turn the volume up now if you have not done so and let us give a warm welcome to singingfool on the right who has just moved in with us. yay!!
this week, singingfool will be playing for us 4 songs.
1) The Postal Service - We Will Become Silhouettes
2) Foo Fighters - Best of You
3) Foo Fighters - Learn to Fly
4) REM - Everbody Hurts
the first was the only postal service song singingfool had but i like it anyway. it is a crime to leave the jokers, foo fighters, out. and i like that REM video. if you want to hear them all, then you have to stay here till the end because i don't know whether there is any skin i can choose that will let you scroll to a particular song. i'll go explore. in the meantime, enjoy!!
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Monday, December 26, 2005
i'm not one who usually has the habit of regretting. like most things in life, i think regrets are just made up of stories we repeat to ourselves when we are not complete with something. and as i said before, i think incompleteness is also a state of a mind, and well, just a story too.
i don't know why i'm talking about this. i think it's because i'm trying not to regret. i don't know whether what happened was my fault. but i did remind him about what would happen. i did ask him many times whether he had told them. and every time, he said he had. when he said there was no reply, i knew something was not right. i don't know what further interrogation would have done so i just took his word for it though i really didn't. i don't know whether it was fear which stopped me. but once i stopped, i knew what was coming. and it came. perhaps, that is why i feel as though i'm on the verge of regret. should i have said something more? should i have made the phonecall which i didn't make? should i have let it go so easily? i know i wasn't the one who lied or the one who defied. but i feel like i am because i feel a sense of inauthenticity inside, having taken the easy way out. so yes, i am also one who has lied and defied by betraying what i knew had to be said and done. i don't know how much of this is just a story i spun but there are so many things i'm wishing. like...if only he didn't do what he did. if only i did what i should have done. but all these if only's are useless. and whatever happened, happened. and what is, just is. but this uneasy feeling inside bugs me. why?
today is the first anniversary of the tsunami that hit us the year before. as we go on with our lives today, and every other day, let us not forget that the victims of life's tsunamis, each and every one of us. let us always remind each other of goodness and hope so that we may never lose sight and regain our footing should these tsunamis sweep us off our feet and cause destruction in our lives. also, let it be a reminder to us to avoid making one of the biggest mistakes man has made throughout the centuries and milleniums, not living as though every second might be our last.
not everything was unpleasant today (sunday). i enjoyed reading my cards and it felt good celebrating with my relatives and friends. i really couldn't help but love them and keep smiling within. even when i kept getting nagged about not getting enough sleep and waking up late or about going out late. even when i got told off and vented upon for someone else's actions. i just can't help but feel that there is so much to be thankful for. not just so much, but everything in fact! well, i can only say it's all good.
i know there is still room for transformation. i know there are areas in my life where i am not complete with. i know a certain restlessness stirs within from time to time. i know there are people i should do more for. i know there are promises i have yet to fulfil. i know there are forms i have to fill in and places i have to go to. i know there are albums i should be recording and events i should be planning for. i know there is so much i still don't know or doubt. but i also know that it will be alright and all i have to do is keep walking and never lose sight and i know that if i do this, then sure enough, i will reach.
inhale. exhale.
i don't know why i'm talking about this. i think it's because i'm trying not to regret. i don't know whether what happened was my fault. but i did remind him about what would happen. i did ask him many times whether he had told them. and every time, he said he had. when he said there was no reply, i knew something was not right. i don't know what further interrogation would have done so i just took his word for it though i really didn't. i don't know whether it was fear which stopped me. but once i stopped, i knew what was coming. and it came. perhaps, that is why i feel as though i'm on the verge of regret. should i have said something more? should i have made the phonecall which i didn't make? should i have let it go so easily? i know i wasn't the one who lied or the one who defied. but i feel like i am because i feel a sense of inauthenticity inside, having taken the easy way out. so yes, i am also one who has lied and defied by betraying what i knew had to be said and done. i don't know how much of this is just a story i spun but there are so many things i'm wishing. like...if only he didn't do what he did. if only i did what i should have done. but all these if only's are useless. and whatever happened, happened. and what is, just is. but this uneasy feeling inside bugs me. why?
today is the first anniversary of the tsunami that hit us the year before. as we go on with our lives today, and every other day, let us not forget that the victims of life's tsunamis, each and every one of us. let us always remind each other of goodness and hope so that we may never lose sight and regain our footing should these tsunamis sweep us off our feet and cause destruction in our lives. also, let it be a reminder to us to avoid making one of the biggest mistakes man has made throughout the centuries and milleniums, not living as though every second might be our last.
not everything was unpleasant today (sunday). i enjoyed reading my cards and it felt good celebrating with my relatives and friends. i really couldn't help but love them and keep smiling within. even when i kept getting nagged about not getting enough sleep and waking up late or about going out late. even when i got told off and vented upon for someone else's actions. i just can't help but feel that there is so much to be thankful for. not just so much, but everything in fact! well, i can only say it's all good.
i know there is still room for transformation. i know there are areas in my life where i am not complete with. i know a certain restlessness stirs within from time to time. i know there are people i should do more for. i know there are promises i have yet to fulfil. i know there are forms i have to fill in and places i have to go to. i know there are albums i should be recording and events i should be planning for. i know there is so much i still don't know or doubt. but i also know that it will be alright and all i have to do is keep walking and never lose sight and i know that if i do this, then sure enough, i will reach.
inhale. exhale.
Friday, December 23, 2005
got back this morning and it felt like i had never left at all. india was already beginning to fade away as the cab pulled up infront of my house. i came in, patted reno and cooed at his cuteness, said hi to aunty as though i had just come back from school or the shop and went to the fridge to get some cookies to eat. for the past 16 days, it's like i went on without life and life went on without me but i didn't really mind.
well, well...what to say? you know how it is...for the things that really hit home in your heart, words are always insufficient and only scratch the surface if they scratch anything at all. i could write for a hundred years, a thousand words each day...but words are just shells. and that's one of the most important lessons i've learnt during this time. words are like containers and containers, well, contain. water takes the form of the container when it is contained and it flows freely, only as far as the walls of the container allow it too. water could take many other shapes but it only takes one when you put it in that one container. that's the consequence of judgement, when we put love in a box or in the shape of a heart or a diamond. it's all related in case you're wondering how "judgement" came into the picture. just as an example. you eat an ice-cream and in eating that ice-cream, experience a whole phletora of experiences which are infinite and ultimately, all one experience. but you say, "oh, the ice-cream was refreshing!" but the fact is that, that one word, 'refreshing", doesn't sum it all up. neither would using more words say it all. in fact, if anything, all you did was "contain" the experience. and the danger in that is that you distort the actual experience and grow to believe in the distorted one instead (if you are not conscious of this). then, instead of believing in the actual experience, you start believing in merely the word. it's like playing with the box and falling in love with it when you get a present. how's that for missing the point?
ok, so what's my point? nothing much. i'm just trying to say that the more i experienced, the harder it was for me to put them all into words. each moment was so profound and intense that i didn't ever want to forget so i kept a journal throughout. and i took lots of photos. alot!! meanwhile, i knew that the photos, the words, were all just...photos and words. and the only way i could really fully own those moments was by totally BEing in them. not to create stories about them, not to put a judgement or caption on them, but to just totally love and accept everything the universe was giving to me as a gift and to appreciate and be grateful for that gift. the moment i stopped doing that and started comparing one town to another and deciding where i was happier (be it between singapore and india or delhii and dharamshala), i had constricted the flow of love and the breath of god in me and it made me feel bitter and frustrated, choked up.
but those times when i was simply in awe and in love, with no or little room for fear, i felt truly alive and present, even in the midst of poverty, traffic jams, piss and pollution. and really horny cars which never fail to piss the shit out of me! hahaha.
just before i left for india, i was at the national library in singapore browsing for books to borrow. i happened to chance across a book about the philosopher, hegel, and thought of a friend. so i picked it up and randomly turned to a page and it talked about how in order to know something, you have to experience it. and yes, spouting profounds thoughts will never let me know god. only when i experience god can i truly know god. and the only way i can experience god is by living. even "god" is just a word. but if you strip away all the words, you'll find that everything is really all one and that there is only one word.
i know there are many religious people in the world. and there are also people who religiously make it a point to condemn religion. but i perceive that whether you profess to have a religion or not, you really do have one. ultimately, isn't that alot like us humans? our souls are infinite, and ultimately, all part of the same one god and yet, we were put into different bodies. our bodies are just shells to house our divine nature in the material realm. the thoughts and beliefs we hold on to and the structures we create which govern our lives are simply just the boxes we have created to contain that one big thing.
so ultimately, there is only that one thing which is the ultimate truth. and everything else, is well, an illusion or a manisfestation (or maybe, both) of it. religion is an inevitable part of life. it is our "zahir". each and every one of us lives according to some kind of "zahir", something your whole existence propels around. some of us try to fight it, to not have a religion, to break out of structures, but that fight then becomes our zahir. i was at the osho ashram bookshop in pune, india, reading an article about freedom. it spoke of 3 types of freedom namely, "freedom from", "freedom for" and "freedom". the first is negative freedom, the second is positive and the last, the highest form, just IS.
ok what are you saying, shireen???
well, i'm not really sure. i just know that all these rivers (whatever shape, length or size) lead to this one ocean and my purpose is to flow as one with them and empty out myself into this ocean.
i actually have so much to say about india. and i have so much more to say about everything i have just said. but i am hungry and am going to eat.
well, well...what to say? you know how it is...for the things that really hit home in your heart, words are always insufficient and only scratch the surface if they scratch anything at all. i could write for a hundred years, a thousand words each day...but words are just shells. and that's one of the most important lessons i've learnt during this time. words are like containers and containers, well, contain. water takes the form of the container when it is contained and it flows freely, only as far as the walls of the container allow it too. water could take many other shapes but it only takes one when you put it in that one container. that's the consequence of judgement, when we put love in a box or in the shape of a heart or a diamond. it's all related in case you're wondering how "judgement" came into the picture. just as an example. you eat an ice-cream and in eating that ice-cream, experience a whole phletora of experiences which are infinite and ultimately, all one experience. but you say, "oh, the ice-cream was refreshing!" but the fact is that, that one word, 'refreshing", doesn't sum it all up. neither would using more words say it all. in fact, if anything, all you did was "contain" the experience. and the danger in that is that you distort the actual experience and grow to believe in the distorted one instead (if you are not conscious of this). then, instead of believing in the actual experience, you start believing in merely the word. it's like playing with the box and falling in love with it when you get a present. how's that for missing the point?
ok, so what's my point? nothing much. i'm just trying to say that the more i experienced, the harder it was for me to put them all into words. each moment was so profound and intense that i didn't ever want to forget so i kept a journal throughout. and i took lots of photos. alot!! meanwhile, i knew that the photos, the words, were all just...photos and words. and the only way i could really fully own those moments was by totally BEing in them. not to create stories about them, not to put a judgement or caption on them, but to just totally love and accept everything the universe was giving to me as a gift and to appreciate and be grateful for that gift. the moment i stopped doing that and started comparing one town to another and deciding where i was happier (be it between singapore and india or delhii and dharamshala), i had constricted the flow of love and the breath of god in me and it made me feel bitter and frustrated, choked up.
but those times when i was simply in awe and in love, with no or little room for fear, i felt truly alive and present, even in the midst of poverty, traffic jams, piss and pollution. and really horny cars which never fail to piss the shit out of me! hahaha.
just before i left for india, i was at the national library in singapore browsing for books to borrow. i happened to chance across a book about the philosopher, hegel, and thought of a friend. so i picked it up and randomly turned to a page and it talked about how in order to know something, you have to experience it. and yes, spouting profounds thoughts will never let me know god. only when i experience god can i truly know god. and the only way i can experience god is by living. even "god" is just a word. but if you strip away all the words, you'll find that everything is really all one and that there is only one word.
i know there are many religious people in the world. and there are also people who religiously make it a point to condemn religion. but i perceive that whether you profess to have a religion or not, you really do have one. ultimately, isn't that alot like us humans? our souls are infinite, and ultimately, all part of the same one god and yet, we were put into different bodies. our bodies are just shells to house our divine nature in the material realm. the thoughts and beliefs we hold on to and the structures we create which govern our lives are simply just the boxes we have created to contain that one big thing.
so ultimately, there is only that one thing which is the ultimate truth. and everything else, is well, an illusion or a manisfestation (or maybe, both) of it. religion is an inevitable part of life. it is our "zahir". each and every one of us lives according to some kind of "zahir", something your whole existence propels around. some of us try to fight it, to not have a religion, to break out of structures, but that fight then becomes our zahir. i was at the osho ashram bookshop in pune, india, reading an article about freedom. it spoke of 3 types of freedom namely, "freedom from", "freedom for" and "freedom". the first is negative freedom, the second is positive and the last, the highest form, just IS.
ok what are you saying, shireen???
well, i'm not really sure. i just know that all these rivers (whatever shape, length or size) lead to this one ocean and my purpose is to flow as one with them and empty out myself into this ocean.
i actually have so much to say about india. and i have so much more to say about everything i have just said. but i am hungry and am going to eat.
Monday, December 12, 2005
the wonders of technology! i'm on a mountain in manali, india blogging using my brothers hi-tech handphone. good going pravin! someone just rang our doorbell and when we opened it, there was only a plastic bag containing pair of slippers. strange.
but well, there's been nothing ordinary about this trip since we landed. no, actually even before we landed. it's been amazing! nothing but.
gotta run....god bless!!
but well, there's been nothing ordinary about this trip since we landed. no, actually even before we landed. it's been amazing! nothing but.
gotta run....god bless!!
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
"...some days are diamonds
some days are rocks..."
walls by tom petty. thanks to jerel who will probably never read this but those words have gotten me on a roll. i think this is the most country song i have on my playlist now. haha.
tuesday started out as a rock but i just knew, know, that eventually, this mysterious and beautiful power transforms my rocks into diamonds (that's what i love about life!). i was holding out for that diamond. and here it is. i'm sitting back now to admire it with a contented smile on my face. aaah....
handing in my forms for work and travel was gentler than a breeze. i managed to buy my film because i needed to use the toilet and happened to walk past a film shop at novena square. i found a bus to take me to the library where i got to return my book which i never read because i had no time. i couldn't leave empty-handed, could i? so i got carried away and ended up carrying 5 books to the borrowing counters. the maximum was 4 so i thought i could make a decision there and then which to discard. lo and behold, there is a message at the counter saying we can borrow up to 8 during this holiday season! so i got to borrow them all but after that, my right shoulder got the work-out of its life haha. and what do you know? i ended up going shopping for a present for papa because i was so late for mass. after walking around for ages with my right arm about to be dislocated, i finally found one! by then, i had to take a cab cos i was running late for advent evening in church. when the cab reached my house, i literally had to dig my wallet for money cos i had so little left. thank goodness i collect old $1-notes which i never use because they're so rare. i used them this time. and...my mom let me take the car out! i was late for advent evening but it was really nice. it's been a long time since i've been for a tuesday night sharing and this came close enough. and i was pleasantly surprised to meet my aunty there. she came to say hi to me after the whole thing. and after she walked away, i suddenly had a strong urge to run after her and pour my heart and tears out to her. and she so patiently sat with me and talked with me. she's really helped us so much and i'm so thankful for her in my life. you have no idea. sam, terence, jude and celine joined us for supper and i felt really happy they did because it won't be long before it becomes a rarity. i really love them and hope the best for them when they leave. i enjoyed having supper with the rest of the usual suspects too. and some of the younger ones bumped into us and i just felt like, wow, nice cosy little neighbourhood. haha. then, melt, merrill, smelly and i stayed back for a while talking, after which i sent them home. and i loved sending them home because it made me feel so important haha. it was really such an honour. and when i got back home, i parked the car without any instructions from anyone because i was alone and... it was perfect! and my dad was waiting in the hall watching and i was so happy to see him smile and it felt like old times. i went up to see my mom and she was in a good mood too and i was happy to see her smile. and well, of course i boasted to her about my driving and parking haha.
the above paragraph must look like one big incoherent mess but what i'm really trying to say is that...i'm just happy right now. oh no, i sound so joyce-ish! haha...
without rocks, there'd be no diamonds.
some days are rocks..."
walls by tom petty. thanks to jerel who will probably never read this but those words have gotten me on a roll. i think this is the most country song i have on my playlist now. haha.
tuesday started out as a rock but i just knew, know, that eventually, this mysterious and beautiful power transforms my rocks into diamonds (that's what i love about life!). i was holding out for that diamond. and here it is. i'm sitting back now to admire it with a contented smile on my face. aaah....
