there's a line from ub40's higher ground that keeps resounding in my mind. the more i learn, the less i know about before. these days, i feel lost. i feel like my magic carpet's been swept from under my feet and i'm the process of falling, floating between the sky and the ground and i haven't hit my head or cracked my ass yet on the cold concrete.

i realised that i have this constant need to know whether the things i've done are right or wrong. i need validation always. and what happens when validation differs from one person to another? what if i'm invalidated and told i should be someone else i find so hard to be? world, do you know what i've been doing? i make myself wrong and apologise for who i am. and with everyone telling me so many different things, can you just imagine how many times and for how many things i've apologised for? do i have a right to be angry? or am i wrong to be angry? do i have a right to say anything i want? or am i wrong for not considering that the one thing i say might hurt you as harmless as it seems to me. should i do this? or should i not? right wrong right wrong.

and what really is bugging me right now is this. without all these validations from all these validating people, who is shireen? what would shireen do? what would shireen choose? it's a scary thought.

and the other thing that bugs me is this. i could swallow all my pride, go to the ends of the earth for someone, allow someone to push my buttons like mad and call me all sorts of things and when i make one mistake or have a flaw pointed out to me of which i can do nothing about, at the end of the day, i find myself apologising for EVERYTHING, really believing that i was wrong all along. i gather evidence to prove it even. how crazy is that?

i am feeling very tired now. lost. confused. stoned out. and very alone. i don't know who to tell all this to. it's one of those days i really am not so sure who i am. and i have all these decisions to make. internships, exchange, my future, what i want. i don't really feel like being around anybody. i'm sick and tired of validating myself by other people's yardsticks. and you know what, i can even imagine right now certain people who might be reading this post later (if ever) who might be shaking their heads at how weak and emotional and silly i am, telling me this is all my fault, but you know what, i don't really feel like caring about what you think right now. just let me be.

yet, as angsty as this post may seem, i'm also thankful for these "jagged little pills". alanis couldn't have put it better. and now, time for some ub40 to end of this post on a bittersweet note.

Moon and stars sit way up high
Earth and trees beneath them lie
The wind blows fragrant lullaby
To cool the night for you and I
On the wing the birds fly free
Leviathan tames angry sea
The flower waits for honeybee
The sunrise wakes new life in me.

And every hour of every day I'm learning more
The more I learn, the less I know about before
The less I know, the more I want to look around
Digging deep for clues on higher ground

The fishes swim while rivers run
Thru fields to feast my eyes upon
Intoxicated drinking from
The loving cup of burning sun
In dreams I'll crave familiar taste
Of whispered rain on weary face
Of kisses sweet and warm embrace
Another time another place

And every hour of every day I'm learning more
The more I learn, the less I know about before
The less I know, the more I want to look around
Digging deep for clues on higher ground