i guess embracing the unpredictability of life comes with embracing that an unpleasant turn of events is just as likely to happen as a pleasant one. would i still love life then? it's been something i've been thinking about.

so then, loving life really should depend not on the events. even if life should be so predictable that i should wake up every morning to listen to the same news, eat the same food, wear the same clothes, go to the same places, i should/could still be able to love it. even if a *peep* comes along and tries to storm on my perfectly sunny day, i should/could still be able to love it. and even if...

well, i'm thinking right now about many things. what if i were a prisoner, locked behind four walls in a dark room for years? what if i were a child who only woke up to abuse and went to sleep with a few more scars each night? what if i lost someone i loved? would i still be able to see any beauty and goodness which made me love life in the first place?

is there something i'm forgetting? is life meant to be loved? since we have to leave it? then again, i should be asking, why love anyone, since everyone will leave? but if life is more than this? am i loving life for the true reason it should be loved?

this entry started out with me fuming. which got me thinking how unpredictable again life was, that i should be smiling one minute and in tears, another. then i started thinking about how i said i loved the unpredictability of my life now and started wondering whether i would love it then in the midst of all my frustration, sadness or disappointment.

i know that i should just be. that all the above really seems like a waste of time now. the 3 words my mind finds so hard to follow though my heart really wants to...

be. here. now.

mmm mmm mmm mmm>>Try Not to Breath by R.E.M.