handing in my forms for work and travel was gentler than a breeze. i managed to buy my film because i needed to use the toilet and happened to walk past a film shop at novena square. i found a bus to take me to the library where i got to return my book which i never read because i had no time. i couldn't leave empty-handed, could i? so i got carried away and ended up carrying 5 books to the borrowing counters. the maximum was 4 so i thought i could make a decision there and then which to discard. lo and behold, there is a message at the counter saying we can borrow up to 8 during this holiday season! so i got to borrow them all but after that, my right shoulder got the work-out of its life haha. and what do you know? i ended up going shopping for a present for papa because i was so late for mass. after walking around for ages with my right arm about to be dislocated, i finally found one! by then, i had to take a cab cos i was running late for advent evening in church. when the cab reached my house, i literally had to dig my wallet for money cos i had so little left. thank goodness i collect old $1-notes which i never use because they're so rare. i used them this time. and...my mom let me take the car out! i was late for advent evening but it was really nice. it's been a long time since i've been for a tuesday night sharing and this came close enough. and i was pleasantly surprised to meet my aunty there. she came to say hi to me after the whole thing. and after she walked away, i suddenly had a strong urge to run after her and pour my heart and tears out to her. and she so patiently sat with me and talked with me. she's really helped us so much and i'm so thankful for her in my life. you have no idea. sam, terence, jude and celine joined us for supper and i felt really happy they did because it won't be long before it becomes a rarity. i really love them and hope the best for them when they leave. i enjoyed having supper with the rest of the usual suspects too. and some of the younger ones bumped into us and i just felt like, wow, nice cosy little neighbourhood. haha. then, melt, merrill, smelly and i stayed back for a while talking, after which i sent them home. and i loved sending them home because it made me feel so important haha. it was really such an honour. and when i got back home, i parked the car without any instructions from anyone because i was alone and... it was perfect! and my dad was waiting in the hall watching and i was so happy to see him smile and it felt like old times. i went up to see my mom and she was in a good mood too and i was happy to see her smile. and well, of course i boasted to her about my driving and parking haha.
the above paragraph must look like one big incoherent mess but what i'm really trying to say is that...i'm just happy right now. oh no, i sound so joyce-ish! haha...
without rocks, there'd be no diamonds.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
cryptic (not so), sarcastic sms attacks,
angry voices booming through walls,
slamming of doors and crashing things,
they get me down, but only for a while,
i got plenty of reasons to smile.
it's so stupid how all of this started. please excuse me because i can't think of any less intelligent word besides "stupid". really, get over it. you don't even have tourettes, you weren't born with mermaid feet, you don't have cancer, you weren't made homeless by a hurricane, your dad didn't abandon you when you were a kid, you aren't poor. in fact, all that happened were...tantrums that were blown out of proportions.
let me tell you what's happening. noone knows how to talk to each other. the same things can be said without the vulgarities, with less accusations and name-calling, with non-dramatic words and with softer voices. and we wonder why noone listens or understands.
lets get this straight. firstly, even if you were all those things above that i said you weren't, you still have NO excuse to treat people like shit, just like there is no excuse for anyone to treat you like shit. i repeat, there is no excuse for that. secondly, stop waiting for other people to apologise or to make up for their "sins" before you do. otherwise, what's so much more sincere about your apology? and what makes you so right in the first place? thirdly, how the hell is your pride more important than this?
i'm not going to reciprocate. if you find me annoyingly nice or unmoved by the tantrums, it's because i am. simple as that. sometimes, words just don't provide the solution.
we're leaving for india tomorrow and i am going to enjoy every moment of it. i am really thankful for this opportunity. and i know i am blessed. i don't think you are a money-making machine or a doormat, you are my wonderful father. i don't think you are a naggy old hag, you are my beautiful mom. i don't think you are problem kids, you are my beloved brothers. and i love each and every one of you. i'm shireen but i'm not sweet by nature as my name professes me to be. but here i have been, baring my heart for you, because you're one of the rare few things that really matter..to me.
angry voices booming through walls,
slamming of doors and crashing things,
they get me down, but only for a while,
i got plenty of reasons to smile.
it's so stupid how all of this started. please excuse me because i can't think of any less intelligent word besides "stupid". really, get over it. you don't even have tourettes, you weren't born with mermaid feet, you don't have cancer, you weren't made homeless by a hurricane, your dad didn't abandon you when you were a kid, you aren't poor. in fact, all that happened were...tantrums that were blown out of proportions.
let me tell you what's happening. noone knows how to talk to each other. the same things can be said without the vulgarities, with less accusations and name-calling, with non-dramatic words and with softer voices. and we wonder why noone listens or understands.
lets get this straight. firstly, even if you were all those things above that i said you weren't, you still have NO excuse to treat people like shit, just like there is no excuse for anyone to treat you like shit. i repeat, there is no excuse for that. secondly, stop waiting for other people to apologise or to make up for their "sins" before you do. otherwise, what's so much more sincere about your apology? and what makes you so right in the first place? thirdly, how the hell is your pride more important than this?
i'm not going to reciprocate. if you find me annoyingly nice or unmoved by the tantrums, it's because i am. simple as that. sometimes, words just don't provide the solution.
we're leaving for india tomorrow and i am going to enjoy every moment of it. i am really thankful for this opportunity. and i know i am blessed. i don't think you are a money-making machine or a doormat, you are my wonderful father. i don't think you are a naggy old hag, you are my beautiful mom. i don't think you are problem kids, you are my beloved brothers. and i love each and every one of you. i'm shireen but i'm not sweet by nature as my name professes me to be. but here i have been, baring my heart for you, because you're one of the rare few things that really matter..to me.
i am so tired i can run forever.
i don't know what else to say. sometimes, this blog itself challenges me.
it's not just you, my friend.
believe me. sometimes, i too wish i could just strap each and everyone of you to a chair and gag your mouths so that the only thing you all can do is to just shut up and listen. for once. i guess i could but i guess i can't. well, at least, here, noone can shout or snap at me before i finish (or sometimes, even start) saying what i want, hang up the phone after a flurry of angry words (which you can't do here for obvious reasons) or tear up my letter because there is none to tear. yea, yea, there are other ways but i can't have everything, right?
but hey, this isn't about me. i don't want to tell you how it's affecting me. i really don't care about that. i just want you all to see what you are doing to each other. i want you all to stop blaming, stop shouting, stop the threats, stop hurting each other, stop cursing, stop taking all your issues out on everyone else, stop living in the past which is irrelevant, stop victimising yourselves, stop attacking...just stop it! just shut up and listen for once and you'll realise how STUPID AND WORTHLESS all this is.
it's tiring and draining. absorbing it, trying to diffuse it, trying to stay afloat when the whole ship is sinking. in the past, i used to just surrender immediately and say it's beyond hope but not now. because there's always hope. no, i won't give in now. i won't give in to becoming THAT. there are a million and one things i'd rather do right now (believe me, i REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY want to be selfish so much that it hurts). but i am not doing them because i want to be here. for US. because this is NOT worthless.
it's not all that bad. there have been so many good times. not everything was done out of spite or anger. many things were done out of pure love and kindness. but why, oh why, are we only looking at the darkness? THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE IN DARKNESS. that's why it looks like there's nothing here and that's why we think we're as good as dead.
i am willing to fight for us all and i have hope that we will be better. we have to try at least. no, we must! please don't let me do this alone. you know i'll break.
i don't know what else to say. sometimes, this blog itself challenges me.
it's not just you, my friend.
believe me. sometimes, i too wish i could just strap each and everyone of you to a chair and gag your mouths so that the only thing you all can do is to just shut up and listen. for once. i guess i could but i guess i can't. well, at least, here, noone can shout or snap at me before i finish (or sometimes, even start) saying what i want, hang up the phone after a flurry of angry words (which you can't do here for obvious reasons) or tear up my letter because there is none to tear. yea, yea, there are other ways but i can't have everything, right?
but hey, this isn't about me. i don't want to tell you how it's affecting me. i really don't care about that. i just want you all to see what you are doing to each other. i want you all to stop blaming, stop shouting, stop the threats, stop hurting each other, stop cursing, stop taking all your issues out on everyone else, stop living in the past which is irrelevant, stop victimising yourselves, stop attacking...just stop it! just shut up and listen for once and you'll realise how STUPID AND WORTHLESS all this is.
it's tiring and draining. absorbing it, trying to diffuse it, trying to stay afloat when the whole ship is sinking. in the past, i used to just surrender immediately and say it's beyond hope but not now. because there's always hope. no, i won't give in now. i won't give in to becoming THAT. there are a million and one things i'd rather do right now (believe me, i REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY want to be selfish so much that it hurts). but i am not doing them because i want to be here. for US. because this is NOT worthless.
it's not all that bad. there have been so many good times. not everything was done out of spite or anger. many things were done out of pure love and kindness. but why, oh why, are we only looking at the darkness? THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE IN DARKNESS. that's why it looks like there's nothing here and that's why we think we're as good as dead.
i am willing to fight for us all and i have hope that we will be better. we have to try at least. no, we must! please don't let me do this alone. you know i'll break.
Monday, December 05, 2005
nothing that sunny about this sunday, though one of the hottest ever, and not just in terms of degrees celsius.
i sometimes joke with adrian (japan) about how i fly to school on my broomstick whenever he teases me about my driving (though he's never seen me drive). today, he told me that while he was walking around in japan today, he saw a really nice broomstick and thought of me. that would be a nice early christmas gift, a broomstick which i could really fly away on sometimes.
so many walking bombs ticking away around us. you never know who or when but they've stored up the ammo and if you're accurate enough (which is easier than you think), you might just about push the right button/s or worse, be caught in the direct line of fire because you were the innoncent bystander at the wrong place at the wrong time (though i'm not sure whether there really is a wrong place and a wrong time).
everyone's been getting on everyone else's nerves today over the smallest things. and i mean SMALL. my mom was parking the car and i can't remember what she or anyone else was tensed about then but there it was, "Good Cheer Pub". just randomly appeared out of nowhere. next to a another pub called "i love happy daze".
"i think we all need to go down to good cheer pub," i said. it's funny i've never noticed these pubs before but when i finally did, it was for a good cause. i could feel a smile creeping upon the car for some moments and thank god!
and thank god for sending me adrian before i even had a chance to wallow in self-pity for the rest of the night! while talking to him, i realised i was simply justifying my desire to be indifferent and angry. people may be ticking bombs or choked up toilet bowls. but just as there are the wrong buttons to push and the wrong things to throw in, there are also the right ones. to fear or to love? that is the question.
bombs can be detonated. clogged up toilet bowls can be fixed and cleared. and scrooges can be loved.
well, the sunday has started to get a bit breezier. and though night has fallen, it does seem a bit sunnier now. i guess my thoughts and feelings do change as fast as the weather in singapore these days. =P
i sometimes joke with adrian (japan) about how i fly to school on my broomstick whenever he teases me about my driving (though he's never seen me drive). today, he told me that while he was walking around in japan today, he saw a really nice broomstick and thought of me. that would be a nice early christmas gift, a broomstick which i could really fly away on sometimes.
so many walking bombs ticking away around us. you never know who or when but they've stored up the ammo and if you're accurate enough (which is easier than you think), you might just about push the right button/s or worse, be caught in the direct line of fire because you were the innoncent bystander at the wrong place at the wrong time (though i'm not sure whether there really is a wrong place and a wrong time).
everyone's been getting on everyone else's nerves today over the smallest things. and i mean SMALL. my mom was parking the car and i can't remember what she or anyone else was tensed about then but there it was, "Good Cheer Pub". just randomly appeared out of nowhere. next to a another pub called "i love happy daze".
"i think we all need to go down to good cheer pub," i said. it's funny i've never noticed these pubs before but when i finally did, it was for a good cause. i could feel a smile creeping upon the car for some moments and thank god!
and thank god for sending me adrian before i even had a chance to wallow in self-pity for the rest of the night! while talking to him, i realised i was simply justifying my desire to be indifferent and angry. people may be ticking bombs or choked up toilet bowls. but just as there are the wrong buttons to push and the wrong things to throw in, there are also the right ones. to fear or to love? that is the question.
bombs can be detonated. clogged up toilet bowls can be fixed and cleared. and scrooges can be loved.
well, the sunday has started to get a bit breezier. and though night has fallen, it does seem a bit sunnier now. i guess my thoughts and feelings do change as fast as the weather in singapore these days. =P
Sunday, December 04, 2005
exams finally ended today (saturday). i don't know how i'm going to do for them but not expecting the best. not even going to expect because i'm not even going to think about them. don't know what got into me..haha..
just got back from my cousin's wedding reception. so many cute kids!!! all my little cousins and nephews!! at one point in time, i felt like i was a shepherd with many little sheep around my ankles. ok, they're not that small. but they were so funny and cheeky. pulling my scarf. giving me taps on my shoulder and running away. trying to scare me. showing off their "tattoos". telling me they want to go "shi shi". (i know what SOME of you reading are thinking, shhhh) haha...
the littler ones were in their own little worlds where they were the centres. when the photo montage was being screened, little joashie went up to the front and started dancing as though all the attention were on him. but that kid seriously knows how to groove! the 2-t0-4-year-olds were all acting grown-up around the babies, patting the babies' heads and rocking their baskets, talking to them in only words they could understand and screaming in their faces to wake them up and, beat this, putting their chests on the faces of the babies! (must be to try to breast-feed them or something!!! oh my gosh! these kids!!)
surjit is one funny guy. he always has a crazed look in his eyes. he took off his vest and put it on my head. then he ran away. his sister came and took the vest back to his mom. when surjit came back, he started asking around with a really bewildered and blur expression, "where is my raincoat??" raincoat! haha.
i remember there was once when these 3 siblings, surjit, sunil and sumeeta, came over to my house. their parents wanted to talk with my parents downstairs so i was entrusted to take care of them. i didn't know what to do so i whipped out the video cam and let each of them do some filming while the rest of us just jumped around shouting like hooligans and making monkey faces at the camera. i had to jump around and do all those stupid stuff too (cos i initiated it haha) and you could see by the end of that video, i was almost dead...but those kids, do kids ever get tired?? whenever i watch that video, i always shake my head at how silly we looked but inside, i'm really smiling and glad i captured this memory. who knows? ten to fifteen years down the road one day, one of them might be getting married, and this video might just appear on the screen at one of their wedding receptions. i bet when they are 27, they might have forgotten how crazy they used to be, how free..and when they watch it, they'll cover their faces under their napkins but i know that deep inside, they will be smiling too, as they remember how carefree and silly they used to be and that they once had that in them...
reminds me of one of my childhood videos. not sure whether i posted about this before. pravin and i were in our pyjamas and there was this little elephant playing drums (very noisily) and there we were "dancing". pravin used to follow whatever i did. jeevan wasn't born at that time. i was jumping around like mad, with my hair all over the place, shaking like crazy. and pravin followed suit. and those smiles on our faces! (we were too breathless to laugh out loud i think, or if we did, we laughed breathlessly.) and whenever i think about that clip, i feel happy. because it reminds me that times like those existed in my life where i was so free and so happy and so crazy and young. makes me know i had it in me once and perhaps, still do.
i seem to be very reminiscent in these past few entries, huh? but it's nice to remember, sometimes. i don't want to let these memories slip away. as i grow older (i know i'm only 20), i realise how much easier it is to forget. we start getting so caught up with school, with our careers, with making impressions, getting the right contacts, bla, bla, bla...and we just forget. i know i've been forgetting alot.
and now remembering alot. it's all come at a really apt time. just as another insane term at smu was being wrapped up, the termites which ate up the cabinet forcing us to take out the old photos and albums, the death of a strange old man, the reminder from ofotos.com threatening to terminate my account, an email typed late one night, a wedding and god knows what else all converged to take me back to who i am. to take me back home...
