sidenote: i was just telling my friend that i think God uses songs to talk to me. a few moments ago, it was alanis morissette. now, he used the beatles. i was changing the settings of my comments box and was just thinking of the words "like endless rain into a papercup." so i looked for the beatle's across the universe and decided that for zero comments i'd used the line "nothing's gonna change my world." then it suddenly hit me that it was totally related to the post i just posted about change! amazing! so God's also into the beatles i see...God and i should have tea together some time. only thing is, i don't drink coffee or tea. so boring, right?

obladi oblada in this life, change is a constant bla bla bla.

i like change. or maybe it's because i keep contracting the "grass-is-always-greener-on-the-other-side" syndrome. whatever it is, right now, i'm not coping with change too well.

not too long ago, i was feeling very down and i stated all my symptoms and upsets to a friend. i said that maybe i needed change. and he said, "i suspect that it's too much change for your liking." i thought, nar....

but now i think, yar...

everything's changing. it's like, the older u get, the more exponentially the amount of change in your life increases. and sometimes, it's just too much at one go. i'm just coping rather badly. i feel misunderstood. but i also feel that i may be misunderstanding some things that are important. it's really frustrating. and what makes me feel even more frustrated is my sense of helplessness, the fact that it's all happening at once and i can't stop or change any of it. how do you deal...

i guess i can try to change my attitude towards these changes instead. it's hard though. you might know what i mean. i guess only only one thing is constant. God. it's only our perception of him and his existence that changes just like everything else. sometimes, i just don't know whether to trust my thoughts or feelings, since they change so often too. so what or who can i trust? surely i must believe in something? oh gosh, now i'm totally confusing myself! help! good night!

hahahahahaha bah.

WOW! (oh damn, the link's gone. it's the theory about how everything in the universe will one day split into its simplest constituents, to put it simply)

Can you imagine what that must be like? everything exploding and falling apart, literally, around you...imagine, in slow motion, all you know just disintegrating into nothing, even the earth you walk upon...and to know you're not going to be spared. and would you try saving yourself? knowing that even if you did, there'd be nothing left, or worse, noone?

but think of it this way, we are not that much different from the ever-so-brilliant stars; we're made of the same stuff. and if the above were to happen, we'd die the same way as they do. supernovas. moby knew what he was saying when he said we're all made of stars.

at the moment i'm typing all this out, i'm listening to "save me" by kevin max. it's a beautiful song and somehow really compliments this entry, music and lyrics and all... haha. i strongly recommend it as a listen! go get it now!!!!

Sunrise, sunrise
Looks like morning in your eyes
But the clock's held 9:15 for hours

Sunrise, sunrise
Couldn't tempt us if it tried
'Cause the afternoon's already come and gone

And I say hooooo, oooooo, oooooo, oooooo
hooooo, oooooo, oooooo, oooooo
hooooo, oooooo, oooooo, oooooo
Do you?

i was sitting outside the interview room on thursday. i got a call from phaemie out of the blue in the morning to go down for the interview. but i was feeling lazy and didn't bother calling. then, i remembered my dreams of the maldives (or something like that) and how i would need money for it. so i left in the midst of the pouring afternoon rain, in a cab which swallowed up $11.70 worth of solid survival cash for the week. so, as i was saying, there i was sitting outside the interview room. and i couldn't help but sing norah jones "sunrise" over and over again. (i only know a few lines by heart. )
and wherever i went that whole day i just kept singing it. it's got this really cheerful effect over me in that, just singing it cheers me up! and it takes the seriousness out of life's "serious situations." for me at least!!

ah yes, yesterday was results day. i really didn't have much feelings about it prior to collecting that result slip. i came from work together with phaemie, who's now my colleague. she was really scared. so i told her to sing a song on the way to school and not think about it. so she started singing a song. haha. and i decided to do the same for myself while waiting for mars at the station. when she came, she told me that she had gotten a call from a teacher to say that she was going to be interviewed by berita harian(malay newspaper). i was like...this sounds familiar. in sec 4, nurul was sitting next to me, one of my best friends in class too. and she got interviewed as well(top malay student). i wonder what it is with me that my best friends always clinch some top student award or interview or something...don't you just wish to be my best friend? i'm like a muse or something man...haha. please disregard this crap.

