the rapids too. and the wave pool where everyone just bounced ridiculously, riding the waves. and the waterfalls. i was happily sitting under one of the waterfalls and these itchy-finger kids just kept coming every once in a while and adjusting the pressure of my waterfall and turning it on and off. it was quite annoying but then who was i to say anything? i was in their territory!! lol.

on the way back after my swim, saw some pretty interesting places along the route and realised just how much i haven't been discovering. shireen, you have a car! do what you love to do when you have a car! drive! explore! while you can!

my eyes are all red and tired now. swam without goggles. can someone at home reading this please check whether they're still hanging behind my bathroom door?? if not, they must be somewhere in my room in haka.

going for the south pacific christianity conference now at elim. just heard about it half an hour ago from kevin so i'll be heading down with some of them later. don't really know what i'm going for! haha.

enjoying my freedom while i can, hence i'm trying not to keep stagnant too much. out!

i've seen and done some crazy things but i think this takes the cake.

i was taking my shower this morning, sometime near noon i think. i heard a really really loud sound and i thought to myself, wow that's really loud thunder. and after a while, wow, really long thunder and simultaneously, hey there's no thunder in new zealand (i haven't heard thunder once since i arrived) and then, hey why did the thunder cause the cars to horn so crazily?? and why does the horn sound like it was coming from right outside my bathroom?? and then i turned off the shower for a while, and then i thought, i better get out of here! and turned on the shower again to wash off all the soap on me, wrapped myself in a towel and ran out where i saw winnie running towards me telling me a car had crashed. no, not infront of our house, but behind! in that 2m-wide alleyway! we walk to the kitchen window (mind you i'm still dripping wet in a towel) and see these 2 guys (or was it one? i only saw the driver) staring at us from behind their cracked windscreen, airbags all puffed up. they were alright after all that, the airbags saved their lives man!

what are the chances of that happening man?? the car had turned in to the driveway one level above us (the street is sloped), went out of control and spun left towards the fence, crashed into it and plunged down straight outside our kitchen, caught between the wall and our house. i mean, just look at this. yes, the picture is the right way up.



the place started getting crowded and everyone was out in their pyjamas and it felt like a saturday morning. yes, 12pm on a friday and everyone's still in pyjamas with that just-got-out-of-bed-what-the look. soon, the ambulance, fire-engines, police-cars, tow-trucks and reporters were at the scene. everyone had their own version of the story to tell. we all know mine now and how if it had crashed any further, the drivers might have gotten a mini free show of a hysterical girl in a shower! haha.

and then there was mykhail from the flat above who woke up, and then went back to sleep!!

and caesar was on his laptop and felt everything shake and probably thought it was an earthquake.

and the girls in bavani's flat were cooking when they watched open-mouthed as the whole scene unfolded in slow-motion in front of them.

and vani, she was supposed to meet the guys in the car at night n' day (a convenience store outside toroa) and wondered why there were not there yet. she walked back up and imagine her shock when she saw the car in that state! apparently, those guys had been watching cricket till 6am and were damn hero driving around on pure adrenaline since they had no food in their stomach and no sleep to boot!

funny how it said "angel with attitude" below the license plate number! funny how a whole big bunch of indians suddenly turned up at the scene and were making the most noise (the driver was indian).

oh and mansi just came in my room and she was telling me the driver was actually sitting next to us during indian cultural night but i couldn't recognise him because he was in a dhoti and looked like a 50-year-old man that night haha.

we had to be evacuated from our flat when they were towing the car out just in case it came crashing back into our flat again. so, this was some footage taken outside our flat while waiting.



crazy.

day 8 & day 9, 31st august - 1st sep 2007: waitomo to new plymouth to wellington, jump around! jump around!

so the memories are getting more and more dissolved with each day i procrastinate. and i'm not happy i had to bathe in cold water just now! what's up with that!

we started the day with QUADBIKING!! oh my gosh it's so fun! mervin prakash you would love this! again we had to dress up like bob the builder without the wet suits this time oh thank god i would rather have frozen to death than wear those again!

we quadbiked up and down hills, revving especially in the mud puddles. i stopped doing that after some time cos i realised that a hell lot of smoke came out from my bike everytime i did it and i think the mud flew up to my face once!

oh you should have seen the faces of those sheep and cows. a little lamb saw us approaching and started crying hysterically, struggling to get up on its feeble legs. there was this moment where we stopped next to a herd of cows. and you should have seen them, all standing in a line, all in a different colours. but most of all you should have seen their faces. they were staring at us so carefully, negotiating their next move. i purposely revved my engine and approached a little closer and each time i did it, they moved back a few steps, still looking cautiously at the bunch of us. i think animals are so human-like sometimes. reno was. or maybe, it's the other way round huh?

after taking a good bath in the mud, we finally headed off for lunch in the next town and then proceeded on to new plymouth, where you can find the 2518m volcano named mt taranaki. did you know....