"let the children come to me and do not stop them, because the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."
i am. home. heaven. god. hmmm....
just got back from my cousin's wedding reception. so many cute kids!!! all my little cousins and nephews!! at one point in time, i felt like i was a shepherd with many little sheep around my ankles. ok, they're not that small. but they were so funny and cheeky. pulling my scarf. giving me taps on my shoulder and running away. trying to scare me. showing off their "tattoos". telling me they want to go "shi shi". (i know what SOME of you reading are thinking, shhhh) haha...
the littler ones were in their own little worlds where they were the centres. when the photo montage was being screened, little joashie went up to the front and started dancing as though all the attention were on him. but that kid seriously knows how to groove! the 2-t0-4-year-olds were all acting grown-up around the babies, patting the babies' heads and rocking their baskets, talking to them in only words they could understand and screaming in their faces to wake them up and, beat this, putting their chests on the faces of the babies! (must be to try to breast-feed them or something!!! oh my gosh! these kids!!)
surjit is one funny guy. he always has a crazed look in his eyes. he took off his vest and put it on my head. then he ran away. his sister came and took the vest back to his mom. when surjit came back, he started asking around with a really bewildered and blur expression, "where is my raincoat??" raincoat! haha.
i remember there was once when these 3 siblings, surjit, sunil and sumeeta, came over to my house. their parents wanted to talk with my parents downstairs so i was entrusted to take care of them. i didn't know what to do so i whipped out the video cam and let each of them do some filming while the rest of us just jumped around shouting like hooligans and making monkey faces at the camera. i had to jump around and do all those stupid stuff too (cos i initiated it haha) and you could see by the end of that video, i was almost dead...but those kids, do kids ever get tired?? whenever i watch that video, i always shake my head at how silly we looked but inside, i'm really smiling and glad i captured this memory. who knows? ten to fifteen years down the road one day, one of them might be getting married, and this video might just appear on the screen at one of their wedding receptions. i bet when they are 27, they might have forgotten how crazy they used to be, how free..and when they watch it, they'll cover their faces under their napkins but i know that deep inside, they will be smiling too, as they remember how carefree and silly they used to be and that they once had that in them...
reminds me of one of my childhood videos. not sure whether i posted about this before. pravin and i were in our pyjamas and there was this little elephant playing drums (very noisily) and there we were "dancing". pravin used to follow whatever i did. jeevan wasn't born at that time. i was jumping around like mad, with my hair all over the place, shaking like crazy. and pravin followed suit. and those smiles on our faces! (we were too breathless to laugh out loud i think, or if we did, we laughed breathlessly.) and whenever i think about that clip, i feel happy. because it reminds me that times like those existed in my life where i was so free and so happy and so crazy and young. makes me know i had it in me once and perhaps, still do.
i seem to be very reminiscent in these past few entries, huh? but it's nice to remember, sometimes. i don't want to let these memories slip away. as i grow older (i know i'm only 20), i realise how much easier it is to forget. we start getting so caught up with school, with our careers, with making impressions, getting the right contacts, bla, bla, bla...and we just forget. i know i've been forgetting alot.
and now remembering alot. it's all come at a really apt time. just as another insane term at smu was being wrapped up, the termites which ate up the cabinet forcing us to take out the old photos and albums, the death of a strange old man, the reminder from ofotos.com threatening to terminate my account, an email typed late one night, a wedding and god knows what else all converged to take me back to who i am. to take me back home...
"let the children come to me and do not stop them, because the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."
i am. home. heaven. god. hmmm....
Friday, December 02, 2005
i went to pick up my cousin, her husband and their kids (my nephews) from the airport on tuesday night. they flew down from austalia to attend my cousin's wedding which is taking place tomorrow. i keep thinking about those kids...jesse, joash and josiah. they're so lovable and adorable and so full of colour and character! i wish i could spend some time with them...
i was thinking about photographs last night. i don't know why. and then it occured to me my account online was going to be deleted soon and i had better save all my photos. and i started thinking about the ones that i really cherished, which made me think about the photos i took at the childcare centre. i started thinking about those photos and each of the little kids there. i realised that it's been more than a year but i still miss them. each of them was so unique and crazy and i just loved them! and i started thinking about jade. the way she said hi to me in the mornings, the long lunches (i loved those lunches), her smallness, her imagination, the way she put the stickers on her forehead, the way she skipped, her big eyes, her dreaminess, her sensitivity, the way she hugged me on the last day after i put on her shoes for her and just before she ran off to her schoolbus...
i also thought about eden. the seemingly uncontrollable crazy lil boy whom i later found out could be calmed down by reading him storybooks. it all happened when i told jade to promise me she would finish her lunch quickly if i read her a storybook. and little eden started bringing me books from the shelf to read to him as well. and he would actually sit still and watch me and listen to me, his eyes all lit up, as i sat there and read stories. more and more kids started bringing books to me to read to them. it got a bit tiring. but it was nice. what's funny is they never got bored of the stories and always brought the same ones and would react as excitedly to them each time. it was amazing!
i thought about keefe and daniel, the two most difficult kids, who ended up being each other's companion. always fighting, and always playing together, and always fighting because of it. one was overfed, the other just had to get his way all the time. but they were sweet in their own ways.
i thought about sarah and her "o"-shaped mouth and her loudness and missing teeth. the poor girl, she never really meant to hurt anyone but she always got into trouble, like a little miss calamity jane. her grandpa would come and fetch her and her brother home everyday.
little danette was quiet but sweet. she always listened to me and did her work well. we loved fixing puzzles together after everyone had left and her brother liked to come in and show off but he was cute too.
josita was dreamy and blur and did crazy, random things which sometimes resulted in a mess.
there was also tristan, the mini big boss with the really cute, crackling voice. he had a very shy smile but he was like one of the regulars and the leader of the pack.
there was weiling, the quiet, shy and scared little girl. i remember her smile because it was so rare and it really brightened up her face and mine.
zylia was sometimes like a grown-up woman and sometimes like her 3-year-old self. when she cried, it was really quite deafening but other than that, she was really sweet and dependable.
ryan and his sister looked alike. when they smiled, their eyes disappeared. all the teachers loved ryan because he was so sweet and loony and his voice was one of a kind.
i remember the rides i got from eileen (my godma) to work each morning and how i'd run to the busstop every morning because i always woke up at the last minute. and the walk out to the gardens busstop after work, bumping into occasional friends or going to ntuc or something like that. i can't remember what i did for the rest of the day each day though.
i think i must've used "cute" a bajillion times in this post. don't know whether i missed out any kids. but these were mostly the kids i taught and worked with.
i still haven't started my revision for tomorrow's exam! research methods in social science. god bless me!
leaving for india in a few days. i hope merrill remembers to pass me his slr. i want to take my own pictures when i'm there. i don't really like being the video cam girl, it's so stressful! haha. i only like being the video cam girl when i make people do crazy things so i can film short crazy clips and laugh at them later. photos are different. there's just something magical about a photograph.
i spent some time talking to god last night (thanks for the contact, jeevan) and i found him really annoying. but addictive. haha. talk to him at your own risk. he can be quite sarcastic.
must. focus. FOCUS! (not the slr, my revision lar, haha.)
i was thinking about photographs last night. i don't know why. and then it occured to me my account online was going to be deleted soon and i had better save all my photos. and i started thinking about the ones that i really cherished, which made me think about the photos i took at the childcare centre. i started thinking about those photos and each of the little kids there. i realised that it's been more than a year but i still miss them. each of them was so unique and crazy and i just loved them! and i started thinking about jade. the way she said hi to me in the mornings, the long lunches (i loved those lunches), her smallness, her imagination, the way she put the stickers on her forehead, the way she skipped, her big eyes, her dreaminess, her sensitivity, the way she hugged me on the last day after i put on her shoes for her and just before she ran off to her schoolbus...
i also thought about eden. the seemingly uncontrollable crazy lil boy whom i later found out could be calmed down by reading him storybooks. it all happened when i told jade to promise me she would finish her lunch quickly if i read her a storybook. and little eden started bringing me books from the shelf to read to him as well. and he would actually sit still and watch me and listen to me, his eyes all lit up, as i sat there and read stories. more and more kids started bringing books to me to read to them. it got a bit tiring. but it was nice. what's funny is they never got bored of the stories and always brought the same ones and would react as excitedly to them each time. it was amazing!
i thought about keefe and daniel, the two most difficult kids, who ended up being each other's companion. always fighting, and always playing together, and always fighting because of it. one was overfed, the other just had to get his way all the time. but they were sweet in their own ways.
i thought about sarah and her "o"-shaped mouth and her loudness and missing teeth. the poor girl, she never really meant to hurt anyone but she always got into trouble, like a little miss calamity jane. her grandpa would come and fetch her and her brother home everyday.
little danette was quiet but sweet. she always listened to me and did her work well. we loved fixing puzzles together after everyone had left and her brother liked to come in and show off but he was cute too.
josita was dreamy and blur and did crazy, random things which sometimes resulted in a mess.
there was also tristan, the mini big boss with the really cute, crackling voice. he had a very shy smile but he was like one of the regulars and the leader of the pack.
there was weiling, the quiet, shy and scared little girl. i remember her smile because it was so rare and it really brightened up her face and mine.
zylia was sometimes like a grown-up woman and sometimes like her 3-year-old self. when she cried, it was really quite deafening but other than that, she was really sweet and dependable.
ryan and his sister looked alike. when they smiled, their eyes disappeared. all the teachers loved ryan because he was so sweet and loony and his voice was one of a kind.
i remember the rides i got from eileen (my godma) to work each morning and how i'd run to the busstop every morning because i always woke up at the last minute. and the walk out to the gardens busstop after work, bumping into occasional friends or going to ntuc or something like that. i can't remember what i did for the rest of the day each day though.
i think i must've used "cute" a bajillion times in this post. don't know whether i missed out any kids. but these were mostly the kids i taught and worked with.
i still haven't started my revision for tomorrow's exam! research methods in social science. god bless me!
leaving for india in a few days. i hope merrill remembers to pass me his slr. i want to take my own pictures when i'm there. i don't really like being the video cam girl, it's so stressful! haha. i only like being the video cam girl when i make people do crazy things so i can film short crazy clips and laugh at them later. photos are different. there's just something magical about a photograph.
i spent some time talking to god last night (thanks for the contact, jeevan) and i found him really annoying. but addictive. haha. talk to him at your own risk. he can be quite sarcastic.
must. focus. FOCUS! (not the slr, my revision lar, haha.)
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
i love driving but i can get so frustrated while driving. sometimes, i feel like the lousiest driver in the world when my mom sits beside me. she scolds me for every small little thing and panics and shrieks when she doesn't have to which always sends me into a panic and in that second, my heart literally stops. i know she means well but it makes me feel really lousy and when i feel that way, i really start to drive that way.
just now i almost met with an accident with a big truck. i needed to filter to the third lane so i could get onto the viaduct and i saw the truck coming but it was still about two car lengths away. i was filtering but it didn't slow down and i swerved back just in time to see its side slice past the car as my mom screamed. next thing i know i was stuck on the triangle separating the viaduct from the normal road, and my mom was scolding me for not listening to her.
i just felt so angry and so shitty. i always listen to her, and when i follow her instructions and as a consequence turn into a wrong lane, i get scolded for not reading the signs. when i don't listen, i get scolded also. i just feel like such a lousy driver and i know it's no big deal because some people don't even have the luxury of driving. but i hate feeling like this. i am angry at myself for not being able to drive better. for not being able to change lanes better. for asking her to let me drive back. for being angry at her. for crying in the car. for not being able to prove to her she doesn't have to keep nagging me when i'm driving. for not being assertive enough on the road. i am angry at the truck driver. and at all those other drivers who wouldn't give way to me when i was stuck on that triangle divider.
sigh, i know i sound like a brat (who says i'm not one anyway?). i just want so badly to prove that i can do it. but i keep proving her otherwise.
i have to be patient, i guess. (!!!!!) =/
just now i almost met with an accident with a big truck. i needed to filter to the third lane so i could get onto the viaduct and i saw the truck coming but it was still about two car lengths away. i was filtering but it didn't slow down and i swerved back just in time to see its side slice past the car as my mom screamed. next thing i know i was stuck on the triangle separating the viaduct from the normal road, and my mom was scolding me for not listening to her.
i just felt so angry and so shitty. i always listen to her, and when i follow her instructions and as a consequence turn into a wrong lane, i get scolded for not reading the signs. when i don't listen, i get scolded also. i just feel like such a lousy driver and i know it's no big deal because some people don't even have the luxury of driving. but i hate feeling like this. i am angry at myself for not being able to drive better. for not being able to change lanes better. for asking her to let me drive back. for being angry at her. for crying in the car. for not being able to prove to her she doesn't have to keep nagging me when i'm driving. for not being assertive enough on the road. i am angry at the truck driver. and at all those other drivers who wouldn't give way to me when i was stuck on that triangle divider.
sigh, i know i sound like a brat (who says i'm not one anyway?). i just want so badly to prove that i can do it. but i keep proving her otherwise.
i have to be patient, i guess. (!!!!!) =/
this is amazing! all these shireens coming to my blog! shireens of the world unite! haha. you know how we sometimes say "what's in a name?" i think names do matter. well, to a certain extent i guess. i mean, if i had been named elizabeth or ariana or rachel (my parents almost named me that) or mei ling or shanti or fatima, i think life would've been quite different. i would never have met some people. whether it's through this blog,(like shireen ruth from maryland or the other shireen), or in school (i would've been pre-assigned to other classes in smu and face the probability of never meeting the friends i have now since we are assigned in alphabetical order), or..well...you get the point. and seriously, life WOULD have been really different.
after reading shireen ruth's first comment, i decided to google myself on the net. so i just typed in "shireen"and i got a whole long list of results!pages and pages! at first, i felt cheated cos i wasn't special anymore (haha!). but after that, i was amazed and amused! i was a doctor, a dragqueen, a fire-spinner, a little girl scout, a divorced woman with 2 kids, an associate professor, a nude model, an interviewer on an abu dhabi channel, a child patriot.....
some cultures take naming really seriously. my mom told me that when i was first named, my aunty had to call all the way from the states to whisper my name three times into my ear through the phone(of course i was only a baby and my own name probably sounded like gibberish to me then) before it could be announced. for my brother(pravin), there was one big ceremony because he was a boy. (phew for me!)
a name can affect a person's whole life! some parents give their children really bizarre names and it affects their whole social life in school and they are the butt of jokes. (there are always bullies and cowards.) some people can fall in love because of a name. some people slide into a bad mood at the utterance of a particular name. the list goes on and on...
well, if you ask me..really...what's in a name? i don't believe you can know a person just by knowing his/her name. then again, since names have meanings, some names are appropriately given to certain people and they seem to encompass the meaning of their names. for others, they could be sub-consciously living according to the definition of their names. (some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy maybe?) perhaps it is an interaction of both or other factors. but still, it's not different from judging a book by its cover (though we judge correctly sometimes hehe). but well, what i can say is that even your name can change the course of your entire life! even if it has changed only a BIT, it has still changed.
but if you think about it, everything plays a part in moulding the course of your life. a name is only one thing. but still, it's just mind-blowing to think that this one thing can wreak such havoc and/or create so many beautiful moments in your life! imagine the whole universe of things! all the things you know, all the things you don't know and all the things that you don't know you don't know!
thanks, shireen ruth! your mere presence here inspired the thoughts for this post. =)
after reading shireen ruth's first comment, i decided to google myself on the net. so i just typed in "shireen"and i got a whole long list of results!pages and pages! at first, i felt cheated cos i wasn't special anymore (haha!). but after that, i was amazed and amused! i was a doctor, a dragqueen, a fire-spinner, a little girl scout, a divorced woman with 2 kids, an associate professor, a nude model, an interviewer on an abu dhabi channel, a child patriot.....
some cultures take naming really seriously. my mom told me that when i was first named, my aunty had to call all the way from the states to whisper my name three times into my ear through the phone(of course i was only a baby and my own name probably sounded like gibberish to me then) before it could be announced. for my brother(pravin), there was one big ceremony because he was a boy. (phew for me!)
a name can affect a person's whole life! some parents give their children really bizarre names and it affects their whole social life in school and they are the butt of jokes. (there are always bullies and cowards.) some people can fall in love because of a name. some people slide into a bad mood at the utterance of a particular name. the list goes on and on...
well, if you ask me..really...what's in a name? i don't believe you can know a person just by knowing his/her name. then again, since names have meanings, some names are appropriately given to certain people and they seem to encompass the meaning of their names. for others, they could be sub-consciously living according to the definition of their names. (some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy maybe?) perhaps it is an interaction of both or other factors. but still, it's not different from judging a book by its cover (though we judge correctly sometimes hehe). but well, what i can say is that even your name can change the course of your entire life! even if it has changed only a BIT, it has still changed.
but if you think about it, everything plays a part in moulding the course of your life. a name is only one thing. but still, it's just mind-blowing to think that this one thing can wreak such havoc and/or create so many beautiful moments in your life! imagine the whole universe of things! all the things you know, all the things you don't know and all the things that you don't know you don't know!
thanks, shireen ruth! your mere presence here inspired the thoughts for this post. =)
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Monday, November 28, 2005
i realised what that feeling was. in the previous post. it was like the feeling of...waiting to die. another state i never want to be in. of rot and decay. like the potato i found in a bag in my room this morning which freaked the hell out of me! when the fruits of procrastination ripen, methinks they'd pretty much look like that rotten potato which was left there for...(GASP!)...3 months!
i was searching for the gorillaz "clint eastwood" lyrics just now and came across a peculiar site. it was a site for people who claimed they had no friends and it actually had about 15 members or so. they were all really depressed and suicidal because they were so lonely and felt so unwanted, used and worthless. i'm sure some of us fall into that state sometimes. but for them, this loneliness, it's like a disease they can't shake off. as much as they have a part to play in this state of being (because i think loneliness is a state of mind), the rest of the world does too. every action has a consequence. everytime we marginalise someone, god knows what were are doing to that person. no, i don't think we can justify that.
help! ever since my mom bought a new adaptor and the keyboard came back to my room, i've been playing non-stop! now my back continuously aches cos i sit there too long with a really bad posture and my wrists really ache cos i think i play at a really weird angle. i don't know whether i'm making more noise or music but all i have to do is glance at the keyboard and i'm whacking the keys in a frenzy the next second. exams start in 3 days.
and end in 5 days! woohoo!
