no i haven't died. and i haven't given up on blogging. ;)

just feeling so utterly tired nowadays. i don't know why. but i have this inkling that it's because i've been thinking way too much for my own good. about...things.

my soul seems heavy. it seems to take way too much effort to drag it around. as though i were heaving a rotting carcass on my back. it seems too tiring to live, to talk, to smile, to open my eyes, to sleep, to eat, to be.

i want to be so much more than i am now. i want to change so many things. i want to say so much. i want to go somewhere.

but i don't know how. either that, or i'm just too afraid to. day by day, i seem to be losing that spark in me. till i now wonder whether it was ever really there. there's only so much brands essence of chicken i can gulp down in a day, right?

it appears to me that i've been worrying too much. i seem to be losing faith. in myself, in people, in my life, in god. i seemed to have let doubt creep into the crevices of my mind and slowly, i'm losing trust in the most important things. the things that matter. what's happening? why?

it's funny that when i start losing sight of things, i start wondering whether they ever existed in the first place. but a tiny glimmer of faith still remains. and a dash of hope too. that those things have always been there. and i want to stop fighting this losing battle. with worry and anxiety, i can never win. it's a sure way to suicide, in all sense of the word. sometimes i wonder if at times, i turned my depression into my heroine. the perfect drug for self-destruction. something tells me that i should just let go. to stop clinging on to such things. to unlock the chains i chained unto myself and just float away into the new day....

and a nagging voice amidst all the chicken voices in my head tells me that i should get up off my fat ass and do something about IT. now.

and a beautiful song which says it all for the moment : Bigger than my Body - John Mayer