today (as in sunday), we found out why there was nothing going on in that house. the wake was apparently at nativity church and so we made our way down there just now and got to meet, amongst others, his family. i wanted to know so much. to solve the mystery behind uncle vincent. he lay there resting in his coffin like any other would, and funnily, despite all his unique and bizarre idiosyncrasies, his death had made him common to us.

his still body, his closed eyes, his sealed lips. he was really gone. what really fascinates me when i see a dead body (no i don't have a morbid fascination with doing so) is its stillness. looking at the stillness of uncle vincent's body, it just really hit me that our bodies really are but just earthen vessels. you could tell that he really wasn't there in that body anymore.

wonder why i'm in this body.

i just know this is not it. i know i want to be so much more. i know i need something to hit me deeply. DEEPLY. again. to resuscitate whatever it is that's falling into a comatose and dying inside of me. it's not as dramatic as it sounds but sometimes, i just feel so old and defeated. i feel like a shrinking balloon, once totally filled and high on life's helium, now slowly shrinking and deflating, sinking lower and lower towards the cement. and it's not that someone has burst this balloon or it has been filled with some kind of toxic gas. it's just that..that "magical helium" that was there and still is, just seems to be slipping away through some invisible hole i can't see. what is it and where?

haha. this made me start wondering why helium balloons shrink over time. i came up with a theory and don't know whether it is right but you can correct me if i'm wrong. i think its because the molecules lose energy, perhaps due to a lowering in temperature, causing the molecules to lack the energy to overcome the strong forces of inter-molecular attraction, thus causing them to come closer together, thus causing a decrease in volume and thus, an overall shrinking in the size of the balloon. and an increase in density which weighs it down and causes it to sink. wonder if pressure plays a part too. like does external pressure push down on the sides, causing the molecules to get closer together? hmmm... haha, shireen you are driving the poor reader mad with your gibberish entries!

anyway, thinking about the physics of shrinking helium balloons has made me realise that perhaps i need to re-energise and replenish. my magical helium lacks energy and my soul is getting heavier. i can feel it. stagnation! yes! i think bingo that's what's happening. haha, all those dash-random thoughts just to realise it was that. sometime ago when i was reading my past entries, i remember that there was this line that i typed a few times. that stagnant waters were really the breeding grounds for bloodsuckers. (literally, too) ok i have to remember this more often!

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

now, the question is...how?