to walk on water

i attended mass alone today, but somehow, i was everything but alone. i just knew.

my body felt totally ravaged, by all that movement, by all the noise, the abandonment, the tears, the anxiety, the thoughts, and even by my strange strange dreams. i wanted to stay in bed till late, avoid people in general, waste the day in a cesspool of self-pity, then trudge along to evening mass with my bleeding heart on my sleeve.

i don't know whether it was the fear of weirder dreams to come, or a sense of eldest-childlike responsibility towards mustard seed community, or an urge to be available in the evening to avoid catastrophe, or just because. but i got up, took a shower, emptied the wardrobe onto the floor because everything felt like nothing fit and made my way to the 11am mass at SFX.

i think that sometimes, God purposely wears you out till you can't fight anymore. and that is the moment when he takes over and tells you to shut up and just let him drive. by then, you're too tired to argue so you just do. no counter-thoughts, no "but what about....?" you just follow.

i just followed.

traffic was bad around serangoon garden way and i could have just turned around and gone the longer but less congested way. but i just "hecked it" and went along with it. reaching church, i looked around at the smaller lanes surrounding the area. i saw an empty lot somewhere but the car behind was approaching too fast, so i just "hecked it" and turned into the crowded church entrance. cars were fighting to get into the huge carpark, so i just "hecked it" and went along the side past the premium lots. and lo and behold, one huge empty premium lot is waiting for me there. i parallel park just fine into it, no car pressuring me from behind because all of them were still fighting to get into the huger carpark. seemed like all the "heck it" moments were like turns and bends guiding the flow of a river.

so by now, everything is starting to fit, the clothes on my body start to feel just right. i'm in church. but i'm still tired. i try to sing but i can't because breathing takes alot of effort on its own. my mind is empty because thinking is strenuous. as i am praying before i go up to receive communion, the whirlpool of thoughts spins into motion but comes to an abrupt pause when i feel Him say, "look at me!"

immediately, i see a stormy sea. and He says, "storms always come. but they always pass too. the thing is, are you going to sink or be washed away, or are you going to walk on water? it depends on what you choose to look at. peter started to sink when his eyes drifted from me to the storm."

and instantly, i started to see him in every situation i was in this week. His body, bruised, as people tore each other apart at home. His arms, enveloping each wounded soldier in the countless battles this week. His hand, on my shoulder, as i was reduced to my frightened 8-year-old self. His loving gaze, keeping watch by my bedside, as i curled under my cocoon of a blanket and cried myself to sleep alone. and now, in communion, in me.

then, mass ended and it was time to go for mustard seed's session. i was hungry to the point of an impending migraine. i drove down to serangoon gardens, where colin helped me to get a burger and coffee and drove back to church. session had started but i was so hungry i "hecked it" and sat out of session for a while to eat. when i went in, they began to sing these words:

Only by grace can we enter
Only by grace can we stand
Not by our human endeavor
But by the blood of the Lamb
Into Your presence You call us
Call us to come
Into Your presence You draw us
And now by Your grace we come

i immediately knew, just knew, that He had been everywhere with me on that lonely sunday morning. i wanted to kneel, i didn't know why. but i knew i had to. nevertheless, i didn't, well simply because nobody else did. then, jeanette flashed the next slide and it was a picture of jesus holding on to the arm of a man, i assume peter, sinking into the sea. and i immediately remembered the words that were spoken in my heart at mass earlier.

we then went into the next song, "heart of worship", and the urge to kneel became so strong. every act to resist it felt like i was holding back an entire ocean. i caved, and allowed my knees to buckle in resignation to the cold marble. and the tears, they just started to flow unceasingly!

i don't know how to describe it but i'll try.

it felt like i had finally fallen into the arms of God, the first lover of my soul, and He was letting me know precisely that, that it was His arms i was in, and it was His presence which filled that room, despite the disappointing turnout. as the tears fell, i felt as though every word i needed to speak, every ounce of hurt that was steadily muting my spirit, was finally released into the care of someone who actually knew, understood and loved me.

i got distracted after a while though. because my face was a mess and i badly needed to wipe my nose, a very unglamorous moment! i wanted to ask someone for a tissue but everyone was deep in prayer so i turned around to walk out the back door, albeit reluctantly. i wanted so much to stay in that presence! as if to let me know He was taking care of everything, from carparks to near-drowning experiences, lo and behold, there, on the table at the back, lay an open packet of tissue!

sigh. wow.

reminds me of a night back in time, one that i will never forget. perhaps a story for another day?

someone asked me how i was just now. i guess it would be summarised in the following:

"i'm doing ok. not everything is ok, but i feel strangely calm and very secure knowing jesus has my back. just feel extra sure of that today. :)"