remembering and forgetting

i don't have to be sad, i don't have to be like you, to feel like i love you, to show you that i love you. there's too much love out there, too much beauty and life and fun, too much awesomeness all around and within me, to be sad for more than an hour or maybe even thirteen minutes. eye-bags aren't that cool anyway and you can't put loose change or breathmints in them even, they serve no purpose other than to remind you that you've spent far too much time ignoring and avoiding total...awesomeness.

there's so much to say, but right now i feel that these things won't really matter for much longer. i cried for maybe sixteen minutes. it was highly necessary, the tears dissolved into a glorious epiphany, that i was wasting all these tears and time crying over...this. then I cooked the best baked alfredo pasta i had ever eaten, cleared the wardrobe which would've swallowed my room up in time, played lots of online poker and had the most refreshing shower ever.

i get so busy healing myself of you that i always forget who loved me first. when i remember, it changes everything and i don't have to be that scared little girl anymore.

resplendent are we

well i can't really say whether my dilemma about mortality in the previous post has been solved but.

there are also these other days like today when i feel a little more courageous, a little more excited to, as they say with the fullness of latin gusto, seize the day. on days like these, i feel that this universe, this world, this life is my oyster or pizza base or whatever and nothing fabulous even has to happen to make me feel this hopeful. these moments surge through me like splendid little shooting stars in the deep and dark blue space of my spirit, little glimpses of eternity and heaven and perfection.

yet, with insufficient sleep and tired eyes, even smiling upon shooting stars can turn into such a chore! the time is near and now, i place my dreams in your hands and take off to sleep. goodnight. :)

these sounds will never leave you, will be there to receive you

some days, every thing in my life seems to be slipping through my fingers like sand and it hurts to hold on to anything and anyone at all. i wrap myself in layers of solitude (so that i won't have to think about how much i love everyone and the eventual end that awaits us all and how someone will have to go through all my or your excessive amount of photos and clothes and that wooden box containing the shell of a soul i cherished and adored making its lonely sojourn into the merciless flames, oh it is all so final) and everything becomes two-dimensional and so, so unreal. i become merely a shell long before it is supposed to happen.  i shiver in my bones from the fear of losing everything.

so, i dive deeper into everything, i give everything, i have numbed my mind, i don't feel loss. i don't feel love too.

and all i really want right now is to be madly in love and fearless, you know?

do you like taylor swift?

do you ever find yourself getting bored by the sound of your own voice and then quickly trying to finish up what you're trying to say because you don't even know what is the point in what you're saying anymore and if you've lost it, what more the listener/s? i think i just lost you there and yet, proved my point.

so....

martin says: (AM 01:19:53)
do u like taylor swift

Shireen says: (AM 01:20:02)hmmm
Shireen says: (AM 01:20:05)ok la
Shireen says: (AM 01:20:12)i mean, neutral (trying to be polite, just in case martin likes her)

martin says: (AM 01:20:16)have u heard of this guy called victor wooten
Shireen says: (AM 01:20:27)no but he has a cool surname
Shireen says: (AM 01:20:37)who's that?

WHO'S THAT??? well, someone less boring than i am! just watch this!


and all done on a bass guitar, mind you.

and then, i found all these! (where have i been???)

one guy, TWO guitars. faint.




two guys, ONE guitar.



as for this next guy, in the words of a youtube user:
"Flagged for making all other youtube videos look like shit."





i apologise in advance if the above videos (and related ones) have reduced your productivity for the day due to you sitting in a shell-shocked state infront of your computer screen, wondering whether those fingers are really fingers and whether you should quit playing the guitar, or even bother learning, if you haven't started yet. :|

p.s.