i was searching for the gorillaz "clint eastwood" lyrics just now and came across a peculiar site. it was a site for people who claimed they had no friends and it actually had about 15 members or so. they were all really depressed and suicidal because they were so lonely and felt so unwanted, used and worthless. i'm sure some of us fall into that state sometimes. but for them, this loneliness, it's like a disease they can't shake off. as much as they have a part to play in this state of being (because i think loneliness is a state of mind), the rest of the world does too. every action has a consequence. everytime we marginalise someone, god knows what were are doing to that person. no, i don't think we can justify that.
help! ever since my mom bought a new adaptor and the keyboard came back to my room, i've been playing non-stop! now my back continuously aches cos i sit there too long with a really bad posture and my wrists really ache cos i think i play at a really weird angle. i don't know whether i'm making more noise or music but all i have to do is glance at the keyboard and i'm whacking the keys in a frenzy the next second. exams start in 3 days.
and end in 5 days! woohoo!
today (as in sunday), we found out why there was nothing going on in that house. the wake was apparently at nativity church and so we made our way down there just now and got to meet, amongst others, his family. i wanted to know so much. to solve the mystery behind uncle vincent. he lay there resting in his coffin like any other would, and funnily, despite all his unique and bizarre idiosyncrasies, his death had made him common to us.
his still body, his closed eyes, his sealed lips. he was really gone. what really fascinates me when i see a dead body (no i don't have a morbid fascination with doing so) is its stillness. looking at the stillness of uncle vincent's body, it just really hit me that our bodies really are but just earthen vessels. you could tell that he really wasn't there in that body anymore.
wonder why i'm in this body.
i just know this is not it. i know i want to be so much more. i know i need something to hit me deeply. DEEPLY. again. to resuscitate whatever it is that's falling into a comatose and dying inside of me. it's not as dramatic as it sounds but sometimes, i just feel so old and defeated. i feel like a shrinking balloon, once totally filled and high on life's helium, now slowly shrinking and deflating, sinking lower and lower towards the cement. and it's not that someone has burst this balloon or it has been filled with some kind of toxic gas. it's just that..that "magical helium" that was there and still is, just seems to be slipping away through some invisible hole i can't see. what is it and where?
haha. this made me start wondering why helium balloons shrink over time. i came up with a theory and don't know whether it is right but you can correct me if i'm wrong. i think its because the molecules lose energy, perhaps due to a lowering in temperature, causing the molecules to lack the energy to overcome the strong forces of inter-molecular attraction, thus causing them to come closer together, thus causing a decrease in volume and thus, an overall shrinking in the size of the balloon. and an increase in density which weighs it down and causes it to sink. wonder if pressure plays a part too. like does external pressure push down on the sides, causing the molecules to get closer together? hmmm... haha, shireen you are driving the poor reader mad with your gibberish entries!
anyway, thinking about the physics of shrinking helium balloons has made me realise that perhaps i need to re-energise and replenish. my magical helium lacks energy and my soul is getting heavier. i can feel it. stagnation! yes! i think bingo that's what's happening. haha, all those dash-random thoughts just to realise it was that. sometime ago when i was reading my past entries, i remember that there was this line that i typed a few times. that stagnant waters were really the breeding grounds for bloodsuckers. (literally, too) ok i have to remember this more often!
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
now, the question is...how?
his still body, his closed eyes, his sealed lips. he was really gone. what really fascinates me when i see a dead body (no i don't have a morbid fascination with doing so) is its stillness. looking at the stillness of uncle vincent's body, it just really hit me that our bodies really are but just earthen vessels. you could tell that he really wasn't there in that body anymore.
wonder why i'm in this body.
i just know this is not it. i know i want to be so much more. i know i need something to hit me deeply. DEEPLY. again. to resuscitate whatever it is that's falling into a comatose and dying inside of me. it's not as dramatic as it sounds but sometimes, i just feel so old and defeated. i feel like a shrinking balloon, once totally filled and high on life's helium, now slowly shrinking and deflating, sinking lower and lower towards the cement. and it's not that someone has burst this balloon or it has been filled with some kind of toxic gas. it's just that..that "magical helium" that was there and still is, just seems to be slipping away through some invisible hole i can't see. what is it and where?
haha. this made me start wondering why helium balloons shrink over time. i came up with a theory and don't know whether it is right but you can correct me if i'm wrong. i think its because the molecules lose energy, perhaps due to a lowering in temperature, causing the molecules to lack the energy to overcome the strong forces of inter-molecular attraction, thus causing them to come closer together, thus causing a decrease in volume and thus, an overall shrinking in the size of the balloon. and an increase in density which weighs it down and causes it to sink. wonder if pressure plays a part too. like does external pressure push down on the sides, causing the molecules to get closer together? hmmm... haha, shireen you are driving the poor reader mad with your gibberish entries!
anyway, thinking about the physics of shrinking helium balloons has made me realise that perhaps i need to re-energise and replenish. my magical helium lacks energy and my soul is getting heavier. i can feel it. stagnation! yes! i think bingo that's what's happening. haha, all those dash-random thoughts just to realise it was that. sometime ago when i was reading my past entries, i remember that there was this line that i typed a few times. that stagnant waters were really the breeding grounds for bloodsuckers. (literally, too) ok i have to remember this more often!
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
now, the question is...how?
Sunday, November 27, 2005
on monday night, i watched trainspotting. (as you might have read previously) in other words though, you can say that on monday night, i watched people injecting themselves for almost 2 hours. then, over the past few days, i underwent a total of 3 jabs myself. for vaccinations against typhoid, flu and hep A. my parents want us to have all these jabs as protection before we fly off in about a week's time or so.
on thursday night, aunty and mama came across my rgs year 2001 yearbook. i was flipping through and found a picture i had not seen there earlier. it was at our farewell assembly and there was a big picture of me hugging miss leow! how come i didn't see that earlier?? ANYWAY, this is not the point of this paragraph. i was putting my yearbook back into the cupboard and the sight of my booklet from my US school fieldtrip in year 2000 greeted my sight. it made me recall an incident of how i got a scolding from a teacher one night for some stupid thing which made me feel bad the whole night. that booklet was like my diary for that trip. we were made to write in it everyday. i started reading it and suddenly, everything just started coming back to me. it was a really great trip and the first time i had been away from my family for so long. then, next day, i was in school "mugging" for the first time this week when melt msns me. "wanna go work and travel in US?" i go, "really? ok!" and so the next day, (which is today which is saturday), we made our way down and signed up for it. looks like i'll be away for 3 months in the states next summer. to think that i was reading my US fieldtrip journal the night before haha. (ooops, better get down to telling papa)
(but aiyar, pravin's going into the army, and if i'm going to the states, then jeevan how? and then, there's also the camps and all that, what with some of our dear friends leaving us soon too. but will there ever be a RIGHT time?)
also, the topic of elderly dying has been replaying ever since i read junkhoo's entry about her late grandma. today, i was in the office in church stapling some stuff together with colin when a few people came in and started talking about this guy who passed away. and that he had cancer before and fell into a relapse and all that. discussing whether padre pio was going down and stuff. i wasn't really listening. just caught those. then i looked at colin and his mouth was agape. "uncle vincent!"
"who's uncle vincent?" i said.
"that guy, lar. the white-haired man. always go for mass."
uncle vincent's passing has been such a mystery. as was his life. he really made me smile everytime i saw him though. he used to play his recorder at the busstop while waiting for his bus after mass. before mass, he'd randomly go up to anyone sitting outside the canteen and talk to them about anything and everything. noone really understood but we all had a clue he was actually very smart. recipes, history, maths, he never ran out of topics. he'd talk to himself alot but i don't think he was actually intending to talk to himself. i think he really wanted to share everything he knew with anyone and everyone and it didn't matter whether we were really listening or not. no matter what though, he'd faithfully come for mass everyday. many stories have been passed around about his past and what made him this way. stories about his family. his mom. a deceased wife. all that. but i wonder whether anyone really knew.
just now, we decided to go to his wake. but even the most well-informed people in church didn't really know where he stayed. finally, we got the name of a road and managed to find the house. but there was no wake. no coffin. everything looked normal. we looked like a bunch of hooligans in terence's van waiting outside his house and peering in, bewildered at the lack of activity. funnily, we already knew the funeral day and time. there was just no wake at that house though. strange.
whatever it is, i really thank god for allowing me to have experienced the wonderful, colourful, intriguing uncle vincent. i wish i could've known him better. let him ramble a bit more to me. listen more to his simple recorder tunes. isn't that what we always say? i hope he's happy where he is now.
the funny thing is, that he probably didn't even know any of our names and perhaps didn't even know we existed. yet, we all know him and grieve his passing and rejoice in the gift he was to us all.
this post wasn't really supposed to turn into a tribute to uncle vincent. it was supposed to be about the strange coincidences of the week. the "omens", signs. (if you read the alchemist though one particular soul out there surely recommends you do not haha =p) well, nothing really is a coincidence in shireen's world.
god bless, uncle vincent!
and god bless you. good night!
on thursday night, aunty and mama came across my rgs year 2001 yearbook. i was flipping through and found a picture i had not seen there earlier. it was at our farewell assembly and there was a big picture of me hugging miss leow! how come i didn't see that earlier?? ANYWAY, this is not the point of this paragraph. i was putting my yearbook back into the cupboard and the sight of my booklet from my US school fieldtrip in year 2000 greeted my sight. it made me recall an incident of how i got a scolding from a teacher one night for some stupid thing which made me feel bad the whole night. that booklet was like my diary for that trip. we were made to write in it everyday. i started reading it and suddenly, everything just started coming back to me. it was a really great trip and the first time i had been away from my family for so long. then, next day, i was in school "mugging" for the first time this week when melt msns me. "wanna go work and travel in US?" i go, "really? ok!" and so the next day, (which is today which is saturday), we made our way down and signed up for it. looks like i'll be away for 3 months in the states next summer. to think that i was reading my US fieldtrip journal the night before haha. (ooops, better get down to telling papa)
(but aiyar, pravin's going into the army, and if i'm going to the states, then jeevan how? and then, there's also the camps and all that, what with some of our dear friends leaving us soon too. but will there ever be a RIGHT time?)
also, the topic of elderly dying has been replaying ever since i read junkhoo's entry about her late grandma. today, i was in the office in church stapling some stuff together with colin when a few people came in and started talking about this guy who passed away. and that he had cancer before and fell into a relapse and all that. discussing whether padre pio was going down and stuff. i wasn't really listening. just caught those. then i looked at colin and his mouth was agape. "uncle vincent!"
"who's uncle vincent?" i said.
"that guy, lar. the white-haired man. always go for mass."
uncle vincent's passing has been such a mystery. as was his life. he really made me smile everytime i saw him though. he used to play his recorder at the busstop while waiting for his bus after mass. before mass, he'd randomly go up to anyone sitting outside the canteen and talk to them about anything and everything. noone really understood but we all had a clue he was actually very smart. recipes, history, maths, he never ran out of topics. he'd talk to himself alot but i don't think he was actually intending to talk to himself. i think he really wanted to share everything he knew with anyone and everyone and it didn't matter whether we were really listening or not. no matter what though, he'd faithfully come for mass everyday. many stories have been passed around about his past and what made him this way. stories about his family. his mom. a deceased wife. all that. but i wonder whether anyone really knew.
just now, we decided to go to his wake. but even the most well-informed people in church didn't really know where he stayed. finally, we got the name of a road and managed to find the house. but there was no wake. no coffin. everything looked normal. we looked like a bunch of hooligans in terence's van waiting outside his house and peering in, bewildered at the lack of activity. funnily, we already knew the funeral day and time. there was just no wake at that house though. strange.
whatever it is, i really thank god for allowing me to have experienced the wonderful, colourful, intriguing uncle vincent. i wish i could've known him better. let him ramble a bit more to me. listen more to his simple recorder tunes. isn't that what we always say? i hope he's happy where he is now.
the funny thing is, that he probably didn't even know any of our names and perhaps didn't even know we existed. yet, we all know him and grieve his passing and rejoice in the gift he was to us all.
this post wasn't really supposed to turn into a tribute to uncle vincent. it was supposed to be about the strange coincidences of the week. the "omens", signs. (if you read the alchemist though one particular soul out there surely recommends you do not haha =p) well, nothing really is a coincidence in shireen's world.
god bless, uncle vincent!
and god bless you. good night!
Friday, November 25, 2005
gosh is it noisy in here. or out there.
such small, trivial, mundane things. is it really worth it? is it?
sad, huh? actually kind of sucks. i'm guilty of it too. people try to help us but we snap at them and curse them and call them all sorts of names and are so quick to blame but far toooo slow to forgive, like it was our right to in the first place.
makes you sick in the stomach to see such things going on. doesn't have to be something you've watched on tv. can be closer than you actually think. makes me sick to know that i have it in me to be like that too. makes me so sick that i never want to be like that no more.
just listen for one second at least. it's just getting way too noisy.
such small, trivial, mundane things. is it really worth it? is it?
sad, huh? actually kind of sucks. i'm guilty of it too. people try to help us but we snap at them and curse them and call them all sorts of names and are so quick to blame but far toooo slow to forgive, like it was our right to in the first place.
makes you sick in the stomach to see such things going on. doesn't have to be something you've watched on tv. can be closer than you actually think. makes me sick to know that i have it in me to be like that too. makes me so sick that i never want to be like that no more.
just listen for one second at least. it's just getting way too noisy.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
i reckon my system's been overloaded with enough irish/scottish screenplays for me to attain a full-blown cockney accent. it all started when merrill and i couldn't find any decent quality vcd/dvd to watch and so, we simply settled on the best quality one. (not talking about movie quality here) guy ritchie's snatch. bloody murder! literally. but really stylo. thus whetting my appetite for lock, stock and two smokin' barrels. and then, just a few minutes ago, it was trainspotting. (yea pretty slow i know but i think it was fate that i watched all these movies at one go at this one point of time in my life. you reckon? i don't why i keep using the word "reckon".) i don't know man but i feel...wasted. just watching all these shows where everyone's wasted and high and violent and mad and...i don't know man...but one thing about these shows...the cinematography, and music (MUSIC!), and originality. (those were a few things) really captivates and strikes a chord within. you think you're wasting your time for those 2 hours because the main characters all seem to be wasting their lives away for those 2 hours too but really, these movies, this is what movie-making should be about.
but one thing these movies do to me. (that's another thing) they leave a sobering effect. i know i just said i felt wasted. but really...it's a sobering kind of wasted feeling. it's the sobering kind of wasted when you REALISE you feel wasted (and ARE wasted.) and then you feel the most wasted, because reality smacks, whacks, bushwhacks you in the face. and you wake up to the harsh horrors, to all the waste left behind, which seemed to have materialised from out of nowhere. but was there all the while. yes, the truth is, watching those shows, you'd think, "nar, those guys are far worse off and more wasted than i'll ever be." and you wonder why after one hour you're still watching. but you, ok, i realise that there's a little of each or one or some of those whackos in me. the part of me that likes lying around, watching life go by, stoned, glassy-eyed...the part of me that's scared, and is always looking for an escape, waiting, hoping...dreaming...truth be told, you don't need drugs to reach that state.
i'm talking about more than just being wasted. i'm talking about the way we lie to ourselves (and others) and the way we kid ourselves(and others), seeking alternate realities and quick reliefs and port keys (like the ones in harry potter), all sugar-coated and iced with justifications, blame, self-pity, "i can't do anything about it"s, "i'm just like this"s, bla, bla, bla. (such condiments hardly seem appetising if you ask me.) for those few moments, they're our passports to bliss and paradise, away from the hellhole we call life. and when the orgasmic effects of the drug wears out, and the anger dies away, and when you have don't even have any shit left to throw at people, you wonder why it's all so unbearable. i told you, you don't need drugs to reach this state.
you know like, when you wake up from a hangover, you feel terrible. you feel worse than you did while doing the dirty deed. you wake up in the morning and see the puke on the floor (which isn't your floor), and your clothes (which is on the floor), and you smell it in your hair (the puke, that is, amongst other things). you dread seeing the rest of the mess you left behind from the night before. but it's not the last of it. you puke your guts out the whole day and wish you could die. you vow never to drink again. that's the sobering kind of wasted feeling.
we tell ourselves we'll never repeat the same mistake. never be a jerk again. never fall into that black hole again. never kill again. never lie again. never smoke again. never this, never that. and then, one day, you slip a little. only a little, you say. one more day, you say. one more week, one more month, one more year, one more century...one whole lifetime passes you by and you haven't gotten anywhere, or worse, worse off from where you were before.
the sobering kind of wasted feeling works in more than one way. 1) you wake up and conquer it and walk on, never turning behind. 2) you wake up and conquer it and walk on and turn behind once twice a few times, and you either fall again or you finally never ever turn behind. 3) you wake up, it's too bright, and you pull the sheets over your eyes again and try to go back to sleep. only you never really go back to sleep because you're in that torturous limbo state where you can't sleep and don't want to wake up. 4) you OD.
i reckon i fall between 2) and 3). we'd all love to be in 1). lets hope we never reach 4).
i was/am/may be so close to turning behind. but for this one sobering moment, i was reminded that i told myself before that i'm never going back there. i'm worth more than that, really.