...that the last samurai had scenes filmed here because it was found to resemble mt fuji in japan? yes ladies, tom cruise was here. not that i care really. haha.

i think my favourite part about this leg of the journey was the spontaneity that came along with it, though that really was the case for most of the trip. you see, we stopped at some little town for a toilet break and next thing i know, we're all on the see-saws, slides, and whatever our big bums could fit. after laughing alot, as we did throughout the trip, we headed on to new plymouth.

at our holiday park at new plymouth, there was a trampoline. and ladies and gentlemen, nothing compares to the thrill of bouncing on a trampoline and laughing till you could die of it. we were like little kids, bouncing and bouncing and bouncing. we couldn't stop.

but we had to...to catch the sunset. nothing beats that either, watching the last few waking seconds of the sun for the day. just like watching a shooting star, you know you're witnessing the last few seconds of its glorious existence.



the picture at the top of my blog right now was taken at the beach in new plymouth where we went to witness the sunset. we saw people parasailing into the sunset and i thought they were giant kites at first and got so excited i started running to the beach, not without slipping down a hill first. only gavin saw that..haha. gavin (high-pitched voice), where are you??

anyway i got so excited because believe it or not, in my 22 years of existence, i've never flown a kite. attempted once unsuccessfully, just got my slippers stuck in mud. and i really wanted to fly a kite before i left singapore. it was on my list of unfinished business. and then as i was getting serious about it and asking around about where to get kites from, pravin told me that he had just watched a documentary that new zealand was one of the kite-flying capitals of the world. yea right! i haven't seen a kite flown once here since i arrived!!!

so we got back to the holiday park and i just felt that we couldn't waste a second not playing ping pong (it's been a while!!) or bouncing on the trampoline. so while waiting for leonard and gavin (high-pitched voice) to prepare dinner, we played table tennis in KING fashion. i was queen for a while and then we started taking turns haha. reminded me of the times i played with my family. we take king very seriously. this coming from a family who has bowling championships amongst ourselves and trophies to boot! when we got tired, we went off to bounce on the trampoline some more in the dark. we made dias take out all his light gizmos. you should have seen him wearing his headlight and bouncing. totally blinded me and i got so disoriented i kept falling!

next morning, we woke up, we went to bounce somemore. but before everyone came, i managed to get it alone and bounced and bounced and bounced to my heart's content with noone to disrupt my momentum and make my knees buckle and cause me to sink down again! and boy did i jump! and when i got tired i fell again and lay on my back as i watched the clouds whiz by above me, or was it me whizzing by? as i lay there with the wind caressing my face that saturday morning, it was the most perfect feeling in the world. of course, the rest of the kids came along and we had fun too. i wish i could show you the video. it's crazy!! haha.

we had to leave eventually. and after visiting the visitor centre where dias, gavin and i wondered into a theatre with glowing seats which changed colours, we headed off to climb mount taranaki!

yes, yes, sounds impressive but we just did like a 2 hour trek. with alot of uphill oh gosh. we finally reached wherever we were supposed to reach and took some crazy photos and went back down again. haha. i make i sound so exciting right? c'mon, it would have been way more exciting if the volcano was erupting or smoking or something!

after that, it was a long, long drive to wellington. the joke of the day (as usual) was bavani for thinking that we were still somewhere at palmerston north when the signs all around showed we were clearly in wellington. ah, bavani. so anyway, upon checking in, we finally settled at a moroccan restaurant for dinner. i was actually quite insistent on it because the signs outside promised belly-dancing! little did i think WE would be the ones belly-dancing. oh i saw sides of these people i've never seen before. oh gosh. should i be mean and upload all the videos? i shall! cya! don't wanna be ya!

winning a battle, losing a war

Even though I'll never need her,
even though she's only giving me pain,
I'll be on my knees to feed her,
spend a day to make her smile again
Even though I'll never need her,
even though she's only giving me pain
As the world is soft around her,
leaving me with nothing to disdain.