Shireen says: (AM 01:54:45)and why the hell u ask me abt taylor swift
Shireen says: (AM 01:54:49)then ask me abt wooten???

martin says: (AM 01:55:02)learn pop songs is to bluff girls one

Shireen says: (AM 01:55:14)lol!

martin says: (AM 01:55:16)i wanna see can bluff u or not hahaha

i am the most confusing person you'll ever meet 

if you ever took a walk around my mind, you'd find me there right smack in the middle of the most monumental tug-of-war you'd ever see. maybe then you'd understand how anyone could be so...so quick to hate, then, so much in a hurry to love. so easily angered and moved to tears, then, so impatient to forgive. so hasty to drop everything, then, so eager to pick them up all over again. so, and so. 

but that doesn't matter because you only need to know one thing:

the only side that ever wins is the good one and i never really give up, even when i break down.

my technicolour streaks of lightning amidst a vortex of swirling grey clouds. :)

yes, i actually did it! took the photo above with my e71 and bad room lighting since 2 bulbs have blown and i'm ever the procrastinator! ok shireen, you cannot be blaming the lousy camera or the bad lighting for your shoddy painting skills!
(look, i did say that i'm no picasso, so you were duly warned! and are only allowed to say nice things.)

goodnight!

falling in love with the most unlikely subject

all said and done, i would still choose to be me if i had to live my life all over again. the flipside of those woeful emotions that befall me is an amazing richness and depth in the way i experience beauty, love, joy, faith, magic, peace, passion, life....and i wouldn't trade that for anything (well, hopefully with a little more self-control on the angry-sad-hate side). it's really a package deal, take it or leave it. but just so you know, i love myself, i love being me, and,

i actually don't think there's anything wrong with that.

hey, what's going on?

my mind seems to have taken a vacation this week, alternating between thoughts of running and whether it is a form of laxative and the word "endure" in as many languages as i can think of, aeroplanes and trains, romance, and/or the lack of it, ugly betty, plans to paint technicolour streaks of lightning amidst a vortex of swirling grey clouds, fantasies about goodbyes and heartbreaks at the thought of them, reno, my little cottage in the future with trees and swings strewn all over (please don't ever use the words "hdb flat" in your sentence when you are asking for my hand in marriage, nothing against hdb flats, everything against practicality when it comes to eternal love), mental disorders, etc, etc. you know, normal stuff.

i guess we are all moving on with our lives and being all adult about it now.

Twenty - five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination



aunty just reminded me that she was married with three kids and working in singapore by my age (yes, i'm 25!). i'm a failure.

sleepless beauty

luckily for me, i tend to like, get bored of stuff like, really easily, and like, need to try new stuff, like, after a while.

so all this sadness and being like a lost puppy whimpering in wait for a lucky break like some doggy treats or unconditional love is starting to lose its allure for me and i'm thinking of doing some new...things, today. and hey, it does feel like friday because i was on night shift last night and i'm usually on night shift on thursdays which gets me most of fridays off and i get the rest of today off pretty soon. so what the heck. TGIF!

lets see, i'm thinking of going for a run later and i'm hoping to break the 10km barrier today. i'm also thinking of getting a dress? well, that can be considered. oh! oh! i should paint! i mean, hell i'm no picasso but i bet picasso was also going, "hell, i'm no picasso, but heck, lets do this!" and look at him now! ok, i mean, god rest his soul he's dead but, you know what i mean. how about some spring-cleaning? i confess that my room has been in make-over mode for the past two or three years shame on me but, but, if there's a bustle in your hedgerow don't be alarmed now it's just a spring-clean for the may queen, and as led zeppelin put it so eloquently, spring-cleaning should only be done in may. i rest my case. i need to rest on my pillow case. i apologise for the travesty of a blog post this "thing" has become, it's the heavily disrupted, disintegrated, insufficient sleep talking. shireen has been kidnapped and tied up in a corner by the ants in her head, you can leave her a message after the beep.

oh and ugly betty will definitely get some air time today, as she has been getting the past few days, for successfully nursing my heart back to the colour of ridiculous hope and calm.

come on, look at that crazily optimistic smiling rainbow!

the end.

