love may be severe, but never cruel...i think these are the words i've been searching for these past few days. too many times, i do not where to draw the line. i think i am being kind but i confuse "niceness" with "kindness". i'm sorry if i've patronised anyone. i'm sorry if i said yes to anyone with skewed intentions. i really am.

a familiar restlessness stirs in me again telling me that in spite of all the late nights of sharing that's been going on and all the time i've spent in church, i still seem to be kind of missing the point. i don't think i'm being too hard on myself, maybe too soft even.

is it because i have become lukewarm? i can't bear to be lukewarm. the more stagnant these waters become, the more torrential the rains become inside.

moments of inspiration burst forth like lightning, enlightening and lightening. but as fast as lightning fades, so do they. but to leave a scar on my heart forever, lightning must pierce it. it may singe initially, but i know it's worth it. love may be severe, but never cruel.

it feels like i'm trying to win back something i keep losing. i don't know why i need to do that. i don't even want those things. but i am proud and weak. sometimes, i allow desire to get the better of me and i create and play games where i feel the need to win, just so that i will not feel so lousy about myself. i am scared of losing again but why should i be when there was no game to play in the first place? and the games i lost were the ones i created anyway. the real game is in fighting the urge to create these games and play them (i think that is what i'm trying to fight so hard right now). yet, i create them as though i were giving myself another chance to win. like a compulsive gambler who doesn't know when to stop, thinking to himself, just one more, give me just one more shot, this might be the one i win! and who knows whether he'll treasure his winnings or not. he just needs to know that he wasn't that unlucky, that life wasn't at odds with him, that even he had a shot. but it's not going to stop, it's not going to stop till i wise up (thanks miss aimee mann). i will keep fighting and keep losing, keep fighting and keep losing, again and again, until i learn, until this lesson pierces my heart (and not just my thoughts); that i don't have to play that game and i don't have to prove that i am not lousy and that i am worthy. it will never stop until these words are engraved deep into my heart and not just rolling freely from the tip of my tongue or fingers....

"i may be able to speak the languages of human beings and even of angels, but if i have no love, my speech is more than a noisy gong or a clanging bell. i may have the gift of inspired preaching; i may have all knowledge and understand all secrets; i may have the faith needed to move mountains - but if i have no love, i am nothing. i may give away everything i have, and even give up my body to be burned - but if i have no love, this does me no good.

love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. love never gives up; and its faith, hope and patience never fail.

love is eternal. there are inspired messages but they are temporary; there are gifts of speaking in strange tongues, but they will cease; there is knowledge, but it will pass. for our gifts of knowledge and of inspired messages are partial; but when what is perfect comes, then what is partial will disappear.

when i was a child, my speech, feelings and thinking were all those of a child; now that i am an adult, i have no more use for childish ways. what we see now is like a dim image in a mirror; then we shall see face-to-face. what i know now is only partial; then it will be complete - as complete as god's knowledge of me.

meanwhile, these three remain; faith, hope and love; and the greatest of these is love."

wow, i was merely thinking about how love is not jealous or proud or conceited (the way i feel so tempted to be these days and yet have the nerve to think i am not) and thought about this passage. and as i was typing it out, every line captured perfectly the thoughts darting fast and furiously in my mind these past few weeks. the restlessness that stirs from the nothingness of my being where love is lacking. the selfish pride that consumes me at times. even the blissful thoughts i described to be like lightning, only temporary. the partiality of all i know or want to know. and yet, possessing the hope that stems from my conviction that all that is hidden will be revealed.

i'm not sad but i sense a nudge, or a tug on my sleeve prompting me to tense my muscles that are slackening. it usually comes in the form of this restlessness and i am always thankful for these moments.

but it doesn't end there. how can one not be in awe? how can one not be touched? as i was typing the previous paragraph, i suddenly remembered something i had read in one of my currently overdue library books, "manual of the warrior of light" by paulo coelho. and as i was randomly flipping through the book looking for the line i wanted to recall, every single page i randomly flipped to seemed to reflect everything i was thinking and/or typing here, in the exact words as they were in my head. and i am filled with a certain conviction that my prayers never go unheard no matter how small and trivial or how dramatic and complicated and that my questions will all be answered in time. we can hear this voice of love, speaking through us through all of creation for what is creation but an act of love.

i could go on and on, i really could! where could i run where i cannot feel your love? don't let me start with the miracle of the taxi this morning where with a really doubtful heart, i prayed against all odds and the peak hour traffic and the unstrategic location i was waiting at, uttering only the first few words of my prayer before seeing a taxi suddenly swerve from the third to the first lane while approaching the traffic light in the distance and finally stop right infront of me without me hailing it. or about how you taught me, patiently and persistently, through all the moments of my life, leading to this moment, how to finally say no and find the courage to tell the truth. you had to be severe, but you remained faithful still. and the people, oh how you loved me through them and how you nourished me with that love to help me grow. some of them had to be the bad guys, and while it was a lesson in their own journeys, it was also one in mine. how ingenius! those eyes blazing like fire, your voice like a roaring waterfall...

"warriors of light always have a certain gleam in their eyes.

they are of thisworld, they are part of the lives of other people and they set out on their journey with no saddlebags and no sandals. they are often cowardly. they do not always make the right decisions.

they suffer over the most trivial things, they have mean thoughts and sometimes believe they are incapable of growing. they frequently deem themselves unworthy of any blessing or miracle.

they are not quite sure what they are doing here. they spend many sleepless nights, believing their lives have no meaning.

that is why they are warriors of light. because they make mistakes. because they ask themselves questions. because they are looking for a reason - and they are sure to find it."

i think we are all called to be warriors of light. i am constantly searching, i get tired and restless, i fight many battles day in day out, dark rings form under my eyes, but there is a gleam in those very same eyes. i am hopeful always, i am rejoicing always. is it my way of lying to myself just to console myself? am i in denial? maybe, once upon a time, when i forgot everything. but now, i'm starting to remember.

and well, i think i should end this post for today. but before i do, this is my prayer. jars of clay, i hope you don't mind...

I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nail that still remains
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
Battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain,
And wash my feet and cleanse my pride
Take the selfish, take the weak,
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
My sin-soaked heart - make it yours
Take my world all apart,
Take it now, take it now
And serve the ones that I despise
Speak the words I can't deny
Watch the world I used to love
Fall to dust and blow away
I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nail that still remains
Steal my heart and take the pain
Take the selfish, take the weak
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
Take my world apart
Take my world apart
And I pray, and I pray, and I pray
Take my world apart
Worlds apart

-Worlds Apart, Jars of Clay