i'm thankful yesterday sucked. really. it motivated me to make the extra effort to ensure that today was a day well-spent. i hate waste. i really do. and sometimes, i get so fed up with myself cos i find myself just wasting away. and the worst part is, i know it doesn't have to be that way. well, i guess that's also the best part too.

i've come to the conclusion, quite long ago actually, that one cannot really depend on people for joy. people are always gonna let us down. that's a fact. cos we all falter and we all fall. and i guess, sometimes i just put alot of unsaid expectations on my friends and the people i love. it's no wonder disappointments aren't rare. why doesn't she know i feel left out? or why doesn't he know that this really gets me down? or i would have done that for me if i were them. things like that. but not everyone is me. and sees things the way i do. so i guess i gotta give them room to breathe.

but does that mean that i'm allowing them to step all over me and not even know it? i guess the problem is, i always wait for them to turn around and see the footprints they left all over me. but is that the way? nope. not anymore. i'm not saying i'm going to grow old. no way. i couldn't possibly take it myself. i tried it before. it's called apathy. it's the poison of silent anger.

the root of it all is really me. i can control whether i want them to affecct the way i think, the way i feel. i can determine whether they're even going to step all over me in the first place. and if they do step all over me, it doesn't hurt to just tell them straight. actually, it might sting a bit. for both of us. but it's just like applying antiseptic on a wound, innit? it's tough to do all this. to find joy deep inside and not just through what's right infront of me. but i guess, once you find that joy inside, it's yours to keep and noone can take it away from you. yes, there are living testimonies to this. i know it's possible.

now, if only i had the courage and confidence.....

just gotta keep trying.