i've been pretty much cooped up at home though it's the holidays now. sheryl left for her sailing trip today. jac recited to me her whole schedule of tete-a-tetes with old friends in nice coffee places ( i don't drink coffee but i like hanging out in those places). another friend is resuming with driving lessons. another tells me how excited she is about her swimming session with her cousin. on and on and on. so you're wondering why am i stll cooping myself up at home?

i sprained my ankle last friday during a futsal competition in school. it was only the qualifying rounds. i had no school that day but had to rush down all the way only because of this. each round consisted 2 halves, each lasting 5 mins. we had only 2 games to play. during the second game, that's when it happened. i was going for a header, flying in the air, eyes on the ball when WHAM BAM BETCHA SAM i was knocked off my course of landing. a crick was heard as my left feet collided with the groud and i found myself rolling on the court, too traumatised to cry, breathing in and out like there was no tomorrow.

"oh my gosh! how's your head??"

"NOT MY HEAD, MY ANKLE!!!"

"oh man, did you hurt your head??"

"MY ANKLE, MY ANKLE!!"

"OH, her ankle!! ok,where's the ice??"

the team played again on monday and they got a 2nd overall. and i received a message asking me when i was free to collect my medal. haha.

i was very touched by the whole incident though. first of all, i was playing amongst a group of strangers. that day was the first time i had met my team. there were also a few people whom i had gotten to know the week before at women's soccer training. so many people were trying to help me, some i didn't even know at all. finally, when i had to get up to walk to the taxi, i found that i couldn't walk at all and ended up being carried! i didn't even get their names, all these people. but thank you, all of you! i appreciate it sooo much!

u know, spraining my ankle this time is very different. it's different from all the other times i've sprained my ankle/s. and believe me, i've sprained my ankle/s one time tooo many. i couldn't walk at all the whole weekend and had to use crutches. my room's on the third floor and everyday, i'd find myself hopping up and down 3 storeys on my right leg! but that's not why it's different. it was the fact that i was happy and finding the whole thing exciting and refreshing. yea, i was a bit pissed off in the beginning. but not for long.

u see, i realised that noone owed me anything. and yet, so many people came to my aid. be it holding the door open for me, risking back injury to carry me, getting me a piece of chicken wing, taking me to the sinseh....why? some might say people have their own agendas up their sleeves but what about those who'd only ever meet me once, which was the time they'd helped me? it's a beautiful experience. sometimes we wonder why this world is such a shithole. when i realised i'd sprained my ankle, i felt that way. but all i saw was more goodness that anything else.

also, i was filled with deep awe for the doctors who treated me. the sinseh (chinese physician) is psychic i tell you! i was just sooooo amazed!

another story. i was so afraid to walk for a while. everytime i wanted to, the pain would hit me hard and i'd be calling myself an idiot in all languages. after a while, i got so scared i didn't dare walk anymore. it was really tiring being on my right leg all the time. my armpits were seriously hurting from using the crutches. i was pretty much rolling around on my study chair most of the time. i felt so crippled but i didn't want to leave the comfort on not having to feel pain. then a thought occured to me. that it was possible i'd become the girl who never walked again...not because i could not but because i dared not. all because of a sprained ankle. the thought sounded awfully ridiculous and crazy to me, yet possible all at once.

oh gosh no, i thought to myself. that should never happen! and i took my first step and it hurt like mad but i managed to find a way to walk where it would not hurt too much. and i kept at it. then i realised, the more i walked, the less painful it became! it still hurts when i walk, right now as i type. but i know that pretty soon, i'll be walking freely again. even running and jumping for headers soon!

but what's the lesson here?? i learnt that many of us could possibly end up like the girl who would never walk again just because of a sprained ankle. we are so scared of the pain that comes from being separated from our crutches and wheelchairs and having to walk on our own two feet. the fear of the pain causes us to retreat to them. and everytime we want to try again, we're reminded of the fear and retreat again. till one day, we'd just never walk again. what crutches? what wheelchairs?

people who dive into one relationship after another looking for home, looking for security...people who fill themselves up with drugs, booze and nicotine and can't seem to live without them...people who are on a constant quest for money and power to feel a sense of worth...these are our crutches and our wheelchairs...

it will hurt when we start to walk. but it is the pain of separation. pretty soon, you find it no longer hurts that much. you find you're less crippled than when you first started out. you find that your fear has been turned into joy and love.

do you want your armpits to hurt forever or your right leg to grow bigger while your left turns flabby? or your ass to grow so heavy you'd never be able to get up again?? do you want to be crippled forever? you know what i mean. get up and walk. it takes faith and perseverance and patience.