i can't believe a week has passed already and yet it feels more like a year. like a bolt of lightning, like a car crash, like an electric shock, like a twist at the end of an m. night shyamalan movie...that's what some days are like...

sometimes, we want so much to believe that something really is the way it is and then, the truth (i don't say reality) jolts us and sweeps the magic carpet from under our feet and we lose our balance. and the few seconds of free falling dash by so fast and before you know it, you've hit the ground. but as you are falling and as you finally lie on the ground, you begin to see things from new perspectives. and so now, you wipe the dust from the past off and walk off in a new direction. it feels weird at first because everything feels new and unfamiliar, but you have to keep going, you must. your friends might think you're suffering from multiple-personality disorder, your brother might think you've really lost it this time, your cousins are not used to you actually talking about something besides music, your neighbour isn't used to you smiling at her, your parents are worried when you start asking them weird questions...it's unnerving alright, not just for them, but especially for you. you might find yourself clawing back for the old because it is so tempting to want to go back to the old life. isn't it amazing the things people can get used to, the way darkness can feel like home? time to move house, baby...

and you know what else? don't be surprised to find yourself all alone when you fight these battles. the toughest and most real battles of our lives are fought inside and they are fought alone. your mother, your best friend, your coach....they may be there cheering you on, waving the poms poms or giving you advice, but ultimately, noone is going to fight that battle but you. fear is not your friend, but love will see you through. love is truth and is perceiving something just as it is, it is devoid of illusion. isn't that actuality? (and there is only one who is totally in a state of actuality and the one who is with you always) fear, fear is full of illusions, it deceives. and as i am typing these thoughts, i get a message from a dear friend who quotes a line in star wars: fear, makes cold colder and makes dark darker.

so i thank you for this week, for the solitude, for the moments of contemplation, for the pain, for the things you have chosen to reveal, for the love you have blessed me with, for the honesty, for the trials and temptations, for the confusion and disillusionment, for the tears, for the turmoil, for the shocks, and also, for the beautiful walks home and the golden hue of sunset upon the trees and fields, for the song-filled busrides, for the books so rich, for the lovely dinners cooked by my mom, for the messages of care and concern and warmth, for the good cheer of friends and family, for the tuesday night sky sprinkled with stars, for the kind samaritan soul of my brother with a cast on one arm who brought an umbrella to the busstop to shelter me from the rain, for every single moment that i breathe, every single beautiful moment in which love is brought to perfection.

you know my heart. you know i am fearful and anxious about so much, far too much. but you know how much i hope in you and your goodness and how my heart yearns to trust in you. and with this hope, you know how my heart rejoices every moment, through gentle breezes and stormy weather. teach me, mould me, use me, guide me. i surrender this week and all it holds. i surrender this heart and all it holds.