was eating a slice of hawaian stuffed crust pizza for dinner while watching ripley's believe it or not. totally ruined my appetite for the normally yummy cheesy stuffed crust. today's show featured this maggotty cheese which was banned in most places but still eaten as a delicacy in a certain village in italy. it's supposed to leave a pungent after-taste but people eat it because they believe in its powerful aphrodisiacal quality. but like, there i was eating cheese while watching people eating maggot-ridden cheese..fwjnefkfml..gross...

i hear thunder. hope it rains tonight so i can sleep really snugly. life's funny. here i am hoping it'll rain. but i'm sure there are people out there who pray every night that it doesn't because they have no roof over their heads or blankets to keep them warm. everyone wants different things. if god gave everyone what they wanted, my gosh...i say, god, just give us what you want...haha, who am i to tell god what to do?

a strange feeling has been coming over me these days. i can feel happy and sad and excited and scared all at once. change is inevitable and the inevitable is almost here if it is not here already. on friday, the realisation of the inevitable hit me like a brick and the fierce pounding of the dragon dance percussions only made my heart beat faster and more furiously. i was desparate to get out of there and run away forever but i didn't know where to go. people everywhere. and the thoughts just started swimming around in my mind like a whirlpool and emotions welled up within with no outlet except through my eyes. felt like a scene from a movie. a tiny little vessel of sadness lost and struggling to float amidst a sea of happy faces and noises of celebration. alas, i made my escape but only from school. there were still many more people to meet. but at least, i didn't have to keep looking at the inevitable in its face...

and the rest of the day, i felt sad everytime i thought about it. perhaps, a bit angry too. then i would forget about it and let it go and be totally at peace with it. and then something would trigger it off and i'd feel blue again. and then not so blue. and yet, somehow, through all this madness, the maddest part was, that i felt a constant excitement deep within. i was a torrential mess i tell you. but somehow, the excitement kept me sane. was it hope? i feel it was hope rooted in knowing through believing. and perhaps, it was also gratefulness and awe. i must sound mad. haha..

strange things have been happening within me. i won't say that it's good or bad. i'll just say that it's new and unlike anything i've been before...

"something tells me i'm into something good..."

(seems like i've started a habit of ending with lines from songs..)