(i reckon i might be afflicted with some disorder that makes me take on the role of a character i've just watched in a movie. it even spreads to the way my eyes look at you. (eeeks) the manner of this post seems to be a testimony to that. aye?)
p.s. funny that starsailor's "coming down" starts playing on my computer as a dramatic ending to this post which never seems to end. the end.
If you don't mind
Could we not fight?
I see you're close woman
In the night
I'm sober
Still alive
Waste your days
On your own
Getting drunk getting stoned
I'm sober
Still alone
Must I always take a back seat?
Must I always be your clown?
Did you ever really love me?
Were you always coming down?
See your face
See your eyes
Shouldn't have left
Shouldn't have lied
I'm sober
Spirit's died
but one thing these movies do to me. (that's another thing) they leave a sobering effect. i know i just said i felt wasted. but really...it's a sobering kind of wasted feeling. it's the sobering kind of wasted when you REALISE you feel wasted (and ARE wasted.) and then you feel the most wasted, because reality smacks, whacks, bushwhacks you in the face. and you wake up to the harsh horrors, to all the waste left behind, which seemed to have materialised from out of nowhere. but was there all the while. yes, the truth is, watching those shows, you'd think, "nar, those guys are far worse off and more wasted than i'll ever be." and you wonder why after one hour you're still watching. but you, ok, i realise that there's a little of each or one or some of those whackos in me. the part of me that likes lying around, watching life go by, stoned, glassy-eyed...the part of me that's scared, and is always looking for an escape, waiting, hoping...dreaming...truth be told, you don't need drugs to reach that state.
i'm talking about more than just being wasted. i'm talking about the way we lie to ourselves (and others) and the way we kid ourselves(and others), seeking alternate realities and quick reliefs and port keys (like the ones in harry potter), all sugar-coated and iced with justifications, blame, self-pity, "i can't do anything about it"s, "i'm just like this"s, bla, bla, bla. (such condiments hardly seem appetising if you ask me.) for those few moments, they're our passports to bliss and paradise, away from the hellhole we call life. and when the orgasmic effects of the drug wears out, and the anger dies away, and when you have don't even have any shit left to throw at people, you wonder why it's all so unbearable. i told you, you don't need drugs to reach this state.
you know like, when you wake up from a hangover, you feel terrible. you feel worse than you did while doing the dirty deed. you wake up in the morning and see the puke on the floor (which isn't your floor), and your clothes (which is on the floor), and you smell it in your hair (the puke, that is, amongst other things). you dread seeing the rest of the mess you left behind from the night before. but it's not the last of it. you puke your guts out the whole day and wish you could die. you vow never to drink again. that's the sobering kind of wasted feeling.
we tell ourselves we'll never repeat the same mistake. never be a jerk again. never fall into that black hole again. never kill again. never lie again. never smoke again. never this, never that. and then, one day, you slip a little. only a little, you say. one more day, you say. one more week, one more month, one more year, one more century...one whole lifetime passes you by and you haven't gotten anywhere, or worse, worse off from where you were before.
the sobering kind of wasted feeling works in more than one way. 1) you wake up and conquer it and walk on, never turning behind. 2) you wake up and conquer it and walk on and turn behind once twice a few times, and you either fall again or you finally never ever turn behind. 3) you wake up, it's too bright, and you pull the sheets over your eyes again and try to go back to sleep. only you never really go back to sleep because you're in that torturous limbo state where you can't sleep and don't want to wake up. 4) you OD.
i reckon i fall between 2) and 3). we'd all love to be in 1). lets hope we never reach 4).
i was/am/may be so close to turning behind. but for this one sobering moment, i was reminded that i told myself before that i'm never going back there. i'm worth more than that, really.
(i reckon i might be afflicted with some disorder that makes me take on the role of a character i've just watched in a movie. it even spreads to the way my eyes look at you. (eeeks) the manner of this post seems to be a testimony to that. aye?)
p.s. funny that starsailor's "coming down" starts playing on my computer as a dramatic ending to this post which never seems to end. the end.
If you don't mind
Could we not fight?
I see you're close woman
In the night
I'm sober
Still alive
Waste your days
On your own
Getting drunk getting stoned
I'm sober
Still alone
Must I always take a back seat?
Must I always be your clown?
Did you ever really love me?
Were you always coming down?
See your face
See your eyes
Shouldn't have left
Shouldn't have lied
I'm sober
Spirit's died
Monday, November 21, 2005
jeremy wanted to go play soccer today and i told him to go ahead and do it because for the first sunday in a long time, i had the liberty of taking an afternoon nap and he had the liberty of playing soccer. but he said that i was a bad influence instead! anyway, later, he asked me whether i wanted to go play too and i asked whether there would be any other girls and he said no. and me being a GIRL, said no galpals so no thanks. but it immediately brought me to a flashback of one sunny afternoon in khaolak, thailand earlier this year. we had just finished a "hard" day's work and were waiting for the song diao (open-air bus/van/lorry thingy) to fetch us back to our accomodations. a bunch of the guys went onto the mini open field with the two goal posts and started playing their own game of soccer. sheryl, the braver of us two, said hey lets go play! shireen said erm okaaaay.
next thing we were on the field playing with and against the guys and then a young thai girl by the name of naam (which means water) came up to us and tried to communicate to us that she wanted to play. so she joined us. and my gosh she was good! she could really dribble. and when she scored a goal, to mock the other team, she got down on all fours and used her head to roll the ball into the goal. and that became her trademark throughout the game. all we could do was stare in wide-eyed wonder at this little bare-footed village girl as she dashed about like lightning and exuded her charming and disarming presence on that pitch. those were the days man...those were the days...i think i left that place permanently changed. i think everyday leaves me permanently changed in some way.
people, movies, stories, accidents, songs, nature, the weather, termites, stars, internet, driving, msn conversations, loneliness, fear, poverty, love.....everything has the power to inspire and transform, to give courage to dream and explore and define new limits or overcome them....someone once told me...that my life is like a flower, as is my mind and my heart. and that they're all the same one flower. and all i had to do was just open it up and see how beautiful it was...
it sounded good then but i couldn't really understand it. but as the days go on and as the flower slowly blooms, i am slowly beginning to understand it and to see. one day, this flower shall die. but it will go back into the earth and nourish the soil for new ones to grow and though noone may remember it one day, it will continue to live on because after all, you could say that in that case, we are all actually the same one flower. don't ask me about reincarnation or next lives. i don't know anything about them. i just know that every action of mine has an eternal consequence...
a guy i got to know this term because he was in one of my project groups shared with me his inspirational story in the very recent past. i asked him to share it with me to help another friend who needed hope and inspiration. and he so graciously and generously obliged. i always felt there was something special about him and i really wanted to know what it was and the time finally came, rather aptly too. he also sent me a link and told me to read steve job's speech at stanford university's commencement. here's an excerpt...
"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. "
on wednesday, a sense of peace and excitement reigned in my restlessly-beating heart. it was simply the realisation that everything IS perfect. imperfections and lack of wholeness were all just states of mind. and as i type this now, i realise that i have been taught this before. nothing is an accident and everything is so relevant. the most annoyingly irritating person in your life...is a gift too.
next thing we were on the field playing with and against the guys and then a young thai girl by the name of naam (which means water) came up to us and tried to communicate to us that she wanted to play. so she joined us. and my gosh she was good! she could really dribble. and when she scored a goal, to mock the other team, she got down on all fours and used her head to roll the ball into the goal. and that became her trademark throughout the game. all we could do was stare in wide-eyed wonder at this little bare-footed village girl as she dashed about like lightning and exuded her charming and disarming presence on that pitch. those were the days man...those were the days...i think i left that place permanently changed. i think everyday leaves me permanently changed in some way.
people, movies, stories, accidents, songs, nature, the weather, termites, stars, internet, driving, msn conversations, loneliness, fear, poverty, love.....everything has the power to inspire and transform, to give courage to dream and explore and define new limits or overcome them....someone once told me...that my life is like a flower, as is my mind and my heart. and that they're all the same one flower. and all i had to do was just open it up and see how beautiful it was...
it sounded good then but i couldn't really understand it. but as the days go on and as the flower slowly blooms, i am slowly beginning to understand it and to see. one day, this flower shall die. but it will go back into the earth and nourish the soil for new ones to grow and though noone may remember it one day, it will continue to live on because after all, you could say that in that case, we are all actually the same one flower. don't ask me about reincarnation or next lives. i don't know anything about them. i just know that every action of mine has an eternal consequence...
a guy i got to know this term because he was in one of my project groups shared with me his inspirational story in the very recent past. i asked him to share it with me to help another friend who needed hope and inspiration. and he so graciously and generously obliged. i always felt there was something special about him and i really wanted to know what it was and the time finally came, rather aptly too. he also sent me a link and told me to read steve job's speech at stanford university's commencement. here's an excerpt...
"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. "
on wednesday, a sense of peace and excitement reigned in my restlessly-beating heart. it was simply the realisation that everything IS perfect. imperfections and lack of wholeness were all just states of mind. and as i type this now, i realise that i have been taught this before. nothing is an accident and everything is so relevant. the most annoyingly irritating person in your life...is a gift too.
Monday, November 07, 2005
over the past few weeks or so, there were so many times when i just wished i could go "home". hours and hours on end spent in school, a place where you can practically call home, with all sorts of people. you have no choice (although you actually do) but really, you have no choice. i know i have to be here and i know i have to do what i have to do but all the time, the temptation of running away, running home, just gets stronger and stronger.
it's like, being thrown out into a jungle or into the deep blue sea or onto a safari. maybe you're too busy at first. too busy dealing with the thrill, fear, anxiety and excitement of such chaos. but after a while, you know you just want to go back to what you know. you just want to go back home.
i was telling janice. i don't why i was but i was telling janice. that i feel like a missionary who's been away from home for so long and just needs to go back home to something familiar. a lonely missionary. i did tell her that perhaps, missionary was too honourable an analogy. haha. but seriously, imagine what it must be like for foreign workers. like those who come to singapore to be construction workers. the moment they touch down, they're immediately thrown into chaos. the living conditions they put up with, the measly salary they worked hours on end under the sun for, the lack of freedom, the sudden immense distance between them and their loved ones, the few minutes of calling home from public homes to shout a few words that don't say alot but mean so much because of the mere connection to something familiar, the ill treatments, the way the public looks at them. and they thought they had finally reached paradise. imagine what they go through and my gosh, shireen, what were you saying?
don't be mistaken though. there's so much i am thankful for! so many things were accomplished over the week, taking away some of the weight, but i'm just missing something so much. i wish i knew what i was missing. friends seem so far away even though i see them all around everyday. it's not that i don't appreciate them. i don't even know who or what i am in their eyes sometimes anyway. there are all these circles around me but i feel like i'm in my own even though i talk to a gazillion people each day. maybe i'm missing a real kind of connection. there's really nothing at the surface. i just feel, in the words of a famous cliche, so near and yet...so far...
like a little girl sitting in the backseat of the car on a long journey home, persistently asking her father, "are we home yet?" even when it's not going to change a thing.
maybe it's because i'm moody and sleepy and tired and restless and it's 3.36am in the morning... i don't want to turn into a bitter, selfish and grumpy brat. i'm almost reaching the finish line. please don't let me stall now...
it's like, being thrown out into a jungle or into the deep blue sea or onto a safari. maybe you're too busy at first. too busy dealing with the thrill, fear, anxiety and excitement of such chaos. but after a while, you know you just want to go back to what you know. you just want to go back home.
i was telling janice. i don't why i was but i was telling janice. that i feel like a missionary who's been away from home for so long and just needs to go back home to something familiar. a lonely missionary. i did tell her that perhaps, missionary was too honourable an analogy. haha. but seriously, imagine what it must be like for foreign workers. like those who come to singapore to be construction workers. the moment they touch down, they're immediately thrown into chaos. the living conditions they put up with, the measly salary they worked hours on end under the sun for, the lack of freedom, the sudden immense distance between them and their loved ones, the few minutes of calling home from public homes to shout a few words that don't say alot but mean so much because of the mere connection to something familiar, the ill treatments, the way the public looks at them. and they thought they had finally reached paradise. imagine what they go through and my gosh, shireen, what were you saying?
don't be mistaken though. there's so much i am thankful for! so many things were accomplished over the week, taking away some of the weight, but i'm just missing something so much. i wish i knew what i was missing. friends seem so far away even though i see them all around everyday. it's not that i don't appreciate them. i don't even know who or what i am in their eyes sometimes anyway. there are all these circles around me but i feel like i'm in my own even though i talk to a gazillion people each day. maybe i'm missing a real kind of connection. there's really nothing at the surface. i just feel, in the words of a famous cliche, so near and yet...so far...
like a little girl sitting in the backseat of the car on a long journey home, persistently asking her father, "are we home yet?" even when it's not going to change a thing.
maybe it's because i'm moody and sleepy and tired and restless and it's 3.36am in the morning... i don't want to turn into a bitter, selfish and grumpy brat. i'm almost reaching the finish line. please don't let me stall now...
Friday, November 04, 2005
see, shireen. that's what happens when you don't read instructions. carefully. completely. careless mistakes in exams, queuing up in the wrong queues, going to places on the wrong days at the wrong times, missing out on important deadlines and events...
and now, a very stuffed up nose.
i bought a pack of Febs yesterday before my marketing meeting and popped a pill into my mouth. then a few more in between last night and now. and yet, my cold only seemed to get worse. then just 5 to 10 minutes ago, as i was about to pop another Febs pill into my mouth, i decided to read the box out of curiousity, because sometimes, i just like to read things for the sake of it. and i realised that i had been reading the wrong instructions all along. i had only read part of the instructions the first time. the part which was meant for kids under 12 (but of course i thought it was meant for me), and tried to make sure i followed the instructions properly so i wouldn't OD or something. so i had been taking one pill, 3 times a day, making sure to never exceed 4. but guess what? i didn't read the first part of the instructions which was addressed to adults and children over 12 years. "two tablets to be swallowed followed by one or two tablets every four hours until symptoms disappear."
bravo, shireen!
i think i always try to finish and get over things fast. and in doing so, i always try to find the fastest, shortest and easiest way possible. basically, i strongly believe in the principle of parsimony but i think that one can only say that one is practising such a principle if one has completely explored and understood all the possible options and then chosen the shortest, easiest and best one. me? perhaps i'm so impatient that i cut short the exploration and understanding part.
to myself: stop taking shortcuts unless you've explored and understood it all! now, go and sleep!
and now, a very stuffed up nose.
i bought a pack of Febs yesterday before my marketing meeting and popped a pill into my mouth. then a few more in between last night and now. and yet, my cold only seemed to get worse. then just 5 to 10 minutes ago, as i was about to pop another Febs pill into my mouth, i decided to read the box out of curiousity, because sometimes, i just like to read things for the sake of it. and i realised that i had been reading the wrong instructions all along. i had only read part of the instructions the first time. the part which was meant for kids under 12 (but of course i thought it was meant for me), and tried to make sure i followed the instructions properly so i wouldn't OD or something. so i had been taking one pill, 3 times a day, making sure to never exceed 4. but guess what? i didn't read the first part of the instructions which was addressed to adults and children over 12 years. "two tablets to be swallowed followed by one or two tablets every four hours until symptoms disappear."
bravo, shireen!
i think i always try to finish and get over things fast. and in doing so, i always try to find the fastest, shortest and easiest way possible. basically, i strongly believe in the principle of parsimony but i think that one can only say that one is practising such a principle if one has completely explored and understood all the possible options and then chosen the shortest, easiest and best one. me? perhaps i'm so impatient that i cut short the exploration and understanding part.
to myself: stop taking shortcuts unless you've explored and understood it all! now, go and sleep!
Thursday, November 03, 2005
SMU looks like a high-tech refugee camp now. it's a public holiday (selamat hari raya to all my muslim friends!) and the library is closed and i think that ALL the GSRs (group study rooms) in the whole campus are occupied. there are students strewn everywhere, all along the corridoors, connected to their only lifeline these days, their laptops. students on the benches, students on the floor, students pulling benches along the corridoors to use as tables. some have come for classes, some have come for project meetings, some have come to study, and perhaps some who just LOVE school too much and have chosen to come anyway.
and they have the nerve to call it a holiday. haha.
my nose is blocked like a blocked-up nose! (haha, that's what we call a joyce-khoo-simile) i think i sound like darth vadar because i can only breathe through my mouth. awesome ah!(that's what you call a jeremy expression)
jeremy is calling me to go into the stupid aircon room to do our project now but i like sitting out here along the corridoor, listening to the noisy traffic and horny cars and breathing in the smog-filled air (which i can't really smell anyway). i think i got myself a pretty good seat out here. i think i'll come out here again later to do more nonsense....
happy holidays!
and they have the nerve to call it a holiday. haha.
my nose is blocked like a blocked-up nose! (haha, that's what we call a joyce-khoo-simile) i think i sound like darth vadar because i can only breathe through my mouth. awesome ah!(that's what you call a jeremy expression)
jeremy is calling me to go into the stupid aircon room to do our project now but i like sitting out here along the corridoor, listening to the noisy traffic and horny cars and breathing in the smog-filled air (which i can't really smell anyway). i think i got myself a pretty good seat out here. i think i'll come out here again later to do more nonsense....
happy holidays!
