i'm leaving for thailand in 12 hours and i'll be there for 2 weeks. we're going to khaolak. i've always wanted to experience what it is like to be a construction worker. sometimes when i'm in the car, i'd look outside and see a truckload of workers being crammed in the back of a lorry as they get carted off to work. at first, they all look the same. then i start to examine their faces individually. some are talking animatedly. some are sleeping. but usually, most are staring into space...dreaming maybe. i start to wonder what they must be thinking of. did they expect their lives to be this way? what were they like when they were 7 or 8. were there people who loved them and were waiting for them to come home? sooo many things...

for some time during the next 2 weeks, i'll be taking a pretty short walk in their shoes. every morning, we will be gathered into lorries and brought to our worksites where we will make and lay bricks to build houses. we'll take breaks at mid-day, away from the hot sun or rain, to eat lunch together. and in the evenings, we'll return the same way we came....

i'm feeling quite scared, yet excited at the same time. touchwood, but you really never know when your last goodbye is your last goodbye. life's like that. always moving. was watching a bit of the inaugeration of pope benedict 16th in between cnn, bbc and channel newsasia just now. pretty amusing that just 2 weeks ago, the body of the late pope john paul was being carried away from the same palce where pope benedict 16th was inaugerated today. life's like that.

i'm excited because i don't know what to expect. i have a rough idea but it's just a rough idea. nothing beats being there yourself. i guess it's scary in a way too. but i'm sure it'll be worth it.

anyway, as i type this, i am listening over and over again to moby's temptation from his hotel album. makes everything feel so surreal right now.

"Up, down, turn around; please don't let me hit the ground
Tonight I think I walk alone to find my soul desire to go home"

anyway, before i go, one last thing....i love you! yes, you, who are reading this right now! =)

(p.s. to A, don't know if you still come here. i have not forgotten you. i will mail you when i get back!)

i'm starting to feel a bit better these days, about life, about myself. there are times when i feel so tempted to return to the old life..like when i still hear the same old conversations and do the same old things. at those times, it feels like nothing has changed and i see my thoughts heading towards the self-destructive zones that usually accompanied these moments. but these days, i go, "wait a minute. that's not right.." then i engage the reverse gear before i start getting sucked into that blackhole again. see, i realised that it doesn't matter if the things around me don't change. it's me.

anyway, it's quite a nice saturday morning. what say you? i'm the only human being (maybe not the only soul) on the 3rd floor of this library, plugged into Moby (his new Hotel album is pretty good). it's a wonderful feeling having this whole floor to myself. remember what i said about library cubicles and how they were my favourite places? now i feel like i'm in a gigantic library cubicle! haha.

just now, Moby really got a hold on me and thinking noone was around, i started dancing on my seat because hey, why not? how many people get to dance in a library, right? but when i looked up, i saw the photocopy aunty walk past and she was laughing. so i just smiled back at her and we exchanged some words.

seems i have been finding myself in pretty humorous situations throughout yesterday till today. but those are long stories...but looking back, i guess they make me smile. =)

hello to the guy who just walked in and is sitting diagonally opposite me now! you probably don't know i'm talking to you! anyway, welcome! we have the whole 3rd floor to ourselves! you can dance if you want to...i don't mind. maybe i'll laugh, and maybe i'll join you too!

i think being able to remember is a wonderful thing. when you break up with someone or when someone dies or whatever, i think it's a shame to erase from your mind all the moments before that. even if the ending was not "happily-ever-after", it doesn't matter. we don't live for endings, do we? we live for each and every moment. and it is these moments that define us, define life. each moment is a whole new experience on its own, packaged with emotions and thoughts that are unique to it. they are opportunities to learn and to love and to learn to love.

i wish i could sit here longer and continue to allow my thoughts to flow this way to the atmospheric sounds of moby but alas, i have to tear myself away before the z monster has me for lunch!

ok, mr guy-sitting-diagonally-opposite-shireen(don't worry i don't have a crush on him)...you are free to do whatever you want! the whole floor belongs to you now! have a nice day! =)

ok i really slacked huh? but i think i've slacked in all areas of my life. not sure how it happened but it seems like i allowed myself to spiral into a blackhole.

you often wonder why is it that the people who should not be depressed get depressed. well, i often wonder about that anyway. like why is it that a girl who is constantly showered with compliments and always getting hit on can't stand to look at herself in the mirror because she thinks she's the ugliest thing that ever came into existence. or that guy who's always doing so well in school and is the object of envy of others....why is it that he feels like the world's biggest loser because he can never get the number of A pluses he aims for, an aim that always gets higher when it's met. so that it's always unreachable. i mean, sometimes it seems like these people have everything and are the winners. yet, why are they so sad? what could WE, who are much more of the "losers" than they are, possibly do to help them? shower them with more compliments? tell them how wonderful they are? but we already know that it won't help them. they'll continue to be depressed. they'll continue to always feel that big hole in the middle of them. noone can help them. not us, at least.

well, so i often wondered about these people. perhaps got angry and thought they were attention-seeking. put my own judgements on them. until recently, when i started to turn into one of them, taking a walk in their shoes.

