to float away...

sometimes do you wonder
what is real strength of character
to stay or to run?

will the sun rise tomorrow? probably. will i rise to greet it? who knows.

why can't i feel it in my bones? i see flashes, glimpses from time to time. it makes me gleam inside. i go to bed with a smile. but, why have i never felt it in my bones? why has it always been merely a yearning to feel? i felt it in my bones once.

it's like being tossed about in a psychedelic spin of a never-ending circus full of pirouettes and prances, carousels and clowns. what is real?

i sometimes feel like i am not part of my body. during these times, i look at everyone, and i know they are not their bodies and suddenly, i feel as connected to a stranger or to my boss as i am to myself and to my mother or father. and then i think of you and everything becomes as real as it looks, encapsulated by bodies, jars, doors, once again. because you became distinct. and then, so did i. how should it actually be? i'm tired of trying to live according to what it should be. i just want to be. to be nothing and everything. to be so empty that i'm bursting with life, with love. to be a little speck of light and a big bright beam with my smile floating like a thin film over everyone and everything, over my lover and my friends and my family and all i've ever known and loved.

what will i do if i should greet the sun in the morrow? my eyes hurt.