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
i was trying to park raymond's car just now and raymond and adrian (who were both in the car) kept panicking me and i was getting confused with the steering wheel and raymond was trying to help me steer at the same time and it looked as if he was trying to be the hero and save us all. as if that wasn't funny enough, here's the funnier part. in the midst of trying to park, i accidentally banged my hand on the horn and the poor couple in the car infront were wondering what their crime had been while i laughed and laughed like a maniac even before i had finished parking as raymond continued to steer and remind me of what a loser i was.
jeremy and i were filling up our organisers today with all the things we had to do over the next few weeks and with every new entry, we wanted to cry! "can i go to church with you?" jeremy said. "i need jesus also, only God can help me now!" and i laughed until i almost cried.
i thought i would be spared. adrian had passed the dastardly flu bug to jeremy first. and a few days later, khai caught it. and just when i thought the coast was clear, i sneezed once. then twice. and now, every few minutes. and my nose continues to leak and my eyes feel heavy.
i'm tired. goodnight.
jeremy and i were filling up our organisers today with all the things we had to do over the next few weeks and with every new entry, we wanted to cry! "can i go to church with you?" jeremy said. "i need jesus also, only God can help me now!" and i laughed until i almost cried.
i thought i would be spared. adrian had passed the dastardly flu bug to jeremy first. and a few days later, khai caught it. and just when i thought the coast was clear, i sneezed once. then twice. and now, every few minutes. and my nose continues to leak and my eyes feel heavy.
i'm tired. goodnight.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
i don't think life is really just a sunflower field. or a marigold symphony. or a smile without wrinkles. i think it's more like driving a manual car. more like a glass of coke. i think it's like a foo fighters' song. "best of you". no wonder it seems to stir something inside of me. some kind of energy, some kind of restlessness, some kind of wonderment, some kind of bliss....
sometimes i try to imagine what it's like. u2, smashing pumpkins, foo fighters...in the jamming studios...i try to picture the magic coming alive in those small little boxes of a room. 4 or 5 very unique and different individuals all making their dreams and thoughts and emotions and passion and yearnings, the deepest part of themselves, come alive and blend together to produce such amazing masterpieces. and all these parts of them intertwine and hit something deep inside of us who listen and they become part of us, as we become part of them. and the very same things they breathed life into is awakened in us. the musical big bang. the never-ending story of creation.
driving my whole family around today was so surreal. i remember the time when i was still a little girl. i used to observe my parents driving and imagine the day i would finally drive. i really admired them, they way they were able to drive so skilfully and talk at the same time or change the radio station or even turn around to do silly things or scold us. and how they knew the roads so well. i was always amazed by how they always seemed to know where they were going, as though there was not a single road in singapore they were unsure of and not a single destination they didn't know how to get to. i always knew we'd get to where we intended to safely and easily with them behind the wheel. it seemed like driving was only for my parents and the other adults and older cousins. and as much as i dreamt about driving, it never seemed like the day i was to drive would ever come.
and then it did. today, i was driving my whole family to join the rest of my extended family for our yearly deepavali dinner and it was just the strangest and most surreal feeling. i was suddenly out on the big open road with each family member's life in my hands which were holding on to the steering wheel. and to think that i was that little girl who used to only dream of the day i would drive but never believed it would arrive and thus only resorted to taking turns with my brothers to be make-belief taxi-drivers driving each other to different countries or some other destination on our late great-grandma's swing or in our garden or front porch or our own beds.
today, aunty asha brought a game with her. it was a box of cards containing all sorts of questions. and one of them got me thinking. it went something like, "what is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of your childhood?" some said it was climbing trees. others talked about the memory of living in a shophouse or some kinds of food they used to eat. pravin talked about the balloon game called idiotic slimeball which i taught him and jeevan when we were younger. and this made me realise that what struck me most about my childhood was the imagination of us MUTTON-NI siblings combined. we actually came up with our own company called SPJ Pte Ltd (Shireen Pravin Jeevan Private Limited). We used to play "Office" where i'd be the boss and they were my employees and we'd be scribbling using pens (because adults used pens) on empty pieces of paper. (scribbling because it seemed like what adults did when they wrote cursive and signed their names here, there,everywhere) we punched buttons onto our mickey mouse calculators as though they were our computers. we came up with our own magazines and newspapers which i still keep. we made up the "news" for our newspapers and blatantly plagiarised "Did you know?" books to come up with articles for our "discovery" magazines. we actually intended to sell them but never did. we came up with our own concerts for special occasions. these were made up of our self-composed songs, self-choreographed dances and self-created scripts and characters. we went on our own adventures, making up all sorts of imaginary characters and weapons and tools and whatnot. we even had our own SPJ museum where we created a whole bunch of works made out of these thingies called "clever sticks" which were like lego blocks but as sticks instead. then we invited our neighbours over and shined torches on our exhibits which we even labeled as we pretended to be guides with our fake accents and brought them around our darkened room. we also invented and played all these silly games which only we could understand and think were fun. even as i was watching our italy trip videos the other day, i was still amused and amazed as i saw the craziness that shines forth whenever my brothers and i are together. filming a "twister"-style snippet on the top of the duomo in florence, italy. i'm sure the people around must've thought we were crazy. trying to film a "blair witch" style clip as we descended the eerie stairs which led us to the top of that duomo initially. it brought back memories of all the holidays when my brothers and i shared rooms together and had those room to ourselves. the crazy, fun and hilarious things we did!
just now, as i was driving them all home, my mom kept scolding me for driving too fast and my brothers kept defending me and complimenting my driving and it really made a difference. we fought alot, yelled alot, hit each other and pulled each other's hair alot, screamed all sorts of words at each other, told on each other all the time but i know without my brothers, life would be so different. we are just one helluva trio together! we are each so different and yet, we can understand each other so well. when i was a little girl back then, i never thought i'd say this...but i'll say it now. i really love my brothers, pravin and jeevan! and i thank god for them. they've brought me to and through many difficult times and a childhood i'll never forget. =)
just now, my brother saw the expensive bracelet i was wearing on my hand and told me the price of what i was wearing (because my mom revealed the price to him before) and that he would never have any of his girlfriends wear something like that. and i retorted that it was cos he was never going to buy something like that for them and he agreed. my mom made me wear the bracelet though. but i thought about it and i realised that i really am not that kind of girl. i'm not the kind of girl who will get impressed with flowers or expensive jewellery. not that i'd be ungrateful but i just don't have such a desire for these things. i told him that and he could understand because he knows that is just how i am. the kind of girl who would be more impressed with a really cool yo-yo or a gigantic book filled with guitar tabs of excellent songs or a fun do-it-yourself art thingy or something like that. in many ways, i have become a a young woman. and in many other ways, i'm still a little kid i think...
the days are going by so fast. the deadlines are fast approaching. the projects, exams, test and term paper....all piling and getting dangerously close. i keep reminding myself that there is a time for everything; for studying, for doing projects, for going to school, for attending meetings and of course, for resting and playing. and i think about all the small little moments of joy and fun throughout the day, and things just don't seem that bad or bad at all anymore. like when i think about the times with my friends and family. driving. the silly jokes i heard or told. the love shown to me by a stranger or by me to one. wonderful songs i got to listen to, new songs and old. the strange and interesting experiences throughout the day. soooo many things that remind me about what it is to be alive and what matters most.
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...
sometimes i try to imagine what it's like. u2, smashing pumpkins, foo fighters...in the jamming studios...i try to picture the magic coming alive in those small little boxes of a room. 4 or 5 very unique and different individuals all making their dreams and thoughts and emotions and passion and yearnings, the deepest part of themselves, come alive and blend together to produce such amazing masterpieces. and all these parts of them intertwine and hit something deep inside of us who listen and they become part of us, as we become part of them. and the very same things they breathed life into is awakened in us. the musical big bang. the never-ending story of creation.
driving my whole family around today was so surreal. i remember the time when i was still a little girl. i used to observe my parents driving and imagine the day i would finally drive. i really admired them, they way they were able to drive so skilfully and talk at the same time or change the radio station or even turn around to do silly things or scold us. and how they knew the roads so well. i was always amazed by how they always seemed to know where they were going, as though there was not a single road in singapore they were unsure of and not a single destination they didn't know how to get to. i always knew we'd get to where we intended to safely and easily with them behind the wheel. it seemed like driving was only for my parents and the other adults and older cousins. and as much as i dreamt about driving, it never seemed like the day i was to drive would ever come.
and then it did. today, i was driving my whole family to join the rest of my extended family for our yearly deepavali dinner and it was just the strangest and most surreal feeling. i was suddenly out on the big open road with each family member's life in my hands which were holding on to the steering wheel. and to think that i was that little girl who used to only dream of the day i would drive but never believed it would arrive and thus only resorted to taking turns with my brothers to be make-belief taxi-drivers driving each other to different countries or some other destination on our late great-grandma's swing or in our garden or front porch or our own beds.
today, aunty asha brought a game with her. it was a box of cards containing all sorts of questions. and one of them got me thinking. it went something like, "what is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of your childhood?" some said it was climbing trees. others talked about the memory of living in a shophouse or some kinds of food they used to eat. pravin talked about the balloon game called idiotic slimeball which i taught him and jeevan when we were younger. and this made me realise that what struck me most about my childhood was the imagination of us MUTTON-NI siblings combined. we actually came up with our own company called SPJ Pte Ltd (Shireen Pravin Jeevan Private Limited). We used to play "Office" where i'd be the boss and they were my employees and we'd be scribbling using pens (because adults used pens) on empty pieces of paper. (scribbling because it seemed like what adults did when they wrote cursive and signed their names here, there,everywhere) we punched buttons onto our mickey mouse calculators as though they were our computers. we came up with our own magazines and newspapers which i still keep. we made up the "news" for our newspapers and blatantly plagiarised "Did you know?" books to come up with articles for our "discovery" magazines. we actually intended to sell them but never did. we came up with our own concerts for special occasions. these were made up of our self-composed songs, self-choreographed dances and self-created scripts and characters. we went on our own adventures, making up all sorts of imaginary characters and weapons and tools and whatnot. we even had our own SPJ museum where we created a whole bunch of works made out of these thingies called "clever sticks" which were like lego blocks but as sticks instead. then we invited our neighbours over and shined torches on our exhibits which we even labeled as we pretended to be guides with our fake accents and brought them around our darkened room. we also invented and played all these silly games which only we could understand and think were fun. even as i was watching our italy trip videos the other day, i was still amused and amazed as i saw the craziness that shines forth whenever my brothers and i are together. filming a "twister"-style snippet on the top of the duomo in florence, italy. i'm sure the people around must've thought we were crazy. trying to film a "blair witch" style clip as we descended the eerie stairs which led us to the top of that duomo initially. it brought back memories of all the holidays when my brothers and i shared rooms together and had those room to ourselves. the crazy, fun and hilarious things we did!
just now, as i was driving them all home, my mom kept scolding me for driving too fast and my brothers kept defending me and complimenting my driving and it really made a difference. we fought alot, yelled alot, hit each other and pulled each other's hair alot, screamed all sorts of words at each other, told on each other all the time but i know without my brothers, life would be so different. we are just one helluva trio together! we are each so different and yet, we can understand each other so well. when i was a little girl back then, i never thought i'd say this...but i'll say it now. i really love my brothers, pravin and jeevan! and i thank god for them. they've brought me to and through many difficult times and a childhood i'll never forget. =)
just now, my brother saw the expensive bracelet i was wearing on my hand and told me the price of what i was wearing (because my mom revealed the price to him before) and that he would never have any of his girlfriends wear something like that. and i retorted that it was cos he was never going to buy something like that for them and he agreed. my mom made me wear the bracelet though. but i thought about it and i realised that i really am not that kind of girl. i'm not the kind of girl who will get impressed with flowers or expensive jewellery. not that i'd be ungrateful but i just don't have such a desire for these things. i told him that and he could understand because he knows that is just how i am. the kind of girl who would be more impressed with a really cool yo-yo or a gigantic book filled with guitar tabs of excellent songs or a fun do-it-yourself art thingy or something like that. in many ways, i have become a a young woman. and in many other ways, i'm still a little kid i think...
the days are going by so fast. the deadlines are fast approaching. the projects, exams, test and term paper....all piling and getting dangerously close. i keep reminding myself that there is a time for everything; for studying, for doing projects, for going to school, for attending meetings and of course, for resting and playing. and i think about all the small little moments of joy and fun throughout the day, and things just don't seem that bad or bad at all anymore. like when i think about the times with my friends and family. driving. the silly jokes i heard or told. the love shown to me by a stranger or by me to one. wonderful songs i got to listen to, new songs and old. the strange and interesting experiences throughout the day. soooo many things that remind me about what it is to be alive and what matters most.
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...
Saturday, October 29, 2005
last night, when i came home, i found a warzone awaiting me at our family area on the third floor. apparently, you could hear them gnawing and scurrying about even before you reached the third floor. like the sound of a machine. like the sound that crackling candy which i used to eat sounded when they crackled in my mouth. we had been invaded by termites!!!
the discovery of this warzone was triggered off by this weird coccoon like thing i saw getting longer along the corner between two walls above the staircase when i went downstairs in the middle of the night sometimes. turned out it was a termite nest and that these termites travel under the paint along the walls. the pesterminators told us that the termites' nest were probably some great distance beneath the house. little did we know how near we were to it.
then yesterday, as aunty was cleaning the family area, she decided to attack the lowest section of the bookshelf first. but you see, there are two bookshelves there which have cupboards on the lowest rungs. because the weight of the books above were so great, it had caused the cupboards to get stuck somehow and thus, noone bothered to open them for the longest time. and when aunty finally did yesterday, it was thriving with termites! there were big holes in everything! they were merciless! holes in the walls of the shelves, big ones! termites in the computer scanner! half-eaten photographs! carrom seeds! i don't know what else. there was powder all over, mini termite sand dunes. all joined together all around the bottom of the shelf. who would've thought such small things could create such havoc and destruction??!!
but it was really fascinating! the sound these termites made, the amount of wood they chewed into and wrecked, the big holes they left behind, the amount of dust and powder they had created....all this from such small, teeny weeny, white thingies...
when i got home, i went to examine the wreckage and my brother (pravin) was telling me about how my mom was crying when she learnt about this termite occupation in our house. he did quite a funny immitation of that haha. because of this discovery of the termite nest, we had to vacate the rest of the contents from the shelf. so lying all around in the family area were old photo albums. and we started picking them up and looking at that one by one. it was such a delightfully funny moment. looking at how cute we used to be, the bad hair, the bad fashion, the funny faces we made, the awkward smiles we tried to put on when taking photos, the funny and silly times, the holidays, the parties, the cousins, the weddings, people who had passed on, how skinny we used to be...so many things. my brothers, aunty and i were just standing there, glued to the albums, laughing heartily photo after photo. all this was happening while we were standing right next to the termite nest. we were making so much noise teasing each other and laughing and my mom was downstairs telling us to pipe down but we ignored her. i think she was sore that she couldn't come up and join in what was going on because she was too scared of the termite nest. but she finally came up and joined in too.
this morning, the pesterminators came and my mom told me to wake up because they were going to treat the whole third floor. i didn't wanna wake up yet so i went down with my eyes barely opened and knocked urgently on my brother's (jeevan's) room door to let me go in and sleep for a while. as i was trying to resume my sleep on the floor, my parents and one of the pesterminators walked into the room and i was like ..@!^@*&()! haha. then my dad said to the pesterminator, "don't mind this thing! it's just a big pest." then i rolled the blanket up over my face but it wasn't so nice sleeping like that with the poor guy trying to do his job in the room and me sprawled out in the middle of the room on the floor...so i shifted location and decided it was time to take a shower and head down for my music practice. and whaddaya know! mama let me drive haha. jeevan said i was good! thanks, jeevan! it was such an honour being able to drive people around. =)
the discovery of this warzone was triggered off by this weird coccoon like thing i saw getting longer along the corner between two walls above the staircase when i went downstairs in the middle of the night sometimes. turned out it was a termite nest and that these termites travel under the paint along the walls. the pesterminators told us that the termites' nest were probably some great distance beneath the house. little did we know how near we were to it.
then yesterday, as aunty was cleaning the family area, she decided to attack the lowest section of the bookshelf first. but you see, there are two bookshelves there which have cupboards on the lowest rungs. because the weight of the books above were so great, it had caused the cupboards to get stuck somehow and thus, noone bothered to open them for the longest time. and when aunty finally did yesterday, it was thriving with termites! there were big holes in everything! they were merciless! holes in the walls of the shelves, big ones! termites in the computer scanner! half-eaten photographs! carrom seeds! i don't know what else. there was powder all over, mini termite sand dunes. all joined together all around the bottom of the shelf. who would've thought such small things could create such havoc and destruction??!!