seriously. i think i am quite blessed. i have a big comfortable home and a lovely family i can come home to everyday. we fight sometimes, maybe alot of times, but we're still ok. i am getting a good education in a university where i am not doing too badly. perhaps i have friends who get more As or A+s than me but i'm still doing ok. i have many friends who are concerned for me and include me in their activities and conversations. they really put up with my nonsense. i get compliments from time to time from people.

yet, i've been feeling so blue these past few weeks, or months. but it's been getting so bad these past few weeks. at times, i'd really hate looking at myself or i'd be so afraid to leave the house and go out because i'd be feeling so ugly and insecure, inside AND outside. i'd turn something so small into something so big and beat myself up about it, telling myself that it'd be better if noone sees me. sometimes, i'd wish i was more confident, or prettier. i'd wish i had smoother skin or was more athletic. very silly things. and then knowing that i'm not, i'd feel so lousy and worthless and feel that i'm not worthy of anyone's love. if i get hurt, i wouldn't hold it against the person. i would think that it was because there was something wrong with me. that i lacked something. but then i would tell myself, "hey shireen, how can you think that way? the fact that you're born makes you worthy. you should embrace and accept your uniqueness. you are special. if this is how you think of yourself, then what would you be thinking about other pple who aren't even half as blessed as you? you are sooo blessed, what's wrong with you? what happened to all the love you always preach about??"

then, i'd start feeling worse because of that. because i know i don't have a right to feel so sad and yet feel so sad anyway. i guess i get so sad because it gets so lonely. because i see all these flaws in myself which i wish i could change because i think that people wouldn't be able to stand me if they saw through me. and because i know that is who i am and i get so afraid of being rejected for being merely who i am, i run away all the time. it seems safer to be away from people.

i've been running away alot. when i'm with friends, i'd come up with a really silly excuse and then the moment i'm alone, i'd release my tears as i walk off by myself. because it is so painful and so hard hiding all this in me, holding all this in my heart. it's so hard pretending infront of my friends, my family. and when my friends talk about pretty guys and girls, or about the latest gossip or their future plans, it's so hard to pretend i enjoy these conversations when the content of these conversations only serve to remind me of what a loser i am. or rather, think i am.

basically, it's just this utter feeling of worthlessness. it's a very lonely and low feeling. and what's scary about this state is that it reinforces itself. you literally fall into your own blackhole and you go deeper and deeper. so when you wonder about all these people who have everything and yet feel like they have nothing, you should know that it started from something small which took on a life of its own and became a self-destructing, growing black hole. it always starts from something simple, something small.

as a result of all this, i started becoming so anti-social and self-absorbed, always running and constantly focusing on and picking at my "scabs" all the time. i spoke to my family less. i became very nonchalant about alot of things. i became very selfish. i felt like shit knowing i had become all this and felt so weak and helpless because i didn't want to be this way but was anyway. this was not the shireen i knew or wanted to be. perhaps it was the ghost of a shireen who existed once before. i hated it. and this loathing reinforced my sense of unworthiness. it's a vicious cycle.

and on sunday, as we were having our weekly family session, i told my family to excuse me if i was quiet. that i wasn't angry with them but that i just had to deal with some stuff inside of me and hoped they would understand. when everyone left the room, my mom called me back and asked me what's wrong. i tried to pretend that nothing was but my tears couldn't stand being dammed up any further. and for the first time, i finally told someone how i'd been driving my ownself crazy these past few weeks. it felt so good to release all this but as i heard myself speaking all those words, i realised that i had turned into someone else. someone i never thought i'd be. one of those people i had often wondered about. (as mentioned above).

and the next day, as i took a walk in some neighbourhood in the evening, i started thinking about all that had been going on in me, what i had heard myself telling my mom, all the pretense and finally realising who i really was now...and i decided that it was time to pick myself up. to break this vicious cycle. it felt strange because it meant that i would have to stop beating myself up. yes, that is strange because i've been doing it for so long. it felt strange to love myself and feel good about myself. it felt almost wrong. and you know there's something grossly wrong when you feel that way because of that.

and now, i am determined to get out of this web. i want to be free. and i don't want to hide anymore. i know i can. because i have done it before. there was a time when i was high on life and love. a time when i loved myself and everyone around. a time when i wanted to be so much more. i don't have to be stuck where i am. the only one who has imprisoned me in this darkness and loneliness is myself. dear god, please give me the strength and courage to turn the key and get out of this cage which has been my HOME for so long.

i wanted to put up a post for so long. so many times, i came here, typed a few words, and just couldn't continue. i felt empty of hope to give people. i felt i had nothing to look forward to. i felt tired and jaded. then i would log out. but i hope this entry gives you hope.

if you are someone who has been hiding all these thoughts and insecurities alone inside yourself for so long and feel so trapped and so sad, i hope that this post may give you at least a bit of hope. i hope that it may have been able to convince you that you don't have to be that person you think you are. that person who is always wandering around in the darkness that has become your "home" and your only friend. it is neither a home nor a friend. there is no love there.

i want you to know that the very first step is to be honest with yourself, to stop pretending. even if you are pretending to the world at large, at least stop pretending to yourself first. accept who you are now and what you have become. it may be an ugly sight. it may be shocking. but accept it. then make a decision for yourself. you HAVE the POWER to change. because we have all been given the POWER to make a CHOICE. noone can take that away.

you don't have to hide anymore. you are more beautiful than you think you are.