Even though I'm not her minder,
even though she doesn't want me around,
I am on my feet to find her,
to make sure that she is safe and sound.
Even though I'm not her minder,
even though she doesn't want me around,
I am on my feet to find her,
to make sure that she is safe from harm.

The sun sets on the war,
the day breaks and everything is new...

-Kings of Convenience

oh man, what is SHE doing back here again?? ready to feed us more crap??

yes siree! and not because i'm still stuck on my depression report (it's done, complete with cover page and all!! woohoo!!). and not because i have something smart and philosophical to say [hey, i actually might, i always do! ;) [ am very strict about these bracket things thanks to my early math education and am really anal about this]]. rather, it's only just because.. I CAN!!! neninenipoopoo!!

popped by to shanny's blog and she's started talking to herself. popped by to my blog and i found traces of similar conversations with myself. and i'm pretty sure if i popped over to more blogs, i'd find the same pattern. freud would be pleased to see these debates going on between our ids and our superegos on the world wide web in the 21st century, wouldn't you, freud? now i'm talking to a dead psychoanalyst.

i keep watching that OMD video below over and over again. and you should too. the use of colours are amazing! the song itself is beautiful! and i can imagine myself humming that in my mind a few years down the road as i recall the adventures i embarked on when i was younger. but i hope i never reach the stage where i can't bring myself to believe in anything, like how he says he doesn't believe in destiny, love, miracles and truth. for someone who was once walking on the milky way, invincible and iridescent.

speaking of not believing in anything, i just finished a book called, "i'm a believer" by jessica adams, about a guy who didn't believe in anything. it's a strange book, one i picked up as i casually loitered into a second-hand bookshop in kaikoura (aren't 2nd hand bookshops so alluring?). i made the poor old lady at the counter recommend me all sorts of books and churn out synopses from memory and finally settled for the book i laid my eyes on in the first place. isn't that always the case, ladies?

so in this book, this guy's girlfriend dies in a car accident and her spirit starts communicating with him. and suddenly, this guy starts meeting all the different kinds of people he's been avoiding for so long. new age hippies, holy-moly christians, buddhists, psychics. (strangely, almost everything described in the book has happened in my life or around me to people i know!) but seriously, don't be put off by all this. the book isn't about which way is the right way and all that. it's about believing. can you honestly say you know everything? and just because you don't, does that mean you shouldn't believe in anything, not until you know everything? dude, you only have like one lifetime as peter or raja or macy gray or whoever you are. if that's the case, do you think you could get every question answered? and even if you did get every question answered, do you think you would know everything finally? what if there were things you didn't even know you didn't know, where are the questions for those things? what would life be if it were drowned with downright skepticism and cynicism? what would life be without believing, in anything? just wondering, really. i honestly don't know whether it's better believing in something or not believing in anything at all just because it doesn't seem logical. i do know that if i didn't believe in anything, i wouldn't be the shireen i am today. would my life be grey or still as colourful as it is now? would i be a scrooge living in my closet? would i love as dangerously? would i roam as wildly? i don't know really. and it's not like i can try because you can't just throw your faith away like that, especially if it's who you are. what an experiment that would be! i shudder.

yesterday, the hindus were commerating the elephant god, ganesha. and i recalled one such celebration some years back where reports were flying around that the ganesha idols were drinking milk! in india, there was a shortage of milk in many places because people were queuing up at temples to feed it to the ganesha idols. i asked mansi about this yesterday (she's hindu) because she told me that her family would be celebrating back home in india and she would be missing out on all the delicious food. she told me that it really had something to do with the porousness of the idols and some surface tension thing. i searched the net about this and i found these similar explanations. the thing is, most of them probably still believe that ganesha drank the milk and their belief in this would be totally unshakable! then, i was researching about those statues of mary or jesus which were reported to have shed tears or blood. there have been cases where these incidents were a hoax or just a result of some natural process. yet, throngs of people would rush to see them.

i'm not ruling out the fact that miracles don't happen. in fact, i do believe such things are possible. what is amazing about this whole thing though, is a person's immense need to believe in something. even before jesus, even before buddha, people still believed in something. whether it was the greek gods and goddesses or the gods of nature. they still needed to believe in something and believed with all their hearts. now, it's easy for us to sit back here and scoff at their ignorance but, i ask once again, is it really better to believe in nothing? and, so what?

alright, so this is what i'm gonna do. i'm going to finish up the posts for the north island trip and the ski trip which was the week before north island trip. and then, i can get back to the normal, sporadic rants that i so often love to blog. teeheehee.