those girls

there are these girls. the ones the whole world loves to love. they wear the right clothes, everything fits perfectly. they look great in every photo, without even trying. their make-up is just right, their shoes are perfect, they never seem to wear the same thing twice. they seem to float along, everyday, just floating, wondering which club to party at for TGIF, where to meet their girlfriends for lunch this tuesday, which clothes to sell at their garage sales to tame their exploding wardrobes full of glitter and glamour. their boyfriends (and their moms) think the world of them, showering them with gifts, shiny things, flowers, heart-felt compliments, like little boys seeing beauty for the first time. these girls never have to worry about those games boys play, they are too beautiful, too precious to risk losing. their facebook statuses are always about bitchy colleagues at work, a great weekend trying the best food with the best company, some awesome new acquisitions from recent shops-capades. they are not much acquainted with melancholy (it never lasts for more than two days) and sleep well at night. they are beautiful even when they sleep. they never need to try to be happy, it's just how they are at their rest state or equilibrium state or whatever.

then, there's me.

to be happy is like going for a swim in a stormy sea. i have to fight doubly, triply hard, much harder than others, just to be happy, and then, stay happy. the moment i lose focus, the moment i slack on my strokes or my arms or legs grow weary or water enters my goggles and i try to recover, i start to be pulled away by all these angry, vicious, vengeful currents. and before i know it, before i can even try to salvage the situation, i'm helpless. the waves are crashing repeatedly over my head and it's not even about swimming anymore. now, it's just about breathing, fighting for my life, fighting to stay alive. the temptation to give up is so intense, my panicked screams and cries are being replaced by desperate gasps for air. "you brought this upon yourself," chide the ones i call out to for help, and then they go on with their lives. i can't argue with their point though, can i? but why must it be so hard? it's not like i don't try. i try where others don't even need to try. why can't being happy just be as normal to me as breathing is? i don't blame you for wanting to stay away. i would stay away from me, it's like being with death.




i guess there's some beauty in walking on even when your heart is breaking...

into a million little pieces.

"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe."

i know i might get shot for this, especially by all of you who are having nervous breakdowns about exams, deadlines, etc now, but....i'm so ready to study again! to enclose myself in the safety of a library, buried in books, poring over papers, searching for clues and lego pieces to give form, shape, substance to ideas and thoughts, to test and explore, to expand and renew, bombarding and being bombarded with questions to open doors to even bigger questions...aaargh, i can't wait!!

so where do i apply?

a home for troubled cats

believe it or not, i carried a cat (kitten) for the first time in my life today! well, it's a big deal considering i'm so not a cat person and have no inclination whatsoever of giving them any portion of my undivided attention.

but i had no choice today. and it surprisingly felt, nice.

well, all the girls had gone for their run and i was busy speaking to one of their moms when the one they call "wang wang" kept cosying up to the mom. the mom was somehow totally freaked out by cats and refused to let us continue the conversation until wang wang was far far away. i tried to make funny sounds, snap my fingers, shake the chair, stamp my feet. the mom ran from one corner to the other. wang wang thought it was fun and started charging towards the mom all the more. sigh.

so i actually picked it up with my bare hands and brought it to the other end of the canteen. i could feel its heartbeat, its legs were swinging, trying to feel for ground, head turning about curiously. it must've thought the game had only just begun because as soon as i put it down, it ran all the way back to the mom with a dead-set purpose.

i ran after it, mom was still freaking out over the mischievous furry thing. again, with the same sense of "oh no..." in my heart, i picked up wang wang, brought it all the way to the front of the home, and prayed it would become curious about other things, or sleepy. those seem to be the only two ways to occupy a cat.

but just so you know, it really wasn't so bad. their moods, curiousity, stubbornness, uniqueness, playfulness, sleepiness, living as though they will never die (or have nine lives); sometimes i can't tell the difference between the girls and the cats (all 41320989182 of them).

***

update: ok just got back from the doctor. broke out in really bad rashes all over my face and body towards the end of my run just now. the only new thing i did today out of the ordinary was well, carry a cat! now i know why i instinctively avoid them. oh well!!!! all that previous gung-ho-ness is now but a flat tyre. oh well.

valium in the sunshine

wow i feel like i've just gone around the world and back in the last 12 hours or so. at about 2am, whilst swimming in a whirlpool of memories, i chanced upon an email to a dear friend and discovered that once a upon a time, i had fallen in love with a musician and conveniently forgotten about him. i had spent the last 2 hours before that restless, itching for new music to blow my mind and the search bore fruit, very tasty ones, in the most unexpected way. how do i explain this? whenever i come across really good music, i really do feel like i'm in heaven, like i've found the most valuable thing ever. you don't know how happy it makes me. so, allow me to introduce you to...

