you know, i've often been told that i have attained a certain sense of self-awareness, one i thought i could take pride in. but you know what? self-awareness does not equal maturity, especially in actions, and definitely in love. some people manage to skip all that psycho-analysing of self and graduate with first class honours in loving maturely, and some others are excellent at all that thinking stuff in between but still have a long way to go when in comes to the bigness of their hearts (i guess i'm in the latter group of "some people"). it's not even about IQ vs EQ anymore. it's about EQ vs "actually loving". and that's just what amazed me about you from the start, it still amazes me. if only...

i mean, i could probably write a thesis on what perfect love should be, how an ideal relationship should work and why people would feel the way they do and i'm sure i could possibly impress a few people. but, you know what? so what?

if i speak in human and angelic tongues,
but do not have love,
i am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal.

and if i have the gift of prophecy
and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge;
if I have all faith so as to move mountains
but do not have love,
i am nothing.

if i give away everything i own,
and if i hand my body over
so that i may boast
but do not have love,
i gain nothing.

but no, i'm not going to beat myself up over this. i'm aware (there i go again) that this is just who i am and how big my heart really is now, and i know it's gonna take some stretching, major upheavals and a hell lot of growth pains before i release my hurricane of love to the world the way i was meant to! (drama!)

i just wish i didn't have to...to...i can't even bring myself to say it. it really stings.