yesterday, i was on the train and i heard the opening guitar riff of this song before my ipod died on me. snow patrol's somewhere a clock is ticking. the song died before the words could be sung and i found myself continuing the song in my head. only thing was, i was singing one line over and over again...

"in slow motion, the blast is beautiful.."

like a record that got stuck somewhere and kept repeating a particular line over and over again.

the day still looked gorgeous and i couldn't wait for the rest of it. perhaps i'd go play on the swings before i walk home, maybe wave at mervin as his bus passes me by, even a nice drive with amama and my brothers later on, followed by a nice chat with mervin later...

then, i really have no idea how it got so bad. i didn't want it to get so bad. the only thing i wanted was for you to stop. i didn't care about the car anymore. i didn't know why you were saying the things you did and you could see it was making me mad but you just didn't stop. i threw the plate on the floor (i didn't want to throw it at you, i just needed to bang something, make a loud noise), i shouted a string of words of which i don't remember a single one except F and i ran out of the house.

"in slow motion, the blast is..."

i just wanted you to stop. your words really cut me, they were so uncalled for. it was just a bloody car. but still, i could have handled it better. i already said it to you but i'll say it again. i shouldn't have thrown that plate, i shouldn't have used vulgarities and now, i think, i shouldn't have run away. i acknowledge what i've done. and i acknowledge that because of what happened, a line of other upsets occured of which i really never intended to happen. while i am sorry for the things i've done, you know that all our hands are stained in this because not one of us chose to be loving or gracious. and right now, it really doesn't matter anymore who's right and who's wrong because at the end of the day, you'll believe what you believe and i'll believe what i believe and he'll believe what he believes. peace won't be attained through persuasion and blame. only through building bridges together. whether it is the iraq war or just a stupid petty sibling fight over some metal and leather.

what happened has already happened. i can't take back my disgusting words or rewind the motion of the metallic plate hitting the marble with the mutton bones flying everywhere. you can't take back your words or your actions either. life is not a blog where we can delete a badly-written post. things happen and people are the way they are and the grass is green the way it is green. i accept everything you are and are not. lets be friends (all of us). i'd love you to be mine.

p.s. and to mervin, papa, jeevan and aunty who were also upset as a result of all this and my actions, i am truly sorry and thank you for being so patient with me.