Maps.

i really am not a fan of electronica, most of the time, and no, i'm not a music bigot. i'm just prejudiced towards the good ones. you know? but my, my. Maps' music is some kind of beautiful, really. and totally underrated.

i finally went to sleep at 430am, equipped with a kick-ass soundtrack for my dreams. oh my dreams, don't get me started. that was another adventure on its own! and for the record, there was really music in my dreams and i did feel like i was smiling! all rudely and abruptly halted by the phone.

i feel generous. how can i not share this especially? i'm going to leave you with some Maps tracks to savour through my ridiculous head-bobbing ninja player at the side! enjoy!

hope

nothing beats waking up to a home filled with music.

i remember, when i was younger, i'd wake up to ottmar liebert's lively flamenco pieces which would accompany papa's breakfast before he went to work. on weekends, even till this day, as i'd trudge sleepily down the stairs in the mornings, that familiar sense of hope and peace would seep in as the likes of nick drake, enya, george harrison, neil young, pink floyd, etc, greeted my ears and as i saw papa having his morning breakfast and reading the newspapers in the garden outside. like today.

it is good friday. this morning, as i was reading the papers consumed with the strife of humanity, i was filled with, not gloom, but hope, so much hope. for in every article that was choked with suffering, the darling buds of human goodness were also found to be blooming through the crevices of darkness. there are always people who are fighting, raging against the dying of the light, and that gives me hope.

it was maundy thursday yesterday, the night jesus washed the feet of his disciples. the night he gave of himself. that same night, he experienced the depths of human loneliness in the garden of gethsamane. on this night every year, the holy eucharist is transfered to the altar of repose in all catholic churches to signify when jesus prayed and wept alone in the garden that night. it is a catholic tradition to spend some time at the altar of repose on maundy thursday, to "stay awake at least an hour with him."

as i spent some time at the altar, i realised that in that moment, noone could touch his loneliness, his great anguish. the airconditioning was ridiculously cold and i was shivering under my thickest (by singapore's standards) cardigan. i recalled the countless nights when i was in my very own garden of gethsamane, crying alone in the early hours of the morning in a park somewhere, skin all cold not because of the air but because i felt that i had lost everything. i felt that noone could touch my loneliness then. i remembered how i scratched myself to get the pain out and felt contented when i saw the angry marks on my skin.

and last night, as i recalled the moments of how my nails dug into skin, i would immediately have a vision of jesus bent double in agony at the same time, as though it was his skin i had dug into instead. and as i recalled the nights i spent praying for god to just not let me ever wake up again, daring him, challenging him, provoking him, i would instantly see that same image of the tormented christ again. i felt ashamed, that as he carried the weight of sin that night, for me, i wanted to destroy and only destroy, me, the very one he was dying to save.

i marveled at how even jesus had experienced what it felt to pray so hard for something only to be rewarded with more pain. he had prayed, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me; still, not my will but yours be done." he prayed so fervently that "his sweat became like drops of blood falling on the ground." yet, even after all that, he was betrayed, scourged, made to carry the cross, crucified on that very same cross between two criminals.

i had almost missed the point when i was reminded that the crucifixion had to come before the resurrection. i soon recalled the chain of events that transpired last year, at this very same time, that changed the course of my life drastically. it was a painful experience, filled with much rejection, uncertainty and confusion. it still stings, believe me. yet, if it did not happen, i would still be in a sorry state of succumbing to who i wasn't. i shudder to think what that would be like. for sure, i would have been totally off-course in the path of fulfilling my dreams.

totally.

a semblance of an ordinary world

tennis was awesome yesterday. i felt so pumped up i'm not sure why. perhaps it was because of my annoying toothache. or the annoying traffic jam on the way(i hate all sorts of jams! blueberry jam, strawberry jam, silver berry jam, traffic jam, etc).

