i love driving but i can get so frustrated while driving. sometimes, i feel like the lousiest driver in the world when my mom sits beside me. she scolds me for every small little thing and panics and shrieks when she doesn't have to which always sends me into a panic and in that second, my heart literally stops. i know she means well but it makes me feel really lousy and when i feel that way, i really start to drive that way.

just now i almost met with an accident with a big truck. i needed to filter to the third lane so i could get onto the viaduct and i saw the truck coming but it was still about two car lengths away. i was filtering but it didn't slow down and i swerved back just in time to see its side slice past the car as my mom screamed. next thing i know i was stuck on the triangle separating the viaduct from the normal road, and my mom was scolding me for not listening to her.

i just felt so angry and so shitty. i always listen to her, and when i follow her instructions and as a consequence turn into a wrong lane, i get scolded for not reading the signs. when i don't listen, i get scolded also. i just feel like such a lousy driver and i know it's no big deal because some people don't even have the luxury of driving. but i hate feeling like this. i am angry at myself for not being able to drive better. for not being able to change lanes better. for asking her to let me drive back. for being angry at her. for crying in the car. for not being able to prove to her she doesn't have to keep nagging me when i'm driving. for not being assertive enough on the road. i am angry at the truck driver. and at all those other drivers who wouldn't give way to me when i was stuck on that triangle divider.

sigh, i know i sound like a brat (who says i'm not one anyway?). i just want so badly to prove that i can do it. but i keep proving her otherwise.

i have to be patient, i guess. (!!!!!) =/