so i finally watched it. lord of the rings: return of the kings! i loved it! despite the fact that it just seems to go on for like..forever! there just seemed to be so much in the show which i could identify with too. however, in consideration for those who haven't watched it or read it and do not wish their experienced to be marred because they accidentally stumbled upon some crap blog entry, i shall refrain from commenting further on this topic.

lets move on. so, i'm still jobless. but then again, i'm also fussy. but hey, i don't wanna spend these last few months of my last real long breaks before i enter into the "realer" world being stuck in a job i hate. i really do want to work, though i'm not really in a desperate situation now. ok, who's not doing it for the extra bucks? but i also want to do it for experience. so i feel that i have a right to be fussy to some extent. not everyone thinks so. but who cares? haha. this is me. at this moment.

ah yes, met my ex-netball coach on the way out of the theatre just now. i used to be so afriad of her. in fact, when i was in netball in sec school, i really wanted to quit to join softball because i really loved softball. but i just didn't have the guts to face the coach to tell her i wanted to quit...but she heard rumours! and she confronted me abt it one day. i was shivering in my bones man. but she was really nice abt it. she didn't force me to stay. but she showed me how much she believed in me. and i just felt that i couldn't let her down. and so i stayed till the end. and never did join softball. don't get me wrong, the netball experiences were worth it. we went further than i ever thought we would. whether others would beg to differ or not, i thought she was a really good coach. once, when i sprained my ankle at training, she drove me to the sinseh and accompanied me. i think the best kind of coaches are those who do not just discuss game strategies but life strategies as well.

i didn't give up my softball dream though. i swore to myself i'd join softball when i left secondary school and got into jc. and that's exactly what i did. but it was short-lived. i had to leave rj and go to ac after the fist 3 months. i was devastated mostly because my softball dreams had been dashed, just like that. and so my cca for my whole jc life was really screwed up and one helluva mess. there was just nothing else i was really interested in. i ended up joining and quiting so many. i don't know whether i'll ever get to join softball again, but i'm still holding on to that dream. cos it ain't over till it really is.

i realised that ever since i started blogging, my writing style has become very..extremely disorganised, almost as bad as my mind. and today, as i was practising for my SAT II writing which i'll be sitting for this sat, it was more apparent than ever. so many random thoughts and ideas, i just keep going, and there's no stopping. and noone will understand what i'm saying other than myself. it's probably the same for this blog.

u know i feel that i'm learning and changing so much inside these days. i feel like i'm starting to see things so differently from how i used to see them before. i still crack the same jokes. i still do the same old things. i still feel i'm the same shireen as before. but not really the same. and i want to share so much and tell u so much but i'm afraid it'll only be in vain. because u haven't seen or experienced or felt what i have. (i don't really know who this "you" is. ) and so, i feel so helpless that though i know and understand what you're going through or feeling, i can't help you or tell you what you need to know. because you can't and won't be able to see it. so i just sit there and listen and take it all in. i try to say part of what i need to tell you but i realise these words are merely words to you, all futile. so then, maybe it's not my place to tell you all these but for you to learn the lesson you must learn yourself. i feel like a bird trapped in an open cage. (yea, i ripped that line off U2's "walk on") that i can fly away, but i'm still shackled here. by what, i don't know. ok, i do know.

if you understand what i'm trying to say, you who read this, my my , i applaud you. i'm not really typing out everything i really need to say. there's too much and what does it matter anyway, all these words...

anyway here's a pretty neat song. with pretty..interesting lyrics. by a pretty cool geek rock band. the kinda song which says hey so the world's all weird and screwed-up but i don't care i'm just gonna sit here and drink my mexican wine cos nothing's that serious and life's still sweet.

ah this entry's turning out like crap and it's misery and humiliation should be put to an end. and shireen should actually try to sleep.

but in the meantime, here's fountains of wayne's "mexican wine".

He was killed by a cellular phone explosion
They scattered his ashes across the ocean
The water was used to make baby lotion
The wheels of promotion were set into motion

(chorus)
But the sun still shines in the summer time
I'll be yours if you'll be mine
I tried to change but I changed my mind
Think I'll have another glass of mexican wine

She lived alone in a small apartment
Across the street from the health department
She left her pills in the glove compartment
That was the afternoon her heart went

(chorus)
And the sun still shines in the summer time
I'll be yours if you'll be mine
I tried to change but I changed my mind
Think I'll have another glass of mexican wine
Think I'll have another glass of mexican wine

I used to fly for United Airlines
Then I got fired for reading high times
License expired in almost no time
Now I'm retired and I think that's fine

(chorus)
Because the sun still shines in the summer time
I'll be yours if you'll be mine
I tried to change but I changed my mind
Think I'll have another glass of mexican wine
(repeat 2x)

Think I'll have another glass of mexican wine
Won't you have another glass of mexican wine