i felt like a cross between the williams sisters and a viking slaying dragons because every now and then, in between whacking the life out of those sorry green tennis balls, i was attempting to slay those irritating light flies (what do you call them?) with my tennis racket of a sword, swinging and slashing and prancing around. in between, i chased cute fat little frogs about, trying to veer them towards freedom (i.e. beyond the fences of the court). they were really cute. and fat. i was afraid they would end up in a squishy green glob of death.

finally found myself at a dental clinic today after god knows how many centuries. i was utterly shocked by the amount of blood i was spitting out as she polished and cleaned my teeth. bad news is it's only just started. worse news is i have to extract my erupting wisdom tooth in the very near future. good news is...well, i saw the dentist? and she graduated from otago! so we had some nice things to talk about. i really miss otago and my life there. it's one of those things i'm so glad i did. like really, shireen. at least one great choice you have made!!! oh dear, i'm talking to myself now, moving on...

so i'm at night shift now. feels good that i can finally spend more time with the girls instead of judges, officers, principals, reports etc. i love these girls the more i get to know them. they are really awesome, many times in ways i am not, and i hope i can help them all win.

i can smell the weekend already, i love fridays!

spring is around the corner, baby!

i know, i know, i've been all sorts of emoish lately. we'll try to have less of that here, i promise! but every dog has its day and every girl has her...say? i know what you were thinking.

things have been looking up, or at least i have been. as much as my previous post seems to embody cynism, i assure you it is far from it. it's amazing what a sense of humour can do. it's amazing how a decision to just heck it and smilelaughguffaw actually makes you lighter as a person, to be, and to hang out with.

come on, shireen! you're back home "early" tonight! pack your stuff for tomorrow's tennis and swimming, take your shower, cuddle up into bed and put on some LOST!!!!

and i would still like to own a pet dragon.

New Jónsi Video - "Go Do" - Video - Stereogum
- Watch more Videos at Vodpod.

ha ha

perhaps, in all that haste to turn everything into laughter, i'll find one that's really genuine. you know? the heartfelt kind that makes you feel like you're being continuously punched in the guts and turns on the waterworks? funny how the best kinds leave you in such pain, wanting more of the same. funny how a good laugh uncannily resembles a good cry. funny.

what's that? you're not going to be there again? i raise my eyebrows, shrug my shoulders, sing a tune, smile and walk on. it works. you love me better this way. i love me better this way.

i need, i want, i have to own a pet dragon!

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth

well, it's starting to sound more like noise. in other words, i honestly don't think i care. one day, it's not going to matter to me anymore. you can't hold ransom what really is free, can you?

one of these days. whoa-oh-oh!

-sings-

what i do best





You grow, you roar
Although disguised
I know you

You'll learn to know

You grow, you grow like tornado
You grow from the inside
Destroy everything through
Destroy from the inside
Erupt like volcano
You flow through the inside
You kill everything through
You kill from the inside

You'll...
You'll learn to know

I wonder if I'm allowed ever to see
I wonder if I'm allowed to ever be free

You sound so blue
You now are gloom

You're now so blue
You now are gloom

I wonder if I'm allowed just ever to be 

.

"status updates"

watched cop-out for the lack of a better available movie and i can now safely say i know at least 10,000,000 ways to annoy someone to his grave!!!

have started training at the gym and i love seeing the numbers go down, though it's not happening fast enough! also, i secretly love showing my trainer i'm tough stuff although i'm pretty much jelly and end up sheepishly grinning my resignation.

have finally decided to use ONE day of leave tomorrow (monday). i selfishly hoard my days of leave because i'm terribly optimistic i will be using it for a big road-trip sometime in the very near future.

discovered the joy of a helium can and letting go of heart-shaped balloons into the bottomless sky this afternoon. i felt a tinge of sadness as my very own purple balloon floated further and further away from me into those stormy grey clouds, carrying with it my cry of surrender of the things wrapped around my heart.

realised how utterly confused i truly can be. so totally sure one second, so totally not the next. i'm cool with it. i'm ready for the gunshot. bang!

