not sure what happens inside me sometimes these days. contrary to the past, i don't really put meanings to most things these days. but yet, i think i subconsciously do. consciously not doing it while knowing that you subconsciously know what that meaning is, well, it has a numbing effect that makes me walk around with my eyes staring into a distant space at nothing or at things that are barely important at all. makes me feel a sense of relisience and strength, but i can't help but feel in the part of me that still feels and thinks, that maybe it's just pure indifference. it scares me to get thoughts like these especially when i think i've gotten a bit further from where i used to be. it's scary to find you haven't moved anywhere, or worse, fallen behind. i don't know whether i have though.

so i loiter downstairs sometimes at 1, 2 in the morning, not really thinking. plonking myself on the sofa, i channel-switch and hope for something better to come up on the screen with each flick. i smile a little watching a favourite sitcom or cartoon or music video, whatever. sometimes, maybe tear a little. after a while, i turn off the telly and go back up to my room, again not really thinking about anything. a part of me which is always hoping for something better thinks that it's only because i am living in the present. finally. but, as scary as it seems to know it and admit it if it really was the case, why do i feel like i am running away from the present by being so involved in it?

the restlessness stirs in my heart once again and i can sense under the jovial chatter and bright smiles, that something is amiss or off-balance within me. it's time to go home again...