You are you when you are at peace with who you are not.

it's like teaching an eaglet to fly...then chopping its wings off when it starts to soar freely. and why?

just because it flies far and spends less time in the nest, it doesn't mean it is disinterested in you or loves you less. you taught it to fly the way it does now. the rest of the world and newer skies await it. but they may have to wait forever if you don't let go now.

it's time to.

i know and feel it's a blessing not to be in want of anything. it's one less shackle to tie me down with. i feel so contented with life now because it feels as though i have no commitments or responsibilities. of course i still do. but they don't seem like chores. and i still do dream, big and small. but i just don't seem to be in want. at least nothing too compelling. and this troubles me.

huh?

well, when i'm in want of something, there's something to look forward to, something to hope for, something to get a kick out of, something to dream about..... and when i'm not in want of anything, then what? life somehow seems more boring and the world somehow seems smaller. but when i'm in want, anxiety sets in after a while, then anger and perhaps, depression, assuming i'm still in want and haven't achieved or attained. and i'm troubled that i'm not in want. see how twisted we are? ok, i am?

but what's perplexing is...why am i not in want anyway??? maybe cos i feel that i don't need? or i've psyched myself into thinking i don't need cos i hate the hassle of needing and wanting? so maybe i still do want but i'm suprressing it to save the hassle? and just hoping that it'll all eventually die down? so then, am i really free? or just disillusioning myself?

am i thinking or analysing too much or making this into too much of a big deal for my own good and yours???

i won't ask whether i'm mad though. i already know the answer.

wowee this new blogger setting is rather interesting. it's like moving into a new house and walking around in it for the first time. exciting!

to the lover of my soul, and of yours:

it's just so easy to doubt you. it's even harder to understand why you do the things you do. but i know. and so i can't tear the eyes of my heart away from you anymore. transfixed by this thing called love, the source of all your goodness. transfixed by this whole beautiful divine mystery.

please help me never to lose sight.

i have an ulcer. it is expanding. it is painful. it tastes funny.

i love chocolate. chocolate aggravates ulcers.

i ate too much chocolate.



ouch.

p.s. i'm not drunk.

Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Feathers on my breath

i just watched the movie, beautiful boxer, yesterday. just so happend that a week or two before, i had watched a documentary about transvestites on the national geographic channel. it sent alot of sparks racing through my mind which got me thinking. it got me thinking again about how complicated people are. i can't even begin to understand what's happening in the minds of the above-mentioned group of people. so when others slam them or diss them, i get angry. i really can't take a stand in issues such as these. i can't say whether it is right or wrong and i somehow don't feel that it is in my place to. then as i was praying, i started thinking. whatever i do or think, let it be out of love. as long as i have that beautiful, divine and mysterious connection with god, i know that i will be guided to act out of his amazing love. actions not based on books or words of famous people or teachers, not on mere human judgement, but actions based entirely on the love of god.

i just read the book, the screwtape letters, by c.s. lewis. it's a gem of a book. i borrowed it from my new-found library but i think i shall go buy it cos i'll definitely be refering to it every now and then from now on. you know, i'm one of those who always settles for mediocrity despite my big dreams and idealistic aims and expectations. i get contented too easily and think it's ok to be mediocre as long as i'm somewhere. but you know what? it's not ok. we were meant to become something so much bigger!

i would have had much more to say but talking to too many people has left me with nothing more to blog here today. repetition tends to make the real meaning fade, i find. hmmm...