:), i think.

wanna put my tender

heart in a blender

watch it spin 'round into a beautiful oblivion

- inside out by eve 6

the movies

your hand reached down from the abyss out there into mine. the connection whizzed through my entire body and sent a jolt right through my heart. the dead skin, the heavy blubber surrounding my heart, all started to melt away under the heat of your never-changing love. then i could not ignore it any longer. now, it is clearer than ever before and i'm in shock. is this really happening? will i really choose this? somewhere inside, i know i must! but.

so now i've started to reel in my heart strings that have gotten themselves anchored in what seems like the wrong place, for so long. i feel my heart start to beat more easily and my guts relax as i pull those strings in. what an insane, beautiful, excruciatingly painful mess we would all be in if you knew just what made me pull in these strings. what a disastrous, historical, monumental tragicomedy we would all be in if i actually followed my heart unquestionably and completely.

i mean, it only happens in movies, right?

to walk on water

i attended mass alone today, but somehow, i was everything but alone. i just knew.

my body felt totally ravaged, by all that movement, by all the noise, the abandonment, the tears, the anxiety, the thoughts, and even by my strange strange dreams. i wanted to stay in bed till late, avoid people in general, waste the day in a cesspool of self-pity, then trudge along to evening mass with my bleeding heart on my sleeve.

i don't know whether it was the fear of weirder dreams to come, or a sense of eldest-childlike responsibility towards mustard seed community, or an urge to be available in the evening to avoid catastrophe, or just because. but i got up, took a shower, emptied the wardrobe onto the floor because everything felt like nothing fit and made my way to the 11am mass at SFX.

i think that sometimes, God purposely wears you out till you can't fight anymore. and that is the moment when he takes over and tells you to shut up and just let him drive. by then, you're too tired to argue so you just do. no counter-thoughts, no "but what about....?" you just follow.

i just followed.

traffic was bad around serangoon garden way and i could have just turned around and gone the longer but less congested way. but i just "hecked it" and went along with it. reaching church, i looked around at the smaller lanes surrounding the area. i saw an empty lot somewhere but the car behind was approaching too fast, so i just "hecked it" and turned into the crowded church entrance. cars were fighting to get into the huge carpark, so i just "hecked it" and went along the side past the premium lots. and lo and behold, one huge empty premium lot is waiting for me there. i parallel park just fine into it, no car pressuring me from behind because all of them were still fighting to get into the huger carpark. seemed like all the "heck it" moments were like turns and bends guiding the flow of a river.

so by now, everything is starting to fit, the clothes on my body start to feel just right. i'm in church. but i'm still tired. i try to sing but i can't because breathing takes alot of effort on its own. my mind is empty because thinking is strenuous. as i am praying before i go up to receive communion, the whirlpool of thoughts spins into motion but comes to an abrupt pause when i feel Him say, "look at me!"

immediately, i see a stormy sea. and He says, "storms always come. but they always pass too. the thing is, are you going to sink or be washed away, or are you going to walk on water? it depends on what you choose to look at. peter started to sink when his eyes drifted from me to the storm."

and instantly, i started to see him in every situation i was in this week. His body, bruised, as people tore each other apart at home. His arms, enveloping each wounded soldier in the countless battles this week. His hand, on my shoulder, as i was reduced to my frightened 8-year-old self. His loving gaze, keeping watch by my bedside, as i curled under my cocoon of a blanket and cried myself to sleep alone. and now, in communion, in me.

then, mass ended and it was time to go for mustard seed's session. i was hungry to the point of an impending migraine. i drove down to serangoon gardens, where colin helped me to get a burger and coffee and drove back to church. session had started but i was so hungry i "hecked it" and sat out of session for a while to eat. when i went in, they began to sing these words:

Only by grace can we enter
Only by grace can we stand
Not by our human endeavor
But by the blood of the Lamb
Into Your presence You call us
Call us to come
Into Your presence You draw us
And now by Your grace we come

i immediately knew, just knew, that He had been everywhere with me on that lonely sunday morning. i wanted to kneel, i didn't know why. but i knew i had to. nevertheless, i didn't, well simply because nobody else did. then, jeanette flashed the next slide and it was a picture of jesus holding on to the arm of a man, i assume peter, sinking into the sea. and i immediately remembered the words that were spoken in my heart at mass earlier.