but it was really fascinating! the sound these termites made, the amount of wood they chewed into and wrecked, the big holes they left behind, the amount of dust and powder they had created....all this from such small, teeny weeny, white thingies...
when i got home, i went to examine the wreckage and my brother (pravin) was telling me about how my mom was crying when she learnt about this termite occupation in our house. he did quite a funny immitation of that haha. because of this discovery of the termite nest, we had to vacate the rest of the contents from the shelf. so lying all around in the family area were old photo albums. and we started picking them up and looking at that one by one. it was such a delightfully funny moment. looking at how cute we used to be, the bad hair, the bad fashion, the funny faces we made, the awkward smiles we tried to put on when taking photos, the funny and silly times, the holidays, the parties, the cousins, the weddings, people who had passed on, how skinny we used to be...so many things. my brothers, aunty and i were just standing there, glued to the albums, laughing heartily photo after photo. all this was happening while we were standing right next to the termite nest. we were making so much noise teasing each other and laughing and my mom was downstairs telling us to pipe down but we ignored her. i think she was sore that she couldn't come up and join in what was going on because she was too scared of the termite nest. but she finally came up and joined in too.
this morning, the pesterminators came and my mom told me to wake up because they were going to treat the whole third floor. i didn't wanna wake up yet so i went down with my eyes barely opened and knocked urgently on my brother's (jeevan's) room door to let me go in and sleep for a while. as i was trying to resume my sleep on the floor, my parents and one of the pesterminators walked into the room and i was like ..@!^@*&()! haha. then my dad said to the pesterminator, "don't mind this thing! it's just a big pest." then i rolled the blanket up over my face but it wasn't so nice sleeping like that with the poor guy trying to do his job in the room and me sprawled out in the middle of the room on the floor...so i shifted location and decided it was time to take a shower and head down for my music practice. and whaddaya know! mama let me drive haha. jeevan said i was good! thanks, jeevan! it was such an honour being able to drive people around. =)
Friday, October 28, 2005
it's been a long day but i don't really feel the weight of it. every yesterday seems like a century ago. and somehow, when i fall into the present moment, i don't seem to regret a single yesterday. right now at least. sure there were unpleasant things that happened which i wish i could erase and somehow have to a certain extent. and there are things i know i must and want to do differently. but i am where i am now and i love it (it is far from perfection and yet, perfect) and it's those yesterdays that brought me here.
i was thinking about what happened yesterday (yesterday is still wednesday to me) and the more i think about it, the more i feel that though what happened was unpleasant, it was a was really a wonderful opportunity for me to grow. in case you're wondering what happened, well, to cut it short, i had met that same guy again and his intentions weren't all that pure. but somehow, after the fear and initial anger subsided, i still felt sorry for him. loneliness and rejection for years had turned him into who he was. and while he did have a choice on how he would respond to his losses and hurts, we all had a choice too. the people around him had a choice too. they could have chosen to stay, to love him, to help him. there's always something we can do. it's not always the things we do that hurt others. sometimes the things we do not do have greater consequences than we ever imagined. i don't think it's safe for me to go back there alone and it's sad because i think that's how it's been for him. people get scared and run away. a viscious cycle that feeds on itself. but i'm not really scared of him now though just a few hours ago, i was still feeling freaked out about it. i don't want to be another who contributes to the darkness in his life. god, please guide me...
yes, as crazy as it sounds, i'm thankful for yesterday because it opened the eyes of my heart to some very big things. could i love murderers and rapists and grumpy bitchy teachers and egoistical bullies just as i love my friends and family and the friendly shop-keeper and the bubbly little nun and my cute lil dog? could i still love the people who deceive me and hurt me and take advantage of me and run me to the ground especially when all i had were good intentions for them? would my anger and hate and ugly thoughts and words and actions be justified by the hurt others have placed upon me? is revenge really sweet? are nonchalance and apathy really resilience? are people who hurt me really people i should run away from and avoid and ignore or is the fact that they are in my life really a calling for me to love them and be a light for them in their darkness? likewise, who am i hurting and whose flame am i killing? do i only love when it's easy? does my love come with a price-tag and conditions attached?
i don't think that what happened was really as bad as it seems (what with all these questions and thoughts it triggered off) but it was enough. i know i was being looked out for and watched over and all i was there for was to learn and to love. and love was covering me and i had nothing to fear. even if something worse happened, it wouldn't take away that fire inside. temporarily, the flame might flicker. but only temporarily.
thank you so much for this day, this moment, this music, these words, these thoughts, these experiences, these blessings, the cool air, this roof over my head, these clothes to cover me and keep me warm, these hands to type these words, these eyes to see, these ears to hear, this computer, this bed i'm lying on, my family who loves me, aunty, reno, being able to go to school, a driving licence, food to fill my stomach, water to quench my thirst, and so much more...
and yet, even if i do not have all these, i still thank you for loving me and knowing me and choosing me to have life and to breathe...and with my one typing breath left, i say thank you... =)
(p.s. in another breath, where are you? i hope you are fine. you should know who you are.. =P)
i was thinking about what happened yesterday (yesterday is still wednesday to me) and the more i think about it, the more i feel that though what happened was unpleasant, it was a was really a wonderful opportunity for me to grow. in case you're wondering what happened, well, to cut it short, i had met that same guy again and his intentions weren't all that pure. but somehow, after the fear and initial anger subsided, i still felt sorry for him. loneliness and rejection for years had turned him into who he was. and while he did have a choice on how he would respond to his losses and hurts, we all had a choice too. the people around him had a choice too. they could have chosen to stay, to love him, to help him. there's always something we can do. it's not always the things we do that hurt others. sometimes the things we do not do have greater consequences than we ever imagined. i don't think it's safe for me to go back there alone and it's sad because i think that's how it's been for him. people get scared and run away. a viscious cycle that feeds on itself. but i'm not really scared of him now though just a few hours ago, i was still feeling freaked out about it. i don't want to be another who contributes to the darkness in his life. god, please guide me...
yes, as crazy as it sounds, i'm thankful for yesterday because it opened the eyes of my heart to some very big things. could i love murderers and rapists and grumpy bitchy teachers and egoistical bullies just as i love my friends and family and the friendly shop-keeper and the bubbly little nun and my cute lil dog? could i still love the people who deceive me and hurt me and take advantage of me and run me to the ground especially when all i had were good intentions for them? would my anger and hate and ugly thoughts and words and actions be justified by the hurt others have placed upon me? is revenge really sweet? are nonchalance and apathy really resilience? are people who hurt me really people i should run away from and avoid and ignore or is the fact that they are in my life really a calling for me to love them and be a light for them in their darkness? likewise, who am i hurting and whose flame am i killing? do i only love when it's easy? does my love come with a price-tag and conditions attached?
i don't think that what happened was really as bad as it seems (what with all these questions and thoughts it triggered off) but it was enough. i know i was being looked out for and watched over and all i was there for was to learn and to love. and love was covering me and i had nothing to fear. even if something worse happened, it wouldn't take away that fire inside. temporarily, the flame might flicker. but only temporarily.
thank you so much for this day, this moment, this music, these words, these thoughts, these experiences, these blessings, the cool air, this roof over my head, these clothes to cover me and keep me warm, these hands to type these words, these eyes to see, these ears to hear, this computer, this bed i'm lying on, my family who loves me, aunty, reno, being able to go to school, a driving licence, food to fill my stomach, water to quench my thirst, and so much more...
and yet, even if i do not have all these, i still thank you for loving me and knowing me and choosing me to have life and to breathe...and with my one typing breath left, i say thank you... =)
(p.s. in another breath, where are you? i hope you are fine. you should know who you are.. =P)
Thursday, October 27, 2005
well, well, so i passed driving. it was all so surreal and over so soon. i didn't even make a u-turn. and i didn't stall at all! but i still can't legally drive yet because i hated the instant photo i blew 9bucks on at the centre. so i'm going back later with a shot i got taken professionally last time. c'mon! it's my driving licence! it better look good after all this...
anyway, a big thank you to everyone who prayed for me and supported me. and my parents who paid for my lessons. and of course, aunty helen! i'm sure gonna miss having lessons with her. it was fun and lovely to the very end...
before the test, those who were to take the 245pm test were made to sit in the test reception area and be matched to their testers and test routes by a balloting process. a very nervous lady took a seat next to me while waiting. she turned out to be a housewife who was taking manual lessons so that she could go around more and be able to fetch her children around as well. there was a lady sitting across who seemed to be the life of the room. i think it was her 2nd or 3rd time taking the test. when the ballot results were out, she created quite a racket because she got route 6, which according to what she heard, was the worst route together with route 7. everyone seemed to be really friendly with each other though we hadn't met one another before, perhaps because we were all so nervous and anxious. somehow, i wasn't so nervous in the end. i managed to convince myself that the tester was just a normal human being and it was going to be an honour having him sit beside me as my first official passenger and that i was to treat him well. haha. i was supposed to lead him to the car and i walked almost with a skip even. and before i knew it, the test was over! then they made those who passed watch a video. i made friends with some of those who passed and they were really nice people. one of them was so funny. she was deciding whether to sms her crush to tell him that she passed. i wonder whether she did.
haha i'm having a voice conversation with joyce khoo on msn and i'm calling her all variations of a chicken. this whole thing is sooo weird!
argh. i'm having a headache and my stomach feels bad. i'm having a headache because we were watching videos we took while we were on holiday in italy last year. but what triggered the headache was the terrible video-taking skills ( i won't even call that SKILL) my family possesses!!! zooming in and out, here and there, everywhere, at the speed of lightning! i thought i was going to pass out with giddyness! i mean, 3 minutes on an amusement park ride is alright. but 1 hour plus of that is just insane. and we have more tapes to go. and we insist on watching everyone. so we just sat there commenting and laughing and trying to guess who the bad camera man/woman was and making ourselves sick with the poor filming. my stomach feels bad because i think i ate tooooo much in the last few hours and there are too many things mixed up in my stomach and i just feel like cutting open my stomach and emptying it! aaaaaaaargh!
i was kinda disillusioned today and it left me with a sick feeling in my stomach. besides the sick feeling the food left in my stomach. but alanis morissette once thanked disillusionment and my dad once said that disillusionment is a good thing. i felt a bit angry and cheated at first. but i remembered what someone else once said. people are essentially good. sometimes we just make the wrong choices.
teary eyes and a hearty yawn call out for sleep...
anyway, a big thank you to everyone who prayed for me and supported me. and my parents who paid for my lessons. and of course, aunty helen! i'm sure gonna miss having lessons with her. it was fun and lovely to the very end...
before the test, those who were to take the 245pm test were made to sit in the test reception area and be matched to their testers and test routes by a balloting process. a very nervous lady took a seat next to me while waiting. she turned out to be a housewife who was taking manual lessons so that she could go around more and be able to fetch her children around as well. there was a lady sitting across who seemed to be the life of the room. i think it was her 2nd or 3rd time taking the test. when the ballot results were out, she created quite a racket because she got route 6, which according to what she heard, was the worst route together with route 7. everyone seemed to be really friendly with each other though we hadn't met one another before, perhaps because we were all so nervous and anxious. somehow, i wasn't so nervous in the end. i managed to convince myself that the tester was just a normal human being and it was going to be an honour having him sit beside me as my first official passenger and that i was to treat him well. haha. i was supposed to lead him to the car and i walked almost with a skip even. and before i knew it, the test was over! then they made those who passed watch a video. i made friends with some of those who passed and they were really nice people. one of them was so funny. she was deciding whether to sms her crush to tell him that she passed. i wonder whether she did.
haha i'm having a voice conversation with joyce khoo on msn and i'm calling her all variations of a chicken. this whole thing is sooo weird!
argh. i'm having a headache and my stomach feels bad. i'm having a headache because we were watching videos we took while we were on holiday in italy last year. but what triggered the headache was the terrible video-taking skills ( i won't even call that SKILL) my family possesses!!! zooming in and out, here and there, everywhere, at the speed of lightning! i thought i was going to pass out with giddyness! i mean, 3 minutes on an amusement park ride is alright. but 1 hour plus of that is just insane. and we have more tapes to go. and we insist on watching everyone. so we just sat there commenting and laughing and trying to guess who the bad camera man/woman was and making ourselves sick with the poor filming. my stomach feels bad because i think i ate tooooo much in the last few hours and there are too many things mixed up in my stomach and i just feel like cutting open my stomach and emptying it! aaaaaaaargh!
i was kinda disillusioned today and it left me with a sick feeling in my stomach. besides the sick feeling the food left in my stomach. but alanis morissette once thanked disillusionment and my dad once said that disillusionment is a good thing. i felt a bit angry and cheated at first. but i remembered what someone else once said. people are essentially good. sometimes we just make the wrong choices.
teary eyes and a hearty yawn call out for sleep...
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
tuesday was a good day.
2 hours driving in the morning was just too much though. i was making the seat too hot for my own butt's comfort and my left leg was so tired from depressing and releasing the clutch pedal until there were a few instances where i almost totally released to stretch my leg for a while when the gear was still engaged! anyway, my driving test is today at 2.45pm!!! and before that, another 2 hr lesson. which means more than 2hrs of driving! but don't complain, shireen! you need the practice! PLEASE LET ME PASS!
after that, headed down to school and i enjoyed the bus and train rides because i had alot of time to spare and good music streaming into my ears and no heavy laptop or adaptor to carry and a pretty relaxed day ahead with not a single project meeting in sight!! which meant i could spend the day however i wanted to and go home early even!
marketing class was spent savouring my mocha rumba frapuccino from starbucks, chewing gum, making paper aeroplanes using the gum wrappers, sketching my prof, an island in the sun, my paper aeroplane and the starbucks cup, all on the starbucks paper napkin, exchanging smses with my mom, alvin(about my video cam), merrill(about sharing and driving) and one guy who is my brother's friend whose sister, i just found out, was sitting 2 rows behind me in class just now, and of course, paying attention to what the prof was talking about. there were some good laughs in between.
after marketing class, spent a good hour or so in the library having hell with the computers and printers! some friends thought i was mad because i kept walking past them so many times as i was walking to the printing room. files were deleted, wrong printer, attachment couldn't be open on a different computer, alot of other nonsense...but all's well cos i managed to get them all printed in the end.
then, i finally got the chance to head home! it was a priceless feeling. and as i was walking out of the library building, bumped into zhi and marcus and i think i looked like a crazy happy moron and i explained that i was going home early for the first time in a long time. haha, coming from someone who used to love going home late and would rather go out and walk around or watch a movie or go to borders before going home.
and i must say, i really enjoyed the ride on the way home. i got to sit right infront on the double-decker 147 and i love the view from the front seat because it's like a relaxing amusement park ride and you get to see so many things. after choosing the perfect seat, or so i thought, i plugged in my earphones, took out my BOOST chocolate(YUMMY!) and my storybook and had a really pleasant journey home until...
until i suddenly felt something wet and cold on the sole of my left foot. i looked down and saw that a puddle had gathered below my seat due to rain water from i don't know where and had swished onto my slipper when the bus made a sudden jerk. it was such a disgusting feeling because the slipper felt so slimy after that. but, well, i just adjusted my seating position to avoid the puddle and it was soon forgotten.
as i was reaching my house busstop, i made a split-second decision and before i knew it, i was boarding another bus to svdp to go for mass. and i was really quite early cos it was only 515pm and mass was at 6. but i was happy about this. it meant that i would have time to visit the adoration room there and just pray quietly and rest. something i haven't been doing for a while now.
and the time i spent there was really wonderful. as i was walking in, i saw a mini book on the shelf of books at the entrance and decided to have a look at it. it was about "spiritual hangovers", which, as described in the book, are simply the consequence of over-self-indulgence in our own thoughts and emotions, just like the over-consumption and over-indulgence of alcohol or drugs or whatnot. it talks about how comfortable we become with this spiritual hangover and don't bother to get out of it. i got reminded about my blackhole theory and about how it's so easy to get so comfortable in them and to indulge in anger or depression or whatnot.
mass after that was a really peaceful, beautiful and intimate moment for me and i felt happy and safe and on fire with love inside, a fire burning to fulfil my calling to love everyone and everything no matter what, a desire to be the smallest and the last if that's what it took. the whole hour there at svdp just brought me back home and calmed that restlessness in me. and it was all the consequence of a split-second decision. that's why i once said, sometimes you just do things and you don't know what made you do them but you know you just have to do them anyway, like you were meant to....this was just one of those moments.
and as i was sitting at the svdp busstop, waiting for the bus home, a man who had been sitting two rows behind me in church came and sat next to me. his clothes looked loose on him, his hair was a bit messy and his teeth were really yellow. he had given way to me during communion. so there he was sitting next to me and i could sense he was looking at me and i get very shy when people look at me but it was weird to keep pretending to stare into the space infront of me so i returned his look and he smiled and me and nodded, so well, i smiled back and nodded. and he did that a few more times. and finally, he stretched out his hand to shake mine and asked me what my name was while introducing himself. so i told him i was shireen. and then, he told me his sister and mom and had died and he was living alone. and i was a bit bewildered because i didn't understand why he was telling me this out of the blue. so i asked him when and he said 2 months ago. and we talked a bit. then he showed me a consultation card and i tried to decipher what it read but i couldn't find anything much and felt it wasn't so important to know what was wrong wrong with him(cos i was expecting it to be an institute of mental health card or something) so i handed him back the card. i just felt sad for him because he looked so sad and he would suddenly gaze into the distance every time he said he was living alone. then he told me the name of his sister. and his bus arrived. and he waved goodbye many times before he finally left. my bus arrived just after his and i got on. i passed a busstop and saw that he had gotten down there and he saw me on the bus and waved again...all the way home, i kept thinking about this mysterious lonely man and how much he needed a friend and needed to be loved. is there something i can do? i'm sure there is...and there are so many like him out there....mother teresa once said, "there are many in the world dying for a piece of bread, but there are many more dying for a little love."
but i did not return home feeling sad. i felt joyous still for having met a new friend. he may have been weird and a bit messed up overall, but he treated me with dignity and warmth. and he deserves to be loved anyway. i hope he is alright.
at night, i went for my regular tuesday night sharing and it was pretty nice and cosy cos there were so few of us. we had to restart the song a few times cos we kept singing out of tune and it was so funnY! this never happened before! i think...
supper was great! because of the great company and the hilarious conversations....and the night was then topped off by a heart-to-heart talk with melt. mel tan is a really beautiful and special girl and i love her to bits!!!
yeap, tuesday was good.
driving test, here i come!