i guess i'm happy with my results. don't shoot me but i think that it's not such a big deal. i mean, results aren't such a big deal. to me. probably why i'm not like estatic with joy right now or even was yesterday. well, yea, i was in temporary bliss yesterday but only temporarily. and hey, to those of you who aren't happy with your results, don't pull your hair out or kill yourself over it ok? results don't define who you really are. not to a large extent. and this education is only a minute fraction of the true education of our lives. and what matters is that we do not give up hope in ourselves because the big guy up there isn't going to anytime soon. cos he can see the big picture and we can't. and if you ask me, i think it's all good. and if it's not good now, don't worry! it's going to get better! trust me even if i don't know you and you don't know me and you happen to be reading this....i believe that there's always a way, even if you can't see it...life will bring you there, all we got to do is trust and move forward and never look back and dwell in the past. the future is an open white slate full of possibilities...don't deny yourself opportunities by dragging past concepts, impressions or situations into it! ok, i'm getting preachy but i hope you know what i mean. just never lose faith! it's ok to be upset for a while, disappointed even. but, just walk on after that. U2 has great songs for moments like these. haha and the soundtrack in my mind always plays them automatically when i'm down. go listen to them if you feel hopeless! "walk on" and "stuck in a moment." or just sing "sunrise"! haha...actually there are alot of things to do to remind ourselves of the goodness in a world like ours. it's whether we want to be reminded or not.

so anyway, for those in the dark, i lost my handphone! i left it in a cab on the way to my granduncle's wake/funeral. and i left it off! and i didn't know i left it in the cab until a few minutes later while emptying the contents of my bag to get it out for my lil cousins to play games on it. (boy were they upset with me!) anyway, so naturally, i didn't take the down the taxi number or the driver's name! all i know is that he had a booking for shenton way at 12.30pm on wednesday, 3rd march! i've called all the numbers i can call, but i haven't heard the good news yet! so i'm praying that the person who has my handphone is reading this right now and is going to send me an icq message to say that he/she is going to return me my phone! please!!! haha, it's really quite annoying because i have alot of contacts in there, especially with old friends...may God touch the heart of whoever has my phone and prickle his/her conscience till he/she returns it back to me! =p

And now the night
Will throw its cover down
mmmmm, on me again
Ooooh, and if I'm right
It's the only way to bring me back

hooooo, oooooo, oooooo, oooooo
hooooo, oooooo, oooooo, oooooo
hooooo, oooooo, oooooo, oooooo
Do you?

i went to the adidas warehouse sale on sunday. i couldn't find much stuff worth buying cos i came too late so i bought a hat and a shirt. The hat is too big for me. half my face is covered when i wear it. so i've been walking ard at home with this blue hat on my head trying to make the money spent on it worth something. the shirt i bought looks like something i'd wear for bowling. only thing i realised after i got home, it's a men's shirt. but who cares....it looks pretty girlish for a guy to wear anyway.

so well now, i'm still wearing my hat as i type. and it feels good walking ard the house wearing a hat such as this. makes a usual day bumming at home a bit more different and interesting. oh yes, you might be wondering why i'm bumming at home...i resigned from my job last friday. so that means i'm looking for another job. so i'm back to my favourite past time which is only my favourite when i'm at work or school. things are always my favourite when i don't get to do them or have them all the time.

i borrowed some vcds to watch over the weekend last. watched one just now, white oleander. it's ok. the book's far better though and i loved it...but i like the song at the end of the movie. >>> Safe and Sound by Sheryl Crow

haha silly me. i seem to miss my workplace now. but it all seems so far away already. my heart's always where i'm not. no wonder i'm always dreaming.