we then went into the next song, "heart of worship", and the urge to kneel became so strong. every act to resist it felt like i was holding back an entire ocean. i caved, and allowed my knees to buckle in resignation to the cold marble. and the tears, they just started to flow unceasingly!

i don't know how to describe it but i'll try.

it felt like i had finally fallen into the arms of God, the first lover of my soul, and He was letting me know precisely that, that it was His arms i was in, and it was His presence which filled that room, despite the disappointing turnout. as the tears fell, i felt as though every word i needed to speak, every ounce of hurt that was steadily muting my spirit, was finally released into the care of someone who actually knew, understood and loved me.

i got distracted after a while though. because my face was a mess and i badly needed to wipe my nose, a very unglamorous moment! i wanted to ask someone for a tissue but everyone was deep in prayer so i turned around to walk out the back door, albeit reluctantly. i wanted so much to stay in that presence! as if to let me know He was taking care of everything, from carparks to near-drowning experiences, lo and behold, there, on the table at the back, lay an open packet of tissue!

sigh. wow.

reminds me of a night back in time, one that i will never forget. perhaps a story for another day?

someone asked me how i was just now. i guess it would be summarised in the following:

"i'm doing ok. not everything is ok, but i feel strangely calm and very secure knowing jesus has my back. just feel extra sure of that today. :)"

there goes a supernova, what a pushover.

yeah.

 don't you waste me in the ground

in these finite moments, i ask myself, what right do i have to deny my dreams from coming true? how dare i hold back this soul which is bursting at its seams? these songs, under what authority should i keep them muted, hidden, tell me! i imagine. soft, melodic riffs on guitars. smiles of loved ones by the seaside. long-flowing dresses. colours, lots of them. a never-ending sunset. you, faceless right now. us, defying the logics of love and reality, creating surges in hearts long after we're gone.

unfailing love

i was out at sea yesterday, the wind tussling my hair and salt water lacing my lips. i lay down on the hull, my wine glass resting on my stomach, and flung my gaze into the stars, searching for the ones i could not see. i knew there was more, so much more. darkness does not seem so scary when you are assured of more stars than you could ever comprehend. i am not so afraid now, God.

to love into change

on sunday, i was sitting at the feet of a wise man who had many wise things to say and i really wished you were there to listen. next, i sat at the feet of his wise wife and judged you for not being there to listen. but there is a reason why you aren't there these days, not even for your own sake. then, i felt ashamed for my judgments, for only judging and nothing else. the truth is, you are just as broken as i am. the truth is, you are far more beautiful than i know.

and i'm committed to loving you into change, into freedom. it's what changed me.

my mind rebels at stagnation

while i have acquired a small collection of books to take care of a small part of this predicament called "stagnation", my mind and body are physically starting to recoil at the thought that this will be me and us for the rest of my life.

no, i will not allow it!

there is still much travelling to be done, more dancing to be learnt, then danced, more planes to jump out from, more mind-prickling conversations over coffee-shop tables and coffee cups to be participated in, more white sheets of paper to have paint splashed on them, more rain showers to swirl around in...no, i'm not ready for a full. stop. this pen has many more adventures to write before the ink of its youth runs out!

so, what do you say? shall we?

why i blog (since i hardly hold a pen to write these days and type instead)

because, everywhere else, i am forced to write about what others want to read, to achieve some end, for someone else. here, i write anything i want, whenever i want, just for the heck of it, for the love of it.

to love writing, what does that mean? to love words? words lose their shapes and meaning and blend into meaningless noise and figures when you stare too long at them. rather, i like how these words flow from the ocean up here in my mind down to the tips of my fingers and out into the infinite expanse of this universe. i love how i can glide over words as i write (type) them, read them, glide over these shapes that make up letters that make up words that make up...all sorts of things! i like how i am carried from one word (and world) to another as i get upgraded to the status of a newborn, and everything is like the first time all over again (accidental pun, intended upon hindsight).

mother teresa once said that she was merely a pencil in the hand of God and i picture the words and visions that flow through me from that incredible fountainhead of love as i allow them to escape into, and find their place in the universe through my fingertips, my nostrils, my lips, my toes and hair (to name a few)!

eclipse of the mind has begun, i need sleep soon, which my dreams so often rob me of!