2 hours driving in the morning was just too much though. i was making the seat too hot for my own butt's comfort and my left leg was so tired from depressing and releasing the clutch pedal until there were a few instances where i almost totally released to stretch my leg for a while when the gear was still engaged! anyway, my driving test is today at 2.45pm!!! and before that, another 2 hr lesson. which means more than 2hrs of driving! but don't complain, shireen! you need the practice! PLEASE LET ME PASS!
after that, headed down to school and i enjoyed the bus and train rides because i had alot of time to spare and good music streaming into my ears and no heavy laptop or adaptor to carry and a pretty relaxed day ahead with not a single project meeting in sight!! which meant i could spend the day however i wanted to and go home early even!
marketing class was spent savouring my mocha rumba frapuccino from starbucks, chewing gum, making paper aeroplanes using the gum wrappers, sketching my prof, an island in the sun, my paper aeroplane and the starbucks cup, all on the starbucks paper napkin, exchanging smses with my mom, alvin(about my video cam), merrill(about sharing and driving) and one guy who is my brother's friend whose sister, i just found out, was sitting 2 rows behind me in class just now, and of course, paying attention to what the prof was talking about. there were some good laughs in between.
after marketing class, spent a good hour or so in the library having hell with the computers and printers! some friends thought i was mad because i kept walking past them so many times as i was walking to the printing room. files were deleted, wrong printer, attachment couldn't be open on a different computer, alot of other nonsense...but all's well cos i managed to get them all printed in the end.
then, i finally got the chance to head home! it was a priceless feeling. and as i was walking out of the library building, bumped into zhi and marcus and i think i looked like a crazy happy moron and i explained that i was going home early for the first time in a long time. haha, coming from someone who used to love going home late and would rather go out and walk around or watch a movie or go to borders before going home.
and i must say, i really enjoyed the ride on the way home. i got to sit right infront on the double-decker 147 and i love the view from the front seat because it's like a relaxing amusement park ride and you get to see so many things. after choosing the perfect seat, or so i thought, i plugged in my earphones, took out my BOOST chocolate(YUMMY!) and my storybook and had a really pleasant journey home until...
until i suddenly felt something wet and cold on the sole of my left foot. i looked down and saw that a puddle had gathered below my seat due to rain water from i don't know where and had swished onto my slipper when the bus made a sudden jerk. it was such a disgusting feeling because the slipper felt so slimy after that. but, well, i just adjusted my seating position to avoid the puddle and it was soon forgotten.
as i was reaching my house busstop, i made a split-second decision and before i knew it, i was boarding another bus to svdp to go for mass. and i was really quite early cos it was only 515pm and mass was at 6. but i was happy about this. it meant that i would have time to visit the adoration room there and just pray quietly and rest. something i haven't been doing for a while now.
and the time i spent there was really wonderful. as i was walking in, i saw a mini book on the shelf of books at the entrance and decided to have a look at it. it was about "spiritual hangovers", which, as described in the book, are simply the consequence of over-self-indulgence in our own thoughts and emotions, just like the over-consumption and over-indulgence of alcohol or drugs or whatnot. it talks about how comfortable we become with this spiritual hangover and don't bother to get out of it. i got reminded about my blackhole theory and about how it's so easy to get so comfortable in them and to indulge in anger or depression or whatnot.
mass after that was a really peaceful, beautiful and intimate moment for me and i felt happy and safe and on fire with love inside, a fire burning to fulfil my calling to love everyone and everything no matter what, a desire to be the smallest and the last if that's what it took. the whole hour there at svdp just brought me back home and calmed that restlessness in me. and it was all the consequence of a split-second decision. that's why i once said, sometimes you just do things and you don't know what made you do them but you know you just have to do them anyway, like you were meant to....this was just one of those moments.
and as i was sitting at the svdp busstop, waiting for the bus home, a man who had been sitting two rows behind me in church came and sat next to me. his clothes looked loose on him, his hair was a bit messy and his teeth were really yellow. he had given way to me during communion. so there he was sitting next to me and i could sense he was looking at me and i get very shy when people look at me but it was weird to keep pretending to stare into the space infront of me so i returned his look and he smiled and me and nodded, so well, i smiled back and nodded. and he did that a few more times. and finally, he stretched out his hand to shake mine and asked me what my name was while introducing himself. so i told him i was shireen. and then, he told me his sister and mom and had died and he was living alone. and i was a bit bewildered because i didn't understand why he was telling me this out of the blue. so i asked him when and he said 2 months ago. and we talked a bit. then he showed me a consultation card and i tried to decipher what it read but i couldn't find anything much and felt it wasn't so important to know what was wrong wrong with him(cos i was expecting it to be an institute of mental health card or something) so i handed him back the card. i just felt sad for him because he looked so sad and he would suddenly gaze into the distance every time he said he was living alone. then he told me the name of his sister. and his bus arrived. and he waved goodbye many times before he finally left. my bus arrived just after his and i got on. i passed a busstop and saw that he had gotten down there and he saw me on the bus and waved again...all the way home, i kept thinking about this mysterious lonely man and how much he needed a friend and needed to be loved. is there something i can do? i'm sure there is...and there are so many like him out there....mother teresa once said, "there are many in the world dying for a piece of bread, but there are many more dying for a little love."
but i did not return home feeling sad. i felt joyous still for having met a new friend. he may have been weird and a bit messed up overall, but he treated me with dignity and warmth. and he deserves to be loved anyway. i hope he is alright.
at night, i went for my regular tuesday night sharing and it was pretty nice and cosy cos there were so few of us. we had to restart the song a few times cos we kept singing out of tune and it was so funnY! this never happened before! i think...
supper was great! because of the great company and the hilarious conversations....and the night was then topped off by a heart-to-heart talk with melt. mel tan is a really beautiful and special girl and i love her to bits!!!
yeap, tuesday was good.
driving test, here i come!
Sunday, October 23, 2005
(courtesy of Joyce Khoo)
Rules of the game: Post 5 Weird and Random Facts about yourself, then at the end list the names of 5 people who are next in line to do this.
1) i do alot of the things that i enjoy doing while sitting on my toilet bowl like daydreaming, surfing the net, reading books, studying or playing the guitar while seranading to myself. sometimes, i can do a few of those at once or i'd think of new and interesting things to do or read or look at. i think that's where i concentrate best and am really creative. it never gets boring but sometimes, i get carried away and stay for too long...once i even tried to bring the whole yamaha keyboard inside. did i just say that??
2) when eating grapes, i like to use my teeth to peel of the skin first. after eating the skin, i eat the naked grape and it feels great in my mouth! err...
3) i almost drowned my brother, pravin, when i was 5. we were at the deep end of the pool and my swimming coach was signaling something to me from the other end. i thought he wanted me to bring my brother across ala baywatch style. so i slung my arm around my 3-year-old brother and tried to drag him across while swimming at the same time. but after a few strokes, we both started struggling and my brother was panicking and the coach came over and gave me one big scolding. but..but..i was only trying to help...
4) i once stuck a few straws in my hair, carried a bottle in one hand and a piece of paper in the other so that i'd look like the statue of liberty and walked up to a table full of americans at a cafe at the cornell glass museum in US and asked them, "So, what do you think of my new hairdo?" as a dare.
5) i like to go downstairs at weird hours of the night and find a nice movie on tv to watch and have a good cry over it and sit there in awe for a while after that as the credits are rolling.
so now, i have to tag 5 other people to do this right? so i tag...PRAVIN, TERENCE LEONG, PHAEMIE NG, MARS and GRACIE. i don't really know whether all of them read my blog anyway but since i have to tag 5 people, YOU'RE IT!
Rules of the game: Post 5 Weird and Random Facts about yourself, then at the end list the names of 5 people who are next in line to do this.
1) i do alot of the things that i enjoy doing while sitting on my toilet bowl like daydreaming, surfing the net, reading books, studying or playing the guitar while seranading to myself. sometimes, i can do a few of those at once or i'd think of new and interesting things to do or read or look at. i think that's where i concentrate best and am really creative. it never gets boring but sometimes, i get carried away and stay for too long...once i even tried to bring the whole yamaha keyboard inside. did i just say that??
2) when eating grapes, i like to use my teeth to peel of the skin first. after eating the skin, i eat the naked grape and it feels great in my mouth! err...
3) i almost drowned my brother, pravin, when i was 5. we were at the deep end of the pool and my swimming coach was signaling something to me from the other end. i thought he wanted me to bring my brother across ala baywatch style. so i slung my arm around my 3-year-old brother and tried to drag him across while swimming at the same time. but after a few strokes, we both started struggling and my brother was panicking and the coach came over and gave me one big scolding. but..but..i was only trying to help...
4) i once stuck a few straws in my hair, carried a bottle in one hand and a piece of paper in the other so that i'd look like the statue of liberty and walked up to a table full of americans at a cafe at the cornell glass museum in US and asked them, "So, what do you think of my new hairdo?" as a dare.
5) i like to go downstairs at weird hours of the night and find a nice movie on tv to watch and have a good cry over it and sit there in awe for a while after that as the credits are rolling.
so now, i have to tag 5 other people to do this right? so i tag...PRAVIN, TERENCE LEONG, PHAEMIE NG, MARS and GRACIE. i don't really know whether all of them read my blog anyway but since i have to tag 5 people, YOU'RE IT!
Saturday, October 22, 2005
i'm lying in bed again for the 2nd friday night in a row. haha. but it's not like i can go anywhere anyway. my left knee's busted and my back is really in pain. took part in smu travel club's "Amazing Race" today and i think i almost died haha. we ran from beginning to end. and when we reached the first station, i think i was about to drop to the floor and faint already haha. but it was all good cos we were leading in the beginning. unfortunately..we went to the wrong place for the second station, allowing the another team to catch up. and then, my knee started giving way. and after a while, i couldn't even walk..don't talk about running. and then, when we were on our way to the last station, both my calfs started cramping like crazy and it felt like something was biting them. i just couldn't move and felt paralysed. and can u imagine??? jeremy carried me!! he piggy-backed me and i think it probably felt like he really was carrying a few pigs on his back!!! and then, as we proceeded, my calfs cramped so badly then i couldn't stand it and just fell to the ground. and i was sitting dangerously at a roadside, squirming in pain until jeremy told me to get in. and he tried to help me massage and stretch my calfs and it helped. but after running for another stretch, as we were getting nearer, the calfs cramped up soooo badly again that i just crashed to the pavement again, and this time, i didn't hold back on the expletives.=P
poor teammates. they were trying to help me get rid of the cramps. and they were so nice and patient about it. but i knew that they knew how close we were to winning and yet how far we now seemed. and just across the road, we saw another team catching up. and they reached the station only a split second before us and that was the last station. so they got the headstart back to school first. aargh..so close, we were.
but i really want to thank my teammates! vincent (ng is it?), adrian h'ng and jeremy seah! they were really wonderful and patient and i'm really sorry i was lagging so much and was so unfit! haha. ok fine, i really was a liability. there was some truth in your joke yesterday, jeremy seah! but these three guys were always encouraging me and waiting for me and checking to see wheth....
ok...that's where the post ended. what happened was, i typed out a really really long post. included stuff about the day, the race, my busted knee, my back, my journey home, winning some stuff because i happened to be daydreaming in the right place at the right time, and other miscelleneous stuff. BUT most importantly, i had typed out alot of "thank you"s to various people who i felt like thanking today. and not just regarding the race. very random thank yous but very sincere ones. and it all got deleted cos i accidentally clicked something and till now, i don't even know what i clicked! and this is not the first time!!!!!
but anyway, that post contained alot of thank yous to people who i think don't even read or know about this blog. but i wanted to tell the world about them and how special and wonderful and beautiful they were. i guess, maybe i should tell them directly how much i appeciate them and acknowledge who they are and have been. but i guess typing out the post made me reflect and look into my life to see how blessed i am despite all the stinky poo stuff and to remember the goodness these people bring into my life and the world. it would've been nice to have shared it with whoever reads my blog but well, shit happens. and you know shit has to happen sometimes...
alright...the post started off by saying it was friday night but now it's saturday morning. and i'm going to say...good night...
poor teammates. they were trying to help me get rid of the cramps. and they were so nice and patient about it. but i knew that they knew how close we were to winning and yet how far we now seemed. and just across the road, we saw another team catching up. and they reached the station only a split second before us and that was the last station. so they got the headstart back to school first. aargh..so close, we were.
but i really want to thank my teammates! vincent (ng is it?), adrian h'ng and jeremy seah! they were really wonderful and patient and i'm really sorry i was lagging so much and was so unfit! haha. ok fine, i really was a liability. there was some truth in your joke yesterday, jeremy seah! but these three guys were always encouraging me and waiting for me and checking to see wheth....
ok...that's where the post ended. what happened was, i typed out a really really long post. included stuff about the day, the race, my busted knee, my back, my journey home, winning some stuff because i happened to be daydreaming in the right place at the right time, and other miscelleneous stuff. BUT most importantly, i had typed out alot of "thank you"s to various people who i felt like thanking today. and not just regarding the race. very random thank yous but very sincere ones. and it all got deleted cos i accidentally clicked something and till now, i don't even know what i clicked! and this is not the first time!!!!!
but anyway, that post contained alot of thank yous to people who i think don't even read or know about this blog. but i wanted to tell the world about them and how special and wonderful and beautiful they were. i guess, maybe i should tell them directly how much i appeciate them and acknowledge who they are and have been. but i guess typing out the post made me reflect and look into my life to see how blessed i am despite all the stinky poo stuff and to remember the goodness these people bring into my life and the world. it would've been nice to have shared it with whoever reads my blog but well, shit happens. and you know shit has to happen sometimes...
alright...the post started off by saying it was friday night but now it's saturday morning. and i'm going to say...good night...
Saturday, October 15, 2005
i was looking through some past entries and came across this one i typed out in april and read a comment there which i had never seen before. it was posted by, whaddaya know, another shireen! and it was a beautiful post. it's so funny...of all times and all previous entries, i click on that particular post today, 15 October 2005, at 1.08am.
hey shireen, nice name i agree!! haha. =P if you still do come here, do leave a shout out alright? =)
hey shireen, nice name i agree!! haha. =P if you still do come here, do leave a shout out alright? =)
some friends are over at neily's house jamming (or attempting to or talking abt it) and playing "i never" drinking games. some others are probably having supper together. me? i'm just sprawled out on my bed at home and it seems like time has stood still on a friday night. sometime during my nap in the afternoon (towards evening), i sprang out of bed and rushed to the toilet to puke out the $12 meal i had for lunch. it felt terrible and gross and exhilirating and liberating all at once. and i didn't know what else to do so i went back to bed, as though there was nothing to do on a friday evening.
some friends called but i was in such a groggy and delusional state that half the time, i didn't know whether the names flashing on my phone or the ringing of my phone were real in the first place. my room was all dark already but i didn't know whether it was night or day and whether i was in my dream or awake. people whose names were flashing on my phone started appearing in my warped dreams. and warped they were!
i feel so far away from the world tonight, floating around in my own little bubble. it's so strange but it feels like the most normal thing right now...
strange...
some friends called but i was in such a groggy and delusional state that half the time, i didn't know whether the names flashing on my phone or the ringing of my phone were real in the first place. my room was all dark already but i didn't know whether it was night or day and whether i was in my dream or awake. people whose names were flashing on my phone started appearing in my warped dreams. and warped they were!
i feel so far away from the world tonight, floating around in my own little bubble. it's so strange but it feels like the most normal thing right now...
strange...