i don't think life is really just a sunflower field. or a marigold symphony. or a smile without wrinkles. i think it's more like driving a manual car. more like a glass of coke. i think it's like a foo fighters' song. "best of you". no wonder it seems to stir something inside of me. some kind of energy, some kind of restlessness, some kind of wonderment, some kind of bliss....

sometimes i try to imagine what it's like. u2, smashing pumpkins, foo fighters...in the jamming studios...i try to picture the magic coming alive in those small little boxes of a room. 4 or 5 very unique and different individuals all making their dreams and thoughts and emotions and passion and yearnings, the deepest part of themselves, come alive and blend together to produce such amazing masterpieces. and all these parts of them intertwine and hit something deep inside of us who listen and they become part of us, as we become part of them. and the very same things they breathed life into is awakened in us. the musical big bang. the never-ending story of creation.

driving my whole family around today was so surreal. i remember the time when i was still a little girl. i used to observe my parents driving and imagine the day i would finally drive. i really admired them, they way they were able to drive so skilfully and talk at the same time or change the radio station or even turn around to do silly things or scold us. and how they knew the roads so well. i was always amazed by how they always seemed to know where they were going, as though there was not a single road in singapore they were unsure of and not a single destination they didn't know how to get to. i always knew we'd get to where we intended to safely and easily with them behind the wheel. it seemed like driving was only for my parents and the other adults and older cousins. and as much as i dreamt about driving, it never seemed like the day i was to drive would ever come.

and then it did. today, i was driving my whole family to join the rest of my extended family for our yearly deepavali dinner and it was just the strangest and most surreal feeling. i was suddenly out on the big open road with each family member's life in my hands which were holding on to the steering wheel. and to think that i was that little girl who used to only dream of the day i would drive but never believed it would arrive and thus only resorted to taking turns with my brothers to be make-belief taxi-drivers driving each other to different countries or some other destination on our late great-grandma's swing or in our garden or front porch or our own beds.

today, aunty asha brought a game with her. it was a box of cards containing all sorts of questions. and one of them got me thinking. it went something like, "what is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of your childhood?" some said it was climbing trees. others talked about the memory of living in a shophouse or some kinds of food they used to eat. pravin talked about the balloon game called idiotic slimeball which i taught him and jeevan when we were younger. and this made me realise that what struck me most about my childhood was the imagination of us MUTTON-NI siblings combined. we actually came up with our own company called SPJ Pte Ltd (Shireen Pravin Jeevan Private Limited). We used to play "Office" where i'd be the boss and they were my employees and we'd be scribbling using pens (because adults used pens) on empty pieces of paper. (scribbling because it seemed like what adults did when they wrote cursive and signed their names here, there,everywhere) we punched buttons onto our mickey mouse calculators as though they were our computers. we came up with our own magazines and newspapers which i still keep. we made up the "news" for our newspapers and blatantly plagiarised "Did you know?" books to come up with articles for our "discovery" magazines. we actually intended to sell them but never did. we came up with our own concerts for special occasions. these were made up of our self-composed songs, self-choreographed dances and self-created scripts and characters. we went on our own adventures, making up all sorts of imaginary characters and weapons and tools and whatnot. we even had our own SPJ museum where we created a whole bunch of works made out of these thingies called "clever sticks" which were like lego blocks but as sticks instead. then we invited our neighbours over and shined torches on our exhibits which we even labeled as we pretended to be guides with our fake accents and brought them around our darkened room. we also invented and played all these silly games which only we could understand and think were fun. even as i was watching our italy trip videos the other day, i was still amused and amazed as i saw the craziness that shines forth whenever my brothers and i are together. filming a "twister"-style snippet on the top of the duomo in florence, italy. i'm sure the people around must've thought we were crazy. trying to film a "blair witch" style clip as we descended the eerie stairs which led us to the top of that duomo initially. it brought back memories of all the holidays when my brothers and i shared rooms together and had those room to ourselves. the crazy, fun and hilarious things we did!

just now, as i was driving them all home, my mom kept scolding me for driving too fast and my brothers kept defending me and complimenting my driving and it really made a difference. we fought alot, yelled alot, hit each other and pulled each other's hair alot, screamed all sorts of words at each other, told on each other all the time but i know without my brothers, life would be so different. we are just one helluva trio together! we are each so different and yet, we can understand each other so well. when i was a little girl back then, i never thought i'd say this...but i'll say it now. i really love my brothers, pravin and jeevan! and i thank god for them. they've brought me to and through many difficult times and a childhood i'll never forget. =)

just now, my brother saw the expensive bracelet i was wearing on my hand and told me the price of what i was wearing (because my mom revealed the price to him before) and that he would never have any of his girlfriends wear something like that. and i retorted that it was cos he was never going to buy something like that for them and he agreed. my mom made me wear the bracelet though. but i thought about it and i realised that i really am not that kind of girl. i'm not the kind of girl who will get impressed with flowers or expensive jewellery. not that i'd be ungrateful but i just don't have such a desire for these things. i told him that and he could understand because he knows that is just how i am. the kind of girl who would be more impressed with a really cool yo-yo or a gigantic book filled with guitar tabs of excellent songs or a fun do-it-yourself art thingy or something like that. in many ways, i have become a a young woman. and in many other ways, i'm still a little kid i think...

the days are going by so fast. the deadlines are fast approaching. the projects, exams, test and term paper....all piling and getting dangerously close. i keep reminding myself that there is a time for everything; for studying, for doing projects, for going to school, for attending meetings and of course, for resting and playing. and i think about all the small little moments of joy and fun throughout the day, and things just don't seem that bad or bad at all anymore. like when i think about the times with my friends and family. driving. the silly jokes i heard or told. the love shown to me by a stranger or by me to one. wonderful songs i got to listen to, new songs and old. the strange and interesting experiences throughout the day. soooo many things that remind me about what it is to be alive and what matters most.

I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must
Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...