on wednesday, i was waiting for a bus at the bustop near my house and i was thinking about the little time i had left. 4 months of holidays seem really long but suddenly, it has all dashed past me in a whiz. in 4 months, so much has changed. and so much has remained the same or gone back to what it was before, coming full circle as they say. whoever they are.

i thought about convocation coming up on saturday for the freshies. about confirmation on saturday for the sec 3s and a few others and my own brother. i thought about all the people who wanted to meet on saturday. my orientation group freshies. the mafia (my section facils). the teacuppers (my group of friends in school). msc pple (mustard seed community). and of course, there was my family. and i thought about phaemie flying off early on saturday morning. i thought about the lack of white spaces i had left in the calender of my life.

i thought about all the things i had to do in the few days i had left before school started on monday and before all the things that were going to happen on saturday happened. from very trivial stuff to very important stuff. getting my blue shirt, black skirt and black shoes for convocation. sending out the mail to the freshies in my group. booking my driving lesson. arranging facil stuff for the upcoming sec 2 camp. music practice for the sec 2 camp. reformatting my computer and configuring it to the school network. exercising. family. spending as much time with phaemie as i can before she leaves.

i just felt overwhelmed. it suddenly occured to me how desperate for time i was. desperate because all the itsy bitsy nitty gritties were robbing me off time for the more important things like spending time with the ones i love. and the lyrics of the arkarna song started playing over and over in my mind...

"so little time so much to do
i'd rather spend my days with you"

immediately, i whipped out a little black notebook from my bag which i bought from qiu xin for $2.50 last saturday to support SMU touch rugby which i have no part of. it says "i'm on vacation"in orange infront. and i wrote down 5 different headings (wed, thurs, fri, sat, sun) on an empty page and under each heading, started writing out all the things i had to do so that i could find little empty spaces where i could squeeze time out from. i know that if my parents read this, they will say "wake up earlier!" or "sleep earlier!" isn't that the case? our parents sometimes tell us the common sensical stuff. we sometimes keep hearing things we already know. but these things don't always click until they do. know what i mean?

u know, sometimes u feel at peace with everything and then sometimes, u start to feel a certain restlessness in you, but be thankful. don't ignore this restlessness. it's trying to tell you that something's not in order. and i know something's not in order recently. and i have a vague idea. i guess it's because of the fact that i've not really been "present". i feel disoriented alot. my mind is not really where it should be. always thinking about where to go, what to do. as though life is one big rush. and when that happens and my mind is everywhere and yet nowhere, is it any wonder that my thoughts are far away from god? yes, whenever i feel a certain sense of restlessness, i know it could mean alot of things but it definitely boils down to one thing...my centre is not where it should be. and i guess a disorderly, messy, chaotic lifestyle doesn't really help. i mean, if i can manage to stay centred where i should despite that, then sure. but i know right now, i can't continue that way.

so, here are my resolutions for monday onwards, when the new term begins. loud and clear for the whole world to see!

1. sleep early
2. rise early
3. create white spaces for quiet time
4. exercise
5. get involved in an activity in school

alright, this is just to start off. only if i do all this do i deserve to try all the good food around the new campus. ok i don't know what or where's the logic in that. hmmmmm.....

nevertheless, the holidays have been wonderful! i know i have been a silly, foolish girl at times. but regret evades me. all i feel is immense gratefulness and awe and all that has passed.

as i was telling a friend, who i suspect might be reading this soon, there are days when i am grumpy and quiet, days when i am stoned and spaced out, days when i am crazy happy....but all days, i am just so grateful and glad to be alive! to know that i'm a child of god! to know that no matter what kind of day it is, or what the weather is, or who did what to me, that will never change....i may slip and i may fall and i may take the wrong turns, but what keeps me going is my hope and faith in you. what keeps me going is LOVE....

ok, 4.17am is stretching it too far. sometimes, i just need to know when to stop. =P

thank yOU!

p.s. i hope this will do for now and that you are not reading this in your grave but rather, while listening to some aimee mann and munching on a cookie or something....