for some time, i started to forget who i was. i started to stop seeing the beauty in me, only black holes filled with demons that would haunt me and others around me every second. i could not find anything redeeming about myself in your eyes. i felt myself just crumbling into nothingness infront of you as i tried desperately to find something to say, something to do, that would make you see i was worth it.

then i got tired and i stopped and took a look around, inside, outside. saw the mess i had left behind from some sort of sick self-mutilation with a foolish purpose behind it. realised how silly i was. no, actually, you didn't do anything to make me feel this way. i just kept feeling that i needed to prove something. then again, maybe if you had actually done something, it might have helped.

but it's ok. i don't hate myself anymore, even when i'm infront of you. i know that the fact i was born makes me worthy because nothing is a coincidence and god does not make mistakes. i am not angry and i don't hate you. i just got lost so much in you for a while that i forgot.

i don't really understand how these things work. i don't understand how alot of things work actually. but i'm trying to and i'm getting stronger and braver. and i don't fear you that much anymore and i want to know you more and love you....

***

you = people i used to be afraid of. sometimes, i just get so scared of people. i hate that feeling. fear is so crippling and so frustrating. there's so much love to give and it's frustrating cos it'll only ever remain inside because of fear, which is essentially the consequence of obsession with meaningless, irrational thoughts. i think i'm getting better...

***

i feel really good today. a certain sense of liberation. some days, my heart is heavy, filled with anxiety and worry. my mind is continuously troubled and i cannot see a happy ending. then all of a sudden, a thought springs into my mind and it makes everything else dissolve into nothingness. "what are you so afraid of? what do you fear? what IS there to fear?" and at once, a certain sense of calm and peace fills me. i don't know how to describe it well enough so you'd understand. it's like one moment you're falling helplessly in a whirlpool of life's complications, your heart beating with fear and anxiety as you anticipate the pain when you crash down at the bottom. then, suddenly, everything around you vanishes and it's all clear and calm. and instead of falling, you are now floating. you're being lifted up but you can't see by what or whom. you don't feel scared anymore. all you feel is pure bliss. it's just this sense of wonder and awe and complete trust. and you know you're a child again.

i look forward to these experiences in life. they're like random little pieces of heaven which occur when you least expect it them to. i know i can do this. i know i will get through it all.