helllo!!!! "she's alive!!! alive!!!" yes i am.

actually, i've been alive for quite a while. just been sprinkling my thoughts, emotions and experiences all over the place, everywhere but here.

actually in 2 weeks, soooo many things have changed. i have actually got 2 posts i've saved as drafts and i've a feeling they'll remain that way. why? cos they don't apply anymore. everyday is soooo different, that i just don't have the passion to write about yesterdays. i feel like a new person each new day, these days. when i wake up in the morning, i just don't what to expect and at the end of the day, i replay the events of the day back and go "wow". you see, i'm just so amazed by life. i know i've said this a million times. but i'm so amazed but how everything has a greater divine purpose. it's reached the point where i see a cat by the side of the road and think to myself, that cat was to be here in the whole intricate and divine plan of life. it could've been anywhere else but it is here now. and there's a whole story behind it all which links to us all. the interconnectivity of all our lives. i don't know about you but looking at life in that way seems to make everything and everyone glow with some kinda mysterious light. everything just radiates.

also, i've learnt to view "suffering" in a different light. not that i've "suffered" alot, but these new eyes have been found through a particular book (St. Therese of Lisieux) i've been reading while i happened to be going through a dark period in my own life (which reminds me of how you can read a book at so many points in ur life but only read it at that particular time!). i find now that "suffering" is really a step closer to perfection (ultimate unity with and in God). i've repeated this so many times so if u're reading or "hearing" this again, too bad! haha. but looking at suffering with these new eyes, i say "bring it all on!". no, i'm not being a sadomasochist. i just want to reach that state of heaven faster. yes, i believe heaven is a state. but of course, if we don't learn through all our suffering (as we're meant to), i don't think we'll be reaching that state anytime soon. you see, i believe suffering is meant to purify us. lets look at religion. for the buddhists and hindus, there's cause and consequence, karma, kinda like to make up for sins in a "past life". for catholics, there's purgatory, which i believe is really a state. it's where we are "purged" from our sins so that when we can reach the state of heaven to be one with god, where we were meant to be. am i just saying all this to console us all for the shithole we say life is? NO. i firmly believe it and can feel myself resurrecting to new life and changing into a new person through each suffering i've gone through and risen out of. and i'm just as human as you and you and you.

also, i've learnt so much about prayer. that when we pray, we should totally surrender and trust. which reminds me of this line from the song Resist by Rush. "You can surrender without a prayer but never really pray, pray with surrender." why ask someone to do something if you're not sure he/she is going to do it? u know, i believe our prayers are truly heard and answered, in ways better than we expect, the best ways! because god is perfect and he knows better than us and has views of the situation from ALL angles! i know that god's listening. you know why? because he does answer my prayers and he has granted me the awarenes of that. which has led me to believe that god really listens. which leads me to the wonderful revelation that everytime we pray, we are establishing a wonderful and divine connection with god! how beautiful is that?

you see, friends, i can go on and on and on and on and on and...and you'd all just think i was mad or over-exagerating or whatever, but really, i can't TELL you about these things. i can't make them seem logical to you in the worldly sense. (though i've seemed to find my own logic in it anyway) it's gotta be experienced, all of it. that's why we have life!

you know, i'm not more special than anyone and noone is more special than me. god doesn't just listen to my prayers. it's not just me whom he grants graces to to get through "suffering". we're all meant to be glorious!

i still have much to learn and i know i've only barely scraped the tip of it all. and i can't wait to learn and experience the rest of it!!

And now it's time to say
What I forgot to say
Baby, baby, baby,
C'mon what's wrong?
It's a radiation vibe
I'm groovin' on
Don't it make you wanna get some sun
Shine on, shine on, shine on
-Radiation Vibe by Fountains of Wayne