jeremy and i rushed off in a cab from school so that i would make it in time for my driving lesson. it was raining pretty hard. i was taking lessons for a while last year and then got lazy because school started and i managed to find a gazillion reasons not to go for lessons. i don't know why i did that because driving lessons are quite fun. the feeling of being in control is scary and exhilirating all at once and sometimes, aunty helen and i will hum together to the song playing on radio and it's pretty nice.

it's something about me and making commitments i guess. i hate it whenever i make a commitment to something because the very first thing i always want to do after making a commitment is to run away. it makes me feel like i've chained myself to the ground, whether it is taking up dance lessons, joining some activity in school, signing up for a course or a camp or something fun, getting a job....it's not that i even hate the things i made a commitment to. i made a commitment to them in the first place because they were things i clearly thought i would enjoy doing. but the fact that i have to make a commitment to them just makes me feel like backing out all at once. no wonder i leave so many things half-done in my life and so, what does that say about me?

anyway, after many months of disappearance, i finally appeared infront of aunty helen today, even braving the rain and splurging on cabfare. lo and behold, she refused to let me drive! but it was not her fault. i had waited so long till my pdl (provisional driving license) expired and i could not renew it at the centre because now, we have to go to the post office and obviously there were none around. and i just wasn't bothered about that cos i was getting drenched in the rain, umbrellaless. so, there was nothing much i could do. i just continued walking in the rain, since i was already dripping and took the bus home.

strange. something about the rain and me too.

so many questions till race through my mind from time to time. why? what if? would you? too many. but i decided that even if they were answered, things would still never be the same again. i thought that perhaps the answers would give me a sense of closure. but i realised that there are some things i already feel and know that are enough for closure and these answers alone will not change anything. no more questioning, no more wondering....

i'm really starting to see these things very differently now. i definitely hope it's not spiralling into a certain kind of cynicism but i do not take it so seriously anymore. perhaps i have been disillusioned. perhaps i am tired. perhaps it is a wake-up call. what if i am already awake? how many wake-up calls does one need then? it's like the persistent ringing of an alarm clock you can't shut up though you've been awake for hours. perhaps it works in reverse and if i fall asleep, it might shut up. maybe that's the problem with me; constantly fighting inside. "just give it a break, shireen..." oh yes.