it's been a long day but i don't really feel the weight of it. every yesterday seems like a century ago. and somehow, when i fall into the present moment, i don't seem to regret a single yesterday. right now at least. sure there were unpleasant things that happened which i wish i could erase and somehow have to a certain extent. and there are things i know i must and want to do differently. but i am where i am now and i love it (it is far from perfection and yet, perfect) and it's those yesterdays that brought me here.

i was thinking about what happened yesterday (yesterday is still wednesday to me) and the more i think about it, the more i feel that though what happened was unpleasant, it was a was really a wonderful opportunity for me to grow. in case you're wondering what happened, well, to cut it short, i had met that same guy again and his intentions weren't all that pure. but somehow, after the fear and initial anger subsided, i still felt sorry for him. loneliness and rejection for years had turned him into who he was. and while he did have a choice on how he would respond to his losses and hurts, we all had a choice too. the people around him had a choice too. they could have chosen to stay, to love him, to help him. there's always something we can do. it's not always the things we do that hurt others. sometimes the things we do not do have greater consequences than we ever imagined. i don't think it's safe for me to go back there alone and it's sad because i think that's how it's been for him. people get scared and run away. a viscious cycle that feeds on itself. but i'm not really scared of him now though just a few hours ago, i was still feeling freaked out about it. i don't want to be another who contributes to the darkness in his life. god, please guide me...

yes, as crazy as it sounds, i'm thankful for yesterday because it opened the eyes of my heart to some very big things. could i love murderers and rapists and grumpy bitchy teachers and egoistical bullies just as i love my friends and family and the friendly shop-keeper and the bubbly little nun and my cute lil dog? could i still love the people who deceive me and hurt me and take advantage of me and run me to the ground especially when all i had were good intentions for them? would my anger and hate and ugly thoughts and words and actions be justified by the hurt others have placed upon me? is revenge really sweet? are nonchalance and apathy really resilience? are people who hurt me really people i should run away from and avoid and ignore or is the fact that they are in my life really a calling for me to love them and be a light for them in their darkness? likewise, who am i hurting and whose flame am i killing? do i only love when it's easy? does my love come with a price-tag and conditions attached?

i don't think that what happened was really as bad as it seems (what with all these questions and thoughts it triggered off) but it was enough. i know i was being looked out for and watched over and all i was there for was to learn and to love. and love was covering me and i had nothing to fear. even if something worse happened, it wouldn't take away that fire inside. temporarily, the flame might flicker. but only temporarily.

thank you so much for this day, this moment, this music, these words, these thoughts, these experiences, these blessings, the cool air, this roof over my head, these clothes to cover me and keep me warm, these hands to type these words, these eyes to see, these ears to hear, this computer, this bed i'm lying on, my family who loves me, aunty, reno, being able to go to school, a driving licence, food to fill my stomach, water to quench my thirst, and so much more...

and yet, even if i do not have all these, i still thank you for loving me and knowing me and choosing me to have life and to breathe...and with my one typing breath left, i say thank you... =)

(p.s. in another breath, where are you? i hope you are fine. you should know who you are.. =P)