Today

These last few years, I've been growing more silent on the surface. The irony is that I actually have so much more to say, so many answers to my questions and wonderings, some of which I placed here, so many more questions that came as answers. 

These last few years, I dove deep into the waters of my heart. Well, sometimes life kind of held my head under these waters and I often felt I was going to drown inside of myself and never see the end. The deeper I dove, the more there was to be said, and at the same time, the less there was to be said. 

These last few years, there was so much to be said, there is so much to be said, more than ever. The stripping away of protective winter layers dangerously approaching the bare nakedness of my being. Silence, the curtain falls as the show begins to start, she feels the lights go out. In this darkness and solitude, there is terrible fear and loneliness. But she is not alone for kind eyes too roam the world, kind ears, kind hands, kind hearts. They hold her in their gaze when she can't bear to look. They hold her gaze. 

These few days, a certain kindness and light has entered her own eyes. Just the other day, she found her sniffles exploding into grief. "It's ok," she said. "You are sad," she said. "Cry."

These few days, she forgives herself more. Laughs with herself. Listens to herself. Converses with herself. She is surprised to find some of that unaffected youth return to her heart. She still often makes mistakes, people still get mad at her sometimes, but she knows she is not her mistakes. She knows she can do better. She knows she is strong, brave, kind. And she knows that she does not need others to believe this for it to be true. 

Today, she still wrestles with the voices of shame. The icy waters of sadness and loneliness. The hunger to be seen, seen and loved completely. Today, she knows that the presence of these familiar friends no longer means she has no other choice. Today, she does not choose them. She chooses to stay in the game because she deserves a chance and she is worthy of love, just like everyone else. She wants to love from a place of strength, not fear.

Today, and everyday, she will probably have to keep making this choice. I will have to keep making this choice. 

Today, this is what I chose to say.