we really should have a proper closure for melt and reenie go to wildwood. i mean, if we ever go back there. then we can have another blog entitled, "melt and reenie go to wildwood again" or something like that. soon, soon.

i was eating my dinner just now, a pretty late one, and i was watching this show on channel 5 after the news. it was talking about near death experiences. it's funny because there i saw father mike sitaram and dr. ang yong guan, amongst others. one catholic priest, one buddhist monk, one muslim cleric and one psychiatrist. dr. ang yong guan exlained near death experiences by describing the functions of each of the 3 parts of the brain and what happens when we are in a state of unconsciousness in near death experiences. the muslim cleric talked about divine intervention. the buddhist monk talked about karma and how near death experience is still not yet death. father mike talked about how he kept having dreams about playing basketball though he never did much in real life. dr. ang pointed out a freudian slip and they laughed. what do you do? what if you thought you saw heaven and it was not? what if you never believed in heaven and saw it? what do you do?

following that, i watched castaway from start to finish for the first time. it was so painful to watch for the most part of it. what do you do? what do you do when for 4 years, all you did was to think of the love of your life, gazing upon her face in a little photograph, day and night, fighting for the will to survive, only to come back and lose her...again? what do you do?

smashing pumpkin's appels + oranjes says it pretty eloquently.

what if the sun refused to shine?
what if the clouds refused to rain?
what if the wind refused to blow?
what if the seas refused to wave?
what if the world refused to turn?
what if the stars would hesitate?

what if, what is isn't true?
what are you going to do?
what if, what is isn't you?
does that mean you've got to lose?
digging for the feel of something new

what if the silence let you dream?
what if the air could let you breathe?
what if the words would bring you here?
what if this sound could bring you peace?

what if, what is isn't true?
what are you going to do?
digging for the feel of something new
what if, what is isn't you?
does that mean you've got to lose?

it came from your thoughts, your dreams and visions
ripped up from your weeks and indecisions

what if the sun refused to shine?
what if the clouds refused to rain?
what if the world refused to turn?
what if the clocks would hesitate?

what if, what is isn't true?
what are you going to do?
what if, what is isn't you?
does that mean you've got to lose?
digging for the feel of something new

does that mean you've got to choose?
the feel of something new
does that mean you've got to lose?
the thoughts you cannot lose
what are you gonna do?

sometimes, knowledge disappoints me. because sometimes i want so much to believe in some kind of magic. but magic is really, the consequence of deception, right? will dr. ang look at me now and say there's a freudian slip over here? will a real castaway somewhere still believe in life and love?

i would have probably been telling you all this if you were with me right now. and you would be listening to me like it's the most important thing in the world, no matter how silly, no matter how crazy and warped it all sounds even to myself. and then you'd smile or laugh with me or wipe away my tears should it sadden my heart so. and if you couldn't hear it, you'd tell me to write it all down because you don't want to miss anything. and i can't begin to describe how the goodness of your heart and the way you love me touches me so. i can't talk to you tonight. or tomorrow night. or tomorrow tomorrow night. i hope you're ok. i hope you're well. i miss you.